My Beloved Beebee Has Passed Away,,, Need Some Support To Cope With Th Options

[heartsore]

My beloved BeeBee has passed away on June 25, 2010 at the age of 14. He was an adorable maltipoo and been with us for five years. We adopted him because his previous owner moved out of the country and couldn't take him. Although we were together for five years, but we had built a very close relationship, he was very attached to me, and got along well with my other dog, Toby. He slept at the end of our bed with Toby everynight, everywhere we go, we take them for ride in the car, we had such good time together......

BeeBee had been on heart medication since we had him, and his teeth were really bad, but got his teeth all cleaned by the vet... things were good until half year ago, his health started going downhill cause of his age, his eyesight was going blind, but other than that, he was fine and eating ok.

Three weeks ago, my husband and I went on a vacation and couldn't take the boys with us, so kennel is the only option (same kennel everytime we go for vacation). The day we arrived home, my daughter phoned me and gave me the bad news that BeeBee had passed away. The kennel phoned my daughter on June 25th that BeeBee wasn't eating and had diraherra. So my daughter left work right away and picked up BeeBee and took him to the vet. The vet examined him and said that he's very ill and ready to go and suggested to give him euthanasia to help him go peacefully. My daughter had to make this heartbroken decision..... and BeeBee was gone.... peacefully....

When I heard the bad news, I just broke down and cried right at the airport, I don't care if people were watching.... I felt my heart just torn into pieces.... (I'm still in tears as I'm typing this....) Why didn't BeeBee wait for me to come him ????

I'm mad at myself and feeling very guilty, I keep blaming myself that if I hadn't gone on vacation and left BeeBee in the kennel, perhaps he wouldn't had left us so soon. Why didn't BeeBee wait for me to come home to say my last goodbye to him... was he mad at me for leaving him in the kennel ? It seems I can't forgive myself.....

Everynight I cried myself to sleep, and hoping that BeeBee will come into my dream and tell me that he's happy where he is now and that he forgives me ....

BeeBee had a private cremation, and will be getting his ashes in an urn back which I will place it on the shelf in our family room...... It's almost a week now, and I still can't get over this, I still cry everytime I think of him.

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[ladywolf]

Dear Heartsore--

I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Beebee--what a cute dog! He is really adorable!

This grief journey is a long and painful one--we here know, as almost all of us have gone through it, some of us many times. It can be unbelievably painful, and can be even more so if we were absent when our loved ones departed. I am so sorry that that was true for you.

But I don't think that you have anything to feel wrong about. It sounds like everything was done for BeeBee that could possibly have been done--thank God that your daughter was there to take him to the vet. Had you been home, you probably would have heard the same news from the vet--that it was BeeBee's "time," and that putting him to sleep was the kindest option. You just happened to be away at the time. I know that that must feel awful to you, but it wasn't your fault. Our animals seems to know when they are ready to go, and nothing can keep them here when that happens.

Again, I am so sorry that you had to lose BeeBee, especially while you were away. That does make it even harder to take.

Please keep posting and reading here--you will find a wonderful, compassionate group of people ready to offer their comfort and support!

Big Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[tanbuck]

Heartsore, I'm so very sorry about your precious Beebee. This is an unimaginable loss for you and I know you will struggle with the feelings you're already having for awhile. My hope for you is that you will be able to get to a place where you can accept that this was not your fault. I'm a firm believer that people and animals in our lives don't enter this world or leave it without it being their appointed time. It's just hard for us to accept it when it feels so wrong. I know this feels very wrong to you. Don't blame yourself. Beebee loved you unconditionally. UNCONDITIONALLY! That means that in no way would he blame you. That's the great thing about dogs as I know you already know.
This grief process is hard enough as it is. Please try to be kind to yourself. I know how hard it is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it's no comfort now but it sounds like you gave him the perfect life for the last 5 years. And he gave you everything in return. I'm so sorry. I really am.
-Donna

[heartsore]

Donna, Margi and Spiritwolf, thanks for your replies and support it is greatly appreciated. I just feel so guilty for not being there with him at the end and not being able to hold him and kiss him good-bye. Maybe BeeBee didn't want me to see him go, maybe he knew that mommy couldn't handle this hearbroken moment...

