Hi everyone. I think this site might just save my life, or at least my sanity. Thank you so much for all being here and being such a wonderful support group. I have spent hours reading all your stories... and crying and crying and crying, for all of you, for me, for my little cat Iggy who was struck dead by a car Monday night just two houses up the street from our house. I am crying so much, the screen keeps blurring and I have to keep stopping... oh, this pain is unbelievable.

I know (from reading your posts) that this intense grieving I am going through is normal and that I will be able to bear the pain a little more every day. I can't imagine it ever being gone, though, and I will tell you why: I made a STUPID decision to let my two cats, Iggy and Pete, be indoor-outdoor guys. I guess it's partially because my last cat, Gizmo, who died in August 2006 was so good at being outdoors ad never getting himself in trouble. I have always been the person who thought the rescue/adoption agencies and shelters were seriously meddling with pet ownership when they said "Indoors Only or No Adoption". I chose to get Pete and Iggy from two different rescues that gave me the freedom to decide to let them "have fun" outside. I always thought (I am a biologist) that cats needed to have that freedom to be happy. The problem is-- I now understand, oh too well-- that every time they went out through their cat door, I was playing kitty roulette and they might not come back alive. Oh, this is killing me... (I just can't stop the tears: I am dehydrated so much from crying that my lips are chapped.)

Well, now I know. Poor Pete thinks he is being tortured, I'm sure, but we blocked access to the cat door and he has been inside since Tuesday, when we found out Iggy had been killed.

I need to get this story out of me again and again, it seems. I have called almost all my friends already and told them all, but I feel compelled to share it here too. This is long, long, long... but I hope you will read it.

On Monday night, I heard a bird really screeching and went around the side of the house to see what was going on, and--lo and behold!-- here comes Iggy, carefully climbing up the porch steps with a Mockingbird (!!!) in his mouth. Well, I have both my cats wear bells on their collars to prevent them from being able to catch birds, but he had caught his first one anyway, and at night no less. I held him under my left arm and used my right hand to push on the sides of his jaw so he would release the bird. This worked, and the bird flew away (hopefully without a fatal injury), and then I gave Iggy a big hug and told him he was a good boy and gave him his favorite treats (Greenies).

He happily ate them and then went back out his cat door, even though the front door was wide open (classic Iggy). That was the last time we saw him alive. [I feel like dying every time I think of this: all we had to do was hang on to him in the house, call it a night, and he would still be here with me. But I was busy working on grading homework and exams and had no idea this was a CRITICAL MOMENT for us both. I kept working for a while and then decided I wanted to go for a walk to get some chocolate at a store a few blocks up the street. My boyfriend Sean and I walked up the street-- on the sidewalk, which I never choose! I always walk in the street and would have seen him if he had already been hit (though we didn't hear an impact... and now that I am making an attempt to think more clearly about all this, I think we would have). Then, on the way back, we walked down the middle of the street but got forced on to the sidewalk as a car passed (Was that *the* car? Again, I don't think so any more since we didn't hear an impact. Also, I don't think that car was going fast enough to do what was done to my poor little man...)

Then, we came inside, sat on the couch, turned on a stupid movie (13 going on 30, or the other way around... I never want to see it again, ever), ate some chocolate and decided to turn in around 1am. At that point, we called for Iggy and Sean shook the catfood bag and the treat bag (this usually worked, but not always... so we were not worried when he didn't come in), and then we GAVE UP and went to bed. This is the part that really kills me. He might have already been hit, but I don't think so (same rationale as before). I think if I had just walked up the street a few houses and called him, he would have come to bed with me and, again, he would still be alive and here with me now. I don't know why I didn't go look for him. I feel like I always went and looked for him, but I had actually slacked off lately. I guess my mindset was that he had been doing this outside thing just fine for a long time... no, I take this back. I didn't even have a mindset. I guess I thought he was probably miffed that I had taken his bird away from him. It was more like "oh well, he'll come in when he feels like it."

Or he'll get hit by a car and I will never see him alive again. Oh god. I never even considered the danger he was in EVERY time he went outside. Another CRITICAL MOMENT had come and gone, and I had missed it.

I had also drunk some linden tea because I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and the awful thing is that while I generally take a long time to fall asleep and then sleep lightly (so I would have heard an impact... maybe... it was just a couple houses up where it happened), I fell asleep fast that night and woke up telling my boyfriend that I had had the best sleep I had had in forever...while my little cat was hit by a car. How horrible and ironic.

In the morning, I yelled for Iggy, expecting him to be in the tree he'd been sleeping in lately (another classic Iggy maneuver) and shook his treats and his food, but he was already gone by the time I yelled for him. Not just dead. Gone.

I went to teach my biology class and when I got out of class, I got a text message from Sean that said "call me right away." I knew right then that something was horribly wrong, but I pushed the idea that it could be Iggy down in my mind. But it was Iggy. Sean told me as soon as I walked in the door: Iggy was hit by a car and he didn't make it and then something like "I'm sorry" or maybe "I'm serious". All I could say was "Oh, no." And then "Where is he?"

It turns out our neighbor had found Iggy dead on the sidewalk in front of his neighbor's door, so he called his maintenance man to come and dispose of the body. This still makes no sense to me, because when Sean came home for lunch, he came right over-- smiling and jovial: what the hell?-- and asked if we had a little gray cat with a blue collar. Sean said yes and then the maintenance guy who was sitting in his truck right there in front of our house told him that Iggy had been hit by a car and he had taken him to the shelter. But he HAD NOT. He had taken him to a composting dumpster. Oh my god. The thought that my poor Iggy was not only dead, but in a dumpster with god-knows-what was absolutely devastating. It took us some sleuthing to figure this all out-- valuable time wasted-- so that, by the time we all (four of us) met at the dumpster, it had been compacted and we could not get Iggy out.

I let the maintenance man have it. (This is the one thing I did in that 24 hour period that I am proud of.) I told him he had no respect for LIFE, animal or human. I told him he KNEW that cat was someone's pet-- in fact, the neighbor suspected it was OUR pet-- and yet, he dumped it in a dumpster that he knew it would be impossible to get it back out of. I went on and on... I don't remember it all. And I did it without tears.

Then, I walked over to the dumpster and stared into it, realizing I was not going to get my Iggy out of that reeking, nightmarish mess. I made a sound that I have never made before, then, and it just kept coming out of me. It was like an animal moan, straight up from my lungs. I had to squat down on the ground to keep from collapsing. I cried so hard, I couldn't see anything. The neighbor realized they had done the wrong thing and offered to pay (oh, that's a classic: "I don't want to get my hands dirty, but if you can find someone to do the dirty work, I will foot the bill." What a gesture. Ugh.) The maintenance man, however, just kept this asinine smirk-ish look on his face through the whole ordeal.

Sean brought me home and I called Waste Mgmt, who told me there was no way I could get into that dumpster. Sean called the ASPCA to see if there were laws prohibiting dumping animals like Iggy had been dumped. [No. Just one Florida law that says if you do put an animal in a dumpster (my god!), it has to be packaged in a certain way.] We sat on the couch, heartbroken. I talked to lots of friends I hadn't talked to in a long time that night. They told me it was probably better for me to NOT see Iggy in such awful condition, but I knew I needed to get him out of that dumpster.

No sleep Tuesday night, and then our other cat Pete was up crying at the window and then at us at 5am. I found myself thinking I absolutely HAD TO go to the dumpster, right then. Sean begged me not to do this to myself. I cried myself back into quasi-sleep, but then had to go teach again. That's when I snapped out of my stupor: I stopped at the landfill on my way home from class and asked them if I could be called when the dumpster was brought in and emptied. The woman I talked to said they probably couldn't do that, but I should call the # I had already called the day before (and gotten no for an answer). As an afterthought, she said I should ask for the supervisor of the landfill: that was the first part of the key to resolving this, maybe.

I called and left a message for him, by way of a customer service person who spent maybe 15 minutes on the phone with me, getting down all the details I wanted to tell him. She said they couldn't put me through to him, but she would email him and he might give me a call back. Might.

While I was talking to her, I drove to the dumpster. It wasn't rational, but I had to do it. When I got there, the maintenance man was there. I had thought I might try strangling him if I ever saw him again, but this strange calm came over me and I walked right up to him and said I had a few questions I needed to ask him. His demeanor was different this time around. He answered my questions (where *exactly* did they find him? what *exactly* did the bag look like that he was in... in case Waste Mgmt let me look for him the next day when the dumpster would be emptied? and finally, when he picked him up, was he SURE he was really gone?) and then, incredibly, apologized and said he had felt awful since the day before.

I drove home and went to the spot where they found my Iggy. Nothing. Then, as I was getting really upset, thinking he must not have had major injuries... and maybe he had suffered all night while I slept... and maybe I could have saved him... I looked another couple of feet to my right and saw a pool of dried blood. That might sound awful, and it was, but it also told me he probably died instantly and did not suffer. I fairly ran back to my house and crumpled up on the couch and made that awful noise again.

Then the phone rang-- the guy from Waste Mgmt!!-- and he said they would probably pick up the dumpster around 7 the next morning (today; Thursday). As soon as he gave me this information, I knew he was saying YES. I could go and find my baby! I broke down completely and thanked him over and over. He said he would call in the morning and I could meet him at the landfill, which he did at 6:45 this morning.

