Lost... Options

[goliath]

[quote name='justme' date='Aug 1 2008, 03:57 PM' post='41192']
"My way of accepting is I don't think about it. I don't allow myself to think about it."


Hey Steve. I can completely understand what you mean by "running through your head 24/7. When you're ready though, think about Raggs. By not allowing yourself to "think" about Raggs passing and the feelings you are pushing down will come back to haunt you. It takes time and there is no choice except to work through your grief and not around it. Recovering from such an emotional blow takes time and patience along with a fountain of tears.

Goliath was involved in everything we ever did from boating, camping, shopping, vacations etc. All of his waking moments were spent with us. My hubby even took Goliath & Gidget to work with him. I'm sure you spent time in alot of activity with Raggs too. When we go from doing everything with our sweet doggieloves to nothing it's such an empty feeling that's hard for me to describe. It's like learning to do everything all over again.

Be sure your mind and heart are clear before you adopt another puppy. I have read many stories from people who brought a new furbaby into their home that realized later that it was too soon for them. If you choose to do it, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Healing takes time and so do new relationships. Be prepared with patience in both.

Hugs my friend,
Beth

[Miss my baby]

Hey guys,
I lost my best friend, Raggs, a rescue pup that was found abandoned and neglected in the streets. His coat was matted and mangled. Hence the name.
I was first introduced to Raggs at the age of 7 when my Dad brought him home. He was approx. 8 weeks old. I'm now 22, Raggs passed last Sunday. I had the pleasure of his friendship for 15 years.

We quickly became friends, then best friends and soon enough we were inseparable. He was part of the family..We both grew up together. Now he's gone and i'm completely lost.

During my late teens i battled against an eating disorder. I was very sick. And he knew that, he knew that i was sick.
Resting his head on my chest a little more gently than usual, his big green eyes would stare into mine and they would beg me to get better, his eyes told me i needed to fight it and get better.
He pulled me through that dreadful time. After all, we were a team. A unit.

We bounced off each other, protecting one other when either of us fell.

Over the years his eye sight began to dim and his hearing wasn't too good...He was getting old...
Something of which was easily over shadowed by liveliness and playfulness.

Through out Last Friday he was puking violently, drinking lots, not eating and seemed...'sluggish'.
I comfortred him through the night into the early hours.
After an hours sleep, i woke up to find that he had perked up alot. Throughout Saturday he wasn't puking, he was eating and he seemed a lot happier. I went to bed that night relieved that my best friend was ok, foolishly putting it down to something he may of eaten.
The following morning i woke to find him in much worse condition than on the Firday. He was puking again, drinking lots and could barely walk. When he could stand and walk (with assistance), He couldnt balance and couldnt walk straight.
My Dad called the Veterinarian hospital in the neighbouring town while i comforted him, and told him what he told me 2 years previously...'Get beter'...'Please get better'...'It'll be alright'.
Soon enough my Dad had scooped him up off of the carpet in a wrap around, we were in the car and heading to the hospital.

My best friend has always had a...'rebellious' streak towards being examined or when getting his shots. This time was different, their was no fight...No need to calm him.
After an examination, the Vet said that his kidneys had completley shut down and that the kindest thing we could do for him was put him to sleep.
'No! No he's fine! He was fine yesterday!', i kept thinking. It hadn't hit me what was going on or what was about to happen.
My best friend of 15 years wasn't about to leave me...He couldnt.

The Vet asked us to leave the room while she did her thing.
That wasn't going to happen.
She shaved a small piece of fur off of his leg...Normally he would try his best to avoid that happening, but still..Nothing.
The rest...I just cant write...

I'm completley lost. The earliest memory of life i have is when i was 7, the day i met my best friend.
I can honestly say that i've never known life without him.
The bottom of my world fell through last Sunday. My heart feels so heavy and yet a chunk of it is missing.
Part of me still cant get my head round it...

I will never feel the same way he made me feel ever again. Only he had the power to do that. Words cant describe those feelings...And their gone.
Half of me has gone.

Since Sunday i just havn't been able to function...I cant stop crying, i cant stop panicking, i just...I cant cope much longer.

Even if just one person reply's to this...Please just say anything...Anything to let me know that someone is their..

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Raggs. You are right when you say a part of you is missing because that is what they become to us. They are here on loan to us from God, and when he needs them back it makes us so sad. Let the tears fall freely and don't ever hold back. I lost my precious cat Simba just 3 weeks ago, and I still cry for him and miss him very much. In time you will start to feel better and remember the good memories with smiles instead of tears. Take good care, and know he smiles down on you with love.
Deb

[justme]

Just me,

Thanks for asking. For the most part I feel better. I do have many moments still. When I am on here reading everyone's posts to each other is my worst times right now. Seems like I have the biggest tear drops ever. Still miss her so very much, but the pain is not as intense and as often. I am not forgetting her, just is easier now days to remember all the good times we had in the 2 short years together.
Again Thanks for asking. IT IS GOOD TO KNOW PEOPLE CARE IF ONLY A COUPLE WORDS!!

