I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

I see your avatar and your boy is beautiful. I am so sorry about your loss. My 3 babies also came to me in 1991. they were born in my back yard....twin boys and a girl. I have pictures of them in Tributes Section.

In Sept of 07 I lost my last boy.....16 1/2 years old in the ER...he is my avatar. I understand completely your pain and it is so normal to feel devastated.

I just cried and cried for days and still the tears can flow anytime. It is a tremendous feeling of loss.

Magion looks like he is black and white..my 3 were all black kitties. What a wonderful life we had. I put pictures of mine in every room so when I enter or leave a room I can look into their eyes and there feels like a communication there.

My Little Guy (my avatar) is also my computer desktop wallpaper so when I turn on my computer he is looking at me and when I turn it off, I tell him goodnight, knowing I will see him the next time I turn it on..that is one place he will always be.

This is a good place to share your thoughts and feelings.

When you speak of your pain....it reminds me of my favorite saying a Mom here once said:
The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

I find strength in that simple sentence. I cherish the years I had and while I also miss my boys and girl tremendously, I would again make them a part of my home and heart...even knowing there will be a day they will be gone and from having had others previously..I know what that pain is like.

Hugs and peace and come here and talk as you feel like it.

Judy

Thank you so much for your kind words. I like the idea of having him as my desktop wallpaper, I did have a photo come up automatically at one stage but I changed computers I think. I can spend this much time on a computer now only because he is not here to stop me and it doesn't feel right.
He was and is the love of my life. We travelled interstate together, flying back from Queensland to Victoria every school holidays and travelling to South Australia by car; he'd even travelled by train! He was incredible - he'd love driving in the car, sitting on my lap and ask for the window to be down with his left hand and then put his head out the window just far enough to feel the wind blow his ears back. He would visit my Dad when he lived in residential care and was very popular. Very canine in many ways. Then in July 2004 he was diagnosed with Lymphosarcoma. After surgery within two days of diagnosis, he embarked on what was to be 6 months of chemotherapy. In his general laid back way he took it all in his stride and the nurses and specialists sung his praises - he really was amazing. But near the last round of chemo he was losing weight and this was attributed to the chemo, so it was stopped. However, he didn't put the weight back on and it was then discovered, after a few blood tests, that he had kidney disease. With great turmoil I put him on medication and he gained weight and stabilised. Every morning he enjoyed taking his tablet being the palatable version. So we went along for over 3 1/2 years.
He only went outside with me then, for going out was one of his joys and I couldn't stop him from doing that - so out we would go, morning and night for a walk and play and so forth. Even if I opened the door and nipped to another room to get something, he would come and find me, wowing at me, asking 'where have you gone?' He rarely went out without me.
He was losing weight gradually over the last 12 months but in every other way was fine. But in mid July he became unstable on his back legs. I hoped against all hope that he would get through this yet not knowing if he would. We were back with specialists and having extra fluid, and all sorts of things. Another blood test, which he had come to detest after all the chemo and associated blood tests, revealed he was anaemic. We thought there was some time before he needed a transfusion but his red blood cell count it seemed dropped quickly, which the specialist it would seem had not expected. The day before he went, we spent the day in hospital with him having IV fluid and some injections and came home to rest. We went to bed late and he woke me at 2:30 am. I noticed then that he seemed to be dazed; I thought he was having some sort of reaction to the medication and I tried to ring the specialist but couldn't get hold of him. Eventually I took him to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open. When the specialist arrived he said he needed blood. However, Magion started to have some sort of fit, the specialist saying that he was arresting. I held him close and kept talking to him. He came through this but after a few moments started to have seizures. The specialist thought that it would take too long to get the blood, that he would go before then. We went into another room as coming home was not an option as he needed oxygen and I couldn't take that from him. So I kept singing his songs, (songs I had come up with for him when he was on chemo to cheer him up). There he had more seizures in my arms and it was painful, sheer agony to not be able to do anything for him. I was told he wasn't in any pain and that the seizures were much like a person with epilepsy, hard to watch but the individual has no awareness or pain. I still begged them to help him, to do something to make him well and I cried to the Universe, to the greater Essence. The seizures stopped and he gave a little flicker of his paws as he did when he was sleeping and I felt a tingle run down his body and he took one last breath. I had said to him to find Poppa, my Dad (who passed away in 2002) and a few days after his passing I felt the Essences of my Dad and Magion together - as individuals but at the same time united. I miss my boy so much, yet I know in my heart he is with my Dad. It just doesn't ease the emptiness, the loneliness I feel without him.
You are right - I am indeed blessed for having known him, for him having chosen me, he gave me such joy. The pain now is a reflection of all these years we shared.

I've attached a photo of Mage taken around September last year as he was enjoying looking out the window in his room from his beanbag.
Wendi.

How beautiful what you have told us here. Death is just for the living, for those we mourn it doesn't happen, it's only a passing of one state to another, it's wonderful that you were able to feel, that they have loved you enough to communicate their essence to you. Know that at the worst of times you have to go through, they will be there for you, but only when you need them the most. Still a very hard journey ahead of you , I offer you my most sincere sympathies, so much love and so much time loving, it is very hard to let go of so much, no matter how much joy is reserved for later, for now, these are trying times for you.
I am so glad that you found comfort here, do take care, we care.

What a beautiful cat. I am so very sorry for your loss. You can be sure that Mage found your dad and that they are together just waiting for you to arrive. I lost my Furfee cat (17 years old) to old age last year and I lost my Woody dog (4 years old) to a car in September of this year. I can say that your pain will subside but it will never go away completely. I know that because I lost my Beau dog (14 years old) 10 years ago and I still have moments when tears come when I think of him. I believe that they take a piece of our hearts with them when they go and that is why we always remember them. All of our furry children are special and can never be replaced. But, having said that there is always another one that needs a home when you are ready. It took me two years to get another dog after I lost Beau. It only took one day to get another cat after we lost Furfee because we found a four week old kitten in the woods across the street from our house and he must have wandered away from his mother. He was screaming because he was very hungry so we took him in and he is still here. We had to hand feed him with kitten formula around the clock for a few weeks but we souldn't let him die in the woods. I like to think that Furfee sent him to us. We named him Karma for obvious reasons. I'm sorry to ramble on but I just wanted you to know that there is always another when you are ready. Post here often and the wonderful people here will give you comfort and they (we) really do care.

Best wishes,

Steve

Hi, Wendi, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Magion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the gift of their presence. It has been almost 2 years since my number one kitty son Eli died of end stage Lymphoma at 6 years and 7 months. He was my "challenge child" and my special needs child. He had severe personality disorder which required him to be on a low maintenance dose of Valium - - sort of like human Schizophrenia - - so that the "noises" in his brain would not overwhelm him and so that he did not look at me and his home as the "enemy." Once the Valium took effect he was able to lead a very normal kitty life, and his world greatly improved when I adopted a brother and sister kitty team when he was 3 years old. My Eli and Noah became the best of friends, and Eli seemed more content. He always loved his big doggie brother, Oslo (Black Lab) - - who actually alerted me to Eli being trapped in the drainage pipe at the end of our street. It took almost 2 hours to rescue Eli, and from that point forward, Eli considered his big doggie brother to be the "Cat's Meow." My Noah still misses his big kitty brother so very much, as do I and Oslo, but we know Eli is now healed and playing with the angels - - free of his previously deterioriating physical body - - and is patiently waiting for us to join him in eternal joy at our appropriate times. You mentioned that you were seeing several grief counselors, but my question is: Are they aware that the grief of a companion animal is the same as, if not worse than, the loss of a human family member or friend? And also, you shared your Magion with your dad, and now that Magion is with him, losing Magion may be resurrecting your grief feelings for your dad. Clinical studies have proven that the loss of a beloved companion who has been shared with a deceased human loved one will be compounded by the two losses. Grief counseling for the loss of a beloved companion is new to the counseling field, and not every counselor is trained in it - - nor does every counselor believe in it. I live in the United States and have always been fascinated by Australia and New Zealand - - financial constraints and other limitations do not permit me to personally travel there. I smile as I read your travels with your beloved Magion. What a wonderful life of adventure and love you shared!! This grief journey is a very difficult one with so many twists and turns and highs and lows and ups and downs - - and for the most part of the healing journey it seems like all the days are lows and downs. I am so glad you have found us here at Lightning Strike for each of us do understand the many different feelings you are having. When my Eli joined the angels I slept with his collar under my pillow and would hold one of his blankets close to me when the physical pain of not being able to hold him became too horrible to bear. And my Noah slept on Eli's big comforter where he could snuggle down into Eli's scent. It has just been over the last few months that Noah has been coming to me at night to snuggle with me - - he abandoned Eli's comforter - - so I knew it was okay to finally wash it and re-use it. You see, Wendi, this grief journey is both physical and emotional, so you need to find some way to lessen the physical pain of separation from your precious Magion. Clinical studies show that the first year post-loss is very difficult both physically and emotionally, and the "threat" of the surviving person also dying during that first year is significantly increased. This is particularly true of elderly people who have lost their spouses, and those who are the only humans in their household after the loss of a beloved companion. For the latter there is no age limit on this "threat", but clinical studies show that the older the person is the higher the first year "threat" is. So, you see, Wendi, what you are feeling is very normal in your grief. Knowing this, of course, does not lessen the pain that is in your heart and soul and body not having your precious Magion physically with you. But once this awful painful grief lessens hopefully you will be able to embrace Magion's sweet living Spirit that is still with you and always will be with you wherever you go, whatever you do, and even if you should come to embrace the love and life of another companion. Your life together with Magion has now just temporarily transformed to a different dimension through time and space - - and nothing and no one can ever take this away from you. Wendi, I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be of some comfort and encouragement to you. Just hang in here with us - - for each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us; you are among friends here. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Wendi, thank you for sharing your story with us in regards to your precious Magion. I love the picture that you posted. He was a very handsome cat, and he looks like a king perched on his thone. I am so sorry to hear that it was his time to leave this earth. Please be comforted just knowing, that you provided him with the best life possible. How lucky you both were to be able to travel together, and to share so many happy memories. The happy memories will pull you through the difficult times now. In time your tears will turn to smiles. You will look at his picture, and feel the incredible love and strength that he had. We all know the pain you are feeling all too well. But through sharing your story, I believe you will find both comfort and hope.