Sean and I were as prepared as we could be to go and dig through an awful pile of trash to find Iggy (the bag was black with yellow ties-- thank god for the yellow ties!). But, after we walked up to meet the Waste Mgmt guy and shook his hand, he reached down and picked up a white box and simply said "Here he is." They had already gone through the dumpster and found him for us! I couldn't believe how kind these men were for doing this very nasty work for some woman they had never met, and for a cat that was already dead. So unbelievably kind. My heart aches (in a good way) when I think about their kindness and sympathy and how proud the older guy who had actually found Iggy looked. They had even put him in a clear plastic bag so I could see through the bag that it was him. And they had made sure to include his little blue collar. My god.

On the way home, I decided I had to bathe my little man, to honor him, and to really examine his injuries (I was a vet tech long ago) to determine whether he had died quickly or slowly. Sean begged me not to do this to myself, but again, I knew I needed to. It was horrible for Sean, but it was such sweet sorrow for me: I could touch my Iggy one last time, I could do the right thing with his body, I could find out--for sure-- that his injuries were so massive that death must have been instantaneous (thank god). Sean and I then placed a whole bunch of pictures (of me and Iggy, though there are none of me with Iggy-- none! I am heartbroken at this and reassessing how I live my life, and what I put time and effort and thought into, instead of taking stuff like this for granted...), toys, treats, a leaf from the avocado tree he'd been sleeping in lately, and a single feather from his mockingbird (found it right next to the front door at the last second before I took him to the vet!). I am so glad I did what I felt was right this morning, but I was a wreck afterward anyway.

I decided he should be cremated, not buried in a town that hasn't felt like home since I got here a year ago and that I can never forgive for taking my little cat's life (I know that must be irrational,but it's how I feel), so I called a friend to come with me to the vet's office to drop him off. I will have his ashes on December 17th, but I know I won't be healing any time soon. The grief and guilt and sadness comes over me in wave after wave, with no notice. I am still in total denial that my sweet little man is dead, and the idea that I could have saved him will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If you have read this whole saga (I guess this is a catharsis), thank you so much for doing me and my cat such an honor with your time. I look forward to your posts and I will cherish and respond to every one. Thank you again for being here to save me from drowning in pain and despair. --Sherri

Oh Sherri,
I share your pain. So much of your story sounds like the story my Sissycat. Mine are indoor/outdoor also. I had let her out to do her business and in less than 2 hours when I went back to open the door it was too late. She was facing my house in our driveway. It does make me wonder because I saw no blood anywhere if someone had swerved to hit her on purpose or what. Like you I had so many questions and what if's and why's.
I now find it hard to open that door for the others now. I am so scared it will be the last time. I always pet them extra when they go out.

Like you mentioned you have read other posts that yes the guilt and grief are part of the process of healing. Yes, it does take time.

I can tell you I am not healed, but have come such a long way in the last 7 months. I never thought I could make it without her. I still miss her so much and I do shed tears sometimes. (just like now while reading yours cause it reminds me so much of my loss)

I am sending you many hugs and hugs to your angel Iggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Iggy. It's funny the strength we come up with in times of crisis. If that had happened to me they would have had to fish ME out of that dumpster. I'm so glad you never gave up. With animals as well as people they always say the most tragic accidents happen close to home. With my Arthur, the vet thinks he got hit by a car. He had a 4in gap in his tail which lead to major interal injuries and we had to let him go. I too, suffered with the indoor/outdoor thing. I feel strongly about them having their freedom. I knew the consequences, yet pushed them aside for his happiness. He loved life so much because of it. Anyways, he was afraid of cars, and people. I just can't believe he went out into the street. I think if he did get hit, it happened in the driveway. It's a long driveway with other tenants. Often the paper guy drives or should I say flys in. Only his tail was swiped, which makes me think he was seconds away from escaping. I so understand your guilt. He lived with my boyfriend and he is so devestated by this he said no more cats. Unless they are indoor only, and even after all this, I still have a hard time with it. He is not close to the street and the yard is hugh and full of critters the chase around. We want them to be happy and protect them at the same time and I think our guilt comes from us feeling that we failed them somehow. It will be 6mo on the 8th of Dec and I have cried every day over it. If only we could turn back time, if only we could see this coming. Only when we can accept all this is when we can begin to heal. And that is truely and individual thing. I so undersand every emotion your going thru..I hope you can find comfort here and peace in never giving up getting your baby back home. Iggy is so cute and so very loved. They get comfortable in there surroundings and it's out of hands what they get themselves into. We can only love them while they are here with us...Many hugs..Ann

Hi Sherri-----I know that sound!!!! That sound from deep within that is primal.The sound of anguish,gut-wrenching, loss of control,parental devastation.I know that sound.The sound that emanates from crying,SCREAMING,your blood pushing against the sides of your body and filling your face with a pressure that makes one imagine that the eyes will evacuate their sockets from the pushing and pressure of this near -psychotic-violent-regurgitative-inner- structure -destroying LIFE changing event...................I know that sound.The chances of this awful page turn having a profound forever-life-changing impact on your life are high.And your perspective on priorities will have marked changes. If you do not have human children to care for, the old fears of your own death may change.Be open and aware of Iggy's presence as the chances of a visit from him are likely at this point in his transition.The crying, in my experience,will ebb as time passes but will come back in full force,unexpectedly,over the months to come,only to recede again.Then it repeats ad infinitum.I think by creating an internal universe of the possibility of real estate for a spiritual reunion with Iggy,it will manifest a goal,a personal goal that you can handle and will reassure you that,hence forth,upon every mornings day you are one final breath closer to that beautiful reunion with baby boy and you will never be apart again.I ache for you.
Your forum pal, Bubba.....................

Thank you so much, Sissycat. It's Friday morning and the first two things I thought of when I woke up were that I needed to start writing to Iggy every morning (I am in the middle of my first letter to him now and it feels good to just put down on paper how sorry I am for letting him go outside, even though I know he loved it) and that I desperately hoped someone had replied to my post (even though I only posted it 8 hours ago). Thank you so much for being there for me! It's so funny how people you haven't met in person can become such a network of love and support so quickly. Reading your post (before I even decided to join and post myself) made me cry so much that I couldn't have replied to you (even if I had joined already) and I'm so sorry for that. I went through the whole set of posts, scanning them for ones that sounded like me and Iggy, and then read those in full. I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot tell you how much your kind words and empathy mean to me, on this morning when I didn't even want to get out of bed because my Iggy wasn't here any more. He was like a kitten, even though he was 2 years and a few months old. He was a rescue kitty, who had lots of problems in the first few months I had him and only weighed two pounds when I brought him home (the picture is him in his carrier for the first time ever, making the long drive home across Alligator Alley- between Naples and Fort Lauderdale, FL). I feel like I talked about what a kitten he was (his head never really grew much, though his body seemed to keep getting longer and longer! (I uploaded another pic so you can see what I mean.) God, I miss him so so so much... I feel the same way you did: I don't think I can go on without him.). But then I never really processed what that meant: maybe he just wasn't smart enough to be outside. Maybe I needed to find another solution that would give Iggy (and Pete, who I am having a hard time feeling close to... Iggy was mama's boy) an outdoor space that was enclosed so they were protected from cars and all the other dangers out in the big wide world. Thank you so much. So much. You have saved me this morning from total despair.

Sherri,

I just want to say that I would have said most of what Bubba said so I won't repeat it. I am so glad that you didn't give up on getting Iggy out of that dunpster. I am so glad that those men were caring enough to retirieve him for you so that you didn't have to deal with going through all of that trash on top of everything else. I have lost several pets ovet the years and I had all of them cremated. I didn't want to have to leave them behind in case we decide to move some day. I am so very sorry that Iggy was hit by a car. We just lost our Woody dog (4 years old) on 09/11/08 to a car so I can say that I do know exactly how you feel. Iggy and Woody were taken away way too soon and that makes the loss even more painful as far as I am concerned. Thank you for sharing your story. Your tenacity in retrieving Iggy is a tribute to his memory.

Steve

Gosh, Bubba, thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I felt like I was writing and writing and writing that post yesterday because I just needed to get it all down before I forgot any details, but I feel like the awfulness of the whole dumpster thing had overwhelmed me so much that it became the focus. Thinking about it, I have been focused on that part for Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday because I had to get him back out of there and I was so shocked and disturbed about humanity in general... anyway, this morning, I awoke with a whole new set of emotions because now that I got him out of there, I have no anger, no determination to do *something* to help my little boy to get me through the day. All I have is sadness and guilt and loneliness, and now I feel like that horrible moan is caught inside me and won't come out and is just twisting me, twisting me inside. Thank you again for your reply. You and Sissycat have saved me this morning, and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I am sure, like many others have said, that this forum is going to be my lifeline for a while. Maybe a long while. And thank you for giving me some words of wisdom about my priorities changing: they are! I just wish I could have learned this lesson some other way than my little sweet Iggy man dying... oh god, if I could just go back and change it all. But that's what we all want, and I know it's not reality: my brain just can't seem to stop saying "If I only could have..." I guess I should just love him even more for giving me this gift of clear vision. I don't know what I am supposed to do yet, except that my stress-bundling, hamster-wheel-running life MUST BE OVER. I need to experience each day and be happy more often, and spend more time with my remaining cat Pete and my friends and family. I moved to Key West barely more than a year ago, with the goal of starting my own marine ecotour company, but I have only done two trips (in a year!) and instead, having been scrambling to make ends meet with jobs I really do not enjoy and/or that do not pay enough in this very expensive place. I have been feeling LOST here, and isolated from all the people I care about, but yet, when I had my sweet Iggy, I didn't spend enough time with him either. Oh, what to do? I don't know yet, but Iggy's death has let me know one thing for sure: I need to get out of this town and back to somewhere with friends and some kind of contentment. I was reading about the grieving process yesterday, and everyone says you shouldn't make any big decisions while you are grieving, but my priorities have changed and that is that.

