My Beloved Beebee Has Passed Away,,, Need Some Support To Cope With Th

My beloved BeeBee has passed away on June 25, 2010 at the age of 14. He was an adorable maltipoo and been with us for five years. We adopted him because his previous owner moved out of the country and couldn't take him. Although we were together for five years, but we had built a very close relationship, he was very attached to me, and got along well with my other dog, Toby. He slept at the end of our bed with Toby everynight, everywhere we go, we take them for ride in the car, we had such good time together......

BeeBee had been on heart medication since we had him, and his teeth were really bad, but got his teeth all cleaned by the vet... things were good until half year ago, his health started going downhill cause of his age, his eyesight was going blind, but other than that, he was fine and eating ok.

Three weeks ago, my husband and I went on a vacation and couldn't take the boys with us, so kennel is the only option (same kennel everytime we go for vacation). The day we arrived home, my daughter phoned me and gave me the bad news that BeeBee had passed away. The kennel phoned my daughter on June 25th that BeeBee wasn't eating and had diraherra. So my daughter left work right away and picked up BeeBee and took him to the vet. The vet examined him and said that he's very ill and ready to go and suggested to give him euthanasia to help him go peacefully. My daughter had to make this heartbroken decision..... and BeeBee was gone.... peacefully....

When I heard the bad news, I just broke down and cried right at the airport, I don't care if people were watching.... I felt my heart just torn into pieces.... (I'm still in tears as I'm typing this....) Why didn't BeeBee wait for me to come him ????

I'm mad at myself and feeling very guilty, I keep blaming myself that if I hadn't gone on vacation and left BeeBee in the kennel, perhaps he wouldn't had left us so soon. Why didn't BeeBee wait for me to come home to say my last goodbye to him... was he mad at me for leaving him in the kennel ? It seems I can't forgive myself.....

Everynight I cried myself to sleep, and hoping that BeeBee will come into my dream and tell me that he's happy where he is now and that he forgives me ....

BeeBee had a private cremation, and will be getting his ashes in an urn back which I will place it on the shelf in our family room...... It's almost a week now, and I still can't get over this, I still cry everytime I think of him.