So Much Pain. So Much Guilt. So Much Anger At Myself., I just can't believe my Iggy was hit by a car so close to home. Options

[MissingMyLittleI...]

So I guess I should start calling you Kim, instead of sissycat?

I do the same thing: I taught until 10pm tonight, came home, ate a little something and then got on to check in with everyone. Poor Greenie: have you seen her post "I did nothing." Oh, I felt like that was me talking about Iggy... I just replied to her, but she is really in need of more support, if you have a sec...

Anyway, I have to do some work for school (students get so needy at the end of the semester) and then get some sleep... and then be back at school teaching at 8am. Ugh. I feel so wiped out today, but the emotions are starting to return (thank goodness)-- just as you said they would. More crying, less eating... but it makes me feel better because I can FEEL again and miss my little Iggy man.

Before I go, though, here's how I take lysine: 500mg once (or sometimes even twice) per day, in AM and PM. It's an amino acid, so I don't think you need to take it with food (I have a ridiculously sensitive stomach and never have a problem with it). So, I just take it with water and it seems to give my immune system a little boost. I actually found out about it from a former vet who cared for my cat Gizmo, who had a viral eye infection (eosinophilic keratitis, caused by a feline herpes virus) that I initially treated with eye drops that had some corticosteroid in them, and a broad spectrum antibiotic: I was having to treat him more and more often and asked the vet if there was an alternative, and she suggested lysine. It worked AMAZINGLY WELL and I only had to give it to him for a few days, when he started to "wink" at me as the infection flared up and irritated him, and then the infection would subside before it ever got bad... somewhere along the line, I did some research and found out lysine was a good antiviral, in general. So I started treating myself with vet advice: ha ha!

Hope this helps, and I am so sleepy, I've just got to go to bed (the school work is going to have to wait until morning...). Good night and I wish you sweet dreams of your sissycat!

[sissycat]

Sissycat or kim either are just fine.
Thanks for the advise.
I forget each time to tell you the picture of your avatar looks just like my son's cat Tucker.

For some a full schedule may help. I know I tried to stay as busy as possible and I tried to stay away from home also.
Yes I need to go and reply. Sometimes it just takes me a while to post to some. Feels like I just don't have the right words.

Have a great day!!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to you too Iggy!!!!!!!!

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi Kim. Sorry I went missing for a day... I have had a really busy work week, and since I got nothing done last week, I was still catching up from that too. I am still in this strange phase of numbness. I had a little break from that last night, and just cried and cried about Iggy and how I could have let this happen to him, but this morning, I am back to numb again. It feels awful, this feeling like nothing.

Anyway, I didn't want you to think I didn't appreciate your latest message... because I did! Since I am in this strange numb state, I find I have nothing much to say either. So, how are you doing?


Hope you're having a good day!
Sherri

[sissycat]

Hello,

I still get that feeling of I have nothing to say. I can read someone's post and just seems like no words will come, but next time I could write a novel. Everything you feel is completely normal. It is still very early so just hang in there!


Sorry so short gotta write a note to my Sissycat. 27 weeks today.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Thanks again Kim. It's good to have somebody tell me the way I am feeling is normal...
Big hug to you and Sissycat!
Sherri

[sissycat]

Just checking on you. I've been working alot. Trying to get in as many hours before x-mas as i can.

Anyway hope your doing ok. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ann]

