Lost In Fog Options

[Daryl]

*****HI EVERYONE............ANOTHER POST THAT I WANTED TO BRING BACK FOR ALL THE NEWCOMERS..Love, Denise xo****


Hi friends,

I'm very sorry that I haven't been offering much support in here lately. I read the messages, feel everyone's pain and loss, and the words just don't come out from me.

I wonder if I've hit emotional burnout?

I go through the day as though I'm picking at my plate. At work, I try to write the latest report I have due, but only manage a sentence or two before my concentration evaporates. Before long, I find myself surfing the Internet, visiting favorite forums, looking for distraction. This is NOT good -- my employer monitors our computer activities and knows how much time we spend online! But part of me just doesn't care. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of having to try to plod through a normal daily life while dealing with grief after grief. It's been going on for 6 years -- too long! My wife's cancer, Smokey's death, then Kela's, then Lilly's, now Kirby's. Of our two remaining cats, Summer (17 yrs old) still needs fluids and meds every other day, and now that the weather's getting colder the arthritis in his back seems to be bothering him more.

It's like a marathon that never stops. All the while, daily life goes on --we're in the middle of multiple critical product tests at work, and I hardly have any vacation time even if I COULD take it now. On top of that, most people don't even comprehend the grief of losing a pet! "Oh, that's too bad. Well, you'll get another one soon, won't you?" "I'm sorry about your dog. Do you think you'll have that report done today?"

I start to get better for a while, I'll have maybe an hour's worth of truly productive time, and then all the wind goes out of my sails again.

Sorry to whine. Everyone on this board is hurting, after all -- you don't need to hear my sniveling. But how long am I going to feel stuck in this fogged-in I-don't-care-about-anything state? Others here must be going through this, too? What do you do to snap out of it?


-- Daryl

This post has been edited by Muffins: Dec 18 2004, 05:32 PM

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

Your pain is just as valid as the rest of ours...

We all "snap out of it" at different speeds and times. I took a month off of this chat room once in order to let the pain subside - sometimes echoing other people's pain can bring back our own - in full force.

What YOU need is some time to yourself. Away from work or people or the internet...

[Daryl]

You're right. I do need time away.

Except that I just barely have enough vacation time to get through the end of the year, and I can't financially afford to take time off without pay. I don't know what to do.

I just sent an e-mail to our company's on-site counselor. Maybe she'll have some ideas?

Thanks so much for writing! Sometimes it helps just knowing others understand.


-- Daryl

[SJ J & S]

I've been low too and trying to fight this constant tiredness.

Id get up in the morning and as I'm backing out of the drive to go to work I'm thinking “I just want to go back to bed, I'm soo tired”.

Recently I've decided enough is enough I've got to do something so I went to see a dietician and he has me eating only organic food with no or very little dairy. I would say that within a week I was feeling a little better and when my neighbour gave us some scones and cream, within 10 minutes I felt tired again.

Try looking at your diet, when I'm low I eat and I basically eat rubbish, I've put on three stone since loosing my girls although I admit that a lot of this is also due to stopping smoking (11 months now). I'm coming around to believing that what we eat can have an enormous effect on how we are feeling and how we cope and how long it takes us to stop mourning our departed loved ones.

Maybe not so much the mourning but the build up of everything, it just all gets on top of us and if we don’t fuel our bodies properly then how do we expect it to cope in a crises.

I've been here before and the doc put me on Prozac, I don’t want to go on them again and this change in my diet has really helped, I've even started looking around Gyms.

Give it a try I know that it gets to the point where anything is worth a try and this seems to be helping me – so far anyway.

Love Sue

[Gort]

Hi Daryl

Man oh man do I hear and understand what you're saying. I've had little to no concentration at work. I'm behind enough as it is but can't help drifting here to lightning strike and other favourite spots. The work seems so unimportant even tho I know it is. Everything has fallen off the table. And quite frankly I don't care if they are monitoring me or not.

I don't respond to all threads here because, like you, the words just don't come. When I do respond, I find that I'm a broken record, more or less saying the same thing time after time. I've taken several days away from these forums just to try and 'cheer up' but that doesn't help either. So I come back to share the misery that others are suffering from.

