My Heart Bleeds Options

[E.M]

My Denis past away on the 21st December 2006, he was (still is) a beautiful 14 year old black cat and had chronic kidney failure. With the aid of tablets we managed to keep his condition under control for a year until two weeks ago when his levels shot through the roof and he was off his food. The vets took him in to be put on a drip for 3 days where I was allowed to visit him. He picked up a little whilst I was there and I told them he was unhappy with the drip in his arm so they said they would keep him in one more day then I could take him home for the weekend to see if he picked up when he was back in his own home, if not then we would have to think of the inevitable.

There was little change Friday night, and throughout Saturday and was still didn't eat. The only think that seemed to comfort him was an inordinate amount of cuddles which I gave him.
On Sunday there was a complete turnabout and he wolfed down 3 bowls of food and was up and about walking, albeit a bit wobbly. On Monday he went back to the vets and I told them of the positive day previous we had had and they let me take him home again and said if he goes downhill again then there would be little we could do for him. Denis again had given up eating and all he wanted was to be held and kissed and cuddled, which he reciprocated back with such passion and force it was heart wrenching, I had never known him to be like this.

Denis was now very weak and falling over a lot so I had to make the decision for the vet to come round to the house so we could do 'it' together with him in my arms in the chair that we had spent so many hours together sharing so much.

It's the worst thing I have ever ever had to do in my life. The guilt is insurmountable.

I told him that, that night we would turn on the Xmas lights, find the brightest star in the sky and make a wish for him. We carried him outside with us wrapped up in his box and made a wish. I said I would light a candle for him everynight until the New Year.

Tonight even though I will be alone I will try not to be upset. I've gone through every emotion possible from guilt to anger to sadness and back again but tonight I will try to be happy for him. I miss him more than words can explain and its a horrible place to be in right now.

I like to think that I was his earth mother whilst he was here and needed me and now he has left and made that big journey on his own. With every end there is always a beginning.

There is no comfort at a time like this, only, I know I am not going through this alone.

Love you always Denis, I miss you so much it is unbearable. Peace be with you my man, there will never ever be another Denis, eternally yours. ************xx

[xrayspex]

Your guilt, your sadness, your anger....it's a terrible ordeal to lose one of the greatest things you ever loved in your whole life. I was extremely moved by your post and it took some contemplation & settling down before coming back to write. Christmas will never be the same for you but that is a smaller issue right now and I can bet you are one of the many here that are glad it is over. YOU are the main concern here right now. I lost my baby Chase about 6 weeks ago and it still hurts....but then...the loss always will. I have learned from here what you do after for yourself is what counts.

I told him that, that night we would turn on the Xmas lights, find the brightest star in the sky and make a wish for him. We carried him outside with us wrapped up in his box and made a wish. I said I would light a candle for him everynight until the New Year

I cried hard when I read that. There are things I read in this place that move me tremendously. What a wonderful thing to do! How noble and kind of you! Your guilt will pass once that monster gets tired of you. Realization will dictate that you let him "rest eternal" out of love. I know that you did, your post was very successful in demonstrating that! You are not alone. This place is saturated with terrible sadness & broken lives. But in amongst that there is much empathy and hope. It felt like I would never get better....that horrible place you are in right now, I have seen it and can go there in a heartbeat if I think about that gut-wrenching day for too long. But like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes, you will triumph over the guilt, the anger, and the profuse grief that will surely dominate your life for the brutal days yet to come. There is great compasion and understanding here because we have all felt what you are feeling. Yes...you were his guardian on earth during his short reign here but this place is just a moment in the greater scheme of what happens after we depart this place. You stated "another beginning". It's the part of the journey we the living dread for our furbabies...because they go on alone without us.

I like to think that I was his earth mother whilst he was here and needed me and now he has left and made that big journey on his own. With every end there is always a beginning

I salute you for your insight maam. Your belief in that kind of journey will makes Denis' journey complete....but not easy because Denis is there and you are here, but that is why you came here, isn't it? And speaking of here...post a picture of your furbaby if you can or want. Most do. It gives your Denis another sense of imortality...besides the journey. Lastly...be kind to yourself, come often, write much. It helps. I feel your pain, I am sorry for your loss.

