The Pain Options

[Gort]

Ava was a german shepherd cross with a coyote (?). I picked her up in a small town when the local police planned to put her down if no one took her. She was a stray about 6 months old that had been dropped off. I'm a big german shepherd fan and after my last one was hit by a truck and killed several years prior, I hadn't planned on getting anything other than another pure bred. She was sickly and underweight and obviously been abused by who ever had her first. She was german shepherd looking enough that I took her in. That was over 15 years ago.

It took her a long time to figure out that she was a dog. She used to get car sick after about a mile of driving, she was afraid of water, didn't bark and was quite timid. When my job changed, I now went out into the bush alot in my work truck. I figured I'd start taking her with me and if she got sick in the back of my truck, I could just hose it out... no problem. It wasn't long before she started to dance around when she heard "go for a ride?" Once when we were out walking on logs that spanned a creek I 'accidently' bumped her and she lost her balance and had to jump into the creek. Once she realized that she could swim I couldn't keep her out of the water. She never did figure out that when swimming, save taking a drink until later so she would paddle about lapping up water as she went. Silly dog. She never did get into chasing sticks or balls and it took her a LONG time to teach her the few tricks that she eventually picked up on. She didn't have a mean bone in her body. Perpetually shedding her thick coat.

She was never allowed to run free except when I took her out in the field for work. In my humble opinion, that's where alot of accidents and illnesses come from so from the beginning, she was on a chain. As my living cir%%stances changed, she got a cable/pulley run attached to her chain which expanded her area to practically the entire back yard. I moved to a house that had a yard that I could afford to fence so that's what I did. Six feet high all around and no more chain. The second winter at this place we got a lot of snow which 'shrunk' the height down to about 3 feet so you guessed it, she started hopping the fence and wondering the neighbourhood always coming back after a few hours. Once the snow melted she wouldn't jump the fence anymore. The following fall, we got the first skiff of snow and I guess she figured "ground is white, so I can jump the fence". From then on it didn't matter if there was snow or not, she would jump over the 6 foot fence and go for a stroll at her leisure. Unfortunately, that meant time to go back on the chain for her own protection. Again I moved this time she got a 100 foot cable/pully run. Of course when ever I went to work that didn't involve the office, she was my trusted companion that accompanied me everywhere.

Recently, my son moved away leaving me and Ava to hold down the fort. She was my best friend. Always there for me with an uncanny ability to know when I was feeling down. She'd come sit beside me and nudge me or rest her head on my leg, just to let me know she was there for me.

I put her out after feeding on last Thursday at about midnight. I had an office day on Friday so no field day for her. Normally as part of my morning routine, I'd look out in the back yard to see what 'Dog' was up to and watch her for a bit but I didn't do that Friday. I went to let her in for visit time and feeding at about 9pm on Sept 3. I didn't get a response when I asked my usual, "Doggest want to go inside?" I then found her lying at the bottom of the stairs looking like she was asleep but I knew that the sound of the door and my voice would have made her get up if she could. I knew the minute I saw her that she had passed on.

Ava had slipped away sometime the previous night or during the day, age had caught up with her. She was about 15 to 16 so she had a good life. I miss her terribly. I didn't think I could cry this much over a 'pet' but I am finding out differently. I found this site while at work this morning and started crying again when I read some of the forums.

[j4lorn]

awww, hugs to you (((((Gort)))))

Ava was beautiful. It sounds like she had a long and happy life with you, I know you are going to miss her. It looks like you live in an area where you could give her alot of outdoors time which is heaven for any dog! I just lost my 12 year old dog a couple of weeks ago, the pain is getting less but I still cry a few times a day. Little things will set me off, like walking by the cheese aisle at the grocery store where I used to always buy him some velveeta for treats...

Let yourself grieve for Ava, she was so important to you for 15 years. Try to think of the happy life you gave her, that is what I find brings me the most comfort. I wish my dog could have lived as long as me, died on the day I die actually, but that is not the way it works. I know I gave him a great life while he was here. He knew I loved him and I know he loved me.


Here's the text from the sympathy card the Vet Hospital sent me:

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you...
I loved you so --'twas Heaven here with you.

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

I am sorry you lost such a wonderful friend. I am a "cat person" but that doesn't make any difference. The pain is the same when we lose someone we love.

She was lucky to have you - what a wonderful life.

[gingerspal]

Dear Gort,

It is a happy day when I sign on here and see no new posts---but alas, today here is your post about your beautiful Ava. And what a beauty she is! I too have always had a "soft spot" for German Shepards and I attribute that to having grown up watching Rin-Tin-Tin. If there is much more a "valiant" and loyal breed of dog I wouldn't know what one! And certainly your Ava was unique--! Although seeing your post is so sad it is also heartening because I loved your memories and learning how you rescued her!...how beautiful that she learned so many "new" and foreign things under your tutelage! I too had an animal who had been mistreated. I took great pride in being able to get him to be more like a family pet than the fierce feline I first met. There is an honor connected to being the steward of an animal that wouldn't have had much chance otherwise. I learned that it was I who benefited most!! I sense that you feel the same.