I know things are getting better seeing as I don't cry near as much but it's not the same anymore. It's really hard to describe.

[Daryl]

Sue -- I generally have to be very careful about my eating because I've had IBS. But, now that you mention it, yeah -- my diet does go severely downhill when I'm depressed. Like now. I'm sitting here at this moment eating sweets, which I normally try to avoid. I don't think diet is all of it for me, I do feel I've been swimming upstream a lonnnng time, but it's very likely a component. Thanks!!!


Gort -- I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, too. Sounds like we're in exactly the same place. I wish one of us had at least thought to bring beer...!


At lunch time I went out to my car, locked the doors, and imagined I was at one of the little private retreat cabins at this secluded hilltop monastary, New Camaldoli, on the way to Big Sur.

http://www.contemplation.com/Hermitage/home.html

It felt like just where I want to be right now. No duties, no responsibilities, no demands. Just peace, Nature, beauty, and lots and lots of time to heal.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Daryl,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you. You've been going through so many different crises!! And the world seems to just go on as usual, and most people just don't understand our grief over pet loss.

I know some people find that reading the posts at this site makes them feel sadder. For me, coming to this site helps, and when I've missed a few days in a row here is when I tend to feel worse.

Smokey, Kela, Kirby, and Lilly all want you to be okay. And know that you'll be reunited with them when it's your time. In the meantime, they're all-soul, in complete bliss.

I'm on Paxil, and without it I can't begin to function. The other things that help are knowing my Little Girl and my Mariah are in bliss , giving my love to other pets (in honor of Little Girl and Mariah ), spending timet here, interacting with people in my life who are warm and caring, and spending some time on hobbies. I found a way to work for myself and, while my income is fairly low, I can make a living without having to deal with insensitive co-workers and bosses, deadlines, etc. So I'm thankful for that. I also have a counselor I see once in awhile. Would you consider seeing one (provided he/she understood our kind of grief)?

Keep in touch,

Kathy

[Daryl]

Thanks again to all of you for your support.

Gort -- I hope you're feeling better today. This place we've been in really sucks.

Kathy -- Thank you for your kind words. As a matter of fact, our company has a counselor on retainer and, from the description of what services she offers, she does seem to understand about grief -- even grief over pets. I sent her an e-mail after I posted my first message on this thread, but I think she only comes to our place once a week or so. I'm ready to talk to her. I'm ready to get out of this slump!

Also.... I know this will sound like quackary (quackery??) to most people, but in the past I've had a few sessions with a woman who does energy work and shamanistic healings. I always approach these people most skeptically, but this woman (Suzan) breezed through all of my tests with flying colors. She was right on the money about my emotional history, all the way back to infancy. My first session with her lasted an hour and a half, and there was only one thing she said that I couldn't confirm was true -- and I was NOT giving her any clues! I often come out of my sessions with her feeling as if I've shed hundreds of pounds of emotional baggage. My wife, too, has had great success with Suzan's sessions.

But Suzan's hard to catch up with, and my own schedule is completely wonky right now, so I'm not going to be able to see her until next Thursday evening. I think I can make it until then. I think I can, I think I can....

Actually, I'm doing a little better now that it's the weekend and I can rest more and don't have to be productive or stuck at a desk at work.


On the way home from work last night, I had to stop by the local cat shelter to pick up some paperwork. (I help them out by doing some grant writing.) The group I work with is attached to the county animal shelter, which also houses dogs.

I couldn't help myself.... I wandered over, just to take a look.

The very first dog I saw was exactly what my wife and I have been talking about getting next, when that day comes: a Bichon derivative. This one might have been bichon and poodle, I don't know, but she was CUTE! And her eyes met mine and wouldn't let me go. She was in a low pen with a couple of small terriers; another couple was there petting the terriers. As soon as I got near, the bichon stood on her back legs and stretched up to be petted, staring right into my eyes the whole time. Then she stuck her nose through the fence and sweetly licked my face several times. God, I was falling in love again SO FAST!

