I just can't believe it? I just can't. How is it that he's really gone? That I won't be able to give him belly rubs, or put my hand under his little head (he always loved that sometimes I wold just let him sleep like that). He had the most amazing personality, so intellegent and regal, so loving and so so sweet. How is it that I don't get to see him anymore.

I come home and want ot call his name, I go into my bedroom and think I will see him there on the bed. My best friend is know gone, my baby, I know they say it will get easier but how does it he was in my life since I was 11 years old I'm now 26, that's most of my life at this point.

I seem to cry at any little thing, watching **, or shows that I use to distract myself, death is always there i seem to see it screaming at me. I put a good face on to friends as I dont 'want them to see just how heartbroken I really am. I was in an almost fatal car accident last year and have grown very good at putting on a face. I want people around me to have fun, have a good time, I try and laugh, it's so hard. There will never be another Zack as long as I live, I just can't believe he's gone.

xxJaz

You're so right, Jaz...Zack was a very dignified and regal- looking cat.

I know exactly how you feel. It seems so surreal, so unbelievable to come home and not find my baby waiting. I actually do call out Schtoobing's name, and talk to him. For some odd reason, it gives me a little comfort to think that his spirit is still with me, and if I talk to him, he won't leave me.

As far as things getting easier, the losses for you and for me are so fresh, I don't know. The only other grief I can relate it to is the loss of my dad, but this is so different. Because it's so different, I feel awkward sharing it with my family. I may be imagining it, but I feel like they don't really understand what I'm going through. Like you said, I try to put on a front so they won't worry about me.

Thank you for the kind words you've shared with me about my Schtoobing! Please know that I am thinking of you, Jasmine, and wishing you peace. All of us who understand how profound the loss of our furbabies is, have to stick together.

The vet just called

his ashes and wiskers are in... She the vet was very sweet but I couldn't help crying when she said my boy was in. I'm crying now. I will go in tomorrow. Some time in the next month his little paw prints will be done.

my little monkey!

i didn't know they could save whiskers and pawprints too. well, maybe someone asked me, and I have forgotten. I forget a lot these days.

I didn't know either, but my vet asked me, I guess some man here in vancouver does the paw prints in plaster, and they asked if I wanted some fur and I said if anything his whiskers because I always loved his whiskers. Maybe it is something one could ask for but if they haden't said anything I wouldn't have known.

I'm sorry it wasn't offered to you, I know that I am getting one of his pictures blown up and framed so I can hang it in my room, maybe you want to do something similar.

love Jazmin

I do have some of Schtoob's whiskers, that he would leave around the house. I would have loved to have his pawprints in plaster. I guess we just want to have every bit of our babies we can get, huh?

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, when you go pick up Zack's ashes.

<3 Di

Jazmin,
I truly believe in the power of love. Especially after a loved one has gone. Love survives everything, even death. I have a feeling Zack is with you even though you can't see him. I do hope you can still feel a presence; you probably will more when you receive his cremains. I have Precious' lovely wooden urn beneath a statue of St Francis, his patron saint (mine too), and I pick up his urn and kiss it, hug it and talk to it several times a day. I can still feel his presence so strongly and it comforts me. We had an almost 19-year bond and it will never be erased by anyone or anything.
I know you miss him, but I also know you do not miss him suffering and in pain. You did the best thing you could for him, and he appreciates that act of love more than you know.
Lisa

Oh Jazmin...all the things you are thinking & doing are common to what I am experiencing right now. I have today on several occasions spoke Chases name aloud just to hear it once again. But now the sound of it brings sorrow & longing for my baby back when I hear it. I was at "youtube" today and watched a clip of a little ferret stealing a girls ipod off her bed and hiding it. The little tyke looked just like Chase. I cried so hard. I know how you feel right now Jazmin...I will pray for strength for you

Hi (((((((Jazmin)))))))



My precious girl Ernestine was put to sleep on Feb 7, 2004. She was two months shy of her 20th birthday. On the day I got her, she was 6 weeks old - I was 23 years old. I was very, very blessed to have had her in my life for so many years. She was my daughter .
Just like you & your beloved Zack , Ernie and I went through everything together. We 'grew up' together .

