A Great Loss Options

[John]

A few days ago the most precious thing in my life died in my arms. He was a small yorkie about 14 years old. He was the love of my life and I cared for him like I would care for an infant. He wanted for nothing and I saw to his every whim.
He came into my life about 11 years ago. It started one day when my wife related a story about a woman she knew that was on drugs and wanted to sell her dog for drug money. My wife was familiar with the dog and had fallen in love with it and thought that we should buy it from her.
At the time I had two other dogs and wasn't really looking to add another but I relented and purchased the dog from the woman. Well let me tell you that it must have been a god send because he was the most loving little creature I ever came across and we bonded instantly.
He always insisted that I carry him around and take him where ever I went. He loved to ride in the car and when he saw or heard the keys jingle he was right at the door bouncing up and down wanting to go.
Things were always good and he never had any real health problems. About two months ago though he was laying by my side and he had what appeared to be a seizure. I thought that he had stopped breathing and had in fact died. I did CPR and a few minutes later he came around but acted sort of stunned and out of it.
I took him to the vet who found that he was hypoglycemic and had a collapsing trachea. The vet also suggested that I take him to a cardiologist for his heart. Well the cardiologist confirmed that he had a leaking valve and the trachea was collapsing adding to his problems. He put him on some medications and told me to come back in a few months.
The little guy had a difficult time handling the medications and adjusting the dosage didn't seem to help. He continued to worsen and had more seizures. I then took him back to the cardiologist who said that he was suffering and that there wasn't much that could be done other than to euthanize him.
I guess the vet saw that I was visibly shaken and said that there is a couple more meds we could try as a last resort. Well we gave him the meds and he did a 180 degree turn. It was like a miracle. He became his old self again. This went on for about two or three weeks but the seizures continued but he always seemed to recover fine from them until a few days ago.
He was sleeping next to me on the floor when I saw that he was going into another seizure. I immediately picked him up to try and soothe him but all of a sudden he went limp and wasn't breathing. I then checked his heart and it to had stopped. I tried CPR fro what seemed like an eternity but he just would not respond. He died in my arms and I held him for hours not wanting to admit to myself that he was gone.
My wife came home and found me sitting there holding him but she couldn't believe that he was gone and finally she broke down and began sobbing.
After a little while he wrapped him in a sheet of cloth and buried him in our yard right under a figurine of an angel. Since then I have been totally out of it. I am unable to think straight and all I do is keep saying his name and hoping that he will all of a sudden appear. I haven't eaten nor have I slept very much. I am taking a sedative to help keep me from totally losing it. I would do anything to have that dear sweet little sould in my arms again if only for a few more moments. I loved him with all my heart and soul and the thought of his no longer being here makes me tear up and I can feel this overwhelming panic sweeping over me. I just wish I knew that he was all right it would make me fell a whole lot better. I also thank god for giving me a little more quality time with him and for bringing him into my life.
I'm sorry for the long story but I had to get it out.

[anln]

Dear John,
What a heartbreaking story. I am truly sorry for your loss. Your boy sounded like such a sweet friend. What was his name? It is obvious from your story that you did everything possible to care for him and that he had a wonderful life with you. I'm sure there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better but just know that you are not alone. I found my way to this site on May 17th when our beautiful black lab Jordan passed away. Reading the posts really helped me to feel like I wasn't alone in my grief. I feel like it really helps me to talk about him and I hope it helps you, too. Please take care of yourself.
Jordan's Mom

[Steph]

Hey John,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved little friend.

Believe me, I know what you are going through. I've been sedated a lot since my precious border collie was torn out of my life all of a sudden. One day we were playing ball at the park the next day she had collapsed and I rushed her to the vet's . Two days later she died at the vets. She had congestive heart failure. I never got a chance to say goodbye.

This site has been a lifeline, as I often feel that I am losing my mind with overwhelming grief. I find her toys everywhere. And, I too, keep saying her name.

Sleep has been a real problem for me.

I hope you find this site as helpful as I have. The people here are wonderful. We have all had our hearts broken.

Take care of yourself .

[BabyHannahsMom]

Hi John,

We all understand this heartbreak you are going through. It sounds like your little one had a wonderful life and a very best buddy in you. I had my little 16-year old Yorkie-Poo, Hannah, put to sleep on April 19, and I would also give just about anything to hold her and see her JUST ONE MORE TIME! She was very sick with a heart murmur of a 6 on a scale of 1 to 6, had a very bad tooth, and severe arthritis. I still vacillate between thinking I should have tried to do more to save her and thinking I should have done it sooner. I was so afraid she would have a heart attack or stroke and die alone, and I just couldn't bear that.

What a terrible ordeal that you went through, but you were there with your little one and did everything you could possibly do. It's so unbelievable at first. I still am not sure I KNOW for sure she won't be coming back, and I too miss her with all my heart. The first weeks, at least, it's normal to feel as you do -- so confused, dazed, frantic, crazy! I know I did. Keep posting on this site. We all care and we all know that it hurts so very much. It does help to have people who can "relate" and who care. We do. I'm glad you came here. Bless you, and please try to take good care of yourself. Your little boy is fine now, no more pain for him. Read about the Rainbow Bridge. He's there running and playing again, and happy and well. Just wanting you to be happy again one day. He surely knew how very much you loved him. (My Hannah also loved to GO in the car with me, and I took her with me whenever I could.) Take care, John. Again, I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.
Marcia

[Saki & Freyj...]

Dear John,

Reading your post, it is so clear what a wonderful, loving relationship you had with your furbaby. How lucky the two of you have been! I am so sorry for your loss.