[E.M]

Thank you for your kind words and I said to myself that I wouldn't cry today! It has taken me a while to get back to you to thank you. Like the Phoenix, Denis will rise from the ashes and so will I.

Even though the kidney disease had made him almost completely blind he never let that stop him, he had att*itude, and the right att*itude to cope with little sight. He never gave up, he was a fighter through and through.

Tonight I shall be looking for him in the sky.


Thank you once again.

[ryancat]

First of all I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss.Your Dennis sounds like such a sweet boy.All of the feelings you are having right now are completely normal.Guilt is the big one and it will eat you alive if you let it....please try not to feel guilty.You did what was best for him and he knew that.It's the hardest thing in the world to have to say good bye to a pet that we love like a family member.I know what your going thur because I've been there myself.On Oct. 13th I had to make the decision to put my beautiful boy Sox to sleep.He had feline diabetes and his kidneys were failing.He was in pain and I couldn't put him thur anymore.He had had enough...We made the decision but I still felt guilty about it.I learned from this site that it doesn't help you to feel that way.It only makes the pain that much worse.You did what you did out of love for him.He knew that you loved him and he knew you did the right thing.Your post moved me so much and you could just feel the love you have for him in your words.Please come here as often as you need to and when your up to it tell us some more about your boy.Post a picture if your up to it,we would love to see it.My thoughts and prayers will be with you tonight and I hope you can soon find some peace.We understand what your going and we're here for you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[AlleysMama]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It has been just over three weeks since I lost my Alley and the tears never seem to be far off.

The stars are a wonderful place for her, Denis, and the others, to be there waiting for us.

[Moose Mom]

I'm so very sorry you lost your Denis. It's so hard to lose them. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you loved Denis his whole life and you loved him through his death. It's one of the things we accept we will have to do when we get a fur baby to love.

He showed you how much he understood what you would have to do by loving you so much on Friday and Saturday, you gave him his comfort. You were so lucky to have each other for 14 years.

We lost our Moose kitty on Oct. 23rd. He was only 10. I understand where you are at right now. I wish so much I could be more help.

I too would love to see a picture of him, when you can. He will always be your bright and shining star.

Thinking of you
Lori

[E.M]

Renee, Alleys Mama & Lori and everyone else out there,

I had just started to write some thanks to you all when there was a power cut and I lost everything so now I am having so start all over again.

What I had started to say was thank you for all your kind words, thoughts and compassion, it all means a great deal and means that no one has to go through the grieving process alone. These are bad times for us all but when hands reach out across the ocean to share the experience, offer support, kindness and compassion, it is truely a great act.

With each new day the guilt takes less of a hold and allows kinder, much nicer memories to surface and allows us space to remember these. What we did was an act of true committment to love, to face the situation truthfully where no further action will avail and the only way to go is to let go. We face the pain because it means there is nothing further that can be done, we let go, we bow to fate as an acceptance of an ending. The future cannot be manipulate and we go empty handed in to the unknown.

What we have left now are our memories, happy and sad, and without sharing their lives we would never have these. They leave us with big holes in our heart, a big aching void, but like every great cat, one day we will lick our wound and get right back up again. Like Spring returning again into our lives we will one day be filled with renewed hope and promise in life once more. As one chapter ends a new one always begins and its hard to look forward when we are still looking back. With the New Year we bring forward the happy memories and the good times shared, which means that they won't be continually locked in the old year. It is hard to be philosophical about death when were are surrounded by such pain and sorrow, I have moments of calmness but I still have moments when the bad memories come back to haunt me or should I say taunt me, but time as they say is a great healer and I know this is true.

I will share this strange thing with you that happened the other night, it might make me sound like a lunatic but this is what happened.

I think my Denis may shown me a choice the other night, I awoke in the middle of the night, my heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to explode, my whole body was pounding with the force, I jumped out of bed so fast and shouted 'Denis, I am not ready to go, I have four others to look after who need me here'. This was all in the space of seconds and slowly my heartbeat returned to normal. I've no idea where those words came from, this was at 3am in the morning and I was still half asleep. And besides I actually have five who need me not four.
Yes, perhaps I was having a panic attack in my sleep but perhaps Denis was giving me a big kick up the backside and saying even though your thoughts are to slowly curl up and die, given the choice, you choose life, because your job is not done there yet, and that indeed was what I needed to remember.
So yes whatever it was I think there was a message in there for me to think about, no matter how bad things are, we are still needed here. Each and everyone of us. Observe the pain and stick with it, we will all get through it at some point.

