Being Angry, Working through my grief. Options

[Shauna]

In my original post "I can't believe it happened again", I outlined how my 14 month old kitten was killed by a car.

I tried to keep him inside, but other members of my family insisted on letting him out. At any rate, tragedy struck on November 9th, and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.

For the first two weeks I was so angry. I was so angry at my family that I wouldn't even look at them or talk to them. Then I realized that this was making my grief worse. I could punish them for the rest of my lives but it would never bring my sweet Tiggy back. Furthermore, they never meant for him to be killed. I don't excuse their actions of letting him out against my wishes, but I do forgive them.

For the first few weeks I thought I was losing my mind. Somehow I managed to keep my life together will school and work. I really don't know how I got through. This week I've been feeling less crazy but the sadness and longing lingers. I think I've only gone two night without breaking down into tears.

I spoke to a counselor at school because I didn't want to face this alone. He recommended several strategies. He suggested I keep a journal. I already do this - a grief journal. I outline my journey through grief and also write letters to my boy. I started this journal when my first cat died in 2000. Never thought I'd have to use it again, but I did.

Sometimes grief brings us to a very dark place, especially if we feel there is blame to be placed either on ourselves or another. I have also found my loss has made me profoundly sensitive to the losses and personal tradgedies of others.

Here is a particulary angry journal entry I wrote a week after he died.

I hate...
Inward
Outward
Everything
Everyone
Anger fills me
Just give me a reason to hate you and I will
It's nothing personal,
The anger has to flow somewhere.
May as well be you.
Today I hate.
I hate my family, my friends, my past, my present, my future.
I hate my place on this earth, and I hate this world.
The headline reads "More child death cases revealed"
I was to smash the newspaper vending machine.
I want to scream "What the **** is wrong with you people!?!"
But it's a cold dark world.
And we hate.


The anger has since subsided and given way to other emotions on the berevement spectrum. Anger isn't a particulary pretty emotion, but it certainly accompanies the grief procession. What are the experiences of anger with others who have lost a beloved pet?

[SJ J & S]

Anger isn't a particulary pretty emotion, but it certainly accompanies the grief procession

Anger is a very ugly emotion but it lets out reams and reams of grief when you are ready.

Obviously, it must be realesed safely if it is bottled up it explodes at the worst possible times, and usually to the person that just doesnt deserve it.

I cant recommend enough times the screaming into a pillow or even punching a pillow.

Go on, no ones home the house is empty, who will know just screaaaamm - watch it though i did this while driving one day and had a sore throat for a week

Make sure your family know you love them, they are probably feeling awful.

Love Sue

[bearbear]

shauna - i don't remember exactly what i replied to your anger in your first post, just that i couldn't, at the time, forgive my wife for her role in my bear's "premature" demise. who am i to say what is premature or before its time? i can't create life from nothing, i can only take it away(temporarily!). your thoughts on anger are RIGHT ON!!! i feel exactly like that. in those first days most of my suppressed anger was directed at my wife - most of my open anger was directed at myself-and GOD!!! sue's advice about hitting a pillow is a very good one. you can severely bruise your middle knuckle if you take your anger out on your computer screen!!! (i've done that more than once- i'm not that smart-lol). i'm not good at getting my emotions out with tears; i think if i start , i will never be able to stop. that is why it is easier for me to vent with anger -i will eventually come to my senses(hopefully). no-i know that i will-that my LOVE is much stronger than my hate. GODS love is stronger than hate could ever be and when it is all said and done the "rainbow bridge" will be opened for all human caregivers who want to cross over and we WILL once again be able to love and be loved by our precious furbabies!!! love ron in pa

[AngelBaby]

Shauna -

I just brought your post back up because your journal entry (poem?) about anger - which I just saw today is so "self-revealing". I felt a lot of those same emotions but wouldn't admit it to myself. After you say goodbye to your baby you are suddenly exposed to those raw emotions. That's why I said in a recent post that I felt like I was in hell. However, I have started to feel the love on the other side of the spectrum now (after three months). And feel a changed person for it. But a very lonely person too, lonely for my baby. I wish I could go back to the way things were!!

I think in the grieving process I am now in the "trying to move forward" phase. I am really dragging my feet on this one.

[ImissToty]

Shauna, Angelbaby, Bearbear, SJJ & S,

What you might find helpful is what I did a few days ago, when I was so angry my whole body was tensed up. I took a pillow and threw it at the wall with as much force as I could muster (accompanied by not a little verbal offloading!) You could use any object (but preferrably not something like a valuable piece of furniture as I've used in the past; altho a tired, old chair might thank you for putting it out of its misery!), and either punch, throw, or stamp on it as hard as you can.

Or you could go for a good old Greek style plate-smashing session, if you have any old crocks. Even just a bit of foot stamping might help you feel masses better by releasing the tension of pent up anger.