Most of the posters here wish that they could have lost their pet in the way you did--(in their sleep in their own surroundings)--but I know that you are not glad to have lost her in any way whatever! There is no good way to lose our best friend--none! Still, how nice that you did not have to make that dreaded trip to the vet for euthanasia or lose her under the wheels of a vehicle...or any of those other ways that are so difficult. I am glad you always protected Ava and thought so highly of her--When Ava needed someone to save her you were there 110% and in return she loved you totally with her big ol valiant and big german shepard/coyote heart.

Ava is romping and playing at the rainbow bridge now...completely young and healthy and beautiful!--No cares and no aches and pains...just waiting for that day when she will be reunited with her best friend again. Until then you will communicate with her differently because of the loss of her "physicality"--but communicate with her you will still do! My Ginger is everywhere I go now. Following me everywhere...just like he did in life. It is the same for you Gort--your Ava is right there with you right now...it is hard in the beginning because of the lonliness..you are in the beginning stage so go ahead and cry the healing tears! We are all here for you as we miss our best buddies too.
Thinking of you!
Love,
Patti

[Gort]

Thank you all for your kindness and thoughts.

I know she is in a far better place and I know how fortunate I am that she left this world naturally. Last winter, I let her in and she dragged herself into the house head and tail down, highly unusual. I wasn't sure what was wrong with her and the vet didn't have any real suggestions on what the problem was except the age issue. Changed her diet a bit and gave her some suppliments and she improved. I started thinking back then about how I would react when she would pass on. Now I know. I have never felt such sadness, not even when either of my parents passed away. I am truely fortunate that I didn't have to make any 'decisions' on her behalf unlike many here who had to make that choice. I'm thankful for the years of company and unquestioning love that she gave to me. It still hurts.

[Wanda]

Ava sure was beautiful! You gave her a good long life and she thanks you for that. I am a cat lover but we do have a dog and he's suppose to be my husband's. I take care of DJ during the week but when hubby is home the only time I see DJ is when it's time to eat! My 17-yr old furkitty passed in June and I've never felt such pain as I did then. The pain is awful but I am coming a long fairly good with it all. I still cry and crying is a good thing as it is a healing. Ava is at Rainbow Bridge healthy, happy, running, playing, and having lots of fun with her many new friends. She misses you and is waiting for you for however long it may take. My happy memories of my furkitty has started taking over and is helping me day by day just as what your happy memories will do for you eventually. You are in the early stages of your grieving and it is a long hard road. It hurts really bad!

Please except my condolences for the loss of Ava.


Wanda

[gingerspal]

I have never felt such sadness, not even when either of my parents passed away.

{{{{{{{{GORT}}}}}}}}
I know exactly what you mean--I seldom say it out loud--my mother died rather unexpectedly a few weeks after Ginger..and I definately took Ginger's dying "worse!" --I thought that was kind of bizarre in a way but Ginger was in my daily life--every day--just as Ava was in yours. That is the big difference. When an animal is always there every day--and then NOT--well, I don't have to tell you how much of a void that is!
Hugs to you as you venture into this new chapter of your life--we are all on your side and going through the same thing
thinking of you!
Love
Patti

[BabyHannahsMom]

Oh, my heart breaks for you and your loss. I am so sorry. Ava was really beautiful, and so was your post about you with Ava. I always dreaded opening the door and getting no response -- always. My heart "sunk" for you, with you. Like Patti said, there is no good way to lose them AT ALL!

Ava had a wonderful life with you. Your story made me cry, but it also made me smile. Thank you for sharing your love for Ava and hers for you.

Bless you. Ava has lots of new friends now. Our babies will all be good friends, I'm sure.
Marcia

[deedee]

You were a blessing for Ava. She had a special life with you. I am sorry for your loss. What a beautiful fur-buddy she was!

Dee Dee

[Gort]

I recall a friend at work losing their dog several years ago and how devastated she was. At the time I had thought, get over it, it's only a dog. Of course at that time, Ava wasn't showing her age and she was a healthy, active dog. How ignorant of me. I never realized just how big a role our pets play in our lives. I took Ava for granted and never thought about the day that she would depart this world. Now I understand the pain my co-worker felt and the emptiness.

More than once I said that I wouldn't pay vast amounts of money on vet bills to keep my dog alive if something was seriously wrong with her. When Ava had her spell last fall where she wasn't feeling well, I realized then that I would have spent every last cent I had on her to keep her with me. I'm lucky in a sense, that she went quickly and suddenly.

