The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

Wow, what a beautiful cat, and such a beautiful, loving and adventurous relationship you had. I hope the beautiful memories will someday outweigh the sorrow for Mage's transition.

I share the transition date of August 28th of losing my special kitty angel, Ziggy, who was shot.

Wishing you much healing and love.

Jan.

Thank you Jan. Mage was and is my most beautiful boy. Such an amazing person.

I am sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your Ziggy. How sickening that must have been for you.

It is indeed extremely difficult to integrate the loss and all the differences that brings into the present. I'm not coping with that very well at all.

Thank you again for your wishes.

Take care of you.

Wendi.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Wendi, just being able to get caught up on some posts. I am so glad you do indeed have counselors who can offer you the support and comfort and encouragement in your healing journey from the physical loss of your beloved Magion. When my Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma it was at his annual physical, and the vet absolutely refused to give him any vaccinations because of his depressed immune system. So, you did a good thing in not overloading his immune system, Wendi, with vaccinations. And you were also wise not give him the herbs because of their side effects and because of the potential negative side-effects they would caused with the chemo and other medications he was on. The chemo stays in the system for a very long time - - and caution is always required in administering other drugs, etc.. Part of the healing journey includes "looking back" and trying to "make sense" of things that we didn't have time to previously think about or thoroughly investigate. It is said dreams are the process of the mind to resolve what has happened in our lives. So, what you are experiencing in your healing journey is normal, Wendi - - admittedly it can be unsettling at times but it is still normal. Our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love which allows us to surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation and without any threat of rejection. Magion's sweet living Spirit continues to be with you and you can still dance for him, sing to him, talk to him, and travel about knowing that he is always with you in whatever you do and wherever you go. And we are here for you, too, Wendi, for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Wendi, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Magesmumma]

is said dreams are the process of the mind to resolve what has happened in our lives. So, what you are experiencing in your healing journey is normal, Wendi - - admittedly it can be unsettling at times but it is still normal. Our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love which allows us to surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation and without any threat of rejection. Magion's sweet living Spirit continues to be with you and you can still dance for him, sing to him, talk to him, and travel about knowing that he is always with you in whatever you do and wherever you go.

Thank you Moon Beam. I thought of dreams in that way too, but then one has those dreams that don't seem to have any association with what is or has happened and one can wake up with a sigh of relief and say 'it was only a dream.' Then there are those that are different again - I bought a book about grief dreams and it speaks of 'visitation' dreams and various other types. Sometimes I've had dreams about Mage when I am crying deep deep tears and screaming deeply within those tears that Magion is gone - this happens if I haven't cried much that day - it then comes out in my subconscience at night. Then there are dreams that I don't remember but I know Mage has been in it because I don't feel totally anguished in the morning. And then there have been those dreams where Magion has been there and we've been able to play and Mage's rolled on the carpet and I've been able to pat him and be with him and the feeling is so real of being able to touch him and hold him and just be with him again. These then feel like 'visitation' dreams, where Mage comes to me and I wake in the morning feeling incredible. It's just that we had that everyday, now I can only experience him that way in my dreams and he doesn't come in that way that much - and I try to remember that I need to relish those times when he does come - in my dreams or I just feel him around, adjusting to the change just sux. I thought this morning that the dreams I don't remember that well of him are indeed probably those dreams of my own psyche trying to make sense of things and process everything that has happened.

Thank you Moon Beam for your words about Magion still being with me. I talk to him still but I find myself not talking as much as we used to - but if I make a conscious effort to tell him about my day and how I'm feeling, I do feel better and do feel that he hears me. I have just bought an electronic keyboard tonight - I was going to awhile ago anyway so something I was going to do when he was here, but I thought I would try to learn (I don't play) how to play the songs I used to sing to him - write down the notes etc, because I am not singing them as much, although I do at times, the spontaneity has diminished and so I don't forget the tunes I thought I would try to learn to play them. I'll see how it goes.

Thank you again.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Lately, I have been seeing my rassy cat like in my minds eye. I was so worried about not being able to remember what he looked like except from pictures. I guess he is letting me know his spirit still exists....in a plane that I just cant physically see him. I had a few crying bouts over the last year. I remember two were very upseting to me....more so than many of the others. After each, I saw a big white whisker left on the floor for me by him. I miss now being able to pick him and tell him how much I love him.

Hi Joanne, I have felt like that with Mage, at one point the photos just weren't enough I just so wanted him physically here. I've seen Mage too in my minds eye, it is amazing, like they are really there, and yes, one does just want to desparately pick him up and have such a big cuddle. Rassy's gifts to you are incredible. I used to save Mage's whiskers for some reason, I just liked them and never liked throwing them out. I suppose like people keep hair from a childs first haircut and so on.