Thank you all for your words of support. Yes, you have all been there and do know the pain. Thank you LuvLabs - my boy was indeed handsome, a number of years ago I submitted photos of him to a TV advertising company for an upcoming catfood add. He was chosen and a woman came round and took more photos of him and said that she would return with a film crew. At that time Mage didn't like a lot of people around him and I said he'd be fine as long as there were only about 3. Five people turned up and wanted him to do things he hadn't done before, needless to say under the gate he went and over next door into the bushes, where he could be seen but not retrieved! When the add aired on TV I knew Mage would not have approved of how they represented felines, so I believed he had integrity! He did receive $200 for being chosen to appear in the add, if he had gone through with it he would have earnt another $200.
Sometimes I look at his photos and it's like I can touch him, feel him - it is amazing and so comforting. I love it when he comes to me in my dreams and we get to cuddle and play.

moon_beam - thank you - you have indeed been through tremendous loss yourself and your other children. It sounds like you all turn to each other for comfort and yet have your individual things to do. I sleep with some of Mage's toys to cuddle, it's nice. And I have a couple of photos by me too.



Regarding your questions, I was actually referred to a Grief and Bereavement association by the Animal Emergency centre when I started going into shock, a bit after Magion's passing. I didn't know this place existed as no-one had mentioned it to me after my Dad went and it existed then. This centre has counsellors available for anyone who has experienced a loss of any individual and my specific counsellor associates personally with my loss as she herself lost her boy - canine - earlier this year. I am fortunate to have her. I have also attended a grief and loss support group and am now going to another programme at the same centre, once again for people who have experienced any loss and my loss of Magion is upheld with that of others. The centre I go to also conducted a Memorial Service a week or so ago and I took a photo of Mage along to be placed on the altar. He was the only feline person there amongst many human persons and I was honoured that he held that place as he did indeed see himself as a person. He was respected by all present as people shared there own stories of loss of human friends and family members and we lit candles in their memory as their names were read out. I lit candles for my Mum, for Dad and for Magion. I am finding people who understand, as I know many do not.

In grieving for Mage, the human person I have wanted to go to is my Dad. He would have understood as he knew Mage well. Dad would have cried with me, held me, looked after me, made me a cuppa. Dad was with me when my other boy, Bakkus, who I met at the same time as Mage and the two of them came home to live with me, when he passed on. Dad and Mage came with me to the vet where Bakks was, and we all stayed together outside under a tree as Bakkus lay on my stomach and chest (as I was lying down), and I stroked and talked to him as he passed over. Dad stayed with me all day, he drove us back to his place as we were staying there for the weekend and we eventually buried Bakkus under a tree in the orchard where he liked to frolick. Dad knelt with me at the grave site and we both cried. Yes, Magion's passing has raised feelings over my Dad. My Dad passed away in 2002 and I was still feeling that gap in my life and depressed when Magion got sick in 2004. I was so afraid for Mage at the time and it was that I needed to be there for Mage that I was drawn out of what I was feeling over Dad still. I do miss my Dad incredibly.

I do believe that it is a transformation and I do feel Mage around at times and that is amazing. And I know I need to hold onto those times. It's all those little things associated with his presence that I miss. And I write to him everyday, tell him my thoughts and feelings and I try to maintain the routine he established for us and go outside in the morning and sit on the terrace and again at night. If I don't do those things it feels strange - too strange. Like now - it's 9:20 am and I should have had my shower and gone outside but instead I came to the computer - now if I did that with Mage here he would be telling me off by now - because it's time to go out!

Thank you Steve for your words and kindness. I have taken along time in the past to be ready to take on board the responsibility again of another being. Usually about 3 years and even though I was ready at around 3 years after Fee Fee disappeared it didn't come about due to cir%%stances for 5 years. I didn't get another after Bakkus passed on as I didn't want another but I did ask Mage's doctor whether he thought Mage needed a companion - I didn't want a feline but I thought maybe a rabbit - thinking Mage might eat the rabbit which wouldn't be good - but his doctor said no, that Mage thought he was a person and that he needed more people around. When Bakkus went I did let Mage see him, Mage was only 2 1/2 at the time, but he didn't understand and it wasn't until we got back to Melbourne that Mage started to look for Bakks and looked at me as if to say "What have you done with him?" Bakkus was the older dominate feline and Mage would follow innocently along. He would belt up Bakks and I remember on one occasion telling Bakkus - "you can hit back you know." And at that very moment Bakkus turned and gave Mage a swat. After Bakkus went I knew I had to be there for Mage and everything changed and Mage just took on the world.

Thank you toonie for your words. They are indeed very trying times.

I did a photography course in February this year and Magion was my model. I've attached one of the photos from one of our sessions.

Thank you everyone for your understanding and support.

Absolutely beautiful picture............it really took my breath away. So gorgeous. Yes, one feels one could reach in there and pick him up and hug him.

Beautiful boy! Beautiful Angel....never can leave your heart....

I am so sorry for your loss of Magion. So beautiful. Yes, the empitness is the hardest I think. I've surrounded myself with photos of my Arthur. It doesn't feel like he left. But when I see or should say don't see all his "stuff" lying around the house, that's when it really hurts. So I truely do understand. You were very lucky to have shared a long friendship together. Hugs.. Ann

Thank you Ann. I have left everything everywhere. There is no reason to pack anything up and I agree entirely with what you say - to not . I can't put his stuff away - his tower that goes to the ceiling is in the lounge with numerous houses and cushions around, he had his own room with towers and my old single bed and cushions and tents - there is a pic of him on his bean bag in his room up above. He had things everywhere. It's hard to see things without him though - I expect he will walk out from somewhere and jump up on the couch for a cuddle and snuggle. I was blessed that we were together so long, he taught me so much - we grew very close over those years, it is indeed so very strange now without his presence. I have never been so privileged before with a feline companion, and Magion brought out an entirely different part of me.

Thanks for the hug - I can use those.

Wendi.

Thank you Joanne. I too haven't washed the clothes I wore that day - I don't want to, his smell, his being, the last time we were together, all those things. The world is not the same without him, it's like the song says, 'why does the world go on turning etc, etc.' It is like the end of the world - and the sun shining makes no real sense. It's hard too as it is Spring and the sun is warm and Mage and I loved being in the warm together.

I was reading your thread last night as my boy had CRF - diagnosed February 2005. When he became really unwell mid July this year, I too was extremely angry with his doctor. A man we had known for many years, as he worked for Mage's original doctor in the same practice. Since then he had moved to another practice and when Mage became sick in July 2004, we went to him as he was local and Maurice was away. Paul found a lump and Mage had tests and ultrasounds the next day and was in surgery the day after. It was Lymphosarcoma and he then went on to have 5 months of chemotherapy. After his chemo - which was cut short because he was losing weight - put down to the chemo but found to be kidney problems and because of the very quick on set of the cancer - he had had an xray one month before by his usual doctor Maurice for potential arthritis and a thorough examination and nothing was picked up - I was angry then too - I ended up taking Mage to Paul every two weeks for a check up. I trusted Paul even though at times I felt he wasn't doing enough - but I didn't change doctors. When Mage became sick this year and by cir%%stance I ended up at another surgery where Mage was prescribed subq fluid, Larabolin, multi B vitamins and other things I became really angry with Paul for not offering these things sooner. He knew Mage was losing weight gradually and watched him do so for over 12 months. Every now and then I feel less angry until something stirs it up again. This new place we found - we had been there once before, but I remember thinking that I was glad we were going to this new place - it was a nicer environment and a really caring doctor, however, this doctor went behind my back to get Mage's records from Paul (not that I would have stopped this, but nice to be consulted) and when I queried this action with the nurse I was contacted by the doctor who told me he could no longer meet our needs if I was going to act this way with the staff. Basically he dumped us because I was upset by his actions. I thought an apology would have been more appropriate.
In the end through alot of different events we ended up back at the specialists - one of his original Oncologists and again I was pleased we were back with him as he offered all sorts of things. Yet in the end he too let us down. I have been so angry and guilt ridden over all manner of things not to mention the care I tried to get for him. So I have some appreciation of your angst.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Take care too.

Wendi.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.


I love the story of your first meeting (by the way, my Little Guy was born to a feral mom in my back yard in May of 1991...I have seen that year mentioned more than once in this forum).

What you said at the end above made me think of:

No..he has not unwrapped you.....he has simply wrapped himself around your heart..a place where there is no unwrapping.....ever. It is a "forever" place to be.

Hugs,
Judy

Wendi, I am so very sorry for your loss and that it took me so long to get here. I have read all you've shared and can feel your devastation, grief and loneliness. My deepest condolences. When I lost Cocoa kitty 12 years ago, I also went to counseling to help cope with the grief but they weren't really professionals and it didn't do much for me. I'm sure they tried their best, they care and their hearts are certainly in the right place. Sometimes people need to seek a one on one type of counseling which is what I do now regarding my current loss which happened 10/16/07.

Oh, I'm so much better now but at first I see so much of me in all you've shared. I sure do. Gosh knows it takes time as well as sharing with those who understand and can empathize. Just don't talk about it with my brother because he loves to do his philosophizing about the "Letting Go" stuff. I wanna smack him silly and it's on my "To Do" list. So many out there will sympathize for a short time then wonder why, after a week or two, that you're not feeling all better about having lost your fur kid. We've all experienced that, me thinks. People here at LS do understand, have been there or are there right now. And, it is by sharing and caring that gets us though this most gosh awful difficult time.

The photos you posted of your precious fur kid Mage are so wonderful. What a beautiful kitty! I hope you don't mind that I took each one to a program, did some enhancements and applied several different types of frames. I did "grab" exact fur colors from Mage's fur to enhance in and around his eyes in two of the photos. Here are the URL links for you to click and pull up each one to view if you wish. In this order: 1. I put your original photo which you posted 2. Then the resized, enhanced photo. 3. Then posted each with several different types of frames. I hope you like them and they bring you some small comfort. Please click on the following links ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...onYellowBed.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...YellowBed-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-6.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-2.jpg
Above image may be sharpened too much so I did it over again and here it is ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-5.jpg

Then ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...gPinkOrange.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...inkOrange-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-5.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-2.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-3.jpg

Then ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...nWhiteBeige.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...teBeige-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-2.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-3.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-5.jpg

I do hope you're getting the help you need to find ways to cope with your loss. I went through a bunch of that not washing his things or moving any of his things much the same as you. Still, I know my baby can see and hear me, that he's always near. I pray you come to feel that way too someday. It takes time. For many, it takes lots and lots of time. Allow yourself all the time you need. Okay? Do come back to share as often as you feel up to it. Please know that you and your fur kid Mage are in my thoughts and prayers.