My god, I am just going on and on again. Sorry Bubba! I am a talker, and when I am stressed in any way, that's what I do to work through the stress. And this is the worst thing I have ever been through, even though I have been through a divorce and financial problems and the death of my 12-year-old cat Gizmo in 2006. I have never been hit so hard by something before. Ever. This is a whole new and awful experience for me, but I am already taking your advice and trying to be open to signals from Iggy. I am a scientist, and as is the usual case (I guess), I do not have a firm belief in God, the afterlife, etc. That's not to say I am not open to it: I just haven't experienced it. I hope I do with Iggy. I hope. If you knew me well, you would know that, in itself, is pretty incredible. Thank you for helping me open up to that possibility!

Ann, thank you so much for your reply. I read about Arthur, and felt awful for you and cried my eyes out while I was reading, but I was just too mired in my own emotions to reply to anyone before this. I am going to try to start replying today, but I just don't know. It's not a good day. I woke up with the immediate stab in the heart of "Iggy is dead." I didn't even want to get out of bed. Thank goodness for this wonderful support group I have found! I didn't think there was much chance I'd have any replies yet, but I was hopeful and that's what got me out of bed-- and here you wonderful people are for me!

I am so glad you told me you have struggled with the indoor/outdoor thing too! I have started writing letters to Iggy (the first one today) and when I started to write that I should never have let him go outside, I just couldn't. I know how happy it made him (and Pete, who is still on lock-down and very unhappy about it: I just can't imagine letting him out, knowing something like this could happen to him too!). So what I wrote instead was that I should have found a SAFE way to let him be outside. I started looking at cat fences/enclosures online on Tuesday (the day we found out Iggy had died) and I feel some hope that perhaps that is the way to go. We have a small deck with fencing around it in the back of our house, and I started trying to nail up boards to seal all the low-level escape routes yesterday (for Pete), but then I was just overwhelmed with grief and regret that I hadn't figured this out before my poor sweet Iggy had to die. I set everything down right where it was, came in the house, apologized to Pete and just cried and cried. But I think an outdoor enclosure might be the way to go while I am in this terrible city that I feel took my cat from me. Pete is crying away at the front door, as I am typing this, so I need to find some compromise for him that won't put him at risk. I am also worried that he might go wandering, if I just let him out, to look for Iggy.

Ann, you mentioned that the cat lived with your boyfriend. Can I ask you (and everyone) something very personal? Did you have any problems feeling close to your boyfriend after Arthur died? I just feel completely "shut off" right now, and I don't want hugs and kisses and affection. Poor Sean (who is also grieving) is struggling to be close to me, but I just don't want it. I feel like I am being so awful and cold, and I have apologized several times, but all I feel is that my whole world has shrunk down to me and my poor Iggy...

Steve, thank you so much. Several of my friends have said the same thing about the whole dumspter thing: that they are so glad I got Iggy back out of that awful place. I am SO GLAD I did everything I did, too. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I hadn't gotten him back, so it wasn't really an option to not do it (even though I was so afraid I would fail somehow). I am so sorry for your loss too: poor Woody. I read your post about him, but as I keep saying to everyone this morning, I just wasn't in any shape to post any replies. I am going to start trying as soon as I feel up to it.

I have been reading a lot about grieving, and they say the process is much more painful when the loss is sudden. My god, I agree completely. When my cat Gizmo died of chronic renal failure, I was sad and hurt (and guilty, because it happened while I was away visiting friends... and I had left him with a former boyfriend who promised to get fluids in him the day I left... and then he didn't... ugh), but not like this. I think I felt more like I do now when Gizmo was first diagnosed and I knew I was *going to* lose him: that was the sudden shocking part. Once he had been diagnosed and we changed his diet and he got much better, that awful grief just vanished. Then, when he started to go downhill again, I was so sad, but I had known it was coming and that made it easier to bear. Plus, I got to give him all the extra love I could before he died. But with Iggy (and your poor Woody), there is NO WARNING. No chance to give them extra love (it kills me now that I had taken his bird away from him, and I keep wondering whether he would still be alive now if I had let him keep the bird-- I really think he would have stuck around at home, then, and would still be here now). No chance to prepare. Just sudden, agonizing, irreversible pain. I can't believe Iggy is gone. I keep thinking of how fast it all happened. I am so angry with myself for going to sleep instead of going to get my little cat. This stuff is just never going to end... I will replay it and replay it... and I don't even feel like I deserve to get over this.

Sorry. I just got another wave of that awful, all-consuming grief and sadness and guilt.

Thank you for telling me that you have always cremated lost pets. I never have, until now. It never felt right before (though with Gizmo, it might have, if I'd been able to make the decision: my ex buried him before he even called me to tell me he was dead). It was so bittersweet to put all Iggy's little special things in there with him for the cremation. (The crying just won't stop this morning.) But I feel so much better that he has all his special things-- even pictures of me-- to make the trip up to Miami (oh god, should I be going there with him???) for the cremation. My poor baby boy. OK, I'm going to start wallowing in this right now, so I will leave off here and just say thank you again and I am so sorry for your poor Woody...

Sherri,

I've been where you are right now. Many, many times. I lost several cats from letting them be outside. Once I moved to a busy bigger city I had to make the ones I had then stay inside. I hated to do that but they were grown and not at all street wise so I couldn't take that chance.

I think over the years I've lost pets every way imaginable. None have been easy. All hit me differently. Older pets, younger pets, hit by a car, killed by another dog, cancer, old age, you name it. The two that have been the most difficult were a cat with cancer that I promised I would not let her suffer, delayed putting her to sleep so she DID have a difficult passing on my lap 1 block from the vets office. Then my recent beloved companion of over 17 years who I nursed through several life threatning issues from time to time over 14 years.

The cat that I now have was to be strickly indoor. While at a 160 acre farmstead this summer, he BEGGED to go out. So I let him, worrying that a hawk would come along and grab him since he is light colored. He stuck close but seemed to have the natural instinct to head for the trees & run while in the open most of the time. I made sure he came in before dark & not out till daylight. He began as a kitten on a leash so while traveling back to our home I took him out a couple of times on leash. He snuck out at our sons house but I had always made it a point to not chase him when I wanted him to come to me and then shove him inside. I began his outdoor adventures by going out to call for him & when he came running, I'd pick him up, pet him for a short time & put him down so it would not make him want to avoid me if I needed him to come. He snuck out twice since being home.....NOT a place he will be allowed out........ and since he did not have the "flight" instinct I was able to just walk up to him & get him inside.

Cats and dogs alike love to be outside and free to explore and I hate also to have to keep them contained inside or on a leash. So I know your struggle. Do not beat yourself up..... easy to say I know. Be comforted that it appears Iggy did not suffer. One of my cats that was hit struggled with bladder & bowel control till I finally had to put him to sleep. We think it was a car that injured him and he was fine except for that & he could not hold his tail up. No marks on him at all.

Maybe Iggy's purpose in your life was for this to happen for whatever reason yet unknown. Maybe to protect Pete, maybe to bring the things you mentioned to the front of your mind. In any event, remember how he enriched your life while he was here... and will continue to enrich your life through what ever evolves as a result of his very unfortunate and much too soon passing.

I admire your dilligance in seeing to it that you got him out of that dumpster. He knows how you fought to get him so you could have his ashes forever. He knows how you love him and will continue to forever remember his love for you. Try to think of all the cute, funny and loving things about him. I know, for a long time those things will cause the tears to come. But it does help in the long term. Someday the tears will just be gentle tears of love and remembrance rather than the gut wrenching dispair that you now feel.

