Living In A Fog, i miss my boy Options

[barnum's mom]

he was special. i know we all think that about our babies but i think everyone who knew barnum knew he was special.

he lived to be 13 years and 18 days old. in that time he cheated death three times to stay with me. once at age 4 when he survived a stroke, once at age 8 when he survived a bout of severe anemia with no diagnosed cause, and once at age 11 when he ate carpet which never passed and was in his system for 27 days before the specialist finally discovered it. he was special.

what finally felled him was our decision to let him go. the impairments he suffered from the stroke when he was four were magnifying as they were compounded by age and arthritis. for a year and a half, his mobility lessened a little every week. it became a regular topic of coversation the last six months as we tried to determine that definate point in time when there were more bad days than good. i'm still not sure we got that right. he exhibited no definable signs of pain or discomfort from the increasing number of falls and the decreasing desire to get up on his own. you could tell that it was getting hard for him to get up, and at times you could tell that he had trouble getting comfortable. but there were never any signs of pain.

the colder weather was taking its toll. we picked a date. we followed through. but i will always wonder if it was too soon. i have every confidence that - at the time of his final breath - he didn't understand why we were letting him go. it haunts me all the time - as does the gigantic void in my life.

that was december 18. 26 days ago. it is incomprehensible that i have been on this earth without him for that long. i can't even wrap my mind around it.

i can remember his smell, his smile, his sounds, his warmth. even when i am doing other things - a measurable percentage of my brain power is thinking about him - how much i miss him. how much i am sorry for letting him go. how much i need him. how much i love him. how much he made my life a better and richer experience.

i'm getting in over my head at work because i cannot shake the fog. i'm a cpa - it's our crazy time. i've got 13 weeks of 60 hour marathons ahead of me. two weeks in i'm scared i'm going to collapse under the weight of my dispair.

i read on these message board about people who think they hear or see their loved ones, or how they dream about their loved ones. but i have had none of those experiences. i envy those people. i cannot sleep without aide, i cannot think without distraction, i cannot smile without tears. i feel as though i am coming undone.

i don't know how to move into the next phase of this. i just feel guilt and dispair all the time. i see no remedy, no end in sight. just varying levels of faking my life - none of them passing - just lame attempts to pose as a person among the living, wishing i was with my departed son.

Barnum's Tribute

[JOANNE]

Barnum's Mom
I saw that Beautiful majestic Barnum on the In Memory site. My Raggs is there too. It has been 6mos (July5th) that Raggs was put to sleep. I like you did not think Icould live one day without him. Time has taken the fresh hurt away. At first I really just felt dead inside and it lasted a couple of months. Come here and write as it helped me just to relieve the pain. I use to write in a journal and it helped to put down my feelings.At this site I have met a wonderful friend who lost her Bichon same age (16) as Raggs and out of the loss of our belove babies she and I have become very close "cyber" friends. I felt like when Raggs died I was the only one going through this but I soon found out so many are grieving for their best friends.
Take care , others will write very inspiring things I am not much of one to do that but do know I will think of you and wish you peace in remembering that Precious Chelsea.
Raggs Mom Joanne

[ryancat]

Oh,I wish I had some words for you to make you feel better....First of all you are not coming undone.You are experiencing grief and it's completely different for everyone who goes thur it.I understand your pain because I had to put my boy Sox to sleep back on Oct. 13th.We made the decision after the vet told us his kidneys were failing and there was nothing they could do for him.To this day I still wonder if there wasn't something more I could have done for him,something more I could have tried.You did the right thing but yet it's so hard to let go of the guilt you feel.I know how that feels.My dad was a CPA so I understand what a rough time at work your having.Just be gentle with yourself and try to get thur it one day at a time.Don't look so far into the future.Your boy knew that you loved him and he also knew that you did what was best for him.Even tho he never showed signs of being in pain a pet almost always does that so he doesn't worry you.I've read in books that say pets do this all the time.You saved him from many days of suffering and when you made that choice it was done out of unconditional love for him and for no other reason.Stop beating yourself up about your decision.Alot of us here on this forum have been faced with the same difficult decision and there is never a right time to do it.I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you today.I hope you find some comfort in knowing that your not alone and that your feelings are totally normal.It will get better it's just going to take some time.When you feel up to it we would love it if you would share alittle bit more about your baby and maybe post a photo if you feel up to it.I'm right there with you with you say your living in a fog,trust me when I say that it will get better in time.Come back here often and I hope we can help get you thur this most difficult time in your life.I care and so do alot of other people.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[Amarna]