Hi Sherri, been reading thru, hope you are feeling better. I don't know if you've been around the LS forums, but the first day I voulenteered at the shelter, wouldn't you know, a Maine coon arrived. If your familiar with my forums, Arthur has a funny way of sending these cats my way..Like you, the first time I walked into a shelter I vowed never to return to one again. Yet after my loss, I just felt I needed to be around them, to help in some way. I cannot have any due to the people I live with, I need them, I need to fill this void. The second time I worked there(last Fri one hour every Fri) there again, another Maine Coon..Even the woman that works there said these are the first she's seen. I love all the shelter kitties, even the ones who bite. I have a funny thing in my head that if I give them a little love, it will give them hope of finding a home and someone to love them unconditionally. (too bad they can't think that way). An older cat there has stolen my heart. He is about 10, not much to look at, not very active, but just the fact that people don't even give him a mere glance tears me up. (I'm working on him being mine, have to get my sig. other to agree, he's still not budging)
A lot has to do with the whole indoor/outdoor thing too. As for the cat tracker, gps, whaterever thing, yeah it's a good idea, but what if your not home and can't catch the danger in time. They're worst than kids. We worry just the same. I just really wanted stopped by to let you know I share your pain. This is the part of life I loathe!!...Thinking of you and Iggy..Hugs.. Ann

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi! Thanks for the message. I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster this week... from numb to sobbing to just fuzzy-headed... I feel like I must be in some new phase of my grieving process, but I feel I just can't accept that Iggy is gone-- GONE. It stops me in my tracks, every time I think of it, and it makes me feel this enormous hole inside me. I have decided I am definitely going to adopt another rescue kitty, but I am almost afraid to proceed with that because I want to be sure I find a kitten who I will be able to build a really special, close relationship with (like what I had with Iggy, though I know it won't be the same... and probably won't be as special).

On a lighter note, I took Pete outside today-- on a leash, for the first time in his life. He doesn't love it, of course, and every time he feels any resistance, he either freaks out and tries to pull away from me or lays down and won't move. But, he is much better with it than I thought he would be and it gives me hope that I'll be able to give him a little outdoors every day-- safely! Ultimately, I will have to have a home with a cat enclosure outside (I just don't feel it's a "complete" life for them to be inside all the time but I don't feel I can be sure they will live out their complete lifespan unless they are in a safe enclosure), but Key West (and a rental home) just isn't the place to do this.

How are you doing? Sounds like you are staying busy, which is always good... I have been so inefficient in my work (besides giving lectures, I work completely from home, which has so many reminders of Iggy everywhere) that I am still playing catch-up, and not very well. I am also applying to a PhD program, even though I am a bit concerned about making a big decision like this now, but in any event, it's more work to do.

Well, speaking of more work to do, I had better get back to it. LMK how things are going with you!

OH! I almost forgot: I have dreamt of Iggy twice (not last night, but the two before: actually, always in the morning right as the sun is rising-- exactly when he would start meowing at me--not a morning person-- to get up and give him some attention). It was wonderful to have the dreams, but awful to wake up and have to realize all over again that he isn't really here, and ok.

Big hug to you, and here's a picture I just got out of Sean's phone of my cute, weird little man:

Attached image(s)

 

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi Ann! Gosh... I am sending every wish I can to the universe so you can bring home that kitty! Is there any way you could build a cat enclosure for him, to satisfy your desire to give the cat his freedom while keeping him safe? I did a Google search for cat enclosures and there is a place that sells plans (the pre-fab ones are $$$) pretty cheap: then, it's just the cost of materials (chicken wire and wood) and your time to make it happen. This is definitely what I am going to do eventually... though, for now, I have to say, I am hopeful that Pete will take to the leash training! I just took him out on a leash for the first time today... and he did much better than I thought. He's happily asleep now next to the couch, purring in his sleep! This is a good temporary solution, if the cat will accept it: maybe you could try walking the cat you are interested in adopting around inside at the shelter and see if he'll do the leash thing! I just think it would be awful if there wasn't some way for you to work this out and get your kitty! Anyway, I have managed to get myself SOOOOO behind in my work, so I have to go, but I posted a really cute pic of Iggy (his weird, totally comfy sleeping pose) in my reply to sissycat, if you want to take a look: it will make you laugh, for sure.

One last thought: if your shelter kitty is now in an extreme situation of being forced to be an indoor cat (in a cage all day), he may not even want to go outside if you never give him the opportunity. There are cats (like my ex-boyfriend's) who really are perfectly happy indoors, so perhaps if you think about how much better his life would be in a house where he gets lots of love every day-- versus in a cage where he does not-- you will be able to see your way clear to having him as an indoor kitty. ? Just a thought.

