Megaman's Rush Went Home Today, Grief Options

[rushie'smom]

My 10 year old Airedale was put down today. It was awful, so awful. He'd been suffering for a few days and was in and out with our hopes going up and down. I had to have a talk with my two children (18 & 13) to decide when we would make the difficult choice to end the treatment attempts and let him go peacefully and end his suffering. I'm grateful that ours were the last faces he saw and the last voices he heard and that it was blessedly quick and painless, but I still keep second guessing my decision. Should we have tried the surgery that he had little chance of surviving? I feel so guilty that he began his troubles while left in a kennel while I was on vacation. Would he have been okay if I'd stayed home? So many questions, no answers.

I just want a second chance to make different decisions! I want him back! I want another walk, another kiss, a few more years! I wasn't ready! When he turned 10, I knew he was getting old and we'd have to start preparing ourselves in case something happened, but I wasn't prepared for it to happen so soon!

I found my daughter lying on his bed sobbing because it smells like him. There's a big empty spot where he used to be. I can barely stand to look at his toys and bedding scattered around the house. I don't know how I'll put them away tomorrow. It cuts like a knife to know we'll never see that fuzzy mug greeting us at the door when we come home. I don't know how I'll take a walk without him trotting at my side and lots of people asking about him and telling me how handsome he is.

I prayed last night that God would decide what was to happen and that he'd send us the strength and courage to do what was right for our loved family member. He gave us that strength this morning. I hope he'll give me the strength to eventually remember the funny loveable things about my buddy and not keep seeing his final moments in technicolor again and again in my mind.

Thanks for listening.

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[mosmommy]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved baby. The decision to assist them is one of the hardest choices to make, but you did do the right thing. Your post broke my heart as I read it, but I was glad to see that you have found this forum to share your story and your feelings. As unbearable as it is right now, you have come to the right place. Here, you will receive much support and comfort as you and your family try to heal from your loss. I understand the guilt that goes along with the choice(s) you've had to make, and I won't lie to you, it can take ALOT of time to find relief from your feelings of guilt. Trust me when I say, this forum is the GREATEST source to help you in the healing process, it SAVED me. Many souls here feel the same way about their furbabies as you do, and will have experience in dealing with the feelings that have, for now, overtaken your life.
I lost my Cosmo to CRF, and my decision to be with him as his life ended, that was just 3 months ago. I still have a very hard time dealing with the pain, but it does lessen in intensity as time passes, and I'm grateful for that. The pain and guilt can be torture to live through, but as you post and read other posts, you will begin to find the relief you need to help you deal with these feelings.
There is not much more to say, especially right now, because your loss is so recent. I know it is not encouraging to know that it is a long difficult process, but trust me, it will slowly begin to get a little better.
I just wanted you to know how sorry I am, and I'm sending you and your family peace and comfort during this time.
Love and Prayers,
Michelle
Your baby was a very beautiful boy, and I know you miss him terribly, but you helped to end his pain, and as hard as that choice was, I'm sure you know that it was the greatest gift you could have given him. Being there is a tough thing too, but for me it was the only choice, and I'm glad that my Cosmo heard and felt me before his last breath. I know at some point, you will find relief in this as well. Take care, and come back when you need to.

[luv_my_catz]

I am so sorry for your loss - Your mutual love and the trust that you placed in God has guided you in your actions ~ please believe in yourself and the love that you have for Rush ~ it is this very love that keeps you all forever connected spiritually...It is never "time" as far as we are concerned because we LOVE them so much ~ however it is within the cocoon of that love that we are called to be strong enough to perform the final earthly act of freeing their spirits forever so that the suffering will end with dignity and peace and being held in the hollow of God's hand ~ I will never get "over" losing my pets ~ my heart is forever changed ~ yet I am more compassionate and caring for it every time and find a way to love my fellows even more ~ such a wonderful thing this love ~ and our dear departed ones are now free to fly within the rainbow wind and glittering spirits whirling around our hearts and joining our souls in a new way forever more ~ my heart goes out to you ~ May you find comfort in this day and the days ahead ~ Sincere Thoughts, Kathryn

[Lisa...NOAH'...]

What a BEAUTIFUL dog! I'm sorry for the grief and agony you are feeling right now. Don't beat yourself up second guessing yourself. I've been there and it will literally tear you apart. Regardless if our pets passed away at home naturally or if they had assistance...we all question ourselves...wondering if we could have done something sooner or differently to change the outcome. My dog Sadie passed away at home on Jan.31st and my cat TJ just passed away at home on Aug. 1st. and I still wonder if I should have done something differently. Even though I know I did EVERYTHING possible...I still second guess myself. And yes...it's tearing me apart. I hope you and your family will find comfort in knowing that all of us here care and understand what you are going through.

Lisa...NOAH'S ARK

[tammy]

It sounds like my cat died within a few hours of your dog. She was 12 1/2 and like you, I knew I had to think about losing her someday. But not so soon.
Yesterday I was begging god to give me one more chance with her, let me have her back one more time so that I could do something differently and let the vet figure out was really wrong. I was not with her when she died, but thankfully her vet and I made the decision to take her to another place to get an ultrasound. So I was with her for about an hour yesterday (I hadn't seen her since Monday morning). She was surrounded by the doctor and a few other people when she died.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

[Kathleen032]

Rushie was such a handsome fellow. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think we all go through second guessing ourselves after the fact. I know I did with Shiloh...For months I wondered what if I'd waited another day, what if I'd taken her back to her oncologist that day instead of calling my regular vet to come and have her put to sleep. I know in my heart I made the right decision for Shiloh, but to this day I still wonder "what if." I'm not really sure I understand what happened to Rushie, but I know it sounds like he was extremely loved and whatever decision you made was one of love and sacrifice. I know he appreciated being surrounded by the love of all his family in his final moments.

You and your family are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

[rushie'smom]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. This site has been a godsend. Tammy, I'm so sorry for your loss, it is so hard. I guess we're never prepared to say goodbye, regardless of our pets' ages.

My daughter and I went out today and bought a leather bound scrapbook and some scrapbooking materials to do a memory book for him. Collecting together the pictures of him helped us to remember the fun times and chased away the recurring image of his last moments. Last night, we watched some video of him being his silly self in younger days, that helped alot as well. Then we went to the movies tonight and saw a hilarious movie. It felt good to get out of the house filled with so many memories and laugh for a while. I don't think it would suit his personality for us to spend too much time locked in the house crying. He was too full of spunk for that and nothing (even illness) kept him down for long. I'll try to do the same.

I still haven't touched his toys and bedding. I just can't bear to yet. I swear I hear him in the house when it's really quiet, I can hear him settle himself on the slate entry floor or his sigh as he got comfy on one of his many beds scattered throughout the house. His kitty friend, the only girl who ever tolerated him, has been unusually quiet, just lying close to us and not meowing much like she usually does. I think she knows, when he was in the hospital she meowed constantly, now she's just still.

For clarification, he'd had some trouble in the past few months. He ended up near death and in ICU with hemorraghic gastroenteritis when we attempted to introduce a new dog to the family. She (the new dog) was returned to her home and we knew he'd have to be King of the Hill for the rest of his life as it was apparent he didn't handle stress well at his age.

Then, when I returned Monday from vacation the kennel told me that he fell one night in the run and couldn't get up, so he spent about 12 hours in a full out splits position. He had pins in one leg from a break at 4 months, and had some stiffness and limping at times as he aged, but had never had a problem with falling. They said after that, he couldn't stay on his feet in the run until they lined it with rubber pads. When I got him home, he wouldn't eat or drink and showed signs of dehydration so I took him in. The vet kept him overnight to rehydrate him with IV fluids and check on his hips and legs to see if the stumbling continued. He recovered well and came home Tuesday night. Wednesday morning he began vomiting white foam and seemed in acute distress with a distended and hard abdomen, back to the vet. His stomach had become twisted but by a miracle, when the vet inserted a stomach tube, it righted itself and stayed right through the day, so he came home Wednesday night with instructions to watch him closely and get him to the emergency vet if the vomiting began again. A family conference was held to decide what to do if that happened. We were told that if his stomach turned again, it would be a huge and taxing surgery that only held a 50/50 chance of survival in healthy dogs. Given his declining ability to handle stress, it was unlikely he'd survive both the surgery and the recovery at his age. We decided to put him to sleep if it happened again to spare him further stress and suffering needlessly.

During the night I prayed he'd turn around and be okay. But I also prayed for the strength to let him go if that was what was needed. I left it in God's hands to decide. But I also prayed lots of other things that night, like promising to come home immediately after school and check on him, never to leave him or go on vacation again, that I would do whatever it took to care for him even if he was sickly after all this, just as long as he wasn't in pain, etc, etc, you know how those late night pleas go. But in the morning, God had made his decision. His stomach was distended again and he was running a temp. He could barely lift his head off his bed, and it was clear despite my hourly checks during the night that he'd taken another turn for the worse. A few hours after I dropped him at the vet, they confirmed that x-rays showed his stomach was twisted again and the buildup of gas and fluids was pressing on his heart. We went to the office for the most difficult episode I've had to be a part of. Our vet was wonderful and heartbroken as well, he'd treated Rush since he was a pup and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Goodbye is the hardest thing.

[Dixie's Mom]

Rushie's Mom,
I finally read your post this evening. I'm so sorry that I didn't see it when it was first posted....
I am soooo sorry to hear about your sweetheart Rushie. What a handsome guy!!!!
Your loss is still so fresh....only a week or so ago if I'm not mistaken.
How are you coping??? Are you and your daughter doing okay?
Just thinking of you,
Dana

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[rushie'smom]

Thank you Dana,
The first few days were rough. I questioned myself and my decision quite a bit. Then discovered alot of info about bloat and got angry because my vet and breeder had never warned me and I was doing a few things wrong. Lots of guilt resulted. Then I read more and thought about his week and realized that his was caused more by stress and age than anything else, not so much his eating habits. I still feel guilty about the kennel incident, but realistically, he could have fallen on the entry floor (which is also slick) and stayed like that all day while I was at school or something, so I've chalked it up to fate. I'll always miss that week I spent away from him and regret we didn't walk along the lake or play more often, but all in all, he had a great life with one family and was well loved and cared for. His death was peaceful and thankfully, he was uncomfortable but not in great pain or distress. We were all there to say we loved him and goodbye. I'm very grateful for that.
My daughter is coping pretty well. Her father has remarried a woman with 3 dogs. I hoped it would help having furballs to love on when she's with him, but she said it just makes her miss Rush even more. This was my first weekend with her, my son, and Rush gone. My son's gone to college. The house seems VERY empty, but he (Rush) continues to make his presence known with little sounds and moving his bed about every evening. I even heard him whine yesterday and started to get up to let him out before I realized. I'd chalk it up to imagination if it weren't for the bed moving. It's comforting to know he's here, either watching over us or just because he likes it here. I said out loud to him the other day, "Isn't doggie heaven more fun than this old boring place?" LOL But maybe since we hear him mostly at night and in the early morning, he's spending his days having fun.
Thanks for your concern, I hope you're doing well also. Your Dixie is a doll!
Take care,
Rushie's Mom