Dear Barnum's Mom,
Barnum is such a lovely dalmation! I read your story through my own tears, and like a few others here, your story mirrors my own in so very many ways. We had to say goodbye to our precious Caesar-pup five weeks ago, after having him for 16 years, nearly to the day. Like your darling son, our son also cheated death multiple times, to stay with us. Once when he was lost for 10 days and we didn't eat or sleep, to speak of, for that amount of time, and the second time, when he contracted a blood disorder that we never knew how he got. Everyone who knows us, also knows our Caesar, as he is indeed our son. We are so very proud of him, and we reveled in the fact that he made everyone smile who met him, even if only in passing. We made the decision to put him to sleep on December 8, five weeks ago, and for my husband and myself, it just seems so unreal that our baby isn't with us, as he always was. (He was with us 80% of our married life.)
Caesar also had arthritis the past couple of years, and it had been getting progressively worse. He could no longer get up on his own the past several months, and he could only take a few steps, on the average, before falling down. But he seemed to have no pain, and only seemed to cry out of frustration because of his immobility. As soon as he was on his feet, he seemed fine, until a few moments later when he would fall down, again. The decision to let him go was painful beyond words. What haunts me is the idea that he wasn't in any pain, and that if I had done just a bit more, he'd still be with us. It got to the point where my husband and I would take shifts all through the night, as he would cry all the time out of frustration of not being able to get up and even get to his water dish. (I had to eventually hand-feed him.) If only I had done just a bit more, he'd still be with us. It's something that I can't seem to be able to get over. Just hurts so much. Your words saying that it's "incomprehensible" that you've "been on this earth without him" for this amount of time... I've been feeling *exactly* the same way. Ten days after we said goodbye to him, I was thinking that except for the time that he went on his "journey" back in the spring of '96 for 10 long, unbearable days, we had never been apart for this long. I can't even imagine Spring coming without our Caesar. Oh, to be able to run my fingers through his lovely fur again, to look into his button eyes and have him look into my soul, as he did so many times... The guilt I am feeling is nearly overwhelming. As I was holding him the last day, as he looked at me with that adorable keeshond-pup-face, I knew that I would want to hold him forever, that I would want to stay at that moment forever, to make it last, forever. "Forever" isn't nearly long enough, in that sense. I see his face in everything. I only had two dreams about him, since he left us, (oh those painful words!!), but I long for another dream. Blessed dreams of dogs, our babies who held our souls and hearts in their own. I love you, Caesar! Mommy miss you so much!

*hugs* Amarna

[5catsmom]

The shock, guilt and despair are normal parts of the grieving process which unfortunately we who lose our loved babies go through. I know, it seems utterly inconceivable to imagine a life without your special boy. Everything in life seems so petty and silly compared with a loss of such magnitude. It sounds, though, as if you really did go all out to make Barnum's life one of as much quality as you could, so while there is always guilt with these decisions, his lack of mobility made him not the dog he would have wanted to be for you. And while you would have been happy to do all you could and more for him, dogs do have their dignity and at some point you knew you had to show the grace and thoughtfulness to take that into account, for his sake. He understands, really he does.

