How Do I Stop Crying?, My friend is gone forever Options

[LoveThem]

My beautiful long-haired black cat (my boy) is gone forever. I had to make an instant decision on 9/10 to put him down. The vet said his chest was full of fluid and his gums were blue from very little oxygen. He had struggled to come from the back of our home to the front room to lie down on one side with his mouth open. It was so scary. He got up and moved a couple of feet and did it again. I thought he had died. We rushed him to the vet and he was put on oxygen. The fact he was 16 years old, had lost weight over the past few weeks...well, the vet guessed at a cancer somewhere in his body and what they would have had to do to help him survive maybe 4 weeks, or maybe the next day it would be another emergency to drain his chest. That draining causes a lot of pain. I couldn't let him suffer but I didn't want to let him go either. So the instant decision to put him down. Now I can't stop crying everyday. He was so gentle and sweet. I miss him so. I thought how I had told the vet that purring seemed to choke him up; she said she never heard of that. I said he sits with his tongue hanging out a little. She didn't know what that meant. I saw a picture on the Internet of a cat who was having trouble breathing and his tongue looked just like my boy's. Maybe if the vet understood breathing problems she might have been able to do something before something horrible went wrong all of a sudden and his chest filled with so much fluid, he could not breathe hardly at all. I didn't know when I scooped him up, it would be the last time I would hold him. I've thought about getting a new pet which would be a distraction (I've done that before and it helped) but my husband said it is too soon and he is not ready and we gave away all the cat food and he was upset that if we got another cat or kitten we would have to buy food again. I don't know how to answer that. I have had dogs and cats all my life and believed that when one goes it may be God's way of making a home available for one that needs it. 16 years is the longest I ever had an animal and it was wonderful. I've been to the Emergency Room since and am undergoing GI tests. I think my grief is affecting my digestive system and I don't know how to stop it. This cat was the last to go of 3 kittens originally born in our yard and he was my favorite. Grief is easier to bear when there is at least one other animal at home, at least for me. Thanks for listening. I needed to talk. I would try those Pet Loss Hotlines but they are only at night and I don't want to upset my husband by talking to them when he is here.
I read all everyone's stories and I feel for all of you. We love them so much, that's why there is so much pain. But I wouldn't have not had them to avoid the pain that comes in the future. It is never never easy. I don't know how to bottle my grief.

[xrayspex]

Do not "bottle" your grief. You must allow yourself to feel that pain. It is essential to our healing as humans.

I cried for days after my baby died. I still do from time to time. It is the anniversarry of her death 1 year ago on Novenber 10th. I have begun to cry again. You will feel a reprieve from the grief evevtually and in your own time. Everyone is different. Don't rush yourself and don't let anyone else rush you. When it comes to a new pet in the house all should be in agreement. The animal will sense distress if that is present so both you and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to recieving a new pet into your home. Don't rush that either. You need to grieve your lost one first. This goes back to the beginning statement. You must embrace that grief. It is the only way through it. Cry if you must but do not deny it. I will watch for you

Take care my friend...........

[myhrtisbrkn]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved kitty. And I know what it is like to feel you have to hide your grief from your husband. When our, Mack died my h, even though he loved our boy as much as I, couldn't stand to see me cry. This forum saved my life.

Mack and Sadie's Mom,
Dayna

[kittymomma]

We just lost our cat to cancer two weeks ago today and it just eats you up everyday. You MUST go through the grief, no matter how painful. I was okay for a few days and even smiling and remembering funny little things, then last night, the pain smacked me again. It is not a straight road from pain to acceptance. You will go back and forth through emotions you never knew could rock you so hard. I am learning to live with it and know that my baby is no longer sick, or has to suffer the drainings that he did in his abdomen for months. They were not as brutal as chest drainings but we still felt for him everytime he went in. You will come through your pain. Just know your beloved furchild is with you all the time, if not physically, but in spirit and love. He will love you forever just as you love him...
Please allow yourself to grieve, it is the only road out of the pain. We are all here to help one another. I just found this site myself a week ago and it has been a blessing to have so much love and compassion from those who know how you are feeling. Please share your pain with us and pictures and we will be here for you and eachother.
Orion's Mommy, Susan

