Am I Going Crazy?, loss of beloved dog Options

[Fiona]

Am I going off my head? My darling wee hairy dog, Sgith died a week ago today after being hit by a car - and I wasn't there. He was with my mum, who's blaming herself no matter that I say dogs will be dogs and run across the road. Sgith was my faithful companion into whose fur I cried many times - he was my fourth baby - I have 3 children who are all also totally devastated. Sgith was a little dog with a huge personality and could never be 'just a dog' as someone said to me yesterday. He spoke to us, understood every word said to him and was spoiled rotten. Now I catch myself pretending hes sitting on the bed with me, speaking to him, trying hard to imagine hes there with me. I cant believe hes not here - can i turn the clock back - when do the tears stop? I cant stand the emptiness in the house - every advert on TV has dogs in it.

Please someone tell me it will get easier.

[Kathleen032]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Sgith.

It will get easier, but it takes time. The important thing is to allow yourself to feel the pain and saddness of your loss. The tears that you cry now really are healing tears. You'll find in time, the wonderful memories you have of Sgith will bring you much comfort.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[Dukerman]

I felt the same way yesterday and last night. The quiet and emptiness in the house is too much to bear. I feel as though I've lost control...and since I couldn't help my Duke recover from the cancer I feel as though I failed him. It will be a week tomorrow since I lost my baby and I feel no better than I did right after we lost him.

--Angela

[Christine]

I'm so sorry about Sgith. You've come to the right place for support. Yes, it will get better eventually, but give yourself time. It's been two weeks today that I had to have Sandy P put to sleep. This morning, I was able to look at her photo and tell her "good morning." I'm sorry that your mum blames herself, but we blame ourselves here too at times wondering did we put them to sleep too soon, or did I wait too long. You are right, dogs will be dogs, and you have to have eyes in the back of your head to keep an eye on them. Years ago when my dad was a kid (1930-1940's) he had a dog named Blackie. On the way to school, Blackie was on one side of the street and dad called him over. A car came by and killed Blackie. Dad said back then a car would come down the street once a week, if that. Dad has never forgotten that because he also blames himself. Come here and talk to us any time. If anyone else says 'he was just a dog" accept their lack of compassion as ignorance. If you can, stay clear of those people for a while until you fel stronger. We certainly don't feel that way. This site has been a life-line for me for the past two weeks, and I honestly think I would have completely lost it if not for the people here.

We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual expereince. We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.

Christine

[Fiona]

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes,again, as I read all your replies. It really does help me to know i'm not the only person going through what has to be the worst stage of my life so far and that includes when my dad died 15 years ago. Should I feel guilty about that? My dad died suddenly but he'd been ill for many years and I hadn't lived with him for quite a long time. Thats not an excuse and of course, I rememebr grieving terribly for him but Sgith was with me every minute of the last 9 years and was always there for me when I felt bad. Sgith was my refuse from the world when it got bad, my hairy little beastie who thought he was a lion.
How do I help my 2 big teenage boys who are hurting terribly but not sure how to show it?
thank you all for your words - they really mean a lot to me.
Fiona

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[Furkidlets' Mom]

