Feeling Lousy And Guilty, Things will never be right again Options

[bluejules]

Since Shaun died on Tuesday, I've been through such a range of emotions. But at the moment I'm feeling really worried about my feelings.

A friend emailed me the words to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I took a copy to Shaun's grave today and put it on top of his casket:

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared,
beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it would all end,
the way it would all go.
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

When we got back from the cemetery I realised that my feelings towards the other pets have changed. I feel very, very guilty, but I just don't seem to love them as much. Even my little dog - I've only had him for 5 weeks and I adored him. And then there's the other four cats. I still care about them, but things are not the same.

When I thought about "The Dance", I realised that when Shaun was around "all the world was right". Somehow, Shaun brought out the best in me. Because he was so special, I loved everyone so much. Now he's gone, I feel that things will never be right again.

When I look at the other babies, I think they are cute and I want to care for them. But when I see Shaun's picture, I am overwhelmed with love and grief. I'm so sad that I don't seem to love the others as much as I did, I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could feel the same as I did before Shaun died.

What's the matter with me?

[mosmommy]

I am feeling the same as you are right now. It is like all of the work involved in taking care of my other babies isn't worth the effort without Cosmo. I also think that I am purposely trying to put distance between me and them, so I won't have to feel THIS BAD when they pass on. I don't have anything helpful to add, except that it is getting a little easier each day to be their "mommy" again.
I really relate to you, because the reason we got our brown tabby, Cosmo, was one of fate. We had rescued a Maine Coon cat named Sam from his irritable owner, but Aaron's parents ended up adopting him from us, or maybe he adopted them. When Aaron's brother was looking for a kitten, specifically a female tortoise shell, long-haired calico, my mom found a litter that contained one. I was sent to pick her up, and when I left Aaron said, "Don't bring home another one for us [at the time, we had 3 cats], unless he looks like Sam." Imagine my surprise when I saw Cosmo. A long-haired brown tabby, yes, but so similiar to Sam, with his long fur, 4 white feet, and beautiful copper eyes.(My avatar does not do him justice). I believe it was fate for Cosmo to live with me, and I had a special bond with him from the start. Even though he was 10 when he passed, I feel that if his body was stronger he could have and should have lived 10 more years. I feel "robbed", though by not as much time as you.
I believe you will come back to your love for your other babies, and they will bring meaning back into your life, because little by little, that is what is happening for me.
My loving thoughts and prayers are with you to bring you "back" for your babies.
Michelle