Yesterday I found up all my photos of Denis, to choose one to post of him here on this site, it was very sad to see his face all over again, and brought all those tears flooding back, I have chosen one of him in his mid-life where he is looking his most handsome and free from the ravages of time. I'm sure he would agree and say 'don't put that one of me on there, with all my grey hairs and me looking old, put that one on of me looking young and beautiful!' So this I will do in the next few days for you all to see. My partner will be back tomorrow and will be able to do this for me as I'm a bit of a techonphobe!

Be kind to yourselves

E.M - Debbie

[Moose Mom]

Debbie

It's hard to be philosophical about death at this point in your grief, it's just too new and it hurts too much. You actually seem to be doing very well, you are thinking and putting your thoughts down wonderfully.

I think your Denis was giving you a good kick, so to speak. It's so easy to just want to go with them, but there are always others who still need you. At first I was too hurt and upset to 'hear' what my baby was trying to say to me, it took me about a month to calm down enough he could come through.

Thinking of you and Denis
Lori

[E.M]

....and i thought I was doing so well in coping.

The post just arrived, there was an envelope with my name on it that looked like a late Christmas card, I opened it up and there was a picture of a beautiful cat on the front. I opened it up and it was from the vets, a deepest sympathy card, signed by everyone, including a message from Rosy that just said 'you tried so hard'. I just dropped the card to the floor and burst out crying. I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach. I can't bear to look at it, it makes this all seem to real. A lovely gesture I know but oh so painful. I'm crying too much now to type so I've got to go now and lick my wounds

[vizsla-angel]

I will share this strange thing with you that happened the other night, it might make me sound like a lunatic but this is what happened.

For what it's worth, you don't sound like a lunatic to me.
All I know for sure is you miss your beautiful friend and it hurts like hell. And I hope you're not still buying into the guilt of making the unselfish decision for him. It's only been 5 days since I had to say those words on behalf of my boy. As much as it hurt me, better I hurt emotionally now than put it off while he suffers physically.

I'm especially fond of black cats. Got two bossy old ones with me. Just something about them -- like they think they're special because they know they've got that whole thing about giving you bad luck if they want to. Here's a silly thought for you: Do you think Denis and my Black Cats who crossed (Moon Cat & Magic) are hanging out at the kitty poker tables in cat heaven? They'd always win because they'd give the other cat's bad luck. Sorry about that other kitty moms!

I hoped that helped you smile for just a second.
Peace&Love
V-Angel

[E.M]

That did make me smile for a second, the thought of kitty poker tables in cat heaven! Moon Cat, Magic, Denis and my other two black cats, Whoosh and Marshall would make a good team!

I think Denis will be doing quite well at kitty poker, he could be quite cheeky at times, he was a bit of a risk taker right from the word go.
He was one cat who knew that he had nine lives and how to live each and every one of them.
Even with his tiny amount of sight he would still go charging about the house, jumping up onto things, and miss sometimes as well! There was just no stopping him sometimes.

I'm sure he will have a few tricks up his sleeve....!

[E.M]

My Denis,

Attached image(s)

 

[sheps mama]

Wow, Denis is a real honey, no wonder you miss him so.

Debbie
Sheps mama

[AlleysMama]

Your Denis was a gorgeous boy. I've always been fond of black cats, like my Alley. I guess when I was growing up, we always had cats, and they always seemed to be black, so to me, that's what a cat should look like!

The only thing getting me through all this, is the thought that somewhere, all our kitties are together, talking about us, as we're talking about them, and missing us just the same, waiting until we are together again.

[Furry's mum]

Denis was sleek & gorgeous & so happy in that photo in such a lovely garden. The pain of losing our best beloved furbabies is the price we pay for loving & being loved so.
Judith

[Moose Mom]

Oh your Dennis was so handsome! He looks so wise and so happy in his picture. Thank you for letting us see him.

