I Can't Really Believe He's Actually Gone!, My boy passed away 4 days ago Options

[jazmin]

I just can't believe it? I just can't. How is it that he's really gone? That I won't be able to give him belly rubs, or put my hand under his little head (he always loved that sometimes I wold just let him sleep like that). He had the most amazing personality, so intellegent and regal, so loving and so so sweet. How is it that I don't get to see him anymore.

I come home and want ot call his name, I go into my bedroom and think I will see him there on the bed. My best friend is know gone, my baby, I know they say it will get easier but how does it he was in my life since I was 11 years old I'm now 26, that's most of my life at this point.

I seem to cry at any little thing, watching **, or shows that I use to distract myself, death is always there i seem to see it screaming at me. I put a good face on to friends as I dont 'want them to see just how heartbroken I really am. I was in an almost fatal car accident last year and have grown very good at putting on a face. I want people around me to have fun, have a good time, I try and laugh, it's so hard. There will never be another Zack as long as I live, I just can't believe he's gone.

xxJaz

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[Schtoobing'sMom]

You're so right, Jaz...Zack was a very dignified and regal- looking cat.

I know exactly how you feel. It seems so surreal, so unbelievable to come home and not find my baby waiting. I actually do call out Schtoobing's name, and talk to him. For some odd reason, it gives me a little comfort to think that his spirit is still with me, and if I talk to him, he won't leave me.

As far as things getting easier, the losses for you and for me are so fresh, I don't know. The only other grief I can relate it to is the loss of my dad, but this is so different. Because it's so different, I feel awkward sharing it with my family. I may be imagining it, but I feel like they don't really understand what I'm going through. Like you said, I try to put on a front so they won't worry about me.

Thank you for the kind words you've shared with me about my Schtoobing! Please know that I am thinking of you, Jasmine, and wishing you peace. All of us who understand how profound the loss of our furbabies is, have to stick together.

[jazmin]

The vet just called

his ashes and wiskers are in... She the vet was very sweet but I couldn't help crying when she said my boy was in. I'm crying now. I will go in tomorrow. Some time in the next month his little paw prints will be done.

my little monkey!

[Schtoobing'sMom]

i didn't know they could save whiskers and pawprints too. well, maybe someone asked me, and I have forgotten. I forget a lot these days.

[jazmin]

I didn't know either, but my vet asked me, I guess some man here in vancouver does the paw prints in plaster, and they asked if I wanted some fur and I said if anything his whiskers because I always loved his whiskers. Maybe it is something one could ask for but if they haden't said anything I wouldn't have known.

I'm sorry it wasn't offered to you, I know that I am getting one of his pictures blown up and framed so I can hang it in my room, maybe you want to do something similar.

love Jazmin

[Schtoobing'sMom]

I do have some of Schtoob's whiskers, that he would leave around the house. I would have loved to have his pawprints in plaster. I guess we just want to have every bit of our babies we can get, huh?

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, when you go pick up Zack's ashes.

<3 Di

[Precious' mom]

Jazmin,
I truly believe in the power of love. Especially after a loved one has gone. Love survives everything, even death. I have a feeling Zack is with you even though you can't see him. I do hope you can still feel a presence; you probably will more when you receive his cremains. I have Precious' lovely wooden urn beneath a statue of St Francis, his patron saint (mine too), and I pick up his urn and kiss it, hug it and talk to it several times a day. I can still feel his presence so strongly and it comforts me. We had an almost 19-year bond and it will never be erased by anyone or anything.
I know you miss him, but I also know you do not miss him suffering and in pain. You did the best thing you could for him, and he appreciates that act of love more than you know.
Lisa

[xrayspex]

Oh Jazmin...all the things you are thinking & doing are common to what I am experiencing right now. I have today on several occasions spoke Chases name aloud just to hear it once again. But now the sound of it brings sorrow & longing for my baby back when I hear it. I was at "youtube" today and watched a clip of a little ferret stealing a girls ipod off her bed and hiding it. The little tyke looked just like Chase. I cried so hard. I know how you feel right now Jazmin...I will pray for strength for you

[Muffins]

Hi (((((((Jazmin)))))))

I come home and want ot call his name, I go into my bedroom and think I will see him there on the bed. My best friend is know gone, my baby, I know they say it will get easier but how does it he was in my life since I was 11 years old I'm now 26, that's most of my life at this point.

