I Just Want To Be With My Trevor Options

[Bobbie]

Oh my, I just want to still be with my Trevor. I miss him as much today (almost two weeks after he died) as I did the moment he left this earth. I really don't care where this place would be, I just don't want him back here on earth with his suffering and pain. I just want to hold my soft, precious boy, touch his wonderful little feet, rub the bridge of his hose with my fingers, soak in the amazing sight of this dog who came into my life and made it so wonderful.
I cry every day, many times a day. I feel so badly for the few times I got frustrated with his constant peeing or whatever. I tried not to get frustrated often, and I didn't, but I feel so sorry for those times that I did.
I want to be with my Trevor, now and forever. I am so alone, lonely, quiet and sad, sad, sad without my hunky bunky near me. Trevor, I miss you with all that I am, all that I will be and all that I have been. I know this must make you feel sad, too, and I really don't want that at all. I just don't know what to do when this feeling comes rushing through my heart and I would give everything I have to be with you again. I know I could have done more for and with you and I didn't take advantage of all the time we did have. Oh, how I wish I had it now. I love you, Trevor. I just plain adore you, even now that you are on a different plane than I am.
And it is almost impossible to be slowly picking up your pads and blankets. Every time I do, I feel that I am betraying you and giving you a signal that I am putting you a bit farther back in my thoughts and my heart. That is absolutely not, nor ever will, be true. You and I were and are a team, like no other. I feel, no I wish that I felt, that we have become one, now, with your soul intertwined with mine. Maybe it has and that is one reason I feel so badly and miss you so, so much.
I miss you, my Trevor Forever "a fella you can trust", my one of a kind, my boy. Please forgive me for crying so much. I'll get better, I promise. For now, my dear, sweet angel, I give you my love, my heart, my thoughts and my loyalty. Just like you gave to me, every single day.

I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh Bob

Two weeks is nothing on the rocky road of grief and loss. Someone here called the experience the roller coaster from hell. Just about the time you think you're feeling a little better - in comes either genuine renewed sadness or, if that's somehow off its job, GUILT for feeling a little bit better rushes in to fill the void! Trevor's and your souls are totally enmeshed - they are part of one single being. Always have been, always will be. He had the good fortune to be born as a dog, you had the misfortune to be born as a person, and then get some early mental and emotional and spiritual training that, if you're anywhere near my age, told you that you were BAD, BADDER, BADDEST! Even when you were good = especially when you were good. Guilt was instilled into us oldsters at our spinal cord level and we can't get rid of it without getting rid of bodily functions such as breathing or heartbeat.

One good thing about the human system is that the emotional memory of intense pain (or happiness, too, I suppose) fades with time. And it's a good thing, too, becasue if it didn't who would EVER have two children! It's no accident that doctors give retrograde amnesia-producing medicine to women who have just had babies!! So the stabbing pain dulls a little bit - although I don't know if it really ever dulls beyond the cement block on your heart stage - hafta see. Dogs, all animals really, are SOOOOOOOO lucky. They can see the truth without all those layers of human brain-nonsense. Who loves me? Who do I love? Who is kind? Who isn't? Who is truthful? Who isn't? And most important of all, who is the one person in the universe whose soul is a part of mine? I think there was an old Elizabethan-era poem about two human "lovers" who were kept apart from some reason (probably family) but who planted two rose vines, one on each side of their respective fences - one to grow red roses and one to grow white ones. The poem was about how the vine became so intertwined that they could not be separated - and eventually became a single vine. That's what soul-mates are. They're enmeshed and nothing can disentagle them. Immediate feelings have nothing to do with that. That's just brain chemistry left over from the cave-man days that made it possible to go out hunting for food after a hunting accident!

The puppy pads - just pick them up for the home visit and put them right back down again. Who says you can't? Keep 'em until the new carpet is in and if you feel like it, put them back down again!! It's truly hell on earth not having someone soft and loving to love. That's why I was so quick to get Rufus. I thought of it as the empty-arms syndrome - I had all this love to give and no one to give it to. That's the loneliest I have ever been! No, Rufus isn't a "replacement dog." He's loved for himself - just like any new dog will be in your life. That doesn't change the enmeshment of souls one iota! The wonderful thing about love is (contrary to the old-fashioned upbringing we no doubt got) that it (a) does NOT have to be earned - beyond a basic level of decent behavior, and (b) it's infinite - in both directions. No matter how much you give away, there's always an infinite amount "left." That's hard to understand because we live in a 'zero-sum" world - if you get something more that means I will have to have less of something. Love is NOT like this. Give it all away - your whole heart and soul - and voila - there's just as much as when you started. It's amazing and really hard to focus on when you're hurting. This I know for sure: nothing, no one, no time will your love for Trevor EVER diminish one speck. It's Trevor FOREVER and that's for real.