I have a love/hate feeling for these forums... so much sadness. I cry everytime I read this thread or any other thread for that matter. Crying is a good thing though. It's part of the grieving process. With Ava leaving so quickly and under her own conditions, I am fortunate for that. I am able to skip a few of the grieving processes like anger, I have no one or thing to be angry with. I have thought about the my visits to Europe that I've made and was not able to bring Ava with me. I wish I could have those 10 weeks now, but that would have just been postponing the inevitable. I miss her so much.

I'm also fortunate that my boss and co workers are such good people. I tried going to work yesterday and almost lasted the entire morning. Most of my pictures of Ava were taken while she was at work with me. I had 2 pictures that I always had on my cubicle wall. I scanned both pictures and enlarged them to make them better. That sort of finished me and I became a blubbering idiot so I went home. One picture is posted here (above) and the other is a picture that one of my co-workers took of me with Ava sitting beside me. Now the pictures will reside on the piano with the rest of the family pictures.

One of the toughest things was taking her lifeless body to the vet wrapped in her blanket. She is going to be cremated. Once I have her ashes, I will be sprinkling some in the backyard where she spent most of her time. A little in the (open pit mine) hole that she loved to dig in (much to my bane), some will go on the cut blocks (logging shows) where she always accompanied me on my inspections and a little in the river that I used to take her to on hot summer days or after a day of hard work. That's going to be a difficult thing to do emotionally but I feel it has to be done.

[TrishB68]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{GORT & AVA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

She was such a beautiful baby Gort. You must have been the proudest papa in town. Knowing that she lived to 15 or 16 years just shouts out what a great owner you were. It takes a dedicated owner to bring a pet that far in life. I'm sure she thanks you and is waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge. God Bless

Luv,Trish

[Gort]

There a storm blowing up the valley right now. The rain and the wind is just starting. It was pre announced by the rumble of thunder in the distance...

This is when Ava would start to whimper. She hated thunder or maybe she was sensitive to the elcrical charge in the air. She alsways knew long before I ever heard any thunder and would start to whine to be let in, pacing up and down the stairs, her chain carving a channel in my hand rail post. Of course I always let her in and felt bad if I couldn't get home when a storm was brewing. Oh I miss her so much, my heart is broken.

I on the other hand love lightning after being petrified of it as a kid. I would sit watching out the living room window, while she would be right beside my chair or sitting with her head in my lap while I comforted her during the crashing and flashing. I know it will get better with time, but it's sooooo damn hard right now.

[BabyHannahsMom]

I know how lonely and sad you feel now without Ava to comfort during the storm. We all know. At this moment, I know how very alone you are feeling and how lost you are without your Ava girl. Sometimes it just hurts so bad, there's just not much comfort -- in those times if only we could just touch them, hold them, see them, love them, just one more time . . . oh, but we can't. I'm so sorry.

Bless you,
Marcia

[j4lorn]

Gort,

I know how you feel - my Jake was petrified of the sound of wind, he could hear the slightest breeze. He would want to be as close to me as he could at such times, he's plaster himself against my legs if I was cooking in the kitchen, or want to bury his head against me if I was sitting in the living room..... it could get a little bit annoying, hard to walk with a 70 lb furball stuck to your legs but I loved it when he did it anyway, he was a cuddlebug.

I miss that too.

[Sharon]

Ava really was a beautiful animal. You were lucky to have her for all those years, and she was lucky to have you.
I think we've all been suprised at how incredibly painful this experience is. I called my sister today and apologized to her about when they had to put her dog, Roxie, down. I felt badly for her and sad, but I had NO IDEA what she was going thru. She said she knew that, and she cries for me and my Zoe now.

Let yourself feel the emotions you are feeling - it's a tribute to your relationship to your very good friend.
-Sharon

[Gort]

It's now been a week since I found my Ava in her eternal sleep at the bottom of my stairs. I don't know if I am getting better yet, probably not. I don't think I cry as often but I still cry lots. Too much for a guy, NOT. I've always been a bit on the emotional side... I always cry at the end of the movie 'Ghost' and guys aren't supposed to do that supposedly. I used to hide my tears from anyone who might see the tear trails on my cheeks. But this is different. I still care if people see me cry but that doesn't stop me. I just try not to be a sobbing mess which is the way I was last Tuesday when I went back to work. I didn't quite make it until lunch time before I went home bawling my eyes out. Everyday I bawl. Fortunately I had some vacation time left so I stayed home to grieve for the week.

