Hi. I'm writing because I unexpectedly loss my cat, Romeo, on Monday. This will be a long post because I feel the need to say everything that I'm dealing with in my head. Romeo was a Siamese that I found about 6 years ago. He was approx. 2 when I found him. I've had Siamese cats before but he was the first male cat I ever had. He was never much of a player or a talker, like Siamese are supposed to be. But he was the most lovable cat I ever owned. He would come into bed every night and curl up in my arm and go to sleep. Whenever I would kiss him or when he wanted to kiss me, he would look at my head and take his paws and push it down so he could "groom" me. He would lick my nose and never fail to try to take a bite of it at some point, usually but not always unsuccessful. He wasn't one of those cats that tries to steal a pen out of your hand or pick up anything he could with his mouth to play with it. He was just really mellow. I have a dog, a pug named Elvis, that I owned (and still own) when I brought Romeo into my home. They never bothered much with one another and in the rare occasions when Elvis would chase Romeo, it was like Romeo couldn't be bothered with trying to run away. He would just walk quickly and Elvis would run right over him, afterwhich they both had similar looks as if to say, "What the hell just happened???" Anyway, I added Juliet, a black domestic shorthair, about a year after I got Romeo. Now her and Elvis are in constant competition for my affection and she does things just to make Elvis angry. She drinks out of his water bowl, sleeps in his bed, steals his rawhide toys, and worst of all.....she just stares at him!!!

Anyway, I noticed a heavy builup of wax in Romeo's ear last week and thought he either had a ear infection or else ear mites. For as sweet as Romeo was at home, he was the exact opposite when it came to the vet. I brought him in Monday afternoon and first they tried muzzling him but they still couldn't get a look in his ear. They decided to sedate him and told me they would call me when it was ok to pick him up. They gave him 4 injections through the skin but were unable to sedate him to the point where he allow himself to be examined. Then they gave him sedation through IV and finally they were able to examine him. You can probably guess now what caused him to die. The thing is, when they put him back in his cat carrier and called me to come pick him up, he was still alive. So I got there and picked him up and I figured he was out cold. I think deep deep down I knew something wasn't right, but who would think your vet would give you back a dead cat??? I took him in the car and opened the carrier and put my hand on his side and I didn't feel him breathing, but still, I figured he was just passed out and I just couldn't feel him breathing, you know? When I got him home I took the lid off the carrier and it looked like he was laying on top of head. So I readjusted him and noticed his tongue was sticking out and it looked sort of greyish. So then I took him out of the cage completely and tried to listed for a heartbeat. Now I'm not a vet and he had a lot of hair so I figured maybe I'm not listening right or maybe I'm hearing my own blood in my ears. I called the vet and told them I didn't think he was breathing and they suggested acouple things to which I got no response from Romeo, at which point I rushed him back to the vet. I knew he was dead but part of me still was clinging to the belief that he was ok, they would make him ok again. When they finally confirmed he was dead I asked for a couple minutes alone with him and I cried and apologized to him and did all those things you do when someone you love has died. I've read the article on this site about feelings of guilt. I know I gave him a good home. I know I loved him. I know I was trying to help him. I know all of that. But I also know he died all alone in a cage and I was the one who brought him to that place. I wasn't there to say goodbye to him. I cried over him and apologized to him and told him I loved him, but he was already dead. And I can't get the picture of him lying dead on the table with his tongue blue and sticking out and his eyes still open out of my head. I can't get the picture of him alone in that cat carrier dying, all by himself, out of my head. How do I get over that? How do I ever make it right with him when I can never kiss him or scratch him or hold him again?

I am so sorry that your Romeo had to die that way. They must have known when they put him in the carrier that something was terribly wrong with him. Maybe he was already gone when they placed him in the carrier, were you there when they put him in or did they bring him out to you. I am so sorry for your broken heart and the unfairness of it all. He sounds like he was a wonderful boy. Come and post often sometimes it is quiet around here at night but come morning the others start coming on. We all share in each others tears and pain.
Ann

Before I even picked him up they told me he was carrying on when they put him into his carrier. They also told me to make sure I put him in a room with the door to the carrier open and let him come out when he wants to because cats don't always recovery from anesthesia "gracefully". I truly believe they thought he was alive when they gave him to me. What get's me is 1) How can you not check the carrier before you bring it out to me, and 2) Given the amount of anesthetic given, how could you not monitor him more closely? I've gone to this vet for years and she has been a wonderful vet. But this time she screwed up. She's not so arrogant that she doesn't realize this. She has to know she screwed up. But even with all that it doesn't lessen my sorrow or my pain. Romeo is still dead and even though I know it wasn't my fault, I still feel so sad. I can only be thankful that it wasn't my fault because then I truly don't know how much worse I could possibly feel...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your Romeo sounds like he was indeed a very unique cat and it's good to hear what a great relationship the two of you had.

Losing Romeo the way you did is truly tragic and I know not being able to say goodbye is hard to accept. Find comfort in knowing Romeo left this world knowing how much he was loved. You gave him a wonderful life and even though you couldn't be there with him in death, I know he won't hold it against you.

The truth is there is no good way to lose a pet. It doesn't really seem to matter how we lose them, the end result is always the same: a broken heart that feels like it will never mend.