Talk to you later.

Gretta's mom

[leejaye]

Dear Bobbie, No words can really ease your pain right now, but it really is Mr Trevor Forever - he is part of you and will never leave you, it's just so so very hard adjusting to our furry soul's physical absence, especially when you cared for him so intensively. 2 weeks is no time at all, and i think i felt worse in the 2nd week, there is no time frame or schedule for our hearts to look at and use as a measure to feel better - this journey is up and down and back and forth, the best we can do is ride with it and be gentle with ourselves. Sending you hugs today Leejaye

[Bobbie]

Thanks so much, Leejaye.
Your words are kind and comforting, just the softness i need right now when everything hurts so badly. I took some Tylenol to help with the physical pain all over my body, but I guess what I really need is a couple of Trevor-nols.
Thank you for being there, with all the right words, when I need you.

Blessings.....................
Bobbie

[Bobbie]

I'm still so sad and miss Trevor............................................

[Gretta's Mom]

We're here for you ............. cheering you on through all of our tears, especially yours.

XOXO

Gretta's mom

[leejaye]

Dear Bobbie, I wish i had more than words to give you but i'm glad you found some comfort in them, before i lost Mischief I had no idea about the physical side effects of grief - i hurt all over, my head ached, my muscles ached, i didn't want to know about food - i hope you have someone there to look after you the way you looked after Trevor, i hope you can get some sleep, i hope tomorrow is easier, sending you all the hugs i have Leejaye

[Alfiebaby]

Dear Bobbie,

Thinking of you, I hope you find some peace soon With love ***x

[Bobbie]

Thank you so much for the sweet wishes!

Yesterday was 2 weeks since Trevor's passing and it was a very hard day. The house was so quiet and I was stuck at home waiting for a home inspection that never took place. Finally, about 2:00 pm I left to go visit Trevor at the cemetery. Got there, started walkinig to his grave and saw that someone had scattered his Beanie Baby dogs all over the place! I never did find the last one. I was so upset and couldn't stop crying in anger and sadness. I did go to the office and reported the event, but what can they do? I was really sad the res of the day and even fell asleep right after supper.

This morning I went out and bought 5 new beanie baby-like doggies. I put the toughest looking one on Trevor's grave, too. Maybe that will make a difference. I know that sounds totally childish and stupid, but it made me feel better and didn't hurt anyone, so.....it's OK.

Still, every minute I want to be with Trevor. Every day I think of how I wasted time doing other things that really didn't matter, instead of spending that time with Trevor, especially at the end. I wear the locket day and night and caress it so often. I have his picture everywhere and little notes to him scattered throughout the house. But it's not enough and it's not the same. I miss my little love bug more every day. Although I know that I am (very) slowly healing, I'm still very sad and not happy with the situation at all!

Again, thanks for your beautiful thoughts! Will write more tomorrow!

I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!

[Ollie's Mama]

Hi, Bobbie. I am relatively new here but just wanted to let you know that I've been following your story and am so, so sorry for everything you've been going through. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, but I've been thinking of you often and wishing you comfort and peace.

I totally know how you feel about feeling like you "wasted" time that you feel could have been spent with Trevor...I still feel like that, too, about my Ollie (if you haven't read his story, he had chronic renal failure, which is terminal, so I was anticipatorily grieving his loss for a long time). But it helps me to remember what my husband pointed out: that Ollie wouldn't have wanted me to have acted anything but normal. He wouldn't have wanted me to spend extra time with him staring at him and crying...he was much better off with everyone going about their normal routines and with life going on normally (well, as normally as possible). I don't know if I'm saying it right (I have a four-year-old, don't sleep much, and am subject to brain melt a lot : ) ), but I think our furry babies take comfort in things being business as usual, to the extent that it's possible. And I know with all my heart that over the years you have heaped lots and lots of love on Trevor! But I know how it feels to wish so desperately for more time with them...oh, man, how I know.

I am so sorry that someone scattered Trevor's Beanie Babies - that's so awful! Hopefully, it was a little kid who didn't know any better - I can't imagine why anyone would do that otherwise. Good for you for replacing them and for doing what it takes to feel better.