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Wendi,
I read your posts about your dear cat Mage, You were so kind to respond to me about my dear Woody who I lost the end of September. Thank you for understanding. Your posts about Mage are really heartfelt. You did so much for your boy, he was so lucky you went through so much to help him through his illness, he was a dear cat, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing I hope it helps you. I want to share about our dear "kitty" who passed on 2 years ago this past May. We had to finally let her go, she had crf and we kept her going for a couple of years. First about age 13 she started with frequent UTI's and then her kidneys showed deteriorating at age 16. We tried different meds, it was so hard to get the pills in her. After a bad episode and some subq fluids we thought it wouldn't be long, but she hung in there ,our Vet showed us how to do the subq at home. (I have needle phobia) That took some getting used to. We had an IV bag hanging from our kitchen curtain rod for 1 and 1/2 years, at first we would put it away but when we got to daily treatments we just left it there. It was a conversation piece for visitors. There are lots of people out there that don't get that we are willing to do so much for our pet children. She was 18 when the time finally came to let her go. I heard her many nights after that, It was always a thump in the night, which was her typical jumping on and off the bed through the night. I hope you will hear your Mage, it is a bittersweet experience. After loosing my Woody and reading the posts on this site I find myself thinking about "kitty" more and more. I developed an allergy to cats, and suffered the last 10 years with her but she was worth it. I miss not having a cat. Thinking of you and sharing in your grief. Take good care
annf

Wow, what a beautiful cat, and such a beautiful, loving and adventurous relationship you had. I hope the beautiful memories will someday outweigh the sorrow for Mage's transition.

I share the transition date of August 28th of losing my special kitty angel, Ziggy, who was shot.

Wishing you much healing and love.

Jan.

Thank you Judy - 1991 must have been a popular year for meetings!

What you said about Magion wrapping himself around my heart resonates with me, indeed. Never to leave, always present. Thank you.

And thank you for your comment about his photo up above too. He was, and still is, my most beautiful boy.

Hug back,

Wendi.

Thank you Dottie for your kind words. I am seeing a one on one grief counsellor - through the organisation that animal emergency tried to get me to talk to the day Magion went. They are a grief and bereavement organisation funded by the State Government to provide support and counselling to any bereaved person and those who know someone who is grieving. I have been truly amazed how this organisation holds furred, haired and feathered friends as equals to human persons. They truly do honour them in the manner in which they should be.

Thank you for the thoughts you put into presenting Magion's photos in this way. It was very kind of you to take the time.

Thank you again for your well wishes.

Wendi.

Hi Joanne.

Strangely after posting my response to you last night I ended up having a dream about Mage's doctor (Paul). In the dream it was if he didn't know that Mage had gone (in reality I had rung his mobile that morning - 5:30 am and left a message as I was searching for someone to help as the specialist was not returning my calls and Mage wasn't well, so when Mage went I did ask animal emergency to call him. When I got home there were two messages on my answering machine from him - one responding to my original call and one expressing heartfelt sympathy. I had still been talking to him but hadn't expressed my anger and disappointment. He also sent a card expressing personal thoughts about Mage). However, in the dream it was like he didn't know and he was walking away from me to go and have a game of golf (??) and I called to him and said goodbye. He looked at me and knew from my expression that Magion had gone, he walked passed me and shock his head, saying 'it's too soon, it's too soon.' And I screamed back at him 'talk to me about it!' I then went to the car where Magion was in one of his houses (his Choozy) on the passenger seat - (and as I write this I remember that that is the spot he was in when we went in to animal emergency that morning and in the same house.) Then the other doctor appeared with Paul. That's when the dream ended.

It was a disgusting dream and the feeling behind Paul's words were like he didn't expect that he could go so soon after him telling us how high Mage's numbers were. (I didn't know the actual numbers - didn't want to - one of his Oncologists had convinced me that the numbers themselves don't mean anything, it is how the individual adjusts and adapts to the rising levels that is important and to guage how Mage is from how he is acting and behaving.)

I have questioned all my actions during that time and Paul did say to me once then, that desparate times call for desparate measures and that I would try things then that I would never have tried before. We had always taken a very cautious approach, wary of anything that could cause any interaction with the kidneys. I was just disappointed that Paul hadn't monitored his fluid. I had a friend that said Paul could go overseas on the money we spent there. I don't know. I ended up questioning the fluid in the end and thought I had given him too much - the bag would hang above the bed - it's still there, and each night he had some. He used to moochle the covered needle before I inserted it and would sit there ready and we would have cuddles and purrs as he had his fluid and he would say when he had enough. He was such a good boy.

I did seek out alternative stuff when he was diagnosed in 2005 - he was prescribed Chinese herbs but I didn't give them to him out of fear that they could make it worse and they came with a warning about vomiting and stomach upset. I became really cautious.

I wondered about vaccinations too - I've read the same thing. The vet who worked with alternative practices said not to vaccinate any creature that wasn't fit and healthy. Paul said during 2006 that he could have his vaccination as he was then stable and believed that the advice of the other vet was only in regard to the chemo and him being unwell then. However, me being supercautious (Paul having raised alot of this in me as he said there were so many things he couldn't have because of the kidney disease), Mage didn't ever have another vaccination. I wasn't prepared to take any chances. Yet, my family never vaccinated any of the cats they had and generally they were in poor condition.

You say you have seven babies now, I don't know how you do it. I suppose it's like any family - some people have large ones and then there are those of us who can only 'manage' one or two.
I know when Bakkus went - I met both Mage and Bakks at the same time - I had to be there for Mage as he was missing and looking for Bakks.

When you say



my thought was - Magion knew me, the real me. I could be totally myself with him and at times when I was acting silly and dancing around like a nutcase, with him in my arms, or just in front of him, he would just look at me as if to say, 'that's my Mumma.' Sometimes he would smile and enjoy, sometimes he would join in and 'wow' and other times just look a bit quizical. But I have never been able to be truly myself with any other individual like that. My own family of origin would be judgemental, critical, friends the same - if I was game to act that way. I suppose it is that acceptance - nutcase or otherwise - the acceptance of us, as you say, worts and all. And the learning for me, may well be to accept myself as he accepted me and to be myself, my geniune self, as I was with him.

Thank you Joanne for your thoughts and words.

Take care of yourself.

Wendi.

Thank you annf.

We had an IV bag hanging from our kitchen curtain rod for 1 and 1/2 years, at first we would put it away but when we got to daily treatments we just left it there.


Mage's specialist said that subq fluid can keep them going for weeks, months, years and I had heard of subq fluid being used for some time and in some ways didn't think any less for Mage and yet at the same time was afraid as his doctor had said he was 'trying hard.' I was annoyed he hadn't been on regular fluid for longer as this could have helped his appetite and so on.

It's just that when there are no more moments to be had (as we have had them) the moments we had are never enough. And that's when all the regrets and guilt become so apparent.

I do feel Mage around at times and the other day I heard someone at the front door - security door - and when I went to see there was no-one there. The sound was just as if Mage had scratched at the door to come in - although over the last years we only went outside together generally or if I nipped in then I would snib the door open so he could get in - but the feeling that it was him wanting to come in was that real that I just had to open the door and let him in. Amazing feeling!

I hope your Kitty still visits, especially now for you.

Take good care of you.

Wendi.

Thank you Jan. Mage was and is my most beautiful boy. Such an amazing person.

I am sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your Ziggy. How sickening that must have been for you.

It is indeed extremely difficult to integrate the loss and all the differences that brings into the present. I'm not coping with that very well at all.

Thank you again for your wishes.

Take care of you.

Wendi.

Hi, Wendi, just being able to get caught up on some posts. I am so glad you do indeed have counselors who can offer you the support and comfort and encouragement in your healing journey from the physical loss of your beloved Magion. When my Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma it was at his annual physical, and the vet absolutely refused to give him any vaccinations because of his depressed immune system. So, you did a good thing in not overloading his immune system, Wendi, with vaccinations. And you were also wise not give him the herbs because of their side effects and because of the potential negative side-effects they would caused with the chemo and other medications he was on. The chemo stays in the system for a very long time - - and caution is always required in administering other drugs, etc.. Part of the healing journey includes "looking back" and trying to "make sense" of things that we didn't have time to previously think about or thoroughly investigate. It is said dreams are the process of the mind to resolve what has happened in our lives. So, what you are experiencing in your healing journey is normal, Wendi - - admittedly it can be unsettling at times but it is still normal. Our beloved companions give to us their undivided attention and unconditional love which allows us to surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation and without any threat of rejection. Magion's sweet living Spirit continues to be with you and you can still dance for him, sing to him, talk to him, and travel about knowing that he is always with you in whatever you do and wherever you go. And we are here for you, too, Wendi, for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Wendi, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam. I thought of dreams in that way too, but then one has those dreams that don't seem to have any association with what is or has happened and one can wake up with a sigh of relief and say 'it was only a dream.' Then there are those that are different again - I bought a book about grief dreams and it speaks of 'visitation' dreams and various other types. Sometimes I've had dreams about Mage when I am crying deep deep tears and screaming deeply within those tears that Magion is gone - this happens if I haven't cried much that day - it then comes out in my subconscience at night. Then there are dreams that I don't remember but I know Mage has been in it because I don't feel totally anguished in the morning. And then there have been those dreams where Magion has been there and we've been able to play and Mage's rolled on the carpet and I've been able to pat him and be with him and the feeling is so real of being able to touch him and hold him and just be with him again. These then feel like 'visitation' dreams, where Mage comes to me and I wake in the morning feeling incredible. It's just that we had that everyday, now I can only experience him that way in my dreams and he doesn't come in that way that much - and I try to remember that I need to relish those times when he does come - in my dreams or I just feel him around, adjusting to the change just sux. I thought this morning that the dreams I don't remember that well of him are indeed probably those dreams of my own psyche trying to make sense of things and process everything that has happened.

Thank you Moon Beam for your words about Magion still being with me. I talk to him still but I find myself not talking as much as we used to - but if I make a conscious effort to tell him about my day and how I'm feeling, I do feel better and do feel that he hears me. I have just bought an electronic keyboard tonight - I was going to awhile ago anyway so something I was going to do when he was here, but I thought I would try to learn (I don't play) how to play the songs I used to sing to him - write down the notes etc, because I am not singing them as much, although I do at times, the spontaneity has diminished and so I don't forget the tunes I thought I would try to learn to play them. I'll see how it goes.

Thank you again.

Wendi.

Hi Joanne, I have felt like that with Mage, at one point the photos just weren't enough I just so wanted him physically here. I've seen Mage too in my minds eye, it is amazing, like they are really there, and yes, one does just want to desparately pick him up and have such a big cuddle. Rassy's gifts to you are incredible. I used to save Mage's whiskers for some reason, I just liked them and never liked throwing them out. I suppose like people keep hair from a childs first haircut and so on.

Our hearts are broken. We realize now just how capable we are to love. But, its hard starting over and trying to bond with another. Its just not the same. And of course, it isnt the same. And then I wonder if I have thrown road blocks up, so that I will never feel this kind of pain ever again.

