hi lynette,

thank you for stopping in. i hoped you would today. i visit this site many times during the day. it keeps me going through all of my dysfunction. i used to have a facebook account, primarily to be able to view the details of many animals needing help. i somehow got connected with rescue efforts in foreign countries. if the united states are bad,... omg, overseas there are so, so many horrors and all i could do was emit silent screams, one after another. i, too, hid the threads, or deleted the contact. i left facebook altogether not long after i stopped networking. i'm at peace with this decision.

hi moon_beam,

i read your advice several times today. you summarize it perfectly, that i "feel as though there is no end to the "rip tide" that continues to drag you under the swells and further out to deeper water without any rescue or refuge in sight." yes, rip tides. dragging me across the ocean floor and back to the surface for the briefest possible moment to grab a gulp of air, and then not even a lung full.

believe it or not, i am trying very hard to put time aside for myself every day. i spend a great deal of time by myself. sitting with my dogs at night in the sunroom, as i am now while i'm writing, is the moment of peace i long for every day. the dogs are either slumbering in their spots, or playing nicely (the little ones, l'il peep, otis and olivia, 3 little ones with tons of energy looking for fun... there is something so very endearing and sweet about little innocents romping and playing, completely oblivious to the pain in the world. their lives center around where to find the next toy, or game, or mischief...). visiting and writing here is the singularly most comforting companion to my grief. when i get to a quiet spot, my mind is even busier thinking, sorting, justifying. i have been experiencing psychosomatic symptoms lately. stomach upset and pain. food does not sit right. i tried to eat particularly well today, thinking i just needed a well balanced meal. it all just hurt my stomach. i realize i'm in a dangerous place, now that physical symptoms have started to manifest. i'm now in full retreat from everyone and everything that isn't absolutely necessary.

and, then...

i was rear ended sitting at a stop sign on my way home today to meet an insurance adjuster for ongoing leaks in my sunroom. life continues to just happen right alongside my grief. the young woman just rolled into my bumper. i feel it already in my neck and back of my head. stiffness. she was very apologetic and then started to cry. she stated she thinks she actually blacked out for a moment due to unexplained headaches as of late. she started to cry again and remained in a state of distress the entire time. her boyfriend showed up and was particularly talkative, which i found difficult to process. so much going on, his nonstop chatter, the policeman asking questions and filling in forms, the young woman crying and upset, talking and explaining, dabbing her face so as to not mess up her makeup (geez), the heat and humidity, the merciless sun beating down, the ticking clock as i needed to get home to let my dogs out and situate them before the adjuster arrived. i noted every hair and fuzzy and dirt spot on my car. madelynne hairs, no doubt. i felt ever older and more haggard than even moments before the accident. i told the young woman, the bumper is no big deal, it's just stuff. provide comfort at my own expense. take care of your health issues, i said. it was obviously not about me even though i was the one rear ended. was she being honest, or was she texting? i'll never know. i felt her distress, regardless of what the root cause of it was, and i just wanted to run to a quiet place and let out yet another silent scream. she was completely unaware of all the rip tides in my life. she was in distress and that added to my distress as i absorbed hers.

the appointment with adjuster came and went. and,... my toilet is still running nonstop- thank goodness i can easily turn off the water after each use. and life just keeps on going.

i want to run to my cliff, and stand in the driving rain and wind with my cape billowing behind me, while a lone raven cried and circled overhead. just me and the raven. let everything else Just.Be.Quiet!

my cliff: years ago, i had someone tell me to find my rock, a place, a picture, a scene, whatever, that i refer to and establish boundaries that nothing and no one with intrusive intent could cross or enter. for me, that virtual place was "obviously" a cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom and the ocean waters crashing relentlessly. this place is virtually impregnable, and that is no doubt why it instantly leaped into my mind as she was describing her rock. a necessary and extreme isolation. my cliff, the ocean, the raven. all are significant. i have not thought of my cliff for quite some time. i believe that is where i need to go in my mind to find peace from all the shipwrecks.

Hi Monique.

So sorry you had such a terrible day. I won't stay long tonight, but just thought I would stop in and see if you had written anything. I enjoy our conversations - even though it's based on such sorrow.

Perhaps you should have a nice relaxing bath tonight. Rest and relax a while in peaceful solitude. I think you need some very much needed relaxation.

I will check in again tomorrow.

Good night Monique. Sleep well.

Lynette.

what a nice surprise! thank you! i am about to turn in, which means many animal care steps first. you, too, sleep well. both of us, with our loved ones and living spirits, as moon_beam always says. xoxo

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I am so sorry you had to endure yet another mishap yesterday with being rear-ended. I hope the stiffness in your neck and head is only temporary and can be relieved by over the counter pain meds as needed. Please let us know how you're doing.

The cliff with the crashing waves and raven - - sounds like an idyllic mental escape. From what you are sharing with us about your physical symptoms it definitely sounds like you are experiencing typical stress related symptoms. I highly encourage you in your efforts to be "in full retreat from everyone and everything that isn't absolutely necessary." This is vitally important for your physical and emotional health.

I am so smiling at your description of the comfort you receive as you watch your little ones as you share with us "there is something so very endearing and sweet about little innocents romping and playing, completely oblivious to the pain in the world. their lives center around where to find the next toy, or game, or mischief...)." It is moments like these you need to focus on - - and try to multiply them as much as possible - - so that the GOODNESS of your days will outweigh the moments of aggravation, disappointments, etc.. You have been immersed in negativity for a long time, Monique, and the result of this is taking its toll on you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you, moon_bean, for your grace and comfort.

the daily guidepost entry is included here. most appropriate, whether from a global perspective or a microcosm subset.

Good afternoon.

Hoping today finds you in a good place and well rested.

Moon_beam said it right - you've been under so much stress for so long that it's only understandable that it would take some time to get used to things the way they are now.

9/11 - 14 years ago - wow time flies doesn't it? I still remember vividly where I was when I heard the news as do most people. I read a post on Facebook about the last know rescue dog from that day turning 16. Amazing - she was from Texas and they flew her back to New York for her birthday. Such a beautiful dog and what an amazing thing she did.

Not much to write about today. Pretty quiet here at work. Looking forward to the weekend not that I have much planned - just yard work and taking down our pool. We had a light frost this morning so summer is pretty much done up here. That sucks - cos I love summer so much. Definitely not looking forward to months on end of winter!

Have a concert to go to on Monday. My daughter bought tickets to Don Williams for my birthday this year. So that's where we're off to Monday evening. Should be good. Then it's her birthday Tuesday. We have so many birthdays this month. We'll have family over on Sunday for that. I always buy a gift from my little angels to give her everything birthday and Christmas. I ordered a giraffe necklace for her this year. I'll wrap it so pretty and tag with love from Bud, Lady, Hunny, Lily, George and all the cats. She'll get one each from Izzy, Barney, Casey and the cats. We spoil her so much!!!

Anyway, I'm just rambling on and on. I hope you have a good day today and a good weekend Monique.

Take care.

hi lynette,

hard to believe, yes, 14 years ago... i also recall exactly where i was.

i saw the story of bretagne. it so endeared me. 16 years old. we have to know that all the dogs who so valiantly and bravely searched for survivors knew much more than any human toiling in the aftermath. she is the last known canine survivor. i've been thinking about her all day. i saw an article many years ago that featured many of the dogs who helped out. many of their faces gray with age, eyes filled with love and wisdom.

thank you for stopping in. i'm working to focus on the good that is happening around me. out of every disaster, there is a blessing. i did not get seriously hurt in the rear end collision. the ongoing house repair issues are not worth getting upset over in the grand scheme of things- we have a solid roof over our heads. and there is much to celebrate in my dog family as peace continues to spread.

i hope you have a nice weekend. enjoy all the upcoming festivities- happy birthday greetings to you and your daughter. pleasant times to help ease the pangs of pain.

xo

the most loving tribute to one of the great heroes of our time, britagne.

in honor of all the the canines who worked tirelessly in the aftermath of 9/11:

http://www.onegreenplanet.org/news/bretagn...b57ca-106532873

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, the canine heros who worked ferverishly to find survivors - - as well as those who worked diligently to find the remains of those lost - - will forever be remembered. There was a picture in the local newspaper that I remember to this day - - and wish I had clipped it out to save - - of one of the Search and Rescue dogs sitting next to one of the firefighter first responders on a street curb in front of the fallen Twin Towers, with the S&R dog cradled in the firefighter's arms.