Fiona,
No, you should NOT feel guilty for whatever amount of grieve you attach to your beloved doggie's passing. It is not a requirement to feel x amount of grief for someone else, compared to your furchild. I just lost my Mother AND brother this past year, and I make no apologies for the fact that the passing of my furchild (a cat) 5 years ago was far and away a worse pain, a more intense pain, than that of my own Mother's passing. As you said, and just like me, you were in each other's life daily, sharing your most recent past together, and your dad wasn't. Even if he HAD been, you might still feel worse over your dog, and no one can say it's 'wrong' to feel more for him. Society will likely look askew at this, but that doesn't mean they're right. All it means is that those particular people haven't had the same kind of openness and relationship that you'd achieved with your doggie. Their loss, as far as I'm concerned. I hate that closed attitude myself, but all we can do is find others who know better (maybe when you feel better, you can read things from people like Albert Schweitzer from YEARS ago - HE knew how precious animals were!) If it helps you realized the intensity some of us experience, I grieved heavily for 2.5 years before I could even start the slow climb back into feeling somewhat normal. This may be longer than for some, but I considered it a mark of the depth of my cat's and my relationship. Even my Mother once said no one should feel sad THAT long for a CAT! I told her in return that NO ONE speaks to me that way about him, wouldn' t talk to her for a couple of weeks (til I could cool down some) and she then accepted that that's how I was going to feel, regardless of her opinion. She never bothered me again about it. Don't forget, our furbabies very often have given us exactly the things other humans WOULDN'T or COULDN'T give us that we needed....so why shouldn't we honour them with our tears? If they HAD been human, no one would chide you for feeling lost without them.
You might try, for your boys, getting out some pic's and sentimental items from Sgith's life with you and see if anyone wants to talk about his ways, etc. You might even tell them you'd like some company in your misery. There are also many books out there that have sections dealing with talking to children and teens about these things - it's no different than talking to them about the death of anyone else in your lives. Just try opening up a dialogue with them that lets them know it's okay to talk about it, okay to feel whatever they're feeling. Don't hide your pain - if YOU think it's appropriate, you will be teaching THEM it's appropriate, without any shame attached to it. Teach by example. However, eveyone grieves differently, so you must allow them their own way, even if it doesn't match yours. We at this site are here for you if you can't share in the same way with those physically close to you. You poor dear, we all know how horrible it is. I can still cry at the drop of a hat at times, when I remember something touching about my boy. It gets easier, but give yourself plenty of time, and keep talking about it if that helps you.

[Fiona]

Furkidlet's mom
Thank you so much - I need to read your post again and absorb it all properly. If we learn one thing from all this pain it is that we need to appreciate what we have while we have itand make the most of it. I'm so sorry you've struggled for so long with your loss but do we emerge stronger at the end of it all? Notthat it willever end - I'll never forget my wee man and what he meant to us all - it realy does feel to me as if I've lost a child and how totally bereft I feel. I'll do the things yousuggest to help the boys - we have lots of photos and videos to look at , painful as it will be. My daughter is away at University and doesn't het home till this weekend and she's been feeling terribly lonely and upset, not being able to get home. she'll find it very hard when she does get home and in a away it will bring it all back again.
I already find that speaking here is good for me, I feel as if I'm allowed to talk about it and not feel as if I'm upsetting everyone else. I willbe here many times i the next few days I'm sure - and I kind of feel as if Sgith is sitting here beside me, trying to jump onto my knee as he always does when I'm at the computer.
Fiona

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Fiona,
You're right, it doesn't ever really end, but you'll find some relief from the intensity after awhile. Of COURSE we don't ever 'forget' our loved ones...how could we? (not unless we get Alzheimers!) Maybe having your daughter there will actually help you two females (I don't mean to suggest males don't grieve as hard, but many of them DO have different ways of expressing it than females do, it's just a gender thing sometimes) get more healing tears out together. You gotta cry if you gotta cry...it's that simple. I couldn't even leave the house for the first month or so ( I was lucky I had this option) because everything set me off so intensly...but I gave myself permission to feel as bad as I did, and THAT helped me a lot. If you're not ready yourself for looking at picture, then just don't. You have to set your OWN rules, change them when YOU want, for yourself. It was just a suggestion. Be THAT good to yourself because your heart is raw and Sgith wouldn't have wanted you to do anything you didn't want to do. (yes, I know, this probably set you off again....that's okay...cry if you need to) By the way, since I AM a believer in a continuing existence (even if I don't know how exactly it all works), I think Sgith IS sitting there with you, whether you can physically feel him or not. If you do happen to have any experiences of his presence, TRUST IN THEM. I had quite a few, some physical, some auditory, some with electronic equipment, that I KNOW were signs from my boy. His sister and I even shared some together, so no one can tell me they were just in my head. Most of them happened within the first 2 wks. of his crossing....or, if the term helps you, his "graduation", as someone I know always calls it. I just call it "returning to spirit", as I believe that's the closest phrase for my beliefs. It helps to remind me he is still alive on some plane, even if I can't see him. But he came back to show me I could still FEEL him, on a few levels, including the physical that first week. If you don't get any signs, don't feel bad. There seem to be many reasons this may not occur, or not occur until long afterwards. It's often very variable for each of us. You might even try asking him if he's around, and then just stay as aware of everything as you can....I know it's harder to do when you're JUST IN SO MUCH PAIN, but it may help anyway. There isn't much you can't say on these boards that someone hasn't heard before, and even if it's a first, we all need to learn things from others, so yak and vent away. And buy lots of Kleenex.

[Myangelherbie]

I don't think you are going Crazy at all, It is normal to miss a pet so much, I burst into tears randomly at the drop of a hat, sometimes I don't even wait for the hat.I am still in the shock stage. Don't let anyone tell you that you are going crazy for doing this. It is normal to miss your dog and want them to be there. Grief hits everyone in different ways.I am still waiting on a Sign from my Angel Herbie, to let me know he is ok and until I get that I will probably cry at the mere memory of him.


I hope everything turns out ok, and just know that he is no longer suffering or in any pain.

sincerely,
Tori

[deedee]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that grief is grief. It feels like grief whether it is a person or a beloved pet. Our animals love us and provide us with so much. We do a disservice to them if we belittle our own pain when they pass away. There are a lot of people who don't "get it", but they have never felt the joy of having a furry companion curl up with us on a wet day. You don't need to justify your feelings to them because your feelings are yours and, as anyone on this board can tell you, your feelings are normal and legitimate.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved Sgith (what does the name mean, by the way?).

[Fiona]

Sgith ( pronounced 'skee' )is the Scottish Gaelic word for 'tired' or 'sleepy' - when we first had him as a puppy, he just slept all the time. That didn't last long!
You're all very kind here - I'm so glad I found youall. I wish for youall too, peace.
Ineed to go and try and sleep now - grief is exhausting - but first I am away out to light the night candle for Sgith - for once, in Scotland, we have some very calm weather , very unusual, and hopefully it will stay alight allnight.
More tears to come Iknow but youall really do help -moran taing ( thank you)
Fiona

[Fiona]

I went out to say goodnight to Sgith last night and had a really good chat with him, through the tears. I told him about the wonderful contributuion he made to our family life and how he'll always be a part of it. I relasied taht apart from myself, my husband and my mum, Sgith was the person who will ahve had the biggest impact on the lives of my children. He taught them about love and respect , and responsibility and was my fourth child. He will be one of the most important memories of their childhood - for myself and Donald, if we get another dog, we will come to love it as much, I am sure, but for the children , Sgith will always have been THEIR companion - they'll be leaving home soon and wont be with another doggy so much.
For all of you going through what I'm going through, lets talk together and support one another - I'm learning a lot from reading all your replies and they will help.
I really do want to believe that my baby can let me know hes ok and being happy - as long as hes not missing me as much as I miss him. Can somebody tell me that they dont feel the pain like we do? I just want him back.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Dear Fiona,
From what I've heard, no, they don't miss us the way we miss them, because they're supposedly on a plane where THEY can see US if they want to....our vibrations are just too dense for us to be aware of these other planes of existence. That is why we have to 'work' in various ways to raise our vibrations enough to effect decent communication with them. By decent, I mean so WE can hear THEM. Sometimes, when you're in the right state (for yourself - it can be very individual), you can be aware of messages from them. There's a great site that's discussing just these things right now (Beyond Indigo - in the ADC's, Dreams and Visions forum) where someone there has had access to one of these planes since she was born...if you want to learn more. Mediums always say that they do hear us when we're talking to them (people AND animals) after they've 'graduated', so go right ahead with that. There is also a wonderful book about these experiences called "The Soul Of Your Pet - Evidence for the Survival of Animals After Death" by Scott S. Smith, although it may be out of print now so you might have to find it 'used'. I was desperate for this book after my guy crossed and it helped me believe. There's also a fairly good section on animals in James Van Praagh's (a famous medium) book, "Healing Grief" that also supports this kind of thing.
I know the feeling of "I just want him back!" and how it's so all-consuming in the first while (for me, of course, for the first YEAR at LEAST!!). There were countless days I would look out our upstairs window, longing until I felt totally drained, to see my Bud/Boo-Boo/Sabin (nicknames/real name) come "Woo-woo"ing up the little gully across from us after a jaunt to find mousies in the tall grasses. Even now, 5 years later, I can barely stand to look there for too long. I SO wished I could, just once, see his spirit form (like physical, but maybe see-through) do that, just so I'd know without ANY doubts that this plane existed. But instead he gave me other signs, and still does, but less frequently now...maybe because I don't really need it quite as much...although I do WANT it just as much! The worst part is I know I'll go through pretty much exactly the same, horrible thing whenever his sister crosses (she's 18 now;he was only 13 - cancer; she's got kidney disease and other things) and even the memory of the anguish terrifies me. It was the worst pain I've ever experienced, so my heart bleeds for you, and everyone else who loves their companions that much.
(That's pretty neat, you being from Scotland. We could all use some tutelage in Gaelic pronunciation! How do you pronounce "moran taing"?)

[Christine]

Dear Fiona, I have been waiting for my Sandy P to come to me in a dream, and she visited my husband instead! I was busy dreaming stupid things like my car overheating on the way home and my cell phone not working--you know the usual stuff we dream about. I was telling my husband (Jack) about the dream the following morning, and he told me he had dreamt about Sandy P. I demanded the details. He said someone came to the front door and was carrying Sandy P in his arms, just like I used to. He told Jack that he was bringing Sandy P back. Jack explained to the man that there must be some mistake, that Sandy P wasn't here any more. Jack took Sandy P from the man but was afraid that I would "freak out" when I saw her. Instead, I just accepted that she was here just like she'd never gone. I have similar dreams about my mum who died 11 years ago. In the dream, I go over to my dad's house and Mum is there. I know in my heart that she is gone, but accept the fact that she is back with us again. I think Sandy P came to visit Jack because I have to take sleeping pills to get any rest. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I drink a little bit too much just lately, so it's possible that Sandy P knew she wasn't getting through to me. I've tried going without, but just lie there awake at night. I still feel like she's here though, and speak to her often. Spirits are just like radio signals. If your radio isn't turned on, you don't hear it even though the waves are passing through you all the time. We need to learn to turn our minds on to the spirits that are talking to us. I'm sure Sgith is with you now. He knows it's much easier for him to communicate with you than you with him. Just keep talking with him out loud, and he'll hear you.

By the way, my husband is a skeptic. I haven't told him about my dreams about my Mum. That's what makes me believe it is real.

Love,

Christine

[Fiona]

Furkidlets mom
Moran taing is pronounced " moe ( as in toe) - run tang"
My poor wee son s had a hard day today - crying over Sgith again in the garden - hs finding it difficult o express himself. I'm trying all the things you're suggesting and hopefully something will help - my elder son is writing a pipe tune.
I keep thinking I'm a bit better then I think about the awful day and I get an ice block inthe pit of my stomach and my legs go all funny. How can I get these horrible images out of my mind and replace them withhappy memories? I've been dreaming of him too, like you and Sandy P . Christine. Hes wagging his tail at me furiously and giving me a face wash - that all seems just like yesterday and I cant believe my life has changed so dramatically in a week. I need to read upon the different planes aspects of it all. I was speaking toa freind today who is wrting a dissertationonthe natural harmonic structures in music and teh liason they have with the natural world. All very complicated but she has discovered that if she tunes her fiddle to Pythagoras tuning instead of the 'normal' modern tuning - her fiddle becoems completely in tune with the birds outside and brought her a n immediate sense of inner strength and peace. I feel that this is what I need to find somewhere - get in balance with something so I can let anything else in, any vibrations or signs.
Time to go and say good night - sleep sound everybody and sweet dreams. caidil gu math.
Fiona

[Christine]

Dear Fiona, Your grief is still so fresh, there are no words I can say that will comfort you. Sgith is will come and visit you soon. Time on the next plane is much quicker than here, so what seems like days to you is just seconds to Sgith. He's just now getting settled in. I think I got a message from Sandy P today. I have been thinking about getting a personalized license plate (number plate) with Sandy P's name on it for my car next month when I have to reregister it. On the way to work today, I saw a personalized license plate that said Old Dog. I have used Sandy P as a password before on the computer, and the message that prompts me to remember it is "old dog." Then I got a fortune cookie today that said "What you seek is closer than you think." I travel the same road to work every day, and I've never seen that truck before. Have you read the post titled "All is well."? I think you will find that comforting.

Love,

Christine

[Fiona]

THank you Christine, yes I read the post and you're right, its very comforting.
Sounds to me like you're right in thinking you've got those signs - maybe when our grief is so fresh, we block it all out and negative feelings wont let anything else though.
Its a wet and warm day here today - Sgith loved the rain and would sit out in it, watching for cats coming out to find shelter in the shed! I dreamt of him last night and really dreamt that he spoke to me - or rather I had a feeling that he was telling me something but without speaking - he said that hes ok, but his teeth were sore and his legs a bit achy - do they not become whole again when they go to a differnt place? Is that just my fears surfacing, that hes still in pain somewhere?
Love and warm hugs to you all
Fiona

[Christine]

Hi Fiona, I don't think it's possible that we or our furry friends feel pain because we leave all that behind in our bodies. That may be how he appeared to you because he knew you would recognize him. I sent a donation to my local humane society after Sandy P passed on, so her life will be honored by helping those poor animals in need. It is just a small comfort, because I would give up everything to have her back. I miss her most at night when she's not in her usual spot in the bedroom. I always had to step over her when I got up at night. Sandy P was such a high-spirited, assertive, and fearless dog. She was the boss in our house, and I'm sure she's just the same now. It's rainy over here also. Sgith is with you in spirit and always will be. Sometimes I worry that my grieving is holding Sandy P back from where she needs to go, but I can't help it. I try to keep my mind occupied all the time, but those sad waves of despair just come barging in without any warning. I've planted her a little garden where she is buried. We put her next to Edo who was a rottweiler and her friend. If he was in the way, she just used to walk right underneath him! I think my happy memories are slowly taking over the sad thoughts of her last few days. I've got lots of photos and images in my head (they are movies in my head--thank God for memories). I'm glad you liked the "All is Well" post. I'll be thinking of you and everyone else who is grieving the loss of their furry (feathered, or scaley) friends.

Love,

Christine

[Christine]

Hi Fiona, I don't think it's possible that we or our furry friends feel pain because we leave all that behind in our bodies. That may be how he appeared to you because he knew you would recognize him. I sent a donation to my local humane society after Sandy P passed on, so her life will be honored by helping those poor animals in need. It is just a small comfort, because I would give up everything to have her back. I miss her most at night when she's not in her usual spot in the bedroom. I always had to step over her when I got up at night. Sandy P was such a high-spirited, assertive, and fearless dog. She was the boss in our house, and I'm sure she's just the same now. It's rainy over here also. Sgith is with you in spirit and always will be. Sometimes I worry that my grieving is holding Sandy P back from where she needs to go, but I can't help it. I try to keep my mind occupied all the time, but those sad waves of despair just come barging in without any warning. I've planted her a little garden where she is buried. We put her next to Edo who was a rottweiler and her friend. If he was in the way, she just used to walk right underneath him! I think my happy memories are slowly taking over the sad thoughts of her last few days. I've got lots of photos and images in my head (they are movies in my head--thank God for memories). I'm glad you liked the "All is Well" post. I'll be thinking of you and everyone else who is grieving the loss of their furry (feathered, or scaley) friends.

Love,

Christine

[joy]

Furkidlet's Mom
Thanks for your wisdom and kindness. I lost my beloved cat Buddy 3 weeks ago and the pain has only become worse because I miss him more every day that he has not been here with me. I do not have any other children and Buddy has been my child since 1989. He has been there to take care of me through my divorce, and every other one of my challenges. In 1995 he broke his leg and since then he has been the focus of my life because the thought that I could have lost him was more than I could bear. In 2000 he was diagnosed with diabetes becoming the most important part of each day. I am not married and never felt lonely because each day when I came home he would climb my leg to be picked up and hugged - sometimes he would just like to be carried around. We would sit together and he would listen to whatever I had to say as long as there was a chin scratch involved. At 8 AM and PM he could come to me no matter where I was for his insulin shot .
Every night he would come and get me to go to bed at 10:30 and at 7:30 in the morning he would wake me up by lying on my chest. He was everything to me and now the pain of loosing him to Kidney failure becomes worse each day. In the last 5 months I tried to make him comfortable and cried every day at the thought that I would have to make a choice sooner or later to let him go. It was the worst day of my life and the guilt I feel for not knowing if he was ready to go and for not knowing right away that he was sick. His last gift to me was to let me grieve for him more than worrying for myself because I was hospitalized in March for having had epileptic seizures (never ever before) - soon after Buddy was diagnosed with Kidney failure. I haven't had time to worry about myself because I had to care for Buddy. I can only hope that when we die we can be reunited with our pets who give us their unconditional love avery day.
I have read so many the messages here and they have helped me realize that there are other people who feel as I have for the loss of Buddy.

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