Luckily (or not?), the volunteer who finally showed up said he thought she'd been adopted already. If she hadn't been, I might have walked out with her right then and there! Not a good thing, as my wife's not ready to adopt yet and she would have been mightily angry if I'd just surprised her with a new dog. Close call!!!! But that little dog stared wistfully back at me as I was leaving, just the same way I'm sure I was staring at her.

Do I sound confused, or what??

-- Daryl

[gingerspal]

lol..Daryl..your last post has left a smile on my lips. That "close call" is affirmation that you have plenty of room left in that big ol heart of yours for another furry friend someday. I felt like I was there with you falling in love too!! lol--lol.
First off let me say a big thanks for your initial post--because it is highly personal but something I think we ALL feel. This forum seems kind of "quirky" in that most of us post about our specific reason for being here (mostly all about our beloved pet and how the end came about)..it seems that there are few posts like this one--describing the ongoing state of flux days weeks and months later. Maybe it is because this forum is called "death and dying" we somehow feel all our posts should only relate to that situation exclusively...not the aftermath. Many times I have felt like starting a thread like "what do you do for fun?" but obviously in the death and dying forum that sounds pretty insensitive and inappropriate. This is a serious place, and rightfully so. It's a sacred place where we can share our confusion. What you wrote about the Shaman healing is fine with me! (but I understand your concern that is "sounds" looney) I am a big fan of the Tony Hillerman novels and I feel that the native americans were certainly a whole lot smarter than anyone else in many areas most notably healing rituals. I vote that you do whatever seems right for you. You have been through alot! I sense that you feel apologetic for that---in this day and age it is not easy to stand up and state that you are "still" sad about losing your animal!! But dear Daryl...it is the truth. The truth is always good. Emotions are always helpful. Emotions help us navigate this world. Your emotions are telling you that something is amiss.You honor yourself by investigating what you can do to improve your life.
I am starting to see more and more that our animal "families" are teachers! We are getting to know ourselves through them. {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love
Patti

[Muffins]

Hi Daryl:

Here's hoping that since "the weekend is here", that you feel a bit better............

First let me say, I am very, very sorry............ I am sorry that I didn't know you have gone through sooooo much

Your wife's cancer......... And, then the passing of your furkitties, Smokey, Kela, Lilly and Kirby.....
And, you've got a "sr. kitty", Summer, who requires fluid treatments.........and you've got one more furkitty....

You have been through sooooooooooo much, I think that maybe it would be good to just "sit and be".... Meditate...........

Like you had mentioned, sitting in your car at lunchtime, and imagining you were in a private retreat cabin at a
secluded hideaway........... <---- don't really know what that smiley means.....but, looks appropriate, to me....

Please............"you are not whining, nor sniveling", Daryl... As DJ said............

"Your pain is just as valid as the rest of ours.

My thinking is..............We have all come here because we share losing one of our kids............"One or more of God's beautiful creatures".......
But.............losing our babies..............IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!

I'm even trying to come out with "THE RIGHT WORDS", but it's not working today...........
I know what my brain is trying to say.........but, it's not coming out right.......

We have all come here "in the very beginning" because we share A HUGE, HUGE LOSS..........
(that not many humans understand..........)
And, "that's their loss"......Some people will never, ever know the very special and unconditional love that a beloved "furbaby" can give.....

But, in sharing..........in getting to know one another.........in reading one another's posts.........
I think we all realize that 'WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER'........

I sincerely DO hope that you will get to see your company's on-site counselor..... If she has expertise in "losing pets, and helping with this grief", then I think that's wonderful, Daryl!!!!
Have you ever tried "journal writing"????
Just writing your personal thoughts, feelings, etc., in a notebook??
I used to do that many years ago, and I found that to be very helpful....

I believe, that, for me...............I "still" come here because I was helped soooooooo very, very much at a time
when, after my sweet girl was put to sleep, this past February...........I had no idea 'WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF'......
I didn't know, WHAT TO DO FOR MYSELF!!!