One of the many treasured memories I have with my beloved Oslo is that we were honored to work with a class of at risk youth. We visited them once a week, and I prepared lessons for the students on how animals help humanity - - including historical lessons on the history of animals in war, search and rescue, and the anatomical similarities between animals and humans. One of the historical lessons of animals in war I included was about the Lipizzan Stallions and how General Patton and his German counterpart worked together to save them as war invaded the safety of their stables and grazing patures. Other lessons included information about the fragile environment including the horrible disaster of Chernbyl nuclear power plant and Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania - - how everything affects every living being literally from the living earth and life giving water and all that is sustained by them.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

sweet oslo,... how wonderful that the two of you were able to reach many impressionable minds. very interesting about general patton. i know the 9/11 picture you are talking about. a google search will get you a copy, should you still want it.

i subscribe to one green planet and in the daily sending, was this story: http://www.onegreenplanet.org/news/belle-w...a9ca2-106532873. i had to make this part of my thread. this is at the heart of why rescue is worth all the sacrifices. i'm originally from holland and am honored that irene lives in holland and has given little belle such a wonderful life.

many of the clouds have lifted from my soul. i managed to get some things done, got some rest, and am enjoying my quiet time with my dogs this evening. it has helped me to write to alicia, who has suffered the recent loss of her tristan. she mentioned that while she is writing or composing something in memoriam or talking about the passing of her beloved tristan, that she feels some reprieve from the relentless pain of grief, and then when she is away from the activity, the pains of grief wash over her once again. i completely understand this. the madelynne chapter has been an intense trial on many fronts. i have never written or reached out as much before. when i'm actively engaging with those who understand, i feel relief. once that passes, clouds reappear. thankfully, i found some relief in the cloud cover without constant contact.

healing is in progress.

Hi, Monique, thank you for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I am so glad to share your news that "healing is in progress", and that you are finally being able to feel the benefits of some much needed rest. During the grief journey it can feel like we have days where we can take one step forward and then out of nowhere we find ourselves feeling like we are taking 10 steps backward. This is a normal part of the grief adjustment journey, which is another reason why it is important for you to know we are here for you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

oh my goodness, a huge, thunderous wave crashing... major trigger: feeding the dogs their warm evening meal. madelynne loved these! always waiting patiently. such a good girl in the day to day things. i never had to spend much time training her. she was so, so intelligent. the looming questions: why could the intelligence and good behavior not zero out the aggression? where does this drive to maim and kill come from!?? i feel such deep, deep regret... :'(

i've started to write here several times, and then just couldn't get my fingers to move. i have spent some time trying to help alicia, and writing her helps. it gives me a sense of validation and purpose. there is a kindred spirit in her, a deep caring and kindness. i need that in my world. moon_beam's love and comfort is tried and true. life saving! i wish people like alicia, moon_beam, lynette, my george, all lived in my neighborhood. i understand what alicia is dealing with so well, including the mere temporary reprieve writing gives at times. there are many demons that continue to haunt me. i feel like the life has just been sucked out of me on so many levels. i drag through my days, find pleasure in so very few things, and cannot get good rest. i am identifying the sheer magnitude of what all is going on, and it's so much more intense than i initially realized. it's deeper than the perfect storm that descended into hell with the advent of my daughter's contact. the perfect storm definitely accelerated and exacerbated things, to be clear.

i realize that where i had hope, even a smidgen, that has now extinguished as well. i feel it on so many fronts. there is no going back to my family, including my daughter. i feel hopelessly alone. part of me had always hoped i would find an elephant herd to belong to, where individuality is celebrated, being different is ok, condemnation is not allowed. i feel hopeless regarding mankind. the news is just not good. sure, there are pockets of humanitarian efforts to save species or improve life or stop barbaric practices or correct what man is doing to ruin this planet. yet, man has been on earth for how long, and he is just now getting around to correcting some of his demonic behavior?!! i will not see an end to so many horrendous things he does in my lifetime and this is causing huge suffering on my part as i feel the pain of the innocents. millions and millions of silent screams. i cannot stand to see meat packaged in grocery stores, i change the channel when a food commercial featuring meat comes on and my heart aches for the slaughtered animal on display, my heart aches for all the cows i see on my way to work, who are being raised for beef. i whisper to them, Enjoy your freedom, graze, sleep and love each other. a cow is a very social creature and they live 25 - 30 years under normal circumstances. where is it ok that man artificially inseminates the cow to ensure lactation for his benefits, steals the baby not long after birth to be slaughtered as he is useless (!!!) or live in a veal crate!!! both mom and baby suffer horribly! the inhumane slaughter of so many for the sake of feeding man's never ending appetite for meat while making the most money. and this is just the tip of the iceberg. the horrors are beyond reprehensible. none of the suffering is made evident on a large enough scale to actually get mass scale action in place and immediately. how many times have i not read about an elephant kept chained for decades, and then STILL, there is a fight to release the poor creature from confinement and cruelty! the killing of the dolphins in that bay in japan or the annual seal slaughter! how and why is this allowed to go on??? the news stories talk of how cruel this all is, yet these barbaric practices and many more continue year after year!

what is the meaning of this earthly existence? the older i get, the more the answer eludes me and my resistance to my own, resulting deterioration continues to erode. for all the animals i have rescued and rehabilitated, and i have not even made a microscopic dent in the suffering. and then, i have had to deal with bloodshed and horror in my very home, the place that was supposed to be a haven of peace and love. never give up, i always say, and yet, i had to give up on madelynne...

... it's about 7:40 pm and just for a moment,... i was the Only.Person.On.This.Entire.Site.

one is the loneliest number...

Dear Monique.

So sorry you are feeling this way. I can totally understand everything you say.

You did not give up on Madelynne. You shouldn't think that for even a moment. You were there when she needed you for all these years. I know what you did was difficult and heart wrenching. But you did not give up on her. You gave her a home, love and hope when nobody else would. Can you imagine what kind of turmoil that poor little creature had to endure all those years? She tried her very best to be the best for you and your fur family. She tried. (I'm crying writing this). It breaks my heart to think of you suffering like this.

I know when I lost Lily and Hunny, I slipped into a depression. Nothing seemed "worth it", everything "sucked". The whole world was terrible. It took a few years, but I think I've come through that storm. I still have times when it's so painful, but those times are shorter now. And I can somehow push them aside when I want to. Perhaps you need some counselling? I tried to do that, but when I phoned someone, we just couldn't come to an agreement on an appointment. I wasn't going to meet someone at Tim Horton's on a Saturday an hour and a half away!! But somehow, even just talking on the phone with this person for just a few minutes, having her acknowledge that I had been through so much pain seemed to help.

Yes, it's too bad we don't all live closer. I'd love to meet you. Not sure if we'd have anything else in common, other than our love for animals, but it would be nice to see you. I doubt you'd be very happy with me though. I live on a farm. I don't farm, just live there, but still I'm so close to everything you despise about man. I could never farm. I could never raise an animal only to eat it. I have a hard enough time seeing a dead bird or skunk on the highway!

Life sure can suck. There is so much I wish I could do. But I'm stuck in this life of mine. Back and forth to a job that I don't enjoy. I love my time off, I love spending time with my pups. I feel guilty when I have to leave them home alone. I wish they'd live longer than they do. They should live as long as humans.

Is there nobody you can talk to? Nobody you can go hang out with for a couple of hours? You should go do something for yourself. I love to go for walks. I would love to walk by the sea, but that is thousands of miles away, so I have to settle with just down the road!

Anyway, I hope you feel better today.

Take care Monique.

