Does It Ever Get Better? Options

[CheriAnn]

Hello,
I am new here, and unfortunately, I found myself in need of searching for a support group as wonderful as this one is. Since I am new here, I hope I don't do this wrong or say anything that I shouldn't. So, please forgive me if I make a mistake or if this is too long. I am doing this at the suggestion of a friend to help me with my grief.
I had to make that terrible decision yesterday to end my dog's suffering. Rachael was a black lab, 12 years old and she was my very best friend. She had developed arthritis a year ago, so I watched her slow down. Yet, her spirit was still like a puppy and you never knew if she was suffering. She still wanted to run and chase her tennis ball, lay her in "kiddie" pool, and always happy, wagging her tail. Her mind was always alert, right up to yesterday when I took her to the vet. However, last Tuesday she just suddenly became too weak and could barely get up and down. She stopped eating and just laid around all the time. My husband and I took her to the vet and were horrified to discover she had been bleeding internally for quite some time. She never showed that anything was wrong, other then having to get up and down slowly, which I assumed was from her arthritis (which adds more guilt for me). Since she's had tumors removed in the past, we know she had that terrible history and indication of cancer. The vet gave us medications to treat a bleeding ulcer, in hopes that was the problem. The vet did tell us that if she didn't get better, it was the worst case, from a cancerous tumor and there was nothing we could do. We prayed and watched over her from Tuesday night until yesterday afternoon. She just wasn't getting any better. Each day we watched her grow weaker and drop weight, since she wouldn't eat. By yesterday morning, when we picked her up and got her steady, she wouldn't even try to walk anymore. Her breathing started sounding louder, like she was having trouble. I knew I had to end her suffering, but she didn't make it easy. She was still so alert! She would pick her head up and look at us when we entered the room and wag her tail. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life! I battled with the guilt of ending her life. Did I have the right thing, or should I have let "Mother Nature" do it? Well, I decided I had to love her enough to let her go peacefully before the suffering just got even worse.
My next hardest decision was being with her when it happened. I didn't think I could handle watching her pass, yet I felt I owed it to her to be there, holding her when she passed. I did lay with her and hold her, as I watched her take her last breath.
I expect the pain and mourning, she was with me for so many years, and as you all have expressed, they all have their own unique traits that will never be forgotten. But my question is does the pain ever get bareable? I know it just happened yesterday, but will I always be haunted by the sight her passing? That is what tears me up the most. I made that decision and I watched as it happened. That just tears me up and makes me feel so guilty. Is there anything I can do to get through this period?
I should also mention, we have an adorable 3 years old black lab male, Danny. I know he will have to adjust to not having her around anymore too. He just loved her so much too! He would always go and lay down right next to her all the time. I'm trying so hard to not cry in front of him.

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[deedee]

In answer to your question, yes, it does get better. Humans have a remarkable capacity to "forget" pain - if we didn't, no woman would ever have more than one child and we wouldn't be able to function after the death of a loved one. You will get to the point where you remember what Rachael was like during ALL of the periods of her life, not just the last sad few weeks and days. The growing ill and frail was but one part of the beautiful life that you shared together. In time (which is different for everyone), the long walks you took will come back and you will feel good about them, the memory of her splashing around in water, her curling up on the floor next to your feet will become a good memory, mixed with a stab of longing. Things will remind you of her, and it will be good to remember. Grief is a process and now it seems unbearable. The grief will lessen in time. I know - I did the hard, right thing for Oswald.

Initially, all I could think about was Oswald old. He had kidney failure, his fur was falling out and quit growing back and he stopped eating. I knew he was dying - animals will eat until they enter the last stage - survival is hard-wired into them. (Animals are great at hiding their weakness. If they showed their weakness in the wilds, they would be killed, so they do not show it until the later stages when it is often too late to help them.) The vet said that I could inject him with fluids, but it might not work or if it did, it might not work for long. I chose to honour the second part of my promise - a good life and a dignified, good death. You did the same for your beloved Rachael, and you are suffering now because you took care of her last need. At first, all I could think about was the last few days with him and that trip to the vet. The pain (and guilt feelings) were overwhelming. I would come across some of his fur on the couch or rug, and burst into tears. I wanted him back, but not the way he was in the last week or so, not back into his suffering.