It is just so quiet and odd around the house without him....everytime I walk by his favorite spot remind me of him. I talk to BeeBee every day....I just hope he can hear me and I hope he will return to our family one day again...believing he will return to me again is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I knew it would be hard losing him but until it actually happens you just don't know how much it hurts.

[ladywolf]

Dear Heartsore--

There is a theory that our loved ones do wait until we are not there in order to leave us, because they know that it will be too painful for us to see them go--and I totally believe in it. My father was dying of brain cancer, and I had been with him for 48 hours, when I left for a one-hour appointment, and he died fifteen minutes later. My last dog, Poppers, I had been up with all night with her illness, but she chose to die when I had just laid down for a much-needed nap. My magnificent Ladywolf, who just died a month ago, died around the corner from me while I was playing Scrabble, of all things. I had been in and out of the kitchen with her all day, but I was not there when she died.

So I've seen lots of proof of it. We have this IMAGE in mind of what their passings "should" look like, but it's often not the way that it turns out.

More people die in the hospital in the middle of the night when there is no one there than die when their loved ones are with them. So there is definitely something to that theory.

I hope this brings you a little comfort.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious BeeBee!

Hugs from Margi and Spiritwolf

[Brutus]

I'm so sorry for your loss of BeeBee...I agree with Margi that BeeBee wanted to spare you. I think we all have guilt in some extreme on the passing of our pets...we always feel we could of..should of..etc...You were a great Mom to BeeBee and how lucky he was to spend his senior yrs with you and your family. I'm sorry.

Many hugs,
Sonya

[heartsore]

Thank you so much, Sonya and Margi, for your kind and thoughtful words. It means so much to me. I know that you and so many others here will help me get through this. I'm so thankful I found this place of understanding and compassion.

Thank you
Linda

[John S]

So so sorry about the loss of your beloved Beebee, my heart goes out to you. I know that the grief can seem unbearable and as I am finding out guilt is a part of the grieving process. I lost my cat Nikita three weeks ago and also I was not there when she passed. We had made the heart wrenching decision to euthanize her that day when I got home from work but my wife called me in the afternoon and said she was very bad so I rushed home to be with her. I spent an hour with her and she seemed stable and I had to go back to work. I would be home in two hours and thought she would make it that long but a half hour after I got back to work my wife called and said she was gone. It still tears me apart that I was not there at the very end. I have never heard the theory about them sparring us the pain; it does make sense and I can find some comfort in that. The loss of our precious little loved ones brings grief that we are never prepared for. This is a place you can come to share your feelings and find others who have been through and are going through the same things and dealing with the same pain. Don't be afraid or ashamed to let yourself grieve. Again I am so sorry for your loss.

John

[heartsore]

Thanks John. If I was alone I don't think I could make it. I just don't know how anyone makes it through this without the wonderful support I see here. I just still can't believe my BeeBee is gone.

I'm so sorry John for your loss of your cat Nikita . I think we all tell ourselves we can be strong, but it never seems to work out that way, we are never prepared to lose our best friends and soulmates. Losing my BeeBee has been the hardest loss I've ever experienced. They are such a big part of our lives it's like half of you is missing. I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Linda

[moon_beam]

Dear Heartsore, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved BeeBee. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company.

This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences we will ever know on this side of eternity. Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely. This is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so very painful - - both physically and emotionally.

When you and your husband went on vacation you had no idea what would happen with BeeBee. Unfortunately none of us are blessed with the privilege of foreknowledge, and this is the source of the grief guilt as we try to make sense as to "why" things happened - - the what if's, the why didn't I's, the I should have's - - everything just falls in on us and we rightfully feel like a part of us - - the best part of us that belonged only to our beloved companions - - has been rudely and cruelly taken away from us.