Our hearts are broken. We realize now just how capable we are to love. But, its hard starting over and trying to bond with another. Its just not the same. And of course, it isnt the same. And then I wonder if I have thrown road blocks up, so that I will never feel this kind of pain ever again.

When I lost Fee Fee back in 1996 I said never again. I said I would never get emotionally attached again. Five years later when I met Bakkus and Magion I said to anyone who would listen, I would not get emotionally involved again, I was going to keep these two at arms length, I would not get attached. When they moved in to the flat with me, it was only a few days, not long enough really to let them outside, but one of them was kicking up such a fuss in the spare room, climbing at the venetian blinds during the night, that I ended up saying, 'that's it, you're out of here.' I suspected it was Bakkus because he was the older of the two and I remember smearing his feet, all four I think, with margarine (old wives tale isn't it?) and let him out the front door. It was not a pleasurable thing to do, it was night and quite dark out and he ran over the road - he did not stop to lick the margarine off at all! - and ran down the foot path. I watched from the front door thinking I would never see him again (at the RSPCA he was the feline that wowed alot, and I thought he saw anyone who walked in as his ticket out of there. But I took him knowing that.) But I was amazed, he came back, that night, and he wasn't gone for long. I didn't know much, anything about kidney disease then and the vet we saw then was treating him with some drug for a long time, no blood tests, nothing. He died of kidney failure up at Dads one weekend, 17 months after we met. And when my Dad and I buried him and knelt at his grave, my feeling was like I had buried my child. It was awful.

Needless to say Magion, hooked me right from the start, but I still didn't want to get too emotionally involved. It really didn't take long. They weave their magic over us and we're gone, hook, line and sinker. The world ceased to exist the day my boy went. And I said to my therapist today that when I talk about this year, my mind stops at August - the month he went. I exist now, but my mind doesn't recognise time in that way.
Magion was it for me, he was the love of my life and there will be no other. He didn't like me even talking to another feline let alone attempting to touch one, which I couldn't anyway. I really did become a one feline person. My eyes and heart were only for him. I never felt inclined to touch another feline, I would say hello, but no desire at all to reach out to another in a friendly gesture, Magion wouldn't have liked it, and I didn't want to. I would say to him 'I am yours, totally yours' when he would stand between me and another feline and wrap his tail around my leg and claim me. I loved being his, and still want to be his.

We have indeed shared a similar journey with our felines. I had been reading your thread the other night, and needed to go to bed as it was quite late and I had only got to page 6. I quickly turned to page 28 to find out that Howard and Mew had also gone, as I was wondering how they were. I was sad to hear that they went and only since you've posted here have I learnt that they went in January. Such heartbreak in such a short time. I truly don't know how you are still standing.

It's 11 weeks today (Thursday) since my boy went and it feels like an eternity. I am not ready to let go either.

I will be thinking of you as you tend to the needs of your other babies in the midst of your continuing sorrow.

Thank you Joanne and take care.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Just noticed it's nearly 7 am according to the time on the posting - it's nearly 11 pm here. It's been a long day.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Joanne, I said in my response to you above that Fee Fee went in 1996 - it was 1986 and I met Bakks and Mage in 1991.

Just had to nip back and correct that.

Take care.

Wendi.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Wendi, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I have read through the recent posts. You mentioned that you don't talk to Magion as frequently as you used to. That is because his sweet living Spirit is now in your heart and knows what you are thinking about. I know this must sound quite "transcendental" -- your relationship with your precious Magion has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension that transcends both time and space. He is always with you in everything you do and everywhere you go - - because he is a part of you which no one and nothing can ever take away from you. Not vocally talking to Magion will never diminish him from your heart or your life, Wendi. But talking to him, as each of us talk to our beloved companions, is both comforting and helps to bridge the temporary physical separation. Wendi, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Magion. And best wishes on your music endeavors. My mom was a wonderful musician - - not professional, unfortunately for her, but I loved so much to hear her play the piano and to hear her sing. I know Magion is smiling - - and may even help you sort out the notes to the tunes you shared together. Wendi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Joanne and thank you for sharing more of your story of Rassy, Howard, Mew and your other babies. I hope they are coping okay with all the different things that are happening for them. When I read about you Pu$$yWillow I am so reminded of the plant which brings back memories of Mage - as years ago he actually used to like eating the furry grey 'flowers.' I had to move it away from him! So I imagine your baby to have been grey and fluffy.

