I Can't Believe Nikki's Gone, missing my Nik-Nik Options

[dawnb93]

In 1997, I went to the SPCA looking for a puppy. I got an angel instead. Those huge knowing eyes staring out at me from behind the metal cage begged to be loved as no other did. She survived the mean streets of New Orleans, then parvovirus (which she had contracted at the shelter), mange, coccidia, and kennel cough. And that was all in the first three months of her life. She was the sweetest, most loyal, loving dog I'll ever have the privilage of sharing my life with. I was only graced with her presence for a mere eight years, but even a hundred years wouldn't have been enough. We had a connection, a bond that formed between us from the day I brought her home and introduced her into the family. She sensed when I was sad, when I was mad, and even when I was coming home from work. It didn't matter what time of day, if I came home five hours early, she would know and would be waiting by the window as I turned down the street. And when she died this morning, she was in the hospital across the lake, I was at home getting ready to go see her, and I knew. I knew she had passed. We beat the parvovirus, but couldn't beat the cancers that ravaged her liver and pancreas. She was the sweetest, most beautiful girl that God ever put on this planet and she is already sorely missed by Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, her four legged sisters and brother, and everyone whose life she touched. To my Nik-Nik, my Nicker-do, my Nicker-doodle-dandy, I love you so much. You can never be replaced. You will remain in my heart forever and ever. I just can't see how I can go on without you in my life. I can't bear to think of another day without those bright eyes looking up at me and that broad smile that always made me smile. What I wouldn't give to scratch behind those little rose ears again or to take you out back for a quick game of fetch. She was my baby, my light, my heart. Now my light has been extinguished and my heart has been ripped from my chest. I adore her still and I miss her more than words can say. I've lost pets before when I was a child, but nothing could have prepared me for this pain. "If tears could build a staircase and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to Heaven to bring you back again."

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[Ann H]

I wrote this to you before your message was moved. I love this picture too.

I am so sorry you lost your precious angel Nik-Nik. She was a beautiful girl and I know that no matter the length of time we are blessed with them it could never be enough time. Just let those tears fall they are for healing and to help you make it through. My little Snookie's eyes pierced right through my heart and soul too so I know how much beauty the eyes hold. Please come and tell us more about your little girl.
Ann

[Kathleen032]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Nikki. She sounds like such a special girl, and she was so cute...I love those ears!

I understand how your feeling about Nikki only gracing your life for 8 years. My Shiloh was only 5 when she died from lymphoma...I agree a hundred years with her wouldn't have been enough either.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[Rusty's Mom]

Dear Dawn,

I'm so sorry about Nikki. She was a beautiful dog and a wonderful friend to you. Everyone here knows what you're going through and will help you along the way.


Thinking of you,
Lynn

[Muffins]

Hi!

I am sorry for the loss of you Nikki!! She was so beautiful!!

If you had to come to a pet-grief site, I am happy that you chose this one........Everyone here understands exactly
how you are feeling...

We are all here for you..

God Bless You and Yours as you start this journey..

Always know that your Nik-Nik is with you.....She's right in your heart

Love, Denise

[dawnb93]

Thank you all so much for your loving words and support. It's been three days without my Nik and it seems like an eternity. I found myself sitting at my desk at work today staring at her picture (in her Supergirl Halloween costume) and crying all day. I tried to tell myself that Nik wouldn't want that...she was so in tune to my feelings. Whenever I would be upset or crying, she would come up and gently nudge my hand or put her head in my lap trying to comfort me. It always worked. Even when she was in the hospital dying, she tried to comfort her grandpa and me. She was certainly an angel. It does help to know that there are others out there who know how I feel. I feel blessed to have had Nik in my life and I know I'll see her again at the Bridge someday. (I'm sorry if this feels like deja vu, I somehow ended up with two almost identical postings).

[Caroline]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Nikki. What a beautiful and sensitive looking little soul. Like Kathleen, who also posted a response, I lost my dog Lucy to cancer in February. Like Nikki, she was young, and I felt cheated out of many more years with her. You must be feeling incredibly sad right now. You have suffered a tremendous loss. I loved hearing your story about how you and Nikki met. True soul mates...always and forever. I am thinking of you during this very difficult time...

Fondly, Caroline

[litebrez]

Dear Dawn,

How wonderful that you rescued your angel from the SPCA eight years ago..........and blessed with those special years of never ending love. Nik-Nik loved you so much and let you know by being sensitive to your feelings. Our loved ones are so intuitive.
Seems like they are so happy when you are happy and get sad when you are sad..........though, they would do anything possible to make you give them a smile...........so they know your ok.. Thank goodness for the sweet, loving memories we have and remember most, during this difficult time.