Now, the aftermath of that decision has to be dealt with, and that is never easy, in fact, it will be one of the most difficult things you'll ever go through. The first part is exactly as you describe, the shock and despair and the inability to think. We all go through that, to some degree, and no words can make it easier, it's something your body and mind have to assimilate and take in. It will ease in time, when, I can't tell you, any more than I can tell you the secret of life. But,however long it is, it will last longer than you think, and will come back again when you least expect it to. You never really get over it, you learn to live with it, and it eases but never vanishes. I wish there were words I could say to make it better or to heal your heart, but I can't - or I would in a minute. All I can say is that my personal experience is that sharing my feelings with others who've been where I've been, who know what it's like, has helped, and has perhaps saved my life and sanity at times. Please, come back and let us know how you're doing now that Barnum has moved on, we care, so you take care - Barbara

[myhrtisbrkn]

P.T. Barnum, the great showman, and astute observer of human nature...how fitting a name for such a spectacular Dal.

It is far too early for comfort, or inspiration, but I can offer you empathy and understanding.I went through the same kind of thing when Mack died. I joined this forum, and then it was a long time before I could even post because I couldn't compose my thoughts. I couldn't operate the keyboard. I relived over and over again the last weeks, and hours, and minutes, of Macks life. Looking back on that, I believe I thought to stop doing so would be to lose him utterly, not just his wonderful physical presence in my life, but my memories of him, the comfort, the company, the fun would somehow be erased.
I wish I could tell you long it took before I passed that stage, but I don't know. I didn't notice when life started to reassert itself over death, but it did, and is still doing so. The neccessity to take care of one's own person, to make a living, to be there for the loved ones that remain to us, gradually start to penetrate the fog.

Until such time, if you need aide to sleep, take it without quilt. keep on hand a big supply of facial tissue, and don't undertake to do any thinking you don't have to do.
If you collapse under the weight of your despair you will stand again. lean on us a little, we've all been there.

Macks Mom,
Dayna

[5catsmom]

Barnum's Mom,
I echo Dayna's words. This is still early days yet, when the pain and grief is still so fresh and new and wrenches your heart and makes you so sick you're nauseus at times. It's the fog we all stumble through on our way toward sanity and healthy remembrance again, because, in time, believe me, it does come.

Whatever gets you through, barring flat-out self-destructive tendencies, which, believe me (I know from sad experience) don't help you in the end - whatever gets you through, do it. Prayer, meditation, sitting in silence on a bench where you spent time together, letting him feel your presence and not concentrate so much on his presence, and of course, plenty of tissue - you will get through this. For his sake, and to honor his memory, you will do what he would want you to do, and you will go on and learn, and be here for others in your position perhaps one day, in his memory.

Please let us know how it's going. We care. You take care - Barbara

[vizsla-angel]

Barnum's Mom,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Barnum. My vizsla-boy Copper was put down on New Year's Eve and I feel your sorrow.

Years ago I worked for a CPA. We were a 2 woman show. I remember the chaos this time of year always brought and understand your fear. Unfortunately, I don't have a good solution for you. I'm sure a trip to Cancun is out of the question. I thought about your post for a few hours before responding with this so, please don't take offense. Might I suggest contacting a therapist to discuss how to handle all this stress? I only say this because after Copper died, I too went into such a depression that my eating and sleeping were completely irratict. I was already on medication for insomina but had to have my doctor change the dosage. And I'm "lucky" enough for this to have happened while I'm on winter break from school and not working. Speaking for myself, dealing with the stress of tax season along with the death of any loved one would be just too much to bear without some professional help. Please don't take me wrong -- I don't think you're crazy. It's just a friendly suggestion from someone who understands and cares.

My initial reaction was anger -- lots of it. I yelled and screamed a lot. Looking at my early posts, it's there. Actually, it still is. I'm just directing it at people who I think don't appreciate their furbabies like we do ours. And now there's tears and laughter and still anger. I'm still all over the place. But I know that coming here, putting down how I feel, and listening to what others have to say has helped. I hope we can help you too.

Not everyone will feel the presence or have a visitation from their pet after they have crossed over. I don't know why that is, but I don't believe it is any reflection on the relationship the two of you had. What I do have complete faith in is that, in the place of eternity, a lifetime is just a heartbeat. So when when our pets reach that place, we are there in a heartbeat. (I hope that makes sense.)