Later, I started to remember what he was like as a kitten, an adult, an old cat and everything inbetween. Because the young and healthy part is just as "real" as their old age and passing. You made the choice to be with her in her final moments - believe that she felt the love you were giving her. That is ultimately all that matters - your love for each other.

Please don't feel guilty. It seems to be part and parcel of grief, but it is very hard to deal with. Know that you did what was best for Rachael and you were both blessed to have shared each others lives for this short journey.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Dee Dee

[gingerspal]

Hi Cheri,
deedee said it all perfectly. I am here at this board because I lost my Ginger-cat after surgery due to an accident...but years ago I did have to have my lhasa apso euthanized. I remember it was the toughest day of my life up to that point. I was not as brave as you..I did not stay with her while it was done. She wasn't like your dog though in the "alert" department. You're staying because Rachael was cognizant was a wonderful gift to her. I am certain she felt no fear at all...because you were there just as you had always been. What a wonderful pet owner you are! You are correct of course that the trade off is that you are saddled with some imagery that you could do without..but as dee dee says in time this fades and is replaced with the wonderful memories. When I lost Ginger I wondered just what you are wondering...how LONG can I feel this miserable?? looking back I can't give you a number of days when the shift came..but it did indeed come. I can think about Ginger and not be consumed in tears! It will happen for you too.
You have asked what to do to try to make yourself feel better. Lots of us write up a tribute in the memorial forum. Doing that is helpful because you can get these fond memories out into the open and share them with all of us! You may as well commit these memories and ideas to paper/cyberspace..because these things are whirling around inside just wanting to "get out" and for the next few days they are all you are going to be able to think about anyway. You may as well "honor" that and the thing is, we are interested! Write up a tribute to your beautiful Racheal and post it..you will be surprised how it helps you.
Secondly any kind of physical activity is really good for you. Brisk walking--biking ..whatever ..try to get outside and get your blood pumping..you might cry so take tissues with you!
A little retail therapy might help. I bought some things in honor of Ginger--I got a suncatcher for the yard (which I really LOVE) --it was actually quite inexpensive but I spent quite awhile shopping for it. Don't ask me why but it helped. I also invested in a very cool locket where I keep a tuft of Ginger's fur. Since I am a sometimes painter I also painted a picture (through tears) and that also "helped me". This initial stage is very taxing, I don't have to tell you! But cry the "healing" tears...and tell us how it all goes--we will be here.
It has often been written here that you took on the pain so that your pet could be relieved of hers. Your Racheal is now 100% happy and healthy and in total bliss at the rainbow bridge! She knows you gave her the most wonderful gift in exchange for all her unconditional love for you throughout her whole life!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am thinking of you! You did everything exactly right.
Love,
Patti

[dietersmom]

Hi CheriAnn,
Both Deedee and Patti have given you some wonderful advice. It's been a little over 3 weeks since we had to make the same decision for our Miniature Schnauzer, Dieter. I'm still a little raw, but want to help you if I can. I can tell you that I'm better today than I was then. For several days, I was so grief stricken all I could do was sit on the sofa and cry, reading anything on the web to explain my feelings, and like you, I wondered would I ever get better. With the wonderful advice from people here, I've begun to heal.

Rachael was with you for 12 wonderful years, and you provided her with her every need and that leaves a hole, an emptiness that is not something to get over quickly.