It is indeed heartwrenching. The tears are but a breath away and I break down at any time when I talk about my boy - I miss him, I miss his personality, his mannerisms, everything about him. And I have kept his hair too. He had a cat spa and I would brush him as he would moochle on the spa and I just kept his hair. Recently though I had cleaned his spa and now feel bad that I did that, because I can never have him back on it again the way it was, as it hadn't been cleaned for awhile. The hair is there from his last few brushes, but not alot, but it does smell of him, so beautiful. I also washed his doona cover on his bed recently and his bed cover in one of his houses so they were clean for him, now his mark on the bed and in the house is not there and I regret doing those things. He had other posies around the house and his smell is on them, but I would have liked to have had that hair outline of him on his single bed still. I try not to smell his things too often as I don't want to taint them with me.

It is so hard coming to terms with everything - the 'whys' the 'hows', the 'what ifs.' I miss him so, as you do your boy Rassy as well as Howard and Mew.

I just want Mage back and still can't believe he is gone. He can't be. It wasn't supposed to be like that, we only went to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open (which was over the road) so we could see the specialist. He wasn't supposed to do that. He wasn't supposed to leave. And although the vet at animal emergency said when the specialist faxed through his history that his red blood cell count was down to 13% and said she didn't think he had long I sort of heard it in my head but my heart was shattering. I had to be there for my boy but I desparately wanted them to do something, they had to do something to save my boy. And as I write this the tears and the deep crying are here again. I just so want him back. The specialist didn't tell me the night before after we left after a day of IV fluid that his count was down to 13%. I have been so angry that he didn't say something then, for what Mage needed was a blood transfusion and time was wasted because I didn't know. I rang the specialist paging service about 5 times that night before we went to animal emergency and he wasn't responding. I rang animal emergency, I rang another specialist to see if he had our specialists phone number, I even rang Paul - who I have been so angry with - at 5:30 am because I knew he got up at 6ish for a jog. He didn't answer either (he left messages after we had left.) Animal emergency said a blood transfusion would give us about 2 days and I thought if that was the case then maybe we should just say enough is enough as Mage had had enough of doctors and being poked and proded. But when the specialist did come over he offered hope and said the blood transfusion would give us 2 weeks and then we would need another donor feline. But as we were trying to arrange the blood Mage started having seizures. The specialist didn't think we could get the blood in time. He assured me Mage wasn't in any pain or suffering. He said he thought his awareness was drawn in to being focussed on only his very, very immediate surroundings - basically aware of my presence but that was probably all. It was heartwrenching. I didn't want him to suffer, to go into the next life with all our 17 years of beautiful memories erased by what he was experiencing then. He didn't need the valium I consented to as his seizures stopped and he became very peaceful. But I have questioned all sorts of things. As well as not insisting on getting the blood, because Mage was incredible and I didn't even say to him to hold on for the blood.

I just want him back.

I feel you understand Joanne, as many do here. Thank you.

Thinking of you as you continue in your grief and look after your current babies.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you moon_beam. I do believe that it is a transformation, that he has been transformed and that our relationship is now different but exists nonetheless. I just miss him being around so much.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Joanne. I've only just come to reply now to your message, but while I was at work on Friday, I was feeling low so checked in to the website and saw your response. Tears came as I read what you had written about Mage and the blood and how long could he have kept holding on. I know, and again the tears start, I know. And the vet at animal emergency said the blood would only give him two days, and I said to Mage then, as he was lying on me as I was slumped in the chair, that maybe enough is enough. I knew he didn't like things being jabbed into him, but I really just wanted to scream, I really just wanted them to make him well. He had had the IV fluid the day before and his arm was still bandaged and when they said the blood would give him two days, and I said to Mage, well maybe enough is enough I started to unwrap the bandage so he could be comfortable. Joanne, I didn't want to let him go, I didn't want to let him go. And those deep deep tears have again stirred in me as I write..... How could I let my boy go, how? I love him so much.

My heart just keeps breaking and breaking. He was and is the love of my life. He trusted me and I couldn't save him.

The specialist gave hope when he said the blood would give us two weeks. I have wondered whether I had said to Magion too soon about being enough - did I put the thought into his mind about going? I shouldn't have listened to the vet at emergency saying he was going. How could I accept that he would leave me that day? We only went there to wait for the specialist centre to open, as I said to you the other day, for the specialist had left his arm bandaged and he was going to ring that morning to see if we would do IV fluid again that day. Mage wasn't supposed to leave me, I was never going to be ready for him to leave me.

He was put on oxygen when we got to emergency and I was holding the tube to his face as he was lying on me. When Mage started having seizures and the specialist said that the blood wouldn't be able to get there in time I said we should be at home. But Mage needed oxygen and I wouldn't take him away from what he needed and it is illegal to take the oxygen home with us. So we had to stay there. We went to a back room with a couch and dim lighting and the specialist helped me get Mage comfortable in my lap and there we stayed. Sharing more moments together, but me still demanding the emergency vet to do something to make him well.

