A Broken Heart For Christmas, I lost my dear cat just before dawn Options

[lynda]

My baby would have been 17 years old this spring. He was always so healthy and looked so good...I couldn't have known that this was going to happen.

Last month he began to lose some weight and was eating poorly, but after a vet check he seemed to be doing better with antibiotics for a bladder or kidney infection and some medication to help an overactive thyroid. Then late Christmas Eve he seemed to take a turn for the worse. For the sake of the sensitive and loving people who are reading I will not say how I could tell this...it was bad.

We rushed to the Emergency Clinic, where they placed him on IV fluids and began checking for whatever could be wrong. At 4:30 am the doctor called and said that on the ultrasounds and radiographs she had found cancer all spread through his lungs and upper body. They could keep doing more, but I had to say no, just please leave his IV in place because that would save him from having to have another needle. So about 5:00 am, I stayed with him, with his head cupped in my hand, and the vet slipped the euthanasia drug into the IV port. I told him I loved him so much, and that he was going to a place where there was no hurt, ever, and not to worry, I would see him again someday. I spoke the names of his loved ones who had passed away before him and promised him that he would see them.

Right now I wish that I could have gone with him. But better I hurt than my baby who deserved no hurt in all this world.

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[xrayspex]

I know you are in terrible pain right now. I have felt this just recently November past when I lost my baby Chase. So here we are...the living that pines for our dead little loved ones. This place is full of woe, but that is its greatest gift as well. We tell "our story" then "pour out the emotion" as the monsters, anger, guilt and sadness barge into our lives destroying anything that was normal about them. But then, as you write & cry, you heal a little more each day...sometimes you don't even realize it...but you do. This place will help you do that. It is a caring place that empathises about what you think and feel because you have something in common with us....Something warm & wonderful has been ripped from you by the spectre of doom as it has done to all of us here. We can never be the same. But we will always remember them and because of that...they are imortal in a sense....and even the doom cannot take THAT away from us.

[AlleysMama]

Lynda,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand how you feel. It was three weeks ago today that I had to have my baby girl Alley put down. She had a fatal blood parasite that was killing her painfully. She was only 9 years old. I had to make the decisions to have her euthanized, but I did it because if I hadn't, her end would have been very painful, and like you said, better we hurt, than them.

I still cry every time I think about her and look at her pictures, but I don't cry 24/7 like I did at first. I'm hoping someday, I can look at her pictures and think of her, without being so sad. That day will come for you and your kitty also. He was a beautiful cat, and he knew he was loved. I am out of state and wasnt able to be there with Alley, so I envy you those last moments.

Perhaps, wherever they are, he has found Alley and they are keeping eachother company, until we can be with them again.

[boatlady13]

Hello Lynda:

Your cat was just beautiful and I even think you looked alot alike! I can't express myself as well as John, he does it so eloquently however know you are not alone in your pain. We are all here to help you through this horrible loss. My Miss Ellie took a turn for the worse and it was a nightmare to watch her suffer even for one minute. I find comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering and is in peace.

I believe as each day passes our broken hearts are able to heal a little more. Though permanenty scarred from the loss of our beloved to know we can love is to love once more. If we hadn't loved our animals so much the pain of losing them would be insignificant.

Hang in there, cry when you need to cry, take care of yourself, nuture your inner child as she too is mourning heavily for the loss of her cat.

[ryancat]

Lynda,I'm so sorry for your loss.What was your kitty's name? He was so beautiful and I love that picture you posted.Right now you are still in shcok over losing your baby but I can honestly say that time does make it easier to deal with.My boy Sox passed away on Oct. 13th and every day it gets a little bit easier to manage.I still have times where I want to go off by myself and cry and I do that but most times I can remember him with a smile and maybe even a laugh...Give yourself time to grief and don't let anyone tell you when it's time to get over it.Only you will know when you've had enought time.I don't think we ever really get over we just learn how to live with it because we have no other choice to go on.I know your baby knew that you loved him and you gave him a good home and a good life.Try to remember all the love you shared and the good times and don't focus on his last day.My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you'll continue to come here and share alittle bit more about your sweet kitty.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[Moose Mom]

Oh lynda

Your baby was so handsome! What eyes he had. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I well know the just wanting to follow them, it would be so much eaiser for us. Take comfort from knowing he knew you were with him and he was listening to you tell him where he was going. It's good that there are others there to meet him. You were so lucky to have him 17 years.