My little guy was fine up until the last 5 days of his life. I knew he was a little "senior citizen" but he didn't let on how terrible he really felt. He still had interest in his special KD food and would eat ice chips from my hand. I kept wondering, won't he get better, is it really time. Just the night before when we brought him home from the Emergency Vet Clinic, he was running wild through the house and howling and barking, and wanting a frozen grape (those were a favorite of his). But, the next morning we got the bad news that he had 5 masses in his liver and having had a malignant melanoma removed from his neck 9 months before, it was 90% chance of cancer. On that last day, my husband and I consulted with two Veterinarian's regarding his condition, and and we could send him to the University of Georgia Veterinary Medical School for surgery, because it is such an invasive surgery, but if it was cancer there was nothing that could be done. Or we could let nature take it's course, or do what I could to see him through with as little pain as possible in passing from this life to the next. I knew in my heart it was time even though it ripped my heart out to have to make that decision.

You loved your Rachael enough to see her through with a peaceful end, not a painful and lingering one. Always remember that, that is what she would have wanted and depended on you to take care of her til the end. I too, wondered how I would handle being there when they put him to sleep, but how could I not, I was his Mommy and he depended on me and he would have been frightened. I'm glad I did it for him, even though I don't like to remember it, I did it for him, and I know I made his passing from this life to the next the best it could be. I think of how humans that have a terminal illness and are in so much pain have no choice, but to endure it until their bodies give up the fight. I'm glad to have had the option for Dieter to not have that pain and leave this life with dignity. 3 weeks ago I couldn't have said these things.

CheriAnn, some of the things I've found helpful is reading people's journeys through this, and like Patti said, making a tribute to Rachael will help you tell the world how special she was. I haven't been able to make that step just yet. I'm so sorry for your loss and encourage you to come here often and write, it really helps and you will find so many people here to listen and offer so much love and just a safe place to help you at this time.
{{{{{{{CheriAnn}}}}}}}
You and your family are in my thoughts
Libby

[LS Support]

the old adage, time heals all wounds, is true. hang in there, give yourself time, do it at your own pace, find those
who support you and stay away from those who dont. time heals.

[CheriAnn]

Oh, you all have been so great! I am SO happy I found this wonderful forum. I really have gained some wonderful advice, that is really going to help me heal.
I am so glad you shared your stories with me, especially Libby, when you are still feeling so raw. I know your stories are very personal but it really helps me realize that I am not alone.
I absolutely loved the statement, "you took on the pain so that your pet could be relieved of hers". That actually makes me feel a little better about my decision. Instead of all the guilt I am feeling, it somehow makes it seem better. I am in SO much tortured pain right now, but I am taking on the pain for Rachael, so she can be pain-free now. That somehow relieves the guilt and makes me feel like I did what I did because I DO love her so much. I also took to heart the statement written that what I did was part of taking care of her. She gave me unconditional love, and in return I spared her from further pain and suffering. I also never thought of the fact that she, as all other pets, didn't show her weaknesses until she could no longer hide it, because of her survival instinct. Gosh, that helps me feel better, because I just couldn't understand why she took a turn for the worse so suddenly, and I only a few days to prepare and deal with it. She was just "surviving" each day without letting me know. Finally, among MANY other wonderful things written to help me, I was relieved to realize that being there with her kept her from dying in fear. Gosh, up until I read these replies, I did NOT think of myself as a good "mommy", but a terrible one for letting her get so bad, and then for ending her life for her. I guess I haven't been giving myself ANY credit for all the caring and unselfish things I really do for her!
Thanks again SO much! All these replies and hugs mean a great deal right now.
I am going to add a tribute for my little girl as soon as I feel I can.
Cheri Ann

[Jjay]

Hi cherianne, Rachael is gorgeous she still loves you so much and is glad for you loving her evry day of her living life but you still love her even though shes not her in here living life shes still there in youre heart and you always will do.
I still miss my baby victor soo soo much i cried earlier today and sumtiems it fells like 1 step forward and two steps forward and i fell so empty, please keep coming here and you can pm me and others when ever you like.
Love jay x

[Gort]

Hi CherriAnn

I'll say again how fortunate I was that I didn't have to make any final decisions for my Ava. She was old, around 15 to 16 and she was fine one night and and I found she passed away the next. Even tho I didn't have to make any decisions, I still felt (feel) guilt over little things like not spending more time with her, even tho I spent most of my time with her.

Time is the healer here. Getting over the hole left in your life that Rachael filled is the hard part. I was useless for a week after Ava died. I cried almost constantly which is tough on the ego of a guy. We're supposed to be 'the strong' ones and we're just as prone to emotional outbursts and crying as anyone. I don't care about my ego anymore, not that I was egotistacl in the first place that I know of.

Ava has been gone since Sept 3 so today is another one of the dreaded 'Anniversary things'. They don't help the healing process except to indicate that time has passed. I still cry but at least now I can go a day or 2 or 3 without breaking down and sobbing. It is getting better day by day.

It's okay to feel sad at the loss of your closest friend. You did the right thing by easing Rachael's pain. Take time off work if you can afford it and cherish the memories of Rachael. It's difficult to think about all the good times you two had right now but again, with time, these will be the memories that keep Rachael alive in your heart forever.

[BabyHannahsMom]

A Dog's Pryer
"Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.

Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for your are my god and I am your devoted worshipper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest --- and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands."By: Beth Norman Harris

You did all the good things for your best friend Rachel. She knows how much you loved her.

Here's one more that actually helped me believe I was doing the right thing for my baby Hannah. I could just "hear" her saying the following words to me. It sounds like that's how Rachel was feeling too, don't you think?

May I Go?
May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I’ve lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn’t want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go.
I really do.
It’s difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day,
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you’re sad and so afraid,
because I see your tears.
I’ll not be far,
I promise that, and hope you’ll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That’s why it’s hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you’ll let me go today. - Susan A. Jackson

I'm awfully sorry for your loss. I know the pain is almost unbearable. You have gotten some good advice as to how to get through this. It takes time, that's for sure. Coming here will certainly help. Keep posting your thoughts. The people here care and they understand.
Love,
Marcia

[Muffins]

Dear CheriAnn:

Though I am sorry that you had to find a pet grief site, I am happy that you found Lightning Strike...
This wonderful place has been a real life saver for myself and countless others.......

You did a wonderful, loving thing for your precious, beloved Rachael.... Inasmuch as "we hope that Mother Nature
will come quickly and take our sweet furkids to Rainbow's Bridge", or I remember praying to God that he take Ernestine
when she was sleeping, but that was never to be.....

It was a decision that had to be made.... And, we decided that the best thing for our girl was that we have her
put to sleep... That was on 2/7/2004....... She was 19 years & 10 months..

I truthfully believe that, "Yes, you certainly did the right thing, by helping Rachael pass from this world to the next."
And, I know, if she could tell you.........She would say, "Thank you mommy for helping me....I couldn't do it alone!"

Yes, the pain minimizes over time, and one day, instead of tears, you will think of your sweet Rachael with laughter and smiles.....

And, the last "vision" that you have in your mind of your darling Rachael.......That sight will not be there forever.....
(At least not in the hourly reminder that it is right now).... I can assure you of that...


Way back when, it was eight months ago yesterday that Ernestine was put to sleep..........
Absolutely NOTHING IN THIS WORLD MADE SENSE TO ME........
I am sooooooooo grateful to LS, because I could come on here, and type my feelings, and ramble & ramble on....
And, people actually answered me........ (God Bless Everyone Here!!!)

People that I choose TO CALL.........."MY FAMILY"!!!!

But, I will tell you that one person wrote to me one sentance that has stuck with me this whole time, and WILL FOREVER STICK WITH ME................

"DENISE, YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN, SO THAT SHE COULD BE WITHOUT PAIN"...........

That was THE ONLY THING THAT MADE SENSE TO ME............