My precious girl Ernestine was put to sleep on Feb 7, 2004. She was two months shy of her 20th birthday. On the day I got her, she was 6 weeks old - I was 23 years old. I was very, very blessed to have had her in my life for so many years. She was my daughter .
Just like you & your beloved Zack , Ernie and I went through everything together. We 'grew up' together .

Everything you are going through Jazmin is very normal. It is very early in the grieving process for you..... It really "will get easier" -- but, not right now.... Not for awhile.
It's okay to call Zack's name - it's absolutely fine to talk to him, too.
In the early days, for me, I still thought that Ernie was here. I'd wake up in the morning and think, "I've got to go love my girl.....", and then I'd realize, she wasn't here. (but, she was AND WILL ALWAYS BE, in my heart!)

I think we're all different with regard to showing emotion in public. If I needed to cry, I did -- no matter where I was. And, I cried A LOT! I just couldn't put on a front. I was so heartbroken without my little girl. For the first week, I really couldn't do anything - other than cry. It felt as if someone was sticking a serrated knife in & out of my chest.

Even though I hurt, I was so very grateful that my sweet girl was no longer in pain. She was very ill - she'd lost so much weight from retching all of the time. My husband and I loved her so much - we made the decision to help her get to Heaven. Our babies are no longer in pain -- they know only bliss now I know that one day we will all be reunited..... It's a promise. (my belief).

Four weeks later, my husband and I went to a shelter where we adopted two furcats - Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster (they're approximately 10 & 11, respectively). They are 'Our Children '.... And, we love them more than life itself!
After Ernestine went to Rainbow's Bridge, I swore up & down that I would NEVER, EVER get another cat -- (never mind two!) I didn't want to fall in love only to have to say goodbye one day. But.....it's just the way life is. Ben & I had so much love in our hearts to share with at least one furbaby -- it didn't seem right for us not to adopt a couple of kids who desperately needed a loving home.
And really, adopting Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster, -- it's a tribute to the love we will always have for our beloved Ernestine. I have every reason to believe that Ernie led us to our furkids .

Jazmin, you really will get through this -- one day at a time; sometimes, it's one MINUTE at a time!! Please come here to LS as often as you want to. That's what I did in the first few months -- I needed to be among others who were going through what I was going through. Lightning-Strike will always be very special to me !

God Bless You & Yours.

Peace & Love,

Denise

[jazmin]

Hello all

Yes I put on a good face to those I am close to (other than my partner as he's always around me, although I do for him as well it was just our 2nd anniversary on sunday and I didn't want to be crying all day and ruin the day for him), I just don't want them to tip toe around me they need to enjoy life. Not to say that I haven't broken down on the bus, walking around waiting for the skytrain, but they are all strangers and I really don't care if they know I'm sad.

I'm going to pick up his ashes today.

xx

[jazmin]

Well I went and picked up his ashes today, they are in this iradesent white urn, it's sounds strange but when I picked up the box that the urn was in at the vet, it felt warm. I just carried him home clutched to my heart, before i got home a little grey kitty ran up to me so I had to give her some love, my knees feel weak and I am trembling. I was told once long ago that you don't get many ashes back but you do as many as I would have thought, I didn't expect them to be as rough as they are. ohhh my sweet little boy is gone! it is too sad, how can this be have i really come to this point? am i really here? my little love.......

j

[ryancat]

Jazmin,I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.I am so sorry for your loss.I wish there was something I could say to you to make the pain go away but I hope you know that my thoughts and prayers have been with you these past few days.Time will help ease the pain somewhat and I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your grief.There are many of us here who are going thur the same thing as you are.We know your pain and sometimes it is unbearable..........It helps me to come here and write out my feelings to others who know what I'm going thur.Please keep in touch and let us know how your doing.We care..Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom) P.S.I will keep you in my prayers!