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As our forum friend Lynette has so comfortingly shared with you, please permit me to add my continued support as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I know so well from first hand experience how depressing the "real world" is. We can get so caught up in the horrible state of affairs that we lose sight of the many wonderful, beautiful blessings we have - - particularly when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief. There are some legitimate organizations that offer grief support via hotline services. I know Tufts University offers hotline grief support for the loss of a beloved companion, and a couple of correspondents who have come here have found their services helpful. Sometimes grieving can literally cause chemical changes in our brains leading us to experience clinical depression. This can happen slowly as we find the joy in our lives erode to non-existence not for just a day or a week - - but continually. I know from first hand experience that when we lose hope - - for anything - - our will to live also begins to diminish. Clinical depression can lead to more serious feelings such as suicide, and when this happens it is important that we seek professional assistance. Only you can determine what you want to do, Monique.

I wish to affirm Lynette's words of comfort to you: "You did not give up on Madelynne. You shouldn't think that for even a moment. You were there when she needed you for all these years. I know what you did was difficult and heart wrenching. But you did not give up on her. You gave her a home, love and hope when nobody else would. Can you imagine what kind of turmoil that poor little creature had to endure all those years? She tried her very best to be the best for you and your fur family. She tried." Even though you had to make the decision to end your beloved Madelynne's suffering, you did not fail her. You did exactly what she needed - - you compassionately and lovingly released her from the agonizing torture of a brain consumed with uncontrollable and unpredictable aggression. If she were to still be physically with you she would still be tormented by whatever was affecting her brain, and you would still be struggling to try to keep her aggressive behavior under control - - which was becoming a losing battle for the both of you. Madelynne does not want you tortured by your decision to release her from the agonizing torture of her aggression. Instead, she wants you to be happy knowing she is forever grateful for everything you did for her, and tried to do for her. Hopefully - - eventually - - you will come to embrace this in your heart and will find a peace and hope in your heart once again.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you, both, for you loving words of comfort and support. lynette, it would be fabulous to spend time with you and your peeps on your farm. i really need to be on a farm of my own... i'd rescue horses and cows then, for sure, and have a flock of chickens, some goats, and whatever furred or feathered happened along who needed a home. i with you about the job situation.

i do have a few friends near me who i can hang with. scheduling is always an issue- everyone is busy, is the going theme. and i don't feel comfortable talking about this as much as i need to with them, as if i'm burdening them with the proverbial broken record. part of this has much to do with my own insecurities and not wanting to intrude or bother others.

one of these friends told me last night, "And it's also well to remember that we all have dark moments when everything seems futile and intransigent. It's our will and spirit to overcome that sees us through. I've known moments of what I thought were absolute despair. Nothing in life lasts, that goes for hard times too!"

i have sought out counseling and even medication in years past. none of these options work for me. i already know what's going on and to get a counselor up to speed as to what all has been and is going on is an exhausting and daunting undertaking. i don't want to spend energy on starting from scratch, explaining the most basic of things about me or my situation. i then get to relive all the experiences that i'm done with but cannot omit as they are crucial to understanding the full picture. it's exhausting just to write about this. i'm hard pressed to take even an aspirin, much less mind altering medications that rearrange reality. meds were very short lived. my best option is to bite through the pain, seek out God, and places like this forum to help me.

the part about the desperation and abuse worldwide has been part of me for as long as i can remember. i cannot just turn a blind eye or pretend it's not happening. the pain for all the innocents is recognition that their lives do matter, that they are not forgotten. i have to process all of this as a grief cycle, and the world situation is one, long, ongoing, exasperating cycle that never stops. i am convinced that if mainstream society really paid attention and got educated, things would improve for the plight of animals and the planet. i find that people live plastic lives, travel plastic lanes, and are consumed with checking off things on the obligatory list of life. hypocrisy also runs very deep. living in the south, in the proverbial bible belt, people dutifully attend church and all manner of functions to show their love for God, and yet they will stab a neighbor in the back or leave a poor dog tied in the backyard with no hope ever of getting even the most basic care and love. from this very basic level of the individual, all the way to the broadest possible terms, it is beyond my comprehension why being gentle and kind are so eluded by a species that supposedly has such high cognitive function. i have heard "superior species" throughout the years and just want to vomit at these words. sure, a cow could not build a computer, but i would pick the cow over the computer any day of the week. a cow would never mistreat his own kind or others, the way man does.

moon_beam is right in that there are many blessings for which to be thankful, and that is where i ultimately hope to land when the worst of a grief cycle abates.

"for some reason" this pic happened to be open when i started to shut down... someone posted this to my blog many pages back, to help with my losses.

Hi, Monique, thank you for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately our society in general, and sometimes the people who are closest to us geographically and emotionally, do get tired of the "broken record" of a need to express deep grief. So I do understand how you feel when you share with us " i don't feel comfortable talking about this as much as i need to with them, as if i'm burdening them with the proverbial broken record." I just want to reaffirm to you that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Monique, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Monique, just stopping by to check in with you to see how you're doing. I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

hi moon_beam,

thank you so much for taking the time to check on me. i'm definitely doing better and largely because i'm starting to accept a lot of things after living yet another perspective on so many things. i'm still processing heavily on the madelynne chapter and two main thoughts prevail. one, that i miss all the good things about her and two, that i feel a great relief that i no longer have to deal with her aggression.

via a twisted path, the twists and turns of which i cannot fully remember, i ended up at the local animal control facility this past friday. there was an albino bunny there... and the only way to meet her was to go there. i dreaded the drive and the closer i neared, the more anxiety and pain i felt for all the animals in there who would not be going home with me. there are many horrendous memories associated with this shelter that is still killing animals. it wasn't that long ago that they finally stopped using the gas chamber. the shelter director simply does not believe in no kill...

it was early in the morning and there were no other visitors. there she was, in a cage in the lobby area, very, very sweet and not outwardly stressed about being there. number 445814, no name. next to her were multiple cages with very young cats. two in particular spoke to me and i so wished i could have adopted them. i then noticed the door to the dog adoption area and wandered in. they were busy cleaning and did not hear me come in. row after row of dogs waiting for a home. at least 95% were pitbulls or pitbull mixes. i was horrified and saddened. one had a sign, No other dogs. when i got to the last row, the guys said they were not open for adoption. several pitties were tethered outside their runs while they were being cleaned. one very large pitbull had a serious eye injury, a red and bulging eye. wonder what happened. there was a dog very much like my cale there. i wanted so to take her home. the smells of the shelter assaulted my nose. the cat area smelled like cat urine, the dog like poo and just unclean dog.

i left the dog area and went to the office to inquire about the bunny. she was still on a stray hold. i went ahead and paid the adoption fee and filled in all the paperwork for pick up later in the day. i have to say i hesitated a bit regarding adopting her despite my earlier, steadfast conviction. i felt a bit on auto pilot and had trouble focusing on what the admin person was telling me. i'm supposed to be going down in numbers, not up. i do know from all my years of rescue that an albino bunny is not a popular choice and once she grows into the large bunny i'm sure she will be, she will be even less popular. bunny size is a huge issue for people, in addition to the fur color. for the inexperienced, they see a small bunny, completely unaware of her very young age and that she has not finished growing by a long shot. for one so young to land in a kill shelter means that whoever had her already tired of the care. bunnies are not for the faint of heart. they require a great deal of daily care. they get ailments specific to the species and medications are also very specific. their systems are extremely sensitive and one must always be aware of the microbial environment in their guts. upset to this could mean death. i of course did not believe the part about her being a stray. she was so very docile, in great shape, a little dirty on the underside of her paws, and i discovered a few fleas on her. she had some matting near her tail. i know if i left her there, there was no guarantee she would land in a good home. she's very young and still very small. as i stated earlier, i predict she will be a very large bunny once full grown.