CherriAnn:
I hope that in some way that one sentence makes you feel better, as it surely did me...... It is a "power packed
sentence"............and, I know that it is true.....
If I had to do it all over again..............I surely would take away Ernestine's pain......
I believe that ALL OF US WOULD!!!!!!!

You will find sooooooooooooo much help here on this site, as you already have.......

Rachael, what a beauty she was, and she always will be........ Yes, Danny will be sad too....... Extra cuddles for the both of you, together....

Please keep writing and sharing............
It helps......... You are cared about very, very much!!!!
God Bless you!!

Love, Denise

[zoeysdad]

Hi CheriAnn,

I had to have my beloved dog of almost 12 years put to sleep on Aug. 18th of this year so it's been a little over six weeks. I was with him as he took his last breath and it was a very tramatic and difficult thing to witness. As with you, I felt like I had to be there because he had always been there for me. For the first couple of weeks afterward, the image of him dying before my eyes and then picking up his lifeless body to take him home for burial was almost more than I could endure. But I'm glad I had the stentgth to do it because at least I know that he knew I was with him right up until the end and I found comfort in knowing that he had a painless and humane death.

After the first couple of weeks, my memory of "the end" faded but I continued to miss him terribly. It took a while for it to sink in that he was gone from this earth and that there was nothing I could do to bring him back or change the past.

Things do slowly get better and you certainly won't feel as badly as you currently do. But the grieving process does have to run its course. It takes longer for some of us than it does others, but eventually I believe we all reach a point where we are at peace with ourselves for doing what we thought was right. We won't ever forget our beloved pets and we'll never stop missing them, but we do learn to live with it.

I'm truly sorry you are having to experience this pain over the loss of your beloved Rachael. She was such an important part of your life and I'm glad to know the two of you had twelve wonderful years together. In time, the many beautiful memories you have of her will replace the images you currently remember of just those last few days. I assure you things will get better Cherri, it just takes time.

You're in my thoughts,
__Jim

[LittleGirl's...]

CheriAnn,

I'm so sorry for your huge loss. Rachael was and is a very special soul! (...and now she's 100% soul, experiencing only bliss and never any emotional or physical pain ).

My Little Girl passed on last March, and I didn't think I'd be able to bear my life without her. In my mind, the years loomed ahead in a way that was overwhelming and scary. I needed my Little Girl!!!

What helped me in the first few days was "living" at this site, watching movies, and talking only to people who would understand. Also, I made a list of all the things I felt I had done right in Little Girl's life.

When I learned that euthanasia stood for "good death", that helped too. And knowing that Little Girl was in bliss, and that I'd be reunited with her when it was my time... that gave me a sense that everything would be ok, and things were happening as they were supposed to.

Writing a letter to Rachael might help, too. Know that she loves you, and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about (even though guilt seems to automatically come with the territory of grief).

Write any time, CheriAnn. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

-Kathy

[CheriAnn]

Thank you everyone! I do "live" at this site daily. Even at work, I make time to come in here and read what everyone else is experiencing too.
My brother sort of "shook" some sense into me the other day. I kept crying and talking about watching her take her last breath. He told me I had over 10 years of WONDERFUL memories with her, so why was I dwelling on those last few minutes of her life? That seemed to make some sense to me. Rachael gave me MANY years of good times and happy memories. Why wasn't I dwelling on those instead of her death? So,I keep trying to tell myself to remember those good times instead. I have been a roller coaster of emotions, though. I spent days in endless tears, thinking I would never be able to stop. Then suddenly I just stopped feeling. It had only been a few days. I've read some postings in here from people that experienced that too, but it didn't seem to happen to them as quickly. It only lasted about a day though, and now I am back to constant pain. Too many things remind me of her and make my heart ache so badly. I wrote a letter to her in the tribute section, and I think it helped some.

I have printed up some of the beautiful poems that I have been reading in this forum. I have them posted on my cubicle wall at work. My favorite one, and the one I keep reading MANY times a day, is the poem "May I Go Now". Tacked with them all are pictures of my Rachael.

