My Kady................... Options

[kadybear]

As I sit here typing, tears are rolling down my face. My 12 year old yellow lab, Kady is laying here at my feet sleeping peacefully, unaware of the terrible decision I am trying to make. She was diagnosed 3 months ago with a malignant tumor underneath her tongue. The vet said she could have surgery, but didnt know what quality of life she would have afterwards. We decided against the surgery, and we have tried to make her life as easy and pain free as we could. She has not seemed to have any pain so far, but other issues have come about: she has a bad odor, she also has a constant drooling problem, and she has difficulty eating and drinking and we've had to help her with that by changing what she eats. This last week she has had several "accidents", which she hasnt done since she was a 6 week old puppy. She mostly just lays around sleeping. My partner thinks Kady's expression, the way she looks at her sometimes, is telling her "its time". We dont want to do it before she's ready to go, but we also dont want to wait until she's in pain, or until her quality of life is not what it should be. I am so tired of crying, and I cant seem to stop. How do I know what to do? I love her so much, and I dont want her to suffer, and I dont want her to be depressed. How long do I wait until I let her go? I'm not even sure I can be there when it happens. My worst fear is that she will be afraid, and I dont think I could handle that. I'm not sure I can be in the room when it happens, but I feel so guilty about NOT being with her. This is the most painful thing I have ever been through in my life. I'm 58 years old and I have had many furbabies, but Kady is the love of my life and she helped me through many bad days. I dont know what I'm going to do without her. I wish someone else could make this horrible decision for me.
Vicki in Houston

[AlleysMama]

Vicki

I wish I had some words to comfort you. I know how hard that decision is to make. I don't know if there is any one way to know when the "time is right". You just have to follow your heart. Kady can't speak, so you have to speak for her, and decide for her. Animals suffer so much more than we realize sometimes. Sometimes they are in pain, or weak, or sick and we don't even know it because they seem so normal. I wasn't able to be with my Alley when she got sick and had to go by what the vet and my family were telling me, about how sick she was, etc. If I had been there, I would have known, seeing the pictures now, and how sick she looks. I debated for about 24 hours on the decisions but there is one thing that made up my mind for me easily. I couldn't let her suffer. no matter what. She didn't understand why I wasn't there. She didn't understand what was happening to her, and I know she wouldn't have understood why she was hurting and nobody was doing anything about it.

As for whether you can be in there with Kady.. if you think you would be too upset and cause more stress and upset to kady then maybe you shouldn't go in with her. Again, thats a decision only you can make.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and Kady. Just know that we are here for you, no matter what happens.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Vicki,

Firstly, I'm so sorry you, too, are having to make these difficult decisions, on behalf of Kady. They're never easy, but that's because we love our furkids so and so they shouldn't be easy.

As with humans, pain mitigation is an important issue, but with animals, sometimes it IS harder to tell. In this, those who know their animals best are the ones best able to determine, by their baby's behaviour, just how much they may need some pain medication or not. Talking to your vet about the symptoms, signals and signs of pain is often helpful in weeding out how bad, or not, it is for them. You can also read the "Quality of Life" article posted in the Resource section here, to gain some valuable insights into the factors that need pondering. As for sleeping, if they're still doing that comfortably, then I'd tend to think it's not time yet. Ill people and animals, and old ones, often sleep a lot more, too.

Personally, I'm one to try and compare such things, as best I can, with many human dramas during illness or dying. I take the stance that many humans go through the same things in illness, but if they seem relatively content even with some pain or mobility or eating issues, and still wish to continue living for some time, then why wouldn't a furbaby? For instance, my own Mother was in terrible shape, yet still wasn't ready to leave....a final stroke decided it FOR her. I didn't jump the gun on our own girl, and waited until it was obvious it was a losing battle. I considered her behaviours carefully and even though she wasn't terribly active in her last few days, she was still enjoying certain habitual routines enough for me to see that she wasn't ready to leave just yet. I didn't want to have heavy doubts after about taking her life too soon. Nor did I want to make her suffer unduly, not wanting to let her go. But as organs start to fail, you'll see signs that let you know her time is approaching. How soon or how long is individual. There's also the possibility that she will go naturally, w/o needing help, if there's no big sign of pain issues.