that afternoon i returned to pick her up and i ended up talking the shelter director as she is also the vet there and this little bunny needed to be treated for fleas before i could take her home. we ended up talking about all the pitties she has under her care and about madelynne. i have come to believe, as the shelter director does, that madelynne was not tormented by her aggression. it's part of the breed. the female to female aggression in particular. she said even the sweet and "docile" ones are highly prone to trying to attack other dogs in the shelter. after each attack, madelynne would sit calmly in her crate with a look of, What is the problem exactly. no panting, no anxiety, and no interest in further confrontation. completely calm and composed. the shelter director told me many people have had similar experiences. some tolerated no aggression and others were like me, pet owners who tried everything and had the dog for many years. regardless, the decision to end the aggression is a torment beyond words and people struggle with this. she told me that they try very hard to educate people on the breed. the hope is one day to have a comprehensive rehabilitation program. only people who are pit savvy, or fully educate themselves on the breed, should ever have such a dog. and regardless of how well behaved and trained the dog is, one can never, ever let one's guard down. for oneself, others, and other animals.

there was a story in the news recently of a woman who adopted this really sweet pitbull from her local shelter. they were lounging together on the couch and out of nowhere, the pit reared her head and bit the woman. on another occasion, her 12yr old daughter was home alone with the pitbull. she called her mom with the news that this dog had bitten her. she knows i'm not a casual pet owner and that i've done advanced rehabilitation. she knows of others who also spent a great deal of time and resources to rehabilitate their pitbulls. the question is whether rehabilitation really ever puts the kill aggression to rest. my gut tells me no. in as much as i have championed for the breed and quite literally had madelynne in a kind of witness protection program of my own, this breed is just too dangerous for pet ownership. a very sad and sobering admission.

i felt the overpowering fear after tess' was attacked. i was overcome with anxiety relaying my experience. my mouth was dry, my throat closed up. it's pavlovian. i told the shelter director about this, and she understood.

and off i went with a new family member! i named her yogi. the shelter director gave her some capstar and i stopped at a vet clinic for advantage, which i applied right away. she was snuggled in a carrier and patiently waited while i ran an errand. once home, i did my usual routine, set up her new home, and brought her inside. the weekend is drawing to a close and she has adjusted beautifully! i visit her often and she comes right up for snuggles and pets. she is very tame. hardly a stray! i suspect whoever turned her in was actually her owner. i did shave off the matted fur and she was busy right away grooming herself. she loves all the romping room she has and all the fun food and treats. she wasn't sure about the vacuum cleaner. none of my other animals mind it, as they are so used to it. she will be, too, very soon.

so, perhaps this trip was God's way of reinforcing that my decision was the right one regarding madelynne, and that all is right with madelynne now. He then sent a new angel home with me.

the pictures are from when yogi was at the shelter.

a few more of yogi's shelter pics.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and - - CONGRATULATIONS on your new family member, Yogi. She is adorable, and she is so bless to have you for her Forever Mom. May you and Yogi have a long, happy, healthy earthly journey together.

I'm glad the shelter director was able to offer you comfort and affirmation in your experience with Madelynne. If you have seen the movie "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" - - it was only through physically killing Mr. Hyde that Dr. Jekyll's personna that was focused on caring for his fellow man was able to return and be recognized. Whatever the circumstances of Madelynne's uncontrollable aggressive behavior, the good news is that her sweet Living Spirit is no longer having to deal with the uncontrollable aggression.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Monique.

Glad to hear things are looking up. Congratulations on your new addition. I hope you have a long and happy life together.

Will talk again later.

Lynette.

another crisis!

little yogi was doing SO well, happily running around, eating and napping. each time i would go visit her, she would run to greet me.

this morning i forgot to latch to door to the condo where bentley and parsley live. this door opens up to the enclosure where yogi is now. it's kind of like the front yard of the multi-level complex. this door even when not latched is pinned by a sliding bi-level add-on that i have to move aside to get inside the main, 3-level bunny apartment complex. i came inside from letting out the dogs for the last time before getting ready for work and noticed all kinds of debris strewn around in yogi's living area. that was not like her to make such a huge mess. i hurried over there. there was bentley sprawled out in her area, looking smug in that she had reclaimed an area that was hers before last friday. and little yogi sitting in a corner with her nose buried, shivering. bentley had managed to squeeze her large self through the small crack that the door would allow given how the slide-on section had it pinned. then she attacked yogi! she is so much bigger than yogi!! i quickly put bentley back in her area and secured the door. assessed damages- mostly just a mess that was easy to clean up. the horrible thing was that little yogi had bite marks on her one ear and a nasty scrape on the side of one of her back paws. i held her for a long time, dressed her wounds. she was panting so heavily and i was barely breathing. i thought we were both going to pass out! she settled down eventually and ate a grape, and then some greens i offered her later on. i went back many times before leaving the house and she would not come to me. i held her many times and she snuggled closely. oh my goodness, she was SO traumatized by this attack and i, of course, beside myself upset for all the angst and injury that i was responsible for by not checking the door! OMG, i hope and pray she will pull through this emotionally and not turn into a scared, skittish bunny! she buried herself deeply into my heart in no time and i can't stand that such a young little soul filled with sunshine now has this horrible encounter as part of her life's memory bank!

i wish i could turn back the hands of time! this registers so deeply as it brings back the madelynne attacks. gosh, i will never be the same having lived through the madelynne chapter!! i even feel anger- no one should have to endure such aggression!

my plan to eventually integrate yogi with bentley and parsley disintegrated. it took over a year for bentley to accept parsley and then only after they had been sitting next to one another with only wire mesh separating them for the better part of that year. i will just have to get yogi another little playmate when the time is right, or let parsley stay with yogi and leave bentley as the neighbor. as it is, bentley and parsley are not closely bonded. i often find them on opposite ends of the bunny complex and bentley is definitely still lord and master over sweet parsley...

*sigh*

the pics show the bentley, parsley and yogi bunny complex. the first pic shows the add-on slightly moved and the second shows the "front yard" portion, which is a dog pen attached to the bunny apartment complex.

here is the full complex, showing "front yard"...

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. Please know you did not leave the door unlatched to Parsley's and Bentley's unit on purpose. Accidents happen - - this is in NO WAY the same as what happened with Madelynne. The good news is that your precious Yogi was not seriously injured in the fracas. With your loving comfort and reassurrance little Yogi will regain her confidence. Perhaps Bentley needs some reassurance, too, that she is still an important member of the family - - that Yogi is not there to take her place or to compete for your attention or affection.

It never ceases to amaze me how - - just when we think we have "everything under control" - - that peace and tranquility reign in our homes there is always "something" that happens to remind us that we are fallible - - we make mistakes, and there are "forces" that lurk in the background just waiting to turn our tranquility upside down. As you see your precious Yogi settle back down and your nerves settle down as well, peace and tranquility will once again be restored. And just as a suggestion - - which is what I need to do to remind myself of things around the house - - you may want to make a little "reminder sign" on the doors to make sure latches are secured.

You have developed a WONDERFUL living arrangement for your bunnies, and I know - - eventually - - your precious Bentley, Parsley, and Yogi will find a mutual compatibility under your loving guidance.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

thank you moon_beam, for you kind and comforting words. all points well taken. i know i would not have intentionally left the door open. it was all just a glaring reminder of how careful i always tried to be regarding madelynne and how after an attack, i found myself at yet another crossroads where i had to made additional provisions or corrections or awareness, and, and, and,... i honestly don't know how i did it all in retrospect and i certainly never want to live such horrors again. bentley has always been a very insistent and strong willed bunny. and part of the rabbit rule book which she follows to the letter, is the chapter on territoriality. integrating bunnies into an existing territory takes time and patience and i had no intention of every just putting them together to "work things out." bunnies can inflict serious, even life threatening injuries on one another and other animals, too, when provoked and in fight for their lives. when my jamy passed to God's care, it took months for Sebastian and Fern to coexist, as i talked about in a previous post. even now, over 4 months later, she is skittish about certain things vis-a-vis having sebastian for her bff. i did find them snuggling together recently for a few moments, so there is hope. i will not put yogi through this with bentley. bentley is so much more aggressive than all my bunnies put together. and she's the biggest.

i left work early as paranoia got the best of me, and i was sure i had latched the door and that bentley had somehow gotten it open by yanking on it. i raced home trying to still my growing panic. the mind is so powerful and can convince one of anything, to include convincing that untruths are reality!

all was well when i got home, thank goodness. little yogi was still a bit off kilter and ill at ease, but she came up to me eventually and even jumped on my lap. i added an additional clip to the door that separates her from bentley and will include a reminder in my daily routine- a sticky note is a great idea.

i have, in the meantime, notified the shelter director, karen, to contact me if another bunny comes in. i'm not certain another bunny is the best course of action, or if putting parsley with her is the answer. thankfully, i don't have to make a decision today. yogi has a spay appointment on 6 oct. i certainly want her completely healed from that before considering housing arrangements to optimize snuggle partner situations. bunnies do best with their own kind around. certainly yogi is not by herself, per se, but i want her to have her own bff soon.

now that things are heading to calmer waters, i'm going to finish my work day.

and, yes, additional attention for parsley and bentley is in progress.

hi lynette,

thank you so much for stopping in. as you can read, i've had yet another crisis, thankfully short lived. hope all is well for you and yours.