How could I let my boy go Joanne, how?

It's 12 1/2 weeks and I just want to hold him.

I just remembered - I vacuumed on the weekend, first time in ages - second time since he's been gone, just couldn't do it, I felt like I was vacuuming the last bits of him up. But I had to do it on the weekend, the carpet was getting grotty. Anyway, I didn't find whiskers as Rassy leaves you, but I found claws! Bits of claw - one in Mage's and my room and one in his room. And Mage's and my room, in the part that I found the claw, had been vacuumed before. I have put them both in a keepsake box I bought when I went down to the beach not long after he went. So precious, so precious to find a claw.

I hope your current babies are doing well.

It seems that no matter whether the ones we love are assisted to pass over to the next world as you needed to do with Rassy, Howard and Mew or whether they go of their own accord as Magion, we are left with the feelings of helplessness - of not being able to save them, do more for them. And we trust others educated in the field to know best, to know what is right for them and even they don't know enough because they have to have such varied knowledge in so many different areas for many different species. How can the doctors know what we expect them to know when they also need to know so many other things for other individuals? I just remembered that in my case Paul had said years ago that his area of expertise was with birds. He was good however in picking up changes that could be felt. He was too cautious when it came to Mage's kidney problems - raising all manner of fears in me when he said that Mage could no longer have a lot of medications. Mage and I only went outside together for the last 4 and a bit years and I do recall as I write that even though we were out together he still got into fights, one right in front of me that I had trouble breaking up and in which he lost his right canine tooth! My angst with Paul is that he should have had Mage on extra fluid, when he hadn't even suggested it and helped with his eating/supplements.

As you know I have been angry with the doctors, even the specialist. But even more angry with myself.

I think I need a cup of tea Joanne. I do hope things are going well with you personally and your babies. Having had to experience the final moments with Rassy, Howard and Mew on your own without your husband would have been heartwrenching. My neighbour came to me after Mage went. We weren't very close but she was amazing during that time. If it had to be, I'm glad Mage and I were together, just the two of us, that's how it was in life for many years, that's how it should have been then.

Do take care, and thank you for listening.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thanks Joanne.

Just a quick note to say I've been feeling so very flat, more so than usual. The weather is getting warmer and Mage and I loved the warm weather. It was the time over the last few years that I took quite a bit of time off work so we could just be together and enjoy the warm. Last summer he would stay out till 11-12 at night, just lying on the tiles and we would lie together on the lounge outside and look up at the stars. Over all our years together we always enjoyed summer - one of the reasons why I went to Queensland, for the warm weather. I had always planned to go back but somehow, for some reason it never happened. I became very unsure of how well he could travel after the kidney problems were diagnosed, needing to drink more and him not wanting to drink in the car - although he had no objection to travelling. Not achieving the things I wanted to for him is such a bitter pill. I miss him so much.

I hope your Lily is starting to feel abit better. Have you tried Bach flowers or other flower remedies? Supposed to be good for stress. There is a Bach flower remedy for endurance under pressure - I wanted one vet we saw (another one, I tended to get third and fourth opinions on most things - that's what erks me too as none of them said Mage should be in hospital) to prescribe that for Mage because he was going through so much, but the vet said that when he saw Mage that he wasn't at all stressed. That was Mage - laid back most of the time.

I hope you too are feeling reasonable. Take care. You've been through so much and still continue to care for your others. Be gentle.

Wendi.

[LeoC]

Wendi...so sorry to hear of your Magion passing. He is somewhere up there with your Dad keeping him company. Our dog passed away too, 2 years before my Dad passed away too. And we are thinking that our Princess is keeping him company in heaven. Many hugs to you. Be strong and take care.

[Magesmumma]

Thankyou Joanne.

I do look at the stars in the same spot where Mage and I used to look up and one does seem to be shining that bit brighter. I haven't felt Mage for awhile and I want to, although he has come to me in dreams every now and then. The dreams are lovely as I am able to touch him - I just don't know why I don't pick him up and smother him in kisses which is what I would do if he was here now. Usually we are outside doing something.

I know that when i said good bye to Rassy, I begged him to come back and not leave me alone. I am always looking online at tuxedos...One day a thought came to me, the words: dont look for me, I will find you...

I hope Rassy does find you. That his Spirit soars around you.


