Why Some People React More Than Others Options

[samara]

I am trying to understand how some people can just move on soon after a pet dies while another (like myself) struggles a LOT to cope with it. Are we more sensitive? less social ties? More connection to the animal? What do you think?

[Precious' mom]

I think the acceptance of the pet's death means everything. If I hadn't had the closure I needed (when a priest blessed Precious' ashes), I probably would have gone mad from grief. Losing Precious was the second worst day of my life (the first being losing my mum two and a half years previously) and it was very traumatic watching him weaken and die from the same disease Mum did (cancer) becauseI watched the same thing happen to her, and it was like reliving her death over again when Precious died.
My family, friends and my church have all been extremely supportive and I thank them all for it. Everyone here too because they provided a cybershoulder to cry on. Shared grief, knowing others went through what I did, made everything make sense and helped me over the roughest part directly after Precious died and there was such a huge hole left afterwards.
I miss Precious; I always will. He would not want me to be sad; he sent Patches to me! Patches has so many of Precious' sweet qualities and is his own cat, no comparisons to his predecessor! Precious is still with me in more ways than one...read my other posts and you will see what I mean! They never truly leave you after they die...Precious is proof of that!
Lisa

[Moose Mom]

Are we more sensitive? less social ties? More connection to the animal?

Well I think it's all of that and more. First I think we love deeply and understand our connection to life, all life. Maybe you could say that makes us more sensitive. Less social ties? Well I think we understand that social ties are both to people and fur people. We love all souls no matter what body they are wearing at the time.

More connection to the animal, yes. That is a big one, but once you have made a very close connection you are more able to make close ones. My Moose was very special and I miss him so much, but my close connection was first to a cat I had 10 years ago, Butch. He taught me to be grateful for every minute you have with a friend.

In my case I couldn't have kids, so I made my cats my kids. So in my heart and head I lost my son, not my cat. In your case you somehow made your furbaby a true baby I'm sure. The only difference I can see in losing a cat or a human son is that you would expect your son to outlive you, and with Moose I knew this day would come, that I would have to love him through his death too.

Love
Lori

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Samara,

I agree with Lori and also have a few other thoughts. Firstly, I think it depends on what WE'RE like ourselves, to begin with. For myself, I've always had a stronger and more trusting connection to animals than to the humans in my life, partly because most of MY people have been abusive in one way or another, and partly because I've just always felt a natural kinship with other species....just how some of us come wired.

Also, the amount or lack of our support network, especially from those directly around us, plays a LARGE part in how well we resolve our sorrow. This I simply know from direct experience...but also from reading all about grief over the last 6 years. And how we processed and were guided through (or NOT) our very first major loss (to us, personally) also sets the stage for subsequent losses, for good or bad. If it wasn't a supportive experience, we need to do some work with that first one before we can do better with later losses.

Similarly to Lori, I never had human kids....but it was a conscious and long thought-out decision, rather than a medical one. I simply preferred animals and only felt really maternal around them. I also felt so sorry for them and their plights, so often. I understood them, even more than I first suspected I did, and only learned of how easy this was for me, compared to others, over the years from talking with and reading about others who'd had much more exposure to and study of animals. I feel this simply has to do with not cutting off that part of myself that knows there's no real separation OR big difference between us and our fellow travellers here, no matter their species. And since they, much more than humans, easily facilitate this communion of the soul between us, I found my relationships with animals much more satisfying and easy/natural to live with AND expand upon. And so I, too, lost my feline son and daughter, not just my friends and companions, though they each played multiple roles with me, so I lost even more than my 'kids'. That makes for multiple losses, all in one individual. (this can also, of course, happen with some human losses)

I'm also what is now termed an HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person (there are now books about this out there), so overall, I DO respond to life from a highly sensitized state....one reason I'm so finely attuned to cats, who are very sensitive, too. We 'get' each other! But it also makes it extra tough for me to feel things like sorrow and deal with it, compared to a lot of people.

It also depends HIGHLY upon your upbringing and how your family's dynamics were/are. I see this difference very easily in my husband, knowing his background, plus his particular gender issues. I feel a LOT; he doesn't so much, or not to the same depths as I do. I sit in feelings; he avoids them. You get the idea...