Many Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!

sissycat,

Well i'm glad you feel a little better and that the pain isn't so intense now...
If anything sissycat, try to take comfort in knowing that your last post gives me a little hope in that one day...The pain wont be so intense.
And for that i thankyou.

Take care, best wishes.

[justme]

Hey Beth,

But thats what i mean by 'running through my mind 24/7'...Always thinking about him.

Its like my physical is on autopilot while my mind is else where.
Walking around the supermarket, cleaning the house etc.. I'm doing it but theirs just nothing in it.
I walk 15 minutes to the store,
as soon as i leave the house,
i'm walking into the store.
Autopilot.

I just read all that back and it sounds...Very strange. I'm just trying to explain how theirs nothing in anything anymore.

Like Goliath and yourself, myself and Raggs did eveything together.
Someone said awhile back that Raggs and i were inseparable.
He and i were a team.
And knowing that, i took shelter in thinking that nothing was ever going to happen to either of us.
One of us leaving and never comming back was just uncomprehendable.
And now...Well now i'm here and my heart has left the building.

"It's like learning to do everything all over again"
--
Yeah, your right.
Like starting a new (scary) life.
Trying to figure out some way to function again.

"Be sure your mind and heart are clear before you adopt another puppy. I have read many stories from people who brought a new furbaby into their home that realized later that it was too soon for them. If you choose to do it, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Healing takes time and so do new relationships. Be prepared with patience in both."
--
I completely understand.
I couldnt let another furry friend into my life only to find that i couldnt give them the love they long for. It wouldnt be fair.
I'm not sure if i'll ever feel 'ready' but i wouldnt bring another into my home if i knew i wasn't ready or had any serious doubts.

Thankyou for your words Beth,

Best wishes.

[justme]

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Raggs. You are right when you say a part of you is missing because that is what they become to us. They are here on loan to us from God, and when he needs them back it makes us so sad. Let the tears fall freely and don't ever hold back. I lost my precious cat Simba just 3 weeks ago, and I still cry for him and miss him very much. In time you will start to feel better and remember the good memories with smiles instead of tears. Take good care, and know he smiles down on you with love.
Deb

Deb,

I am sorry for the loss of your precious Simba.

Thankyou for your kind words.
Being told that one day the good memories will make me smile and the tears will be less, is always comforting.
I might not picture a day like that yet but...it gives me a little hope as well as a little drive to carry on
Again, thankyou.

[goliath]

But thats what i mean by 'running through my mind 24/7'...Always thinking about him.

Its like my physical is on autopilot while my mind is else where.
Walking around the supermarket, cleaning the house etc.. I'm doing it but theirs just nothing in it.
I walk 15 minutes to the store,
as soon as i leave the house,
i'm walking into the store.
Autopilot.

I just read all that back and it sounds...Very strange. I'm just trying to explain how theirs nothing in anything anymore.

It doesn't sound strange to me at all because I have been where you are now. For months I would do things on auto pilot and often would forget about what I had just said to somebody. Days were mixed up as well as my mind. I thought I was going completely wacko sometimes. I'd do things and forget I had done them having no recollection whatsoever. Heavy stress can and does mess with a person's functions. Laughing one minute and breaking down in tears the next, the dramatic fluctuation of emotions was mind boggling for me.

Trust that one day you will become able to live fully. That day may not be today, but I promise you it will come. You're still new at trying to find your way to a place of contentment and happiness. It doesn't come overnight. You have 15 years of memories made with Raggs. That's a long time, especially since you were just 7 years old yourself when you got him. You've never known life without him by your side so it is even harder for you to believe that there is a hope of living life happily without him by your side. Believe it or not, Raggs is still by your side where he'll be forever.

Try to enjoy today Steve. May you feel the love and sunshine of Raggs all around you.

Hugs to you my friend,
Beth

[sissycat]

I understand about the adopting of a new furbaby. I think I want to, but I've been several times to the adoption ceneter. I just cannot make a connection yet. Don't know if it is too soon yet or that I just haven't found the right furbaby. Sometimes I think it would help fill the void, but what if I get the wrong one.
So guess I agree we should make sure before we bring a new pet into our lives.

Thank You Again Justme!!!!!!!!!!

I am glad we can give each other some comfort.

Many Hugs to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[justme]

Beth,

Well i'm kinda' glad you said that...I knew part of it was down to sheer exhaustion but i thought i was going a little crazy.

"You've never known life without him by your side so it is even harder for you to believe that there is a hope of living life happily without him by your side."
--
Your right. And thats one of the things i keep going over and just cant get my head around.
The earliest memory i have in my life is meeting Raggs for the first time.
And because of that, i consider that day the beginning of my life.
I cant grasp the thought of...living a happy life without him. I cant even bare thinking about it.