Hopefully in time you will be comforted with knowing that your precious BeeBee is still with you just as he has always been and will always be. His sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and memories, and he is still sharing your life with whatever you do and wherever you go.

Heartsore, one of the many things you need to remember right now is that you are not alone in this grief journey, and hopefully you already know that you are among friends here. We will be here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartsore, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[heartsore]

Dear moon_beam

Thankyou so much for your heartfelt reply.

I've been trying to think of fond memories of BeeBee these last days, but the more I think of him, the more depress I get. I miss him so much and so heartbroken.

I’ve thinking/wondering if BeeBee is happy where he is now. Do they go to heaven when they die ? Does anyone know ? A friend was telling me about reincarnation and if your pet will return to you. After their transition they choose if, when, and in what form they will return. I’m wondering if this real ? I'm just so desparate to know if BeeBee is happy and healthy now.

Linda

[moon_beam]

Dear Linda, please let me reassure you that yes, your precious BeeBee is in the wonderful company of angels now, healed to his former healthy body released from the illness that was taking claim of it on this side of eternity. You are in deep grief, Linda, and the memories that you hold dear are painful right now. Believe me, I do know what you're feeling.

Many people do not understand that the grief journey for the loss of a beloved companion is identical to the loss of a human family member or friend. The goal of the grief journey is not to "forget" or "move on" from your beloved companion but to find a peace in your heart so that you can embrace BeeBee's sweet Living Spirit that is forever with you in your heart and memories wherever you go and whatever you do. To try to forget our beloved companions is impossible because they are indelibly etched into our very being, and it is reprehensible for anyone to counsel us to do that.

Linda, it is not my desire to try to "convert" anyone to thinking or believing the way I do about what happens in the afterlife. We each have our own spiritual beliefs - - as that is the natural way for things to be. I grew up in a very rigid religious denomination that I could not embrace most of their interpretations of the Scriptures. So, a few years ago I did my own Scripture study about animals, animals in heaven, and animals having souls, and it is what I discovered in this study that is what I share with you and everyone in this forum to try to give each of you hope and comfort in your grief journey, and hopefully without anyone feeling that I am imposing my personal faith beliefs on you.

When we are in deep grief, Linda, we find ourselves searching for answers to questions that perhaps were not a "priority" before. Physical separation from a beloved companion - - whatever the life form - - does raise spiritual questions in our hearts, and unfortunately our society and most of the people who assume the position of spiritual leadership are not prepared to address the spiritual questions arising from the physical loss of a beloved companion who is not in the human life form.

So, I say to you with all my heart - - BeeBee is happy in the company of angels. The heart disease and other challenges of age that afflicts the physical body on this side of eternity are totally gone from him now. And he is still very much a part of you, and I hope someday when this deep grief lessens that you will be able to embrace his sweet Living Spirit that is always with you in your heart and memories. He is still sharing your life as he always did during his journey with you on this side of eternity - - it has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension.

Linda, I hope you will find some comfort in what I have shared with you, that it will help you find some peace, and will help to reassure you with some of your spiritual questions. Linda, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey that is so unpredictable it can make you feel like you're losing your mind sometimes. Please know that what you are going through is normal, Linda, and that you are not alone in your grief journey. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing, and to sharing whatever memories of your precious BeeBee you would like to share with us.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Westiesam/Sharon]

Hi Liinda
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Bee Bee -- this journey of grief is strange and long and sometimes unbearable. At first, I didn't think I was going to live through the loss of our dog, Sammy -- but eventually the days turn into weeks, then months and so on. Keep coming back here to this forum -- all of the people here are so wonderful - they helped tremendously --and I believe they will help you too. take care of yourself.
Sharon

[heartsore]

Hi, Sharon
Thank you for the comforting words and support, it really help me during this most difficult time.