Hi Monique.

My gosh, you have such a tremendous amount of pressure that you put yourself in for the welfare of your animals. Just checking doors and latches every day, countless times a day. Wow, you are such a strong person. I know we do anything in the name of love. But when you leave the house everyday, you must just be wondering if you've locked up everything just right! How many times, you must turn around after leaving the house, cos you doubt that you've locked something up properly. I know I've done that a few times, but my day is waaaaaaaaaaaay easier than yours! My biggest issue is whether I've turned the stove off!!!

Yogi will pull through this just fine. Bentley is just letting her know who is boss in your neck of the woods. All animals do it don't they?

Well, Smokie still has not come home. The other tomcats must've chased him off. I just hope he has found himself a new home somewhere where he can be a house cat. Of course, I'd like him to come home, but if he's found someone willing to let him be in the house, then that's better for him. We can't have cats in the house (my husband is allergic to them). I would just like to know where he is. Animals are strange that way. He could've stayed, he could've just let the others take over. He could have retired. But I guess that's mother nature.

My puppa-doodles are doing just fine. The days are getting much shorter now, so won't be able to take them on walks for much longer during the week. That'll suck. Going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I guess I could walk them in the evening, but not really into walking in the pitch dark out here. Too scary.

Anyway, time to go home. I hope you have a good evening.

Lynette.

hi lynette,

i'm very sorry smokey still has not come home. i know how much you worry about him and i wish there was news to put you at ease about his welfare.

i put myself under a lot of pressure to get everything right not just about my animals but about many things in my life. despite what happened today, security issues have eases tremendously since i no longer have to worry about madelynne. i lost count of the number of times i turned around on my way to work to check the extra security clips i had on her crate.

i have visited yogi numerous times since coming home early to check on her. her ears are back in a good position- bunnies communicate in so many ways, and ear position is one of them. for ex., if the ears point in opposite directions, that means the bunny is disturbed or upset about something. her ears are in a normal "V" position, and she's happily hopping about, eating and drinking again. she got in my lap again and put her front feet on my chest, and sniffed my face. so sweet.

i dread the shorter days. i feel entombed in the winter months. i always wake up in the dark regardless of season. driving home in the dark is most depressing and feelings of being isolated and alone are exaggerated.

little yogi is greeting me again and happy!

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious companions are doing. I am soooooo thrilled to share your news that your precious Yogi has recovered from Bentley's not so gracious "introduction". It is WONDERFUL that she is back to coming to you and snuggling with you. I know how much this means to you, and I know it takes a huge concern off your mind.

When I prepared the study on physical similarities between humans and rabbits for the at risk youth, I learned a great deal about them and realized how fragile their physical bodies are. I have always liked rabbits - - but - - like birds - - did not feel comfortable with their care because they are delicate to take care of. So I do have a good idea how diligent you need to be in taking care of your precious bunny companions, and I know how grateful they are to you for everything you do for them.

I'm keeping your precious Yogi in my thoughts and prayers that her surgery on 10/6 will go smoothly, and that her recovery will be an easy one. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

i come to this site multiple times a day. mostly i don't stay long and have not written for a bit. it is a security blanket. this past weekend, the site access had an error and i managed to find an email to contact the site administrator. it was LS Support, as i confirmed, and he responded right away. just his response was comforting through the many e-layers of endless cyber darkness, he was there. as you are, moon_beam. always. what will i do if either of you leave? i cannot manage this thought in any respect.

i have been so very, very upset and unsettled the last days, i have lost count as to when this started to escalate. it has little to do with madelynne specifically and then everything to do with the madelynne chapter. i am just not right. going to therapy and taking meds are out. i know what is going on, and there is no counselor out there qualified to delve into the depths of my despair on so many levels.

the storms in s.c. made it into n.c., and i immediately thought of my dear SIL, tricia, married to my brother, robin. he is a very accomplished neurosurgeon in raleigh. even when the rest of the contact with relatives disintegrated, i always still spoke with tricia, and very occasionally robin. that has stopped as well. the toxicity from my mother and middle sister, estelle, have sent both me and tricia into exile. hers is a living hell in a different respect in that my brother is still in touch with the family, and as such then, so is tricia. she has suffered for the last 20 years as i have my whole life.

i sent her a quick email text to her phone to check on them and her answers were short. she did not want my brother to know we are in touch, even though very remotely. today she called me...

my brother has never taken his own health seriously. for the last few years he has has many skins issues, borderline skin cancer and tricia managed to get the growths removed and applied this cream which is a type of chemotherapy. he has suffered from constipation, which is a crucial symptom due to the rest of his health profile. he had a colonoscopy 5 years ago. it was negative. he was to go back every year, and has not. he has suffered from extreme fatigue as well. upon tricia's urging, he had bloodwork done. extremely low white blood cell count. and then all the sudden, unexplained bruising. he has been urged to see a hematologist right away. supposedly he is making an apptmt.

my reaching out was like LS Support reaching through the cyber darkness. they had been on my mind a lot lately regardless of storms.

and now all this horrible news. the internet searches by both tricia and me have nothing good to say. it's not anemia- this has been ruled out. i'm worried sick.

things like, only the good die young...

of all the people in my family, why this brilliant, caring, kind man?

this is all on top of recent, overwhelming feelings of doom for myself. i'm having such trouble functioning. i feel invisible. i go to work and sit there, barely interacting. it's devastating and feeding into my feelings of self worth. i can't focus.

i took yogi to be spayed today. they used a light injection- something i am terrified of, as it claimed my cindi lou many years ago from her spay. i can't lose yogi!

and l'il peep is close to me, consoling me as i cry writing this... she is the only peep who does this... this little one was sent to me from God to be sure. she is always, always by my side and jumps on my lap to hug me when i need it most. all of 6 1/2 pounds, priceless in every respect.

yogi is doing extremely well, all things considered. bunnies are so very sensitive and a spay is very traumatic for her body. she did eat a little and i found output this morning.

but my sweet little sprite is not back emotionally. i'm hoping to see her back to her happy self soon where she comes up to me and jumps on my lap.

reeling from the news of my brother. the not knowing is debilitating and to then not be able to just pick up the phone and comfort each other Is.Just.Wrong.

thought provoking reading for loss in general, esp. the following excerpt:

"There is a moment I remember so clearly, it flooded my senses like a cold shower.

"Good Lord," I realized, "my son is going to die."

"Within a matter of days, he will stop breathing, and I won't. It doesn't matter what I want, or prefer, or desire. It doesn't matter what I have prayed for, fought for, researched and scoured the world for. There is another Will in operation here besides my own."

"Dear God, really? Is this your will for my 24-year-old son? That he die from this devastating and aggressive pediatric sarcoma, as the tumors fill his lungs and cause him to gasp for air?"

And with that, I fell to the floor, doubled over with intense stomach pain, as though I'd just been punched. As I lay there, I willed myself to face this truth, this inevitability. I felt myself, if you can imagine, sort of unhooking my solar plexus, seat of my life force, from his, as though we had been tied by an invisible umbilical cord throughout his illness.

I released the thread of his life that I had been clutching these last months. And I let it go. Because I had to.

A few hours after he took his last, labored breath, as we were still sitting quietly watching his pale, noble-looking countenance, the light began to fill the room. It was midnight, in NYC. The light was fierce. It was light you had to feel, rather than see. It filled the space over his head. Even after his body left us, even after burial, the light remained.