I had a bad day yesterday but after a while I went out to the shops and ended up at this alternative sort of place I have been to in the past. I was drawn to some words on 'hope' they had in the window. When I went to buy some things I mentioned that I had experienced a recent bereavement at which the lady came from behind the counter and asked if she could give me a hug. I said I would cry, which I did when she hugged me. She then said she wanted to sit me down in the cushions at the back of the store and have me hold something. She got a purple coloured stone out and took me by the hand, me with tears streaming down my cheeks and led me to these cushions on the floor. There she sat me and put this stone in the palm of my hand and said when I was ready to hold it to my heart. During the time I held it, I thought of you and another person on this site, thinking wouldn't it be nice to be able to send healing stones to people. The lady also during this time brought another stone and put it along side the other. It was quite calming sitting there.

So I send you calming thoughts Joanne in the midst of all your action.

I'm glad you've found some reassuring doctors now for your family.

Peace to you.

Will talk soon.

Wendi.

PS. I just really miss Magion, all the time, and particularly when I am on the computer at this time of night. Not something he would tolerate but then he would have been outside and I would have been popping up every now and then to check he hadn't gone off somewhere. Then if he wasn't where I could see him I would be off finding him, and he would probably be just around the front sitting on the driveway or on the edge of the lawn, perusing his territory and when he saw me, would say wow and get up and come to me. He was such an amazing individual - he taught me so much. And kept me up and about - I'm not up and about at all now he is not here. And truly, I cannot believe he is gone, could not believe he could go. I miss him so.

Take care.

[Magesmumma]

Wendi...so sorry to hear of your Magion passing. He is somewhere up there with your Dad keeping him company. Our dog passed away too, 2 years before my Dad passed away too. And we are thinking that our Princess is keeping him company in heaven. Many hugs to you. Be strong and take care.

Thank you LeoC.

I do believe my Dad and Magion are together. That Dad is looking after Mage now. I'm sorry to learn of the passing of your Princess and your Dad. Indeed they are together. Thank you for the hugs, I need those. Being strong is not something I am really able to do - not consciously anyway - I just keep crumbling in a heap most of the time.

Thank you again.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

I was just feeling angry with Magion for leaving me as I logged off a few moments ago, for if I was on the computer Mage would either be up on the desk all over it as in my avatar, or asking to go out, or on the couch behind me, snoozing or just being together. So as I left the study I was annoyed he wasn't around - it's not right. In went into the lounge, still saying that he could not leave me and annoyed/angry that he did. Then I recalled as I was moping around the house that I wasn't keeping up our routine and going outside at night - as we did together - so I intentionally went out. It was about 9:20 pm (DST) and I went over to where we would go. I looked up to the sky to see only clouds, not a star. So I squatted down as I did with him and I called his name, and called his name. And I opened my arms out wide like I did for him if he was over somewhere, and he would come running. And again I called him - half expecting him to come running from somewhere to me and I calmed myself and opened myself - and for some reason I looked up and there in the clouds was that one star that has been shining just that bit brighter and it grew brighter and brighter and I said, you came, you came. And I just wanted to come in and tell anyone who wants to listen - and to let Joanne know as I had only just said about the star in the last post. I just wrapped my arms around myself as if I suppose I was giving him a huge hug and I spoke to him. The star faded and the clouds came over again, but a few moments later it came out again. It was like he did respond to me calling, it's just that I wanted him here with me, rather than in the ether. But I know somewhere he has other things to do now, others to guide, but it was like he is still guiding me, it is just that I want him here. I'm going outside again now. I just wanted to tell you all.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

I just hope that throughout infinity we hook back up with our babies.

Oh, I so hope so. It would be such bliss. I can not, will not allow myself to think that that is it. I don't want to feel better, I don't want to feel anything if it means I don't have my boy. People say I have to try to feel better, but why would I want to when the love of my life is not here with me? I think it's strange people expect that. But then, losing Mage is the most profound loss of my life, we were so close. Both my parents are gone and although both devastating in their own way, and especially my Dad, losing Mage has been, is the most intense loss.

I would think to myself, remember this, remember how he feels how he smells etc. And you know, its hard to remember those phsysical characteristics......what our senses preceive. But, well beyond our five senses, love can be experienced.

I would say exactly the same thing Joanne. When Mage and I would snuggle on the couch I would say that I wanted to absorb those moments into the essence of my being, to remember, and in the midst of those moments I didn't want them to end, just go on forever. He was such my joy.

If I concentrate on him.....rather than the saddness, I believe, I increase my vibrations and that helps me communicate with him.

I have started to think this too. That the reason why I hadn't experienced him lately was because I have been feeling so incredibly flat. And yet last night when I did follow our routine and go outside, there was that star. There must be something in all that.

And I dont think I can handle eight cats right now with this house for sell and the realtors flipping me negative comments about how I need to get rid of my cats.

Are you moving? It would be so hard caring for all your family and moving, and you're probably right in not being able to handle another one at this moment. But as you say - what is meant to be will be. I am so glad Lily is starting to feel better. I hope she continues to enjoy all your hugs and kisses together.