But...Despite all that..I'm told and have been promised that it will come.
So i hold on.

Thankyou Beth.

Best wishes.

[justme]

I understand about the adopting of a new furbaby. I think I want to, but I've been several times to the adoption ceneter. I just cannot make a connection yet. Don't know if it is too soon yet or that I just haven't found the right furbaby. Sometimes I think it would help fill the void, but what if I get the wrong one.
So guess I agree we should make sure before we bring a new pet into our lives.

Thank You Again Justme!!!!!!!!!!

I am glad we can give each other some comfort.

Many Hugs to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well i guess, (and anyone correct me if i'm wrong), by going to the adoption centre several times to look around, i think part of you may be ready but still maybe a little reluctant.

As long as their is a connection their, i dont think you could get it wrong...

With me, i think i know another furry friend isn't really a good idea for me

I know their are others here that are in a...'better' position than myself to offer you advice about adopting another furry friend. I just dont think i can at the moment, i'm sorry...

I'm glad we can bounce off of each other too.
(Call me Steve)

Thankyou.

[justme]

Judy,

Ugh' sorry Judy, i just didnt click that Beth was quoting you and not me.
Reading it back now, i realise.
Sorry, i should of noticed and corrected it. My head is still in another place. I apologise.

I realise now that...Their is no set way to working through this and that everyone is different (yes, something you've told me in the past). And fully realising that now is a little scary..Ok very scary.
Scary in the sense that..I dont know what to do next.
Now by me typing that sentence above, i know that people will spark their own thoughts and opinions on what i should do...And i take all of them into account, especially your's Judy as your words mean so much.

I just...Do you think maybe..Time away from this board would help give a little understanding in figuring out what...path i should take? Your honest opinion?
Bearing in mind that...I would be completely alone if i did take time away for myself.
Like i said, i just dont know.

My last post to you Judy was:
---
Judy,

"My way of accepting is I don't think about it. I don't allow myself to think about it."

I understand how your new boy Lucky can aid in that.
With me, Raggs is running through my mind for what seems like 24/7...Thats why i wish the summer was over and i was back at Uni.
Same with me...I took some pics a couple of days before he left, not knowing what was going to happen, VERY painful to look at now...But because they were the most recent..And to think that they were from a couple of days before he passed..I'm kinda' drawn to them a little even though it kills me. Just to remember what life was like then...And how messed up and empty it is now.
Yet in the back of my mind..I know i should rejoice over the many happy, 'healthy' photographs.

I'll see how it goes with them.

Again, thankyou for your words Judy.
---

If you want to pick up from their, i would appreciate it. If not, i completley understand.

Thankyou Judy.

Best wishes.

[goliath]

Hey Steve,

Sorry for the confusion in my not separating the quotes. The back and forth posting confused me, however I will stand by what I said no matter who I was quoting. If it sounded as though I was yelling softly or otherwise, it was not the tone I intended. Yelling in any fashion or telling another what they should do or not do is not my style. To make it simple, I was just saying that for me it was important to work through the acute stages of grief before I even thought about bringing a new addition into our family. Experience tells me that pushing down feelings eventually come out in a very ugly way. One way or another they are going to come out. I never meant to offend anybody.............so I am very sorry if it was received in that way.

Each person is different. When I was still in a state of disbelief and deep mourning I was in no postion to even think about another puppy. My head was too discombobulated and I needed time to get my thoughts somewhat straight again. Browser came along about 6 months after Goliath passed away. If I remember correctly, it has not even been a month for you. When you think you are ready you will know it.

Just as there are others here to lend you support, I am too. Though I may not be here as often as I used to be, I come and read about how you are coming along. I do this because your story hits me right square in the heart where it still hurts and always will because I can understand completely why you feel the way you do.

Browser definately changed my life. I would be the first to acknowlege that and have no regrets. The right time is measured differrently for each individual. Only you and you alone will know when that time is.

Much love with comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

[justme]

Hi, Steve

Well, last year in August and September was when I was losing my Little Guy and these months still make me cry. Ultra-sensitive I guess. I felt Beth was criticizing my grief and my solution for me...there is a difference in a recent loss and one several months away and you and I are not at the same stage of grieving but I have been where you are and I was reaching my hand back to help you get through what I have already been through.

Before I forget I wanted to tell you I liked your answer to Sissy about her going to the shelters to look for a new friend where you
said: Well i guess, (and anyone correct me if i'm wrong), by going to the adoption centre several times to look around, i think part of you may be ready but still maybe a little reluctant.
------------------
That made me smile. I think your thoughts are right on target.