And, I received soooooooooo much help, and I will forever be grateful......
This wonderful site, "LIGHTNING STRIKE", hasn't JUST helped me with the loss of my sweet girl, Ernestine........but,
Lightning Strike has helped me IN LIFE.............
WITH LIFE....................GETTING THROUGH LIFE.............

And, I know that we all "truly feel" for the newcomers who are suffering greatly....... As well, I'm sure that we all
remember that intense, awful pain -- just like it was yesterday!!!!

There have been periods of time when I've needed to "take a break from LS", but, like Kathy said........

For me,
coming to this site helps, and when I've missed a few days in a row here is when I tend to feel worse.

I myself, feel like that.

I haven't responded to everyone here who has posted, and for that, I feel badly......I truly do........
In fact, I believe this is the first time that I am writing to you......(and, I'm sorry about that...)

It's hard to "get to everyone", which is why I am sooo happy that there are soooo many people here at LS, to make sure
that everyone is replied to.......... I know for sure that I read all of the posts (as I'm sure most all of us do), and I like to make sure that "everyone is being helped...."

I know about 5 people who can't/won't come back here because THEY FEEL that THE WORDS AREN'T COMING OUT RIGHT
Inasmuch as I try to tell them that what they are writing IS HELPING SOMEONE, it really doesn't matter HOW YOU SAY IT, AS LONG AS YOU SAY SOMETHING......
But, some people feel strongly that what they "are saying to people, isn't helpful"....
And, I feel sad to hear that, because they really are helping, quite a lot, to be honest...

I absolutely LOVED reading your post from 10/16/2004 @ 11:50am..........
I felt like I was right there with you............in the County animal shelter...........

I bet that the sweet lil' Bichon/Poodle mix just "might've" been giving you a message ...Do you think??

Like Patti said,

I felt like I was there with you falling in love too..

Reading about your visit at the shelter............I had the biggest smile on my face.....

No.............you don't "sound confused........"
You sound "quite normal" to me!!

I enjoyed reading about your experience with Suzan....... Thank you for sharing that..........and, thank you for sharing all that you have..........

I truly believe that it is through our sharing, that we begin to heal......
I think that we all learn, through other people....

And, I liked Patti's quote......

Your emotions are telling you that something is amiss..You honor yourself by investigating what you can do to improve your life.

Daryl, I truly appreciate all that you shared. Thank you!

God Bless you and your wife.....

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster

[MAXIESMOMMY]

I just had to add to this post. I am the SAME way at work each day. My workload is sooooo far behind and backed up and I go on the internet. I don't have any concentration. I am always so tired, also. I go to work, come home, go to sleep. Those are the good days. Weekends are terrible for me. I used to get so excited on Friday because I knew the weekend was here, but now, it's just another lonely day. I have been eating cake and ice cream and bread and chocolate (not in the same bowl!) ever since Maxie left. I have totally let myself go. Now I feel so lousy, I can't seem to break out of this. Today was a beautiful fall day in New England and I sat in the house on my recliner. The tv was on, but my husband happened to mute it for a phone call and forgot to turn it back on, and I NEVER EVEN NOTICED. It was like that for about 45 minutes. I just stared at the tv and it had no sound. But it didn't register. I'm already on antidepressants. All I want to do is sleep. I just don't have any energy. My husband wanted to start our Christmas shopping today. Christmas????? All I can think about Christmas is how we won't be opening presents with Max. Sorry, Daryl. I know I should be saying something to help you out, but I just can't.
Love, Carol

[dietersmom]

Daryl,
I write to others here and am never sure if I'm actually helping, but it makes me feel good to give it a try.

I've had personal struggles over the last year and losing Dieter was like the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". At first I thought what's the point with everything and felt myself spiraling into a depression. I've been there before and just didn't want to re-visit that "dark" place. I find the more I think of and help others, the less I dwell on my life. It's amazing how that seems to really help, and at the same time I'm helping someone else. One of our neighbors lost his wife in a car accident on Thursday and he is now left to raise their two young daughters. Wow, what a reality check for me, I'm upset over what?!