Try to think of all the good memories you have of him, not the bad stuff that happened. It's hard I know but the good so outweighed the bad.

We lost our Moustache kitty 2 months ago. He was only 10. It's so hard to lose them. I felt your love for your baby in every line of your post.

Thinking of you
Lori

[Ken Albin]

Your beautiful cat looks just like our Luvey who was adopted a year ago. I don't even want to think what losing Luvey would be like so I have a feeling what you are going through right now. Know that you gave a good life to your little one and had the chance to say goodbye. May your pain lessen and the good memories continue as time goes by.

[Precious' mom]

Lynda,
Please accept my condolences for you and your family. Having a cat that long is like having a child, and when they take ill and then die it's terribly hard to cope. My Precious was aged 19 years 3 days when he died this past August. He was healthy too and then all of a sudden became ill and was then diagnosed with cancer in the lungs. He died nearly three weeks afterwards. I was very heartbroken and then I discovered this group, this family of people from all areas of the globe and all walks of life who went through the same thing. All of us have endured so much but we're still healing and some of us have even added to our furry families. I adopted Patches, another cat, a little over a month after Precious died and am convinced Precious sent him to me, he has so many of his qualities and sweetness!
Please know your baby may be gone physically but the bond you shared still endures. Never forget that! Precious still sends so many signs to me. He finally appeared in a dream on New Year's (after being gone almost five months) but loves to communicate by sending signs like birds and songs on the radio. Bonds like that can't be broken by physical death, cats and other animals DO have souls. I hope yours will communicate too, it brings such peace and comfort.
God be with you!
Lisa

[My Buddy]

Dear Lynda, I am so sorry for your pain, I feel it myself as our dear buddy and pal passed away on the same morning of Christmas, although I am sure you would agree it didn't matter the day it happens its always bad, the vet mentioned that it was too bad that it was Christmas, well I just looked at him as to me it didn't matter the day, anyway I am rambling but I definantly feel your pain. Their suffering is so awful, that is what helps me right now, knowing that his pain is over, and I also told him we would see each other again, I am hoping he could hear me, I think so...anyway take care Lynda.... Hrudey's Mom, (I even have a hard time writing this because it makes it all the more real)

[lynda]

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded here. I wrote to each of you individually, but I would like to come back here and tell you that I don't know where I would be without you. It has been two weeks now, and I have visited these forums almost every night. I wish I could have had this kind of support for the other times...Larry was the last kittie left in my original group of five, who saw me through many years of living "alone" in a strange new place.

You see I moved halfway across the country in '88 to take a good job, because there were none in the area where my family lives. Long story short, it was very lonely and scary, but these babies were my comfort and joy. Little Larry was only six weeks old when he was given to me, and so small he fit in the palm of my hand. The neighbor family who gave him to me was amazed by how loving and sensitive he was, even at such a young age. And from Day One, we were very, very close. Together Larry and I adopted more kitties and he took care of them all with such tender loving care that no one could believe it unless they saw the photos. I developed some painful health issues in the early '90's that Larry helped me tremendously with. He loved to cuddle next to me, and I found during this time that he had the ability to reduce pain this way. He did not seem to take the pain to himself, like an empath does, but he seemed to be able to channel it away from me. Some people don't believe this, but it was true.

The passing of this dear cat has felt like my heart has been cut out. I have many others to care for and I simply must go on, for their sake, but I feel that a large percentage of me is just gone, as cold and lifeless as that sweet snow-white head that I held and kissed and finally, finally, had to lay on the table and leave. I don't know where I would be without your loving responses.

It's not getting better, but it is becoming different. I'm going to make it of course because I have more babies to love and they need me. They are all precious, but there just will never be another Larry. Thank you all and I will be keeping in touch here for some time.

Lynda

[AlleysMama]

Lynda -

I too moved halfway across the country, becaue there was no job, no life in the little town I lived in. The difference was, I couldnt' bring my Alley with me and lost her before I could bring her here.