I sing and play bass guitar in a weekend band. Last night was the first gig in months and I really didn't feel up to it but I love music almost as much as I loved my Ava. I almost lost it and voice started cracking when I started singing the harmony to Neon Moon. The song has nothing to do with pets, but it is a song of loss of a love and when the word of the chorus are "when you lose your one and only" I just about broke down right there on stage. I had to struggle to 'go on with the show'. During the break, I talked with the party host and the fiddle player we had hired to accompany us (it was a country type gig). Both were symapthetic and knew where I was coming from when I told them of my loss. Both had to have thier dogs put down due to cancer in one and a tumor in the other and they knew my plight. I felt a little better after wards and I was glad that I had played the gig. I almost felt normal again for awhile. I still consider myself very fortunate that I didn't have to make any decisions on Dog's behalf.

When I got home last night, I realized I had left the lights on in the shop. I went to find my comfy shoes seeing as the shoes I wore to the gig made my big toes hurt. I must have looked for my comfy shoes for nearly and half hour and never did find them settling for wearing my slippers out to the shop to turn the lights out (I found my comfy shoes this morning... in their usual spot beside my chair, I walked past them numerous times and had not seen them at all). The shop is in my back yard and one end of Ava's cable run is attached to it. Upon going into the backyard, my eyes immidiately started scanning the yard looking for Dog even thought I know she isn't there. My backyard is probably the most painful place for me right now seeing as I would spend time playing and talking with her back there. No more woofing at me as if we were in some conversation, no more buzzing of the pulley on the cable as she would bound towards the shop to come in for a bit and then race back to the porch and a few more woofs to ask if it was time to go in the house now? I started to cry again.

I'm not looking forward to going back to work next week. Now I am another week behind in work (so far behind I think I'm first). I'll have to go back to the bush and my trusty companion will not be there. I know I will be constantly checking my mirrors, looking to see Dog with her face in the wind, tongue flapping and slobber running down the sides of my truck. No bounding around while I do my chores, no company. It won't be the same with out her.

I've had a variety of strange thoughts over the last week, mixed in with the loving memories of my Ava. I've thought about selling my house and moving somewhere else, ending it all so I can be with my dog, quitting work. moving to another contenant etc. I know I'm just distraught (sp?) and over time, things will get better. Ava is not the first pet I have lost. I had a cat for almost 18 years (Mott) that wondered off to die when her time came. I had a G-Shepherd (Helga) for 3 years that was hit by a truck. And of course my first ever dog that I got when I was 10 years old named Midnight and the puppy from one of her litters named Princess. Ava was with me the longest of the dogs. She was such a good dog.

[Stymy's Mom]

Dear Gort,

I am sorry I wish I could take away your pain. It has been 4 weeks since I lost Stymy and it is much better now. It's getting throught all those new times with out Ava.

I would come home every night to Stymy looking out the back door to greet me. I think it took almost two weeks to not expect to see him. I knew he wasn't there but my eyes always looked for him.

As you get through those first times each time it will get better. It has for me and it will for you also.

Love and Belief,
Vicki (Stymy's Mom)

[dietersmom]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Ava. She sounds like she was a wonderful companion and gave you lots of love and comfort, and I know how you are hurting right now. I had to put my little guy to sleep on Wednesday 9/8 and I feel like I'm going to lose it. I took the afternoon off from work, fully anticipating to be able to return on Thursday, but no I couldn't, and couldn't go back today. I never knew grief for an animal could be so devastating.

I'm trying to keep remembering all of the great times my Dieter gave to my life, instead of dwelling on how empty I feel. Ava has been with you for a long time and took part in many aspects of your life and work. I have my office in my home and my little guy was at my feet and with me all day everyday. I know what the emptiness your feeling is. Thank God I found this forum today, a safe place to share thoughts and feelings with others who are hurting and trying to heal. I feel better knowing I'm not alone and the grief I feel is normal. Ava was your special someone and you loved her and gave her a great life and in time you may find you want to allow another animal to share it's love with you too. I'll be thinking about you and praying for your healing as I try to do the same.

[Steph]

I'm so sorry that you lost your precious companion. She was very beautiful.

I lost my Luba due to a sudden illness. No chance to say goodbye. It still haunts me, but I'm starting to make my peace with it.

It's so sad to hear of all of the pets that have died since Luba's passing June 5th. I'm glad that you have found this site.

[SJ J & S]

We saw Paul McCartney in concert in Spain and he sang a tribute song to John Lennon.

He cried, he lost his composure only for a few seconds, but he lost it. John Lennon died before I was married which is 22 years – he still lost it.

I lost it too, then he sang Mother Mary – my mothers name is Mary, I lost it again, I don’t know why she is still alive thank God.

Then the long and winding road – I had to leave, I was in the front row, right in front of the stage and I had to leave.

Think of a song, one that will cheer you, even if its just LA LA LA loudly in your mind or one with complicated words that you know.
Then if you feel yourself cracking in public, tune into that song, but you must concentrate on that song, don’t allow your mind to continue to think of anything sad.
Then when you get home you can/must let out the tears.
For me it was LA LA LA – LA LA LA LA LA LA – LA LA.

Love Sue