Hugs to you & Iggy......... Ginger

Hi Sherri--The God thing is something I have struggled with for years and even now at 53 years old I find my faith in intermittent stages of flux.But what I surmise at this point that the faith thing is key.By that I mean that while yes,a provable thesis by scientific hypothesis and tangible data for the existence of God by way of controlled experiments has thus far not entered the knowledge base in academia, faith has gained a respectable position in humanity's psyche as an optional way,short of scientific certainty,to provide at least psychologically,a modi%% of comfort and reassurance during times of tragedy and the ensuing balance of time left on the horizon.For example,on the night of the death of my beloved bulldog Willy,at 12;15 am to be precise,I stood outside on my patio and looked to the sky,engorged in tears and grief and pleaded to Willy "Baby boy,if you can hear or see me,please give me a sign that you are ok because I can't stand this pain and I don't think I can go on".Well,literally one second later a shooting star whoosed by at low altitude and disappeared.I have never seen a shooting star in my life and I took it as a sign.I had to.In the following days after his demise,Willy made 'appearances' to me in what could be described as in a holographic form,looking at me,coming up to me and giving a vibe that I interpreted as that things were just fine and as is the rest of all things in life,that of having an impermanent nature and this moment was not one of being static,but rather yet another cell on the continuing reel of this moving picture called our lives.Was it a projection of my mind wanting him back so much that I was able to generate this image? Perhaps.But in order to self-preserve I choose to think that it was real.Faith based I suppose.While I am a participant in a lot of what is proclaimed in the New Testament I also get good information for day to day living from the thinkers in the East(and I don't mean New Jersey).One thing that has embedded itself in my little sub-system of a sub-system otherwise known as my brain is this:

Desire creates attachment which creates universe--------On a good day this can be the balm of HOPE.

Peace and Love to you fellow PetParent...............Bubba.................

Oh Ginger, thank you so much for all your kind words and for the time you took to respond to me. I am having a really terrible day today and I just checked back in, hoping against hope that someone else would have some words of wisdom and condolence for me. Thank you for being there! I really appreciate what you said about intending to keep your cat indoors, but then they just beg to go out. I am really struggling with this. I just patched up every possible escape route in our fenced-in back deck and trimmed Pete's claws so he can't climb the fence (thank goodness he is such a fat boy... Iggy was a born fence-climber, skinny and lanky and agile), and have had the back door open for him for the past few hours. He was just miserable having all the doors closed to him, and while I am not planning to ever let him "out out" again through the front, I am so miserable myself today that Pete's crying was really killing me and I wanted to offer him a compromise. Now, in true cat fashion, he is happily asleep on the couch... (thank goodness).

I have turned a new corner in my grieving, just since this morning. I am certain that when I moved to Key West and started ****** my boyfriend (who is seriously allergic to cats), I pushed Iggy to become more independent. I didn't allow him to sleep with us at night (because of the allergy/asthma issue) and when he came crying by the window in the morning, I was just frustrated with him (so awful... so so awful) that he couldn't just sleep by himself a little longer.

Before the Key West / new boyfriend stage, Iggy had literally slept on my pillow every night. He would never have stayed out late, like he did the night he was killed, because he wanted to sleep with me. I don't know how I'm going to get past this horrible guilt-- I think of myself as a fantastic pet owner who goes above and beyond the call of duty for my cats, and yet I pushed Iggy away, when he was in a new place and really must have needed me more than ever before. I am so sure that my behavior last year encouraged him to become more independent, and roam outside more, and he almost never slept in bed with me any more. I feel like the universe gave me this incredible, and incredibly rare, little gift of a cat... and this is how I treated that special relationship: I made it play second-fiddle to a human relationship. I am really in anguish over this, and mostly because I HADN"T EVEN THOUGHT OF IT UNTIL AFTER HE DIED. Oh, my poor little cat. Iggy-- I am so sorry, sweet little man...so so sorry...

If anyone else has dealt with something like this, I would really appreciate hearing how you dealt with it. I guess what I feel is that I emotionally (partially) abandoned him, and that ultimately, that led to his increasing independence, and that led to his death. I feel like I failed him.

Bubba-- thank you so much! I have never heard that saying before, and it is beautiful! And thanks for giving me a little hope (if not faith, quite yet). I thought I heard his mockingbird this morning, which made me happy when I thought it might be some kind of a sign... and then sad when I thought "If I hadn't saved the mockingbird, maybe Iggy would still be alive." Ugh. I definitely understand where having faith that the bird was a sign without then having the awful nagging guilt would have helped me feel a little better. As I said, while I don't have a firm conviction for the existence of all things supernatural, I don't have a firm conviction that they don't exist either: a true agnostic. But my senses are all open (as is my mind, for once) to the possibility of signs from Iggy. Thank you!

Hi Sherri----I think this forum will be a good place for you as it has been for me.P.S. Google 'The Rainbow Bridge' You might enjoy it as a primer on your new journey.
Bubba.................

Sherri,

I don't really have any words of wisdom as I have not always been the best pet Mommie myself. Although after many mistakes I did try do do better as I got older and learned from the mistakes I made with pets lost. I got what my family thought was overprotective but my Flossie was 17 years, 7 months & 2 weeks old. I remind them she made it that long because of my dilligance

Many of us here feel a loss greater than a human family member. I think because they love us unconditionally..... listen to us anytime we need to vent, seem to know when we need extra attention. They are always so glad to see us when we come home. Some are just so extra special that the loss seems to be unbearable.

I hurt terribly at the loss of my special girl Flossie but I know in my mind that it was time. I tried to deny that for almost a month. She was eating good, still responded to me and would look to be sure I was near when sleeping on her bed during the day but she was having more days with difficulty walking than days that she could walk ok. She was cranky with me many times. I know I could have kept her alive longer but she was not my wonderful companion any longer. She was not in a lot of pain I'm sure but sometimes she just sat & stared at the wall or floor for a long time.

I believe that no matter the cir%%stances we all somehow feel that we failed our pets when they leave us. I feel I failed Flossie somehow also. I could have done many things differently for her in her lifetime. I also sometimes feel that I should have tried harder to keep caring for her even though she struggled to walk most days. She actually would sit a while and then you could see her determination when she would get up.... head for her bed with an almost "I can DO this!" attitude. I had devoted so many years to her health issues that they seemed to be getting to be too much. She'd started having seizures so I wouldn't leave her for more than a few minutes. So sometimes I wonder did I put her to sleep for me or for her?

These thoughts are heart and mind struggling with each other I guess. You are no doubt having the same struggle because you let Iggy be free and now blaming yourself thinking you pushed him away. This will no doubt last a while as it has been 5 weeks for me & I still struggle. I do have more better days now.... not to say I don't shed a tear every single day, but they do not seem to be such a deep feeling of hoplessness. Just tears for a long time much loved special girl that I miss sooooooooo much.

This forum will be a great help to you as you read what others write of their beloved pets. I come here and read several times a day. It does make me cry but the tears seem to be helping me.

You did not fail him... you loved him enough to get him from the dumpster. He knows that......................... Ginger

I lost Sissycat June 5 this year and lost my step-dad on June 25th. I felt so guilty cause I didn't feel near the loss with him that I did with my Sissycat. I cried for days and days when she was killed and only one time when he passed. I just couldn't understand why I felt this way. As many people here have said it is because we are with our pets all the time.
Yes to answer your question. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. Even my own kids. I felt bad for that too. I just wanted to be left alone.
The day she died I had to be at work about 45 minutes later and my daughter works the same place. I had called her and asked her to tell everyone not to even talk to me that day. It was like my body was on auto pilot. I was there and did my job--but I wasn't really there.
I also know what you mean about getting posts from someone. anyone. just to know someone out there is reading mine and letting me know they care. That means so much to me.


I know it is early, but maybe someday you can open your heart to another furbaby. Took me all these months. I got my Esme 5 days ago. She is crawling on my shoulder right now.

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Thanks Bubba! I will check it out...

Ginger, those were all words of wisdom, as far as I am concerned. Thank you so much again for your lovely long post. I just cannot believe how fantastic all of you have been to me today, and I have really appreciated it so much. I have been up and down all day today (mostly down), but have really been perseverating on this new realization that I pushed Iggy away-- to become more independent of me, when that was ultimately the LAST thing I wanted... I just didn't know that until it was too late. I have to pop up out of my grief here and give you some support now:

I know, from personal experience, that making the decision to euthanize a pet is just heartbreaking. My ex decided to go that route with his cat, Kitty, who we both knew was not enjoying her life much any more. But the day she was scheduled to go in to the vet, I stayed with her all day and she just purred and purred... and it made me second-guess everything we had already discussed, already decided on. It's tempting to think that if they show one positive sign, they want to stick around, but--in fact-- pets HIDE their pain. I just read somewhere that it's a survival instinct, and as a person who has studied biology forever, it makes sense: you don't limp or cry or even slow down unless you absolutely must, because in the wild you would immediately be targeted by a predator! So, don't think Flossie was fine, and you just decided to put her down for your own sake. When you have had a close relationship for as many years as you did with Flossie, you get to know them so well, you just know when it's time. And they can't tell you: you have to guess. But there are always signs and hints and clues, even if they're subtle. When I second-guessed my ex's decision about his cat, he simply said "I know my cat and she wants this to be over." In the final &%^ysis, I am sure he was right.

It is a painful, gut-wrenching thing to decide to take action to put an animal out of its misery, but when you know they are suffering and you have the power to end that suffering, it is a NOBLE, loving thing to do for them. I am sure you did the right thing and Flossie is so glad to have had such a strong mom!