Everything you are going through Jazmin is very normal. It is very early in the grieving process for you..... It really "will get easier" -- but, not right now.... Not for awhile.
It's okay to call Zack's name - it's absolutely fine to talk to him, too.
In the early days, for me, I still thought that Ernie was here. I'd wake up in the morning and think, "I've got to go love my girl.....", and then I'd realize, she wasn't here. (but, she was AND WILL ALWAYS BE, in my heart!)

I think we're all different with regard to showing emotion in public. If I needed to cry, I did -- no matter where I was. And, I cried A LOT! I just couldn't put on a front. I was so heartbroken without my little girl. For the first week, I really couldn't do anything - other than cry. It felt as if someone was sticking a serrated knife in & out of my chest.

Even though I hurt, I was so very grateful that my sweet girl was no longer in pain. She was very ill - she'd lost so much weight from retching all of the time. My husband and I loved her so much - we made the decision to help her get to Heaven. Our babies are no longer in pain -- they know only bliss now I know that one day we will all be reunited..... It's a promise. (my belief).

Four weeks later, my husband and I went to a shelter where we adopted two furcats - Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster (they're approximately 10 & 11, respectively). They are 'Our Children '.... And, we love them more than life itself!
After Ernestine went to Rainbow's Bridge, I swore up & down that I would NEVER, EVER get another cat -- (never mind two!) I didn't want to fall in love only to have to say goodbye one day. But.....it's just the way life is. Ben & I had so much love in our hearts to share with at least one furbaby -- it didn't seem right for us not to adopt a couple of kids who desperately needed a loving home.
And really, adopting Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster, -- it's a tribute to the love we will always have for our beloved Ernestine. I have every reason to believe that Ernie led us to our furkids .

Jazmin, you really will get through this -- one day at a time; sometimes, it's one MINUTE at a time!! Please come here to LS as often as you want to. That's what I did in the first few months -- I needed to be among others who were going through what I was going through. Lightning-Strike will always be very special to me !

God Bless You & Yours.

Peace & Love,

Denise

Hello all

Yes I put on a good face to those I am close to (other than my partner as he's always around me, although I do for him as well it was just our 2nd anniversary on sunday and I didn't want to be crying all day and ruin the day for him), I just don't want them to tip toe around me they need to enjoy life. Not to say that I haven't broken down on the bus, walking around waiting for the skytrain, but they are all strangers and I really don't care if they know I'm sad.

I'm going to pick up his ashes today.

xx

Well I went and picked up his ashes today, they are in this iradesent white urn, it's sounds strange but when I picked up the box that the urn was in at the vet, it felt warm. I just carried him home clutched to my heart, before i got home a little grey kitty ran up to me so I had to give her some love, my knees feel weak and I am trembling. I was told once long ago that you don't get many ashes back but you do as many as I would have thought, I didn't expect them to be as rough as they are. ohhh my sweet little boy is gone! it is too sad, how can this be have i really come to this point? am i really here? my little love.......

j

Jazmin,I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.I am so sorry for your loss.I wish there was something I could say to you to make the pain go away but I hope you know that my thoughts and prayers have been with you these past few days.Time will help ease the pain somewhat and I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your grief.There are many of us here who are going thur the same thing as you are.We know your pain and sometimes it is unbearable..........It helps me to come here and write out my feelings to others who know what I'm going thur.Please keep in touch and let us know how your doing.We care..Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom) P.S.I will keep you in my prayers!

It is so hard to return home with the ashes of your loved one. I remember thinking how little there was. I went to private crematorium. I drove all the way in a blinding blizzard, straight from the vet. I refused to let anyone else take my baby. So, I drove him there wrapped in one of his favorite blankets and placed him in the oven. Then I waited to bring him home to his brother and sister. The thought of him being reduced to ash was very hard, but I knew he would be with me, even in death. I took a long time for the pain and guilt to subside. It has been six years, and I still miss him. It's okay though, because he loved me and trusted me - and I didn't let him down. I've kept him with me ever since he first came home from the shelter, (after spending six months in a cage because no one wanted him). It gets easier. You will always miss him, but you will get comfort from the fact that he knew you loved him, no matter what.

When I brought my baby home, she was in a little pink marble case with a gold colored plate, which said "Daisy, forever loved and missed by AS and MH." The crematorium had put the case in a bag and I remember being concerned that I not hold it upside down. It was too hard to believe that she was just ashes inside that case.