-----------------------------------------------

I have read your replies of comfort to others here and you are doing so well and it makes me feel you are feeling the comfort like I get from hoping our words make someone else feel better. Which is why I see no reason to take a break unless you aren't feeling better by coming here. But I thought you are doing well....baby steps....as I read your responses I see a relaxing in your thinking and know some things are coming together for you...even if you don't consciously see it.

Don't be scared wondering what to do next. Don't wonder...just know you do have to take everything one day at a time and when you occupy your mind with positive things...like visiting here is positive...looking at Raggs pictures is a positive step. There are no instructions for us on what to do. That's why during my crying and grieving and realizing the pain was still controlling me...that's when I started forcing myself to think....what would make me feel better? Coming here and joining this forum was a tremendous help for me. As you can tell from other posts...this has helped many....I think because when you are here...you really realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your grief. That things you think........ others will tell you are normal. It is a way of passing the time that has to go by to help dull everything. And my final help was getting Lucky. He is not my Little Guy but he loves in his own way and best of all, he is the distraction I need to stop thinking sad thoughts.

I remember you last saying about your scanner wasn't working and you were going to put Raggs pictures on a CD and think about posting one here..or more. That's something to do.

Posting here in your topic and also posting to others where you want to simply ask...how are you doing?...things like that occupy time. I don't think being by yourself would help...I wouldn't want to be by myself when I am hurting. Sharing that hurt...just helps relieve some of it...as least it does for me. And I find if I am thinking by myself...well, I fill my mind with so many thoughts and questions..it drives me nuts. But posting things like this is therapeutic....I just can't do 2 things at once in my mind...post like this and feel any pain....and I would rather post.

I wish the summer were over too...you want to be back at Uni and I want it to be past the time my Little Guy had to leave..for me that date is Sept 10. Maybe we could just get through the summer together....by posting here and letting the days go by.

By taking it one day at a time...it is like when you get up...what do you want to do with the day? Whatever makes you feel better to do...do that. Cry and spend the day crying and getting exhausted? I've done that. Sometimes that is the thing that helps.
Coming here and trying to encourage people who are getting ready to make that final decision. See....they have yet to get on the road you are already on....There is a sweet gal here, Victoria, who will soon be losing her dog, Goose...they are waiting for her husband to be able to get back home. Like she said, it is hard to be doing this when you are alone. Trying to make others feel better...takes time from my day and that makes me feel better too....using time...and making someone feel better.

I like to go look at my Tribute to Little Guy in Pictures.....I put myself in the time frame of those pictures and that's why I can smile looking at them...instead of allowing myself to think the sad thoughts that could naturally come. He was fine then.

Just keep doing what you are doing...even if it feels as though you are doing nothing...doing nothing IS something. There is no right or wrong way to spend your time. Sometimes if you read what others do...you might think...I may try that.

The forum occupies time. Posting occupies time. taking a walk occupies time. Maybe writing a little journal each day about how you feel or write it to Raggs about how you miss him.....it takes time and if it brings tears...that is normal. We don't run away from tears. We just find after so many (and they will never be exhausted in our lifetime) that doing that is exhausting physically right
now and we try to find other outlets to relieve our pain.

I guess it is just that right now the only thing I can think of where one does not feel alone ...is coming here and feeling part of a family that understands, that has the same pain, and who are waiting for the same....time....to pass. And by the replies you see here...you can see what I am saying.

So, Steve, I think being here is the best place you could be right now...that is my opinion. Only you know what makes you feel better. That is the goal....to feel better when you think you can never feel better again. You can find you will get back in control of the pain and the sadness. Right now is too soon but not too soon to work at filling your day.

Well, now I have talked so much ...you might be nodding off....so I will stop for now...but I will be back and unless you say differently...I will expect to see you back too.

Here is your cyber-Hug.

Judy

Judy,

August AND September?...I just cant imagine what those two months must of been like..
With me and my Raggs, It happened in a day...
Not counting the days my stupid bloody ignorance stood in the way of any possible signs.

No please, i dont believe anyone was criticizing your grief or solution.
Like i said, and what you have said previously...
Whatever brings some comfort...
I understand that you are not at the same stage of grieving, and i know from what i've read on your posts in other threads that you (and others) have been to the depths and somehow...Managed to climb up.
Which is just..Amazing..
And to me..Seems impossible.
But you did it...

And you reaching out your hand to me (and to others) to pull me out of the neck deep that is despair is just...amazing.
As pathetic as this may sound, I've never known so much 'human comfort' and caring before, that can come from people.
And yet it comes from people across the pond, in a different country.
It just blows my mind.
(yes i dont get out much!)

In your last post:
"Before I forget I wanted to tell you I liked your answer to Sissy about her going to the shelters to look for a new friend where you
said: Well i guess, (and anyone correct me if i'm wrong), by going to the adoption centre several times to look around, i think part of you may be ready but still maybe a little reluctant.
------------------
That made me smile. I think your thoughts are right on target."
----------------------------------------------------

Judy...That was down to you!
It was yourself who taught me that...And brought some direction and meaning to that...Something i could keep to myself as well as pass along to others..
I understood what i said to sissy and i meant it...
But it was you who...made sense of that to me the first time...
If their are any thanks that creep up for that, they shouldn't be for me, but for yourself.