I'm not sure I'm helping you, but I wanted to mainly let you know that you are not alone. Life is tough and sometimes we just have to look really hard to see the sunshine

Keep writing.....I promise it not only helps you, you're helping me and many others, too!
Libby

[Daryl]

Wow...! I'm sitting here reading all of your replies with tears in my eyes. No words are coming, except that you are all such special, wonderful people. There's so much wisdom, so much shared experience in what you've said. I'm not alone. YOU'RE not alone, either! I'm speechless. I never expected this kind of response, probably for exactly the reason Patti said she didn't post this kind of thing: this being a "death and dying" forum, with so many people dealing with the immediate shock and grief of having to say goodbye to their dear friends, well, what I was going through seemed more abstract somehow, not as urgent.

But now that I read all of your replies I realize that this IS part of the process that all of us go through. The lethargy, the deep undercurrent of sadness and distraction. Is this what happens as our river of grief moves underground?

Where are the safety nets to hold us and protect us while we go through this? Daily life is SO relentless! Where is the time-out?

The company I work for claims their goal is to be an "employer of choice" by high-quality employees. But do you know how much time off they "generously" give when you've lost a human family member? THREE whole days!! Who in the world can possibly deal with a funeral and the loss of a loved one in only 3 days??? It infuriates me! They also combine our vacation time and sick leave into what they call PTO -- Paid Time Off. Even though I've been working in the same field for almost 25 years, I had to change companies because my last one got sold and closed down. I now get a whopping 3 weeks of PTO that has to be divided between vacation, sick time, holidays, dying pets, broken-down automobiles -- all the things life throws at us. There's no bereavement leave at all for pets.

Where is the humanity in our daily life?

Sorry. Didn't mean to go off on that tirade. Maybe the anger means things are moving inside me again. At least I'm feeling something.

My wife just got up, so I need to get going for now.

I need to take some more time, read each of your posts, think about them some more. Thank you so very much. You're all fantastic people.

With gratitude and love,

-- Daryl

[SJ J & S]

One of the worst things about mourning and to be honest life in general is that you tend to think that you are abnormal – I shouldn’t have these thoughts – why am I scared of that – why do I cry for no apparent reason, no one admits to these things therefore we all go around thinking “oh my god what’s wrong with me no one else has these problems”

Well that’s just it most of us do and most of us think were abnormal until someones brave enough to say “God I couldn’t stop crying over this silliest of things” or “I was petrified of my own shadow” and silently we think “guess I'm not so abnormal after all”.

That’s the wonderful thing about this site, it doesn’t matter what someone who hasn’t even been through this says because we all have each other and I suppose because we assume that we will never meet, we admit to feelings and thoughts that we just wouldn’t admit to face to face with someone for fear of that dreaded look of disapproval or astonishment, which we would probably read as disapproval towards us when in fact they are probably astonished that someone feels and thinks the same as they do.

God I hope that wasn’t too confusing.

But then who cares if it was I know what I meant.

Love Sue

[Muffins]

How are you doing, Daryl??

Just letting you know that you and your wife are being thought of, and that many well wishes
are being sent your way....

God Bless You Both!

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster

[Miss Mew]

Dear Daryl,
I know what you mean about "running out of words". Our hearts want to say so much to the people that come here, but we find ourselves tongue-tied. At the risk of sounding as if I am on this man's staff or payroll - I assure you that I am not, I would like to quote again from Martin Goldstein DVM's book "The Nature of Animal Healing".
" If losing a pet is hard at first, sometimes the harder time is later: a month later, three months, a year or more. If our pets were loved and loving members of our families- and what pet was ever not? - we cannot help but keenly feel their absence long after the shock of their death. Unfortunatlely, no one outside our families can appreciate that grief ---at all! Your closest friends may be genuinely sympathetic when they first hear the news. A week later, if you tell them you're still feeling sad, they'll listen with barely masked impatience. Still grieving, a week later over a DOG-CAT? Come on they're thinking: life goes on! A fellow pet owner may extend more sympathy, but the truth is that too many of us must bear the long-term sorrow of a pet's passing alone. Once we realize that, we often fell more reluctant to STOP mourning. If beings live as long as they're remembered, we reason, then our pets' last vestige of existence is the memories we cherish of them. We ought not forget them, it's true, but if animals do have spirits, as I know they do, those spirits are zipping around happily free of their worn-out bodies, and we need not cling to our memories of them in a bleak or sorrowful way. That's one comfort to get us beyond mourning. The other is to find a new pet.
Most of us , when we first consider the prospect of a new pet to replace our "old" one , feel sharply conflicted. The very idea seems disrespectful to the pet we loved. That pet was an individual being, unique on this earth. You don't bring in a new one to take his place as you'd buy a new sofa to replace the one that you carted off to the dump. And what about us? We can't just transfer our love from one animal to the next. Anyway, no pet could be as loving, intelligent,and communicative as the pet we recently lost.
I sympathize with those feelings, but in my experience, both personally and professionally, they're misguided, Getting a new pet, rather than not, has proved to be, without exception, the right decision to make. And the sooner the better.
Consider, first, that in doing so, you're probably saving that next pet's life, or at the least assuring him a happy home. Not enough people in this world are willing to take on the responsibilities of properly caring for a pet. You are--and so you should. If you can make such a positive difference in another being's life, don't you want to do that? "

Thank you Dr. Goldstein for having the right words and thank you Lightning-Strike for being the extended family that knows just what it feels like.
Nicole

[Daryl]

Hello everyone,

I apologize for taking so long to post a real reply to all of your heartfelt and well-thought-out messages. My wife and I spent all day in an art class together on Saturday. Sunday was spent sleeping, paying bills, doing chores, and running errands. After a busy morning of trying to fix a friend's computer, I'm at work now covering 2nd shift on some 'round-the-clock testing. This is nice, semi-mindless duty. Nearly everyone else has gone home. It's quiet, I only need to check on the equipment every half hour or so, and I finally have time to give each of your messages the careful reading they deserve. I'll work my way backward through them because, well, I'm feeling a little backward and perverse tonight. { {Just dug my way back to your October 16th message.} Where to start? Between you and me, I fear we can overload the system with our posts! Seriously, though, it's sweet that you take so much time and put so much thought into writing here and answering messages. Thanks! Now, let's dig in...!

Meditation helps, for sure. I'd be lying, though, if I said that my eyes didn't tear up in longing at the very idea of an extended personal retreat. I'd love some time away from responsibility and worry, a chance to live on biological time instead of clock time, and to get back into things like writing, wrestling with the guitar and flute, relaxing, cuddling.... But then, I'm just enough of a control freak that I would still worry if the cats were being offered the right food at the proper times each day, etc.! Can't escape from myself, I guess.

Have I ever tried journal writing? Oh, yeah! I've been off my writing regimen lately, but I used to be pretty good about journaling on a regular basis. And if things are going wrong in my life, my notebook is usually the first thing I grab! (You should see the pages I filled while trapped at my sister's house with my emotionally autistic family in the days right after my cat friend Lilly -- the one in my avatar -- was killed!) Because I wasn't free to express my feelings verbally when I was young, I learned to write them out in my journal. It was the one place I could be honest about how I felt without having to worry about being punished or ridiculed for it. So, over time my journal just became the place where I sorted things out and thought them through. Even if most of what I wrote was just crap, I'd eventually find my way closer to something true.

This time, though, I've depended upon more interactive writing, like what I'm doing right now in this forum. In my journal, I find that too often I just whine my way around the same old circles again and again and again. In here, I can't do that so easily -- the sharp and loving folks here catch on to those things pretty quickly and make me think about things from different angles.

What you said about Lightning Strike helping you "in life.... with life .... getting through life...." -- yeah. I've been wanting a place like that (like this?) myself. It somehow doesn't feel like enough to only come here when the loss is immediate and sharp. Each of our animal companions influences us for the rest of our lives, even after they're gone, and their physical absence from our lives is always a dull ache just below the skin. There needs to be some ongoing sense of community with others who share the same experiences and feelings. Not so that we can keep wallowing in grief forever, but so that we can share the ability to move on, to keep living and loving and smiling despite having felt that intense grief and loss.

