Thought I Was Doing Better, But......, Abby's Passing Options

[Abby's Mommy]

I do not wish to share this post.

[hegelsmom]

I have not been on here in several days. I went to my parent's on Saturday, planning
to stay a day or so. My Hegel is buried on their property. I had a bit of a "breakdown" while there, and I did not come home until tonight. My parents did
not think I could take care of my seven month old in the shape I was in. My husband works a lot, so he reluctantly agreed to leave us there until he brought
us home tonight.
There isn't a computer there, but I thought of all of you. I shared some of your stories with my mother.
I just crossed the 3 week mark. The pain is not letting up, and I am concerned for
myself, and how I'm going to care for my son. I wake up many times during the night,
and see that sweet grey cat face, and I am overcome with grief and guilt. Sometimes, I have to lie to myself, that he is still alive, to soothe myself back to
sleep. I tried to call 2 of those telephone counseling lines, and had no luck
with either.
Tomorrow night, Thursday, I am going to a Pet Loss Support meeting here in my
city. That is the main reason that I came home.

I agree with Abby's mom. My joy is gone. I know that sounds terrible, as I have
a beautiful baby boy that needs me. But I feel a part of me is dead now. Plus
the overwhelming guilt makes me feel undeserving as a parent. I am almost certain
I would have killed myself if not for my son. I am really questioning how I can
go on, and live with myself. I look for him through the house. I consider pet
psychics, which in my right mind, I would consider 99% con artists.
Thank goodness for LS, and the comfort of being with people that understand
your pain.
Peace to all of you.