All of us here at LS fully understand and share your pain. Keep coming here and talking with us about Romeo---just talking about your life with him with other pet lovers will help more than you can imagine. Once again, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

__Jim

it makes me sad that it seems something like an ear infection should not have ended like this. I am up late tonight because I lost my dog 7 wks ago, for some reason tonight the moments of car hitting him and breaking his back is playing over in my mind. It is truely a stuggle, I dont know how to stop those moments from playing over and over in my mind, I just cry. It is so hard to lose them so hard. I truely feel your pain, we are all here in pain, we type our feelings of pain, guilt, it's a way of dealing with things. Sounded like a very cool cat. I'm sorry for your loss. Pamela

Dear Romeo's_Daddy:

Hi there. My name is Denise, and I'm known as "Muffins" - Ernestine's Mom.....

I've been sitting here reading your letter about four times, and I must say that, "Something just doesn't sound
right"..................

Of course, at this time, there is really nothing that can be done..........but, to me, the cir%%stances just don't
sound right........... You know????''

Hmmmm...................an 8 year old kitty........I'm not sure......

But, right now..........it's very, very late..........and this is something that I need to "sleep on"......I do "my best
thinking" when I am WIDE AWAKE...................and that...........I'm not right now.............

Please, any other information that you have to add, please do so......Okay?????

Thanks...................

Goodnight and God Blesss You..........

Love, Denise xo

p.s. PLEASE.............KEEP WRITING..........WHENEVER YOU WANT..........WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.........THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE HERE TO TALK WITH YOU, MY FRIEND.............
in Lightning Strike, you have found many, many new friends...........
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT...............OKAY????


TAKE GOOD CARE!!!!!

Dear Romeo's Daddy,

I am SO sorry for your loss. Since this started as an ear problem, I can't imagine how devastating it must feel to end this way.

My mother had a Siamese cat named Jennifer. She took her to the vet for some minor surgery. The vet called later and told her that poor Jennifer didn't recover from the anesthesia. He told my mother that Jennifer was SO extremely worked up over the surgery, that she gave herself a heart attack. I thought about that when I read your story. She felt the same pain and guilt that you are feeling now. However, you were just taking care of Romeo, bu having the wax build-up checked out. I wouldn't have done anything differently then what you did.

I think Jim pointed out something that is very important, though. We have all lost our loving furbabies in many different ways, yet we ALL share the same feelings that you are now. There is alot of guilt and alot of pain shared from us all. I had prepared myself for Rachael's death, and drove her myself to the vet that would end her suffering. I was there holding her pretty face in my hands when she took her last breath. Yet, I have STILL battled guilt feelings and tears for almost 8 weeks now. I have a co-worker that lost her beloved furcat many years ago. When I lost my Rachael recently, she immediately broke into tears and shared the regret that she still feels for not deciding to be with her furbaby when a vet ended his suffering. I guess I am starting to ramble, but I only want you to understand that you should not feel guilty. Romeo's passing would be painful for you, whether you were there with him or not. We all loved our furbabies and we all hurt, no matter what cir%%stances took their lives. I would feel a little comfort that Romeo was probably still under some of the sedation, and didn't suffer. You have enough to deal with in your pain. The guilt won't help you or Romeo. Romeo passed on to Rainbow Bridge with TONS of love in his life and heart. That makes you both so lucky to have shared the years you had together. The years are never long enough, but I feel so blessed and priviledged to have had the years I did with Rachael. There will NEVER EVER be another furbaby like her, but I am learning to live with her memories and spirit in peace now.

In time you will start to remember more of the good times with Romeo. I honestly don't picture my Rachael after she passed, as much as I used to. I think I have read and heard from everyone that saw their precious furbaby pass, that the imagine is overwhelming and they fear it will be all they remember. Please take some comfort in knowing that time will eventually heal these wounds and nightmares.

Unfortunately it will take time. You will just have to take that long dark painful journey to get to the other bright side. The more you cry and express your pain though, the faster the journey will go towards healing. You MUST forgive yourself. Our furbabies were the most forgiving and understanding forces in our lives. So deep down, you must know that Romeo doesn't blame you and forgives you.

Please visit here often and write as much as you need to. We are all healing together, and everyone in here is so caring and compassionate

Cheri

I just wanted to thank those of you kind enough to offer your support. I have so many mixed emotions but I think for me the toughest are getting over the fact that I couldn't say goodbye to him properly, and getting used to the fact that so many of the things he did that I never gave much thought to, are the things that I now miss the most. Little things mostly. I came home from food shopping tonight and I miss the noise of him thinking he's hidden in a paper shopping bag with half his body still sticking out.

You're not alone. I'm sorry to here about Romeo. It's sad that what seemed like such a simple malady went so wrong.

My Ava dog passed away 3 months ago. I don't know exactly what she died from other than old age, she was up there in years and it really doesn't matter whether what killed her has a name or not, she's gone. I had put her out 3 months ago tonight after her indoor visit time and her dinner. The next day when I went to let her in, I found her at the bottom of the back porch stairs. Like you, I never got to say good bye either. That still bothers me quite a bit and probably always will.

Yes. The little things, that could even be considered petty annoyances, are missed dearly. My old cat that passed on several years ago used to do that partially hidden in the bag routine. She also used to try and hide in the snow, she was a dark tortose shell so she stuck out like a sore thumb.