I was so lucky to have Esabella for eight years and have been missing her terribly for almost four months now. The first few weeks are the most difficult. Staying busy helps and staying in touch with us is wonderful as you are with people who care and understand your heartful feelings.

PLease take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

Litebrez

[dawnb93]

It's day four without my Nik. Today was especially hard for me. I had to go to the Vet to pick up her ashes. Somehow that made it seem even more real. Now I've awakened and I'm living the nightmare. I'm trying to remember the good times and console myself with the knowledge that if I had not chosen her in the first place, she wouldn't have even had eight years. She would've died from the parvovirus. And she was happy and healthy for most of those years. Luckily for us, her illness in the end was short lived and she went quickly. But that also made it very unexpected and possibly even harder to take. I don't know. Is it better to know that the end is coming? Does that give you time to prepare? Or would that have made it even more agonizing, knowing that she was dying? All I know now is that I miss her terribly and I want her back. She was my first baby, my big girl, my sweet Nik-Nik. My house, my life will never be the same without her.

[Kathleen032]

Dear Dawn,

I know how your feeling about receiving Nikki's ashes. It does make their passing so final.

I found that coming here and sharing my feelings and thoughts about Shiloh's passing has really helped my grief process. I hope that you will come often and share your feelings. The people here will embrace you and your grief with kindness and understanding.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[Caroline]

Dawn-

I often wondered if it was worse that I knew Lucy was going to die ahead of time as opposed to being taken away suddenly. I was completely stunned when I learned she had lymphoma ancer at age 5. It seemed unreal. I started grieving and she hadn't even passed yet.
After the diagnosis, we had one great month with her. Her vet put her on steroids and she regained her appetite and energy. I will always cherish the time we had together. I call it the long goodbye, becuase it wasn't quick, but rather drawn out over an extended period. It is gut-wrenhing and excruciatingly difficult either way you look at it. You are still fresh in the process, so I am sure the pain is still swallowing you up at times.
Getting the ashes back is really final, I know. It is still hard for me to believe that my big Lucy girl fits into a small wooden box. Hang in there, and remember the good times you had with Nikki when you find yourself thinking about the last days. Like you said, she eight years of wonderful, and that was probably more than she ever could have hoped for.

Take care, Caroline

[Steph]

Somehow my previous response got erased. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you lost your beloved friend. She was a real beauty. As lame as it sounds, it does get better with time. When my Luba first died I thought that I was going mental, but I'm ok again.

Come here and post often.

[dawnb93]

It's day six without my Nik. My heart still hurts. I wake up crying every morning and go to bed crying every night. The drive home from work is unbearable because I know she won't be there looking out the front window waiting for me to get home. I know she won't be standing at the door waiting as I come in. Every day for eight years she was there. And now she has suddenly been ripped from my life. I used to look forward to coming home. Now I dread it. Even though I have other girls (a golden retriever mix and six cats), the house is just not the same without Nik. Kasha, the golden, is lost without her, too. Nik was the Alpha and Kash followed her everywhere, did everything she did. If Nikki asked to go outside, Kasha followed. If Nikki barked at the mailman, Kash barked (although I'm not sure she knew what she was barking at). Now Kasha is silent. She's grieving and I'm trying to be there for her, but it's hard to comfort her when there's no comfort for me in sight. I would give my left arm for one more day with Nik. One more game of fetch. One more hug. One more smile from my big girl. But I know that's not possible. Not right now. Not until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge. Thanks all for listening and thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.

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[Steph]

I too was left with a totally bewildered and "alph-less" golden retriever after my luba died. Falkor, my golden went into a depression. He ended up being the first reason that I had to struggle to keep living myself. I forced myself to eat in order to keep up my strength to help him.

Animals grieve when they lose their companion. See if you can get playing some games with Kasha to keep her from going into a slump the way my Falkor did. You may need to buy her some new toys. My Falkor refused to touch anything that Luba had been in contact with, but he played happily with the new toys I got for him.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[dawnb93]

Thanks for the reply, Steph. I managed to get myself up and go out to play with Kash this morning. She ran out into the yard and looked around for Nik and then went back to the door, kind of like she was waiting for Nik to come out. I went and got a couple of the balls in the yard and discovered that she, too, would not play with the one that had been Nikki's. We did have a good game of fetch with Kasha's ball, however, and then I took her for a ride in the car (another of her favorite activities). I broke down in the car, feeling guilty that I had not taken Nikki on enough rides - mainly because, while she loved to ride, she was not a good rider. And Nik's last ride in the car was to the Vet where she died. Was I really a good mom? Did she know how much she was loved? Why didn't we catch the cancer earlier and would it have even mattered? Thanks again for your advise and support. Coming here and knowing that there are others out there that understand really does help.