[booboosmom]

It is so hard to return home with the ashes of your loved one. I remember thinking how little there was. I went to private crematorium. I drove all the way in a blinding blizzard, straight from the vet. I refused to let anyone else take my baby. So, I drove him there wrapped in one of his favorite blankets and placed him in the oven. Then I waited to bring him home to his brother and sister. The thought of him being reduced to ash was very hard, but I knew he would be with me, even in death. I took a long time for the pain and guilt to subside. It has been six years, and I still miss him. It's okay though, because he loved me and trusted me - and I didn't let him down. I've kept him with me ever since he first came home from the shelter, (after spending six months in a cage because no one wanted him). It gets easier. You will always miss him, but you will get comfort from the fact that he knew you loved him, no matter what.

[Daisy's Mommy]

When I brought my baby home, she was in a little pink marble case with a gold colored plate, which said "Daisy, forever loved and missed by AS and MH." The crematorium had put the case in a bag and I remember being concerned that I not hold it upside down. It was too hard to believe that she was just ashes inside that case.

But, of course, that was just her body. Her soul, like all of the souls of your beloved pets, are in God's care, awaiting a happy reunion with us.


Daisy's Mommy

[jazmin]

This has been so hard, thank you all for your loving words and stories, it wasn't easy to bring him home, and it is strange to have him in an urn, but at least he's here with me.

I still have moments when i think he's here, out of the corner of my eye, or I'll open the door and think he's there and I can cuddle up to him. My little guy, how he put up with me.

This is a picture of us about 3.5 years ago, I was squishing him and he wanted away, but I'm mean I just had to get a picture.

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[Sasha1974]

Dear Jazmin,

I am sorry to hear about Zack. My sweet cat Pepper passed away a few hours ago; run over by a car. I just found him on the street, after a neighbour called me. Pepper was just 4, so I can imagine how you must feel having had Zack around for such a long period in your life.

Everything around me reminds me of him. And we have another cat, his buddy Taco. Am sorry, I shouldnt burden you with my pain. You seem to have it hard enough. I just want to say that I feel with you and pray we can both someday accept that they are gone to a sweet place and we can relive the memories of when they made our lives rich and happy.

Sasha

[jazmin]

Oh Sasha

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just know that Pepper knew you loved him, even at the end, again I am so sorry, four years is still four years and this is never easy. We are all here for you if you need support i know it has helped me tremendously. i will keep you in my thought's and heart tonight.

lots of love Jazmin

[5catsmom]

Jazmin,
What a great picture! They never do like to sit still and smile for the camera, do they? I've had to learn to sneak up on them and snap the photo before they ever knew. For the ones that are now gone, those pictures are priceless.

It is odd bringing the ashes home. I remember my old cat Heidi dying in 2001, and I knew she'd be cremated, and when I knew how sick she was, picked out a beautiful ginger jar from Japan that we'd brought back from our tour there. I still couldn't and can't believe that she's been reduced to ashes - she was such a scaredy-cat and it broke my heart all over again to think of her beautiful furry body being cremated. It has been a long time understanding and accepting that Heidi is not really there - her physical being, yes - but not the essence, the Heidi-ness of her, that wasn't there. It was freed and pain-free and yet still with me in spirit. Sometimes my other cats will stop what they're doing very suddenly and stare at a corner in my bedroom - I don't see anything, but they undoubtedly do. I've come to believe that Heidi comes to visit on occasion, and it's a comforting, loving gesture on her part. I'm grateful for those visits.

You have my deepest sympathy on your loss of Zack. Losing a loved one is always hard but when it's someone you've spent half a lifetime with, makes it somewhat more difficult. He taught you a lot about life, though, and in a way, is always with you. Take it a day at a time, and we'll help you as much as we can. There is a wealth of experience and wisdom and compassion to be found with the people here, who have pulled me through countless difficulties just by understanding and caring. God bless them all. And you take care - Barbara

[Precious' mom]

Jazmin,
Thanks for sharing that sweet picture of you and Zack! I can see (and feel!) the love you shared with him, the look on your face says it all!
Has he sent you any messages yet? I hope so!!
Lisa

[booboosmom]

The picture of you and Zack is wonderful. I have found a great deal of comfort in having the ashes of my baby Shadow with me. His spirit isn't in the urn, but I have a connection to him, along with the hair from his brush. It all helps, to keep you close to your baby. I laid on his favorite blanket many nights, just so that I could smell him. Your Zack knows how much you care, and loves you for bringing his earthly remains home to be with you.