As with your gorgeous Larry, there will never be another just like them. Will I be able to love another kitty again? i'm sure I will. I can't imagine my life without one. But they will never be my Alley.

Like you, its becoming different, not better, but different. i don't cry all day long now, just at night when I lay there trying to sleep. Or when I think about her too much.

We will get through this together. Somehow.

[Moose Mom]

Lynda

I do think Larry took away your pain. Not sure how, but they can do it. He was such a special cat.

My Butch kitty helped me raise kittens too, he could teach manners better than I could.

Two weeks, such a hard time. For me the first week was the worst. Then things were so odd for a month. It's a process and I'm not sure things do 'get better'. I like how you said thing are becoming different. I'm at two months and I feel more calm more often. I don't get so nuts with grief as often. I'm more accepting even though I don't want to be.

I can find joy again, and I can remember the good times more. That will happen for you too.

Thinking of you and Larry
Lori

[lynda]

Paula and Lori, thank you so much for your words of comfort, I know that both of you are suffering so terribly for the loss of your babies but you have both been so good to me. Paula, I know that Larry felt your love when you named him in your One Month anniversary candle lighting. He always knew and felt these things. Thank you, and I want you to know that you and Alley are in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, we will somehow get through this. Lori, you have reminded me of one of the good memories: Larry teaching manners to little kittens. You know how little ones don't know how to play without scratching...well, I remember now how Larry would gently bite their little hands when they scratched him in playing, just enough to let them know it was bad play etiquette. He would shut his eyes tight to protect them from the little needle-claws and do this, with the sweetest grin on his face as if he thought that was the funniest thing. I had not thought of this recently until you mentioned the manners.

I'm not quite there yet, but I feel that soon I will be able to post some pictures. I have to scan them, they are all film photos, and that is the part that I haven't been able to do yet. As yet I just can't make myself do this but I'm getting there. Thank you again for your support, it has been of greater value than I can ever tell you.

[AlleysMama]

Lynda,

I'm glad that we are able to help you with this in some small way. I did think of your Larry last night when I lit the candle and kept it buring all evening. I could almost feel him and Alley and all the other babies watching me. I plan to do this on every month anniversary for Alley.

What a great story about Larry training the kittens not to bite. Isn't it amazing how they do things like that? Alley ignored other cats or kittens. She didn't fight with them any more than she liked them, they just didn't exist to her, because she wasn't a cat! It would have been beneath her dignity. How silly she was. I miss her so.

[Moose Mom]

Lynda

You are very welcome for anything I said that helped you. When I help others I help myself too. The great thing about this site is that we can help each other. I would love to see more pictures of Larry, when you are up to getting it done.

Oh I love the story of Larry bitting kittens hands, teaching them manners! He enjoyed his job, and I bet he did think it was funny. It's so cute to see a big male kitty talking care of kittens. Butch was so patient with the kittens, I loved to see it. I miss it so much, and the kittens I've had since he passed on 10 years ago are NOT so well mannered.

Love
Lori

[lynda]

This little red kitten in Larry's arms was Atticus, the first child we adopted together. Atticus was in the animal shelter in a nearby town, and a co-worker of mine who visited there came and told me about him. She was crying because she had too many pets already and could not help him. I went to see him the next day. He saw me, and put both arms through the kennel bars to reach for me. I held his little hands and told him not to worry, his forever-mom had come to him. Carefully I opened the cage door and took him in my hands. He snuggled with his little head under my chin, and that was that, we were bonded.

Atticus had no tail whatsoever...his spine did not even come all the way to the end of his body. He was what the breeders call a "barebum" Manx. There are people who breed cats to achieve this, but it is actually a serious deformity...these cats can have special problems. The vet I was seeing at the time was concerned that this kitten might develop health issues because of his genetic background...he told me that people who don't know what they are doing breed these cats at home to sell, but that they produce a lot of weak individuals. Oh well, it was too late to change my mind, he was my fur son.