Big hug to you, and I am crossing my fingers for you...
Sherri

[sissycat]

Some cats will walk on a leash. I had a cat (Cloe) that would walk on a leash. I even took her to school for school and tell for my daughter. Well let me back up. It was a harness not a leash. Maybe try that. It gives them less of a feeling of being choaked I think.
I know what you are saying about the rollar coaster. This has been the LONGEST rollar coaster ride i have ever been on.

You will know when the time is right and I bet Iggy will guide you. Took me 6 months to find one. I was just afraid I was trying to replace Sissycat. I realized I have enough love for both. (and many more)

Yes, I am staying busy right now. My only day off and we are decorating the outside and I am making 2 decorated cakes for 2 girls for a church auction tonight.

Maybe my dream will come someday. Glad you have been getting some, but sorry it makes you sad.

Love the picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was enjoying himself all stretched out. lol

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ann]

Hi Sherri, Well, you said it, exactly how I feel too, "it stops me in my tracks, every time I think of it, and it makes me feel this emormous hole inside". I couldn't have said it any better. I'd be doing about my business and all of a sudden I get THAT feeling and my head spins back to that last day. It's awful.
As for another kitty, well, we'll see. It's all up to Dave now. It will be at his house so I have to respect his feelings. I really would love to get the older one. He's 8-10ys. He's been there since July. I wouldn't mind keeping him indoors(for whatever time he has left, however, it could be another 10yrs).
I have to tell you about that special bond thing. Mine came when I found Daisy. I already had Whiskers 11yrs old at the time. She lived another 7yrs. I had her when I was 8 to 26yrs. She was my sister, but Daisy, was my world. My world ended when she passed. I even felt guilty about loving Arthur for respect to her. But I opened my heart to him and I had another bond. If you go out looking for it you'll never find it. Just get another kitty, enjoy it, love it, cherish it. If a bond happens again, great, if not, so be it. Iggy is/will/and always be special, and you never will give that up, but don't let it stop you from opening your heart again.
Dreams can be bittersweet. Some are good, some are bad. We awake in smiles, or tears, or both. And the reality awaits us, that we have to begin another day without them. It's hard sometimes.
I wish you all the best with getting another and with Pete(keep him safe) and the kitty enclosure. I loved that silly picture it made me laugh..Also when I first let Arthur out, I had a string attached to his collar..Talk about stupid!..One spook and snap. What was I thinking...
Take care.. Hugs..Ann

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi Kim. I tried Pete on the leash again yesterday afternoon: he really is pretty accepting of the whole thing (thank goodness). I bought him a harness about an hour ago (10-16") and was concerned it might be too small... it is. Pete needs to go on a diet. Good grief. Hopefully he will really walk with me (had to carry him a bit on the first couple of trial runs) and maybe get some exercise that way. He just really tends to put on the weight.

I feel like I am going backwards now somehow in my grieving process. I stayed in the house all weekend-- just didn't feel like being out in this town I find myself hating more every day-- and then cried my way home from work this morning. I feel absolutely wiped out. I feel like I am not getting any better, even though it will be two weeks tomorrow since we found out Iggy had been killed. I can't believe it's been two weeks: I feel like he was *just here*... ugh. I am so sad, I have been looking up information on depression online. But I feel like I should feel this way: my little Iggy was the closest, most consistently positive relationship I have ever had, with any species.

This is going to change me forever. I just hope it's mainly for better, and not for worse.

Wishing you dreams of your Sissycat! (fyi, the websites I was bouncing through this morning said people who have grief tend to dream of their lost loved one, while people who have been through trauma tend to have trauma-themed dreams that do not include their loved one: so maybe not dreaming of sissycat means you are just still too traumatized?... and eventually, you will be able to dream of her: I think this is hopeful info)

Sherri

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi Ann. Thanks so much for understanding what I am going through, and taking the time to share that with me. I seem to be heading backwards in the grieving process since Friday night: I am just SO sad. I haven't dreamt of Iggy for two nights in a row, and Pete keeps waking me up meowing this ultra-sad wail in the morning, and I am looking around at all this holiday season stuff and feeling like there is nothing to be happy about, since my Iggy is gone.