But, of course, that was just her body. Her soul, like all of the souls of your beloved pets, are in God's care, awaiting a happy reunion with us.


Daisy's Mommy

This has been so hard, thank you all for your loving words and stories, it wasn't easy to bring him home, and it is strange to have him in an urn, but at least he's here with me.

I still have moments when i think he's here, out of the corner of my eye, or I'll open the door and think he's there and I can cuddle up to him. My little guy, how he put up with me.

This is a picture of us about 3.5 years ago, I was squishing him and he wanted away, but I'm mean I just had to get a picture.

Dear Jazmin,

I am sorry to hear about Zack. My sweet cat Pepper passed away a few hours ago; run over by a car. I just found him on the street, after a neighbour called me. Pepper was just 4, so I can imagine how you must feel having had Zack around for such a long period in your life.

Everything around me reminds me of him. And we have another cat, his buddy Taco. Am sorry, I shouldnt burden you with my pain. You seem to have it hard enough. I just want to say that I feel with you and pray we can both someday accept that they are gone to a sweet place and we can relive the memories of when they made our lives rich and happy.

Sasha

Oh Sasha

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just know that Pepper knew you loved him, even at the end, again I am so sorry, four years is still four years and this is never easy. We are all here for you if you need support i know it has helped me tremendously. i will keep you in my thought's and heart tonight.

lots of love Jazmin

Jazmin,
What a great picture! They never do like to sit still and smile for the camera, do they? I've had to learn to sneak up on them and snap the photo before they ever knew. For the ones that are now gone, those pictures are priceless.

It is odd bringing the ashes home. I remember my old cat Heidi dying in 2001, and I knew she'd be cremated, and when I knew how sick she was, picked out a beautiful ginger jar from Japan that we'd brought back from our tour there. I still couldn't and can't believe that she's been reduced to ashes - she was such a scaredy-cat and it broke my heart all over again to think of her beautiful furry body being cremated. It has been a long time understanding and accepting that Heidi is not really there - her physical being, yes - but not the essence, the Heidi-ness of her, that wasn't there. It was freed and pain-free and yet still with me in spirit. Sometimes my other cats will stop what they're doing very suddenly and stare at a corner in my bedroom - I don't see anything, but they undoubtedly do. I've come to believe that Heidi comes to visit on occasion, and it's a comforting, loving gesture on her part. I'm grateful for those visits.

You have my deepest sympathy on your loss of Zack. Losing a loved one is always hard but when it's someone you've spent half a lifetime with, makes it somewhat more difficult. He taught you a lot about life, though, and in a way, is always with you. Take it a day at a time, and we'll help you as much as we can. There is a wealth of experience and wisdom and compassion to be found with the people here, who have pulled me through countless difficulties just by understanding and caring. God bless them all. And you take care - Barbara

Jazmin,
Thanks for sharing that sweet picture of you and Zack! I can see (and feel!) the love you shared with him, the look on your face says it all!
Has he sent you any messages yet? I hope so!!
Lisa

The picture of you and Zack is wonderful. I have found a great deal of comfort in having the ashes of my baby Shadow with me. His spirit isn't in the urn, but I have a connection to him, along with the hair from his brush. It all helps, to keep you close to your baby. I laid on his favorite blanket many nights, just so that I could smell him. Your Zack knows how much you care, and loves you for bringing his earthly remains home to be with you.

I've had two dreams of him well three, but the dream I had two nights ago was the best dream.

In my dream he wasn't young still an old guy, but full of energy, running around happy as could be. He still had short ears, and he had scars on his face from the cancer, but none of it bothered him anymore, he was just happy and playing.

It made me feel really good to have that dream, it is so strange not having him around, I miss his little furry body cuddling with me, he is forever in my heart.

Jazmin

Jazmin,

I had been reading your posts when you had to make your decision to end Zack's suffering. Zack was such a sweet, beautiful cat. You took such great care of him and your inner strength has been inspiring and helpful to me. I was too much of a wreck to have any helpful words for you a couple of weeks ago but I just wanted to let you know how appreciated Zack's presence has been on this board.