Perhaps the new arrival is the thought of letting go of the terrible self blame and pain. I dont want to ever stop thinking of my wonderful boy.

It's interesting you mention new arrivals as I have been having dreams every now and then of babies. I do not have children and have no desire to do so, but the new arrival symbolism is what I see in them, yet in the midst of my despair I don't understand. To me, life will never be the same and it is agony without my boy. So anything to do with newness is unpleasant to me. So maybe you're right, the new arrival is to do with letting go, which takes me back to this place and my job and all the things that keep turing in my mind. I shall reflect more.

I am thinking of you Joanne. In all your being with and caring for your family. And thank you for thinking of me too. I like how you say ...You know, there is something to be said about holding onself......extending love to the self.....our boys are guiding us on a journey of love.....we are loving them and they are loving us back. ... they teach us so much don't they. I have only just realised since I bought the painting with the words on hope from the shop the other day, that Magion actually taught me to hope. I would have described myself as a basically hope less person, one without hope. When I was studying theology and doing a parish placement I was constantly told by members of the congregation after the service that there was no hope in my sermon. And my supervisor would say that it was okay to go through the doom and gloom stuff but that people needed some hope at the end. That was 13 years ago. Magion was only 5 years old at the time. And as I was questioning myself lately as to why I hadn't stopped work sooner; why I hadn't been around more; why I kept saying to him that I would not give up on him when he had that look in his eyes, and as these questions were whirling in me, I saw these words in the window of the shop:
Hope is the thing
with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune
without the words
and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson.

When I read these words I realised that my driving force with Magion had always been hope. I had always hoped in him being well, always, even when they said with his Lymphosarcoma that the prognosis wasn't good, I wouldn't listen and he lived for over 4 years after the diagnosis. This, the specialist said was very good. I never had hope. I was training to be a minister and I didn't have hope. I have learnt only in the last few days, that my boy, my most precious Magion (named after one of the Magi) taught me hope. I find it so amazing. He taught me many, many other things as well, but this I have only just come to know.

Hope doesn't stop, it does just keep going.

Take care Joanne, of you and yours.

Talk soon.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thanks for writing Joanne.

I lost my mother when I was 15. I was young and death seems much easier to me when I was younger. I did loose my father. I was very close to him. I was 26. Then My first husgand died in an accident. I was 36. I did move on. I found the strength to pull myself up. I did remarrying. I lost my beloved Pu$$yWillow in 1999. She was my very first cat. I was out of my mind with grief. I didnt know how I would get through a minute at a time....But, I did have Rassy cat. At first he was cool and distant to me. But, he and I bonded. ... All of these deaths are intense. Never was I prepared to face death.

I don't know if I've ever found death easier, just more complicated as my relationships became closer. I know when my paternal grandmother passed away, I cried when Mum told me, and I still remember Mum standing at my bedroom door, I was 10, saying to me 'why are you crying?' It was the same when a neighbours mother passed away and I cried at the cemetry, I was only young again, and again it was the same reaction from Mum and Mrs. Cs daughter. I just said something to the effect that the person was gone and I wouldn't see them again. My mother's brother passed away when I was 2 and I remember him and used to wonder how I reacted to his passing, strangely I never I asked Mum how I reacted. My Dad and Mage have been the hardest. They were the 2 individuals I actually feared losing. I just thought the other day that Dad's passing left a huge hole which remained, and now Mage's passing has left a gaping wound.


There is a special place within all of us called the minds eye....Its amazing how much we can see through the minds eye. We can remember those special memories. We can play them over and over again. And they go on forever or as long as we choose. Its these memories, that I rely on....I cant let go either.

I know what you're saying. Sometimes I can see Mage, remember him. Other times, it's like he is here and I'm seeing him through my minds eye, but that it is not me imagining him, it's like he is there, and I just have to open the door and let him inside, or whatever he is doing. The other night it was like he was around - I wasn't sure at first but then it became clearer. Everything is so clear at those times, and when I looked at his photo it was like I didn't need to, he was right there sitting on the cushion on the couch! Amazing really.

I believe it. Signs I call them. They send them to us....and when we become more aware of things, we do pick up on them. We refine ourselves. We learn what to look for. I know that when I concentrate more on him then the hate I have for the vet, I feel as though I can see my guy through my minds eye. Hate and negative emotions lower our vibration. I am not sure of what grief doesn. We are negative humans...we just miss that special little someone who has decided it was his time to go. But I ask where do they go....What are they doing....And can the still see me. I hope that they wont ever foget me. I learned so much from reading the book aniamals and theafterlife. When I get really down, I find myself calling out his name loudly. I continue to repeat his name just to hear how it sounds. And I believe Mage was your new arrival who came yesterday to share love with you.