So there are many reasons and it's not a simple picture, oftentimes, to figure out. The most helpful thing in this is, if nothing else, KNOW THYSELF. At least then, you won't have to be puzzling over your OWN reactions to your loss. Hope that helps with your questions.

[magdalene]

I think, for me at least, it was the connection I had to her. A few years ago I was really, really sick. I couldn't work anymore. I was home all the time and she was my only companion. I had to rest a lot and whenever I went to bed she would come and lie there with me. Everytime. And when I felt like no one else in the whole world cared, she always cared. She was my best and only friend during a very difficult time. She helped me so much. She gave me so much. And now all of that is gone. Yesterday I was feeling very poorly, and I wished so much she was here with me.

Magdalene

[BooBoo's Mom]

I don't have any children either and not many relatives or friends. I am kind of a loner and also highly sensitive too. My dog was my little boy for 14 years and was with me through a lot. He seemed to care for me more than anyone else (other than my husband, but he works a lot and is busy.) I thought I would go insane on the day he had to be put to sleep and I had to say goodbye. I knew everything would be for the last time and I almost couldn't stand that. I thanked my dog and asked him who would ever give me such love and devotion like he did. If I think about it too much, I feel like I will lose my mind.

[booboosmom]

(Hi Boo Boo's Mom - I'm Booboosmom- Boo Boo Kitty)

I'm like Lori. I don't have children. My cats are my babies. My connection to them is so important. My mother died of cancer five years ago. My father is fairly senile and going downhill physically. So my babies are my emotional support in life, and all they want is love. Losing them is losing a part of yourself.

[xrayspex]

No children here either but aside from that commonality we seem to share, it (peoples lack of compassion) is not to be understood and frankly I don't have the time or energy to spend understanding people that are so shallow they think I'm just "whining" about the loss of my baby Chase. Do you really want to understand people like that? People that have the gall to call themselves human? All the humans who do understand are right here at your beckon call...waste no more time on the skin deep......I think we are all better off this way even though it hurts us more.

[BooBoo's Mom]

That is interesting that most of us don't have children. My dogs were my children, but I think I would have still been so close to them even if I had kids. I don't even bother with people who have interests and values way different from mine. There are some who I can't avoid (at work and family members), but if I can, I do.
I don't waste my time or energy either on trying to convince people to see things my way or understand me. They can live their lives how they want and I will live mine how I want. I don't care if they think I am "weird" and overattached to my animal children.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

I'm SO glad to hear that some of you are being so uncompromising and true to yourselves when it comes to who you will associate with and who you won't. In fact, this re-inspired me so much that yesterday my comment about this to my counselor inspired her to try and assist me in finding some local groups of people who might be more in line with the whole human-animal bond thing...cuz those are the kinds of people I need around me now....and forever! I just hope this doesn't turn into another dead-end for me, as this place isn't the most animal-friendly or animal-educated. Our pretty useless Pet Loss Support Group isn't even having a meeting in December (none 'til the new year), when we folks need it the most! Pathetic.

[Schtoobing'sMom]

It's ironic that a support group wouldn't hold any meetings in December- the holidays are most difficult for people who are in crisis.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Ya got that right! They sure don't care about us like our furbabies all did, eh?

[ladypol]

I am another one without children what I call the 2-legged ones, all of my children have had 4 legs. This was a decision my Hubby and I made. I come from a family of animal lovers so I think that has been an influence on me. My Mom died in 1992 and she was a dog person, my Dad who is still living has 6 furbabie cats and loves them all so much.
I think people who react about their animals like we do were born to be care givers. I am also a nurse aka care giver. I think it is our nature to care for others, but in doing so we have to take on the grief that goes with it when we loose one of our babies. Some people feel like we do but do not show it, Furkidlets' Mom brought up a good point about how people are raised. My Hubby was raised in an environment that you didn't show alot of emotions, especially a boy. That has stuck with him all of his life, he feels the pain and sorrow but doesn't show it. We lost two of our babies back to back in the past 6 weeks, he doesn't show it much, but little comments he makes lets me know he is feeling the pain too.

[anne]

My husband doesn't show any emotion over Jemima. The only comment he made without me first bringing her name up was "well, she lived 15 1/2 years". Not what I needed to hear. Jemima was more my cat than his but it would be nice to see some sign of emotion from him.