"I have read your replies of comfort to others here and you are doing so well and it makes me feel you are feeling the comfort like I get from hoping our words make someone else feel better. Which is why I see no reason to take a break unless you aren't feeling better by coming here. But I thought you are doing well....baby steps....as I read your responses I see a relaxing in your thinking and know some things are coming together for you...even if you don't consciously see it."
--
Yes, consciously i dont see it.
At all.
Maybe from an..'outside' point of view you can see it..
I just dont know if i am feeling better or not...Strange?
I still sob, but not as much as i did...Now its just..stumped silence.
It's getting harder to write here.
I feel part of me is just..Giving up now.
But it's ok, i feel it's ok.

"I remember you last saying about your scanner wasn't working and you were going to put Raggs pictures on a CD and think about posting one here..or more. That's something to do."
--
Their on CD now...I had to go through every picture...
All 88 of them. 15 years worth. Some not so good, many amazing.
It killed me.
Each photograph, a memory of my past life with my best friend.
in two days it will be a month when he passed (time zone here)...I will plan something for then.

"I wouldn't want to be by myself when I am hurting. Sharing that hurt...just helps relieve some of it...as least it does for me. And I find if I am thinking by myself...well, I fill my mind with so many thoughts and questions..it drives me nuts. But posting things like this is therapeutic....I just can't do 2 things at once in my mind...post like this and feel any pain....and I would rather post"
--
With me, i've always held it tight inside.
Give me anthing but this and i could lock it up inside..
But not this..
I fell to my knees in front of my mum...Something of which i fought against in the moment, but the moment conquered.
I could bottle absolutely anything up, but this...
Their was never enough room for this.
But yes...Without my first post here and everyone that answered my cries, i dont know where i would be.

"I wish the summer were over too...you want to be back at Uni and I want it to be past the time my Little Guy had to leave..for me that date is Sept 10. Maybe we could just get through the summer together....by posting here and letting the days go by"
--
For the summer...This is all i have. The people on this forum.
Even if September eventually arrives when i'm back at Uni...I know i'm still going to be here on this forum. Even if by some magical reason i feel like i dont need it anymore...i'll be here.

September 10th Judy, I'll remember...
I go back to Uni September 11th...
I'll be right here..

"So, Steve, I think being here is the best place you could be right now...that is my opinion. Only you know what makes you feel better. That is the goal....to feel better when you think you can never feel better again."
--
Thats just it, i just dont know what makes me feel better...Yes comming here and finding this forum was...a lifeline.
Words cant express how much i owe you and so many others here.

But on the whole, i just dont know.

Maybe this is just it now, i dont know.

"Well, now I have talked so much ...you might be nodding off....so I will stop for now...but I will be back and unless you say differently...I will expect to see you back too."
--
it's 05:26am here...And i'm not nodding off.
Your posts can never be too long, their always full of comforting words.

If anything, in two days it will be a month since...My Raggs passed.
It feels like i'm on death row...

I will try to say something then.

I want to say something.

And post pictures of my son.

--

Thankyou Judy..
For everything.

(now how's that for a long post ^)

[justme]

Hey Steve,

Sorry for the confusion in my not separating the quotes. The back and forth posting confused me, however I will stand by what I said no matter who I was quoting. If it sounded as though I was yelling softly or otherwise, it was not the tone I intended. Yelling in any fashion or telling another what they should do or not do is not my style. To make it simple, I was just saying that for me it was important to work through the acute stages of grief before I even thought about bringing a new addition into our family. Experience tells me that pushing down feelings eventually come out in a very ugly way. One way or another they are going to come out. I never meant to offend anybody.............so I am very sorry if it was received in that way.

Each person is different. When I was still in a state of disbelief and deep mourning I was in no postion to even think about another puppy. My head was too discombobulated and I needed time to get my thoughts somewhat straight again. Browser came along about 6 months after Goliath passed away. If I remember correctly, it has not even been a month for you. When you think you are ready you will know it.

Just as there are others here to lend you support, I am too. Though I may not be here as often as I used to be, I come and read about how you are coming along. I do this because your story hits me right square in the heart where it still hurts and always will because I can understand completely why you feel the way you do.

Browser definately changed my life. I would be the first to acknowlege that and have no regrets. The right time is measured differrently for each individual. Only you and you alone will know when that time is.

Much love with comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Beth,

It's ok, I should of picked up on it.
You didnt offend me.