[dawnb93]

It was one week ago this morning that Nikki passed away. It was a very difficult day for me. I panicked today and took Kasha to the Vet for no reason. I insisted that they do a complete physical and blood work, even though she was at the Vet for shots and a physical not six months ago. They obliged me and they completely understood why I was there. Kasha was such a good girl and it turns out that she's fine. All of her blood work came back completely normal. "Great" was the Vet's exact word. I broke down and cried talking to the Vet about Nik. I thought I was finished crying, but I probably have a long road ahead of me. Then I went to work where I can't cry. I supervise convicted felons and I cannot let them see weakness. However, I cry in the car on the way to work and on the way home. I find myself talking to Nikki in the car as if she was sitting in the back seat looking out the window like she loved to do. I tell her how much I loved her and how she was such a good girl. I tell her that I'm sorry we couldn't save her and how much we all miss her. I tell her that I'm trying to be strong, that I'm trying not to cry because I know she wouldn't want me to be upset. I imagine her coming up and putting her head on my lap to comfort me. I tell her that she will always hold a special place in my heart and that she can never be replaced. I told her today that I think that I'm going to start looking for a new puppy. Kasha and I both need it and I know Nikki would want us to save another pup. She was always so thankful it seemed, after I adopted her. Well, I gotta go. Have to go to work in the morning. Thanks all for listening again and thanks again for all your support. I hope that one day I will be able to offer the same to someone in our shoes, but for now the wound is too fresh and I am still unable to console myself, much less anyone else. Thank you again. God bless you all.

[Norah'sMom]

Dawn,

I had two wonderful years with my Allie, who passed away suddenly on Friday, March 11, 2005. I went through all the same emotions that you described, and now that the initial shock has somewhat passed, I don't know how to feel. Things are so different now that she's gone (our dog Norah has been a part of the household for only a little over a month) and I feel Allie's presence slowly slipping away as I sweep away what's left of her dog hair on the floor, or put away her favorite toys in a box (it hurts me too much to see Norah ripping the stuffing out). I gaze at her picture and remember what her soft little head felt like to pet, but it's just not the same. She was my first dog and she was my baby. We had such a close bond and her death was so unexpected. Norah helps a little, but sometimes I'm frustrated that she can't do the things that Allie used to do.

Do you think it's better to continue to let the emptiness subside as I shift my focus to Norah, or should I hang on to every last bit of Allie that I can? I know that she'll always be a part of me, but I just don't want to let her memory fade. And like you with Nikki, oh what I wouldn't give for just one more day with Allie.

"One more day. One more time. One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again, I know what it would do. Would leave me wishing still for one more day with you."

God bless, Jenny

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[dawnb93]

Hi Jenny. Allie was a beautiful girl. I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand where you're coming from. Nikki's death was also sudden and unexpected. Don't worry about forgetting Allie. It sounds like she meant the world to you as my Nik-Nik did to me. I wanted to make sure that I did focus my attention on my other girl, Kasha, after Nik died because Kasha is grieving also and needs me to be there for her. I don't think for a second that it will make me forget about Nikki. If anything, it makes me think about her more. I have had trouble with trying to compare the two girls (Nik was extremely intelligent, Kasha's not the brightest bulb on the tree, etc), but I have to stop myself. Kasha has her own personality and I love her for it. To make sure that I don't forget a thing about Nik, I have fixed a couple of collage photo frames that I have around the house and in my office. I also dedicated a photo album strictly to her and started a sort of Nikki diary. Everytime I think of something that Nik used to do or remember a special time, event, or story, I write it down. Like the time that she tried to save her grandpa from the evil shovel monster (the shovel monster won and Nik had a scar on her nose to prove it). Or like how she used to let her kitty sisters groom her ears and play with her tail. I write down everything. That way I'm sure not to forget anything about my special girl. With time, the pain will lessen, but the memories will remain. And Nik will always have a special place in my heart as Allie will for you. Come to this site and post often as everyone here knows what you're going through. Take care. God bless.

Dawn

[Ann H]

I just had to come back in and say what an extremely beautiful picture of your precious babies under the tree. I really love it.

Also to Jenny please come and make a post of your own and tell us about your darling Allie. We would like to hear more.
Ann

[Norah'sMom]

Thank you, Dawn. It sounds like Nikki had quite the lively personality. That is a wonderful idea about the journal. I think I will start one for Allie so I don't forget any of the things she used to do. It is hard comparing her to Norah because they are so different, but you are right, Norah has her own personality and I should (and do) love her for it. And Ann, thank you for your interest. I will start a post about Allie. God bless, Jenny