Romeo Options

[Romeo's_daddy]

Hi. I'm writing because I unexpectedly loss my cat, Romeo, on Monday. This will be a long post because I feel the need to say everything that I'm dealing with in my head. Romeo was a Siamese that I found about 6 years ago. He was approx. 2 when I found him. I've had Siamese cats before but he was the first male cat I ever had. He was never much of a player or a talker, like Siamese are supposed to be. But he was the most lovable cat I ever owned. He would come into bed every night and curl up in my arm and go to sleep. Whenever I would kiss him or when he wanted to kiss me, he would look at my head and take his paws and push it down so he could "groom" me. He would lick my nose and never fail to try to take a bite of it at some point, usually but not always unsuccessful. He wasn't one of those cats that tries to steal a pen out of your hand or pick up anything he could with his mouth to play with it. He was just really mellow. I have a dog, a pug named Elvis, that I owned (and still own) when I brought Romeo into my home. They never bothered much with one another and in the rare occasions when Elvis would chase Romeo, it was like Romeo couldn't be bothered with trying to run away. He would just walk quickly and Elvis would run right over him, afterwhich they both had similar looks as if to say, "What the hell just happened???" Anyway, I added Juliet, a black domestic shorthair, about a year after I got Romeo. Now her and Elvis are in constant competition for my affection and she does things just to make Elvis angry. She drinks out of his water bowl, sleeps in his bed, steals his rawhide toys, and worst of all.....she just stares at him!!!

Anyway, I noticed a heavy builup of wax in Romeo's ear last week and thought he either had a ear infection or else ear mites. For as sweet as Romeo was at home, he was the exact opposite when it came to the vet. I brought him in Monday afternoon and first they tried muzzling him but they still couldn't get a look in his ear. They decided to sedate him and told me they would call me when it was ok to pick him up. They gave him 4 injections through the skin but were unable to sedate him to the point where he allow himself to be examined. Then they gave him sedation through IV and finally they were able to examine him. You can probably guess now what caused him to die. The thing is, when they put him back in his cat carrier and called me to come pick him up, he was still alive. So I got there and picked him up and I figured he was out cold. I think deep deep down I knew something wasn't right, but who would think your vet would give you back a dead cat??? I took him in the car and opened the carrier and put my hand on his side and I didn't feel him breathing, but still, I figured he was just passed out and I just couldn't feel him breathing, you know? When I got him home I took the lid off the carrier and it looked like he was laying on top of head. So I readjusted him and noticed his tongue was sticking out and it looked sort of greyish. So then I took him out of the cage completely and tried to listed for a heartbeat. Now I'm not a vet and he had a lot of hair so I figured maybe I'm not listening right or maybe I'm hearing my own blood in my ears. I called the vet and told them I didn't think he was breathing and they suggested acouple things to which I got no response from Romeo, at which point I rushed him back to the vet. I knew he was dead but part of me still was clinging to the belief that he was ok, they would make him ok again. When they finally confirmed he was dead I asked for a couple minutes alone with him and I cried and apologized to him and did all those things you do when someone you love has died. I've read the article on this site about feelings of guilt. I know I gave him a good home. I know I loved him. I know I was trying to help him. I know all of that. But I also know he died all alone in a cage and I was the one who brought him to that place. I wasn't there to say goodbye to him. I cried over him and apologized to him and told him I loved him, but he was already dead. And I can't get the picture of him lying dead on the table with his tongue blue and sticking out and his eyes still open out of my head. I can't get the picture of him alone in that cat carrier dying, all by himself, out of my head. How do I get over that? How do I ever make it right with him when I can never kiss him or scratch him or hold him again?