Sandy

Jazmin,
GREAT!! Dreams of him are SO positive!! He's still with you, even though you can't feel or see him. That bond still exists and he's still so much a part of you.
Never forget that!!!
Lisa

You are both so sweet, thank you for your kind words, they help more than you can know.

xxJazmin

Hi Jazmin,

I am so glad to hear you had a GOOD dream about Zack! I've been thinking about you & praying for you.

Yes I have had a good dream, but I still miss him soo much. my sweet boy how will i do this?

Jazmin

I don't have good dreams. Actually, I don't sleep for more than a couple of hours a night. I am still wondering how I will get through this. I love my baby and hope he knows this, and how much I miss him. I would like to think they know we still love them and they are waiting somewhere to be with us again. I have two other babies that have kept me going. They love me and they miss their brother. I can't say when it gets easier. I have been trying to focus on the love and happiness he brought to me. I wish there was a reason or explanation for this kind of suffering. It seems so cruel in this world.
I hope you find some peace. My thoughts are with you. Boo Boo Kitty's mom

Jaz- I'm so glad you had a good dream about Zack! That's a great pic of you two, what a special kitty he was...

Booboo's mom, I firmly believe our babies know we love them, and that we will be together again someday. It's good that you are focusing on the good times with Boo Boo, because I'm sure that's what he would want you to do.

Jasmine
I lost my girl 1 year and 6 months ago. Oneday she was there and the next day I was having to decide on how long I should try to keep her alive, and for what reasons. In the end I decided to do what was best for my girl. You will never stop missing them Jas, it just changes, with time. I came back to this site today because I missed her, I spent alot of time here, the people on this site really help. Be gentle with your self Jasmine

Hello Everyone

Well tomorrow I go and pick up his paw prints. The final thing to pick up from the vet. I got the last call today. It seems so final. It's over. All of those years. Gone.

At least I get his little paw print. it will be soo stange, just this little part of him left, just this imprint, nothing more. I screemed his name today in our room, my room, his old room. It felt like he should have been there, lying on the bed waiting for some love.

You know the strangest thing about him not being around is that, I don't know especially since he was so ill this last year and i had to take care of him so much. I can't get over the fact that there's nothing for me to do, I don't need to go home, I could leave for months and nothing nothing. For me this is something that I can't get over. Maybe in time I won't think about it, but I don't want to think about that time the tome when he's really gone.

J

Well I got his little prints. One from each paw, you can even see where his little nails pressed into the mold. Ohh I love him so much, my sweet angel, I guess he's another little star twinkling down on me.

xxJazmin

Jazmin,
I wish I had gotten a paw print but the pet crematory my vet uses didn't do that. You're so lucky you have it!!
I so agree with what you said. It's hard after caring for a sick (and then dying) cat because you feel so useless, like there's nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. That's how I felt before Patches came into my life. He gives me reason to smile and even to love again! We're bonding (he's sleeping by my side every night, no more interruptions) and he has so many "Precious-isms" it's scary but he does respect that I love Precious more and always will. He cries before bedtime because I give Precious (his urn, that is) a hug and a kiss upon retiring for the night. I think he's a little jealous but that's to be expected.
Patch was sent, I think, by Precious because he loved his mummy and didn't want her to be sad. He's still the sweetest baby. It'll be four months since he died (the day after tomorrow, the 6th) and I still miss him and always will. But I know so much of him remains with me and he still sends so many signs letting me know he's okay. Such a wonderful feeling!
Lisa

I had a dream last night, it was very strange.

I dreamt that I was living in my old house the one that Zack grew up in. I was there with my mother and it was present time, Zack had passed on. For some reason we ended up finding these two kittens that looked just like Zack, all white with a mop of grey hair on thier heads and a grey tail. We took them home and they ran around playing, they were very cute and great friends. I remember going into the bedroom and seeing them curled up sleeping and they looked like two little Zack's. I just started crying and crying and went to my mother and said this is all to soon, he only just left us, why did we get these kittens. She replied that we were just filling in the emptyness with these kittens that looked like him but felt like strangers.

I just had to get this out of my system, it really bothered me when I woke up this morning.

Hope you are all staying strong, xxJazmin

J
I had a dream with my mother. She has been gone five years. We were looking for Boo Boo and at first she was telling me I could find him. We went back to the old house and that's when things changed. I realised I wouldn't find him, and then I couldn't find my mother. Our unconscious psyche doesn't know how to be tactful. Which is why I don't like to sleep, or dream anymore.