When I lost Fee Fee back in 1996 I said never again. I said I would never get emotionally attached again. Five years later when I met Bakkus and Magion I said to anyone who would listen, I would not get emotionally involved again, I was going to keep these two at arms length, I would not get attached. When they moved in to the flat with me, it was only a few days, not long enough really to let them outside, but one of them was kicking up such a fuss in the spare room, climbing at the venetian blinds during the night, that I ended up saying, 'that's it, you're out of here.' I suspected it was Bakkus because he was the older of the two and I remember smearing his feet, all four I think, with margarine (old wives tale isn't it?) and let him out the front door. It was not a pleasurable thing to do, it was night and quite dark out and he ran over the road - he did not stop to lick the margarine off at all! - and ran down the foot path. I watched from the front door thinking I would never see him again (at the RSPCA he was the feline that wowed alot, and I thought he saw anyone who walked in as his ticket out of there. But I took him knowing that.) But I was amazed, he came back, that night, and he wasn't gone for long. I didn't know much, anything about kidney disease then and the vet we saw then was treating him with some drug for a long time, no blood tests, nothing. He died of kidney failure up at Dads one weekend, 17 months after we met. And when my Dad and I buried him and knelt at his grave, my feeling was like I had buried my child. It was awful.

Needless to say Magion, hooked me right from the start, but I still didn't want to get too emotionally involved. It really didn't take long. They weave their magic over us and we're gone, hook, line and sinker. The world ceased to exist the day my boy went. And I said to my therapist today that when I talk about this year, my mind stops at August - the month he went. I exist now, but my mind doesn't recognise time in that way.
Magion was it for me, he was the love of my life and there will be no other. He didn't like me even talking to another feline let alone attempting to touch one, which I couldn't anyway. I really did become a one feline person. My eyes and heart were only for him. I never felt inclined to touch another feline, I would say hello, but no desire at all to reach out to another in a friendly gesture, Magion wouldn't have liked it, and I didn't want to. I would say to him 'I am yours, totally yours' when he would stand between me and another feline and wrap his tail around my leg and claim me. I loved being his, and still want to be his.

We have indeed shared a similar journey with our felines. I had been reading your thread the other night, and needed to go to bed as it was quite late and I had only got to page 6. I quickly turned to page 28 to find out that Howard and Mew had also gone, as I was wondering how they were. I was sad to hear that they went and only since you've posted here have I learnt that they went in January. Such heartbreak in such a short time. I truly don't know how you are still standing.

It's 11 weeks today (Thursday) since my boy went and it feels like an eternity. I am not ready to let go either.

I will be thinking of you as you tend to the needs of your other babies in the midst of your continuing sorrow.

Thank you Joanne and take care.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

Just noticed it's nearly 7 am according to the time on the posting - it's nearly 11 pm here. It's been a long day.

Wendi.

Joanne, I said in my response to you above that Fee Fee went in 1996 - it was 1986 and I met Bakks and Mage in 1991.

Just had to nip back and correct that.

Take care.

Wendi.

Hi, Wendi, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I have read through the recent posts. You mentioned that you don't talk to Magion as frequently as you used to. That is because his sweet living Spirit is now in your heart and knows what you are thinking about. I know this must sound quite "transcendental" -- your relationship with your precious Magion has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension that transcends both time and space. He is always with you in everything you do and everywhere you go - - because he is a part of you which no one and nothing can ever take away from you. Not vocally talking to Magion will never diminish him from your heart or your life, Wendi. But talking to him, as each of us talk to our beloved companions, is both comforting and helps to bridge the temporary physical separation. Wendi, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Magion. And best wishes on your music endeavors. My mom was a wonderful musician - - not professional, unfortunately for her, but I loved so much to hear her play the piano and to hear her sing. I know Magion is smiling - - and may even help you sort out the notes to the tunes you shared together. Wendi, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Joanne and thank you for sharing more of your story of Rassy, Howard, Mew and your other babies. I hope they are coping okay with all the different things that are happening for them. When I read about you Pu$$yWillow I am so reminded of the plant which brings back memories of Mage - as years ago he actually used to like eating the furry grey 'flowers.' I had to move it away from him! So I imagine your baby to have been grey and fluffy.

It is indeed heartwrenching. The tears are but a breath away and I break down at any time when I talk about my boy - I miss him, I miss his personality, his mannerisms, everything about him. And I have kept his hair too. He had a cat spa and I would brush him as he would moochle on the spa and I just kept his hair. Recently though I had cleaned his spa and now feel bad that I did that, because I can never have him back on it again the way it was, as it hadn't been cleaned for awhile. The hair is there from his last few brushes, but not alot, but it does smell of him, so beautiful. I also washed his doona cover on his bed recently and his bed cover in one of his houses so they were clean for him, now his mark on the bed and in the house is not there and I regret doing those things. He had other posies around the house and his smell is on them, but I would have liked to have had that hair outline of him on his single bed still. I try not to smell his things too often as I don't want to taint them with me.

It is so hard coming to terms with everything - the 'whys' the 'hows', the 'what ifs.' I miss him so, as you do your boy Rassy as well as Howard and Mew.

I just want Mage back and still can't believe he is gone. He can't be. It wasn't supposed to be like that, we only went to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open (which was over the road) so we could see the specialist. He wasn't supposed to do that. He wasn't supposed to leave. And although the vet at animal emergency said when the specialist faxed through his history that his red blood cell count was down to 13% and said she didn't think he had long I sort of heard it in my head but my heart was shattering. I had to be there for my boy but I desparately wanted them to do something, they had to do something to save my boy. And as I write this the tears and the deep crying are here again. I just so want him back. The specialist didn't tell me the night before after we left after a day of IV fluid that his count was down to 13%. I have been so angry that he didn't say something then, for what Mage needed was a blood transfusion and time was wasted because I didn't know. I rang the specialist paging service about 5 times that night before we went to animal emergency and he wasn't responding. I rang animal emergency, I rang another specialist to see if he had our specialists phone number, I even rang Paul - who I have been so angry with - at 5:30 am because I knew he got up at 6ish for a jog. He didn't answer either (he left messages after we had left.) Animal emergency said a blood transfusion would give us about 2 days and I thought if that was the case then maybe we should just say enough is enough as Mage had had enough of doctors and being poked and proded. But when the specialist did come over he offered hope and said the blood transfusion would give us 2 weeks and then we would need another donor feline. But as we were trying to arrange the blood Mage started having seizures. The specialist didn't think we could get the blood in time. He assured me Mage wasn't in any pain or suffering. He said he thought his awareness was drawn in to being focussed on only his very, very immediate surroundings - basically aware of my presence but that was probably all. It was heartwrenching. I didn't want him to suffer, to go into the next life with all our 17 years of beautiful memories erased by what he was experiencing then. He didn't need the valium I consented to as his seizures stopped and he became very peaceful. But I have questioned all sorts of things. As well as not insisting on getting the blood, because Mage was incredible and I didn't even say to him to hold on for the blood.

I just want him back.

I feel you understand Joanne, as many do here. Thank you.

Thinking of you as you continue in your grief and look after your current babies.

Wendi.

Thank you moon_beam. I do believe that it is a transformation, that he has been transformed and that our relationship is now different but exists nonetheless. I just miss him being around so much.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Wendi.

Thank you Joanne. I've only just come to reply now to your message, but while I was at work on Friday, I was feeling low so checked in to the website and saw your response. Tears came as I read what you had written about Mage and the blood and how long could he have kept holding on. I know, and again the tears start, I know. And the vet at animal emergency said the blood would only give him two days, and I said to Mage then, as he was lying on me as I was slumped in the chair, that maybe enough is enough. I knew he didn't like things being jabbed into him, but I really just wanted to scream, I really just wanted them to make him well. He had had the IV fluid the day before and his arm was still bandaged and when they said the blood would give him two days, and I said to Mage, well maybe enough is enough I started to unwrap the bandage so he could be comfortable. Joanne, I didn't want to let him go, I didn't want to let him go. And those deep deep tears have again stirred in me as I write..... How could I let my boy go, how? I love him so much.

My heart just keeps breaking and breaking. He was and is the love of my life. He trusted me and I couldn't save him.

The specialist gave hope when he said the blood would give us two weeks. I have wondered whether I had said to Magion too soon about being enough - did I put the thought into his mind about going? I shouldn't have listened to the vet at emergency saying he was going. How could I accept that he would leave me that day? We only went there to wait for the specialist centre to open, as I said to you the other day, for the specialist had left his arm bandaged and he was going to ring that morning to see if we would do IV fluid again that day. Mage wasn't supposed to leave me, I was never going to be ready for him to leave me.

He was put on oxygen when we got to emergency and I was holding the tube to his face as he was lying on me. When Mage started having seizures and the specialist said that the blood wouldn't be able to get there in time I said we should be at home. But Mage needed oxygen and I wouldn't take him away from what he needed and it is illegal to take the oxygen home with us. So we had to stay there. We went to a back room with a couch and dim lighting and the specialist helped me get Mage comfortable in my lap and there we stayed. Sharing more moments together, but me still demanding the emergency vet to do something to make him well.

How could I let my boy go Joanne, how?

It's 12 1/2 weeks and I just want to hold him.

I just remembered - I vacuumed on the weekend, first time in ages - second time since he's been gone, just couldn't do it, I felt like I was vacuuming the last bits of him up. But I had to do it on the weekend, the carpet was getting grotty. Anyway, I didn't find whiskers as Rassy leaves you, but I found claws! Bits of claw - one in Mage's and my room and one in his room. And Mage's and my room, in the part that I found the claw, had been vacuumed before. I have put them both in a keepsake box I bought when I went down to the beach not long after he went. So precious, so precious to find a claw.

I hope your current babies are doing well.

It seems that no matter whether the ones we love are assisted to pass over to the next world as you needed to do with Rassy, Howard and Mew or whether they go of their own accord as Magion, we are left with the feelings of helplessness - of not being able to save them, do more for them. And we trust others educated in the field to know best, to know what is right for them and even they don't know enough because they have to have such varied knowledge in so many different areas for many different species. How can the doctors know what we expect them to know when they also need to know so many other things for other individuals? I just remembered that in my case Paul had said years ago that his area of expertise was with birds. He was good however in picking up changes that could be felt. He was too cautious when it came to Mage's kidney problems - raising all manner of fears in me when he said that Mage could no longer have a lot of medications. Mage and I only went outside together for the last 4 and a bit years and I do recall as I write that even though we were out together he still got into fights, one right in front of me that I had trouble breaking up and in which he lost his right canine tooth! My angst with Paul is that he should have had Mage on extra fluid, when he hadn't even suggested it and helped with his eating/supplements.