Early on, people asked me why I named him Atticus, and when he was really little, I used to say that the name is from the ancient Greek city of Attica. It was my understanding that people in this city were dedicated to living their best and highest selves. The word is where we get our word "attic", the highest room. What's that got to do with it? They'd ask. And I would try to explain that it was pretty obvious to me that this little golden-red creature was from a higher plane of existence. Later, when Atticus got older, people asked me if I had named him after Atticus Finch, the courageous lawyer and tender family man in To Kill a Mockingbird. I went along with that, too. This kitten grew up to be the one who was the Peacemaker, who saw the good in every fur-stranger and welcomed them to their new home far better than I could have done. I have quite a few photos of him meeting and calming the most frightened and annoyed new cats.

My Larry was his foster daddy, his mentor, and his teacher of manners. I have mourned Atticus now almost five long years. He was never physically strong. Two years before his passing, the vet and I thought we had solved some of his problems by surgery. He was forming crystals in his urine which began to block his urinary tract, and we gave him the operation that widens and shortens the neck of the bladder. He did very, very well for two years and then quite suddenly his kidneys began to fail. My grief is still huge for him. But now Larry and his little one are together at the Rainbow Bridge.

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[vizsla-angel]

Lynda,
After seeing all your lovey pics of Larry with his glowing white fur, in this one it finally hit me -- Larry was an earthbound angel. I can just see the love between him and Atticus.

What a great Mom you are to help out little Atticus even after the vet's warning of possible health problems. On behalf of everyone here on the forum, I'd like to say we are proud to have you as part of our "family". If you've ever wondered how you ended up with such wonderful cats in your life, it's because they've obviously ended up with a wonderful mom as part of the deal.

Take good care of yourself.
Peace&Love
V

[5catsmom]

Lynda,
That first picture of Larry was so great - he has this oh-so-dignified, gentlemanly demeanor that is priceless. I can understand how his leaving could be so devastating to you, especially under those cir%%stances. And I can't express enough my admiration for your determination to go on for your other babies that you and Larry shared. So many times I come to this site to help make myself feel better when I'm hurting for some loss or other - there have been several through the past year - and with your story, and your words, I feel such a sense of hope and grat*itude.

My condolences for the loss of Larry - he sounds like a truly special cat, almost human in so many ways. More people could use his loving personality. It gives me a warm feeling that such animals choose to share their lives with us.

And, my thanks for sharing his story with us. I've personally appreciated your words of wisdom and sharing. Thank you, for giving in your time of grief. Larry chose a special person to share his life with, as did you, and as you continue to do so. Take care - Barbara

[AlleysMama]

What a wonderful story and I love the picture of Larry snuggling Atticus. Like you, I have lost other cats and grieve for them to this day. But none were so hard to let go as Alley. Like your Larry, she was just special and always will be.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

lynda,

Your stories and pictures of you and Larry, Larry, and Atticus are just so precious...as is the huge love and homelife you all shared together, with each other. (and yes!, you and Larry are spittin' images of one another!...probably in more ways than one!) It is so obvious that you all belonged together. I can just FEEL the gentleness eminating from all of you (no, I'm not just trying to be 'poetic' here...I can really feel it) and it's clear you all taught each other so much and were meant to be together.

Atticus may not have been physically strong, but he was most certainly spiritually strong, just as his human mom is. If you weren't, you wouldn't have rescued (and kept) him. And you DO deserve a medal for choosing to take on the challenges his challenges presented. You named him well.....OR, he told you what he'd like to be called!

Like you, I've lost 2 of the most precious souls to have ever lived, to both cancer and kidney failure. Sabin had the cancer; Nissa had the kidney failure. And with Sabin being a black boy (with a white tip on the end of his tail...seems to be quite a rare marking), and Nissa being all grey, someone like Larry would have been the perfect completion of such a trio....white, grey, black...all tones of life's lessons. I've often wondered if their sister (who was adopted out by herself before I first saw them) was all white.....And like you as well, I had some very painful health problems, also during the 90's, which Sabin and Nissa helped me greatly with. Sabin could relax me in a split second when he'd spoon with me and I could truly FEEL his aura, merging with mine, as we lay with each other....so yes, I believe many animals can mitigate our pain issues....some taking it on for us, some somehow diverting it into space.

Special darlings, all....and I suppose we are, too...for actively choosing to love them as we did, still do, and always will. If you listen very peacefully to your heart, I'm sure you can still feel their unique energies still....right.....there, with you always.