This might not sound like much, but you know I felt loads better after doing this. It was a way of redirecting my anger out of my body and into the pillow and wall.

In fact, I can feel another 'anger fit' coming on again as I write..... this is a technique that's used in councilling, and it's helped me loads on many occasions!

See what you think?

Look after yourselves and be really kind to yourselves,

Toty's mum

[MissingRuby]

Im so angry right now at everything. My dog died on freakin Christmas you know!! How much worse can it get! All I have been doing is listening to angry kinds of music when I feel the anger come again. I so know what you mean.

[LS Support]

anger is part of the process, it is good to be angry (as long as it doesnt cause harm to you or others, of course).

tribble died on new years eve (after watching a live performance of Cats, no less). first couple of NYE's after that were really tough. but it does get better, and anger and sadness will one day turn to happier, warmer thoughts. guaranteed.

[ImissToty]

missingruby,

What a heartwrenching story!!!! That's so sad and horrible, that your wee girl had such a short life - my heart goes out to you in your loss - and what a horrendous day for this to happen :-(((((((((((

I hope you have flesh and blood friends who'll let you do all the talking and shouting and crying that you need to at the moment!

Please keep coming and keep writing and ....... know we're all here for you. I dunno where I'd be without all the heartfelt support that I've had the privilege of receiving from all the beautiful people here, it's kept me from cracking up and given me something to focus on and get me thru the day at the moment!

Hugs from ImissToty

[Gahagan]

Shuana, your journal entry (or poem) really hit home to me. My two boys were murdered (shot to death) by my neighbor on November 1, 2005. I would NEVER have though he would have done such a thing but he admits to it. Now, I am jaded, and have lost trust in nearly everyone. Kimba and Casper were their names. They were only a year old. They were littermates. I'm lost without them. The anger consumes me.
You should consider a future in journalism, creative writing, etc.
I've got to paste your poem here:

I hate...
Inward
Outward
Everything
Everyone
Anger fills me
Just give me a reason to hate you and I will
It's nothing personal,
The anger has to flow somewhere.
May as well be you.
Today I hate.
I hate my family, my friends, my past, my present, my future.
I hate my place on this earth, and I hate this world.
The headline reads "More child death cases revealed"
I was to smash the newspaper vending machine.
I want to scream "What the **** is wrong with you people!?!"
But it's a cold dark world.
And we hate.
By Shuana

[Cathi]

To Gahagan, I am so horrified reading about what happened to your 2 beautiful dogs and although I know this happens, it is so shocking. I can't imagine in my wildest mind WHY anyone or how anyone could hurt an innocent creature. I think we need stronger laws to prvent animal abuse and to punish those who do this. Was your neighbor punished in any way? Will he be? Can you sue him or something? If I was able, I would help you to find some kind of justice.

Your 2 gorgeous furbabies look so very much like my Tico who died of old age a few months ago. He was a mixed breed husky. What kind were your 2?

I sincerely hope that justice is done to this sleaze-representative of the most vile of humanity- your neighbor.

I hope somehow, you will be able to heal from this. I can't imagine how you can but I am sending some comforting thoughts to you.

Best
Cathi

[Gahagan]

Cathi,

Thank you for you sympathy. They are.... were White German Shepherds. They were littermates, brothers, only a year old. Unfortunately, we trusted "underground fencing" more than we should have. I'll probably eventually start a post with the whole story, but I'm just too upset at this very moment that it will have to wait until another time. Long story short. I live in the country. Only my immediate neighbors even knew I had these dogs because we watched them carefully to make sure they didn't run off. I own just under 9 acres.... lots of room for dogs to play. The only time they had even gone over to the close neighbors was when we were training them for the Underground Fencing. Then, we IMMEDIATELY retrieved the dogs. It had been months since they had left the yard at all and they wouldn't go even close to the "undergroud fence" flags. I was at work. My husband and the dogs went out in the morning, like any other morning. He went inside for just a couple minutes and in that time they darted. We don't know why.... perhaps a deer, maybe another dog. We will never know. Anyway, my husband heard gunshots and his heart sank. But then again he thought he may be jumping to conclusions since we live in an area where there is A LOT of hunting. He called me at work and told me he had been looking for the dogs for 3 hours so I left work, returned home, and helped search. We searched for days, posted fliers, talked to neighbors, etc. No one saw anything. We were sick. This all started on a Tuesday. By Thursday, I returned to work, thinking I couldn't justify missing another day. I returned from work Thursday evening to find my neighbor there with my dead dogs. The thing is, we had already spoken to him on Wednesday and he told us he hadn't seen our dogs and wished us luck in finding them. He lives about a mile away from us with two large dogs himself and empithized with the situation, saying people are afraid of large dogs and hopefully nothing happened to them. He has a small farm with two goats and one horse. He claims that our dogs were viciously attacking his goats and he had to shoot both my dogs. For many reasons, it is obvious this is a lie and later I will go into it. But not now. Suffice it to say, despite the so-called vicous attack, his goats were not injured.... not even a scratch. NOTHING. We contacted our lawyer and he did a lot of research on the law (and we did too) and the pathetic end to this story is that in Pennsylvania it is LEGAL to kill a dog that is even HARRASSING livestock. By the way, it is also legal to kill a dog that is chasing big game, like deer. This guy knew exactly what to say to make his actions legal and since my dogs were on his property it is his word against mine. Casper and Kimba didn't have an agressive bone in their bodies. The guy is a liar. Of couse he prooved that he is a liar when he denied killing them in the first place and let us drive miles and miles and walk for hours looking for our dogs. I know I said I'd keep it short.... unfortunately THIS is the short story.