I am really wallowing in this. I know it, and I can't seem to stop... I feel so weary, and I have zero motivation to do *anything*. I am certainly depressed, but that's one of the stages of grieving, so I guess this too shall pass.

And, on top of all this, I have to go to the dentist (in a couple minutes) to get a filling in a molar that lost a HUGE piece out of the center... ugh.

Anyway, I am not much of a "day brightener" today, I am afraid, but I am wishing that you get to bring home the shelter kitty! I got Pete a harness, but it's too small... but I think it holds great promise: he wore the too-small one for a few minutes without a complaint, and it will eliminate the irritation of having the leash clipped under his neck (which he does not like) as well as the choking issue when he strains against the leash. Well, I am sending you a big cyber-hug and hoping you have a great day. Thanks for being there for me: it means so much, I could never express my gratitude properly.

[Flossie's Mom]

Ann, Sherri, Kim and anyone else struggling with the cat freedom thing..................

Here is something that I looked at but have not purchased as yet. I do plan on it though as we will travel 2,500 miles again with Mr. Jingles in the spring and I couldn't bear to lose him on the trip. I hate the collar and have bought so many harnesses that he outgrew so fast I could now provide one a month to a growing kitten. They were not really comfortable it seems although he tolerated them.

This looks like it may be secure and not so restrictive for a cat. He has been cooped up in the house now for a month and is doing OK with it. I don't want to even let him out on a leash as I know the very next day he'll be wanting out on his own and would tend to dart out. He tried that twice when we first got back here but now he just cries at the door if I go outside to walk the dogs. One day he ran so fast down the stairs when someone opened the door that if it had gotten closed before he got there I think he would have broken his neck! He is watching the birds & squirrels a lot today so he may be planning his next escape!

http://www.hdw-inc.com/walkingjackets.htm

Thought you may be interested.

Ginger

[Candy's Dad]

What a great link.


I just got to kitty's the last few months and the older one Rocky wants to go out all the time and he probably doesn't understand why daddy won't let him out. I know he's use to going outside, but after reading all the stories here, I'm nervous to let him out. But that cat jacket looks awesome, I'm going to consider trying it.

Thanks much!

Candy's Dad

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi everyone and Happy New Year! I have been traveling to visit family over the holidays (computer-free) so I haven't been online for a while. I am still grieving for my dear Iggy and it has been really difficult to make it through the holidays without him. The house just still seems too quiet without my little mischief-maker around. I am planning to adopt a kitten soon, since I don't want my other cat Pete to get any ideas about being the sole cat of the house. (I think he already has some...) It also pains me so to see so many cats without loving homes and I want to provide a loving home for at least one of them. I am probably not going to have much time to be online this month, since I have two full-time teaching jobs (one online, one on campus), so please be patient with me if you send messages. Life will return to some kind of normalcy at the end of January, when I drop back down to part-time teaching online. I am counting down the days! Best wishes to you all and I hope the holidays brought you fond memories of your beloved pets. --Sherri

[MissingMyLittleI...]

Hi Ginger. Thanks so much for the website and sorry I haven't responded until now (traveling for the holidays computerless). I am going to order Pete a walking jacket as soon as I get over the Christmas spending hump (ugh), but for now, I have bought him a harness and am planning to try that with him this weekend. I am hopeful that he will tolerate it more now that he's been stuck inside for a month already... Happy New Year to you and hope you are doing well!

[sissycat]

Oh I was glad to hear from you!!!!!!

Yes, The Holiday have been rough for so many of us. Besides missing my Sissycat I have had other problems.

I will be glad for my life to start getting back on track also.

Just whenever you get a sec come post and let us know know how you are doing. And if you get that new furbaby!!!!
Many hugs to you and angel Iggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!