Hi, Monique, just stopping by to let you know I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Plesae know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam,

It warmed my heart to get the notification that you had stopped by to check on me. I have been so incredibly sad and downtrodden about so many things coming at me at once and have had no energy to write. I will soon, as for me, I know the best is to discuss it.

Thank you so much for your continued love, understanding and support.

xo

Lynette,

Like you and many others here, I have lost many animal companions over the years (lizards, cats, bunnies, etc.), and I too have missed them all differently. My Boogie's passing last year, however, is the absolute worst nightmare I've ever endured. As you said, day-to-day life goes on, but the moment I think about the emptiness created by Boogie's absence, the grief returns just as painful and fresh as the night he died.
October 18th will be exactly one year since Boogie passed, and I dread each moment as that day approaches, so I have returned to this forum for...I don't know exactly...comfort...support. Your post, and many others, continues to remind me that everyone here is experiencing the terrible loss of our furbabies and that we share the same pain.

Pam

There are so many things I've wanted to write about and have been sucked into a vortex of viciously cycling guilt over the last part of the lives of many peeps,... Molly, MacKenzie, and others,... willing them to end differently, or rather... not at all.

Stuck In Guilt.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately, guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions we ALL experience during our grief adjustment journey, and it is one of the hardest to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of events as they happened and all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that haunt our heart and mind when we are so emotionally vulnerable. What we thought had been "resolved" in previous experiences can be "resurrected" with a new loss to adjust to, and this adds to the burden of our grief adjustment journey.

I do understand how you are feeling, Monique, and sadly, there is no easy way to "turn off" the emotions - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. For different reasons I know what it is like to want to turn back time to change events as they happened, and every day I am challenged with realizing that I do not possess this power. One of many things a wise professional counselor helped me to realize is that there is hope in living with the painful memories by focusing on the many treasured memories shared through the lifetime of the relationship. It's very hard when the final minutes, hours, days, weeks, months are ones of great turmoil with feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and uncertainty in knowing "what" to do - - the reality that we are not omnipotent beings but rather are mere mortals doing the best we can however inadequate it seems to us at the moment and later on.

I truly wish there were a way I could release this sorrow from your heart, Monique, but unfortunately I do not possess that power. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and attempts to comfort you as you travel your grief adjustment journey - - to try to help you to know you are not alone, and most importantly - - to try to reassure you that you ALWAYS did the very best for each of your beloved companions who are eternally blessed to have you for their Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Monique,

I saw this shortly after reading the story of your loss. I thought
of you and hope that this provides some comfort.

Smile through the Tears!

Thank you so much, moon_beam and Mike_J. This forum is like no other, including contact with real people (many of whom just don't want to hear it anymore and I don't persist), in the very real and comforting support offered.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, our society in general, and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not understand - - and some deliberately refuse to understand - - that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts with those who DO understand. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Monique - - there are no "time limits" here - - no "expiration dates".

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you so much for taking the time to visit and check in to see how i'm doing. i hope that, in giving so much support to others, that you are doing well.

lately i have been drowning in a kind of quick sand and want to write, as this also organizes my thoughts, and then i lose the drive or become distracted with other things, or am so overcome by fatigue that every step is a challenge. the first thing i saw today was a new entry about a dear cat killed by a dog... omg, i understand completely the entire trauma, as i have had this happen as well. this loss continues to haunt me and despite the many years since this happened, i have yet to fully face it. it is so very, very painful. again guilt rears its ugly head and i run and hide. with so many animals, the types of loss covers a very wide gamut. this past weekend, i lost on of my button quail hens, jessie. no signs of trauma or illness. she was about 18-19 months old, which is actually a full life for a hen laying eggs. she was finally growing back feathers on her back. i used to have her with three others and the only way i could resolve territoriality issues was to separate her with the little one she came with, and peace returned to the quails. she was my favorite. her little companion, jaden, now sits alone. i'm working to get additional quail, hopefully this weekend. in as much as i need for my animal population to go down in numbers, i cannot let a bird sit by himself. that is so desperately sad and not good for the emotional health of the bird. (as a matter of fact, there are few animals that fare well without their own kind around for comfort, interaction, and social order...)

in this same habitat, i have diamond doves, and lost two females over the last few months. these appeared to be premature deaths. that left two, also females. as i adopted them all when they were very young, there was no way to definitively sex them, and so i discovered that they were laying egg after egg, and spent way too much time in the nest. despite removing the eggs, they continued to lay eggs, crowding into the nest. i kept thinking they knew what they were doing... this egg laying and crowding in the nest may have done these two in. no signs of trauma or illness or dehydration or starvation. i adopted two more and one is a male. i also changed out the nest so they have more room, and all appears to be going well for the moment. i mourn for these young lives.

i used to keep parakeets with the doves, and all went well for over a year, and then i lost several diamond doves that appeared to have been attacked by the parakeets. i learned too late, that their injuries were not from mating or territoriality issues among the diamond doves. i still feel much guilt for these losses. two had injuries, and two additional ones passed due to the sheer trauma of losing their companions. these losses are not by far as difficult as losing, say, mackenzie. but, my heart hurts for these little lives. the bird world is a very difficult one, and life is very fragile. diamond doves and button quail are such sweet, peace loving animals and i feel i failed them.

i designed and had built huge aviaries, the one where the button quail, diamond doves, and finches live, is a walk-in, about 8' high. aside from the fact that my financial outlay was great, i wanted to improve the lives of my birds and facilitate care and cleaning, while also ensuring my birds are safe from my cats. despite my efforts, my birds suffered.

so, my losses continue, 14 so far this year. the number is staggering and surreal somehow. i go on. more need me. this in the midst of huge issues worldwide (ebola, national issues, the plight of animals,...). losses across the board are highlighting and bringing my own mortality to my attention.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and all the precious creatures great and small who are entrusted to your loving, dedicated care. We humans are a species who learn by doing most of the time through much discovery of what works and what doesn't. What worked before may not work for every precious creature - - so we "invent a better mouse trap" in our efforts to improve the care of our precious charges. There is no doubt you have ALWAYS done the best you can for every precious life you have embraced into your heart and home, and there is no doubt in my mind that each beloved being will be waiting for you in heaven's perfect garden when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. At this glorious reunion they will escort you through the garden introducing you to everyone there.

Indeed, there are many horrifying events that occur in our personal lives as well as in our global world, and I join you in my thoughts and prayers for those of every life form who are so adversely affected that they will know and feel comfort, support, encouragement, and hope at all times in all circumstances.

I hope today is treating you and each of your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

my 18-yr old cat, jasper, went to heaven late this afternoon...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with another loss Monique.

Hi, Monique, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jasper. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience of loss or our thousandth - - each loss is uniquely painful because each relationship we have with each of our companions is uniquely special. Although your beloved Jasper is no longer physically with you, I hope you will find comfort in knowing his sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Jasper with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thanks to both of you for joining me during this time of profound loss. i lost many last year and stopped writing. i lost dear fur and feathered peeps, and witnessed so much loss of humanity across the world. i could barely breathe.

i felt compelled to write in honor of jasper. his story is one of extreme trauma before our paths crossed when he was a tiny kitten and the last 18 years, jasper filled my heart and my home with untold riches of love and kindness. i hope to write his story...

I look forward to reading Jasper's story when you're ready to tell it. My Ed went through goodness-knows-what before finding himself in my garden at around four weeks old. He's very well cared for now, and doesn't he know it!

i come here so seldom, i have to a password reset... albeit this site is never far from thoughts. i empathically absorb the pain of everyone here, and it sent me to my foxhole to heal. from my losses and everyone's. i spread the word of its existence when i feel someone needs help with the passing of a beloved pet, while i sparingly visit.

i cannot seem to get to writing the stories that cycle through my head. about jasper, about all of them, about the 16 i lost last year. some are mentioned here.

about my sweet, spunky jamy, my 10-yr old senior bun-bun, who graciously went to heaven 20 may.

about my wise, reserved sammy jo, my 14+ yr old dachshund, who i helped to heaven this morning, to end all that ailed her. she is free. i am in shackles.

i pull out the blog from christine kane, http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...h.gfCbPipp.dpbs, that i always have near, and cannot yet read it.

i need to. i'm overcome with grief and guilt and blame and.... gut-wrenching sadness. i did not feel any of these things when jasper passed. he left this world with grace and peace and kindness. so humble and sweet always, in life and in death. we both knew. we understood. we accepted. and we live with the memories and the knowledge that we will see each other again.

the rest of my peeps: emotional trauma. always feelings of failure, or not having done enough, feelings of guilt for feeling impatience, frustration, helplessness. about knowing too late what the best course of action would have been. like using manuka honey with sammy jo instead of surgery... knowledge that is too late.

and gut-wrenching sadness. i live in a state of seemingly endless anticipatory grief. then actual loss hits and my heart and soul lose another sliver.

silent screams.