Hi Sissycat-- your post made me feel SOOOOO much better! I just feel like a shell, like my insides have been ripped out, and I have been going through the motions just like you did. I had to teach a marine biology class Tuesday night, just 5 hours after I found out my Iggy was dead and in a dumpster and irretrievable (or so we all thought... I am so glad I got him back!). My boyfriend drove me to campus because I thought I was going to just walk in and say "Sorry guys, class is canceled." But I got there and saw them all waiting for me (I was late for the first time all semester), and then after I told them what had happened and told them I just wasn't myself, they all expressed their condolences and said it was OK with them if I wasn't myself. Something in me just clicked and I lectured for over 2 hours on complete autopilot.

I have been on autopilot ever since, I think, but I have been trying to stay busy. It isn't easy. I feel so spacey too... and I need to think clearly right now: I am making up all my final exam reviews for my students this week! And next week, I will have to write the exams and make them coherent and fair... ugh.

Thank you so much for sharing such personal aspects of what you went through with Sissycat: about feeling like you didn't want to be around anyone and feeling more upset over her death than you did over your stepdad's. I completely understand! While I was surfing the internet today, looking for animal grief sites, I ran across a site somewhere that was asking for volunteers for two psychological studies of pet loss grieving. Hmm... let me see if I can find it and post them here:
******************
BEREAVEMENT STUDY: The Continuing Impact of a Pet's Death

Researchers from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology are conducting a study to learn about the impact of losing a pet. The investigators are Wendy Packman, JD, PhD, Nigel Field, PhD., and Rama Ronen, PhD. In this work, the researchers are collaborating with Dr. Betty Carmack, Professor Emerita, University of San Francisco School of Nursing. They are requesting participation from adults (18 years and older) who have lost a pet within the last 12 months. It is hoped that the information learned will assist in providing comprehensive care for those grieving the death of a beloved animal companion.

If you choose to participate, you will be asked to complete questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your pet. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your pet. You have the option of completing the questionnaires online or we will mail copies of the questionnaires to you. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 1 hour.

If you are interested in participating in this study you can Click Here, send an email to: petlossstudy@gmail.com, or call 650- 421- 4870 and leave us a message. Thank you.
*******************
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR GRIEF STUDY. Help further our understanding of relationships between people and their pets. Has your cat or dog died within the last year? Have you NOT experienced the death a close person within the last two years? Are you at least 18 years of age?

A Ph.D. candidate at the California School of Professional Psychology is seeking volunteers to answer brief research questionnaires about their experience with the death of an animal companion.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. You may complete questionnaires online by visiting http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=Psxx...JO0Xf01Yw_3d_3d

If you have any questions regarding this study, feel free to contact Loren King, M.A. at animal.loss@gmail.com.
********************

Not sure if this is good forum etiquette to post these, but I honestly felt participating in them might be helpful to me... and maybe to you too. I think this animal bereavement issue is seriously under-studied and it would be great to help get more information out there for all of us who are suffering this way, and thinking we are crazy or abnormal for feeling this so deeply and for so long...

Thanks so much, Sissycat! I feel so much more normal now! Hang in there and I am so happy you have your little Esme to give and receive all that LOVE! I already am thinking of getting another furbaby, though I don't know how long I should wait and I fear that whole "am I trying to replace Iggy?" issue... but Pete is beside himself and so are Sean and me. So I guess we'll just see...

I feel like I have connected with you somehow.
I was unsure of when to get another furbaby. I wanted one right away just to fill the void, the empty hole in my heart, and just to keep me busy. I too felt like I would be replacing Sissycat if i got another and that is not what I wanted to do. No one can ever replace her. I know that. I don't think i will ever have that SPECIAL bond again. I am an animal lover (especially cats) I have an older cat about 8 years old and then there is Sissycat's mother about 4 years old, and I have Sissy's 2 littermate sisters. I didn't pick Esme I think her and Sissycat made it happen. Only you will know when the time is right. For some it is right away and others it takes time.
I really missed her with me at night. She would wait for me to lay down and here she'd come. My room was Sissy's domain. The other cats didn't come in there.
Just within the last month finally one of her sisters is coming to my bed. I just love it.

I sure hope my posts can help you. Yours help me too.
If it were not for this site I would have gone nuts i'm sure.
Yea, my family was there for me, but after a while I think they got tire of it. The people here never get tired of it no matter how long we are here.
I did participate in one of those studies.
Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Sheri, first of all, keep plugging away at the fence idea. However Pete might jump it. or how about a tabby tracker. Even thru all this I still believe, if the area is safe enough to let them out. The thing that scares me the most about indoor cats is if they do end of outside by accident, most don't survive.
As for the questioned you asked me, well, to be honest, I feel the same as you. I love Dave very very much, but that whole closeness bit has been tossed out the window. Don't feel it, don't want it. He has learned to accept and move on or at least he seems that way. How long will it take, don't know. At least we can talk and laugh about things a little more, but at the begining it was awful. We hardly spoke at all. I'd go over to his house and just clam up. I couldn't watch t.v. I just kept looking around the house at places he use to be. I still do it, but not as often. Yet as soon as he leaves the room, I make a dash to his ashes and sneak a kiss on them(don't worry they are in a plastic bag still). Once in a while he will mention Arthur and I say nothing or I'll start crying. Today was my first day voulenteering at the animal shelter. He asked "how'd it go"? I almost didn't say anything, but I made the mistake of mentioning they had just got a new cat in that looked just like Arthur. The lookalike I had in my first post had similar features, but this cat had EVERYTHING, the only difference is he's a little larger. I will post later on this when I can get his picture and do a comparison. Anyways, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "will you stop it"..I need his comfort and he won't give it to me..
So anyways, I guess we/they will just have to be paitent with us..Take care..Ann

A big hug back to you too, Sissycat. I am so glad you found Esme.. or she found you! I am sitting here after another crying jag. I think I am going to be a wreck for a long, long time. I decided yesterday to start every morning by writing a letter to Iggy, but I think I might have to do the writing at night because I am just devastated every time I write. I have to work next week somehow and be clear-headed somehow... and I don't think I can do that right after I write to Iggy.

I definitely feel like we have a connection. Thank goodness I found you here!

I know exactly what you mean when you say you don't think you will have the same special relationship ever again with another cat. I feel the same way, and I feel like I didn't even realize HOW special (I mean, I knew it was GREAT, but I don't think... oh, I don't know what I am trying to say... just that I didn't know this was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, I guess, but now I know and I am just heartbroken) until Iggy was gone, and it was too late. Now, I have to mourn for my little man, but also for the most significant, pure relationship I have ever had. I can never even hope to have someone like Iggy in my life again, and I am continuously beating myself up over all the little things I could have done (should have done) that would have kept him safe and prevented this from happening. Stupid stuff... like he should have been allowed to sleep with me at night every night, I should have walked up the street and called him until I had him safe in the house with us (he had been wandering more and later lately, and I just chalked it up to him being a very independent, energetic cat), I shouldn't have let him go back out after he brought the bird in (he had to be so full of adrenaline... it's almost like being in shock, and I should know that: I am a biologist!), and the worst of all is that I should have had a reflective collar on him. I always have had reflective collars on my boys, but they have lost collar after collar in the past 6 months or so that it just got so expensive to keep spending $8-9 per collar for the reflective ones... and then my boyfriend went out the last time and bought them collars on a Sunday morning when the pet shop wasn't open, and they only had non-reflective ones and I just thought they would lose them again in no time and we would get reflective collars the next time around. So stupid. So thoughtless. So lazy. So cheap. I didn't even consider the possibility that there wouldn't be a "next time around" and that, without the reflective collar, he would be invisible to cars at night.

Gosh, sissycat, I feel like I am so responsible for his death. I am just in a pit of despair and guilt and grief. Thank you so much for writing to me again: I have finally stopped crying, as I am writing back to you. Thank you!

If I can even give you a tiny bit of help it is worth it!!!
You listen to my stories just as well.
BLAME--I went throught that too. I blamed myself, my husband, and even a stray cat. It was just her time. We all have a special time and there is no way we can know when it is.

Now for the collars. I just can't put one on my cats. I have seen cats get hung, become tangled in fences and get their own legs hung in them and it cut off the wind pipe. I even found a cat several months ago at the laundry mat behind my house. It had somehow gotten it's front leg in through the collar with his head. He could barely walk or breath. Many years ago I found a stray that had once been someone's cat because it had a collar that was so tight that part of it's skin had grown around it. I know there are break away collars, but I just don't trust them.

I write to my Sissycat every Thursday. Even if it is just a quick little I love or miss you.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ann, your honesty and openness mean so much to me. I feel like I changed overnight when Iggy died, and I don't feel like I am ever going to be the same person again. In fact, I don't WANT to be the same person I was because that person didn't "seize the day" and put as much effort and love as I should have and take lots of pictures and videos (I don't have a single video and I already can't hear Iggy's little noises *exactly* as they were in my mind...) and take every precaution I could with little Iggy's life. I just haven't been really *living* my life: I've been bouncing from place to place, and job to job, and haven't settled down yet. I have felt NO contentment in the last two years or more. Happiness, yes, but no contentment.