I don't know what I'm experiencing half the time Joanne. Since I went to that shop the other day I feel like something has been erased and Sunday morning I felt disconnected, similar yesterday and today, but then I realise I am not feeling at all, just numb, just doing - trying to organise this event at work. But then I go out Sunday night to follow our routine and see the star and just want Mage here and then Tueseay I again tried to follow our routine at night - which is the one I was not doing so much, and had tea outside and really he was there, I felt something as soon as I got home as I drove home in deep tears and full of all sorts of angst. Must be something in the vibration thing - for after holding that stone at the shop, the next day all the aches and pains I was having just went, but I felt disconnected, but then have had sensations, or experiences of Mage. It's weird. There have been other weird things as well.

my husband has already relocated. So I am here by myself. Its hard having to put our babies down with no one there to offer a hug etc. We are moving to Salt Lake city Ut.

Has your husband been gone for long? Will you be moving soon? Indeed, being on your own with so many difficult emotional things happening would be extreme. How will your babies cope with the move?

I spend alot of time just doing for my babies. I dont really mind. Sometimes, It can get stressfull though, when one baby just doesnt seem to be responding to different treatments...That is Mario. I have to keep track of who eats what. I have controlled feedings. That way, I sit with them when they eat. And when one is sick, I hug and rock them. All I can concentrate on is getting them better.

It's fortuate you can be home with them and provide for their needs. I hope Mario is starting to feel abit better. And Lily. It must be a hectic household with all these little and not so little ones.

I think the new arrival symbolism means we experience new things....even in our dreams.. Some have real specail meanings while others dont. I believe that our babies communicate with us through our dreams. We tend to forget what we dream. But there are those dreams that has such a dramatic effect on us, we do remember them. I remember a few dreams back to when I was a child. In my minds eye, I can see Rassy cat. He is looking at me. He is communicating with me through the eyes. I know its him because I can visualize him. But, in his new form, he probably doesnt look anything like I remember. I believe they have reached a higher density than where we are now. They dont communicate with us like they did before.....and to this is the new arrival.....

Sometimes I remember Mage coming to me in a dream, or a dream about him, other times I don't remember yet wake knowing he has been there because I don't have the angst. I find his presence comforting, always did, so if he comes in a dream or I experience his essence I feel like me, comforted, in the moment. The other night I had a dream about his doctor Paul, I was on the phone to him questioning why hadn't he said for Magion to come in for fluid when he rang with the blood test results. I was once again really angry with him. It was quite real.

You say they don't communicate like they did before, do you think they can communicate in all sorts of ways that are beyond our understanding, like through other creatures or something?

I have met a few people who have cats that are in their 20's. The ones I have met never vaccinated their animals or fed them those gimmick diets from the vet. I always thought I was doing the right thing. Had I done the real right thing, I would not have given him vaccinations, or vet food. I would have done things so differently like I am doing now. And again the self blame kicks in. I blame myself that I dont have him with me now.

I didn't know till I came here that vaccinations were a problem. I used to have Magion vaccinated every year till he had the Lymphosarcoma in 2004. He didn't have vaccinations after that even though Paul would have done so in 2006, yet I said no, as I was so super cautious about his kidneys. Magion also ate dry food, loved it, a good one (?) from the vet. I knew there could be problems with cheaper supermarket varities in contributing to crystals in the urine, especially for male felines, but I was told, bought into the hype then, that the products distributed through vets were of a much higher quality.

There might be new memories, but the ones I remember tend to hurt. How do we bond to the newness..

Exactly. I don't want the newness that Magion's passing brings. I want Magion. It's 14 weeks today. Why haven't I cried as much? Did that woman at the shop with the stone/cyrstal erase something? I cried lots Monday and Tuesday, not so much yesterday. But my head seems to be in a strange place.


You know as I type this, I was thinking about the newness of how our paths have crossed. I am also finding out, that sharing our pain helps to let it out and I realize we are not alone. Being alone is an illusion. Sharing is such an unselfish act...esp when we share our love with others.....we share our pain and we hope to find answers about how we are supposed to get through each day.

Exactly, to everything you say.

We hope to see our babies again. We hope they are always looking in on us. I think there are many things we hope for. I dont mean in terms of materialism. I hope Rassy will never stop communicating with me. I hope I will be able to see his signs. I think the word Hope has many meanings. But I take hope as a sign of loving...and looking and allowing one day for positive energy to enter....Again the new arrival......The positive energy is Rassy cat.....