Hi, Monique, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in your grief for the physical losses of your beloved Jasper, Jamy, Sammy Jo, and each of your beloved companions. When we have multiple companions we can find ourselves in an endless cycle of great joy and heartbreaking sorrow - - knowing that we must forge forward through the pain of grief to continue taking care of those precious souls who are dependent upon us. We do the best we can with the information and resources we have at all times and in all circumstances. We are not omnipotent - - we do not possess the ability to "know" what is happening inside our precious companions' physical bodies - - unlike Superman we do not have "x-ray" vision. And our precious companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling until the effects of an illness / injury are obvious which by this time have begun to take their toll. Sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and restore our companion to a stable quality of health, and sometimes the only thing we can do is ease their transition journey home to the angels - - as we struggle to reconcile the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds.

There is no doubt you do everything in your human and humane power to give your companions a happy healthy earthly journey, Monique. Each and every precious soul under your care is blessed to have your enduring and eternal love - - and you in turn are blessed with the privilege of being their sole, and soul, heir to theirs.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

i thought 50 million times about writing jasper's story. i love him with all my heart; miss him just as much. if we have to endure passings, i wish they could all be like jasper. my little man, my little prince, who came to me via a co-worker, so starved and transparent, i could count every bone in his body. he weighed nothing, literally. the scale at the vet's office registered nothing! is such a thing possible. a puff of air. he was in the process of losing one of his eyes. a major milestone was his eye removal a week later at all of .75 pounds. biopsy results: suggestive of a blow to the head. he growled at men and the door bell for many years, only to champion and love everyone! the rest was 18 glorious years with the most loving, kind and humble little peep. he was diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease when he was about 4. the biopsy results were suggestive of FIP. after much ado, i figured out adding fiber to his diet and this put his IBD in remission. he needed additional enucleation surgeries to remove dead tissue causing weeping in the back of his eye socket. other than that, he was a happy, healthy little peep. i knew when he would lose an ounce, and i'd give him a little prednisone. he was my tried and true. at the end, we both knew. in an all worldly kind of wisdom, we accepted this. i kept him comfortable, syringe feeding, fluids. the day he passed i laid next to him in front of the little bed he had made his home, and held his little feet in my hands. they were so cold. we laid that way for what seemed an eternity. i think we both dozed off. i felt him squeeze twice my hands twice with his little paws. i went downstairs to take care of my dogs and when i went back upstairs, he was gone. he slipped away as gracefully and peacefully as he could. no trauma. just went to a different place. i have never felt the gut-wrenching pain i have for others. every time a negative thought would even try to filter in, it was squashed. jasper does not want that for me. love me in the after life, i am with you, has been the prevailing message. i love my little prince for his kindness in his passing and after. he has taught me so much about life and death. we start dying when we are born. we have to leave this dimension as some point. the challenge is how. so many i have lost have been due to extremely traumatic and emotionally violent episodes. jasper left in the kindness he bestowed on me his entire life. love you, sweet boy! he is with me now...

at the totally opposite end of the spectrum, and a story i cannot combine with jasper's, is my loss of madelynne. i lost my sweet jamy, a senior bun-bun, and sammy jo, a senior doxie, between jasper and madelynne.

madelynne is by far the most cursingly traumatic loss. pittie-mix. rescued in 2007, living in 26 degree weather outside, at under 20 pounds. her normal weight, in the mid-50s. everyone was focused on the rescue of mom and pups, also outside, on the same property. no one gave madelynne a second thought. well, except me. the shelter manager said she had pitbull in her, and as such only the owner was allowed to get her out. strict policy regarding letting pitties out the door to strangers. i understood. the shelter manager called me about a week later to tell me she had changed her to a bulldog mix and to come on a weekend and she would let her go out the back door. from there she went into quarantine at my vet's office. i met her for the first time when she was already well into her quarantine period. the first time i saw her, i remarked how much pittie she had in her (definitely a mix) and how focused she was on the vet tech who cared for her. this continued throughout our 8-yr relationship. she respected, and didn't like, the fact that she could not live in my lap. visitors received all of her attention and then some. i no longer existed and this persisted until her last breath, as she endeared the clinic staff and ignored me...

madelynne had no place to go. i brought her home and tried my very best to protect her from the sick, man-created part of her mind and the rest of my animals. her attack history started with my ex and his dogs by killing one of his dogs after several scraps with mine and his. i attributed this to pack mentality and that my ex had no business taking care of the dogs. we divorced. i have been over this in my mind. 7 serious attacks on my other dogs, of which tess last week was the last straw. several scuffles inbetween that resulted in no injuries. a "fort knox" regiment was in place that in retrospect was not enough. in truth, my gut always nagged at me- all the what if's, had i covered all the bases... i had several appointments over the years to put her down only to cancel- how could i put to death an innocent? i tried in vain for many years to rehome her using pittie savvy rescues. all i ever got back from them was, You need to get educated on the breed. the one place that offered help, Last Chance Rescue, spelled doom. i would have to buy a space for madelynne and she would live in that space until the end of her days or until they decided she was safe enough to have a companion or be adopted out. that was a death sentence to me. this extremely well behaved dog would sit like a statue 24-7 waiting for a pet. staff was marginal. there were 400+ dogs already! so, i instituted a ft. knox at home. i was determined to correct where man had placed this loyal spirit in harms way by design. she basically entered my witness protection program. yet the attacks continued. little, tiny windows of opportunity. tensions between the dogs or coming from me.

it was NOT ok for me to be a flawed human. i had to maintain super human vigilence and strength 24-7.

it was not enough.

madelynne found little tiny crevices and cracks in my regiment. in the end it was clear this was her 24-7 preoccupation. no amount of knowledge, research, protective measures would EVER stop that sick strip in her mind that was programmed to kill.

last week, right behind me, while i was disciplining another dog, madelynne had slipped out of the house behind me into the sunroom where most of the dogs hang out. in one little tiny sliver of a nanosecond, she had my tess in her jaws. her chest. i immediately reached in, got a hold of her collar and put her in a choke hold. she would not let go. in the meantime the other dogs were very tense. one tried to help tess, and at this point madelynne let go and attacked hope. she was weakening, let go of hope's ear and i got her in her crate, locking the door.

tess, my tess. her chest laid open. it was horrible. the pain, the agony. i could not take her to the emergency room, as this would have put madelynne in front of the legal firing squad. i stabilized tess- no deep wounds- surgery first thing the next morning. she was very lucky. we were all very lucky. everyone was still alive.

except madelynne.

i made the agonizing decision to let her go last night. my environment has been warning me for years. it spelled there would be a next time, and another, and another.

i tried with all my might, resources, and good intentions to keep madelynne safe. to love her. to not let yet another pittie become a victim thanks to man's creation of the ultimate killing machine. i kept her safe and loved for 8 years. seeing tess' chest laid open, my sweet tess. all the other attacks came barreling back. the carnage, the damage.... how did we all manage for so long??? why did i allow this all to go on for so, so long? i did not and could not give up on this desperately misunderstood breed. madelynne came from such dire beginnings. i was going to be her saving and guardian angel.

i resent having to "play God" and determine life and death. my human capacity for such things is extremely limited, and in fact, i'm Not qualified!

there is a calm that has settled over my household, esp. the dogs. at first, confusion, shock. where is she? how heart-wrenching is that?! for the first time in my life i felt the purest and deepest form of fear for all my animals, .... and myself! would she turn on me at some point?

It.Had.To.Stop.

i'm sorry, madelynne. i'm so, so sorry.

Hi, Monique, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us the loving tribute to your beloved Jasper. My heart soars with the love you and your beloved Jasper share. You are so blessed to be his Forever Mom.

Also, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Madelynne. You did the very best you could for this soul who literally had no control over the damaged part of her brain which made her an uncontrollable "killer." You truly did the right thing to release her from this cruelty - - for she was as tortured by the uncontrollable aggression as you were in seeing it erupt. This is no fault of her own - - nor yours. For 8 years she knew the love of a human heart. You did not make this decision in anger - - but as a necessity for the health and survival of your precious companions - - and yours - - for indeed Madelynne could very well at some point in time unexpectedly and unprovoked attacked you leaving you with serious - - if not life threatening - - injuries. Your beloved Madelynne is now free from this uncontrollable aggression and is so very thankful for all the love and mercy you gave to her during her earthly journey. No one else was willing to do this for her - - you DID save her from a life of loneliness and lovelessness, and were indeed her guardian angel.