I'm normally quite a fearful person, especially when it came to my kidlets, but I mustered the courage to be there in every way possible for my girl, because I knew w/o a doubt that she not only wanted, but fully expected me to. I also would never have wanted to suffer more afterwards with the guilt of NOT being there. To ME, that would be worse than whatever else I might have to live with. So for me, there really wasn't any question, as I would also want my own family to be there for me were I dying. But, having said that, it's still a very individual choice. If it helps, although I had much fair warning, I was still in so much shock that that helped numb the worst of the feelings and made it easier to focus on only my girl's needs. I knew I'd have plenty of time afterwards to focus only on myself and so I gave her my all. This is just my experience talking, and everyone has to make up their own mind for themselves. But I can tell you that, having listened to those here who couldn't be there.....I'm glad I was, disturbing images and all. I couldn't imagine doing it any other way, for both my babies' sakes and my own.

For deciding when, you might also try asking yourself in advance....how would I feel if someone else made this decision? Would I resent them, or even hate them, if I thought they'd made the 'wrong' one? Could I live with someone else's decision, over my best judgement? None of us WANT to make these choices, but we're forced into it at some point because we love our babies. So my advise would be to think and feel your way through your love for Kady, because whatever we decide, we do it out of that love, and that's never wrong.

I also believe that our babies do know what's going on, around them and with themselves and their people. I'd always been honest with my own, believing wholeheartedly that I couldn't have fooled them even if I'd wanted to, and that they fully understood what to expect as long as I explained everything to them. So you might even talk to Kady and let her know your feelings and thoughts, both good and bad, and the choices you both face, and even try asking her if she'll show you, in a way that will be clear for YOU (cuz she knows you, too!) when she feels it's her time. Many people say that this has worked for them.

I'm sorry you've had to join the ranks of those of us who are going through, and have gone through, all that dying and death brings. But as Alley's Mama said, we'll be here for you, no matter what because that's why we're here, too. Our mutual support is what gets us through, every step of the way.

[ryancat]

Dear Vicky,I am so sorry you are going thur such a difficult time right now.I wish there was something I could say to you to help you with this decision.It is never an easy thing to decide when it is right to let them go.I know what your going thur....my boy Sox had to be put to sleep back in Oct.He had feline diabetes and also kidney failure.We had to make that awful choice to put him to sleep and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.I think you need to ask yourself a few questions to know when it is the right time to let go.First off,what is his quality of life? Is he able to enjoy the things that have always made him happy? Can he still get around by himself? Does he seem to be in pain? Sometimes an animal will hide the fact that they are not feeling well because they don't want to worry you.I think my Sox did that because we never knew that anything was wrong with him until the day he passed away.He hid his pain from us because he loved us and he didn't want us to hurt.As for being in the room when it is done that is a personal decision that only you can make.You'll know when it happens if you have the strength to be there.I personally couldn't stay in the room when my kitty was put to sleep,I had my husband stay in there with him,I was just too upset.I didn't want to upset him any more than he already was.I wanted him to remember me in a good light.I know you want what is best for your beloved pet but please don't wait too long to make the decision.It is one that is made out of unconditional love and it is a very hard thing to do but you love him and you don't want him to suffer anymore than he already has.I wish I could say more but I hope it helps to know there are others who have gone thur the same thing that you are going thur right now and that we understand how difficult it is.......please let us know how things are going with you.We care and I hope you find the strength you need to get you thur this awful time in your life.Sincerely,Renee (Sox' mom)

[Furry's mum]

Dear Vicki,
I'm so sorry to hear about Kady. Could the vet come to your house when it's time, that way it might be easier for you to be with her?
Judith

[missingbailey]

thinking of you and wondering how kady is today. my heart is heavy for you...

[missingbailey]

wondering how you are and if you have made any decisions....give kady a rub for me.......

[michelles kitty]

just checking in to see how your doing and to see how kady's doing..