Still Grieving,
Cheri

[Gort]

It's 5 weeks today that I found Ava at the bottom of my steps and yes I tended to dwell on that for some time. I don't think about it nears as much but I do still think about it. I've had days of 'feeling nothing' to the 'can't find the faucet to turn off the water works'. It is getting better tho. The emotional roller coaster isn't fun but it's all part and parcel to the grieving process.

Myself, immidiately after taking Ava to the vet for the last time for her cremation, I went through my house and and tried to remove as many triggers as I could, the rawhide bone she never finished, the leash, bowls etc, got put out of sight just so it wouldn't get me going again. There are lots of triggers left that I can't really do alot about. HAIR... my dog had one of the thickest coats of fur I had ever seen and of course with that comes the perpetual shedding... clumps of dog hair behind the furniture or remaining in the yard can still set me off. The groove in my hand rail post off the back deck from years of dog chain rubbing over it, the list goes on.

It all gets easier to deal with as time passes. It's certainly no fun getting through it tho. Taking it one day at a time has helped. I don't even begin to try and predict where my emotions are going. I've just been accepting the emotions as they comes to me, it's all I can do. I have been thinking alot about getting a new fur buddy but I know I'm still not ready. Something else that will sort it self out with the passage of time.

[Stymy's Mom]

Dear CheriAnn,

I am sooo sorry to hear about your baby. She was a beautiful dog. It will be two months next week and I do miss my little boy Stymy, but I feel he is near by watching over me. My day are much better now.

Its great you came to LS everyone here is great and they understand. My suggestion to help you through this is to do something in Rachael's memory. I wrote thank you letters to the vet who helped me allot and to the lady who gave Stymy to me 6 1/2 years ago. I am also going to do a tribute to him on LS when I can figure out how to post his picture. Maybe on Monday.

Once you get past those "first times". You know the first time you do anything without her. Christmas will be the hardest for me. Stymy loved opening gifts. I spent over $100 on toys alone for him last year. I loved watching him open them up he would get so excited.

My good days now out weigh my bad ones and yours will to in time.

Best Wishes,
Vicki (Stymy's Mom)

[Daryl]

Hi CheriAnn,

There's nothing I can think to add to the wonderful advice and personal experiences everyone else has already posted. I just want to add my voice to the chorus and let you know that the pain will diminish eventually. Each of us heals at a different rate, and each loss is also different.

The first time I had to make the decision to euthanize a dear animal friend, it tore me apart. For over a month, I'd cry every time I even thought of Smokey. I kept beating myself up with the questions, "Did I do the right thing? Did I do it too soon? Did I wait too long??" In the end, I finally came to accept that I did the very best that I could do for my friend that I knew how to do at that time. If I was a little too early, then I only spared her that much more suffering because it was certain she was not going to get better. If I waited a little too long, well, at least I eased her suffering when I did and I did not make her wait even longer. But chances are that I did it at just the right time, and my veterinarian agreed. "The real question," she said, "is how long you're willing to make your friend suffer just so you can keep her around."

Slowly, I did get better, and somehow I've managed to make it through three more friends' deaths since then. Each time hurts to the core, but then it heals and the good memories of all the long years we did have together remain.

Give yourself all the time you need, Cheri Ann, and surround yourself with supportive people.


In sympathy,

-- Daryl

[CheriAnn]

You all have been so supportive! I can't thank you enough.
Writing thank you letters sounds great too. I was thinking of sending a thank you to my veterinarian's office for all their efforts. After all, they did keep her healthy for all her life until that nasty tumor got her in the end. They performed the past surgeries removing earlier tumors that did give me some extra years with her. As a matter of fact, I got a sympathy card in the mail from them today. It was so sweet. Each doctor signed it personally and the one that helped end her suffering wrote me a personal note about what a wonderful dog Rachael was. Oh boy, did that bring on the tears!!!!!

Cheri