I feel exactly the same way you did right after Arthur died: I just don't want any closeness at all with Sean, and I can see that he is really upset about this (we talked about it yesterday and he said he felt like, if I could be right next to him and still feel alone, that he wasn't the right guy for me...ugh). I am sure that if I keep pushing him away, something has got to give some time. I think it's got to be really hard for a partner to really "be there" for you while you go through something that you have to get through alone. And then, maybe after being pushed away for so long, they don't have much to offer when you do need them-- maybe this is why Dave reacted the way he did today? I hope this doesn't upset you, to have me offer some &%^ysis, but I feel like we are so close because of what we've been through and am just trying to offer an outsider's perspective.

I am definitely going to look into the fence thing and see what I can do inexpensively, but effectively... and in a house we're renting (I have to check the lease to see what kind of modifications I can make here). I also looked into the tabby tracker thing-- I had never heard of it!-- and then ended up finding this awesome little device called the Loc8tor (http://www.loc8tor.com/introducing-loc8tor.asp) that can be used to find a cat up to 600' away, if they do go missing. Of course, they can wander farther than that, but it's a start...

How did you feel volunteering today? I feel like I would have a complete breakdown with a bunch of animals around without homes. I have a hard time even going to a shelter to pick out a pet: I want to take them all home! But I have been thinking about being a foster home for a kitty. I just worry that I might have trouble with that too: feeling like I should just adopt them instead. Just curious what your reaction was to the volunteering thing...

Thanks again, Ann, and I'm happy you found a kitty who looks so much like Arthur: that must have really made you feel happy on some deep emotional level. I wouldn't be able to resist a cat that looked like Iggy either... I just know my next furbaby will have to be a gray tabby!

Big hug.

I really did enjoy voulenteering. It was something I wanted to do for a very long time. Arthur was my first shelter cat. (I'd never been in one b4) I vowed never ever to step foot in one again!. All those cats cooped up in cages day after day. I couldn't bear it. Then I thought well, they are safe and well cared for. That is their home (for now). I started going down once a week to get a feel for the whole thing. Much to my surprised they are let out to run around.(this is a very SMALL place), and the care they get is exceptional. In the past 2mo only 2 cats still remain, all others have come and gone so quickly it really fills my heart with joy.
Anyways I only get to work 1 hr a week. There's so much to do. Mostly cleaning. They all have such indiviual personalities and so much fun to figure them out. It's extremely hard to not get attached.
But I'm in a situation where I live with people who don't want any, so this is my escape so to speak.
I do get emotional from time to time, but Arthur will never be coming back and I have to accept this and move on. Not saying it isn't hard. Would I want another cat that looks like him, I'm leaning towards no. I think it would make me miss him more, if that is even possible. He wasn't your ordinary cat and seeing one that looks so much like him is rare. He is the same age and I thought it might be one of his brothers, but it said he was born Jun406 and Arthur was sometime in Nov of o5.
Like you, I don't think I will be the same person I was, at least not for a very long time. But getting invovled in this has made me feel a little happier. I have a few hours to kill b4 work and all that spare time was spent with Art. This is more rewarding than a part time job. All they want is some love and I sure have a lot to give them...
Dave and I will get back on track sooner or later. 2 out of his 4 kids are having early adulthood dramas in their lives that is keeping us occupied...If you get that tabby tracker, let me know how it is...Hugs..Ann

Hi Ann. I am so relieved (isn't that funny: I feel we are friends already!) that you are in a small shelter that is so good at finding homes for its kitties. I was imagining you in one of the big shelters, and I guess that wasn't something you would have done anyway... but I just remember how sad it was to walk through the animal shelter in Fort Lauderdale two years ago when I wanted to adopt a kitten. I felt like turning around and running right back out the door!

The rescue I got Pete from was run out of a woman's home, and then she would place the kitties "on display" in quite spacious cages at a nearby pet store: she found this got them adopted faster. It definitely got Pete adopted! I took one look at him and just had to bring him home. The sad thing (especially through this grieving process) is that I just don't have a very close relationship with Pete. I did, before Iggy came into the picture, but then once Iggy was there, I think he just kind of claimed me (and I him) and then Pete bonded with Iggy really well, so I thought, oh well, that's how it's going to be with me and Pete. We'll just both be Iggy's family, but not very close to each other.

The rescue I got Iggy from was a very small shelter on Marco Island and they are just wonderful! Some very wealthy couple with a gorgeous house with attached garage had the shelter in the garage. I remember feeling so confused about whether to walk up and ring at the grand front entrance... not your usual shelter experience! Inside the garage, they had a few cats and kittens in individual cages (the ones who might have spread infections or infestations to the other kitties), and then there was this huge, wonderful kitten cage (floor-to-ceiling, almost and then maybe 8' x 8'!) with maybe a dozen little kittens in it. Iggy was one of them-- I had actually seen him on their web page and fell in love with him then!-- and he came up, crawled onto my legs and fell asleep, purring. He chose me just as much as I chose him.

Anyway, I guess I should have known there were nicer shelters for you to be working at than the big, awful ones. And I am glad you are getting your "kitty fix". Even though I still have Pete, he just won't let me snuggle with him like Iggy did and hates if I whisper sweet little things in his ear... and I have to respect that. That's just how our relationship is. I honestly worry that Pete might have been happier as a single cat: even though he and Iggy bonded very strongly when they were kittens-- and were inseparable!-- their relationship had really changed since I moved from Fort Lauderdale to Key West. I know Pete has to miss him at some level, but he is not seeming miserable without him. He is just miserable because he can't get outside!

I agree with you that getting a "look-alike" cat to Arthur might make your grief for Arthur even worse. I have been trying to tell myself the same thing about getting an Iggy "look-alike" (though I really don't think that's even possible: he was such a weird looking little thing! I so miss all his funny little features. For instance, he had hip dysplasia! I tiny cat with bad hips! He used to lay with them completely opened flat against the ground and seemed to be most comfortable in that strange position!). Somehow, though, I find myself looking at pictures of look-alikes. There will never be another Iggy, and I am so afraid that any new kitty I get is just never going to have the same relationship with me... and if that happened with a look-alike... oh, I think it would be devastating.

I've been thinking I am not going to wait too long to get another kitty. Or at least to start looking... Maybe after the New Year. I just don't know. I think I will know the right one when I see him. And I am sure he will be a gray tabby (my cat Gizmo was one too... I just seem to have the best relationships with them) and I am thinking I should get a young shelter kitten who might initially have some extra vet care needs (making them less adoptable... except to me!).

Well, I am just rambling on and on now. I have been writing to Iggy for the past three mornings, and it just leaves me in such a rung-out feeling state. Ann, thanks so much for writing again: it made me so happy to see I had another "connection" to make this morning! Hang in there, you too, with all the family drama... and write me often. I really like this little friendship we've started! A big hug back to you!

Oh, and I might try the "Loc8tor", which is an actual device... IF I ever let a cat outside again (or maybe as an extra precaution if they are in an enclosure), I am seriously considering using one! The tabby tracker is not a device (unless I found the wrong thing!!! LMK.): it's a website that people go to to post their cat's name, description and zip code so that if they are ever lost, the finder can contact them (and people who find lost cats can post the same info so owners can go there looking for their missing cat). Pretty great service! I will let you know if I try any of these, but for now, Pete is locked inside except with supervision on the back deck that I am 99% sure he can't escape from...

I had to wait a couple of pages before answering because of the personal horror I felt at the story. As you probably know, I have an Iggy (Ignatius The Great) also, so thoughts of "What would I do if.." had to be managed before I could type.

In retrospect, I could have been more attentive to many of my past friends. Since, as I frequenly rabbit about, the only absolute unconditional love we are really going to experience in Real Life only comes from a cat or dog, in recent years for me, people come second. There are ..what..8 *10^9 people on Earth? You can call or email many of them. I just find less and less special about humans year after year. ONE dog bit me ONCE when I was a paperboy. ONE cat I met ONCE did not like me. If the oceans were ink and the skies were paper I could not list the disagreeable humans I have encountered.

People who do not love animals or understand that love can simply get out of my life, because the quality of devotion I will exchange with an animal is more sincere than any I will experience with a human.
Consider this, as a biologist: What other species TORTURES?
Drive a mile in traffic, read a History Book, or watch any random hour of TV, and decide if you would want 99% of what you see of humanity in your home.

(Just the other day I was thinking of certain relatives, and asked my lawyer if she thought I could adopt Iggy as a son. I have not gotten an answer, and suspect she is concerned for my sanity. She is probably digging up that Hobbs&Warren "Petition for Committment Form..) But I meant it.

In your siituation, all I can say is "Iggy was there first".
But, then, as you can tell, forty years of Corporate Life has made me misanthropic, so my absolutes are certainly a "Your milage may vary" kind of thing!

Your story of course made me think of the dilemma we all have about "Inside or Outside". We know they love the outdoors. They were designed to live there.
Fortunately or not, this decision has been lifted from me by the presence of coyotes here, and all the sad "Missing Cat" posters on telephone poles.
I don't have to face it because it is not an option. In another place, he surely would love a yard to play and hunt in.

Jon, thank you so much for your post. I too am a big misanthrope-- more than usual after my poor little Iggy was dumped in a dumpster. I have actually been thinking a lot about this in the past few days, and I think my misanthropy should have prevented me from ever thinking the world outside the house-- the world I have no control over!-- was safe. I am really really heartbroken over this and am looking for ways to enclose a space for my other cat Pete so he can still experience the outdoors without being in danger.