By then, I felt a sense of speed, as though he were zooming around, joyful to move literally with the speed of light, joyful to be released from a failing body, even joyful to discover that there is, it would seem, more to life than this mortal flesh, that something beautiful remains that is Eternal.

I have learned many lessons from this death.

One of them is that having a strong spiritual practice, preferably rooted in a strong community of practice, can save your own life when someone you love is losing theirs.

Another is that humans are terrible predictors. We cannot predict what the future will be like, although we think we can. One of the things that gets in the way for many of us when we think about death, is our predictions. What it's going to be like, how we're going to feel, mostly how very hard it's going to be.

I could not have predicted how strong his presence would be still, and how vibrant.

My friends, love really is stronger than death. I did not know this until five months ago."


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-arthur..._b_8252184.html

We Each Have Two Lives. The Second Begins When We Realize We Have Only One

Posted: 10/06/2015 6:10 pm EDT Updated: 10/06/2015 6:59 pm EDT




"We each have two lives.

The second begins

When we realize we have only one."

Rabbi Margot Stein's son Aryeh died six months ago, and she unfolded her grief on Yom Kippur by facing the prayer "Unataneh tokef - Who shall live, who shall die?" She is a writer and singer of Jewish music, including the songs for an eco-Jewish musical drama, "Guarding the Garden." She is developing new approaches to Jewish education for developmentally disabled children. Rabbi Stein is a member of the Board of The Shalom Center. -- AW

There is a moment I remember so clearly, it flooded my senses like a cold shower.

"Good Lord," I realized, "my son is going to die."

"Within a matter of days, he will stop breathing, and I won't. It doesn't matter what I want, or prefer, or desire. It doesn't matter what I have prayed for, fought for, researched and scoured the world for. There is another Will in operation here besides my own."

"Dear God, really? Is this your will for my 24-year-old son? That he die from this devastating and aggressive pediatric sarcoma, as the tumors fill his lungs and cause him to gasp for air?"

And with that, I fell to the floor, doubled over with intense stomach pain, as though I'd just been punched. As I lay there, I willed myself to face this truth, this inevitability. I felt myself, if you can imagine, sort of unhooking my solar plexus, seat of my life force, from his, as though we had been tied by an invisible umbilical cord throughout his illness.

I released the thread of his life that I had been clutching these last months. And I let it go. Because I had to.

A few hours after he took his last, labored breath, as we were still sitting quietly watching his pale, noble-looking countenance, the light began to fill the room. It was midnight, in NYC. The light was fierce. It was light you had to feel, rather than see. It filled the space over his head. Even after his body left us, even after burial, the light remained.

By then, I felt a sense of speed, as though he were zooming around, joyful to move literally with the speed of light, joyful to be released from a failing body, even joyful to discover that there is, it would seem, more to life than this mortal flesh, that something beautiful remains that is Eternal.

I have learned many lessons from this death.

One of them is that having a strong spiritual practice, preferably rooted in a strong community of practice, can save your own life when someone you love is losing theirs.

Another is that humans are terrible predictors. We cannot predict what the future will be like, although we think we can. One of the things that gets in the way for many of us when we think about death, is our predictions. What it's going to be like, how we're going to feel, mostly how very hard it's going to be.

I could not have predicted how strong his presence would be still, and how vibrant.

My friends, love really is stronger than death. I did not know this until five months ago.

On Rosh Hashanah it is written, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed, "Who shall live and who shall die?"

When Aryeh realized he was definitely going to die, he did several things. He asked me to move him from his dark and tiny shared apartment on the Upper West Side to a space filled with light and windows. My brother helped me locate such a space and three days later, Aryeh moved into it.

My sister, a psychiatric nurse practitioner in Boston, and single mother, left her daughter with a series of cousins and friends and moved in with us. Myriam juggled New York and Philadelphia, trying to be in both places with sensitivity and presence, as I settled into caring for Aryeh around the clock.

A few days later, Aryeh spent an evening doing a life review with Mordechai Liebling and Talia Malka, who sat and talked with him late into the night.

At that point, we still thought he was going to die from pneumonia. But then the antibiotics fought that back, and one day he woke up feeling well enough to go out and buy an iPhone 6.

Hooked up to oxygen tanks and in a wheelchair, he bought that phone and sat on a park bench with his beloved Katy and kissed her in the cold spring sunshine.

A few days after that, he was able to get into a jacket and tie and, despite the wheelchair, oxygen tank, and medical support lurking in the background, took Katy to a spectacular 14- course tasting meal at a unique chef-driven restaurant called Eleven Madison Park that was at the top of his bucket list, and which the chef and entire staff made even more memorable by treating him like visiting royalty, complete with a private kitchen tour and an armful of treats and gifts. Oh, and they wouldn't take a dime from us, the entire extravaganza was on the house.

Aryeh returned to the apartment pretty exhausted by that outing, but he said it was worth it. A few days after that, sitting in his cushioned medical recliner and by now struggling to speak, he took time with each of his siblings to bless them and tell each what made them special.

Another day, with our help and an 11 p.m. visit by our lawyer, he wrote a will, leaving his possessions to his siblings and a few dear ones and setting the intention to establish a fund to support students with disabilities at Princeton, a project that many of you have generously helped transform into a reality.

All that, all those meaningful end-of-life activities took place in about three weeks. He lived them with a gusto and intentionality that many of us do not get around to in three decades or more.

This past weekend, we had house guests, including a friend in her late seventies who lost a son about 20 years ago. She told me that when people ask her how long it has been since Billy died, she says, "I blink and that's how long it's been." Just the blink of an eye. Or 20 years.

People who lose loved ones feel them at unexpected times. When I get that feeling of his presence, it washes over me. Though I still feel him reveling in racing around the cosmos, I also know and trust that he is completely OK, whole, and healed, his only concern, for us here in a fractured world.

I'm relieved that his spirit seems to be peaceful, if a bit high-energy. And I have to laugh at the idea that, while in the body, only his mind was lightning fast. Now that he is in the realm of pure thought, there's nothing blocking the flow of that energy.

But down here, where there are plenty of blockages, there are also waves of grief, and they are mine. Mine and all of ours who have lost those we love. I imagine my sorrow for what I've lost will continue to wash over me for the rest of my life.

Struggling with Teshuva

Unetaneh tokef asks, "Who shall live and who shall die?" Who shall really and truly LIVE, and who shall die a thousand deaths before the final one? Who shall live, paralyzed by fear? And who shall die in a healing circle of deep love?

Our tradition offers us a way through, a way to "avert" or at least to soften, life's severity. It teaches us that "teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah" (turning our loves in a new direction, pouring out our hearts to the Holy One, and giving financial support to those who have been badly wounded by the world or who are working to heal the world) will help us in this life.

I know now that I cannot predict the future, much less control its outcome. If I ever thought teshuvah, tefillah and tzedakah would literally help me avert the severe decree, I've certainly given up that delusion.

Like many of you, I've given plenty of tzedakah, served on boards and donated funds and giving my strongest years to the nonprofit community. I've prayed and led prayer and taught prayer so I guess I've got tefillah covered. That must mean it's a matter of not enough teshuvah: did I not turn far enough toward God during this crisis?

I am trying to understand teshuvah in a new way these days. What am I turning away from? What am I turning toward? Do I need to turn away from resentment at the unfairness of life? Can't I be even a teeny bit resentful that I do all these good deeds, behave in all the right ways, and God (whatever and whoever that is) didn't see fit to save my son's life?

Can't I respond by being resigned, that it doesn't matter what we do, because bad things really do happen to good people?

Can I erase the pain by getting on the bandwagon, and fighting for clean water, clean air, and to heal the food supply so that we all eat only clean, life-giving nourishment?

Shall I research genetics, or raise money to fund that research, until I can personally eliminate the mutations which cause cancer?

Teshuva is tough. It means we've been going along in one direction and now we need to go in a different one. What is the turning that I need to do, truly? And I hope you're sitting there wondering what is the precise turning that YOU need to do. Maybe teshuva is not about living the most upright, perfect life possible. Maybe teshuvah is not about being as godly as possible in all your ways.

I read a book over the summer because I was drawn to its title: Flunking Sainthood. The book turned out to be a year-long exploration of different spiritual practices, in which author Jana Riess tries on each practice and reads the relevant writers and thinkers as she tries to understand and deepen into the practice.

And she flunks month after month.

She tries to keep an Orthodox shabbat, though she is not Jewish, and her family is totally baffled by the idea of dropping everything at sunset.

She tries to fast, Ramadan-style, through the shorter days of February, and is ravenously obsessed with food rather than with her inner spiritual life.

She tries hachnasat orchim, welcoming strangers, and can't wait to get rid of them, and in fact takes off for a conference, leaving her husband to deal with them.

She attempts to pray devotional prayers at the set times throughout the day and finds it too difficult to compromise work, family and leisure activities so she compromises the prayer instead.

At the end of a year, she looks back at her string of failures and declares them to be a kind of victory after all. Why?

In the epilogue, she tells us that after she turned in the book, she received a phone call from a hospital in Alabama where her father lay dying. Her father had abandoned her family when she was 14, emptying their bank accounts and betraying their trust.

She and her brother went to his bedside, and she was able to forgive him all over again, even as she realized that her spiritual practices of the last 12 months, however imperfectly performed, had "forged her into the kind of person who could go to the bedside of someone who had harmed her and still be able to say, 'I forgive you, Dad. Go in peace.'"

"The power of spiritual practice is that it forges you stealthily, as you entertain angels unaware."

She came to understand the infinitude of God, the temptation of turning one's work into an Idol, the delusion of trying to learn a deep spiritual practice in just 30 days, much less doing them on a DIY basis when they are meant to be done in community because, as she writes, "It takes a shtetl to raise a mensch."

I love her sense of humor and the way she turns her failures into fodder. I love that she understands that spiritual practice takes time, that it deepens and ripens, and then when the crisis hits, we are more prepared for it than we thought, because we have the practices to support us.

Myriam and I had a yoga teacher named Alex whose father committed suicide some years ago, and who asked us to officiate as she laid him to rest. With tears in her eyes, she said, "All my life, I've been practicing yoga for just this moment."

Teshuvah, tefillah and tzedakah are among the practices that support our change, our growth, and our ability to choose life even in the midst of the crisis that will surely come. At their best, they can help us realign with our highest purpose, and help us walk the walk.

My own teshuvah process has come to include learning to move away from the punitive, or self-punishing, model of self-improvement toward one that includes and embraces as much of the full spectrum of joy, delight, love and good experiences that I can bring myself to withstand (which isn't always that much).

My relationship with God requires me to experience all of life, not just its sorrow but also its joys. I've been so overwhelmed with the sorrows, of course, that I haven't partaken of as much of its joys.

But Judaism teaches us that we have an obligation to the Holy One to experience all the joys that come our way, rather than refusing them. How many joyful opportunities have I missed because I just didn't see them, so focused was I on being responsible and responsive to the crises?

You can respond to crisis but lose your responsiveness to life. You can become so committed to your anxieties and fears that you completely lose sight of the humor in being human. This hardly does honor to the Holy One, to the precious gift of life that we have received.

We have a choice, and the moment of choice is always now. It takes courage to choose life. It takes courage to let in the pain as well as the joy. It takes determination to stay awake and pay attention to your life so that you don't miss the opportunities for joy that come your way.

Cultivating practice is how we stay awake to our lives. Teshuvah is having the humility to return to our practice. It is that moment during meditation when we realize we have been galloping along with our thoughts, rather than gently letting them go. When we turn our attention back to our breath or mantra or prayer or movement.

Turning and returning to this moment is the constant work of mindfulness, and the secret to a life more available to meaning, connection and fulfillment.

There are two significant prayer moments yet coming toward us this Yom Kippur morning.

One is Unetaneh tokef, a time when we recognize that we are choosing how we shall live.

The other is Aleynu, the grand aleynu with full prostration. I invite you to experiment with full prostration at that time, to experience unhooking your will from whatever it is that you are clutching too tightly, and prostrate yourself before the Ultimate one, whose timing and design for our lives remains a mystery, and before whom we surrender our willfulness to this Truth: Whatever will be, will be.

So this, then, is the accounting:

Who shall live? Whoever seizes the gift of life and calls it precious, whether they have half a century or half a month left to live.

Who shall live? One who lives out loud and at full tilt, not perfectly but with endless compassion for themselves and for all other beings.

Who shall live? The person who faces down their fears and anxieties, and says Yes to life anyway. Who shall live? One who knows that experiencing sorrow and loss won't kill you. And since it won't kill you, strive to keep truly living as long as you are alive.

I think I saw this on FaceBook, that source of great spiritual wisdom:

"We each have two lives. The second one begins, when we realize we have only one."

Let this be that moment.

Let now be when you wake up to this one precious life.

Let this be when you choose to live like you mean it."

-- Rabbi Margot Stein

Dear Monique.

So sorry you're feeling the way you are. There is so much going on in your life, no wonder things are hard. I wish I was there to help and comfort you.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice. I don't think I'm much qualified to give any considering I haven't talked to my brother in over three years. At first I was so angry and upset with the situation, but as time has gone by, I've learned to let it go. I've spent far too many years being angry (mostly at his wife), that it left me so drained and so angry at the rest of the world. I had to let it go. So, not talking to my brother, is not something I'm going to dwell on. He was told when all this stuff happened that he was still welcome in my life (just not her). And he made the choice to stay out of it. He lives next door to me and each time we see each other, he looks the other way. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I kinda feel sorry for him. I think he has nothing. There are only the five of us in my family, we moved here from England 31 years ago. So we have no relatives here, only those that we've married into. And I know he and his wife don't get along with her father and step mother anymore. Her mother and her sisters are in BC, far away from here. I think he has a lonely life. He doesn't really get along with my parents anymore either - because of her. Talk about being stubborn!!

I, like you, come here often, just to see what's going on I guess. Sometimes, it's just way too painful to write anything. Smokie still hasn't come home. I miss him. I hope he's found himself a new home.

Sometimes, life just seems too hard. Just too much work. And people are not the same anymore. So many people are just plain selfish and ignorant. I answered a call at work late yesterday afternoon and the guy on the other end was so unbelievably rude. He hung up on me, not before he swore at me though. There was no reason for him to be so rude, something was definitely weird there, even suspicious.

The weather is gloomy here again today. I hate this weather. It is so dreary and depressing.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, thinking how boring it is. We never do anything, never go anywhere. I hate leaving my dogs on the weekends because I'm gone all week. But, we never do ANYTHING. I love being around home, but I'm finding myself wishing we would do something. I can't remember the last time we even went to a movie. Not that there is really anything to do around here. I need a holiday. I should book some time off work, god knows I have a ton of days to use. But I hate wasting them.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I hope today goes better for you. I wish I could be there - we could go out for lunch.

Take care Monique.

Lynette.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us that your precious Yogi is doing well in her spay recovery. Please know she is in my thoughts and prayers that her recovery will be steady without any complications. Please let us know how she's doing.