What you said ("Although I know that I am (very) slowly healing, I'm still very sad and not happy with the situation at all!") exactly sums up how I feel, and tomorrow will be two months. I'm sorry that I don't have anything really helpful to say, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and that you're not alone on your journey. Hang in there, Bobbie, and please continue to let us know how you're doing.

Love,
Terri

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I have been struggling to know what to say for I feel the depth of your grief. I am so very sorry that the beanie babies were scattered. Unfortunately there are some folks who have little respect for resting places, which is one of the many reasons why leaving momentoes are discouraged by the owners and caretakers of cemeteries. I'm glad you were able to find more beanie babies to replace the one that is missing, and hope that you will not have to endure this invasion of your beloved Trevor's resting place again. Does the cemetery permit little fences to be placed around individual resting places? If so, this may help to discourage any further disturbances.

I totally agree with Terri about our precious furkids wanting us to go about the daily routines as normally as possible. This is comforting to them. They know they are the center of our universe - - always and forever - - because love is eternal and is not bound by the physical laws of time and space - - both during their earthly journey with us as well as when they precede us to the angels. So please let your heart be at peace, Bobbie -- you never neglected your precious Trevor during his earthly journey.

Bobbie, I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief journey, and if there were I would most certainly share it with you and each of our friends on this forum. Unfortunately it can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, - - enduring through the most painful experience we will know on this side of eternity. We are here for you, Bobbie, through every step of your journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bobbie, and am here with you and beside you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Bobbie]

Thank you for your thoughtful and so very kind messages, Ollie's Mama and Moon Beam,

That is one of the nicest parts of this forum. At least someone is always there for us, helping us and carrying us over the roughest parts.

Went to visit Trevor again today and his grave was truly desecrated this time. We took pictures and I talked to the Assistant Shelter Director, who was very upset. I sent her te pictures along with a complete description of both events and she promised me this would be investigated, etc. Poor Trevor, can't even get a break in death. Well, this Mama is going to make sure this never happens again.

Second, I got a beautiful message from Trevor's neurologist from U of Penn. It made my heart melt and know that we had found the best. I mentioned perhaps writing a little manual or book about Trevor and/or special needs little dogs. He supported me 100% and even offered to write the Forward!

My sister Jeanne told me tonight that she believes that Trevor is a White Buffalo. I have to believe her. I am blessed.

Have a good night, everyone!

Love,
Bobbie and her White Buffalo

[Kristina]

Oh Bobbie that is horrible! I cannot believe someone is so heartless as to do something that terrible to someones sweet pets grave. It literally makes me sick. I hope something can be done to figure out who is doing it, and I hope charges of some sort are pressed on that person(s)

But that is good news about the doctor. I firmly believe that just because our veterinarians are men/women of science, they have bigger hearts than we imagine. They have to, to have gotten in to their lines of work.

Thinking about you my friend, and sending love your way.

[raerae777]

Oh Bobbie, just being able to get caught up with how you are doing. I am so sorry about Trevor's grave, that is terrible and I hope you won't have to experience it again. I have worried about some wild animal messing with Cinder's grave, but so far so good. I love your idea for a book and I'm so glad Trevor's neurologist is supportive! Trevor would like a book about him I'm sure.

Thinking of you and your white buffalo. I hope you have a peaceful week, Bobbie.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama

[Bobbie]

To anyone who doesn't know it (yet) - every single person on this site is truly an angel! I do not know how I would be surviving Trevor's final illness and death without each and every one of you!

Cinder's mom and Kristina are just the latest people to life me up exactly when and how I need it. Moon Beam, LoveMyMickey, Alfiebaby, leejaye, the list goes on and on. I have never had such love sent my way - ever. Of course, at least as much of that love goes straight to Mr. Trevor, who was sent to me for a myraid of reasons that I am only now beginning to understand. The city built a statue of our former Mayor. I should build one for Trevor! (although it would only look like a lump of clay - I'm no artist.)

But, sometimes, I have a way with words and that can be my monument to Trevor. I did write one book, once, but never published it. I can do it again!

Now don't go thinking that I am all happy, etc. Nope, still so very sad and lonely. Only all of you would understand (and accept) that. But I will move forward with those tiny baby steps, with Trevor and all of you by my side and it will turn out beautifully!

Everyone, have a peaceful and kind day! Y'all deserve it!