As you know I have been angry with the doctors, even the specialist. But even more angry with myself.

I think I need a cup of tea Joanne. I do hope things are going well with you personally and your babies. Having had to experience the final moments with Rassy, Howard and Mew on your own without your husband would have been heartwrenching. My neighbour came to me after Mage went. We weren't very close but she was amazing during that time. If it had to be, I'm glad Mage and I were together, just the two of us, that's how it was in life for many years, that's how it should have been then.

Do take care, and thank you for listening.

Wendi.

Thanks Joanne.

Just a quick note to say I've been feeling so very flat, more so than usual. The weather is getting warmer and Mage and I loved the warm weather. It was the time over the last few years that I took quite a bit of time off work so we could just be together and enjoy the warm. Last summer he would stay out till 11-12 at night, just lying on the tiles and we would lie together on the lounge outside and look up at the stars. Over all our years together we always enjoyed summer - one of the reasons why I went to Queensland, for the warm weather. I had always planned to go back but somehow, for some reason it never happened. I became very unsure of how well he could travel after the kidney problems were diagnosed, needing to drink more and him not wanting to drink in the car - although he had no objection to travelling. Not achieving the things I wanted to for him is such a bitter pill. I miss him so much.

I hope your Lily is starting to feel abit better. Have you tried Bach flowers or other flower remedies? Supposed to be good for stress. There is a Bach flower remedy for endurance under pressure - I wanted one vet we saw (another one, I tended to get third and fourth opinions on most things - that's what erks me too as none of them said Mage should be in hospital) to prescribe that for Mage because he was going through so much, but the vet said that when he saw Mage that he wasn't at all stressed. That was Mage - laid back most of the time.

I hope you too are feeling reasonable. Take care. You've been through so much and still continue to care for your others. Be gentle.

Wendi.

Wendi...so sorry to hear of your Magion passing. He is somewhere up there with your Dad keeping him company. Our dog passed away too, 2 years before my Dad passed away too. And we are thinking that our Princess is keeping him company in heaven. Many hugs to you. Be strong and take care.

Thankyou Joanne.

I do look at the stars in the same spot where Mage and I used to look up and one does seem to be shining that bit brighter. I haven't felt Mage for awhile and I want to, although he has come to me in dreams every now and then. The dreams are lovely as I am able to touch him - I just don't know why I don't pick him up and smother him in kisses which is what I would do if he was here now. Usually we are outside doing something.

I know that when i said good bye to Rassy, I begged him to come back and not leave me alone. I am always looking online at tuxedos...One day a thought came to me, the words: dont look for me, I will find you...

I hope Rassy does find you. That his Spirit soars around you.


I had a bad day yesterday but after a while I went out to the shops and ended up at this alternative sort of place I have been to in the past. I was drawn to some words on 'hope' they had in the window. When I went to buy some things I mentioned that I had experienced a recent bereavement at which the lady came from behind the counter and asked if she could give me a hug. I said I would cry, which I did when she hugged me. She then said she wanted to sit me down in the cushions at the back of the store and have me hold something. She got a purple coloured stone out and took me by the hand, me with tears streaming down my cheeks and led me to these cushions on the floor. There she sat me and put this stone in the palm of my hand and said when I was ready to hold it to my heart. During the time I held it, I thought of you and another person on this site, thinking wouldn't it be nice to be able to send healing stones to people. The lady also during this time brought another stone and put it along side the other. It was quite calming sitting there.

So I send you calming thoughts Joanne in the midst of all your action.

I'm glad you've found some reassuring doctors now for your family.

Peace to you.

Will talk soon.

Wendi.

PS. I just really miss Magion, all the time, and particularly when I am on the computer at this time of night. Not something he would tolerate but then he would have been outside and I would have been popping up every now and then to check he hadn't gone off somewhere. Then if he wasn't where I could see him I would be off finding him, and he would probably be just around the front sitting on the driveway or on the edge of the lawn, perusing his territory and when he saw me, would say wow and get up and come to me. He was such an amazing individual - he taught me so much. And kept me up and about - I'm not up and about at all now he is not here. And truly, I cannot believe he is gone, could not believe he could go. I miss him so.

Take care.

Thank you LeoC.

I do believe my Dad and Magion are together. That Dad is looking after Mage now. I'm sorry to learn of the passing of your Princess and your Dad. Indeed they are together. Thank you for the hugs, I need those. Being strong is not something I am really able to do - not consciously anyway - I just keep crumbling in a heap most of the time.

Thank you again.

Wendi.

I was just feeling angry with Magion for leaving me as I logged off a few moments ago, for if I was on the computer Mage would either be up on the desk all over it as in my avatar, or asking to go out, or on the couch behind me, snoozing or just being together. So as I left the study I was annoyed he wasn't around - it's not right. In went into the lounge, still saying that he could not leave me and annoyed/angry that he did. Then I recalled as I was moping around the house that I wasn't keeping up our routine and going outside at night - as we did together - so I intentionally went out. It was about 9:20 pm (DST) and I went over to where we would go. I looked up to the sky to see only clouds, not a star. So I squatted down as I did with him and I called his name, and called his name. And I opened my arms out wide like I did for him if he was over somewhere, and he would come running. And again I called him - half expecting him to come running from somewhere to me and I calmed myself and opened myself - and for some reason I looked up and there in the clouds was that one star that has been shining just that bit brighter and it grew brighter and brighter and I said, you came, you came. And I just wanted to come in and tell anyone who wants to listen - and to let Joanne know as I had only just said about the star in the last post. I just wrapped my arms around myself as if I suppose I was giving him a huge hug and I spoke to him. The star faded and the clouds came over again, but a few moments later it came out again. It was like he did respond to me calling, it's just that I wanted him here with me, rather than in the ether. But I know somewhere he has other things to do now, others to guide, but it was like he is still guiding me, it is just that I want him here. I'm going outside again now. I just wanted to tell you all.

Wendi.

I just hope that throughout infinity we hook back up with our babies.

Oh, I so hope so. It would be such bliss. I can not, will not allow myself to think that that is it. I don't want to feel better, I don't want to feel anything if it means I don't have my boy. People say I have to try to feel better, but why would I want to when the love of my life is not here with me? I think it's strange people expect that. But then, losing Mage is the most profound loss of my life, we were so close. Both my parents are gone and although both devastating in their own way, and especially my Dad, losing Mage has been, is the most intense loss.

I would think to myself, remember this, remember how he feels how he smells etc. And you know, its hard to remember those phsysical characteristics......what our senses preceive. But, well beyond our five senses, love can be experienced.

I would say exactly the same thing Joanne. When Mage and I would snuggle on the couch I would say that I wanted to absorb those moments into the essence of my being, to remember, and in the midst of those moments I didn't want them to end, just go on forever. He was such my joy.

If I concentrate on him.....rather than the saddness, I believe, I increase my vibrations and that helps me communicate with him.

I have started to think this too. That the reason why I hadn't experienced him lately was because I have been feeling so incredibly flat. And yet last night when I did follow our routine and go outside, there was that star. There must be something in all that.

And I dont think I can handle eight cats right now with this house for sell and the realtors flipping me negative comments about how I need to get rid of my cats.

Are you moving? It would be so hard caring for all your family and moving, and you're probably right in not being able to handle another one at this moment. But as you say - what is meant to be will be. I am so glad Lily is starting to feel better. I hope she continues to enjoy all your hugs and kisses together.

Perhaps the new arrival is the thought of letting go of the terrible self blame and pain. I dont want to ever stop thinking of my wonderful boy.

It's interesting you mention new arrivals as I have been having dreams every now and then of babies. I do not have children and have no desire to do so, but the new arrival symbolism is what I see in them, yet in the midst of my despair I don't understand. To me, life will never be the same and it is agony without my boy. So anything to do with newness is unpleasant to me. So maybe you're right, the new arrival is to do with letting go, which takes me back to this place and my job and all the things that keep turing in my mind. I shall reflect more.

I am thinking of you Joanne. In all your being with and caring for your family. And thank you for thinking of me too. I like how you say ...You know, there is something to be said about holding onself......extending love to the self.....our boys are guiding us on a journey of love.....we are loving them and they are loving us back. ... they teach us so much don't they. I have only just realised since I bought the painting with the words on hope from the shop the other day, that Magion actually taught me to hope. I would have described myself as a basically hope less person, one without hope. When I was studying theology and doing a parish placement I was constantly told by members of the congregation after the service that there was no hope in my sermon. And my supervisor would say that it was okay to go through the doom and gloom stuff but that people needed some hope at the end. That was 13 years ago. Magion was only 5 years old at the time. And as I was questioning myself lately as to why I hadn't stopped work sooner; why I hadn't been around more; why I kept saying to him that I would not give up on him when he had that look in his eyes, and as these questions were whirling in me, I saw these words in the window of the shop:
Hope is the thing
with feathers
that perches in the soul
and sings the tune
without the words
and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson.

When I read these words I realised that my driving force with Magion had always been hope. I had always hoped in him being well, always, even when they said with his Lymphosarcoma that the prognosis wasn't good, I wouldn't listen and he lived for over 4 years after the diagnosis. This, the specialist said was very good. I never had hope. I was training to be a minister and I didn't have hope. I have learnt only in the last few days, that my boy, my most precious Magion (named after one of the Magi) taught me hope. I find it so amazing. He taught me many, many other things as well, but this I have only just come to know.

Hope doesn't stop, it does just keep going.

Take care Joanne, of you and yours.

Talk soon.

Wendi.

Thanks for writing Joanne.

I lost my mother when I was 15. I was young and death seems much easier to me when I was younger. I did loose my father. I was very close to him. I was 26. Then My first husgand died in an accident. I was 36. I did move on. I found the strength to pull myself up. I did remarrying. I lost my beloved Pu$$yWillow in 1999. She was my very first cat. I was out of my mind with grief. I didnt know how I would get through a minute at a time....But, I did have Rassy cat. At first he was cool and distant to me. But, he and I bonded. ... All of these deaths are intense. Never was I prepared to face death.

I don't know if I've ever found death easier, just more complicated as my relationships became closer. I know when my paternal grandmother passed away, I cried when Mum told me, and I still remember Mum standing at my bedroom door, I was 10, saying to me 'why are you crying?' It was the same when a neighbours mother passed away and I cried at the cemetry, I was only young again, and again it was the same reaction from Mum and Mrs. Cs daughter. I just said something to the effect that the person was gone and I wouldn't see them again. My mother's brother passed away when I was 2 and I remember him and used to wonder how I reacted to his passing, strangely I never I asked Mum how I reacted. My Dad and Mage have been the hardest. They were the 2 individuals I actually feared losing. I just thought the other day that Dad's passing left a huge hole which remained, and now Mage's passing has left a gaping wound.


