Letting Go

I have been having a really hard time dealing with the loss of both of my furry kids. Its been two weeks now. I have been to a petloss support group and a therapist. They both suggested writing letters to Jake and Karli. I did that and I felt a little bit better. I have days where I think of them and don't cry and some days I just break down. I have been lighting candles for them every night. I haven't been able to have a memorial for them yet. I have been agonizing over doing it as then they will really be gone.

I don't sleep good anymore. I lay there and think of them alot. Sunday night Karli came to me in a dream and told me to let her go. She said she would come back to me some day. I hope this is true. I miss them so much. Anyway, I just thought I would share that Karli had sent me a message.

Today is one of those bad days. Hopefully it will get better with time.

Grief And Guilt

I had four dogs until last Wednesday. Two goldens, a red tick coonhound and a terrier mix. The two goldens are really my partners'. The other two were mostly mine. Karli the coonhound was 4 and Jake the terrier was 12. They never got along from the first day I brought her home. We recently moved to a new house and since it was cold, I could not leave the dogs outside. I put them all in the laundry room together last Wednesday and went to work. When my partner got home, she found Jake severly injured. We took him to the vet, but he was in a coma. He had many other health issues and I didn't think he could survive the surgery if he came out of the coma, so I finally made the decision to let him go. I said my goodbyes through my tears. I can't get over the fact that as I left that morning, I had a last minute thought to put him in a kennel for the day where he would be away from Karli. Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I pet him goodbye?
I know Karli did this as she has always had trouble with Jake. The goldens never fight anyone. I have spent so much time training her over the years and she was my other half. She was the prettiest and sweetest coonhound. She loved people and even did search and rescue tracking. I explained some of her behaviors and her killing Jake to vets and behaviorists in the area. They said that since the attack was very visous, they didn't feel she was safe to be around the other dogs and reccomended that she be put down. I put her down on Saturday. It has been very difficult for me. I knew that Jake was getting older and would have to go soon and I alway expected Karli to be there for me. Now she's gone too. I feel like I have lost everything this week. I feel guilty that I didn't have a behaviorist help me deal with the aggression before now and that I didn't protect Jake. Karli was my constant companion and the love of my life. I don't know how to get through this.