I understand about how you wanted to work through the acute stages of grief before you even thought about bringing another furry friend into your family.
I fully understand and realise now that their is no set way to this...And that everyone is different. I was told from the beginning that everyone is different and will find their their own way in working through it..
As narrow minded as this may sound, initially i thought that their must be one similar path that everybody takes. It seems dumb that i even thought that now as i realise that, that is not the case.
I'm glad that the path you took, (working it through), went a long way in helping you.

Thankyou Beth.

Best Wishes.

[justme]

Judy,

'I guess the quotes got confusing because I have not learned how to quote like you do with my words..so I just copy and paste and try to separate yours from mine. Then others like Beth emphasize words by making them a different color...I have not learned that either. Sorry about that but I guess I just want to get the words out and usually don't quote the person I am replying to but with you sometimes, I like the idea of responding to certain thoughts and showing what I respond to...so it makes more sense.'
--
Its perfectly alright.
Yes, the idea of responding to certain thoughts is better i think. It gives a better insight into specific things that might hit a chord with the person replying.

'I guess I wind up writing long posts a lot because I try to explain things as best I can. I know it seems easy for someone to say...work through
the grief, etc. etc. What they are saying is right but my first thoughts are HOW? What do I do? I try to think of examples to help cause I figure obviously if we knew what to do...we would probably do it. Another one is advising not to hold it in. Again...a good thing to say BUT then the questions are: How do I not do that? How do I let it out? I try and anticipate questions when I say something and then try to give as many different examples as I can think of because since in some ways, our way of dealing with our grief is not identical but many things may be the same and whatever strikes the right chord..is the right thing to say. Like I have said before....One Size Does Not Fit ALL...... so I guess different examples are like different "sizes" and hopefully one fits the best.'
--
And i think its great that you write such longs posts!..No one can fault you for that.
It just shows how much of a caring person you are.
And your right...Their are always questions and thoughts after a piece of advice or a few words. 'Why?', 'How?', 'When?'...
I dont think anyone is capable of saying something that would illiminate any questions or doubt afterwards...
But the people (you) that try to anticipate any questions or doubt afterwards...Well they are truly caring people.

'About your comment...I don't believe anything stood in the way of any possible signs. Because I believe if it is not their time to go...we will be shown the signs and we will react by checking things out. There is no ignorance here...'
--
And if it truly is their time to leave, their's nothing we can do about it right?...
I can see and understand your way of thinking their...And i'm envious..
I wish i could look upon it like that..But being 'me', i just cant.
I question everything, try to &%^yse everything.
the day after my Raggs passed i battled against myself going on the net and looking into acute kidney failure in dogs..
Part of me said 'just leave it! You'll torture yourself!'...But the bigger part needed some answers..I WANTED to know if their was anything i could of done, any signs..And part of me also felt that..I wanted to feel the torture of doing it.
Long story short, i learned alot...And nothing about it was good or reassuring.

'So for Raggs to seem better the next day makes sense and we always want to feel they are okay so until they really show us different, we have to assume they are okay. '
--
Thats right. The days he was puking, two days before he passed, i was so worried. And yet the thought of him going anywhere, the thought of death, didnt even enter my mind. He was sick and i was worried, thats it.
the day after (a month today), when he was ok, i felt such relief and happiness. We were together all day that day with me on a high that he was better the whole time.
And the next day he was gone.
Thinking about how worried i was one day,
then happy and relieved the day after,
only to have it stomped on the next...It makes me a little angry. I feel like i was robbed.

'but as one Mom here said: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him (I know I have said this before...but I just can't say it enough...these are such strong words...they strike home in all of us...and remembering that it is the joy of knowing him that should shape our lives...helps the healing.)'
--
And i think of that saying every day. And for a few moments, yes, it does bring comfort.

'For all of us...there is no different country.....for we all live in the special "country"
where these babies live..and they are everywhere'
--
That is a nice country .

'See..you said consciously you don't see it but just above that...your reply to Sissy shows your thinking is changing and when you really think about it..like above..well, you can see it, I believe.'
--
Yeah i guess your right...Maybe i am developing an understanding, even if i dont see it myself..
I just hope that i can..fully 'feel' it in time.
If that makes sense?...

'It is okay to cry....to just sit and totally break down. I type here so many times through tears...although they are tears for the people I am writing to...thinking of their pain. By myself....I can sit and cry but that's okay and I can let myself do that from time to time...after all I lost someone who meant so much in my life...I could never really find the words to describe that relationship.'
--
I understand completely that it is ok to cry. Most of the time i cant stop it or help it anyway...And i dont really think i would want to.
It's only when i breakdown in front of someone face to face that i have a problem with. But luckily, i very rarely get the chance to do so.
I too have tried to think of words that would do justice in describing my relationship with Raggs...But i've realised that words alone could never do it justice...