What do you all think? Is this the right kind of place for that kind of community?

I've been feeling bad because right now this one thread is all I can manage to support in here, and it started out being all about me and my lost feeling. Okay, thank goodness it's grown beyond that! But, like you, I've been feeling guilty for not posting in reply to all of the people who come in here with their hearts gushing grief over newly deceased or dying loved ones. As you said, even when you're here and able to give your all, it is still hard to give to everyone. It feels overwhelming.

So, Denise, it helped me a LOT to read your words, that simply by being here and writing -- even if not in direct reply to each message -- we are still contributing and helping. I very much needed to hear that, and I pray it really is true.

All-in-all, an awesome reply to my post, Denise. Each time I read it, I glean a little more. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Patti, I know I already briefly answered your last post (October 16) earlier, but I'd like to end this huge missive again with yours. I was surprised when you said you laughed aloud, and that my post about the dog shelter encounter left you with a smile on your lips. Well, reading that put a smile on my lips, too. Thanks for seeing -- and picking up on -- the positive at a time when I was feeling so negative. You gave me a nice boost.

I have to warn you (and others), though, that with this slight bit of encouragement I might NEVER shut up! You'd soon be saying, "Oh, good grief! Here comes Daryl with another one of his cat stories again. How many times have we heard THIS one???? "

But your post really encouraged me to open up, and to realize that maybe talking about having fun and falling in love again is not necessarily inappropriate in a forum about death and grief. They are both part of the same circle of life, and hope and love and laughter are the ropes that pull us out of our pit of grief and despair.

Now you've got me wondering.... Is it that feeling of one-sidedness that makes many of us eventually feel inadequate when we try to reply to people whose grief is fresh? I mean, we need and want to maintain an atmosphere here of sacredness, sensitivity, and appropriateness. The losses and grief we've all been through, and that bring others here, deserve our utmost respect and gentle handling. But the aftermath, learning to get up and walk again after grief has clubbed us to our knees, is part of the process, too.

What is an appropriate way to handle that in a forum like this?

And oh, yes, Patti! I've learned SO MUCH from my animal families and friends!!! They live life directly, moment-to-moment. When a cat sees a mouse, she doesn't turn it into an abstract image of "mouse" and distance herself from the immediate experience. She is right there, right now, with that mouse. And they give and love just as directly and honestly. With each animal companion, I learn something new. I wish I'd known what I know now when Smokey was alive. I could have given her an even better life if I'd understood her lessons when she was still here. But Kela benefitted from Smokey's lessons to me, and Kirby and Summer benefitted from what both Smokey and Kela taught me.

Thanks, Patti.


Love and gratitude and blessings to you all!!!!

-- Daryl

[Gort]

Gort -- I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, too. Sounds like we're in exactly the same place. I wish one of us had at least thought to bring beer...!

Hi Daryl

Ya maybe beer is the answer... just kidding. Alchol is a depresent and lately I tend to be depressed well enough on my own without outside help. When I read this the first time, I thought of that old Hank Snow song...'There's a tear in my beer and I'm crying for you dear", not that I am a big country fan, especially that old schmultz.

Ya I am still here, reading everyday for the most part. I just haven't been able to come up with something 'new' to say. Glad to hear that things are improving or so it sounds. I was actually pretty productive yesterday and I will be heading out to the field shortly.

I used to keep a journal / diary as a youth but after finding that my parents were regualar readers of it, I stopped. Now I only keep a journal when I go on big trips so that i can keep some details of where I went and what I saw. I've went to Europe in 2000 and again this year for the 60th anniversary of D-Day. I'm a WWII history buff. In 2000 I was touring around Europe for 7 weeks and I was gone a little over 3 weeks this past June. Between the 2 trips, I have about 200 pages of memories and information in my 'trip journals'.

I remember when I was camped near Omaha beach in June, I was socializing with some Dutch couples and got the usual comments about being a long way from home. "Don't you get home sick?" My answer, "the biggest thing I miss was my dog, Ava." Hence I have felt guilt about the 10 weeks that I was not with her. It's not a serious guilt complex, just, I now wish I could have spent those 10 weeks with her.

All in all, things are slowly getting better. I have often thought about getting a new fur buddy. I'm not ready yet. Still too many memories of Ava.

I've toyed with a kitten serveral times but my last cat (Mott who wondered off to die after 17 to 18 years with me) had some sort of bladder problem towards the end. My carpet still has stains dispite the multiple shampooings in some of the corners and behind some of the furniture. I'm not too sure what kind of odors are remaining (I can't smell anything but my understanding a cat's nose is about 50 times more sensitive than ours). So I am reluctant to go there in case these old spots become new spots for a new kitten/cat.

Getting a new puppy is out of the question I think. Living on my own now, I don't think I have the time to properly train a puppy and perhaps it wouldn't be fair to a pup seeing as my days can be up to 10 hours long with the occasional out of town trip for several days. Perhaps a dog around 1 year old if I can find one that suits me. I'll check the shelters when I think I'm really ready.

Other wise... one step at a time, day by day. Slowly I am on the mend as I hope all of us are. The fog is still there, just not quite as thick as it was. Can't wait for the sun to burn it all off.

[gingerspal]

Hi Folks!
Well I have read all this from my last reply..so I am all caught up. I really like this thread because it is the groundbreaking "we can talk about something personal" thread that I have occassionally longed for. Daryl..you were so "brave" to start it!
I haven't been here for a couple of days and I see a few new posts. It always makes me sink a little to see the new posts...yet I know those folks surely need an arm put round them so I do plan to reply. And in my "real life", my significant others daughter called the other day to report that her cat (who is older than the hills) is piddling all over her nice apartment. Sigh. I am relieved that she will still have her younger companion a yorkshire terrier (but she lets him go without a leash alot and if ever I see them in person I spend alot of time cringing). Caring about all of that is sort of a curse, but it is how I am.
Daryl I was interested that you and Joann took an art class! That is my main focus right now and I am beginning to understand a bit about what is meant by "art therapy" (which, despite a bit of an art background, I generally chalked up as new age-y tripe!)--sometimes it is surprising what will help us! I paint right along side ginger's ashes (just like we painted "together" when he was alive)--and the leaf that fell INTO my PALM (surely, a present from my ginger!) is sitting right next to his ashes. I get "lost" in painting these days but when I "come to" I always talk to ginger--and thank him --I consider him my muse.
I am so fortunate I don't have a corporate job like I used to have. I will be honest though when I did 3/4's of the time I felt like I was "in a fog"--and I had not lost a pet back then!! So in some ways I wonder about those of you who are in the midst of the fog--whether it is pet loss induced or rat race induced. or both. Wish I could just have you all over here for a big wingding--Gort could play music. lol.
Well that is all for now. Thanks again, Daryl for your kind words. Many people here have thanked me for something I have written, but it is I who should be thanking all of you! It may be somewhat of an overstatement, but I feel like we are like "foxhole" buddies--going through harsh cir%%stances together (and somehow the "together" part makes it more bearable).
{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Patti

[4theluvofdgs]

I totally feel the same things that so many of you on hear have shared. Im glad you've shared with us all because I know now that Im not crazy. Since Dakotas death I walk around the house trying to get done the things that I need to do. I make lists, I dont complete them........make another list, loose it, etc. Im trying to get things ready for the new puppy next Monday and Im wondering if Ill have enough energy for the little guy ! Im sure I will be excited when he gets here, but with the days growing colder and darker my moods are sinking too. I find myself waking up at 3:30 or 4:00 am and just sitting looking into the darkness.When I wake I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The house, since Dakota is gone, is strange feeling. Almost a eery feeling. Like Ive said before, Im sure its a process.

Anyways, I keep trying to look forward to Monday when our new little fellow comes into our lives. Im sure hell keep me on my toes !

Im thinking and praying for all of you !
Colleen