It can be so unsettling to wake up from a dream like that. I been left feeling off all day. Dreams can be good and amazing to, so don't give up on them, it's just that during these times they can drift so far away from that.

J

It has been a hard week. He's gone, he's simply not here any longer and it is really starting to sink in. Yes these last days have been hard on me, i miss him.

j

*hugs* Jazmin. I know how you feel. I think about my baby a lot, especially at night. And in the morning. And in the afternoon at work, etc. I talk to him a lot, saying things like, 'momma sure does miss the Schtoobing.' and 'I hope you're doing ok, snuggsey.' Nobody asks me about him anymore- I guess everyone is so busy, and they probably don't know what to say, but it's just really messed up that my baby is gone. I still can't bear to take his bed out from underneath my bed. And I keep vacuuming up cat litter, where I had already vacuumed. Where is this cat litter coming from?

I have to keep reminding myself that Schtoobing didn't really leave me. And Jazmin, I hope you remember that Zack hasn't really left you either. His sweet spirit is still with you.

Dreams of pets & people I have lost are EXTREMELY unsettling for me. I don't like them. I read of people here that want to have dreams about their pets but I hope it does not happen to me. It seems when it does when I awaken for a brief moment I will believe that the deceased are alive and that the death was just a dream....only to realize within seconds that it was the other way around. I will then be doomed to repeat the entire grief process (an abridged version of it) over the next couple of days and as I'm sure we all know here there is nothing there that is worth repeating!

It's true when I had that dream I was upset for days, the good dream I had of him made me feel at peace though, I loved just seeing him happy and playing.

God I miss him soo much, this is soo hard. It is strange this life we all lead we are here gathering these memories, experiances, love and then watching it all pass away from us. Why why that is a question we may never know, what is all of this for? Although I can't imagine not having had this experiance of life for all of it's pain it is better than not having it. Not having had the blessing of being with these people and animals in my life, that would have been worst.

Ohh life why do you try us soo.

xxJaz

Jazmin,
Keep watching for signs -- that will give so much comfort! Tigger sending the t*itmouse the day after he died was amazing!
Lisa

I'm having a hard time tonight yesterday the day before, I'm having a hard time. I miss HIM! I miss him soo much, why did he have to leave? I know it was time and all and that this is ust my selfishness but I miss him alot.

Ohh my little man, I hope you are well.

happy holidays everyone!

Well I came down with a bad boat of either food poisoning or stomach flu, it was bad and as a result I became very emotional which was the exact oppisite of what I should have done. Well during this time I had anougher dream about Zack, I dreamt he came back, back from the dead I awoke in my dream but as I was ill and he was lying there next to me giving me love. In my dream I could not believe it he hadn't died, he was fine and I was overjoyed and a bit confused. When I really did wake up I just couldn't stop crying. I feel like I see him everywhere, everytime I see something white out of the corner of my eye i think it's him.

This is hard, this time of the year has always been hard as my father, my dearest friend,and my grandmother all passed away, and now he's not here anymore. i'm going to start crying again. I will light some candles tonight at 10pm pacific time for him and all of our babies.

Love Jazmin

Jazmin,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been sick. I hope you're feeling better. I think Zack was trying to comfort you, because he knows you've been sick. He's always with you. I know what you mean about seeing your baby everywhere. I keep thinking that I see Schtoobing cruising by on his way to the food bowl. Or I'll feel the bed move, like when Schtoob would jump up, and I think- oh good- Schtoob is coming to snuggle with me. *sighh*

I know this has been a really hard holiday season for you, and so many others of us here on this site. I wish I could make you all feel better, but all I can say is- I know how you feel, and you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

Diane

Hi Jazmin...haven't heard from you in a while. I have had dreams where the dead are living and when I awake for a brief moment I still believe they are alive...but after the cruel and grim reality sets in I have to repeat an "abridged" version of the grief process. I guess I am one of those people who don't want to dream about pets and people gone by....it's way to hard on me

Thank you guys for the reply's. I thought of your babies on Christmas eve and lit them a candle.

This is such a strange time in our lives This new chapter were entering and here comes a New Year

I wish you all the very best, Happy New Year!

xxJazmin