[LoveThem]

xrayspex(John): You're right..I can't bottle the grief..that's why I still cry freely. As to a new pet..yes all must agree. I thought it would help me if I talked about it without any decision but we all react differently to grief and all of a sudden I just felt alone.

myhrtisbrkn(Dayne): My husband too grieves for our boy. He doesn't like to see me upset especially when he can't make it go away. I understand that. We put his favorite down (a twin to mine) in 2002 and he said he never felt such grief (his family were not pet people). He learned to love animals from our marriage. He really worries more than I do and that's saying something. Right now he is just relieved he doesn't have to worry. He doesn't realize a new pet gives you good time for years before this happens again. I guess I want the healthy time again and the love these pets give us so freely.
He told me to volunteer at the SPCA but if I fell in love and couldn't bring the pet home, I would feel worse than I do right now. They have cat condos and I picture the 2 of us going to visit and seeing who approaches us. I kind of want to wait some more also and then I see pictures on the Internet of who needs a home and my heart just goes out to them.
Kittymomma(Susan): I'm sorry about your baby. I just joined here and will have to learn how to put a picture of my Little Guy here, as you suggested. My problem is I can't stop grieving...the tears just keep coming. I accepted this suffering when I chose to end his suffering rather than hold onto him because I didn't want to let him go.
Thanks to all for their thoughts, suggestions, and well wishes. (Judy)LoveThem

[kittymomma]

I understand completely...I am in the same place. It is the only way out of the grief to cry and let yourself feel it. You cannot bottle it up, it will only come out later. We have decided to get a new kitten after the first of the year to liven things up in the house, we still have 3 cats, but we would add a hundred we have so much love to give. We are here for you when you need us and I know I have come here and cried while I posted and read other's threads. It is somewhat soothing to know we are not alone. You don't have to bear this burden of sorrow by yourself. Come here and post and talk about your boy. It WILL help get those feelings out and help you to grow past them.
To post a picture, you can always upload your pics to a photo sharing site like Photobucket and transfer them here. I just learned myself and it is easy once you get the hang of it. We would love to hear about your boy and see pictures. Sharing helps, believe me I know. It is 2 weeks today that we lost Orion...
Iwill be praying for you and please do keep coming here. There are so many who understand and share with you this experience.
susan

[tikkanen]

LoveThem, I am sorry for your loss. It is always hard, painful and not fair. I know you will get through this, it always happens tht way, you will. In your initial post where you said when one passes it opens up a place for one who needs a home, you are right. You also have the heart to love another when it is time. When it IS time, another will come to you and you will know it is right. Don't worry about having given away cat food etc, it is of no consequence. Rather just know what I say is true, that when it is time another will come to you, and when he/she comes to you it is when THEIR time is right,when they need your love, not our time, or our need to love another, and that in all essence is the right time. Until then rest in the knowledge all here understand, care, freely give a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you and hold you and yours in their prayers.

Be Well,

mark

[toonie]

Dear LoveThem I am sorry for your loss. I know how terrible it must feel to be catless in the house, I feel it all the time in my own house as I lost my two cats this time last year. Your cat was 16 years old, you did so well by him, your good care let him live a very good life. But I know this is no consolation when all we want is to have them back!!!. My husband too didn't like to see me grieve, I think they just don't know how to handle our sadness and they would want us to shelve it, something they can do easier than us for some reason or another. He tried to hug me a lot but I wanted my cats, not someone I already have though how I know I would litteraly go crazy if I had lost HIM : I just had to spend a lot of time by myself, and get it out. I am better a year later, but that loss will be felt forever, and this too is normal when you love as much....But I see the future with more optimism, I will try to make a good life anyways.
It's taken me a year to get there, it does get better. For now, I don't see any more
kitties in my house, we are getting older and would like to travel eventually, last time we went to see my husband's family overseas we paid over a thousand dollars more just to leave on the Thursday night spend the weekend with the family and be back home on the Tuesday night. My cats were worth not spending too much time away.
My son's pediatrician had been right when he started allergies two weeks after we got our cats in 1993. This year he had no allergies, he had had them for 13 years, tests said he was allergic to grasses but I guess the cats gave him allergies too because he's okay now finally at the ripe old age of 20 What this all means is I can not have cats inside the house, I do have barn cats and I treat them like king barn cats, my husband wouldn't have let me spoil them like that but since my heartache he lets this be.... I still grieve but I am starting to like my life a lot more than last year at this time. Take care, it will get better and I wish you lots of new things happening to you a year from now.

[LoveThem]

JackJackbojack (Joanne): Thanks for joining in my replies. I'm so sorry about what you and your baby went through. I'm glad you changed vets. No matter what the story is, your last paragraph sums it all up beautifully and correctly.
Keep in touch.

toonie: Thanks for your thoughts. I think the catless word really hits home. We started with 3, all related so all the same age. The first one was hard but we had 2 others to take care of. The 2nd was last year but we had 1 left...Little Guy. Now he is gone and we miss all the good things about him. He loved to race from one end of our home to the other and I always yelled "Freight Train!" as he ran past. Or, he walked into the living room so deliberately we used to say "Here comes John Wayne". That's all gone now. He was 16 in May and even though in July I felt something was slightly different, he was still jumping around in August just 3 weeks before his breathing emergency. You mentioned allergies. Well, I have always been allergic to cats' dander. If I pet a cat and then rubbed my eyes, they would get red and itchy. If I washed my hands right away, I had no problem.
I'm glad that was all there was to my allergy so I was able to have my twin boys and a girl for so long. Take care. I know the future will be better but where I am right now is the problem..not enough time has gone by.

[daisysmom13]

Hi there, LoveThem,

All I can say is I am so sorry. I wish I could take some of your pain and place a bit of it on my shoulders. The grief is horrible, and no one should go through it alone. Please take care, and I hope you will start to heal soon.

Daisysmom13

[LoveThem]

Thank you, Daisysmom13, for your thoughts. Keep in touch.

You wanted to take some of the pain onto your shoulders...you already have by responding to my plea. In fact, because we love and want to take care of these special friends of ours, we actually share in the love for an animal and so we also share in the pain when any one of us loses our special friend. That's why we can understand each other's joy and pain better than people who do not care about animals. They will never know the pain but they will never know the unconditional love we experience. I had 16 years of love with my little boy. I will not have 16 years of pain. The pain will heal in time, I can't make it go away sooner. I will miss him forever ...that feeling never goes away. We are in this forum because of our pain and knowing we are touching others who have been there, are there, and, since our love never stops, will probably be there in the future again, hopefully, many years away. I re-read my replies and I find comfort in the caring of others who have been and/or are in just as much pain as I feel. Each situation may be different but we really all feel the same feelings of maybe anger, guilt, empty, etc.
We just have to remember we are human. We are not perfect. We are not doctors. We try to do the best we can for our special friends. It can be very normal to feel we didn't do enough without stopping to think maybe cir%%stances were beyond our control. We can only learn from the past as best we can. There are more out there that may need us..that need the love only pet lovers can give to them.

[lisahurne]

The most important thing for you to remember is that crying helps you heal. Don't try to make yourself stop. Holding it in will only make things worse and could make you sick.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend Niko on Oct 15th and it was during a routine operation. All of a sudden I had to make "the arrangements" for my baby girl. It is so very hard, it has been three weeks and I still find myself crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat.

Let it out when you need to, call a friend, visit us here...something to help you through. Just don't fight the pain, it will ease up a little as you go.

Another good site that helped me through is RainbowBridge.com

Here is my Niko's memorial to give you an idea of what else you can do for your baby boy...I hope I have helped if just a little.

http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/NIKO007/Resident.htm

Lisa
"Niko's Mom"

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[eddies mom]

LoveThem,

awwwwhhhh. i'm there too and it just sucks i know. cry when you need too. everyone grieves in their own way. my boy has been gone 2.5 weeks and i cry everyday but it's getting better. now, instead of waking in tears and going to bed in tears, it just hits when it needs to once during the day. be patient with yourself and post here as much as you need to. i have been amazed at the support and understanding i've been given through this grieving process. it really helps to keep posting pictures and it made me feel good to post tributes on several different websites. keep thinking of all the good times and funny mannerisms and stories-they help alleviate the tears. i had flet that i needed to grieve to keep him close but i've learned through this site that keeping the memories fresh and the pictures close, that's the best way i could honor my sweet boy. i could not eat or sleep for 1.5 weeks. my tummy was sick and i had bad cramps but they're gone now. i hope the physical heals itself soon, though i realize the heart may take a bit longer to catch up.

you take care.
eddies mom

[LoveThem]

Thank you Lisahurne and Eddies Mom: I visited the memorial to Niko, Lisa. It was wonderful! What a beautiful thing you put together. Eddies Mom: You said it has only been a couple of weeks. Mine was Sept 10 and yet I do cry everyday because I miss him so much. He is still a part of our home. He was always an indoor cat so he has been on top of every piece of furniture, laid on every blanket, and as you can see from his picture, he had a spot on the bed. Then when I watched TV he would come and lay in my lap, which is pretty good for a 16 pound cat (when he was healthy). He always did everything right no matter how he felt. I guess that kind of made me hope it wasn't cancer. I will always wonder for sure but I didn't want to know that maybe he was suffering longer than I thought. If he hid anything from me, I'm respecting that. It's when he couldn't hid it any longer that he showed it and that is too late but we gave him peace and stopped any suffering. I would have hated walking in the door and seeing that he had died of suffocation while we were out. The 2nd worse was what actually happened that I described in my first post. It still gives me some relief to talk about it here. Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts and pain with me. We are not alone with our pain, perhaps that will be the path to healing eventually.

[AlleysMama]

First, let me just say that I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Your boy is absolutely beautiful. Long haired black kitties have always been my favorite. My Alley was one, and my new love Riley is one also.

It has been just under 11 months since I have lost Alley and sometimes I don't think I will ever stop crying for her. Maybe I won't. There are times though, that I can look at her pictures and smile, remembering how wonderful and silly she was. It was 7 months later before I got Riley (his pictures are in the New Beginnings forum). Even then, it was still hard, because he wasn't my girl and never would be, but I came to appreciate him and love him for all his own little special qualities. He is my little lover boy and every day it is a joy to have him.

Only you can say when you are ready to have another one to love. There are many out there, who would consider themselves blessed to be taken home with you. Just keep in mind, that they will not be your boy. Don't expect them to act the same and like the same things. I have found though, that my heart is plenty big enough to hold my Alley with plenty of room for Riley as well.

As others have said, don't try to bottle your grief. It will come out eventually. Let yourself cry. let yourself be sad, and angry. You have every right to be. Losing your boy is a horrible, awful thing to have to deal with and he is worth every one of your tears. When you are ready, perhaps you can create a little memorial album or something with his pictures, or write down some of the happy memories you have of him. Take your time though, and above all, take care of yourself. He loves you and will always be part of you.

Paula

[LoveThem]

To: AlleysMama (Paula): When I first saw Alleys picture it made me cry...she looked so much like my Little Guy. I read her story and cried again. I did go to New Beginnings and left you a message there about your new kitty. He is gorgeous! I remember recently the vet commenting how long Little Guy's body was and his tail (just like your picture of Riley). I have quite a few pictures of Little Guy which I may add as time goes along. I wish I could get one like you did but my husband wants to wait a year or so. I don't know if that is good for me physically. I am tied up in knots and am having a lot of digestive problems. I think it would help me to have a new baby to hold and love but I don't feel like I'm allowed to. So I just continue to be ill physically. My husband says get a hobby but I don't want to. My animals were my hobby. He doesn't understand why it is so hard for me to let go. He was raised in a non animal lover home and has only come to care for them during our marriage but it is something he is learning, it did not come natural as it did for me. I would look at a puppy or kitten, etc and melt. I have been to the Emergency Room one time and have also now had a stomach scope and colon scope as my digestion is totally off the wall. I have never really been without a pet. Even as a single person I always had 1 or 2. It's a part of my life that is now gone and I don't know when I will be allowed to get it back. I'm so glad you got Riley. I love him already just seeing the pictures you are sharing. Thanks for your note here. When I saw Alleys picture...I felt a special black longhaired kittycat bond. Judy (LittleGuys Mom)

[AlleysMama]

Judy

Something that helped me during the time between losing Alley and getting Riley was I started volunteering for a cat rescue. The one I work with has foster homes mostly, but they do keep 8 or so cats at the adoption center at petsmart. I go in every saturday and clean the cages and play with the kitties. I started that about 6 months after I lost Alley.

At first, I would just go visit them. I think they thought I was crazy at first, because I would just go in and pet the cats and cry. I was so desperate to touch one though, to feel its soft fur and see the sweet little faces. Once I started working there, it was only a month until Riley came in. He was 6 months old and had been in a foster home, so I hadn't seen him before. It was love at first sight

I don't know if something like that would be right for you, but it certainly would give you a chance to get a kitty fix until you, and your husband are ready to adopt one of your own.

Fluffy black kitties are so very special aren't they? I would love to see more pictures of your handsome boy when you are ready to share them.

[LoveThem]

Well, ask and ye shall receive. I reduced in size about 7 pictures of Little Guy and some of his twin brother. I posted them all in the Tribute section so please go there and see them. I didn't know how to put more than 1 picture into 1 post so I just attached them as replies which was okay because I could add a little story to each.

I do have a no-kill shelter a short ways away and have printed out the pictures from the internet of the cats ready for adoption. I have thought about going there and yes, a cat fix sounds wonderful. The only thing I am afraid of is falling for one and my husband not ready yet. I can't take losing any more especially when one is available so I will wait a while longer.

Yes, fluffy black kitties are special. When the twins were born in my yard, it was the first time I ever saw kittens like that. They looked like miniature teddy bears.
I started taking pictures right away so I do have a collection. Little Guy was a couple of pounds heavier than Keeper and his tail was fuller and longer. He had the shiny coat of a short hair. But they were both gentle always, loved to chase string. At first mom and them were full of fleas so they couldn't come inside until they saw the vet but we had a screened in patio they stayed in. When it was warm I would wet a washcloth and get them all wet to cool them off. Memories..........

[toonie]

I have found he appears happier when I don't mention Little Guy at all so it helps to post thoughts in this forum...gives me an outlet.

-Love Them.

I can relate with this, in my entourage too it seems like it's obscene to keep grieving longer than 10 days or so and this is why I have become addicted to this place. A few times I told myself, okay today I won't look up LS today but it is my way of keeping in touch with the memory of my cats and this way I don't bug my family and friends about them, they are my secret ongoing loves, thanks to LS I have this outlet. Much appreciated, at times, a life saver at other times as well.

[LoveThem]

Note to Little Guy:

This is Thanksgiving Week and I see that for the first time in 16 years you won't be here to share the Holidays with us. I had a really bad day today thinking about it.........lots of tears. I miss you so much. I remember anytime I felt down or maybe not felt good, you were always watching me and staying close. Your pictures help me so that I can look into those golden eyes that always watched my every move.

Actually, it started last night when we got home and it was dark in the house because we had planned to be home before dark so didn't leave on any lights. When we did that before I always used to joke that you were waiting for us, paws on your hips, asking where we were and why you were in the dark. Only last night, the house was dark and empty and you were not there anymore. That is so hard to believe. Both of us miss you so much and we talked about you this morning and how your pictures in each room help us. We each talk about what was special about you to each of us and we smile at the memories we share when you make us laugh. I'm so sorry you were trying to hide what must have been some suffering at the end until you couldn't breathe with your chest full of fluid.
We didn't know. Your x-rays 10 days earlier showed a clear chest and apparently not even the vet anticipated what happened. I kept asking what should I look for to be sure you were helped when you needed it and would not suffer if I could help you. The vet just said vomiting..she never said breathing. She didn't even recognize the symptoms when I told her earlier. Can't fix that now. From the past experience with some of my former babies, I believe you can't stop cancer..you can buy time sometime but the end result will not change. Neither does the pain. We'll get through this Holiday..the next will be Christmas without you.
Love and Hugs from both of us. to you..and Keeper and Little Girl.