My Dog Died, And I Feel Dead Inside Please Help Options

[crazycatwoman]

hi all

im a first time poster and never even knew pet loss forums exsisted until about 20 mins ago when i found this one. I was having what i would consider a panic attack, i think thats what it was, i felt the exact same way as i did when i heard picasso was injured... i had this scared, horrible feeling inside me.... I really need help, and understanding, please bear with me as some of the things i have to get out and say will sound a bit nutty, i logically know this but cant help how i feel

my dog Picasso, a 1 1/2 year old chihuahua/ Jack Russel mix, died September 29,2004, so a week ago yesterday. He was hit by a car. My dad didnt see the car coming, Picasso was across the road, my dad is really old so he cant hear, and he said Here Boy....and called him out right in front of a car......

i adopted Picasso July 31,2004 from a pound on his last day, he was scheduled to be put to sleep that night but i happened upon his picture on a internet site and went and got him. I saved him.

It was not a rash decision i had wanted a little dog for years but my dad would not let me have one . So i just took the plunge, it was i would save him or he would die, so i adopted him against my dads wishes, even though i have to live with my dad until i get married in december and my husband is here ( he is english , thats why i dont have my own place yet, we are saving money)

The first day i got my dog, my dad saw him and went nuts, said i would be sorry for getting him , went on and on, chewed me out for about 3 hours. My dad is very controlling , he is 83, i was born when he was 60, so weve never had much in common and he always finds something wrong with whatever i do

well i had to go to work the next day, i worked 9 hours a day, and it turned out Picasso didnt like being left alone, would cry and howl if he was left for even 10 seconds, so i paid my mother who does not live with my dad to babysit him at her house. My parents are not divorced, they are not divorcing, she had to move out to get custody of her grandkids, we didnt have room enough for them. anyways......

One day my mom was busy so he left my dog with my dad while i was at work, well my dad fell for my dog, fell completely in Love . From then on he monopolized all of my dogs time, and even when i had days off wouldnt let me spend much time with Picasso.

I didnt mind my dad loving Picasso, i figured it was better for my little dog to have someone who loved him watching him, and my dad did alot of good things for him, spoiled him . But the problem was, he took over my dog

I would be spending my day off with my dog and my dad would come and get him, and my dog liked my dad more then he liked me so he wanted to go with my dad, i was not going to force him to stay with me. On the rare occassion my dog slept with me instead of my dad, my dad would open my room door with his key at 6 am and my dog would go with him

about a month before my dog was hit by the car, i saw my dad not keeping him on a leash , when he went from his car to my moms house, well my mom lives next to a road and i told both of my parents, and all three of my neices that live with my mom, Picasso is a dog, he is smart, he can do every trick, but he is still a dog, he does not know cars are dangerous, i told them he is going to get hit if you dont keep him on a leash from the car to the house, and vice versa..... so they all promised they would

Well on September 29 my dad had my dog as usual ....i was sleeping in , i had been up sick all night.... it was about noon , i hear pounding on my door and screaming, my mother was screaming Amber get out here your dog has been hit by a car, so i put shoes on and went to the vet

Picasso looked happy to see me , i held him and told him it was ok, that i loved him, he looked ok, he looked like he was going to live

I didnt know it at first but Little Picasso was broken and bleeding ... his hip and back legs were broken, there was not a vet availible( i live in a dink, pathetic town) , a good samaritan who was there buying food for his pet, happened to be a retired vet,

he took over and started treating Picasso, tried giving him a Iv, couldnt get it in his leg, so they got one in his neck. While they were doing this i saw huge blood clots and blood run out of his Penis.....i knew then it was really bad

they treated him for shock, and put him on oxygen and on a heated table, the vet that was trying to treat him, ordered us to leave, so we went out to our car, he came out and was getting in his car, i jumped out of our car and said where are you going ......he was like.......its not good, his chances are not good....

i asked him, well begged him, to do surgery and stop whatever was bleeding, he said he thought picasso had ruptured his kidneys or his liver, his back legs were broken, and that his pelvis was broken .. ( he said you cant repair and stop that type of bleeding, even if you try they have to be stablized first) .... then he got in his car and left

I feel so angry , because the people who worked there, paged their normal two vets, one is the owner of the clinic, but noone ever showed up, after about 20 mins had gone by and no vet had arrived i started freaking out and i called every vet in our town, its hard to believe but not one vet was in their clinic or availible, i called cell phones, no one would help me

I went into the room where Picasso was, and told him i loved him, tried to comfort him, he was trying to move and making horrible little noises, i told him i was so sorry that this happened, and that he was the best dog that ever lived, that i couldnt have asked for a better dog

i went back out and started fighting with the receptionist woman, and she called to another town about 30 mins away, got a vet who agreed to meet us there, well we wrapped up Picasso, left his iv in , and myself and my dad drove like crazy trying to get him to a vet, but he died in my arms about 5 mins into the trip

I feel so cheated , and angry , im angry that there was not vet there, im angry that the man that started to help us just didnt tell me he is going to die anyways so i could have put him down and prevented him suffering another hour , im angry that my dad let him get hit by a car after i had warned him of the danger, and predicted this would happen a month before it did, im angry at myself for not taking more pictures of him, and most of all im angry at god because i feel he made a Huge mistake he cheated Piccasso......

He was just a baby, and he was taken, i dont understand why god would do this to Picasso, who had a whole family that loved him, everytoy a dog could want, he was fed Tuna or Sardines every day because he wouldnt eat dog food, Picasso had just started to see what a good life was........ there are millions of homeless, and suffering animals he could have taken and relived their pain ......why my Picasso?

Im mad at myself because I saved him from the pound, then i trusted him with stupid people and he suffered a horrible death

The only reason i didnt tell my dad off , and tell him its my dog, get your own, is i had to work long hours anyways, my dad is 83, has cancer, and they made each other happy.....but now i wish i had just told him off and my dog would still be alive ......

Most of all , i feel so bad for Picasso....... i know he hurt,was scared, suffered, and i was helpless...... now im left with my own grief, and my dads, he cries everyday, wont eat, is not at all dealing with it ......

he misses the little dog horribly, and feels guilty for calling him out infront of a car..i dont say anything about being mad to my dad, because i dont want to be cruel, and i couldnt make him feel anyworse then he does already anyways........

I feel worse for my dad then i do myself, which is hard because i feel extreme anger at him for not doing what i asked, keeping him on a leash by that road would have saved his life....... a simple request that they didnt do , and who suffered, Picasso

Im mad at the woman who ran him over, she saw him on the side of the road, she could have slowed down , or stopped so my dad could get to him , she stopped once she hit him, said sorry and drove off

I wonder if she realizes how many people she's hurt, the hurt she has caused by not showing a little caution and compassion is immeasurable ......

Im sorry this is so long, but im just absolutely grief stricken, and ive lost my faith. I feel either god cheated Picasso, so he is a ~~ty god, a cruel god , or there is no god at all and Picasso was just at the wrong place at the wrong time........

i hope someone can help me either feel better about my dog, or help me even in the smallest way to get rid of the hate in my heart for god

thanks in advance

amber