There is a special place within all of us called the minds eye....Its amazing how much we can see through the minds eye. We can remember those special memories. We can play them over and over again. And they go on forever or as long as we choose. Its these memories, that I rely on....I cant let go either.

I know what you're saying. Sometimes I can see Mage, remember him. Other times, it's like he is here and I'm seeing him through my minds eye, but that it is not me imagining him, it's like he is there, and I just have to open the door and let him inside, or whatever he is doing. The other night it was like he was around - I wasn't sure at first but then it became clearer. Everything is so clear at those times, and when I looked at his photo it was like I didn't need to, he was right there sitting on the cushion on the couch! Amazing really.

I believe it. Signs I call them. They send them to us....and when we become more aware of things, we do pick up on them. We refine ourselves. We learn what to look for. I know that when I concentrate more on him then the hate I have for the vet, I feel as though I can see my guy through my minds eye. Hate and negative emotions lower our vibration. I am not sure of what grief doesn. We are negative humans...we just miss that special little someone who has decided it was his time to go. But I ask where do they go....What are they doing....And can the still see me. I hope that they wont ever foget me. I learned so much from reading the book aniamals and theafterlife. When I get really down, I find myself calling out his name loudly. I continue to repeat his name just to hear how it sounds. And I believe Mage was your new arrival who came yesterday to share love with you.

I don't know what I'm experiencing half the time Joanne. Since I went to that shop the other day I feel like something has been erased and Sunday morning I felt disconnected, similar yesterday and today, but then I realise I am not feeling at all, just numb, just doing - trying to organise this event at work. But then I go out Sunday night to follow our routine and see the star and just want Mage here and then Tueseay I again tried to follow our routine at night - which is the one I was not doing so much, and had tea outside and really he was there, I felt something as soon as I got home as I drove home in deep tears and full of all sorts of angst. Must be something in the vibration thing - for after holding that stone at the shop, the next day all the aches and pains I was having just went, but I felt disconnected, but then have had sensations, or experiences of Mage. It's weird. There have been other weird things as well.

my husband has already relocated. So I am here by myself. Its hard having to put our babies down with no one there to offer a hug etc. We are moving to Salt Lake city Ut.

Has your husband been gone for long? Will you be moving soon? Indeed, being on your own with so many difficult emotional things happening would be extreme. How will your babies cope with the move?

I spend alot of time just doing for my babies. I dont really mind. Sometimes, It can get stressfull though, when one baby just doesnt seem to be responding to different treatments...That is Mario. I have to keep track of who eats what. I have controlled feedings. That way, I sit with them when they eat. And when one is sick, I hug and rock them. All I can concentrate on is getting them better.

It's fortuate you can be home with them and provide for their needs. I hope Mario is starting to feel abit better. And Lily. It must be a hectic household with all these little and not so little ones.

I think the new arrival symbolism means we experience new things....even in our dreams.. Some have real specail meanings while others dont. I believe that our babies communicate with us through our dreams. We tend to forget what we dream. But there are those dreams that has such a dramatic effect on us, we do remember them. I remember a few dreams back to when I was a child. In my minds eye, I can see Rassy cat. He is looking at me. He is communicating with me through the eyes. I know its him because I can visualize him. But, in his new form, he probably doesnt look anything like I remember. I believe they have reached a higher density than where we are now. They dont communicate with us like they did before.....and to this is the new arrival.....

Sometimes I remember Mage coming to me in a dream, or a dream about him, other times I don't remember yet wake knowing he has been there because I don't have the angst. I find his presence comforting, always did, so if he comes in a dream or I experience his essence I feel like me, comforted, in the moment. The other night I had a dream about his doctor Paul, I was on the phone to him questioning why hadn't he said for Magion to come in for fluid when he rang with the blood test results. I was once again really angry with him. It was quite real.

You say they don't communicate like they did before, do you think they can communicate in all sorts of ways that are beyond our understanding, like through other creatures or something?

I have met a few people who have cats that are in their 20's. The ones I have met never vaccinated their animals or fed them those gimmick diets from the vet. I always thought I was doing the right thing. Had I done the real right thing, I would not have given him vaccinations, or vet food. I would have done things so differently like I am doing now. And again the self blame kicks in. I blame myself that I dont have him with me now.

I didn't know till I came here that vaccinations were a problem. I used to have Magion vaccinated every year till he had the Lymphosarcoma in 2004. He didn't have vaccinations after that even though Paul would have done so in 2006, yet I said no, as I was so super cautious about his kidneys. Magion also ate dry food, loved it, a good one (?) from the vet. I knew there could be problems with cheaper supermarket varities in contributing to crystals in the urine, especially for male felines, but I was told, bought into the hype then, that the products distributed through vets were of a much higher quality.

There might be new memories, but the ones I remember tend to hurt. How do we bond to the newness..

Exactly. I don't want the newness that Magion's passing brings. I want Magion. It's 14 weeks today. Why haven't I cried as much? Did that woman at the shop with the stone/cyrstal erase something? I cried lots Monday and Tuesday, not so much yesterday. But my head seems to be in a strange place.


You know as I type this, I was thinking about the newness of how our paths have crossed. I am also finding out, that sharing our pain helps to let it out and I realize we are not alone. Being alone is an illusion. Sharing is such an unselfish act...esp when we share our love with others.....we share our pain and we hope to find answers about how we are supposed to get through each day.

Exactly, to everything you say.

We hope to see our babies again. We hope they are always looking in on us. I think there are many things we hope for. I dont mean in terms of materialism. I hope Rassy will never stop communicating with me. I hope I will be able to see his signs. I think the word Hope has many meanings. But I take hope as a sign of loving...and looking and allowing one day for positive energy to enter....Again the new arrival......The positive energy is Rassy cat.....

Maybe it's the star on Sunday night that has brought some change in me, but then I felt weird Sunday morning before the star. I thought before that maybe I just need to be and not judge it. I just don't want to lose my connection with Mage, our connection. Maybe you're right, maybe it's positive energy, something I just don't recognise, nor want to, and for me this is Mage.


without them, what kind of a world would it be without furkids.

Indeed. A very sad place. We learn so much from their natural, uninhibited ways.


And you learned....They come here...They find us....They have missions. And when they complete their mission, they move on. They leave their physcial bodies here. But, I dont believe they take their love from us. I believe they teach us about opening ourselves and expanding our boundaries. ... What is the opposite of self blame.....hope to forgive myself and know that Rassy loved me unconditionally.....

Indeed. I used to think I knew one of the things Magion came to help me with, and that I wanted to overcome this while he was here. I kept trying. I am still trying with him in mind. Unconditional love is an incredible thing, it's all that trust, all that belonging, that willingness to be with us and do things for us. Something to sit with quietly. Humans don't allow or don't have the capacity to be in such a way. To be uncomplicated and just be in the moment. Only other humans who know this can learn to be in this way and communicate as they do. I know Magion used to try to teach me the finer points of being a feline. How to pounce, how to chase, how just to be, all those things. He who was a person. He didn't ever know he was a 'cat.' No one was permitted to call him that and he wouldn't respond to any sort of cat like calling. I would say he was a feline person, I was a human person, but both persons none the less. His old vet from years ago said that Magion didn't know he was a cat and thought he was a person, so he didn't need another animal around but rather other people for company.

Look after yourself Joanne. I hope your babies enjoyed their raw meat. Mage used to, he ended up on basically only raw meat. I did it in his food processor as his teeth were getting sore. Better go. It's 11 pm now.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

It's been such a tough week - hard to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Like traversing a quagmire. Wednesday was really hard and the depression has returned with a vengence. Then on Thursday I felt Magion again, it brought such peace and I felt so different the entire day.

Joanne, I might drop you a line personally if that's okay. There are all sorts of things to talk about.

Thinking of you.

Wendi.

Hi, Wendi

Just thought I would drop in and let you know I have been thinking of you and Magion. I remember last year when I lost my Little Guy in September....right before all the year end Holidays. I had a terrible time getting through them with such an emptiness. This year was a bit easier but my favorite Holiday was always Christmas and I find this year, like last year, I do not want to do Christmas things. So I know what you are going through at this time and just wanted to stop by and give you a hug here...

You are never alone here as so many are feeling the same way. Remember everything you feel is normal. It is all a part of grieving. You have to do what makes you feel better to do. If you want to cry, do that. If you want to write a letter to Magion, do that. It is so very hard to accept they are physically gone but it is not that hard to believe they are really in our hearts 24/7 and from that place they can never leave.

My pictures of my Little Guy help me every day. My adopted boy who looks like him, helps too.
When I need the physical...I am glad I kept a bit of fur in a air tight bag, along with favorite toys.
That fur stays soft it seems like forever. It belonged to him and it is the only way I can touch him now. His twin brother, Keeper left in 2002 due to the sudden onset of lymphoma. Within one week it was discovered, tests run, and he had to leave peacefully...it was in his lungs and his breathing was getting bad. Then last year Little Guy had his breathing problem. Maybe twins are much alike that way...I don't know. I have Keeper's fur too.

Take it one day at a day......I wish you peace and healing.

Hugs to you and your Angel Magion.

Judy

Oh Judy, it's been so long since I have come to this website I was finding it all just too hard. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me and Mage. Your words have brought those deep deep tears again. I feel so alone, so very alone. It is 5 months today, 22 weeks tomorrow - how can he be gone for 5 months?, it hurts sooo much. I just want him back. I miss him so. He was the one who got me up in the morning, the one who made me go outside with him morning and night and during the day. And Christmas, building up to it was agony - it was our time of year for many many years. And I realised as I reluctantly put the tree up but did it for him, that is was the first Christmas Eve I had ever had without any company. And the first New Year's Eve I hadn't had Mage beside me in so many years. Even if I did go out for New Year on the odd occasion, I wanted to be home before midnight. Such lonely times now. I have taken some leave from work just last week and it's all so peculiar. This was our time of year over the last few years when I took lots of time off to be at home together. It's stinking hot out and will be for the next few days, over 40 degrees celsius, and I just miss him more. I was always so aware of needing to leave the air conditioner on for him if I went out. Now all that needing to be aware of meeting his needs is all gone, no anxiety over him and yet I feel so depressed, so flat, unable to motivate, do much at all. I find it incomprehensible that he is gone. Thank you so much for thinking of me and my boy. Thank you.

I am going to dissolve now.

Wendi.

Dear Wendi,

I just lost my entire reply to you - ugh! stupid computers! And now I have that much less time to reply so will have to shorten my rewrite somewhat.