Bobbie

[Gretta's Mom]

Hi Bobbie

Trevor IS finding, has found peace, rest. joy, fun, his Perfect World. Those punks who are messing with his souvenirs somehow feel his power, too, and are made uncomfortable by it because of their bad hearts. Trevor's grave souvenirs, like Trevor, have special powers. They are touchstone - people who honor them are blessed, people who dishonor them, well, you know what the opposite is. Trevor is alive and well and working his miracles. Look at all the people, including his UPenn neurologist who gave him and you the gift of a CORRECT DIAGNOSIS and who said his life was blessed by the part Trevor has played in it. Here's a guy who's seen probably hundreds of animals, meets Trevor for maybe a half hour and considers his life so blessed that he knows Trevor's lessons need to be shared with the world and even offered to write the foreword. Honors, truly deserved, keep showing themselves. (And, yes, I know that despite all this, your heart and your arms are still empty. As you said, it IS sad, so sad. Rufus and Gretta and I give you all our love and strength today.)

Gretta's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Bobbie, I am deeply, very deeply, saddened about Trevor's resting place being desecrated. You did the right thing about taking pictures and giving copies of them to the Assistant Director. I truly hope and pray that he /she is able to work with the police to catch the people responsible - -and prosecute regardless of their ages.

I am so very glad you got much comforting support from Trevor's neurologist, and I truly love the idea of you doing a book on special needs companions. Not only will this help others but it will also be a labor of love for you - - in dedication to your beloved Trevor. This beats a cement or bronze statue anytime!!!

Bobbie, as always I hope today, and each day forward, is being and will be kind to you, and that your evenings will be peaceful blessed with your Trevor's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[leejaye]

Dear Bobbie, The desecration of Trevor's grave is absolutely disgusting, not once, but twice, incidents like this remind me all over again why i prefer animals to most people, I'm with Moon_beam - reporting it was absolutely the right thing, I hope they catch the miscreants and prosecute them to the full extent of the law. What a fantastic tribute to Trevor that book would be, go for it!! Sending you some big hugs today Leejaye

[Bobbie]

Tonight, I had a chance to touch my sweet, sweet Trevor's hair once again. It was as soft as I remembered it and, for a slight moment, I was laying my hand on top of Trevor's little foot. It brought me a joy that I cannot describe.

I know this whole paragraph must sound wierd or creepy, but it's really not. When Dr. Sorrells was shaving the hair from Trevor's leg, in order to perfrom the euthanasia, Stan and I collected every strand that we could and put it in a Ziploc bag. That way we had an actual "part" of Trevor, the only reasonable part of Trevor that we could treasure for the rest of our lives. We also shared some of the hair with Trevor's Grandmom and Grandpop. I now have a few strands of Trevor's hair in the new locket Stan bought me, just for that purpose. And the rest we have to always remember the true color of Trevor's hair and the actual softness that never changed. A small, physical part of Trevor is really with us. and it's not gross at all. Right now, we still have the baggie in our downstairs where we can go and be a bit closer to Trevor. When we are ready, the baggie will be placed in the special chest where we keep everything that we want to remember from each of our boys. There are socks that Kelly used to play tug-o-war with his daddy; a 101 Dalmations outfit that Birney wore, under protest, when he was cold, all the cards and letters we've received from those so dear to our hearts remembering each of the boys. Everything is in there, safe and sound. And, once in awhile, when I need to, I open the chest and go through the contents, remembering the wonderful Crocker, Birney, Kelly, Jasper, Rudy and now Trevor that graced our days and nights in so many different ways.

I am sadder than sad again tonight. I mss my Trevor fiercely. But I have a little piece of heaven to help remind me of the joy and love that still exists between Trevor and me.

Good night, my little one. Mommy loves you!

[raerae777]

Bobbie,

That is not weird at all! After we put Cinder down, all of us (mom, dad, and boyfriend) combed the whole house and truck gathering Cinder's hair and putting it in a ziploc bag. I keep it in one of my drawers and take it out to feel and smell her hair sometimes. I'm so grateful my family did this for me without thinking I was crazy. I still find her hair around the house sometimes. I go lay on her doggy bed with my face in it inhaling sometimes and that makes me feel a little crazy, but oh well it makes me feel better. So, no, you're not crazy and it's not creepy, but perfectly normal (at least to me)! As long as you feel close to your Trevor, it doesn't matter.

I hope you have a wonderful week. Always thinking of you and sweet Trevor.

Much love.

Cinder's Mama