I took a look at your profile and all the pics of your Iggy: he is adorable! It touched me so much to hear that he chose you just like my Iggy chose me... you are very lucky. I think I am going to end up getting another kitty in the near future. I just have too much love to give, and I want to give that to another little rescue kitty who needs a mom!

At first I fet it would be heartless to "replace" my Catwife, "Mrs. Goodcat". But it has been established and settled that cannot happen. It is carved in stone and established on the seas and founded on the Floods, etc.

Then I began to realize that I simply had a Love Surplus that had nowhere to go. And the August before I lost Miles, I had lost a rare and special human friendship. I had turned into a recluse.

All I can say in summary is that Iggy is a SPOILED and intensely loved little* cat, and an extremely happy one. (Obnoxiously happy- exuberant. He is my lifeline and my Court Jester. Yesterday he was playing "Peekaboo" over the edge of the bathtub when I was taking a bath. And he FELL IN by mistake. You get the picture.) So, no matter how sad I am/was/were/will be about the missing human friendship, or my "marriage" with Miles, Iggy will not stand by and let me bleed. He has ADD, anyway.

You need a loving clown. Pete needs a best friend. When you are ready, or when Fate decides, you will meet one, or one will just simply show up and barge into your life, disrupt it, drive you crazy, and make you laugh. When the time is right.

As I say to people once in a while, a big value of this forum is not only the understanding we get from others, but also the chance to compare a Loss Thread with a New Beginnings thread.

Compare the Miles story with the Iggy Funnies, and the moods of the writing shows up. It shows that happiness can lurk in the Future, even as we fester in despair and desolation.

* (I will always think of him as I met him when he picked me. Even though I grunt when I pick him up now.)

Thanks so much, Jon. I had actually already done what you suggested and read both your post on Miles and your post on Iggy, and your uplifted mood was definitely apparent! I am already thinking that I need another kitty in my life, and just as you said, no one can replace my incredible little Iggy, but I have so much love to give and I need to have a kitty love me too (as I mentioned elsewhere, Pete and I just do not have the same relationship at all... I think he is actually happy to be getting some extra attention, but he won't let me snuggle him like Iggy did, and he hates if I whisper in his ear...). Now I guess I am just waiting until after Christmas (so hard to do... I absolutely love the holidays and I just don't feel I am going to experience them much this year, except to miss Iggy even more when he's not around to attack the wrapping paper and jump in the bags), since we are flying (with Pete-- little does he know) and I don't want to do that to a baby kitty. Anyway, thanks again and have fun with your Iggy!

Hi sissycat-- I read your post to me yesterday and thought I had replied, but now I see I didn't. Sorry!!! I keep getting so involved in other things-- to distract myself a bit from the pain-- that I have several windows open all at once, and I must have closed the window without posting my reply. You have definitely been such a source of comfort and compassion to me: a LOT, not just a little.

I actually went looking for information about the actual performance of the break-away cat collars yesterday (maybe this is when I lost my post to you!) and could not find ONE single thing about what % of time they succeed versus fail-- awful. The last reflective collar I had on Iggy seemed really difficult to break away, so I opened and closed it over and over until it seemed loose enough for him to break, if he got stuck somewhere (probably why he lost it, in hindsight). I will LYK if I find anything more on them...

Hope you're having a good day and thanks again!

Hello and how are you

I need to do some research myself on the collars. I would probably be like you tho. Have it so loose that it would fall off.

Sorry not to write too much right now. Think I am getting a cold and headed to rest. I will later.

Thanks!!!!

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey-- I am sick too! We even have that in common... I am off to sleep, so this is a short one too. Big hug and hope you have sweet dreams of your sweet sissycat. I keep waiting to dream of Iggy, but none yet. I keep hoping, though. G'night and take some vitamin C (I take lysine too: great antiviral).

Couldn't sleep so here I am again. Guess what I just bought a bottle of Lysine yesterday. Have never tried it. The pharmisist refered it to me.

Just wanted to say wish I would dream of her. Been over 6 months and not one dream. Many people dream of their passed furpets. Why can't I? I have had 2 experiences where she brushed against my leg in the kitchen. I am thankful for both.

Try to sleep again.

Hugs!

Some people think a dream is the mind's way of getting us back into deeper sleep. "I am waking up! Quick! Tell a story, and get my interest!". A nightmare is a dream that fails its purpose.<P>
I rarely dream of Miles..only a few times. I suspect my mind knows it would upset me, and I would then be awake for good.

Too bad, because it would be worth waking up for. Oh Well.

Good morning sissycat. I hope you managed to get some sleep. How funny that you just bought some lysine!?! It really does work, even after you already have the cold (unlike all the preventative stuff). I haven't dreamt of my Iggy either and it makes me really sad. I used to study neuroscience in grad school and it doesn't make sense scientifically either to not have dreams about someone you are thinking about so much of your day, and right before bed. I keep hoping, though... but I think if I do dream about him, I am going to be even sadder waking up without him.

It's one week today since we found out he had been hit by the car, and it was probably a week ago last night that he actually got hit... while it was dark outside. I still can't believe he's gone (though I know it's true), and now I am in some new stage of grieving that is more disturbing than sad: I find myself just feeling numb about it, like someone pulled a thick blanket over my emotions. It's all my emotions, really: I just feel numb, and then I feel badly because I want to just keep crying over him. But the tears only come very briefly a couple of times a day...

I don't know if it's because my brain has decided I had enough pain for a little while, and I am just getting a break and then it will start up again... I just can't imagine that's IT, and I'm just getting past this. At my core, I don't feel that way at all, but on the outside, the tears/emotions just aren't showing themselves. Have you experienced anything like this? I really hate it. I just want to FEEL all of this... even though it is so intensely painful... because it is so intensely painful. I lost this little beautiful innocent cat, who still looked like a really long kitten and still behaved like a kitten and who I had this INCREDIBLE relationship with... and I want to keep mourning him. But I just feel numb. It started on Sunday afternoon, after I had been crying all morning... and I haven't been feeling everything fully since.

Maybe it's partly because i am sick?

Anyway, I have so much to do today (and maybe this is another reason why I am unable to feel all this fully: I got NOTHING done last week, and it's finals week next week and I have SO much to do, I am overwhelmed). I have to get to work, and then I teach two 3-hour blocks (11-2 and 7-10) with grading and exam writing in between. Ugh.

Well, big hug to you this morning and I hope you feel a bit better and I will be hoping to the universe for you that you dream of your sissycat soon.

Good morning Jon. I agree with you: I think it would be both painful and wonderful for me to dream of Iggy, and I would gladly take the pain and the "morning after" to be able to experience him that way. I have been looking at photos of him all day long, and right before bed, and still no dreams. I just wrote to sissycat and told her this doesn't even make sense from the neuroscience perspective: if you are really focused on something, you tend to have lots of dreams about it. Perhaps I am still just too focused on my guilt because I sure am having dreams about that: Sunday night, I dreamt I left some electrical cord dangling on some machine-- even though I knew the thing could hurt or kill someone-- because I just had to walk away from it for a minute and I was too lazy to take the thing apart. Seconds after walking away, I hear a woman scream and saw her touching the cord and then falling to the floor. I woke up with a racing heart... and such sorrow, because I knew it was a metaphor for what I feel I did to my poor Iggy. Ugh.

I hope your Iggy is giving you much joy, and as I said to sissycat, I will be appealing to the universe on both your behalfs (behalves, I guess...) to let you dream of your dear kitties. I hope you see Miles in dreams soon!

Big hug.
Sherri

It could be. Dreams speak in the language of symbols. It is not always a bad thing...a lot of ideas have come to me through them. One of my patent attorneys bought a new Jaguar. (Interestingly enough, *I* did not..)

I do not feel cheated because of not dreaming of Miles often. From the day she climbed up on my lap, and stared into my eyes, and I had the amazing realization that "There was someone living in there", I know she will always be with me.



Everyone remarks on him being a laugh a minute.
But still, I know someday there will be a proportionate and terrible price for this joy, as always.
He has gotten a LOT of extra cuddles because of your story. And, as a cat, he is not questioning it, he is living in the present and gobbling it up.

Hello Sherri,

Just in from work and what is the first thing I do. (everyday) Get on L/S to see whats going on with everyone.
Yes, I have experienced the come and go emotions. As we have all described it is like waves or rollercoaster rides. Up and down and so forth. You think you are getting stronger then crash it all rushes right back again. The spaces inbetween vary. It is so normal. Being sick and work could play a part in it. I would feel guilty. Like I should be grieving, crying, or hurting more than I did at times. Guess it is just part of the healing. I would sorta keep track of how long it was inbetween my crying spells. Gradually it gets farther apart. I do still have my cry time. Even if it just lasts a few minuites.

I couldn't make myself move any of the stuff she had been sleeping on for the longest time. I finally got a baggy and collected all the fur I could off of it. There is still a few things she slept on. Maybe i'll never move it. Maybe i will, but right now i am just not ready to.

I write Sissycat every Thursday. It is the anniversary of her passing.