Maybe it's the star on Sunday night that has brought some change in me, but then I felt weird Sunday morning before the star. I thought before that maybe I just need to be and not judge it. I just don't want to lose my connection with Mage, our connection. Maybe you're right, maybe it's positive energy, something I just don't recognise, nor want to, and for me this is Mage.


without them, what kind of a world would it be without furkids.

Indeed. A very sad place. We learn so much from their natural, uninhibited ways.


And you learned....They come here...They find us....They have missions. And when they complete their mission, they move on. They leave their physcial bodies here. But, I dont believe they take their love from us. I believe they teach us about opening ourselves and expanding our boundaries. ... What is the opposite of self blame.....hope to forgive myself and know that Rassy loved me unconditionally.....

Indeed. I used to think I knew one of the things Magion came to help me with, and that I wanted to overcome this while he was here. I kept trying. I am still trying with him in mind. Unconditional love is an incredible thing, it's all that trust, all that belonging, that willingness to be with us and do things for us. Something to sit with quietly. Humans don't allow or don't have the capacity to be in such a way. To be uncomplicated and just be in the moment. Only other humans who know this can learn to be in this way and communicate as they do. I know Magion used to try to teach me the finer points of being a feline. How to pounce, how to chase, how just to be, all those things. He who was a person. He didn't ever know he was a 'cat.' No one was permitted to call him that and he wouldn't respond to any sort of cat like calling. I would say he was a feline person, I was a human person, but both persons none the less. His old vet from years ago said that Magion didn't know he was a cat and thought he was a person, so he didn't need another animal around but rather other people for company.

Look after yourself Joanne. I hope your babies enjoyed their raw meat. Mage used to, he ended up on basically only raw meat. I did it in his food processor as his teeth were getting sore. Better go. It's 11 pm now.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

It's been such a tough week - hard to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Like traversing a quagmire. Wednesday was really hard and the depression has returned with a vengence. Then on Thursday I felt Magion again, it brought such peace and I felt so different the entire day.

Joanne, I might drop you a line personally if that's okay. There are all sorts of things to talk about.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

[LoveThem]

Hi, Wendi

Just thought I would drop in and let you know I have been thinking of you and Magion. I remember last year when I lost my Little Guy in September....right before all the year end Holidays. I had a terrible time getting through them with such an emptiness. This year was a bit easier but my favorite Holiday was always Christmas and I find this year, like last year, I do not want to do Christmas things. So I know what you are going through at this time and just wanted to stop by and give you a hug here...

You are never alone here as so many are feeling the same way. Remember everything you feel is normal. It is all a part of grieving. You have to do what makes you feel better to do. If you want to cry, do that. If you want to write a letter to Magion, do that. It is so very hard to accept they are physically gone but it is not that hard to believe they are really in our hearts 24/7 and from that place they can never leave.

My pictures of my Little Guy help me every day. My adopted boy who looks like him, helps too.
When I need the physical...I am glad I kept a bit of fur in a air tight bag, along with favorite toys.
That fur stays soft it seems like forever. It belonged to him and it is the only way I can touch him now. His twin brother, Keeper left in 2002 due to the sudden onset of lymphoma. Within one week it was discovered, tests run, and he had to leave peacefully...it was in his lungs and his breathing was getting bad. Then last year Little Guy had his breathing problem. Maybe twins are much alike that way...I don't know. I have Keeper's fur too.

Take it one day at a day......I wish you peace and healing.

Hugs to you and your Angel Magion.

Judy

[Magesmumma]

Oh Judy, it's been so long since I have come to this website I was finding it all just too hard. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me and Mage. Your words have brought those deep deep tears again. I feel so alone, so very alone. It is 5 months today, 22 weeks tomorrow - how can he be gone for 5 months?, it hurts sooo much. I just want him back. I miss him so. He was the one who got me up in the morning, the one who made me go outside with him morning and night and during the day. And Christmas, building up to it was agony - it was our time of year for many many years. And I realised as I reluctantly put the tree up but did it for him, that is was the first Christmas Eve I had ever had without any company. And the first New Year's Eve I hadn't had Mage beside me in so many years. Even if I did go out for New Year on the odd occasion, I wanted to be home before midnight. Such lonely times now. I have taken some leave from work just last week and it's all so peculiar. This was our time of year over the last few years when I took lots of time off to be at home together. It's stinking hot out and will be for the next few days, over 40 degrees celsius, and I just miss him more. I was always so aware of needing to leave the air conditioner on for him if I went out. Now all that needing to be aware of meeting his needs is all gone, no anxiety over him and yet I feel so depressed, so flat, unable to motivate, do much at all. I find it incomprehensible that he is gone. Thank you so much for thinking of me and my boy. Thank you.

I am going to dissolve now.

Wendi.