Love
Lori

[E.M]

Moose mom, Furry's mum, Alleys mama and Sheps mama,

Thank you to you all for your lovely words about my Denis, thet go along way, I can tell you.

Denis does look happy and proud in that photo, so young and full of life. That photo was taken at the first house we had ever bought so there are a lot of fond memories there.

When I think of that house and Denis, I alway think of him 'bringing home the bacon' which brings a smile to my face.

One day Denis had obviously jumped over the garden wall to one of the houses at the bottom of the garden and reappeared at the back door with two slices of fresh, uncooked bacon in his mouth, totally clean with not a speck of dirt on them. I can only imagine that some had had their kitchen door open and Denis had gone in and saw two slices of bacon on the work top and decided to steal them! Perhaps they had only left the kitchen for a couple of seconds but that was long enough for him to snatch and grab them. I could imagine the look of puzzlement on someones face when they returned to find their bacon for breakfast had totally disappeared. The look on Denis's face, with these two big slices of bacon hanging from his mouth, he was really proud of his catch!

[vizsla-angel]

That is a GREAT photo. He has such a great look. Honestly, I think it should be on a calendar.

Now that we add Alley in the mix, we've got 4 black cats. Probably opening a casio and taking all the dogs' money. Moon Cat always was all about taking advantage of dogs.....

[sheps mama]

E.M. - I love the story about Denis stealing the bacon and about bringing it home to you in purrfect condition!!

Shep once did something similar. It was my partner's birthday and I had bought him a really gorgeous cake. I left it on the work surface in the kitchen, in it's unopened box and went to bed. In the morning I got up and went downstairs and into the kitchen. The cake box was on the floor and was empty. It had been opened very delicately - no tears or rips and the cake was gone. There were no crumbs anywhere to be seen. I went back upstairs and asked my partner where he had put the cake and of course, he didn't know what I was talking about. The next thing, Shep started yowling like a wolf. I went downstairs and let him out in to the garden, where he very quickly showed me what had happened to the cake!! To this day I don't know how he managed to open the box so gently, but he never lost his love of cake!!

These are the stories I love to hear, please come back and tell us some more as I'm sure it does us good to talk about the great times.

Debbie
Sheps mama

[E.M]

Chocolate cake, peas and curry....these were a few of his ###### things!! and bread. When he was a kitten and before we had bought our first house, we lived next door to a bakery so I think that's where he got his fondness for cakes and bread, I think he would go round the back and get fed or find some treat laying about. The curry taste I think came from living near to the high street, if we ever came home with a takeway he could smell it a mile off and always begged for a little bit, I think that's how he got his liking for peas as well.
You could never leave a loaf of fresh bread out because you would always come back to find all the corners nibbled off it. Denis also had mastered the art of opening the fridge door so he could have a peek inside to see if anything took his fancy.

Sheps mama
I loved the bedhead look, it made me giggle, thats just what I look like in the morning too! Did Shep eat most of the cake or did he leave a bit for you too? The things they get away with! These funny stories do cheer you up.

v-angel
Four black cats opening a ******* and taking all the dogs money, now thats a thought! Denis never listened to our dog Molly either (Long legged Jack Russell), he knew he ruled the roost, sometimes if Molly was lying down in his way he would just literally walk over her to get to where he wanted to be, I don't think she liked this very much!
Having said that our other two cats Emily and Lucy don't pay much attention to her whens she growls at them either, they still go and steal her food even when she is stood right next to them. Poor old Molly. She knows just how cheeky these cats can be, but she is just as cheeky as the rest of them.

A couple of weeks ago I heard Lucy our fluffy black and white cat growling in the kitchen, when I walked in she had a huge mouse in her mouth, still very much alive, which she promptly dropped and went walking off to her food bowl. My partner had let her in the through the kitchen door and had failed to notice what she was carrying. After chasing the mouse round the kitchen with a frying pan in his hand and then losing it, 2 hours later and a lot of searching, we managed to find it hiding out in the bottom of the oven. Yuck. Thanks Lucy for that!

Look forward to hearing more amusing thoughts and stories about our loved ones, it helps to smile a little each day, we need it don't we?