'Someday you could think about a Tribute in that Section..like I did with
my Little Guy in Pictures...you can start a topic there and post pictures....everyone loves pictures cause they know and
remember themselves that pictures are when these sweethearts are feeling good...and it is nice to remember them feeling good.'
--
Yeah, maybe someday i will...But right now it just feels..'unreal'...The thought of me posting a thread in the tribute section...
To be honest, me doing that at the moment would kinda' seem like...another goodbye...I know its a tribute section, i.e. a tribute to them..But to me it would seem like more of 'another goodbye'
And that 'another goodbye' would play against the part of me that just refuses to grasp that he has gone..
And i'm a little scared of reliasing 100% that he has gone..
And so posting in that section might...actually bring it all rushing home to me. all 100%
And that i'm afraid of.
If any of that makes sense..

I enjoyed looking through your tribute pages to your Little Guy. He is beautiful.
And seemed to get everywhere .

'I think I have to go back to the old way....this is too much stop and go...so anyway, that's why this post looks different but as long as we understand each other...I think I'll go back to what I was doing in separating when I was quoting..and maybe someday I'll learn how to italic it as you do so nicely but I don't know how.'
--
Its perfecty ok. Whichever way of posting is easier for you, i'll understand.

Thankyou for your kind words Judy.

Best Wishes

[justme]

Judy,


'...Did you ever think that if it was not his time to go....something would have caught your eye about him..and even if it was not enough to ask a vet about..'
--
Ugh'...I just dont know...
I just think that..Their was more i could of done.
He pulled me back from the brink of death...I cant accept that their wasn't something, ANYTHING i could of done for him, to bring HIM back from that brink.
He saved me...But i couldnt do the same for him. And that aspect willl always hang over me.

But i'm prepared...I'm ready to carry that with me. And i can handle that.
So lets not mention that again.

'Did all your research tell you something you feel you would have done differently...even if you did not notice anything wrong?['/i]
--
My research told me that their are (were) signs with kidney failure in dogs

[i]'Let's make that...a LOT angry. You WERE robbed. That's the cruel part of life I'll never understand but I understand your feelings.'
--
Ok yes...a lot angry..
My wall is proof.

'Yes, but then you do.....cause you are saying more and more that you can understand..what is being said. Whenever you say..I can understand that.... well, there you are...it wouldn't be understood if you didn't 'feel' it. That's why it makes sense to you. See your next sentence...I just read it and came back here to point it out.'
--
Thats right, i can understand what is being said...Because it makes sense.
But to me...Their is a 'slight' difference in understanding something then passing it on knowing that you understand it, to understanding something, an understanding which truly...stirs up a 'Feeling' inside of you..

ugh' i'm probably so out their with that one...

Please dont get me wrong, Their are things that have been said to me here, by yourself and by others, that have truly 'stired up' a real feeling of understanding..

'I agree that words are inadequate to describe the relationship. The closest that comes to mind would be something like...simply... He is my Best Friend.... and then I remember a small postcard I got from the vet one day as a reminder card and I tacked it up to a wall ....it is a picture of a dog and and a kitten sitting together in a patio chair and the caption reads....
A Friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.'
--
Or just...'magical'...thats all i can muster now.
...That sounds like a nice postcard...
I dont know if i will get anything from the vet's office tommorow...It being just a month and all..
Never thought about it.

'Yeah, it makes sense. It is very very new.. I believe you said a month today and that today is the 6th where you are and here it is the 5th.
I guess when it has only been a short time, it is easier for us to remember the daily moments being together and that just hurts so much..that it is not happening anymore. In time, our daily routine changes...naturally...and then it is not as obvious so many times a day as it was'
--
A month to the day in...15 minutes here...The 6th.
My daily routine revolved around my Raggs.
Since the 6th...Their just isn't a routine anymore...Their doesnt seem to be anything...'grounded' anymore.
Nothing set, everything is up in the air.
Another reason why i wish the summer away and it was September already...
I need to have some sort of routine to keep me grounded...Without one i feel vulnerable and...'open'
I'm sure their are small routines still in place..But their just too small enough to matter.

'I did my Tributes when I felt ready and I guess for me I felt putting his pictures there ...it is my way of not letting go...for everytime I go there to visit'
--
We seem to be at opposites their...Your tribute to your Little Guy is your way of not letting go...
Me posting a tribute, i'm afraid i'll let go...

'and in the other Tribute with his twin brother, Keeper, I smile when I see how alike they were..I just never imagined having twins'
--
Twins!?...wow, how special...I'll be sure to check them out.

'Well, hopefully this post looks neater as I tried setting your comments out separate from mine using italics (I hope).'
--
Yes, i understood perfectly .

'it might help to also remember that this is not the Month it happened so at least you cannot say...Today is the day..hopefully it makes the date hurt a little less. (I look for 'straws' wherever I can
find them). '
--
Yeah your right...I will try to remember that, thankyou.