One thing that helped me get through the grief of losing mine is making memorials. I made framed collage photos, purchased bricks at a pet hospital, made a memory box, took care of their remains... if you garden, maybe you could add more to the spot under the angel where he is buried....

Please take care of yourself during this hard time. You were an amazing daddy, and your baby is at peace now.

Love,
Jennifer

[karen424]

John,
My heart goes out to you and your family....I lost my precious baby kitty Buster on Friday. I read on this board the story of Little Orange Boy and even though it made me cry, it also helped. You may want to read it too. Your little baby was truly blessed to have you and your wife come into his life. You gave him everything, you made his quality of life so much richer, he was so loved. It always seems that the years go by so quickly, too quickly and when that dreaded day comes it feels like life is so empty. He will always be with you John. Just like our human loved ones who have crossed over, I truly believe the spirits of our furbabies will continue to be with us and know how much we miss and love them. Let the tears flow - it's all part of the healing process (and thank God for Xanax or I wouldn't be able to get out of bed). I've started collecting my favorite pictures of Buster and I'm making a picture collage of him as a memorial. I'm crying the whole time, but I think it's helping me. And the wonderful friends on this board will be a godsend too....we all feel your pain.

God Bless,
Karen

[John]

I want to thank everyone for their kind words of support. I know that the grief is so overwhelming sometimes that you think you can't go on because that is the way I feel. I dread getting up everyday because I don't feel like doing anything and I keep looking for my little buddy. I know that if I could distract myself it might help but I just can't seem to get moving.
It's been five days now and the pain is still intense. I almost feel like I'm choking because of the pain I feel in my chest. I know that there is nothing that I can do to bring him back yet I keep wishing for a miracle.
I keep thinking of the little things that I took such delight in and I smile to myself and then I break down because I won't have them anymore. I believe in god but I am still afraid that my hopes of being re-united with my buddy may not come to be.
I Have had to put two other dogs to sleep over the years and the pain was also extreme then. They were also special in their own way but for some reason Ozzy just touched me in a different way. I just wish that someone or something would take this pain away. The sedatives help a little but not enough.
Again thank you all for the help and I hope that all of you will be able one day to cope with your loss. I also know that coping is just a code word for hiding the pain deep in your heart so that you can still function. My Ozzy will always reside in a special place in my heart and I will always be thinking of him.

[Bear's Mom]

John, my heart goes out to you and your family on your loss. It is so hard to lose one of our furbabies. Your post made me cry, for after 8 days since the passing of my 8 year old chow, Bear, I still have that choking feeling you describe in my chest. I keep waiting for the morning that I get up and feel good again. In the past three days, I have read two books on dealing with the grief associated with the loss of a pet, been to every website I can find and read every post from all these countless people who are suffering every bit as much as I am. It's tough but I think it's getting better for me, and I hope it will for you and your family soon.

Mardell (Bear's Mom)

[LittleGirl's...]

John,

Ozzy had the best dad anyone could ever have!

From what I've heard from others about their near-death experiences, etc., when we die there is only bliss, and there's no sense of time or space (so Ozzy won't be emotionally distraught to be "separated" from you). People have been reunited with their pets when they've crossed over (it's not just for humans, unlike much of society has tried to brainwash us. Animals DO have souls). Also, because our fur-children are 100% spirit now, and because there is no time OR space, their spirits are as much with us as they were when living inside their physical bodies. I believe that when we feel the love, they're the "closest".

Please do take care of yourself. For the first couple of weeks after losing my Little Girl, just about all I did was spend time (hours each day) at this site, watch movies, and sleep.

Keep in touch!! You and your wife are in my prayers.

-Kathy

[Muffins]

Dear John:

I am very sorry to hear about your beloved lil' guy, Ozzy.

It's easy to see that Ozzy had a very, very special daddy, and as well, your Ozzy was a very loved furbaby....

It is hard, very difficult to "go through" the passing of our babies, but you can be sure, that Ozzy is up over Rainbow's Bridge, and he is in no pain.
He has a "brand new, young little body again....." Just like the puppy that you remember.

And, he is not alone----he is with all of our furbabies (and, all of God's special creatures), that have gone on before him.

I just lit a candle, in memory of your Ozzy, and all of our babies who have gone on before us...

In the beginning John, it is MORE THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE.......
I remember, after Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, I walked around (IF I WALKED), like I was in a catatonic state.

I couldn't eat, didn't care if I showered.......

Just know that Ozzy, would want you to "take care of yourself, as best you can"......
I bet Ozzy just hated it when his daddy or mommy was sad..... Is that true????

You mentioned "the pain in your chest", it definitely felt to me, like my heart was being torn in two............
With a jagged knife.....

I couldn't breathe........ My head hurt.......Everything hurt.

And, I kept looking for my girl...... And then, I would remember.....

Please, ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR MEMORIES......... NO ONE CAN TAKE THEM AWAY!!!!!
*****THEY ARE YOURS TO KEEP****** ALWAYS!!!!

I know you can't fathom this just yet, but, after awhile, your tears will dry a bit, and you will start remembering
the good times that you all shared..... And, you'll start smiling, just a little, and you'll be surprised to be smiling....
But, your Ozzy wants that for you......

It's certainly okay to cry..............Get those tears out....
Remember, tears are HEALING............

Ozzy KNOWS THAT HE WAS LOVED.........

I love to think what Kathy says, after our furkids are gone from their earthly lives........ "that our babies experience only bliss----there's no sense of time or space."

You've come to the right pet grief site, no question there.
And, feel free to just write............. Get it all off your chest....

For many days, I felt like I was rambling, and that no one could understand me......
But, everyone here has lost someone very, very special to them, and
what I wrote, was easily understood by all of my friends here.......

God Bless you & your wife!!!!

Peace & Love,

Denise