[Shauna]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for keeping the thread alive. I haven't been on in awhile and was surprised to see it near the top. It just goes to show that anger freely flows when we lose someone we love, yet we supress this natural emotion due to societal ettiquete.

Gahagan, the story of your two beautfiul white dogs is a tradgedy. It turns my stomach to hear of experiences similar to yours where animals are purposefully harmed or killed. I could only imagine what a helpless, frustrated, and enraged anger you must be feeling over the pointless loss of your furbabies. Your neighbour - so heartless. You wonder what life experiences a person has had which would enable them to do such a thing. I cannot understand. His one thoughtless action has completely disrupted your world. And for what reason, what purpose? I'm so sorry for what this life has dealt you, all I could hope is that you are supported in your grief and somehow able to find comfort with time.

Missing Ruby, I'm sorry for the premature loss of your puppy. Gahagan, yourself, and myself have all lost furbabies early and unexpectedly. I read that when you lose someone you love, not only do you mourn the individual, you also mourn all the plans you had designed for your future together. I certainly did this with the loss of my Siamese cat (Tiggy).

During the holiday I was sad for the Christmas present he wouldn't be needing, I was sad for the miniture reindeer ears he wouldn't be wearing. I am sad for the day I won't be moving him into my next home, and for the moment when I won't introduce him to my future children. Tonight I am sad for the one year anniversary we are not currently sharing together. I think I'll always be sad for being denied the opportunity to watch him age and finally see what he looks like as an old man (I often wondered).

We don't just mourn what was, we mourn what would have been.

A conclusion I have reached throughout this experience is that we can make all the plans in the world but sometimes life's progression is totally out of our control. This is the point where many of us feel lost, enraged, insane even. Transition is a very difficult thing, let alone an unwanted transition involving grief and loss. It's so very hard to let go of a beloved pet. It's hard to forgive and it's hard to move on.

I still haven't verbalized my feelings of anger towards my family (which now surface infrequently). I can't decide if confronting them would help me or just hurt them and not help me. None of them even said "sorry" for not listening to me. In fact, after he died, my family members coped by avoiding the subject (as is household tradition when difficult topics/situations arise)

Luckily for me, I have great support outside the home including you folks who acutely understand this very real, intense, and unique grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved pet.

After loss, grieving is the emotional healing process. Not unlike the physical process of a body healing after injury/illness, it is lengthy, uncomfortable, and difficult.
God bless you all in this journey.
Shauna

[Cathi]

Shaunna, I'm also so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like it is terrible for you. I think I would have reacted the same way and been angry at my family for awhile. I see our pets as babies no matter how old they are because of their complete dependency on us.

Even though my dog didn't die like that,-- In fact it was our decision to have him put to sleep. ( He told us it was time in so many ways), I have still been through all the stages of grief including anger. Why do these, our best friends have to live such short lives? Why do they have to suffer? Questions like these have plagued me. Thank you for bringing up this subject which is a very important one in my view. I hope each day does get better for you and you can remember the good things. I sometimes have the overwhelming feeling of Tico being with me.

I am really missing him over the holidays because he always opened "his" presents and he always entertained everyone. He was the eternal teenager until his very last days.

May we all heal soon and find other furbabies to love ...

Cathi

[ImissToty]

Gahagan,

Loss of a beloved pet is one thing, but what's happened to your beautiful German Shepherds is really cutting me up!!

It may be of little comfort right now , but I'm convinced that, even if the law can't touch him (which is an outrage in itself!), this evil brute will definitely be reaping back all the suffering (thank God, your boys didn't have to endure much of this) and torment that he's 'sown' into your and your dogs' lives.

I've just read these words, and hope you don't mind my quoting:

"God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled ...."

- 2 Thessalonians 1:6

Be very gentle with yourself,

Love Marlene

Attached image(s)