I tried to keep my mind busy and not to think about it, but the thought of BeeBee just come naturally. Eveytime when the thought of not being there to hold him and say good bye during his final moment, my heart just ache so bad and feel so guilty. I think this feeling is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. What can I do ???

Every night, we sat on the sofa watching tv with my big boy, the yellow lab,Toby on one side and BeeBee on the other side, BeeBee loved to rest his head on my lap. Now there is only the empty spot, he will no longer be there. The feeling of emptiness is so unbearable.

Linda

[John S]

The feeling of emptiness is so unbearable.

I wish I could give you some words of counsel that could help you bear the emptiness but all I can say is that I know what you are feeling, believe me I know. It does seem at times more than I can bear. I feel for you, I know your grief, I am so sorry.

[tahoeden]

It looks like it's been just over a week since you lost Beebee. Tough times. 5 years is not enough, yet that was Beebee's lifespan and thankfully she got to live it with you...a family that gave her a whole lifetime of love in those few short years. My condolences.

Dennis

[heartsore]

Since BeeBee was gone, I was just in and out of bed, couldn't do anything, just keep thinking of him and missing him so much, although he was only with our family five short years, but the bond between us is so inseparable. He's our child. Evernight, I held his favorite blanket to sleep so that I can feel that he's still close to me.

Couple nights ago, I had this dream, I dreamt that I was outside some form of a tunnel, and I heard this happy voice telling me that "I'm very happy here.....", I heard lots of laughters and I started to laugh, I could felt myself laughing. I woke up and tried to recalled this dream, could it be BeeBee came into my dream and tell me that he's happy where he is now..... could it be that I am thinking too much ??? I have never dream of my pets before.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work, I hope that keeping myself busy can get my mind off thinking about BeeBee,

I'm so gratefule that I found this forum, everyone is so supportive during this most difficult time.

Linda

[tanbuck]

Linda, I'm glad you had that dream. And as far as whether or not it was from Beebee, don't over &%^yze it. If you want to believe it was him, then believe it. I am an over-&%^yzer about everything and I'm not one to necessarily believe in messages from beyond. But during this grief process over losing 3 pets one after the other, I'm letting myself believe! Every little thing I can cling on to as a sign that they are ok, I'm believing it!
Oh, and about the blanket you're sleeping with- go ahead! I'm doing it too with my Niles' blanket. I feel like a 10-year old child, but I don't care. Isn't it great that we can admit stuff like that here? I wouldn't tell anyone in my life that I'm doing that except here. (Of course my husband knows, but, you know what I mean.)
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Letting go of all the used-to-be's and all the routines is the hardest part for me, I think. It's been 4 weeks since we lost our last baby, Buck. And I'm still thinking we need to feed him or give him pills or let him in, etc. This is a crummy state to be in, isn't it?
-Donna

[Westiesam/Sharon]

Hi Linda
I'm glad you had that dream too -we can never be certain that it was a sign from our beloved pets - but personally - I think it was your BeeBee trying to let you know that he's ok. I believe I've had several signs from Sammy letting me know that things are good where she's at now. Take them for what they are. Going back to work will probably help you somewhat -- but I imagine you'll think about BeeBee at work too - and that's ok as well. Our entire worlds were rocked when we lost our dogs -- everything changed --and it hurts --but as time goes on -- the hurt fades (though somedays it comes barreling back at you 100 mph). I guess I feel that I was fortunate to have the love of such a wonderful dog that losing her made me feel this way -- that tells me it was something tremendous!! Take care and come back often
Sharon

[heartsore]

Yesterday was my first day back to work. It was hard. Especially when I broke the bad news to my co-workers, they were all in tears. They understand the pain I'm going through. I had lots of comforting words and supports from them. All day long I could hardly focus on my work, my brain appeared dead and couldn't function. Everytime when I look at BeeBee's picture on my desk, my heart started to ache.

Today appears to be a bit better, I didn't feel as bad. But the empty feeling started to come back when I got home from work. He's no longer there to greet me. I miss him so much......

Linda