Having to make "the decision" of life or death for a loved one - - whoever the life form - - is never easy. It isn't meant to be. As caregivers of our companions we accept this as part of our responsibility. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you did everything that is human and humanely possible for your beloved Madelynne, and that she is forever thankful to have you for her Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique, and I hope your precious Tess is continuing to heal from her injuries - - both physically and emotionally. Please know you and all of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you, moon beam, so very much for your graciousness, kindness, wisdom and insight.

i do see the release of torment, fear, anxiety and stress for so many, beginning with madelynne herself, and this was a most on point observation on your part.

i hope she is at peace in whatever dimension she finds herself, bathed in the love and care of an eternal hand that will not let her suffer ever again.

btw, i just noticed you are from virginia. where, if i may ask? i basically grew up in the newport news/williamsburg area, after my father took a job in williamsburg. we moved from the netherlands. gosh, that was such a long time ago. 1969... i ended up going to william and mary college...

... it is also worthy of note that tess continues to heal very well. i even see fur already starting to grow back. wow, how is this possible so fast?

she came from very humble beginnings. turned into a kill shelter several states away that tries very hard to place animals despite grave odds against them. lack of resources, space, funding. yet they persevere. many lose their lives. a desperately sad situation. typical of what is happening across the country.

and then there was tess. turned in as a stray, very pregnant. terrified. she had tags and they contacted the owner who no longer wanted her. high heartworm positive. i have a huge soft spot for pregnant animals. this started with rosie a little pregnant dog i desperately tried to save. when i called the shelter she was already gone. killed, and all her unborn babies. she was due any day... her shelter picture, the saddest little face, yet her tail still wagged. a desperate haunting. i wrote her story and posted it far and wide. it spread through facebook like a wildfire. i whispered to her, your name is rosie. you will not go forth without a name... ah, my heart hurts for this little mom to be...

and so there was tess, heavily pregnant, no place to go. i networked across the country. nothing. in the meantime she had 11 pups. they all died within 10 days of birth. that left a broken hearted mom, ill from heartworms, and a body with a severely poor score due to her recent birthing and years of neglect. her time was up.

i immediately pulled out all the stops and organized a rescue transport to my vet's office where i met her for the first time. my brown shelter dog, i still affectionately call her. i had her put in quarantine and networked to 100s and 100s of folks, rescues,... i received a few donations. no offer for a home or foster. nothing.

i brought her home. another dog. *sigh*

and what a treasure! she fit right in and has been my sweet love ever since. i put her through the slow kill method for her heartworms and she recovered beautifully. her tummy tucked back up and her coat turned into a beautiful rust, auburn color. most importantly, her spirit and soul recovered and have thrived! she grins from ear to ear when she sees me and tap dances with her front feet. her favorite thing is to sit next to me like a human, with her back feet in a pseudo-lotus position and rests her head on my shoulder.

55 pounds of pure, sweet, brown shelter dog-ness.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Tess are doing. I am sooo happy to share your news that she is healing so well from her injuries. She is sooo blessed to have you for her Forever Mom. And please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Madelynne is now whole and healed from all infirmities in the company of the angels and all the other residents in heaven's perfect garden. Rest assured she is waiting for you in the company of all the other sweet souls you have cared for when it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy.

I live in the south central part of Virginia nestled between the Blue Ridge and Piedmont Mountains. I grew up in the suburbs of Washington, DC, lived about 10 years in the Atlantic City, NJ, area when my job moved there, and in 1989 moved back to VA. Did not want to re-settle in the DC area. Visited southwestern VA and knew that it was the place for me - - an easier slower paced area.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon beam,

i sought out your most recent words again, esp. the part about madelynne being whole again and healed from all that ailed her mind here on earth. i received her ashes this morning. surreal and maddeningly sad, to hold her ashes, where this past monday she was still alive for the better part of the day. i feel so, so much anxiety and regret for so many things related to her and on so many levels. having a really hard time focusing.

i made a grievous error this past monday morning, the day of madelynne's passing, and that was to contact a person who i used to consider a friend, or tried to consider as a friend, to ask for help on another dog who had come from her rescue. it has been agony since as i realized this was about madelynne and that things would ease (as they have) with other dog tensions in my household. i had taken this dog in as an adoption a year ago, and she agreed to process the adoption papers as well as pay her adoption fee. nothing was ever finalized, apparently. so now she is insisting on getting this dog to go to a home she has picked out. it is excruciating, this toxic person and her manners, inc. zero respect for my loss. a bull dozer. what was i thinking! it has added to my anxiety and panic over the loss of madelynne and i'm struggling to even write coherently about it. other very unsettling events had come together over the last 3 weeks or so that created the perfect storm, that led to exploding tensions, that led to the attack, etc. a domino effect of one disaster after another. and now such deep, deep regret of my error in judgment to contact this person rather than focus on the one urgent matter at hand, and that was to end the madelynne chapter. i think back... if the perfect storm hadn't happened, the attack would not have happened, madelynne would still be alive and i would be faced with ending the madelynne chapter at some point in the future. just not now.

and now, not only am in deep pain and anguish from losing madelynne, but also from the error in judgment in contacting this person and all its aftermath.

and this weekend, one of many firsts after losing madelynne... my vigilence over her peaked tremendously every weekend, and last weekend was at an all-time high in the wake of her most recent attack.

i'm a wreck.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooooo relate to the "perfect storm" of events happening at the same time each requiring diligent attention only to have things explode like one of those tension "snakes" that flies out of the can when the can is opened leaving us to feel like a total failure.

Receiving your beloved Madelynn's ashes is a two sided coin - - the one side can be comforting having her back home with you where she was loved, while the other side of the coin is yet another "reality check" of the circumstances that led to her need to be released from her physical body and tortured mind, and the sadness in your heart that you needed to make the decision rises to new levels once more. None of us is blessed with the privilege of foreknowledge. We can only make decisions at any given time with the information and circumstances of the moment and the "wisdom" of prior experience to guide us. As we review the events that lead us to make the decision, we can be haunted by the whys, what ifs and if onlys - - particularly when we are feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps your beloved Madelynn would still be alive today "if only" other circumstances had not happened - - but then she would still be tortured by the uncontrollable aggression that surged in her brain which would eventually lead to what happened with Tess - - or one of your other precious companions - - or you. There is no "good time" to have to come to terms with a precious soul's uncontrollable aggression. You did what you needed to do at the time you needed to do it for Madelynn, Tess, your other precious companions, and you. It was decision based on love for your beloved Madelynn - - no one else on this earth would have tried so hard for 8 years to give her a happy and healthy earthly journey with her uncontrollable aggressive behavior. I hope in time you will find a peace in your heart that your beloved Madelynn is eternally grateful for everything you did for her - - including giving her a peace from her tortured brain that she would never have known in this earthly journey.

I'm so sorry your contact with the shelter rep did not go well. I hope you will be able to sort things out so that your companion can continue to be in your care. Is this shelter rep the only person you can work with to keep custody? Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you for your quick and kind response, moon beam. i will re-read your words many times, esp. over the course of the next days. i went over each incident, to include those where there were minor to no injuries. for ex., cale (ka-lee) was at the fence gate with several dogs. we were all enjoying being out. cale started alert barking- someone was probably walking by. madelynne immediately started towards her. i have a sharp warning and madelynne retreated. she got to cale two more times with no physical damage, until last year. cale went outside towards where one of my little ones was barking hysterically at the neighbor's dogs through the fence. madelynne took that as cale on her way to discipline the little one. that was not in cale's nature at all- i have never seen her go after another dog, only warning nip/bark at little ones bouncing too closely to her. i firmly believe she was just going outside to relieve herself. i had to pry madelynne off her. she needed major surgery to repair the damage.

and the list went on and on. all the very serious attacks, inc. the loss of one life, one nearly lost her life, and the others who ended up in surgery... it was too much to recount, the visuals barreling back to me. how many more times? i was initially in denial. after all, i was tense and impatient due to my own issues the last few weeks. that perfect storm stuff. this was not madelynne's fault. and so i argued with myself. i apologized to madelynne, gave her additional attention, kept her closer and under greater watch, prevented all contact with the other dogs, esp. when we were all out relaxing in the evenings as we always did. madelynne was in her crate. to compensate, i let her sleep with me, something i usually did in the winter months. then, the fears started flooding in. what if she turned on one of my cats at night while on the bed, or one of the little dogs always in the house with me. when would she turn on me? i had no indication whatsoever that she would ever turn on me. i established myself as her boss many years ago, and she was always submissive. however, what is she didn't mean to bite me, but my arm got in the way while trying to break up a fight, and it was her mouth that latched on to me...? these mental exercises were extremely sobering. there was no way to keep her seperated from everyone all the time unless i crated her all the time, or trained her to wear a muzzle. would that be fair to her, to have to wear a muzzle unless she was crated? i shuddered at the idea. singling her out even more... i read that this can increase aggression, both the muzzling and singling out! regardless of the recent circumstances for which i blamed myself, i could not let another incident happen. i friend of mine said, the environment has told you the same thing over and over again. it's up to me to heed the warnings.

i know it was the right decision; my vet agreed. she plainly said she would not tolerate that behavior in her household. she relayed incidents at her clinic of pitties lunging and attacking dogs in other kennels. she said handling them with many other dogs around, even kenneled, is a tremendous challenge. she said even the most docile that come in are not fully predictable.

the process to get to a better state of mind for me will take time. the same steps with different flavors due to the circumstances and the animals involved. not just madelynne. all the innocents she hurt over the years. my moral responsibility in it all to protect the innocent. they were all innocent, including madelynne.

as i mentioned, over the years, i tried to rehome her through pittie savvy rescues. full disclosure. single animal household with a pittie savvy owner. strict guidelines for keeping madelynne and everyone else safe. i knew in my gut that this was not realistic, either. i never received an offer for rehoming. i felt relief about this to a large degree. if she fell into the wrong hands, what would have happened to her? abuse, horrific treatment, inhumane death? and the liability potential was staggering.

the sacrifices were great.

*sigh*

the shelter rep is actually the president of a local dachshund rescue group. she runs the rescue and has a board of 3 members, including herself. she has the ultimate say and the board was formed to comply with the legaleze of forming a nonprofit organization. we worked together on many rescue cases and i was always there to help her with difficult cases. i took in 5 over the course of the years, all of whom had extreme issues, both mentally and physically. rehab was intense, to include huge financial outlays. two have since gone to heaven due to health issues. the one i called about, cocoa, was displaced from her foster, after rescue from an abusive situation, and as usual, karen had no place for her. i told her i would take her in only as an adoption. no more fostering. it turned out her issues were much more severe than what i was told and karen never believed me, only responded with comments such as that she had received adoption applications for her. it fell on mute ears that her online profile was wrong and most importantly, did not provide full disclosure of cocoa's deep-seated emotional issues stemming from abuse. her profile has long since been removed from the rescue's website and countless mentions on her part to fill in the paperwork and pay for the adoption. always the "i'm so busy and money is tight" excuses. most difficult is hysterical screaming and running around when she feels somehow challenged or confronted. when i called her this week, i was literally gasping for help, still reeling from the weekend during which i felt the most intense doom and fear regarding madelynne. i knew it was over, that i could not chance another aggressive episode regardless of perfect storms or triggers. her attack history never offered a pattern. in her brain, another dog needed policing and she was going to take care of it. i told karen this past fateful monday morning, that i needed to put madelynne down. at that time, there was a tiny sliver of hope inside me, thinking if i removed certain dogs, it would lessen the chances of future episodes. then, in virtually the next breath, i realized that there was no such sliver. with madelynne gone, i would not have to fear for cocoa and her irratic behavior for madelynne's sake, but it would ease burdens for me.

after madelynne was gone, the dogs started to visibly relax, esp. the large ones who had been in the greatest proximity with madelynne. i decided to see how things would go with cocoa and several other little ones, rather than make decisions while under extreme emotional duress. i told karen that i would not rehome cocoa. i had made a commitment to her and felt encouraged by the new and positive landscape that is unfolding.

i don't know what all can be done legally. we basically have an oral contract of adoption. not sure if i have any emails left that discuss this adoption or not. i know karen has these records.

regardless, i have to stop futzing with this. i cannot control this harsh and aggressive woman. i need to focus on repairing me and ensuring the mental health of my remaining dogs, not to mention tess is still healing physically.

Dear Monique.

So very sorry to hear about Madelynne. You must have been under tremendous stress during the years that you tried so hard to give this poor little angel some peace from her abusive past. Some animals, o how they must suffer! It breaks my heart that these innocent little creatures have to go through so much. I cried reading your posts about Madelynne. I'm sure she is at peace now. As hard as you tried I guess, unfortunately, it wasn't to be. That makes me cry to say those words. I wish we could save them all.

I'm so sorry.

Lynette.

lynette,

thank you so much for your note. it was tremendously stressful, the full impact of which i'm starting to realize in madelynne's absence. despite my advanced knowledge of mental and physical rehabilitation of animals, it was not enough to keep everyone safe...

work was torment yesterday. i barely made it in and could not focus. could not keep food down. finally fell asleep and woke up in a full state of panic and anxiety this morning. debilitating. finally i able to get up and get moving, no matter how difficult. nights are the worst.

i searched online for stories of people who had or are in the process of experiencing similarly. it offered some solace. i know i'm not alone. this doesn't fill the huge void i feel for all of madelynne's beautiful attributes.

major issues to work out across the board. being a list person, i had made a "list" of incidents after the last one. the visuals all came flooding back. there was no set pattern or trigger. madelynne policed per her own rule book. there is posturing between my other dogs at times. never violent, just that sibling rivalry "your in my space, i want that toy" kind of stuff. madelynne stepped in the middle of many of these; some ended up in harm, others not. it begs the question why i didn't take action after she killed baby love. i run this through my mind even more now. i had an appointment. i can only say looking back, that had i put her down then, i would have felt even more reprehension, the haunting that i had not done enough and not taken full responsibility for being the human who had taken her in. she also stepped into the middle of every incident where another dog was getting individualized attention. visits from friends were the same. her singular focus was to get 100% of the attention. these were peaceful "interventions" - i always felt a pang of impeding danger. it was nerve wrecking. i have never seen this extreme kind of focus from any other dog. the pittie in her was her driver her entire life.

this "right" decision has come with an extremely, extremely high cost.

Good morning Monique.

I'm sorry I couldn't write more yesterday. It kinda brought up some old memories of my own I guess. I found it really hard to read your posts. I can only imagine the pain , the torment and the hurt you must be going through and what you've been through. The tremendous stress of trying to save Madelynne and keep everyone safe and happy.

I have sort of a similar situation not quite as dangerous perhaps. Years ago, I had two gorgeous lab x huskies Bud and Lady. Unfortunately, I believe the husky in them never kept them home. They would always be taking off into the bush. And sometimes, I'd have to leave them because I'd have to leave for work. They started chasing my dad's goats. Then one day he accused them of killing one. I know Lady had a "wild" streak. I know she would've defended us to the death, but she was so loving towards us. And Bud - he was just a big softy. He'd lick you to death and he would've gone for a ride with anyone. So, it's hard to believe he would've done such a thing. But we put a fence to keep them in. Lady resented me for that - I could see it in her eyes. But they kept getting out because there was so much snow we couldn't keep up with it. Then one morning we got a call - Lady was caught in the goat pen, had killed a goat and was chewing on it. And that she was now dead. My dad had killed her! And we had to do the same to Bud or he was gonna do it. So that day we lost these two beautiful angels. I will never forgive my dad for this. I know what they did was wrong and that we would never be able to cure them of this, but it still hurts to this day. This is the first time since it happened that I've really even talked about it. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. The worst part is I know Lady will never forgive me. When we meet again (and I sure hope we do), I will have some tremendous bridges to repair. I remember the look in her eyes. This was 14 years ago now. And I still remember her eyes. She hated me for fencing her in. But what else could I do, I didn't want to lose her or Bud. But I understand the stress of knowing what is going on and trying so hard to change them. And knowing in your heart that it's not working.

And then there was George. Such a gentle boy. So loving. He was abandoned in the town where I work. I brought him home with every intention of finding his owners or new ones. We already had three dogs and we'd just lost Hunny. Anyway, he stayed with us He was a beautiful border collie, a working dog. That's what the problem was I think. He needed a job and we didn't have one for him, so he ran after cars. I know it's not the same as your Madelynne, but we couldn't break him of this bad habit and one day he was gone. He'd been hit by a truck. I blame myself for his death. I'd cut his nails the night before and it was icy, I think he slipped on the ice. I tried to get him to go in the house that morning, but he wouldn't go. But, I knew one day this would happen. I would dread coming home every single day for fear that he'd been killed and he was. At least now he's in a safe place and hopefully, chasing and herding goats to his heart's content. I miss him so very much. But as much as it hurts not to be able to hold him and kiss him, that stress is gone. That constant fear is gone. Although, truth be told, I have fears of losing the three I have. But I think that's just because of all the awful stuff that we've had to deal with (these two stories and the loss of Lily and Hunny).

Anyway, I guess I'm probably rambling. I know it's hard to see, but you really didn't have any choice with Madelynne. I'm sure she was living in some kind of constant personal turmoil. As much as she loved you and you her, she just couldn't get past what had happened to her. She is now at peace I'm sure. I can't imagine, living with such demons in my mind. Poor thing, she must've battled these her whole life. You were the best thing she ever had. And for that she'll be forever grateful and your's forever more. And when the time is right, we'll be together again and all will be well.

Well, take care. I hope today brings you a little more peace.

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief -- both physically and emotionally. You have been under a tremendous amount of stress for 8 years trying to keep your Madelynn safe - - and your other precious companions safe from her. So it is not surprising to share your news that your body is now releasing the effects of this stress through the various symptoms you are experiencing.

Sometimes it helps to put events in writing to help us find a peace with decisions that have had to be made. Your beloved Madelynn did not make these attacks of her own volition - - but was driven to doing them because of the torment in her brain that would not let her live peacefully. Sadly there is very ilttle we can do to change uncontrollable aggressive behaviors, and the only thing we can do is to give these precious souls a comforting, peaceful release from their torment.

The good news is that your beloved Madelynn's sweet Living Spirit is now free from all the torment she experienced in her physical body, and she is forever grateful to you for your enduring love.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

hi lynette,

thank you so much for your outpouring of kindness and telling me your stories, which i know were hard for you. i hope that this catharsis relieved some burdens in your heart and soul. i read your stories this morning and they cycled through my head all day. i did the basic animal care and tried to rest the rest of the day. usually saturdays are very busy with major bird, bunny and guinea pig habitat cleanings and mountains of wash,... and madelynne nearby. i'm so sorry for your losses of bud and lady. sounds like bud was truly a victim of very unfortunate circumstances, and lady was truly following a normal animal instinct. we are the only species that lives with other species. this is really against all laws of nature. it's very difficult to balance the different rule books and have everyone live in complete harmony. i understand about that "look" of betrayal. i do believe that when you see lady again, you will have nothing to repair. she understands what happened and does not hold it against you. she is loving you from her eternal post until you join her. i wouldn't be surprised if she follows you everywhere now, and runs freely through the goat enclosure. i have no doubt bud is with you as well.

and george. you lived in anticipatory grief the entire time you had him. i'm so very sorry.

madelynne was mostly pit, a creation by man for his malicious pleasures. she was truly a victim of a very sick part of her brain. weekends madelynne and i spent a great deal of time together. as i cleaned, she was near me sleeping. always perfectly behaved and patient. she was so loving and gentle towards me, and loved having little dogs and cats nearby. my dolly, aka l'il peep, a 6.5 pound doxie-chihuahua mix, would sit on her back and clean her ears. she also told madelynne what to do and madelynne was fine with all of it. madelynne was right next to me as i provided individualized care for bunnies, cats and guinea pigs. never an issue. all these memories caused me great pain and anguish today. i doubted my decision to put her down over and over again today.

in the absence of the dangerous threats she presented, it all seems so surreal and her death so unnecessary. and then i see the stitches across tess' chest, from shoulder to shoulder, a mass of scar tissue in the middle where there was the most tissue damage. dr. jolley had to remove wide band of tissue to reach healthy and vascular tissue. it was all the loose skin under her chin that saved her life. you know that extra skin older dogs get around their necks... seeing that is very sobering and hurts tremendously. the last vicious attack was against my cale, last feb. since taking her in in 2007, the attacks have been a regular occurrence.

had the perfect storm not happened, yes, madelynne would still be alive today. for how long, though, until the next incident...

her loss is so very complex, as it involved so many other dogs and trials and emotions. i miss her sweetness and her companionship. that will be the hardest to reconcile, to have put to sleep a dog with so much goodness in her to silence the sick part of her brain.

thank you, moon beam, for taking the time to visit. you are right, writing about it helps, esp. on a forum such as this one. all my losses are different. some i don't write about at all. this one is an excruciating torment.

there is a huge wave of anticipatory grief happening concurrently. the day after madelynne's passing, i had to take tess in to have her drain ports removed. i was in the same room where i had just been with madelynne not even 12 hours prior. i cannot even begin to describe my emotions. i brought along my cat, meaghan, who is about 14. she has been drinking and urinating a lot more this year and i wanted it checked out. her test results showed chronic renal failure (CRF). meaghan is one of 13 cats "doing the same thing," if you will. they are all aging together, as they are all nearly the same age. over the last few years, i have seen some weight loss, less eating, and more sleeping. all very normal for cats who are in their 80s per human years. when i became active in rescue in 2002, i took in a slew of kittens and these adults are "left over" when no one wanted a teenager or adult cat. they had been with me too long and i was too attached. in 2009 i left active rescue. i still help the ones who find me and for the rest, they live in a sanctuary with me. i'm in a sort of denial upon hearing CRF uttered. it simply added to the intense trauma i am was already enduring from losing madelynne. i keep telling myself it simply confirmed what i already knew, and that was that most of my cats are aging and CRF is really a normal part of aging. coupled with losing madelynne, hearing my vet say CRF was as if she just pronounced all of my aging cats dead on the spot. terrible. i'm breathing a little easier, although still have to tell myself to take a full breath when my mind wanders to that CRF announcement day.

what to do: i'm going to keep them all going as they have been. no extraordinary measures. i learned that from mackenzie, for whom i started this blog last year. cats do not do well with invasive procedures and most don't want to be medicated at all. i learned through my friend and reiki healer, kristine, that the best you can do is just keep them as comfortable as possible. if they resist medications and such, then let them be. this is what my gut tells me as well. they are doing what they need to in winding down this earthly existence. what i have done is added softened kibble with diluted canned for additional moisture to all the feeding stations. meaghan is getting a probiotic, which so far she has taken without protest. she is due for more subq fluids and i dread it as the first time she was very upset.

the bottom line is that this is a huge anticipatory grief situation. add that to losing madelynne and there is a different kind of perfect storm in progress... :'(

there are other extreme situations in my household, like my andy and fallon, two cats who are extreme manx. both came to me from difficult circumstances, very tiny, very sick, and completely unable to use the bathroom for #1 and #2. andy has been with me since 2010 and fallon since 2013. both are very healthy and happy, wear diapers and i help them "go" twice a day. each is handled slightly differently. for ex., andy rarely produces any stool on his own, so i have to massage his intestines to help move things along and out. fallon still manages a little on her own and really because it kind of falls out. regardless, these are God's very special little peeps. most don't live past a few years. andy is already 5, which is nearly unheard of. i am very aware of their mortality based on research and i push these thoughts away, as i do with the others.

still, when there is such a huge loss as madelynne's is, all of this is open and raw.

thank you, moon beam and lynette, for your love and support during this very difficult trial.

another day with great sadness. expecting madelynne everywhere. she slept with me a lot on the bed at night. i would reach for her in the night. always tried and true. so well behaved in the day to day routine. the good about her is so intensely painful, as this is all gone now. i was often overwhelmed emotionally and physically from the management of it all. where is madelynne, i often asked in a near panic? she was so in tune she followed me wordlessly. it was extraordinary, the intelligence.

my mind has gone on this seemingly pointless exercise of trying to figure out how i could have adjusted things once again to protect everyone. each attack or scuffle, i made adjustments. it may have been possible, but at great cost and my mental state was never going to fully recover. each attack or scuffle broke off another piece of my heart and soul. this last time, as i mentioned several posts back, i felt this intense and debilitating fear for everyone in my household, inc. all the little ones she never had an issue with, and me. my confidence was completely crumbled. i had already locked things down so tightly, i did not know where else to make adjustments so as to guarantee nothing would ever happen again.

and so i linger in these exasperating states of denial and guilt, blame and second guessing. my reason knows i did the right thing. my heart is just plainly broken.

looking back, there were escalating tensions between madelynne and tess. nothing came of them and i did not register them fully, as i had so many protective measures in place. tess and madelynne's crates were next to each other. for some time over the last year or so, i would find tess' crate "walked" across the floor when i got home. i ended up putting a board to brace tess' crate, and it stayed in place. i recently placed a board between the crates so they could not see each other. in july, i had major repairs done on the house. i had to crate the dogs during this work. once, i had only latched the top of tess' crate, which i did all the time when i needed the dogs to be in their crates and i was nearby. i heard commotion. tess' head was poking out the bottom and her collar had gotten caught on the bottom latch. no harm done, tess was free in a second. the most disturbing about this incident was that madelynne was furiously trying to get to tess through the corner of her crate, which was fully secured. all the other dogs were anxious for tess; madelynne was in full attack mode, teeth bared, menacing growling... i commanded her to stand down and she backed off immediately. it explained what had been happening between these two over the months while i was at work. when the attack happened, these incidents came back to my mind. madelynne was working to get to tess already for some time, and the night of the perfect storm, the crack in the regiment was her window of opportunity, and she took it. it was once again clear that being human was to the demise of managing madelynne.

reviewing the numbers, i adopted her in jan 2007. she had 8 1/2 years. her age at rescue was unknown. we estimated her to be around a year old, or so. hard to tell. she was young, to be sure. the thought that she had a virtually full life from the estimated 12-15, despite everything gives me a bit of solace.

and so in everything i'm trying to find further justification, to put my damaged heart at ease.

every thought of her alive and the very next, her ashes.

the deepest irony is the fact that after my house renovation, during which i also deep cleaned the inside, i experienced a complete sense of peace and well being for the first time in my life. the reasons for all the animals, animal rescue, the fight to protect the innocent, all point back to severe issues as a child and into my adulthood. although i have been healing from the damages in my past, i still have all the animals to care for and my commitment has always remained strong.

on 3 august, my world started crumbling, and the perfect storm started forming, culminating in the death of madelynne.

to go from one extreme to the other has left me even more broken than before and i do not know how to ever trust a feeling of peace again.

Hi, Monique, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "to go from one extreme to the other has left me even more broken than before and i do not know how to ever trust a feeling of peace again."

I truly wish I could give you an easy answer. I know so well from my own personal life experiences how re-building one's life can be daunting when the peace previously known has been thrown into a total chaos. The "trust" once known of being able to handle life's experiences and make reasonably sound decisions is gone - - how do you trust your abilities and decisions ever again?

I have learned through the years that with each "perfect storm" comes the opportunity to begin anew - - after we grieve for what has been lost. We all have our breaking points, and it sounds like you have surpassed yours. From what you share with us, it is evident that Madelynn's attack on Tess was eventually inevitable. If you had not made the decision to release her from her tormented mind, the next attack could have been on you, or a visitor - - the latter of which could have brought legal charges against you. THIS you do NOT need, and neither did Madelynne. She could have ended up being shot by a law enforcement officer, - - in your presence - - or not so humanely incarcerated and euthanized. You did the RIGHT THING in lovingly releasing her from the torment of her uncontrollable aggression, Monique. She was blessed to have you by her side comforting her as she transitioned home to the angels where she is now free from all the agony of the aggression she could not control in her earthly journey - - and you could not predict. I know right now this is of little comfort to your heart - - still I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you did the very best you could for your beloved Madelynne.

I am so very sorry your precious Meaghan has been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure. If she is not happy with the sub q fluid injections, it really is okay to stop them. The sub q fluids will not change the course of the CRF while the injections may just add stress to your precious Meaghan that she does not need. I know beyond all shadow of a doubt that whatever decision you make on this will be the RIGHT ONE for your precious Meaghan. I know so well the Anticipatory Grief you are experiencing knowing that your other senior feline companions are approaching the same journey as your precious Meaghan - - and I share your heartache.

The only thing we can do, Monique, is take one day at a time - - one moment at a time - - and do the very best we can with the circumstances, resources, and life experiences we have. I know so very well the feelings of "failure" and "never being good enough" in my efforts to prevent catastrophe. Each major "perfect storm" event does take a toll on us emotionally, and we are never the same again. I remember so well with my personal experiences wondering "where and how do I go on from here? How do I start again?" And as we get older our resillience to re-build our lives from "perfect storm" events is less. This is why it is so vitally important for you to know you are NOT alone, Monique. Please know we are here for you. Sadly, no, we are not geographically close to you to physically help you through the day to day chores and challenges. But we are here for you to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when you feel your heart can no longer carry the burden of your deepest sorrow. And if you need to, you can always private message us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you so much for this reply. i read and re-read what you write. it gives me comfort, wisdom, reason.

in addition to the message i sent you, thank you for what your wrote about meaghan. i decided to not try the subq fluids further. she is still very with it, eating eagerly, esp. the softened food mixture i prepare, and i adore her attentions, as always. she does get a probiotic once a day and appears to not be traumatized with this. there is a medication, azodyl, which reportedly not only my vet swears by, but has helped many felines in CRF. this is very expensive medication and fro what i have read, the results are mixed. the primary ingredients are probiotics, so i'm hoping a good quality antibiotic in capsule form will also help. if meaghan starts to resent getting pilled once a day, then i will stop this as well. mackenzie was the last cat to endure my insistences on medications. it does not serve a feline's quality of life at all. in addition to the upset, the feline also will alter his/her entire daily pattern, to include avoiding her human parent. i would rather have my cats snuggle with me and whenever they want attention, then to have them hide from me for fear of getting some sort of unwanted treatment.

my thoughts travel to cale, a redbone coonhound mix, who ended up in a high kill shelter in 2007. my friend, who runs a coonhound rescue, pulled cale just in time. high heartworm positive, no foster or home to help, until i stepped up to the plate. we formed an immediate bond and i a foster failure. my sweet cale. what a fabulous soul! last winter, i noticed she was taking longer to urinate. UTI suspect. treatment. some relief, yet the straining resumed after the anti-inflammatory benefits of the antibiotics wore off. i took her to dr. jolley in the beginning of may of this year, and an extensive battery of test were run, to include xrays. supposedly a growth in the peritoneal area (base of the tail, under the spine), typically suspect as secondary to a primary malignancy somewhere else, in this case, probably the bladder. so theoretically the dreaded C in her bladder. i tuned the rest out.

i completely ignored the diagnosis. the path ahead was more tests, surgery, chemo, maybe radiation, advanced clinics, meaning travel to a clinic well outside reasonable travel distances. and the stress on cale was too much for me to bear, much less even consider all of these invasive procedures. i took her home, and started her on oral Manuka honey twice a day. she excelled at everything! thriving! then in the beginning of july she stopped eating from one meal to the next. in the weeks that followed, i discovered a growing redness in the creases of her back legs, near her abdomen. then massive pitting edema in her back legs, all the way to her feet. i syringe fed her twice a day. her regiment of care was intense. supplements, epsom and sea salt compresses, topical and oral Manuka honey, constant vigilence. i had her on baytril and prednisone. i read somewhere that the prednisone could cause this edema... i weaned her off the meds, always still the Manuka honey. she completely recovered. my vet is flabbergasted. i'm not. the lesson here is less is more. although the baytril arrested the deep tissue infection (cellulitis, i believe), the honey has kept the dreaded C at bay. i wonder if the madelynne attack last year did not leave some bacteria behind that grew into cellulitis...

same for meaghan. less is more and better.

another monday. it will have been a week this afternoon... so many firsts this past weekend and now the first monday... very difficult to comprehend everything. i left work early and took madelynne on a leash immediately out the door. she missed her evening meal. everyone did. everyone's favorite, a warm meal. it was one of many hauntings. i feared having everyone out, as i prepared the evening meal with madelynne always close by. what if something else happened? panic flooded over me. i cried the whole way there. i felt fear. i talked to her, telling her how sorry i was, that it had to stop, that i had no further recourse. she mostly laid down, making painful little sounds, then sitting up as i neared a stop or slowed to go through a curve. i told her what a good girl she was, how much i loved her, and that she was welcome to come back and stay with me forever. i had the visual of this trip in my mind already for years. each time, including after this last attack, i saw us taking this final trip, with madelynne patiently and obediently traveling with me. what a horrible burden this was for me all these years. i always pronounced after such a visual that i could not do this to such a loyal companion. i could not carry her death on my hands. and yet, here we were taking this final ride. from the little noises of anguish she was uttering, i wonder if she knew... i now see myself stopping and turning around, going home with her. i see this over and over again. the denial is an exasperating exercise on the heels of something i saw no other way to end. i hope and pray both madelynne and God forgive me...

just going through the motions of animal care in a kind of numb state. i'm having my morning coffee break and tess is sitting next to me, coming close often to put her head on my shoulder. the last week or so before the attack, tess was doing this more and more, inc. in the evenings, sitting where madelynne usually was. was she looking for protection, or was she trying to tell me something? i recall now how she was rarely out in the yard when madelynne was out. i do have several pictures of them laying together nearby while i would be sitting on the swing outside. pictures of total serenity and peace. how can this be, this appearance that all is well, and then in an instant, an attack, vicious and with deadly intent...? madelynne would take a seat across the sunroom and would come over again and again for attention. i remember how insistent it was. she was clearly jealous. tess had very little opportunity to sit with me because madelynne was always there. i felt it was ok for madelynne to sit across the sunroom, as this seat was for one dog and i could keep a close eye on her. in madelynne's mind, this was apparently not ok. i would stop, give madelynne attention and at times, would have to tell her to go sit down as she was overly insistent and pushy about getting attention, and too close to other dogs. it was too crowded to have tess and madelynne both sitting nearly on top of me. i felt unnerved with her insistence on getting attention and i'm sure she felt that. she was always relentless in this pursuit. another warning sign, allowing tess to sit where madelynne usually did. madelynne would have thrived in a home with a human parent all to herself. no other animals or people. i searched for such a home for years... she cried out for attention in so many ways in her life with me. if i had spent every single minute giving her attention, it would still not have been enough. i would barely give tess any attention sitting next to me, for fear of unequally dividing pets and hugs between the dogs that would somehow upset madelynne.

last year i participated in an energy healing. every sept. we have the opportunity to set our energy clocks back to zero, expunge toxins, and rebuild our energy fields. along with this, you can make a list of things you would like to see happen in the new year. one of the things i wrote was for behavioral issues to stop. i had the cats in mind primarily. now i see that madelynne was part of this. and across the board, behavioral issues have largely stopped or improved...

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. The journey to rebuilding our energy fields after the loss of a beloved companion is an ongoing one for sure. Your precious companions knew that Madelynne had severe challenges, and in their own way, tried to offer their support and encouragement to both you and her. But even their collective efforts could not deter Madelynne's uncontrollable aggression - - and I'm sure each of them wondered when it would be their "turn" to be attacked - - knowing the only one who could ultimately protect them is you - - and watching you slave under the continued pressure to do so. It is not surprising that you are feeling the effects of the enormous stress you have been under trying to be vigilant of Madelynne's every move and need. And it is not surprising to share your comments as to how your precious companions are showing you the difference of not having the constant threat of fear to deal with "one of the things i wrote was for behavioral issues to stop. i had the cats in mind primarily. now i see that madelynne was part of this. and across the board, behavioral issues have largely stopped or improved..." It is so very sad that to make this happen Madelynne could no longer be a physical part of the family unit, and I know this will be a hurt in your heart that will never completely heal. No matter how hard you tried - - or wanted to - - you couldn't change the damage in your beloved Madelynne's brain that compelled her to unpredictable viciousness. The good news is that your precious companions, and you, know your beloved Madelynne is now free from the curse of the uncontrollable aggression, and her sweet Living Spirit is now able to joyfully share your earthly journey. I hope in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that no "forgiveness" is needed in making the decision to release your beloved Madelynne from the bondage of uncontrollable aggression. I hope in time you will feel both Madelynne's and God's blessing and gratitude for everything you did for her.

I'm so glad you feel comfortable not pursuing the sub q injections for your precious Meaghan. Just because a procedure "can be" done does not necessarily mean that it is in the best interest of the patient "to be" done. And I'm so very glad to share your news that your precious Cale is doing well. You have MANY "victories" in taking care of your precious companions, and each of them are so very blessed to have you for their Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Monique.

Moonbeam writes so beautifully. I couldn't say anything as well as she does. I hope you are feeling better today. A long way from feeling at peace I'm sure, but all we can do is take it one day at a time.

Thinking of you.

Lynette.

thanks to both of you for your support and words of comfort.

yesterday i felt so very ill at ease at work. a week ago, i sat at my desk agonizing over my decision, not seeing a way out that could spare madelynne's life. i talked to dr. jolley. we discussed medications, none of which could guarantee silencing the aggression. she said ultimately it was my decision. we both knew.

on my way home from work, i had to run a few errands, one of which was to return the muzzle i had bought for madelynne. it was too big to begin with. i had forgotten i still had it sitting in my car for return. once home, after initial animal care, i had to mow the grass. so much rain the last week and driving to work, everyone's yards needed a cut. when i entered my street, they were all tended to except mine. i felt incredible pressure to get this done so as to not draw any undue attention to my property. my edger wouldn't start. all the ill at ease was exaggerated. i could not settle down afterwards and finally managed to fall into a fitful sleep, only to wake in another state of panic.

the aftermath is much worse than i ever imagined. i believe my feelings of guilt, failure, and inadequacy are getting the better of me. none of these feelings are productive in any way. how desperate that the first stages of grief add such dire insult, making the loss even worse!

driving to work my thoughts turned to baby love, my ex's dog madelynne killed. the scene i found when i got home was beyond horrific, baby love barely recognizable. i thought she was dead and then saw her chest barely rise and fall. she had fought hard for her life. i found out that while with my ex before we met, she was always part of a pack and how she had killed or participated in a killing. a confrontation with madelynne made her the victim. madelynne was relentless. she kept attacking until there was no hope of recovery. that night has come back to me in full and brings to light just how fortunate we all have been all these years, that none of my dogs or other animals were ever killed by her hand. had i not been there, yes, madelynne would have killed. she did not give up in a fight, that was clear. what saved the victim was my stepping in at the risk of my life to pull madelynne out and to her crate. today appears to be a day of seriously harsh realities. it is not where i failed, it is the numerous occasions i saved a life and all the days i managed somehow to keep things peaceful. it is so clear that all the protective measures i had in place were really to try and cover all the bases and eventualities i could not think of. i never figured out what exactly her triggers were. i have read that pitties tend to attack their own sex. and true to this, madelynne has never tried to attack my male dogs.

as we are all aging, i'm also participating in this. i have progressive disability and weakness in my hands. given a surge of adrenal, all the pain i deal with on a daily basis is gone during that moment of need. i compensate in how i perform tasks where i need to use my hands. what if one day, my hands are not strong enough to pull madelynne away and keep her restrained until i can get her to her crate. she never went to her crate willingly. had i accidentally released her at any point in working my way to her crate with her in a virtual strangle hold with her collar, she would have sped directly to whoever she was trying to kill. each time, i had to ward off other dogs who were upset that madelynne had attacked one of their friends. she would have continued her attacks until such time her rule book told her she was finished. how deeply, deeply disturbing. i feel the fear today that i felt after my sweet tess was attacked.

there is much from which i need to heal...

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Your observation is so astute when you share with us: "the aftermath is much worse than i ever imagined. i believe my feelings of guilt, failure, and inadequacy are getting the better of me. none of these feelings are productive in any way. how desperate that the first stages of grief add such dire insult, making the loss even worse!" Indeed, when we are so emotionally vulnerable the deep grief can make us feel like we are literally being swept out to sea in an endless raging storm with no protection.

The good news is that eventually the towering crashing waves of grief ease and we can begin to find a new hope as the stormy seas give way to calmer tides as we look for a safe harbor. I hope in time you will find a peace in your heart and mind that will help you in your healing.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

i really liked your words, "The good news is that eventually the towering crashing waves of grief ease and we can begin to find a new hope as the stormy seas give way to calmer tides as we look for a safe harbor."

safe harbor. those words evoke feelings of safety and calm.

i spoke with my sister in law today about madelynne. not in grand detail. she knew the history. it gave me some peace of mind to share this devastating news, and to have it met with kindness and reassurance.

i fed my dogs their warm meal this evening. in honor of madelynne, we gave it a pass last night. it was difficult to leave madelynne's bowl behind and to not see her waiting patiently. it was always a pleasure to provide her care on a day to day basis. always so well behaved. i also had more food, dividing madelynne's portion among the other dogs. it was the same empty feeling when i lost my molly. she loved her evening meal. she passed away on monday- the friday before she was dancing and barking for her evening meal. how very sad that was. i don't think of this every day anymore, but i'll never forget it.

i never know what i'm going to wear to work until the morning of. my mood decides the color palette and type of dress. this morning, i reached for a purple and lilac ankle length dress. it has always been one of my favorite, long and comfortable, and the colors always calm me. i wore a gemstone necklace and earrings with amethyst. nothing coincidental about any of these choices. i have always loved amethyst for the calm it evokes and it's deep, far-reaching beauty. i had a few pangs of calm today. perhaps an oxymoron. i don't know any other way to describe it.

of much alarm to me is that as of late, there have been so, so many stories in the news promotion and protecting pitties. i remarked this well before madelynne's last attack. one liberty bell after another rings in my head. more silent screams for all time. nooooooooooooooo....!!! why do these stories not tell the whole truth! pittie fans are hellbent on protecting the species and removing the indelible stain on this breed's reputation. at all costs. without writing with full disclosure about pitties, they are actually harming the breed more than helping! after madelynne's last attack, i was on the research trail once again to try and find ways to close the cracks in my regiment and try and institute further lock down measures to protect everyone, inc. madelynne from herself. i landed on the site of a very educated pit rescue. there was a list of do's and don'ts. among them: never leave a pitbull unattended with other animals and never trust that a pitbull will not attack even if everything in that pit's history tells you it will never happen. none of these stories mentioned anything along these lines. i shudder at the thought of people taking a relaxed approach with pit ownership because, after all, all these stories talk about what great, loving, loyal, sweet and docile family companions they are, leaving off "the rest of the story, paul harvey."

my dog household is at peace.

anger.

i was wondering when that would kick in. not all loss involves anger. like my sweet jasper. that grief stage never materialized.

with madelynne, every single negative aspect of grieving is on overdrive.

my daughter told me last night over email in responding to something i wrote her about that, Oh, she has not had time to check on me, that is just worn out and too busy...

since when does deep trauma resolve itself overnight? how long does a text asking "u ok" take to send?

note to self to maintain a very, very long and respectable distance from this person who supposedly cares so much, and from other so-called friends who have done the same.

true colors are glaring.

Hey Monique.

Sorry about your daughter. How true it is "true colours are glaring". In times like this your real friends really do come through for you. Others, whom you thought were friends, well....I guess not so much.

Some people just don't have a clue what it's like to have a pet and others are just so cold-hearted. I actually feel sorry for those people. Having pets is the greatest joy of my life, along with my daughter of course. I've always had one or more. And as much as it hurts when they leave I could never imagine not having one to come home to and to snuggle with and hug and kiss. I love mine with everything I am and I have the right to grieve for them as I want (so do you) and I don't think these people have the right to make us feel ashamed of it. Infact, I think I would miss my dogs more than any human! They don't judge me, they don't make me feel stupid or ashamed.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day.

Lynette.

so, so true, what you write, lynette. animals are so true to their love for us. it never waivers. they will not desert you, or criticize you, or defame your character, or anything else on a 50 million mile long list of how man pollutes everthing he touches. i don't know of any other animal species who mistreats its own kind the way man does. in addition to the endless toxcity coming from my daughter, her husband does not "get the animal thing," and has even cursingly criticized and condemned me for it!

renewed contact with her on 3 aug brought together the perfect storm that ended up in the death of madelynne. the environment surrounding madelynne isn't the only one that has always told me the same thing. to be clear, i do not blame nicole for madelynne's death. that was its own demise in the making already for years. the fact that this happened very shortly after contact with her resumed, rings a huge warning bell. part of me will always associate madelynne's death with a flood of toxic waste spilling into my life, of which contact with nicole is a huge part.

shutting doors once again.

Hi Monique.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could just be nice and treat others the way they want to be treated? It's too bad all of the turmoil with your daughter. You definitely don't need this. And once again, I can understand what you're feeling, I don't have anything to do with my brother (because of his wife - she takes great joy in making others miserable).

I don't understand how people can be so cruel and negative towards animals. They need our help too. These poor animals that are left to fend for themselves sometimes, it's just horrible. What you do is amazing and if someone you love can't understand that, then that's just too bad for them. But they should just bite their tongues and let you do what you want. One day, perhaps they will be in a situation where they need help and perhaps then they will appreciate the wonderful work that you do. I wish I had the time and the resources to help more animals. Two of my dogs are rescues (sort of). Izzy is, she was rescued from a puppy mill. Casey's owners didn't want her anymore, but at least they took the time to find a new home for her. I've seen a dog mourn and I cannot even fathom how an animal must feel when it's been abandoned or abused. George was a rescue too, he was dumped. Lily was a rescue. And these rescues are forever grateful for what we do for them. The love they offer is so mighty it can only be the work of something greater than we are. I'm not a religious person, so I'm not gonna say God. But who knows!

Some people are just so wrapped up in their own little lives that they have no room for anyone or anything else. Sad, but true.

You are the best. You are a life saver to these innocent animals. And you saw something beautiful in Madelynne that no one else was willing to take a chance on. You are an angel in my eyes. Maybe you should forgive your daughter for her arrogance. One cannot live with that kind of stuff messing with their minds all the time. I know - been there. It consumes you and it's definitely not healthy. If you never have anything more to do with her, you need to let go and have peace with what's been done. I'm just saying, I don't know exactly how you're handling it, if you still have anything to do with her or not.

Keep on doing what you're doing. There are many, many of us who admire you for what you do.

Take care.

Lynette.

hi lynette,

thank you for your words of wisdom, comfort and support. my grief for losing madelynne has been amplified and exascerbated by the contact with nicole. i ended it this morning. your advice to forgive her is very sage. it is the only way for me to go on without dragging balls and chains along. i have to start to be true to myself and not get involved with her anymore. i took her reaching out at the end of july and what she wrote as signs that she had reached maturity and awareness about things. apparently this was not the case.

my number one commitment and responsibility is to all the animals who love and entrust me with their care. i have so, so many stories of complex rehabilitation, both mental and physical. i know now that my painful past with my family led me down the path to help animals. as they age and go to heaven, i will strive to simplify my life in regards to the numbers. i will always help an animal in need. the key here, that whatever we undertake in this life, we need to strive to do it well. when i was actively rescuing, i networked extensively across the country to pull animals to safety and new homes. interwoven, there were so many heartbreaking stories of the plight of animals, to include rescuers "gone bad," to the extreme detriment of the animals.

as the days since losing madelynne are growing in number, i do feel little blips of calm here and there. or maybe acceptance is a better word. as moon beam so correctly pointed out, i really did keep her safe and loved. for as long as i humanly could. she could have ended up much, much worse. my limitless imagination has filled in many blanks, and the visuals are best silenced. i read yet another article of a rescued pittie mix, 8 yrs old, from a kill shelter. nothing is known about this poor dog except that she lived a life filled with neglect and despair. this person has given her another chance at life and love, for whatever time she has left. i applaud these efforts and can relate to the drive to help the most disadvantaged. as i wrote earlier, i hope that the quest to help this breed and find homes are handled with the utmost prudence, care, and attention given to the high likelihood and potential for harm these dogs can inflict on others.

you have helped a great number of animals yourself. i have read your stories... how blessed they are for having had and having you as their earthly mom.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I share the comforting words our forum friend Lynette has shared with you about your relationship with your daughter. Sometimes the only thing we can do for someone we love is to pray for them. Loving someone also involves recognizing if / when the relationship is not healthy and taking the necessary action we need to protect ourselves from being involved in a toxic relationship. Only you can determine how to best handle this situation, but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will be able to find peace in your heart with your decision.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and all your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

the lull after the perfect storm.

the last words my daughter hurled at me over email in all caps were that i'm not right, that i LET madelynne kill and attack, that i forsake my own flesh and blood for my animals, that she would resume processing my death with her psychiatrist, ... that i died a long time ago. recognizing she spewed this venom in anger, at the grass roots of it all, are truths she has always lived by, having always resented my helping animals. it unnerved and angered her to no end that i was not OK finding her animals living in squalor and neglected, and then pointing this out. how desperately sad for these animals, who rely on their human caregivers! she wanted no help or advice. no, let's just continue to live in deplorable conditions, victimizing the innocent! even now, at 32, despite all my efforts to explain and show how my advocacy for the plight of animals all came about... all in vain. i will never stop helping animals! what a distorted view of reality!

severing contact with my daughter after this brief reconnect, as much as this is against all natural order... i feel relief. my anger is gone. she took the anger phase with her. i can now heal in my own way without toxic intrusion and start to rebuild. i don't want madelynne's death to be in vain. i want positive things associated with her passing. my dog family is already much calmer. i am able to crate less. they are rearranging where they sleep. i'm working several issues with my small dogs that have needed attention for some time, and am seeing positive results. managing madelynne consumed a great deal of my time and energies, and all the hidden stress is starting to ooze out.

and tess is going great! tess is sitting next to me, with her sweet head resting against my shoulder, her favorite position. she has championed through this trial. she grins when she sees me, tap dances with her front feet, her back end wiggling with glee, and life for her is now filled with a grand order of peace. i removed her stitches last night. she has healed well. there is still a knot of scar tissue in the middle of her chest, where there was the most tissue damage and dr. jolley feared the tissue left could possibly still die off. as it was, she had to remove a sizable strip of skin until she found healthy tissue, like a cosmetic surgeon repairing a neck lift. she laid down on my lap while i was doing this, patiently waiting while i worked. a scar from shoulder bone to shoulder bone.

tears well up... tears of joy for still having this sweet, gracious spirit in my life. tears of sadness for madelynne.

*takes deep, cleansing breath*

Morning.

So happy to hear you are doing better today. Sorry about the deal with your daughter though. Things can only get better from now on.

I love how you write. I really do. Are you a writer?

Lynette.