I have tried to make myself have dreams of her. One would think if that is what you are thinking of when you go to sleep it would be your dreams. Not true. Maybe someday.

Can I ask how you take the Lysine? He didn't really explain. Do you only take when you feel sick or everyday or how.

Hope you day went well!!

Kim

Thanks, Jon. I am so glad your Iggy got some extra love... it makes me feel like my Iggy did somehow too! I am *swamped* with work (yes, at 11pm) because I did *nothing* last week until Friday afternoon, and I have students turning in late assignments, students who need replacement assignments, students taking their finals early so they can fly to family elsewhere for the holidays... ugh. But I wanted to just send a quick reply to you and say sweet dreams to you and Iggy and Miles! Hugs!

So I guess I should start calling you Kim, instead of sissycat?

I do the same thing: I taught until 10pm tonight, came home, ate a little something and then got on to check in with everyone. Poor Greenie: have you seen her post "I did nothing." Oh, I felt like that was me talking about Iggy... I just replied to her, but she is really in need of more support, if you have a sec...

Anyway, I have to do some work for school (students get so needy at the end of the semester) and then get some sleep... and then be back at school teaching at 8am. Ugh. I feel so wiped out today, but the emotions are starting to return (thank goodness)-- just as you said they would. More crying, less eating... but it makes me feel better because I can FEEL again and miss my little Iggy man.

Before I go, though, here's how I take lysine: 500mg once (or sometimes even twice) per day, in AM and PM. It's an amino acid, so I don't think you need to take it with food (I have a ridiculously sensitive stomach and never have a problem with it). So, I just take it with water and it seems to give my immune system a little boost. I actually found out about it from a former vet who cared for my cat Gizmo, who had a viral eye infection (eosinophilic keratitis, caused by a feline herpes virus) that I initially treated with eye drops that had some corticosteroid in them, and a broad spectrum antibiotic: I was having to treat him more and more often and asked the vet if there was an alternative, and she suggested lysine. It worked AMAZINGLY WELL and I only had to give it to him for a few days, when he started to "wink" at me as the infection flared up and irritated him, and then the infection would subside before it ever got bad... somewhere along the line, I did some research and found out lysine was a good antiviral, in general. So I started treating myself with vet advice: ha ha!

Hope this helps, and I am so sleepy, I've just got to go to bed (the school work is going to have to wait until morning...). Good night and I wish you sweet dreams of your sissycat!

Sissycat or kim either are just fine.
Thanks for the advise.
I forget each time to tell you the picture of your avatar looks just like my son's cat Tucker.

For some a full schedule may help. I know I tried to stay as busy as possible and I tried to stay away from home also.
Yes I need to go and reply. Sometimes it just takes me a while to post to some. Feels like I just don't have the right words.

Have a great day!!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!

Hugs to you too Iggy!!!!!!!!

Hi Kim. Sorry I went missing for a day... I have had a really busy work week, and since I got nothing done last week, I was still catching up from that too. I am still in this strange phase of numbness. I had a little break from that last night, and just cried and cried about Iggy and how I could have let this happen to him, but this morning, I am back to numb again. It feels awful, this feeling like nothing.

Anyway, I didn't want you to think I didn't appreciate your latest message... because I did! Since I am in this strange numb state, I find I have nothing much to say either. So, how are you doing?


Hope you're having a good day!
Sherri

Hello,

I still get that feeling of I have nothing to say. I can read someone's post and just seems like no words will come, but next time I could write a novel. Everything you feel is completely normal. It is still very early so just hang in there!


Sorry so short gotta write a note to my Sissycat. 27 weeks today.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again Kim. It's good to have somebody tell me the way I am feeling is normal...
Big hug to you and Sissycat!
Sherri

Just checking on you. I've been working alot. Trying to get in as many hours before x-mas as i can.

Anyway hope your doing ok. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Sherri, been reading thru, hope you are feeling better. I don't know if you've been around the LS forums, but the first day I voulenteered at the shelter, wouldn't you know, a Maine coon arrived. If your familiar with my forums, Arthur has a funny way of sending these cats my way..Like you, the first time I walked into a shelter I vowed never to return to one again. Yet after my loss, I just felt I needed to be around them, to help in some way. I cannot have any due to the people I live with, I need them, I need to fill this void. The second time I worked there(last Fri one hour every Fri) there again, another Maine Coon..Even the woman that works there said these are the first she's seen. I love all the shelter kitties, even the ones who bite. I have a funny thing in my head that if I give them a little love, it will give them hope of finding a home and someone to love them unconditionally. (too bad they can't think that way). An older cat there has stolen my heart. He is about 10, not much to look at, not very active, but just the fact that people don't even give him a mere glance tears me up. (I'm working on him being mine, have to get my sig. other to agree, he's still not budging)
A lot has to do with the whole indoor/outdoor thing too. As for the cat tracker, gps, whaterever thing, yeah it's a good idea, but what if your not home and can't catch the danger in time. They're worst than kids. We worry just the same. I just really wanted stopped by to let you know I share your pain. This is the part of life I loathe!!...Thinking of you and Iggy..Hugs.. Ann

Hi! Thanks for the message. I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster this week... from numb to sobbing to just fuzzy-headed... I feel like I must be in some new phase of my grieving process, but I feel I just can't accept that Iggy is gone-- GONE. It stops me in my tracks, every time I think of it, and it makes me feel this enormous hole inside me. I have decided I am definitely going to adopt another rescue kitty, but I am almost afraid to proceed with that because I want to be sure I find a kitten who I will be able to build a really special, close relationship with (like what I had with Iggy, though I know it won't be the same... and probably won't be as special).

On a lighter note, I took Pete outside today-- on a leash, for the first time in his life. He doesn't love it, of course, and every time he feels any resistance, he either freaks out and tries to pull away from me or lays down and won't move. But, he is much better with it than I thought he would be and it gives me hope that I'll be able to give him a little outdoors every day-- safely! Ultimately, I will have to have a home with a cat enclosure outside (I just don't feel it's a "complete" life for them to be inside all the time but I don't feel I can be sure they will live out their complete lifespan unless they are in a safe enclosure), but Key West (and a rental home) just isn't the place to do this.

How are you doing? Sounds like you are staying busy, which is always good... I have been so inefficient in my work (besides giving lectures, I work completely from home, which has so many reminders of Iggy everywhere) that I am still playing catch-up, and not very well. I am also applying to a PhD program, even though I am a bit concerned about making a big decision like this now, but in any event, it's more work to do.

Well, speaking of more work to do, I had better get back to it. LMK how things are going with you!

OH! I almost forgot: I have dreamt of Iggy twice (not last night, but the two before: actually, always in the morning right as the sun is rising-- exactly when he would start meowing at me--not a morning person-- to get up and give him some attention). It was wonderful to have the dreams, but awful to wake up and have to realize all over again that he isn't really here, and ok.

Big hug to you, and here's a picture I just got out of Sean's phone of my cute, weird little man:

Hi Ann! Gosh... I am sending every wish I can to the universe so you can bring home that kitty! Is there any way you could build a cat enclosure for him, to satisfy your desire to give the cat his freedom while keeping him safe? I did a Google search for cat enclosures and there is a place that sells plans (the pre-fab ones are $$$) pretty cheap: then, it's just the cost of materials (chicken wire and wood) and your time to make it happen. This is definitely what I am going to do eventually... though, for now, I have to say, I am hopeful that Pete will take to the leash training! I just took him out on a leash for the first time today... and he did much better than I thought. He's happily asleep now next to the couch, purring in his sleep! This is a good temporary solution, if the cat will accept it: maybe you could try walking the cat you are interested in adopting around inside at the shelter and see if he'll do the leash thing! I just think it would be awful if there wasn't some way for you to work this out and get your kitty! Anyway, I have managed to get myself SOOOOO behind in my work, so I have to go, but I posted a really cute pic of Iggy (his weird, totally comfy sleeping pose) in my reply to sissycat, if you want to take a look: it will make you laugh, for sure.

One last thought: if your shelter kitty is now in an extreme situation of being forced to be an indoor cat (in a cage all day), he may not even want to go outside if you never give him the opportunity. There are cats (like my ex-boyfriend's) who really are perfectly happy indoors, so perhaps if you think about how much better his life would be in a house where he gets lots of love every day-- versus in a cage where he does not-- you will be able to see your way clear to having him as an indoor kitty. ? Just a thought.

Big hug to you, and I am crossing my fingers for you...
Sherri

Some cats will walk on a leash. I had a cat (Cloe) that would walk on a leash. I even took her to school for school and tell for my daughter. Well let me back up. It was a harness not a leash. Maybe try that. It gives them less of a feeling of being choaked I think.
I know what you are saying about the rollar coaster. This has been the LONGEST rollar coaster ride i have ever been on.

You will know when the time is right and I bet Iggy will guide you. Took me 6 months to find one. I was just afraid I was trying to replace Sissycat. I realized I have enough love for both. (and many more)

Yes, I am staying busy right now. My only day off and we are decorating the outside and I am making 2 decorated cakes for 2 girls for a church auction tonight.

Maybe my dream will come someday. Glad you have been getting some, but sorry it makes you sad.

Love the picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was enjoying himself all stretched out. lol

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!