Like our forum friend Lynette, sometimes words are inadquate in trying to offer comfort and support when we know someone is going through difficult trials. I'm sorry your brother is facing a potentially serious illness. This newest crisis just adds to the burdens you have been going through. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that whatever happens you will be able to find comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you deal with the many challenges in your life - - knowing that we are here for you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Monique, just stopping by to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly. I hope you will have an extended weekend with Monday being an official holiday and if so, that you and your precious companions will be able to enjoy this extra time together.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

hi moon_beam,

thank you so much for dropping in. i appreciate your care and concern.

i was going to work the holiday and decided today that was not a good idea for me emotionally. i spend enough time by myself, to then be at work (even teleworking), while the rest of the workforce is off, is not good. the company i work for has decided to only grant 5 federal holidays, with two floating, so that means the employee is on the short end of the stick. so be it, i'll take vacation.

i'm continuing to struggle, particularly as anticipatory grief looms heavily.

hi lynette,

thank you so much for writing. i have read your letter several times. it gives me great comfort. it would be great to be within driving distance so we can share a cup of coffee. i'm so sorry smokey has not come home. how painful, the not knowing. i, too, hope he has found a good home somewhere...

i dread the shorter days. the weather here has been a mix of rain and sun. dropping temps, too, and leaves changing color and dropping, telling me the dreaded time of year when nature goes to sleep, the days get short, and the temps get cold. there is not much snow and ice here in alabama. the area is not prepared whatsoever, so when it does snow or there is ice, the area pretty much shuts down. i find this way of living very debilitating and isolating.

i am very sorry about your family issues. i'm relieved to read that you have accepted things with your brother. the pity you feel is a type of forgiveness and this helps you heal from this dysfunction.

my family moved to the u.s. in 1969 and we have no immediate family around either. as a child, i convinced myself that all was well, as that was what my parents preached. as i entered adulthood and a multitude of dysfunctions, i realized that being so far away from extended family is not a healthy way to grow up. since 2010, i severed ties with most of my immediate family. i was still in touch with my oldest brother somewhat- the one with the health issues, and his wife, my SIL. my father made the same kind of choice your brother did. he told me that if i could not be in touch/repair the relationship with my mother, then he could not be in touch with me either. i hung up the phone and that was the last time i spoke with my father. that was about 4 years ago... over the last 4 years the contact with my oldest brother and SIL has waned to nearly nothing. my brother's wife, my SIL, and i are the dearest of friends. thanks to the highly hypocritical and toxic behaviors of both my mother and my middle sister, we rarely talk. i feel a great deal of pity for my family, including my daughter. in this mode, i recognize that i can only work on myself. i'm powerless to change how they feel, or do, or act, or react. this is empowering. i still feel sadness in how grossly things have deteriorated in our adulthood, and for that i'm so very sorry. major lifelines have been severed for me as a result. even though i have made much headway in accepting the separation from my family, there is a part of me that continues to struggle with how odd and wrong this all feels.

my reaching out to tricia (SIL) when i did had profound timing. i have not heard anything further regarding the diagnosis/prognosis of my brother. it has haunted me to no end. he is one of the good ones. a few short comings, but then, don't we all? i would love to just pick up the phone and call. that would only start another war. how abnormal this all is...

i did meet with a friend a few days ago and we talked at length about the perfect storm and all that has happened since. this friend is very dear to me, however, he is mostly not available for a long list of his own reasons, so we grab a bit here and there. it was very therapeutic for the moment and now i am slipping back into dysfunction, ill at ease, panic and worry. i am trying to put some things we discussed into practice. a cognitive therapy of sorts. when i find myself slipping or getting irritated, stop, identify, break the cycle, redirect. it's a very conscious activity. doesn't always work. practice makes perfect, i suppose. one other outcome with meeting with my friend, was to not add everything that has happened since the perfect storm, on the perfect storm. i have paid dear emotional dividends for all that has happened. above and beyond. as arnie said, it's time to stop paying and redirect.

and so i'm trying to close the madelynne chapter and bundle other issues into a new folder. everything does appear to be interwoven. given that i spend time on madelynne while heaping on tons of other things triggered as a result of her chapter in my life, i agree that bundling separately from that chapter is wise. thoughts of madelynne still fall into two categories: how fabulously well behaved and endearing she was, and the programmed killer that she was as well. the extremes.

i am trying very hard to redirect my focus on my wish to be more involved with my own kind and simply accepting being my myself, accepting myself, and finding the blessings in all my chaos and pain. as i just wrote moon_beam, i am overcome with anticipatory grief, as many are in the very senior years of their lives, or have serious health issues. i tell myself every day that i am not responsible for health issues related to age or genetics. this is very hard to accept, as i always feel like i want and need to be doing something about it, something to fix it all.

i understand how you feel about being in a rut and wanting to get out and finding a way out of this. my life is very regulated by virtue of a very efficient animal care routine i set up to ensure everyone is cared for and that i have time built in to give love and attention. that leaves very little time for anything else. i am bone weary all the time. and this is not physical fatigue...

work... that is whole other chapter. i'm sorry about the rudeness you encountered. in as much as this had nothing to do with you, to be in the receiving end is Just.Plainly.Wrong. i deal with a great deal of incompetency as well as isolation at my job. everything negative is currently exaggerated. i'm working on my attitude: get from feeling like i'm in a prison back to my job being a means to an end.

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to your constant state of being in Anticipatory Grief. I experienced that with my beloved Oslo's multiple medical needs and his sudden stroke which was the catalyst to easing his transition journey home to the angels, - - knowing that my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle would soon be joining him due to her end stage Fibrosarcoma. Years before I had traveled a similar journey when my beloved Holly joined the angels in January 1997 and my beloved Samson joined her in eternal joy in March 1998. I do so know the emotional stress this constant sorrow brings to the heart, mind, body, and spirit - - yet opening ourselves to the sorrow also gives us the blessing of receiving our companion's eternal love - - and for that I personally would not want it any other way.

I read your response to Lynette, and am smiling at your attempts to change your focus about your job to "get from feeling like i'm in a prison back to my job being a means to an end." I'm smiling because I can so relate to this challenge, and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you will be more successful at this than I was. I do so know what it is like to work in a toxic environment with absolutely no one to relate to and to be deliberately isolated by the office manager letting me and the other staff know that I did not "fit in". I took her to task about this - - and other things - - during my last job evaluation which led to me being "transferred" to another office under the disguise of company "re-organization" - - which - - thankfully - - I was able at that time to "retire" from employment. I saw it coming 2 years ahead of actual implementation and was able to begin the financial planning to exit the employer. The submission of my "retirement" was met with a huge sigh of relief from the management - - and I left the employer with a huge smile on my face. So I do understand how you're feeling, Monique, and please let us know how things go.

I hope all is continuing to go well with your precious Yogi's recovery from spay surgery. I know having her do well, and all of your precious companions, takes a huge concern off your mind. I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

hi moon_beam,

how very nice to receive your note of love and comfort. i know you so well understand my anticipatory grief, as well as the job situation. i just finished the major chores for the weekend and am winding down trying to anticipate what all i want and need to do tomorrow.

i did want to pass on that little yogi is back to normal. ever so friendly, full of life and fun, ready to sample any and all treats! she loves sweets- most rabbits do. i give her little nibble tastes and i can just see her giggling. she loves cherry tomatoes! i love to spend time with her. l'il peep goes with me and sometimes heath. she does little binkies (happy hops), and jumps in my lap. i'm so glad she survived this ordeal. goodness, i was so worried. i have been reading about rabbit surgery and many sites do indeed mention some kind of injectable anesthetic. if i ever have to experience this again, i will be better informed.

thank you again for all your kindness and attentive care. i hope you and your precious noah are doing well.

here is a beautiful video: https://www.youtube.com/embed/SN5c-m45fxs, sent to me by my dear friend, joene who lives in indiana. the music, pictures, and words are so very welcome during this difficult time in my life.

I was scanning through the documents on my desk top and ran across a writing from George Anderson, Walking in the Garden of Souls. What perfect timing to find this. I apparently ran across this somewhere Sept. 15. I can't even remember...

Here is some info from Amazon about this book, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/039914790...d=A3W7UPGV208J4. From the most helpful review, "...in coming to understand death, we come to understand the divine plan and better understand, appreciate, and enjoy life."

Hi, Monique, thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful passage from George Anderson's book. The insight is truly inspiring - - can't think of any other way to describe it.

So glad to share your news that your precious Yogi is doing very well in her recovery. I hope today is treating you and all your precious companions kindly, and that you and your precious fur family will have a peaceful evening blessed with each of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you and your precious fur family are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Monique.

Just stopping by to say hello. Hope all is going well.

Lynette.

hi lynette,

so nice of you to stop in. it's a roller coaster ride. grabbing rays of sunshine when i can. hope all is well your way.


xo

great news: i spoke with tricia today, and all advanced blood results have come back normal so far for my brother! they are awaiting a few more test results (protein levels). so far, so good!

So, So very relieved and grateful!

Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing with us the great news for your brother. Will keep your brother in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how he's doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam