Feeling Guilty

It will be a month on wednesday, since Herbie went to the bridge. I can only say healing is and will be a long process. I now am feeling guilty because, I no longer think of his death, or of him for that matter. I still forget sometimes that he isn't here, and will go to look for him, he always sat in my lap as I wrote a story, or my book that will probably never be finished.I know I should be feeling better, and I do. I just feel so horrible about feeling better. That made no sense at all I am sure. I went to his grave today, for the first time since we buried him. I didn't cry, or even feel sad. I couldn't believe that beneath that pile of dirt was my childhood friend. I said a quick prayer for him, and then walked away smiling. I know I must seem like such an awful pet owner. I don't know if it was the fact that Herbie, wasn't really my dog (he was my grandparents' dog) that has made healing so easy for me, or that I just don't dwell on things for a long time. Either way I feel bad for feeling better.

-Tori

So Lonely

It has been 2 weeks and 1 day since he left us, I am at my grandparents house tonight, where Herbie once lived. We brought my puppy over, and I went to put some water in his water bowl, not realizing it wasn't there. That was a horrible moment, just staring at the empty space where his water bowl should be, filled with ice water. The house feels so empty, not having him here. I keep thinking oh maybe he is just sleeping on the couch, I miss him alot, this is the first time I have cried in a week, I knew I would, and tommorow staying here without his sleeping a foot away from me at all times will be unbearable. I miss the times he would scratch at the guest door so he could sleep on the bed in there, and I would wake up and put him on the bed, just so he was happy, and the times he would have the bursts of playfulness and act like a clueless puppy. I swore I heard the noise he makes when he dreams a few minutes ago, but it must have been a mistake.

-Tori

Just A Stuffy...

I got Herbie's purple monkey man today.It still smells like him, and I can see where he drug it through the dirt in the backyard. It has been nearly 3 days since Herbie went to the Bridge, I believe it was around 8:30 am, I say this for two reasons... Out of the blue at 8:30 Am on monday, I randomly burst into tears, about Herbie, and the fact that my grandmother left at 8:00 to take him up there, and she probably had to wait plus they had to sedate him twice before they Euthanized him.

I knew from day one that when I got his toy I would cry, This was the last toy he played with before passing.It layed in his bed with him, the night he was in terrible pain, It was the only thing I wanted aside from his blanket. I heard a dog whimpering on TV today, and it scared me... because it sounded just as Herbie did when he was in pain just after breaking his leg, the one with the cancer, that was un reparable.I have been thinking of him all day, next week will be so hard for me...mondays will be harder than usual, and I will no longer look forward to June when I am free from school.Even my Sister's b-day will most likely be a hard day for me, one month with him gone. I am still waiting for a visit from him to let me know everything was okay, and he was okay and happy.I am so tired of crying all the time, it really does make you exaughsted...Visiting New Ark where he is burried will be hard too. I just want him back,even though I know it is selfish, I am still angry he had to go. I am angry that they let him in the front yard knowing he could hurt himself going down the porch step, I knew it would have been inevitable anyhow... he would eventually have been put to sleep anyways, and I would have found a new person to direct my anger at. I just wish the end wasn't so quick... I mean we were told he had cancer 2 days before he hurt himself, although the vet said he probably had it for months...and that bone cancer is usually undetectable unless tested for...and Who tests thier dogs for somthing they probably don't have.

I partly blame myself, I should have taken him out through the garage with me, but no... I jsut smiled and walked past him. I feel awful for that. So selfish and angry too. Why did god have to take such a sweet dog, and then my other dog is old too, and I have had her since I was 3... sometimes Life is just so unfair. I was blessed with a gift of love for animals, aparently that gift is a curse as well.

This is the way I vent...
--------------------------------------------

I've been so selfish
my dear old friend
Wishing You had held on,
and you did til the end

I was so selfish
to want you to stay
My dear friend
I feel that I betrayed
The love you gave me
Till the end

One more day
and my heart shall mend
I wish it was so
Will this pain ever end

I want to be happy
as you would want me to be
but it is just too hard
when you I can't see

I miss my angel
My best friend
I miss you more
than the rainbows in the sky
With this my friend
I would say goodbye

but why say that when in heaven
you wait, just outside
the golden gates,
instead I shall say
so long my friend

Until we meet again
Have fun at the bridge....

Herbie's Life

Herbie was rescued by my mother and her friend mike in 1995, he was about a year old, I am told that they were going to get a pommerainian when they brought Herbert, aka Herbie in. My mom instantly said she wanted him, she waited about 3 hours for him to be looked over by a vet and groomed. They brought him home. I don't remember much of Herbie as a young dog under the age of 4, one memory is of me and my sister at mike's house and we were playing "tag" with him. Most of the memories are at my grandmothers house, They started off just babysitting him for Mike when he went on Buisiness trips, and when my mom couldn't. Eventually he gave Herbie to my grandparents, because my mom couldn't keep him at that time.

When I was younger my sister Katie and I would dress him up in all of these riduculous clothes, one year we got these alien antenas with stars on them for the fourth of july and put them on his head.I believe there is a picture of him somewhere of that. I also remember sneaking him bites of people food even though we were told not to so. I remember running through the house with his blue baby blanket in my hand with him chasing me close behind trying to get it. He was such a hyper little dog when he was younger. As we both grew older he grew to sleep more, and I grew to love other things.I wish I had only taken the time to spend it with him, if I had known I would be saying goodbye to him this year, three months ago I would have spent all of the time in the world with that dog.

There is one memory that still gets me, and I don't know how I will be able to sleep at my grandparents house without this when I visit. He would run between the rooms at night, litterally from one room to another, he would scratch at the guest bedroom door if I had shut it, I would turn on the light open the door and set him up on the bed, which he couldn't jump on anymore as he once did in his youthful days, just 2 weeks ago he did just as I have described here.He was a great dog, and a friendly dog, I don't believe any other dog could ever be as calm, yet playful as Herbie was, I do not believe any other dog could ever come close to Herbie.We had planned on getting my grandparents another Shih tzu puppy for christmas as a companion to Herbie, but now that has changed as it would be too painful for another dog to be in that house, and my rnadparents have made it clear they do not want another pet.

I went to my grandparents hosue yesterday, before his burial, and I wanted to see his dog bed or blanket, they weren't there where they once had been, they were bagged up and were being given to an animal shelter this week, I told my grandmother I wanted one thing, and that was his blanket, she quickly made it a point to tell me that he was to be buried with it, wrapped up in it.I then requested that I could have the only toy he played with even after the cancer had hit him. His ugly purple monkey toy. She agreed, and I believe I am getting the toy sometime this weekend. I plan to set it upon my computer with my other (small) stuffed animals(there are two right now) I only wish I had more time to say goodbye, and I knew he was being put down, yet all I did was pet his head and walk off, no words were escaped the night before he passed on to the heavens.I could have sworn last night, I could smell his coat, just as it was after he had been groomed, but It was a dream.I once read an article somewhere, about a little 4 year old boy who had lost his dog, he said that we are on earth to learn to love, and be kind, and that dogs and cats are on here for a short time because they are born knowing how to love, and be kind. Those words now have so much meaning, because he was right all animals are born knowing how to love.

-Tori

Herbie, My Little Angel

Herbie, an 11 year odl shih tzu with bone cancer was layed to rest this morning, although he doesn't belong to me but rather my grandparents I am still very close to him. I am a teen who is trying to deal with the loss of my furbaby angel.


A note to Herbie

My Beloved Herbie,You entered my life when I was 4 years old, and you were a little one year old puppy then. I remember when My mom's friend Mike first brought you home. I remember dressing you up as an Alien dog one year, I believe I was seven. Not once did you ever bite or snap at me or Katie. I remember you barking for Ice water, or to have your toy box knocked over, and how you snored as you slept. I remember how you carried arround the Blue Baby Blanket Granny gave you, and how when I took it you would chase me through the house trying to get it, Oh how I Wish You were able to do that in your older days. You did have spurts of hyperness, even after you got the cancer my sweet sweet angel. Although Your body is now an empty shell you left on earth, you can now spread your wings and be with Jesus and God, as an Angel.My heart is broken that you had to go,and I know you hate to see so many sad on your account, but today the world lost a sweet angelic dog, and the Heavens gained one.You are Missed, and Loved dearly herbie, Absent from our homes but never from our hearts.I know you are not in pain, or illness and have been restored to youth and vigor, I know that god has made you an angel, and has made you better, and the cancer is gone. We weren't ready to lose you my Herbie, and we wish you could have held on a bit longer, although we know it would not be a good life for you here, being ill and in pain. You wait for Granny or Papa at The Rainbow Bridge, I know they miss you more than words or anything else can be expressed.10 years together has gone and passed, I only wish I had used my time with you more wisely.We lay your body on Granny and Papa's property in the woods under a tree, you were burried with your favorite blanket. We plan to plant flowers near your grave, and get a gardenstone with your name etched into it to mark the area where our beloved angel resides.I was told Granny held you the entire time as you passed on to Heaven.I wish you happiness and peace Herbie, My furry little angel I Miss you and Love you, absent from my sight but forever in my heart.

Love,
Tori