Firstly, I'm so awfully sorry about your dear Mage and everything you both went through together, and for your grief and sorrow now. I'm no stranger to it myself, though, and am still "in process" close to 2.5 yrs. after 'losing' my own fur-daughter, Nissa (who had gradually failing kidneys, btw), and before that, her also-just-as-beloved brother, Sabin. (I think I've been a member here since about '05, if I remember right)

Although I'd said more about this on my first failed attempt this morning, I want you to know, in short, that your whole thread here (though I've missed some details as it was a lot to read in my limited time) has ended up helping me, too. For one, it has increased the grati tude I have, yet haven't been able to keep well enough in the forefront, for the differences in our experiences through our babies' illnesses. In short again, I consider your sharings a 'gift of the Magi'. So know that there have been probably more ripple effects of the love you and Mage built than you could imagine. That doesn't stop the pain, of course, but does lend it some larger meaning, which is such a vital part of our process in mourning.

Secondly, even though our experiences were different, you seem to think and feel very much like I do, and have (what caught my attention in the first place), and although some of our questions were different, our numbers and types of questionINGS were similar, so I can relate very highly to that as well. This may have already been said to you and I missed it, but this was a concept that, once it really sunk in (took a long time to), it really helped me out --> we can only do what we can in the moment with what we know (or don't know) in that moment. That is from where we make whatever decisions we make, for better or worse, but it's not our fault if we don't know what we don't know in that moment. We can only know what we know WHEN we know it for the first time.

And I know you've likely learned much through your chats here with Joanne, just as I'd learned much through other people and means, and now you're regretting that you didn't know it ALL in the past, when it really counted....just like so many of us do!....but I'd like you to consider that it still counts, and always will. Every single thing that you learn because of your love for and with Mage will always, always count, and will become another part of his legacy in your life. No matter how long you're still in pain, you will carry that legacy with you, just as you carry him in your heart and soul. And it WILL affect others when you pass it on, however you pass it on. You will help change the world through yours and Mage's legacy of love. This is no small thing.

I also know how virtually impossible it seems to keep living when your baby isn't physically with you anymore. I still feel that way, even if I can now go about my day in some semblance of living. But I still don't relish this "new normal". To me, just a few months seems like no time at all in this grief journey, and my entire first year was spent in a strange dichotomy of both numbness and sheer agony. Even now it only feels like it's been just over a year for me, though it's been over twice that long.....and that by itself feels SHOCKING! It's just so hard, I know. And everything you'd said here before...well, it just brought it all back home to me, too, so we know we carry it all with us, even as we try and transform our grief into something larger and less painful. It does soften in time, but we also don't really 'lose' it entirely. I found it helpful to know that even the greatest sages among humans still had feelings that gave them pain. They just had better handles on how to move through it more effectively and quicker than most of us. And btw, I think "dissolve" is a great descriptor....

And a quick note for Joanne, before I have to run....I'm SO proud of all you've learned through your own many losses, all you've embraced and are now passing on to others, Joanne! Since I wasn't very able to be here for some time (and will likely never catch all up now!), the change I see in you is more obvious and pointed than it might have been otherwise. So I wanted you to know that it's a noticeable and remarkable amount of growth you've accomplished! WAY...TO...GO...!! You and Wendi have had a very compelling conversation going on here (and I'm sure many more with other people that I've also missed catching up on) and it's so good to see how you've supported others, and visa versa I'm sure. Just had to let you know. And for sure, Rassy is probably so proud of his mom, too!

Thank you Furkidlets' Mom for your words.

It is indeed unbelievable that my boy has been gone physically from this world for 22 weeks today. An eternity passed that day he left, from when we left home in the early morning to go to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open to the time I brought him home in the late afternoon, after he had gone, to say goodbye to his place, his rooms, our spaces together. I have remained in that day, to me time is something that occurs around me, I see and feel it happening in the seasons but it makes no sense to me. Putting up the Christmas tree for Mage was odd, Christmas was odd, for amongst everything else, to me it was still August - why was Christmas happening in August. How could time go on without my most beautiful boy? And so it makes no sense to me that he has been gone 22 weeks today. Time remains still in my house and I participate where I have to - and it, time, keeps drifting by, without reason, without purpose. And so I can't comprehend that it is 5 months since he has walked this place, sat beside me and rested in my lap - and yet one day, a few hours of one day in August last year became an eternity. It's like the songs say - how does the world keep on turning when someone you've loved (and do still) is not here.

Thank you for your words again. I particularly like where you said, "I consider your sharings a 'gift of the Magi'." He was very special to me, and his name was chosen for him by 'something/one' far greater. I was truly blessed when he came into my life. And I do want to honour him with my life now - I am just finding everything so incredibly hard.

Wendi.

Oh, dear, I know it's so hard and so incomprehensible, all rationality about them not living as long as we might aside. (those thoughts don't even make any real dent anyway when we're in sorrow)

How you put that...time is something that occurs around me, is SO accurate a description of how it feels. But in that particular perspective lays a golden key that helped me somewhat. Since Time is really, just as Einstein said, really nothing more than a construct for living and experiencing in this earthly realm, if it feels 'collapsed' and held at one certain place....well, I just used that to tell myself, "Then so be it. For ME, the calendar doesn't even really matter, no matter what the world 'out there' chooses to believe." In some indefinable way, it helped me feel that, by holding that piece of time that had seemed to not really move anywhere next to my aching heart, my girl was still much closer to me than the rational and linear part of my mind (that I really don't believe knows anything, really, of our real reality) wanted me to believe. I hope how I put this makes sense. It was just another thing to use to my advantage, and I still use it today.

Yes, you both were definitely blessed. There's no doubt about that! And you will honour Magion when and how you're able. There's no rush, as he is timeless and isn't going anywhere, no matter how much 'time' has passed. We just can't make big leaps from sorrow beyond words right up to joy. It's all baby steps of finding whatever works for us to help minimize the pain over time. If all you can do right now is just survive on autopilot, then that's all you can do, and that's perfectly okay. Sending you hugs of compassion, and knowing what it is that you speak so well about....

F.'s Mom

Wendi, I remember the words to that song, one of the mantra songs whispering in my heart during most of the first year, (don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when I lost your love)
of mourning my soulmate cat, as we try to find another reason to stay alive. At first the impact is such that there is not much you can do other than suffer, in time you will come to the point where you will be following Furkidlets footsteps:

Furkidlets Mom.

And we thank Sabin, Nissa and you Furkidlets for this ''no small thing", the only thing, a tribute, an honour and love that goes on and beyond, a reason to go on.

You guys are so right. Time does go on. How does it? How could it? It just doesn't seem fair. Today is 34 weeks since i've have the warm ball of fur beside me. (Sissycat)

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you F.'s Mom. The way you talk about time makes sense. So be it. I have often been described as a 'timeless' person, that is unaware of time as such. I can't seem to be governed by a clock, so why anymore by a calendar as such, which once again really was not how I measured anything. It's just unbelievable that he is not here and yet so painfully obvious at the same time. Moments were how Mage and I lived in many ways. As with my Dad who had dementia and couldn't remember, so moments, lived moments were what was important. I like how you describe Mage as timeless, for he was that in life. My brain feels rattled, unable to think clearly though. It is so hot out, again over 40 degrees and it is supposed to be the hottest period in recorded history. Yesterday it was over 30 degrees inside and I keep worrying how did I keep the place cool enough for Mage? I should have had another air conditioner in the bedroom, why didn't I think of that? And all these worries over him combined with not even wanting to bring it to awareness that I don't need to worry about him - and then I have to tell myself it didn't stay this hot for this long and we had the fan in the bedroom and it cooled down at night and all those things.

It is so good having people around who understand this intensity. To hear your pain and sorrow continue and that you are integrating their lives into your own. They are beautiful ones, your kids.

You said in your other post about doing things in the moment. It's hard though, I didn't even feel I was doing the right thing half the time when he became unwell in those last weeks, I felt like I didn't know what I was doing was right and felt really inadequate. I was at a point of wanting to pay a nurse to stay overnight to help out. I didn't know what I was doing and I wanted the best for him.

Even when he went on Fortekor I didn't know if that was right as I had heard varying reports over its safety. But we did it, and Mage loved his tablet, only refusing to take it in the last while so I had to give it to him.

I would like to hear more of what you were going to write, when you have time. Darn computers! Indeed, I have done the same thing - very frustrating.

Thank you again.

Wendi.

Thank you Toonie. It is indeed trying to find another reason to go on, as they become our lives, our reason for coming home, our reason for being. Delta Goodram, an Australian singer released a song awhile ago with the words, 'I'm lost without you' and they just keep swimming in my head again and again. And there are those tears again, welling up from the bottom of my soul, it is agony, I am so lost without my most beautiful one. He kept me going when things became tough over the years, he was my reason. My Dad and Mage were the two most important people in my life, now they are both gone, what is there?

You are right, 'a tribute, an honour and love that goes on and beyond ....' And I like how you drew out what F.s Mom said. It's trying to integrate all this. It is so hard.

Thank you.


Wendi.

Thank you for posting Sissycat. Many hugs to you on this paniful day - and all days. It is agony without them there beside us. All the snuggles and cuddles, all the purrs, the rebukes, all of it. Nothing is fair, I keep saying it's not fair.

Wendi.

Hi Wendi,

Well, unfortunately, I can't even remember now what other thoughts I'd had in my head when I lost that first post! So I'll just have to go from where we are, and maybe some of them will return on their own.

You're actually very fortunate that the clock never governed you and your days. Many of us struggle so with trying to live ONLY in the Now, so you ought to be one big step ahead of everyone else. And that will serve you well in so many ways, most especially during mourning, when accepting where we just ARE in our pain is so beneficial to our process. I follow a lot of the Abraham/Esther & Jerry Hicks material (as well as many others, too), if you're familiar with who they are, and in a very condensed nutshell, here's Abraham's advice for the challenging times of grief, which is easier to practice when you can stay in the moment:

Feel whatever you feel. Accept that's where you are because your Higher Self already knows that's where you're supposed to be right now in the Grand Picture. Then, when you're ready to (this will vary, naturally), see if you can move yourself into another feeling that's one 'step' higher on the vibrational scale of feelings (feelings themselves create our vibrational place on that scale), according to how they're rated. (you need their list of feelings for this to be more exact, but most of them are pretty obvious in where they are on it, and why) For just one example, anger is actually a higher level than grief and depression, and even the feeling of revenge is higher than anger, etc. And, accept that no feeling is "bad" or "good". They're just feelings. To do this, we can use other thoughts or beliefs, such as "My loved one is timeless.....and so am I. There is plenty of time for my grief to unfold," or whatever thoughts help. The intent is to find whatever ends up bringing some relief to the 'lower' feeling(s), and to learn to also recognize that other feeling of "a little relief." Basically, that's what I've tried to do for the most part. But it's not easy, as nothing is when you're wracked with such sorrow, and you just have to give yourself a pat on the back when and if you're able to move forward with any one feeling. And of course, there are a 'million' different, and oftentimes colliding or ambiguous feelings & thoughts during such a journey....so no, it's not easy. But if we can start to get a sense or belief that even THIS, this horrible agony, is really meant to serve us and likely many more other souls, including our beloved ones in spirit, in the 'end' (there is no real 'end' to anything in reality, is what I mean), that can also help us accept our pain wherever it is, WHENever it is ...just...what... it...is.

