Coping With The Ashes Options

[KayMarie]

I made my first post a few weeks ago when I lost my dog of 16 years (AKA, my whole life). Zizi died while I was away and I worked myself into a rut over it, at first. I've been steadily improving, keeping busy, but still coming to the message board, if not replying, just reading.

But since my dog's ashes came back, I've had a really bad time. I don't know if anyone else has had this problem, but my mother didn't want me to come home and see the little urn just sitting on the kitchen counter, so she put them in her closet and told me that whenever I was ready, I could take them out and she would put the ashes in the urn we had made for him.

Only I haven't been able to do it. I cleaned a spot in my room for him, next to my dresser, where he slept when he wasn't sleeping on my bed. I ordered a little keepsake chest to keep his things in like his AKC certificates, pictures, and tags. I have everything ready... but I can't take the ashes out of the closet.

I'll go in, look at the little box, then start crying. I get so upset, I can't even move. I'll sit with it there in my hands, but I can never bring myself to walk out of the closet holding that little thing and I keep thinking "He can't fit in this." I realize that's a little crazy, but I can't seem to stop myself. It distresses me so much.

My mom keeps telling me to take my time, but I feel bad about leaving him in there. It feels like I'm ignoring what's there, even though I still think about him every day.

[Daryl]

I finally got up the nerve to pick up Kirby's ashes from the vet's office today. It was SO hard riding home with that little wooden box on the front seat where Kirby used to sit when she was alive!

Right now, the box with her ashes is sitting in a plastic shopping bag in the spare bedroom. When I get more time, I'll put them away. We've got a medium-sized wooden "treasure chest" that holds three other little wooden boxes with names on them: Smokey, Kela, and Lilly. To open the chest and add Kirby's ashes, though, I need to move the little "shrine" that's grown on top of the chest over time -- the photos, the little momentos, etc. I wasn't quite up to doing that today, and I want to do it at a time when my wife won't be around. She's still taking Kirbys' death very hard.

But, as others have said, there's really no rush now. We have to take our time, be gentle with ourselves, and make sure we're ready for each step.


In sympathy,

-- Daryl