Take care of yourself.
Peace&Love
V

[AlleysMama]

Barnums mom

I know that there are no words to take away your pain. Just know that we are all here for you, and are giong through similar situations. We have all lost someone dear to us and this is a great place to come and talk about them, share pictures, etc.

I know how hard your decision was to let him go. I had to make the same decision for my girl Alley on December 9th. You did the right thing though. I had doubts too but there is one single thought that gets me through the guilt and "what ifs".

I couldn't ask her to hurt more, just so I would hurt less, or not as soon. She is at peace now as is your Barnum.

[Moose Mom]

barnum's mom

Barnum was such a handsome dalmation! That is a beautiful tribute to him. I'm so very sorry for your loss. He was a very special boy.

He had a great life with you and was much loved, I can hear it in every line of your post. You gave him a great gift when you were strong enough to let him go so he no longer hurt.

Other's have said most of what I would say. We lost our Moustache kitty almost three months ago now. For me things did seem to get just a tad bit easier at one month.

Thinking of you and your Barnum
Lori

[5catsmom]

Barnum's Mom,
You've certainly got enough stress in your life, with the loss of a beloved companion and your work season just starting up again. Some people think (like my husband) that work is the best therapy, you can leave all your other pains and sorrows aside. Well, that's his nature, but not mine. I can easily see myself falling apart in a work situation if the grief suddenly hit me, and I'd get claustrophobic, panicky, and probably not be as productive as I would be otherwise. I'd also find myself lying awake wondering if my work had suffered in any way that day because of lack of concentration.

It might be wise to think about vizsla-angel's thoughts. I don't think you're crazy, please don't take these suggestions that way. It took me 4 months of non-stop grieving and agonizing and "What's wrong with Mom?" and "Honey, don't you think you should be moving on from this?" (dumb question anyway, but though I love my hubby, he sometimes doesn't put things very delicately), anyway, I did go see a doctor and was put on some medication. It doesn't solve all ills - in fact I had to stop taking it 3 months later for other reasons - but just talking with someone, and my nurse-pract*itioner was luckily a cat person herself, did make me feel stronger, physically at least. When a tremendous trauma like the loss of beloved one hits us, no matter if we think we're prepared for it or not, it's still a trauma, and a physical insult to the body. If you're still feeling in over your head, you might want to talk to someone. It won't bring Barnum back, but it's a step on the path that you and he have now taken.

I pray for you and that you will find a measure of peace down the line. Please, let us know how you're doing. Take care of yourself- Barbara

[barnum's mom]

today has been a month. i knew when i woke up this morning i had no business going out into the world today - so i called in sick. i told my boss it was the stomach bug, but it really was a broken heart.

i miss him!!!!!!!!!! all of your posts have been very kind. i have bought books and read these posts and i am trying to see that there will be other opportunities ahead for happiness - but i cannot invest in any of it. i just feel so alone. barnum gave me peace, brought me joy. his survival and happiness was my life's accomplishment. he was my anti-depression medication. even being depressed seemed surmountable when i could crawl up in the chair next to him.

it's getting to a point where i just want to give in to the fog. i've seen this fog before, when i was younger and not so strong i gave in to it for most of my sophomore year of college. in the 15 years since i have been eneveloped by it many times, but have always had a reason to keep moving through it. i always thought it was work that kept me going - a reason to get out of bed every day. but now i know it was barnum and our bond that gave me the strength. i want to give in to it again. i want to crawl into bed and stay there. but even bed is not what it was. it is all lonelier, sadder. the fog sounds better every day.

[AlleysMama]

Barnum's mom

I know how hard today must be for you. I recently passed the one month anniversary of losing my Alley. I did go to work, but wish I hadn't. It was such a hard day, being the "first" month anniversary. I wish I could say it gets easier, but all we can do is just go from one day to the next and deal with it as best we can.

We are all here for you, and we share your pain.


Paula