So Sad

Hello everyone.

It has been months since I've been on this site and one year and four months since my Jordan died. I just had to write and talk about this...

Yesterday, two seperate people that I haven't seen in over a year asked me about him. Of course, they felt sad when I told them that he had died.

Last night I was really missing him and today, just about an hour ago, I was out for a walk. I saw a black lab (like Jordan) running on a soccer field. Now, I've seen many labs since he died but I couldn't take my eyes off of this one. I kept thinking how similar she looked to my boy. (You know the subtle differences between dogs of the same breed that make your dog yours.)

The owner said, "She's very friendly, if you'd like to pet her." I scooched down and she came over to me. I got choked up. Her stature and was a little smaller but the eyes and nose were SO similar. I rubbed my hands over her and loved the silky familiar feeling that I have missed so much. I told the man that she reminded me very much of my boy. I asked where he got her and when he mentioned the breeder they got her from and I nearly fell over...It was where we got Jordan! No wonder they look so similar. It drew me closer to this dog and I kept petting her, wanting her to turn around so I could look at her face, somehow thinking this dog was a part of Jordan. Of course this dog was more interested in running on the field and soon took off. I came back home and cried and cried. This other dog reminded me so much of him. Wow. I am surprised that I had this intense of a reaction. The grief still sneaks up on me. Thanks for listening. I LOVE YOU JORDAN!

Here's My Boy, Jordan

Dear Jordan,
It has been six months and one day since your last breath brushed against my cheek. I still think about you every single day and miss you every single day. What I wouldn't give to kiss my spot in between your beautiful brown eyes, to hear your toenails clicking on the wood floor, to have your snoring wake me up at night, to run my hands over your velveteen ears... I miss walking through the door and seeing your "full-body wag." Sometimes at night when I feel the weight of one of the cats next to me, I pray so hard that it is you, thinking maybe that the past six months have just been a bad dream and that you're really still here. I loved so much when you would snuggle up next to me and rest your head on my pillow.
I don't dwell on your last few weeks anymore. That was all I could think about for such a long time. I know you don't want me to remember all of the pain but it was so traumatic that I think I needed to try to process it before I could remember healthier times.
I am so grateful that your daddy and I were in the room with you up until the end. I know with 100% certainty that it was the right time for you to go. I never felt guilt, only pain at losing you. Remember what I whispered over and over as the vet was helping you? I told you how lucky we were for having you in our lives, how much love you gave to us, how protected we felt because of you, how you NEVER let me feel alone or lonely, how you were my best friend, how much I was going to miss you, how you would always be my boy? Do you remember that? I wish I could say it all again to you in person. I guess this letter will have to do.
We spread your ashes by the waterfall and swimming hole that you loved to jump off of and swim in. We also spread some of you at our old house where you grew up. I saved some just in case we ever move. You'll be with me always.
Ten years wasn't nearly enough. But then again, twenty or thirty or forty also wouldn't be enough.
You saw all of the big and little moments of my adult life.
I am so happy that you are not hurting or in pain any longer. That is my greatest comfort. Please know that you are still the most loved boy in the whole world.
I love you,
Your Momma

We're Thinking About Getting A New Baby

Hi everyone.
I've been missing Jordan terribly the last few days. Something told me to look
on-line for the local animal shelters and found a no-kill cat shelter that had photos of adoptable cats. I looked quickly that first day but could'nt bear to think of having another furry baby here in our lives. I I'm having mixed feelings now. Part of me wants another animal to love. But, it makes me miss Jordan all the more. No, I'm not feeling like I'm trying to replace him- I know I never could, but thinking about a fuzzy family member just makes me long for my boy. We've decided to visit the shelter tomorrow...just to look. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm excited and nervous and missing Jordan.
Thanks for listening.
Jordan's mom

Need Some Support, Please

Hi everyone.
Today I've really been having a hard time...missing my boy, Jordan, crying, and really feeling the loss. I came home and was just really sad. When I spoke to my husband and told him about how sad I was feeling today he hugged me for a minute and asked what we were having for dinner. Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful and extremely loving, but I needed more than that. When I told him about that, he said, "What do you want me to say?" I told him that I needed to know that he still misses him a lot, too. He said, "Sure I miss him but its been a long time." I nearly jumped out of my skin... Then I looked at the calendar and realized that it has been four months to the day that he died. Today it was so raw again...I felt like I was actually realizing that I wouldn't be able to run my hands over his beautiful head or kiss in between his brown eyes, or rub his silky ears. That is all I want to do. So, my friends, I am feeling a bit alone tonight. Its a sad anniversary of sorts...four months. It feels like forever. I miss you, Jordan.
Love,
Jordan's mom

What A Feeling

Hello everyone.
Its now been three months since my boy Jordan died. I haven't been on this site for a few weeks but wanted to share my recent experience with everyone. We were having a birthday party for my daughter the other day...lots of people, balloons, cake, the works. Everyone was out on our deck having fun when I had the strangest feeling...the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. I felt so strange for a few seconds and had no idea why. Then I turned my head and I saw a black streak bound over the lawn for just a second. I am thoroughly convinced it was Jordan-running full-speed like he use to years ago... maybe chasing a ball or a stick? I looked again...half expecting to see a black bird or something to explain what I had seen but nothing was there. I had to excuse myself from the party to go into the bathroom so that I could be alone. I cried for a few minutes...missing him so much. I knew that if he were in his physical body that he would be chasing a ball and dashing across our lawn or following at my heels. I have wanted to see or feel a "sign" from Jordan since his death so so badly. I like to imagine that he was saying, "Look, Mommy! Look at how happy and healthy I am! See, I'm always here with you!"
So much sadness on this site... I feel for everyone so much. But I wanted to share my wonderful moment with you. I know that I will be okay now...at least for a little while. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Jordan's mom