A huge part of this whole process IS what you're thinking about...about "did I do the right things?" I did TONS of 'right' things for my girl (if not as much for my guy....when I knew far less ), yet I was still always asking myself "But is/was this enough? Why didn't I also do THAT?" and on and on, beating myself into a pulp. It was really only after many months that I was able to even begin to start seriously questioning those self-doubts, and very, very gradually replacing them with other, more helpful thoughts, like, "I did more than many people I know do/did; I was SO exhausted by the whole 6.5 yrs. of worry, grief (when Sabin 'left'), caregiving, other horrific family-of-origin matters around my Mother's and brother's deaths; I've got to give myself at least SOMEWHAT of a break and realize I'd been terribly stressed for SO long, and yet I still did the best I could do under all the circ u mstances. That demon "guilt" is the hardest task-master to stop listening to! (and guilt is one of the lowest vibrations, btw) Getting mad at the Guilt itself can even help, and so I did at times. But you know, even today, I can hear something, read something, think of something...that can bring it back again for awhile...something ELSE I'd not thought to do at the time, no matter how tiny a thing. And once again, I have to sit and deliberately make myself realize that the lifestyle I gave my kids, in the whole, was SO superior in so many ways to what so many other animals have to endure. And once again, I have to give up my wishes that I'd been able to be perfect in every way. That's a real toughie for us, when we wanted nothing BUT perfection for our beloveds! It also helps me to contrast what I gave my kids, versus what my own Mother didn't give me.

So you see, even those of us who've gone the extra mile all along for our kids still suffer the same, stupid feelings of guilt! I'll bet that even IF anyone in the world COULD have been perfect, chances are still good that they'd dig and scratch and root around to MAKE UP something to feel guilty about. Yikes. That's us hoomans.

And most of us are so cut off from our own Divinity that we can barely even imagine that it's true that all is in Divine Order, no matter what it looks like. But as we ponder and reflect, we gain or REgain some of that higher perspective, eventually.

I also have to remind myself often that while we're still on this plane, struggling and trying to raise our own vibrations up higher and higher (I have a single-minded GOAL to finally be able to SEE those other realms in whatever ways I can!), our kids, as Abraham jokingly puts it, "took the easier way out" and are already THERE. No more struggle, their vibrations back to where ALL of our Higher Selves really still are. But they won't just 'leave us behind', either, as that cord of love that connected us before is still firmly in place, never to be severed.

You'd said "I was at a point of wanting to pay a nurse to stay overnight to help out. I didn't know what I was doing and I wanted the best for him." So can you imagine that the intense and undying intent of the LOVE that was the cause of those thoughts not only added to the whole picture, the whole equation of the beautiful creations of love that you and Mage built together, but further, that they're still causing more effects along the same lines? If love doesn't die and only makes itself grow, even if you weren't in actuality able to get a nurse, don't you think that the love behind that wish not only helped something then, but still carries on? And that that is part of the higher reality that was there to surround Mage when he transitioned into it? "A Course In Miracles" states that everything REAL that we created (and what is more real than Love?) has been held for us forever and will be returned to us again. It's all there - always was, still is, and always will be. And that is where Mage is - in that love that you both created.

But I know.....you don't want him anywhere but where YOU are. And that, of course, is the hardest part. While I truly believe he IS there, just as all our beloveds are, or can be whenever they or we wish, we're normally too vibrationally dense to see, feel and know that for (what we consider) "a fact." Because if we could, we wouldn't have to miss them at all, would we? We'd SEE them right there beside us. And that's where I turn to ADCs and the higher senses, wherever I can. I'm just finishing reading (finally) the old book, "Hello From Heaven" by Judy and Bill Gugenheim. It leaves me breathless with anticipation, but also some depression, only because I haven't had one of these full-blown visitations, while awake, myself, as so many others have....even some members on this site. I've had TONS of signs from my kids, the more tangible ones from Sabin, but still not a full-blown one....and that remains both extremely puzzling and heart-breaking to me. And yet I believe. I've had enough evidence, but I'm greedy for more! "If only" I were a cat myself, more in-tune with the other realms to begin with....

But all this aside, you're probably still in some shock, so it's harder than ever to think or function. Normal, though! My first year was a blur of pain-filled moments, many of which I don't even remember now. We tried going away on little trips (the first time in about 15 yrs. we'd been able to, cuz of our kids), with me hoping this might jump-start something, anything, in me. I needed relief from the intensity of the pain. I found little of that, but did feel grati tude for the few moments of partial interest, or beauty in nature, or whatever, that I experienced. But nothing dampened the pain for more than a few seconds at a time. I either slept fairly deeply (from sheer exhaustion) or barely at all. Even now, my sleeping patterns have worsened AGAIN. I've always been a consumate "foodie" and while I could still appreciate fine food for what it was, I ate in desperation, not in much pleasure. I lost so many parts of myself that still haven't returned to pre-grief normal, and they may never return for all I know. So I'm still struggling, every single day, even if some of those days hold many blessings and even joys. So no, it's not easy. And I'm just thankful that I've still got somewhere to come to 'talk' about whatever I need or want to, for the most part. Hey, I'd be on here almost 24/7 if I could type faster and didn't have anything else that needed doing!

Anyway, I've yammered on enough for now. (sorry, I'm a chatterbox!)

But a note to Toonie before I leave - thanks for the lovely nod to me, but I'm not sure anyone would really want to be following in my footsteps! I think other people have often come FAR further than I in their integration and healing of their pain, whereas I consider myself quite the 'turtle' (apologies to all turtles) when it comes to grieving. But thanks all the same for thinking so well of me! And right back atcha, girl!

Thank you F.s Mom.

It is indeed a journey of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, an easing of the pain to intense agony. A psychologist I was seeing said once not to be afraid of feeling 'normal,' when one day I couldn't understand why I wasn't wracked with pain - and I had been coming to see those odd days, when I really felt them, as me being numb and a moment of distance from the intensity that returns. The psychologist basically said the same and said it was even okay to feel weird about feeling 'like me' in that moment.

Sometimes I find Magion lets me know what it was really like when we were together, peaceful (with always underlying concern over his wellbeing like any parent) but nothing else mattered when we were together, the job I was in which I took a number of months after he was diagnosed with kidney disease, even though I was wanting part time work (really didn't want to work at all but am on my own so had to - I eventually got to work from home a couple of days a week and did go part time), the place I bought, which once again we needed to get out of where we were staying after selling and buying a place that at the time I thought was a mistake but encouraged to buy by friends - friends I might add who eventually turned their backs on both of us. But nothing else mattered as long as we were together. I used to think as we snuggled in together on the couch at night that that was the meaning of everything - relationships with those we love. For I wanted those moments to last forever, to just be together in pure bliss. Unaware of anything other than each other and the love we shared. I loved the way he smelt, the softness of his hair, the sound of his purr, the tickling of his whiskers against my face and at times I'd cover him with kisses from head to the tip of his tail. 'Kisses all over...' And we would just lie back and be. He was my best friend, my confidante, my protector, my companion, and my boy. And what were smiles as I wrote about our cuddles, are now tears again, for I miss him so. He was and is the love of my life. And he does come to visit, I have been most fortunate that he visits like he does, I just haven't felt him lately and the intensity of his visits is like he is right there, his essence is right there and he moves about the place and sits in different places. And I am so happy, like we were when we were together, but a day or so later I crash. And I know I need to remember those times, and hope for another visit. It's just that I had that every day for 17 years and now it is moments. But, yes, it has all been about moments. I have found when I am feeling depressed that I generally don't feel him, but when I make an effort to follow our routine and talk to him (I talk to him lots anyway) that is when he can be around.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Magion has tried to tell me about regrets, very early after he went when I was beating myself up badly over things I did that I believed that I shouldn't and things I believe I should have done and didn't. And as I was going all through this it was like he said to let it go, that it was in the past, and just is. Over the last while I have had this thing where the thought is there is no right or wrong decision, they are just decisions without judement. I don't know.

When you talk about vibrational scales of feelings, it makes sense, but I hope Mage didn't pick up on my anxieties. I have worried about this especially when a myotherapist, who we didn't get to see, said that four-legged ones can pick up on our own feelings etc and internalise them. I felt responsible then for Mage not being well and yet he lived with me being anxious about various things to varying degress all his life. He was the relaxed laid back one in the family. I always went outside, after he was diagnosed with the lymphosarcome in 2004, to talk about him on the phone, or when I felt particularly worried and felt I would cry as I didn't want him exposed to those feelings. However, when his doctor rang with the blood test results in mid July last year and said Mage's numbers were up and that he was 'trying really hard' some of those feelings of worry and the possibility of him going (which I knew it could happen, but no-one knows when) came to the surface when I was with him. And I had not had those thoughts of the possibility of him going even when he was on chemo - I would push it out of my mind and not allow myself to think that way. We just appreciated every day and tried to live every moment. Now it was over 4 years since then and the thoughts crept in. And I became afraid I had put the thought in his mind about leaving and I never wanted him to leave.

I find it interesting, strange though, that revenge could be considered higher on a vibrational scale than anger. If it were purely based on vibration without any sense of higher order I could understand that revenge would have a stronger vibration, however, if there is a higher order, then revenge to me as an expression of emotion is quite primitive and would be lower on the scale. Anyway, that was an aside.

I don't really question my feelings as such I just experience them, which can have me in tears at my desk at work, but that doesn't matter to me. But maybe I do question them when I say I don't really want to adjust to him not being here. But I do want to honour him and I can't do that if I feel so low, but I don't question it, just feel it. Now I'm talking in circles again, but that is how I go. Round and around, don't know where to turn or to whom. I know I have to follow some of our routine to find a way to honour him.

Sometimes when my head goes around and around with all the things I feel I've done wrong and should have done differently, I think the mind tries to mess things up and I am reminded of Jesus in the Christian tradition and the temptations. When his 'mind' tries to make him believe or think things that aren't so. Sometimes I think we are tested in many ways - and I think I have failed many of those tests and it is only hindsight that brings illumination. I don't know. I ramble too. Trying to think things through.

I will go and have a cup of tea.

Hope to talk again soon.

Wendi.