'Special hugs to Raggs ......I know you are listening.....for I will always say again....there can only exist a Heaven if you babies are
there and as one Dad or Mom said....if you are not in Heaven then I want to go where you are'
--
ugh'...Thankyou so much, he says through tears.

And yes, their is only one idea of 'Heaven' in my eyes...

Thankyou Judy

Best wishes.

[justme]

To my son, Raggs..

Well it's been a month my boy, since you left...
Its poring with rain again...Just like it did exactly one month ago..

Those 15 glorious years we spent together...They weren't long enough
I still remember the first time our eyes locked and we got our first good look at each other...
You were beautiful..And always were...Just a young pup then...So energetic and full of life...You couldnt wait to jump out of my Dad's arms and greet everybody...And greet you did, lots of playful licking and jumping around everyone and everything.
That day, we started our lives together...
And what a life it was wasn't it'...Growing up together.

You gave me so many gifts Raggs, so many incredible feelings that i never thought i was capable of feeling or recieving from anyone or anything...
Just watching you sleep in your favourite corner or sloped under my legs against the couch, made my heart flutter.
I can still feel my hand running through your fur...So soft.

I loved the way you would never really fully close your eyes when i was with you...Just incase you missed out on something...Even if i just got up and walked through to the kitchen, you would jump up and follow right behind me...Then sit staring at me in the kitchen waiting patiently until i was done...Then follow me back through to the living room.
I know how you hate to miss out on anything..
And i loved you for it..
Like so many other things..

You got me through so many hard times Raggs, we both know what i mean.
You gave me the strength and meaning to carry on, on so many occasions over the years.
A reason to get up in the morning...
A reason to look forward to comming home...
For giving 'home' a meaning...
So many my son...
And the big one...For loving me, for me...

And for that Raggs...A 'thankyou' can never be enough..
It never will..

Just know that...You've only ever been a minute away from my mind and never away from my heart.
A piece of my heart will forever be yours my son...
For 15 years it has been yours and it always will be...

I miss you so much son.

Hopefully one day we will be together again...That day can't come soon enough.
If you are in a special place my son, i hope you are well and most of all...
I hope you are happy.


I love you my son..I love you so much words cant describe..
And i always will..Forever and always.

Your best friend, Steve..





Forever your's son..

[havana]

Hello again justme or sure I say Steve? I just finished reading your last post and I felt the pain you are feeling just as mine. The love we feel for our sons "like someone told me once" is out of this world it sure is, while reading at the end saw the beautiful picture and anderstood I was not alone on this and start it craying alot for you and for me. The way you expressed your self it felt like also was made for me too, like you were telling me exactly how I feel, thank you for allow me to remember one more time my Son Buster, I seems like I can not leave withour him, take care my friend, will be here always for you if you need me, a big hug, Jorge That was just so beautiful, thanks.

[justme]

Oh, what a BEAUTIFUL letter to Raggs! You did a fantastic job putting it all together and all your thoughts were so wonderful.

And your picture of Raggs.....Thank you for finding that one. What a gorgeous boy. When you are ready...I can't think of a better avatar picture so you and everyone can look into those eyes every time you post anywhere.

Just an wonderful, wonderful tribute. I loved reading every word of it...and I will again, I know.

This is really your one month time and you said you would do something special...for Raggs..

and he is truly listening to every single word....for that's what Angels do.

Hugs to both of you, today and everyday....

Judy

Judy,

Thankyou.
It was so difficult writing what i did...It was all their in my mind but..Getting it out and actually typing it was very hard.

But i wanted to do it.

Yeah, the picture is just...I'm lost for words when i look at it. At him.

I'm still exhausted, sorry.

Thankyou for reading Judy.

[justme]

Hello again justme or sure I say Steve? I just finished reading your last post and I felt the pain you are feeling just as mine. The love we feel for our sons "like someone told me once" is out of this world it sure is, while reading at the end saw the beautiful picture and anderstood I was not alone on this and start it craying alot for you and for me. The way you expressed your self it felt like also was made for me too, like you were telling me exactly how I feel, thank you for allow me to remember one more time my Son Buster, I seems like I can not leave withour him, take care my friend, will be here always for you if you need me, a big hug, Jorge That was just so beautiful, thanks.

Hello Jorge, Yes you can call me Steve.

You right, you are not alone on this.

When i first came here, i was directed to your thread.
I read every one of your posts and slowly realised that i wasn't alone.
So i'm glad that you reading my message to Raggs, you realised too that you are not alone..

My message to Raggs was the hardest thing i've ever written...It left me crying uncontroably yet again.
But i'm just glad that it allowed you to remember your son Buster.

You take care too Jorge,
I'm here too if you need me.
And again, thankyou.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Steve, I just read through your letter to Raggs, and it deeply touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Raggs is playing with the angels until it is your appropriate time to resume your rightful role in your precious son's eternal life. Until then, it is one day at a time, Steve. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam