In 1997, I went to the SPCA looking for a puppy. I got an angel instead. Those huge knowing eyes staring out at me from behind the metal cage begged to be loved as no other did. She survived the mean streets of New Orleans, then parvovirus (which she had contracted at the shelter), mange, coccidia, and kennel cough. And that was all in the first three months of her life. She was the sweetest, most loyal, loving dog I'll ever have the privilage of sharing my life with. I was only graced with her presence for a mere eight years, but even a hundred years wouldn't have been enough. We had a connection, a bond that formed between us from the day I brought her home and introduced her into the family. She sensed when I was sad, when I was mad, and even when I was coming home from work. It didn't matter what time of day, if I came home five hours early, she would know and would be waiting by the window as I turned down the street. And when she died this morning, she was in the hospital across the lake, I was at home getting ready to go see her, and I knew. I knew she had passed. We beat the parvovirus, but couldn't beat the cancers that ravaged her liver and pancreas. She was the sweetest, most beautiful girl that God ever put on this planet and she is already sorely missed by Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, her four legged sisters and brother, and everyone whose life she touched. To my Nik-Nik, my Nicker-do, my Nicker-doodle-dandy, I love you so much. You can never be replaced. You will remain in my heart forever and ever. I just can't see how I can go on without you in my life. I can't bear to think of another day without those bright eyes looking up at me and that broad smile that always made me smile. What I wouldn't give to scratch behind those little rose ears again or to take you out back for a quick game of fetch. She was my baby, my light, my heart. Now my light has been extinguished and my heart has been ripped from my chest. I adore her still and I miss her more than words can say. I've lost pets before when I was a child, but nothing could have prepared me for this pain. "If tears could build a staircase and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to Heaven to bring you back again."

I wrote this to you before your message was moved. I love this picture too.

I am so sorry you lost your precious angel Nik-Nik. She was a beautiful girl and I know that no matter the length of time we are blessed with them it could never be enough time. Just let those tears fall they are for healing and to help you make it through. My little Snookie's eyes pierced right through my heart and soul too so I know how much beauty the eyes hold. Please come and tell us more about your little girl.
Ann

I'm so sorry for your loss of Nikki. She sounds like such a special girl, and she was so cute...I love those ears!

I understand how your feeling about Nikki only gracing your life for 8 years. My Shiloh was only 5 when she died from lymphoma...I agree a hundred years with her wouldn't have been enough either.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Dear Dawn,

I'm so sorry about Nikki. She was a beautiful dog and a wonderful friend to you. Everyone here knows what you're going through and will help you along the way.


Thinking of you,
Lynn

Hi!

I am sorry for the loss of you Nikki!! She was so beautiful!!

If you had to come to a pet-grief site, I am happy that you chose this one........Everyone here understands exactly
how you are feeling...

We are all here for you..

God Bless You and Yours as you start this journey..

Always know that your Nik-Nik is with you.....She's right in your heart

Love, Denise

Thank you all so much for your loving words and support. It's been three days without my Nik and it seems like an eternity. I found myself sitting at my desk at work today staring at her picture (in her Supergirl Halloween costume) and crying all day. I tried to tell myself that Nik wouldn't want that...she was so in tune to my feelings. Whenever I would be upset or crying, she would come up and gently nudge my hand or put her head in my lap trying to comfort me. It always worked. Even when she was in the hospital dying, she tried to comfort her grandpa and me. She was certainly an angel. It does help to know that there are others out there who know how I feel. I feel blessed to have had Nik in my life and I know I'll see her again at the Bridge someday. (I'm sorry if this feels like deja vu, I somehow ended up with two almost identical postings).

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Nikki. What a beautiful and sensitive looking little soul. Like Kathleen, who also posted a response, I lost my dog Lucy to cancer in February. Like Nikki, she was young, and I felt cheated out of many more years with her. You must be feeling incredibly sad right now. You have suffered a tremendous loss. I loved hearing your story about how you and Nikki met. True soul mates...always and forever. I am thinking of you during this very difficult time...

Fondly, Caroline

Dear Dawn,

How wonderful that you rescued your angel from the SPCA eight years ago..........and blessed with those special years of never ending love. Nik-Nik loved you so much and let you know by being sensitive to your feelings. Our loved ones are so intuitive.
Seems like they are so happy when you are happy and get sad when you are sad..........though, they would do anything possible to make you give them a smile...........so they know your ok.. Thank goodness for the sweet, loving memories we have and remember most, during this difficult time.

I was so lucky to have Esabella for eight years and have been missing her terribly for almost four months now. The first few weeks are the most difficult. Staying busy helps and staying in touch with us is wonderful as you are with people who care and understand your heartful feelings.

PLease take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

Litebrez

It's day four without my Nik. Today was especially hard for me. I had to go to the Vet to pick up her ashes. Somehow that made it seem even more real. Now I've awakened and I'm living the nightmare. I'm trying to remember the good times and console myself with the knowledge that if I had not chosen her in the first place, she wouldn't have even had eight years. She would've died from the parvovirus. And she was happy and healthy for most of those years. Luckily for us, her illness in the end was short lived and she went quickly. But that also made it very unexpected and possibly even harder to take. I don't know. Is it better to know that the end is coming? Does that give you time to prepare? Or would that have made it even more agonizing, knowing that she was dying? All I know now is that I miss her terribly and I want her back. She was my first baby, my big girl, my sweet Nik-Nik. My house, my life will never be the same without her.

Dear Dawn,

I know how your feeling about receiving Nikki's ashes. It does make their passing so final.

I found that coming here and sharing my feelings and thoughts about Shiloh's passing has really helped my grief process. I hope that you will come often and share your feelings. The people here will embrace you and your grief with kindness and understanding.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Dawn-

I often wondered if it was worse that I knew Lucy was going to die ahead of time as opposed to being taken away suddenly. I was completely stunned when I learned she had lymphoma ancer at age 5. It seemed unreal. I started grieving and she hadn't even passed yet.
After the diagnosis, we had one great month with her. Her vet put her on steroids and she regained her appetite and energy. I will always cherish the time we had together. I call it the long goodbye, becuase it wasn't quick, but rather drawn out over an extended period. It is gut-wrenhing and excruciatingly difficult either way you look at it. You are still fresh in the process, so I am sure the pain is still swallowing you up at times.
Getting the ashes back is really final, I know. It is still hard for me to believe that my big Lucy girl fits into a small wooden box. Hang in there, and remember the good times you had with Nikki when you find yourself thinking about the last days. Like you said, she eight years of wonderful, and that was probably more than she ever could have hoped for.

Take care, Caroline

Somehow my previous response got erased. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you lost your beloved friend. She was a real beauty. As lame as it sounds, it does get better with time. When my Luba first died I thought that I was going mental, but I'm ok again.

Come here and post often.

It's day six without my Nik. My heart still hurts. I wake up crying every morning and go to bed crying every night. The drive home from work is unbearable because I know she won't be there looking out the front window waiting for me to get home. I know she won't be standing at the door waiting as I come in. Every day for eight years she was there. And now she has suddenly been ripped from my life. I used to look forward to coming home. Now I dread it. Even though I have other girls (a golden retriever mix and six cats), the house is just not the same without Nik. Kasha, the golden, is lost without her, too. Nik was the Alpha and Kash followed her everywhere, did everything she did. If Nikki asked to go outside, Kasha followed. If Nikki barked at the mailman, Kash barked (although I'm not sure she knew what she was barking at). Now Kasha is silent. She's grieving and I'm trying to be there for her, but it's hard to comfort her when there's no comfort for me in sight. I would give my left arm for one more day with Nik. One more game of fetch. One more hug. One more smile from my big girl. But I know that's not possible. Not right now. Not until we meet again at Rainbow Bridge. Thanks all for listening and thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.

I too was left with a totally bewildered and "alph-less" golden retriever after my luba died. Falkor, my golden went into a depression. He ended up being the first reason that I had to struggle to keep living myself. I forced myself to eat in order to keep up my strength to help him.

Animals grieve when they lose their companion. See if you can get playing some games with Kasha to keep her from going into a slump the way my Falkor did. You may need to buy her some new toys. My Falkor refused to touch anything that Luba had been in contact with, but he played happily with the new toys I got for him.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the reply, Steph. I managed to get myself up and go out to play with Kash this morning. She ran out into the yard and looked around for Nik and then went back to the door, kind of like she was waiting for Nik to come out. I went and got a couple of the balls in the yard and discovered that she, too, would not play with the one that had been Nikki's. We did have a good game of fetch with Kasha's ball, however, and then I took her for a ride in the car (another of her favorite activities). I broke down in the car, feeling guilty that I had not taken Nikki on enough rides - mainly because, while she loved to ride, she was not a good rider. And Nik's last ride in the car was to the Vet where she died. Was I really a good mom? Did she know how much she was loved? Why didn't we catch the cancer earlier and would it have even mattered? Thanks again for your advise and support. Coming here and knowing that there are others out there that understand really does help.

It was one week ago this morning that Nikki passed away. It was a very difficult day for me. I panicked today and took Kasha to the Vet for no reason. I insisted that they do a complete physical and blood work, even though she was at the Vet for shots and a physical not six months ago. They obliged me and they completely understood why I was there. Kasha was such a good girl and it turns out that she's fine. All of her blood work came back completely normal. "Great" was the Vet's exact word. I broke down and cried talking to the Vet about Nik. I thought I was finished crying, but I probably have a long road ahead of me. Then I went to work where I can't cry. I supervise convicted felons and I cannot let them see weakness. However, I cry in the car on the way to work and on the way home. I find myself talking to Nikki in the car as if she was sitting in the back seat looking out the window like she loved to do. I tell her how much I loved her and how she was such a good girl. I tell her that I'm sorry we couldn't save her and how much we all miss her. I tell her that I'm trying to be strong, that I'm trying not to cry because I know she wouldn't want me to be upset. I imagine her coming up and putting her head on my lap to comfort me. I tell her that she will always hold a special place in my heart and that she can never be replaced. I told her today that I think that I'm going to start looking for a new puppy. Kasha and I both need it and I know Nikki would want us to save another pup. She was always so thankful it seemed, after I adopted her. Well, I gotta go. Have to go to work in the morning. Thanks all for listening again and thanks again for all your support. I hope that one day I will be able to offer the same to someone in our shoes, but for now the wound is too fresh and I am still unable to console myself, much less anyone else. Thank you again. God bless you all.

Dawn,

I had two wonderful years with my Allie, who passed away suddenly on Friday, March 11, 2005. I went through all the same emotions that you described, and now that the initial shock has somewhat passed, I don't know how to feel. Things are so different now that she's gone (our dog Norah has been a part of the household for only a little over a month) and I feel Allie's presence slowly slipping away as I sweep away what's left of her dog hair on the floor, or put away her favorite toys in a box (it hurts me too much to see Norah ripping the stuffing out). I gaze at her picture and remember what her soft little head felt like to pet, but it's just not the same. She was my first dog and she was my baby. We had such a close bond and her death was so unexpected. Norah helps a little, but sometimes I'm frustrated that she can't do the things that Allie used to do.

Do you think it's better to continue to let the emptiness subside as I shift my focus to Norah, or should I hang on to every last bit of Allie that I can? I know that she'll always be a part of me, but I just don't want to let her memory fade. And like you with Nikki, oh what I wouldn't give for just one more day with Allie.

"One more day. One more time. One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again, I know what it would do. Would leave me wishing still for one more day with you."

God bless, Jenny

Hi Jenny. Allie was a beautiful girl. I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand where you're coming from. Nikki's death was also sudden and unexpected. Don't worry about forgetting Allie. It sounds like she meant the world to you as my Nik-Nik did to me. I wanted to make sure that I did focus my attention on my other girl, Kasha, after Nik died because Kasha is grieving also and needs me to be there for her. I don't think for a second that it will make me forget about Nikki. If anything, it makes me think about her more. I have had trouble with trying to compare the two girls (Nik was extremely intelligent, Kasha's not the brightest bulb on the tree, etc), but I have to stop myself. Kasha has her own personality and I love her for it. To make sure that I don't forget a thing about Nik, I have fixed a couple of collage photo frames that I have around the house and in my office. I also dedicated a photo album strictly to her and started a sort of Nikki diary. Everytime I think of something that Nik used to do or remember a special time, event, or story, I write it down. Like the time that she tried to save her grandpa from the evil shovel monster (the shovel monster won and Nik had a scar on her nose to prove it). Or like how she used to let her kitty sisters groom her ears and play with her tail. I write down everything. That way I'm sure not to forget anything about my special girl. With time, the pain will lessen, but the memories will remain. And Nik will always have a special place in my heart as Allie will for you. Come to this site and post often as everyone here knows what you're going through. Take care. God bless.

Dawn

I just had to come back in and say what an extremely beautiful picture of your precious babies under the tree. I really love it.

Also to Jenny please come and make a post of your own and tell us about your darling Allie. We would like to hear more.
Ann

Thank you, Dawn. It sounds like Nikki had quite the lively personality. That is a wonderful idea about the journal. I think I will start one for Allie so I don't forget any of the things she used to do. It is hard comparing her to Norah because they are so different, but you are right, Norah has her own personality and I should (and do) love her for it. And Ann, thank you for your interest. I will start a post about Allie. God bless, Jenny

Thanks Ann. That picture was taken this past Christmas. Little did I know that it would be Nik's last. She loved Christmas morning just like a human child because she would wake up and Santa Paws always filled her stocking with goodies and there were lots of presents to open. And unlike any of my other girls and guy, Nik knew how to open her own presents. I'd love it if y'all would check out my web site. It's dedicated to my precious babies. Thanks again to Ann and everyone for all of your support!

Dawn

Hi Dawn, I checked out your web site and it was very exciting seeing all the wonderful pictures. I loved looking at your babies and you and your family. Very very nice.
Ann

Today marks two weeks since Nikki's death. I'm not crying quite as much, but I still miss her so much that it hurts. My heart still aches. My hands want to reach out and scratch her behind her little rose ears. As I sit here and type, I can see her standing in the hall watching me, making sure that I'm still here and okay. I know that I was so blessed to have had her in my life, even if it was for just a short time, and I thank God for every day that her gave me with her. I just wish it we would have had a little longer...like three or four years longer. That's what I had prepared for. I knew that dogs her size usually live to be about 10-12 years old and she's been healthy (or so we thought) since she got through the Parvo at three months old. I just wasn't prepared for this. Nobody was prepared for this. When we took her to the Vet, we thought she had eaten something she shouldn't have or, worst case scenario, we thought it may be bloat. We knew it would be expensive, we knew it could mean surgery, and we knew that we would be bringing her home eventually. We just didn't know that she would be coming home in a wooden urn. Oh sweet Nikki. Our lives will never be the same without you. We love you, baby, always.

She was a beautiful dog. I can see her gentle soul in her eyes. You're so lucky she was in your life. I hope the pain eases as time goes on....for all of us. Today is my one week anniversary and so far I'm okay. I think I've hit a denial stage...I dunno. I'm sure it will come on when I least expect it.
Thinking of you,
Audrey

I haven't been here in a while as I was busy recovering from a car accident, planning a wedding and moving into a new house. It's been almost four months since my precious Nik passed on. I don't cry as often, but I do still grieve for her. I have good days and bad days. Tonight is especially hard for some reason. I lay here in bed with my new husband snoring beside me and my new puppy laying at my feet and yet I feel as if I will never be happy again. I would gladly give it all up just to have Nikki back again. I do love my new pup, Arwen. And I do find that she has been a source of comfort and the kind of unconditional love that only a canine can provide. But I also close my eyes and see sweet Nikki laying by the bed or on the sofa, running in the yard with her favorite football in her mouth, sitting pretty for her nightly treat, or gently nudging my hand for some well deserved ear scratches. God, I miss her. And I want her back, healthy and happy again. I know that is impossible, but it's what I want, nonetheless. Good nite, sweet Nik. I'll see you someday again at the Bridge. Good nite everyone and thanks for listening.

I just can't stop crying from reading this. My Sushie died March 4th around the same time as Nikki, it's been 3 months, and I feel exactly the same as you do still. I miss her more than life. I never, ever, ever felt this way about ANYTHING in my whole 52 years of living.

God Bless you, God Bless Nikki's soul.

Christmas eve. The first Christmas since Nik died. Santa can't bring me what I really want - my precious Nikki back. It's been 10 months now since she passed and I feel like it was yesterday. I wonder if I will ever be able to think of her without breaking down completely. I try to think of the good times, but always end up going back to the last time I saw her - lying on the table at the vet's office, her eyes rolled back in her head, her little tongue hanging out of her mouth, her body broken and helpless. I always thought Nik would die of old age. Cancer never even entered my mind. I still wonder what would have happened if we had caught it earlier... Oh my beautiful girl, I miss you so much it hurts even today and I would give anything to have you back in my arms again. Please come see me in my dreams and let me know you're okay and that you're waiting for me at the Bridge. I love you, baby.

I read this entire thread, and it took forever through all the tears. Your Nik-Nik's life story, and your once in a lifetime 'canine soulmate' bond you have with her is the mirror image of my own. Their passing wasn't for the same reason, but other than that, I could have sworn I was reading my own words. My Sasha was 16 years old when I had to put her to sleep. It has been over a year and five months since I lost my Sasha, and I miss her more every day. I still think of her daily (I wear her ashes in a cremation necklace, and I see it every time I look in the mirror, so it is a constant reminder), and I'm glad. I know I'll never forget her, but I have fear with every passing day that I will forget how she smelled, how her fur felt, what her 'voice' sounded like. I watch home videos of her all the time, and that keeps me feeling close to her. It helps to keep my thoughts on the good times we had, instead of focusing on those last few moments we had together. I can only say that you and I can feel very proud that we rescued these furbabies from the SPCA and gave them unmeasureable love. I really believe they knew we saved them and that was why their love and loyalty went above and beyond....they wanted us to be sure that we knew how much they appreciated us, and all that we did for them, when they really did so much more for us than they could ever understand. Hang in there, and try to remember the happy times you had with her. In your own words, you gave her 8 GLORIOUS years that she would have other wise never known....not bad for a 'pound puppy' !
Your Friend in Grief,
Kim

I've been dismayed that when I think of Magic - who left 1 week and 5 days ago - I dwell on how I found her already gone, it was my last sight of her and it does stick in my head. I don't want to remember that last moment, but I do. Perhaps I'll get to the point one day when that doesn't end up being what my mind flips to when I think of her, cause I do want to remember the good times and keep those close. Somehow, though, I think Magic is telling me that it's okay if I move on, since she has. I got that eerie card the other day from Alley Cat Allies with a picture that looked just like her, and then last night I had the most vivid dream about her. In the dream, instead of trying to adjust a feral cat to living indoors, which is what I did with Magic over the course of 3 plus years, for some reason I was trying to acclimate her to living on her own, but not outside where she came from, but a safer place. I woke up thinking I was holding her and actually saying "I love you, Magic" over and over. She was never a very "huggy" cat but she was letting me hold her and tell her I loved her. When I woke up, I didn't want to believe that it was a dream, I tried to stay in that half-asleep mode so I could hold onto those moments. But through it all, I felt Magic's presence, and she and I were both happy with where she was. It was more comforting than I could tell you. I look forward to falling asleep tonight and perhaps seeing her again. Those are the memories I want to treasure, not the memory of her lying curled up so quiet and still on the sofa. I don't know if it helps anyone else, but I'm very reassured that my lost loved one seems happy and content. Maybe that's just wish fulfillment - that I want my cat to be happy, so I dream that she is. Whatever - right now it gives me comfort, and after questioning my sanity and living in misery since Magic has left, I've needed that kind of "wish fulfillment."

Merry Belated Christmas, everyone, you are all in my prayers.

I, too, had a wonderfully vivid dream of Sasha last night!! I always go to bed with her on my mind, and hope that it will spark a dream of her, but they are very few and far between. I think she knew I really needed her last night. I don't care if it IS 'just a dream', I was able to hold my baby, kiss her face, cry into her fur and tell her how much I have missed her and how much I love her. I told her how sorry I was, and that I would do anything if I could have her back, happy and healthy. That is how my dreams are when they are of her. They are so real, and in the present. They aren't just dreams with her in it, I always know that I am dreaming and that she is really gone. Like last night's dream.....It was at night, and I was going out my front door and I heard the distinct jingle of her collar coming toward me, but I couldn't see because it was dark. Then, out of nowhere, she came running into sight, doing her "excitement shivers" as we called them. She ran right into my arms. I am balling just typing this because it was the greatest feeling ever. She was so happy to see me that she was 'talking' so loud (kinda that vocal sound that husky's make) like she always did when I would come home. I just held her for what seems to be forever. I just looked at her, stared at her really, and let it all sink in. It was just so real.
I hope she is okay. She was always one of those that couldn't stand to be apart from her mommy. Even in high school, I couldn't spend the night away..my friends always had to stay with me because Sasha would just pace and whine once it started to get late and I wasn't home, which would keep my parents awake......so I worry about her being sad and lonely without me. She loved other animals, of all kinds, but that never seemed to be enough if her mommy wasn't there. I know my Mom tells me that the place she is in is so perfect that feelings of sadness and lonliness don't exist. That those are mortal feelings, not to be felt by our now immortal babies. They know nothing but peace and joy and never ending happiness. That they are with us, and see us all the time, so they don't experience the same feelings of seperation that we do. I hope she is right, I just miss her sooooo much..............
Kim

Dear Kim,

I’ve just lost my wee honey (Toty my hamster and best friend) a few days ago, and have been really comforted and encouraged by your story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us all.

I can see how much you cherished your lovely girl - you noticed and treasured every detail of all her ways and habits, and are carrying these memories with you now - they are a part of you.

You wrote you hope that Sasha’s ok. I’m still going thru all the tears and pain of losing my wee boy, but I’m feeling more and more convinced that, when we are bonded with our animals in love, this bond is forever and will transcend time and space and carry on until eternity. When we are ready, I really believe that our love, which is stronger than the death of our physical bodies; is so powerful that it will finally draw us together again. I think we all have an incredible and glorious reunion to look forward to!

It must have been wonderful to dream about your reunion and to be able to pour your heart out to Sasha and tell her exactly how you’re feeling and how much you love and miss her. I’m praying that I’ll have such a dream too (my wee one choked on an unsuitable ‘treat’, and I’d love to tell him how sorry I am etc – even though I’m convinced that he knows his already).

I’ve just come across this poem and thought you might like to have a read (maybe the rhyming’s a bit twee, but the words are very heartfelt and are ministering to me )

I Remember
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.
Author unknown

I’d love to write to more of you, but I'm still feeling drained cos of this grieving… be assured that I’m keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers at this time.

I’m finding it very moving to read about how much you love you all have for your special friends, thank you.

Love Toty’s mum

Toty's mum,
The love you have for your Toty is amazing to me. I would never think any differently because he is a hamster. I am someone who cries when one of my fish die, so all my pets are precious to me, both big and small! I think Toty was the luckiest little hamster in the world to have been loved so much. He was obviously spoiled, and I am just so sad to hear that he choked on a treat (I went back and read your previous post) that you gave to him and that you blame yourself. I know nothing I can say can make that feeling go away, and what a horrible guilt that would be to have to carry, but it was only coincidence that he choked on the particular treat you gave him. He could have choked on anything at any time, just as people can, and do. It was just an unfortunate accident and I wish you wouldn't blame yourself. Many years ago, I had a guinea pig that died suddenly when noone was home and we never figured out why, now I wonder if maybe the same thing may have happened to him. Just feel good about how loved he was (and boy was he cute!), and how different his life would have been if he would have ended up as some youngsters little object of entertainment! I am sure if he could do it all again, he wouldn't have traded a moment.

Thank you for sharing this poem with me when you are fresh in your own grief. It almost made me feel her sitting next to me as I read it. I also thank you for recognizing how special she was to me. I hope she knows it as well. I hope she knows that , although I love all my furchildren deeply, she was the one. There will never be another that could even come close to what she meant to me. Although I still have my Great Dane, Zada (and 2 cats and 3 horses), I really want another Ger. Shep., and I think she would want me to save another. Sasha was always so loving toward all animals and was always very accepting of any animal that ever entered her home. She would always share her toys, treats, bed, anything to make them feel at home. She would never act jealous or upset about it. It was almost like she was so humbled for what I had done for her, and wanted to help me help others, if that makes sense. I guess I just hope she knows that I want another, not to replace her, but to save another precious life. The love I will recieve from that precious baby in return will no doubt be a blessing, and will be recieved not in place of, but in honor of, the love of my Sasha, and what she taught me about how life changing a rescue dog can be.
Your Friend in Grief,
Kim

Toty'sMom:
Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem with us. It's been over 3 months since I lost my little baby boy "Toffee" and the pain is healing as the days go by. I read the poem out loud and broke down in tears. I felt like Toffee was talking to me in that poem. I really do believe my little Toffee has tried to come back and comfort me and he has found me laying around crying... I go in the grocery story and my eyes fill with tears as I am standing at the deli waiting for my turn. I carry the heavy bags out to the car remembering how my Toffee use to be in the car waiting for me. I would always hurry as fast as I could. He was excited to poke his nose in the grocery bags for a sniff to see the yummy things that were coming for dinner. I haven't spent much time by his grave because I don't want to believe he is there - but I did put a little iron bird bath, an iron bunny (for company) and an orange pumpkin, as well as a large rock from the beach with the words "I Love You, Toffee" painted on it.

I really feel like my "life" has fallen apart. I'm not really a camera person so I only have a few pictures of him, but this summer my mom took a picture of me holding Toffee in the park - she has a digital camera and can't seem to find the picture on any of her disks yet. I hope the picture still exists.

Thanks again for sharing the poem. I will probably be reading it every day for quite some time.

Thanks all for coming and sharing. I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I am sitting here tonight trying to think of words of comfort for so many others on this site who have lost a dear loved one, but it's so hard to try to comfort someone else when your own wound still feels so fresh. For that I am sorry. I feel as if I just take and don't give back. I hope that one day my pain will lessen and I will be able to offer words of advice and consolation. Until that day, all I can say is that I'm sorry for your losses and I know exactly what you are going through. Please visit my web page at http://home.bellsouth.net/p/PWP-mygang to read more about my precious girl. Under site contents - Nikki's Memorial Page. And from that page is a link to the "Nikki's Story" page. God bless you all and thanks again.

Dear Kim,

Thank you for taking the time to express your concern and support. Notes like these are helping me loads at the moment! I feel really privileged to receive such words of love and care, i.e. like your first paragraph. I’m going to print it out and read it every day, it’s so soothing!

I’ve had other pets too, who I also adored, but I feel that the bond with Toty was stronger that the others (my darlings, I love and miss you all too very much, and can’t wait to be with you again).

That’s so moving how Sasha actually ministered to other animals, how beautiful is this?! It’s sort of like she was passing onto others the love that you gave to her - and now you can continue her work by reaching out to others (animals and people) with the love that she has given you, and that you now carry inside you, everywhere you go. When you help another of her friends, I just know that she’ll be watching and it’ll really gladden her heart to see you carry on this amazing legacy that she’s given you.

With love and thoughts and prayers,

Toty’s mum.

Ps Thanks for the tip re the avatar, I wondered how to go about doing this!
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Dear Angelbaby,

Thank you for your lovely note. I’m so glad the poem is ministering to you, even tho lots of tears and pain are all tangled up together along with the healing.

Toffee’s a gorgeous name; I hope that your mum finds the picture of you both (it would be lovely to see him, and you). I pray that, even tho you don’t have many photos of your wee honey, you’ll find more and more memories coming back to you, of precious moments that you spent with him.

I have to cover up Toty’s grave cos it’s very near a public path, but I’d like to plant something there in the spring, maybe some heather. On Xmas day, when I visited the grave, I placed a heart shaped line of stones from my fish tank on top of Toty (and I ached to dig him up again and kiss him once more … probably you know the feeling!)

I can identify with feeling that your world’s fallen apart, or fallen in on top of you! I’m finding it difficult to get up and face the day at the moment (it’s only my faith in God that’s keeping me sane, at the moment). I’ll be praying for you (if that’s ok?) that He will give you all the strength that you need, and that you’ll gain lots of comfort from remembering all the special moments you spent with Toffee.

Be really gentle with yourself luv :-)

Thoughts n prayers,

Toty's mum

Toty's mum:

Thank you for the kind words and I will keep you in my prayers too. I hope to post a picture of my Toffee soon for you all to see. I am very proud of him. I adopted him from the shelter when his previous family dumped him off. All I know about him is that his previous owners didn't want to take care of him anymore, he was "over 10 yrs+" and they called him "ugly". How cruel. I saw his picture on petfinder.com and called immediately the next day for them to put him on hold for me as I made the 3-hour drive.

My daughter and I decided on the name we would call him as we were driving because before we started out we had stopped at Starbucks Coffee for a Toffee Nut Frappaccino. When we got there my little sweetheart (a 6 lb white toy poodle) was trembling from head to toe... he couldn't stop shaking. He had very bad breath because the 8 teeth he had left were rotten (the vet pulled his remaining teeth out 5 days after I got him.) He was so skinny you could not feel any fat on him just skin and bones and his spine sticking up on his back. His tail was tucked tightly under and he walk with a little "hop and a skip" limp. When you reached to pet him he winced like he was going to be hit. I LOVE YOU, TOFFEE. I cry when I remember the condition you were in. Such a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL LOVING SOUL was housed in that delicate little body. I can't see through my tears now to type. I miss you! You taught me a love and gentleness I never experienced before. You were so sweet and funny you made me laugh every day! I miss seeing you curled up in your pile of pillows, quilts and feather covers - you looked like you were sleeping on a cloud. I miss hand feeding you three times a day!!

After I had Toffee for a week I realized that my little darling couldn't hear. Although he liked the vacuum cleaner and would stand right next to it when it was turned on. (I think he could hear that.) I called him my "brave little toaster". I only had him for a short time - 1 year, 4 months and a few more days. This dear little boy came into my life and healed a secret lonely spot in my heart that I was hiding. He is my AngelBaby. I miss having Toffee in my arms. I LOVE YOU, TOFFEE.

And Toty's mum,

I just want to say, that it has been very difficult for me to resist the urge to dig him up and hold him in my arms again and kiss him. I have sat up in the middle of the night thinking everyone is asleep - no one would know.... but I know that the minute I saw him I wouldn't be able to put him back.

But oh..... in my arms again.

I've just re-visited this site and read the poem and the several messages since it has been posted. After all the hubbub of the holidays, and cleaning up the mess, and trying not to remember what I've been feeling for 2 weeks tonight, I can now acknowledge my feelings and not put them off. The poem is just beautiful, and I feel Magic's presence quite frequently now, I just can't see her or pet her or play with her. They talk about the stages of grief, and maybe I've come to acceptance, the last of the 5 stages, but in some ways this is the worst because now I really, really know that Magic won't be sitting by her food bowl anymore, or playing hide-and-seek with me, or going into ecstacies over her catnip ration every other day. It gives me an even deeper sense of sadness and loss. And so I've been crying today and all the progress I thought I'd made towards dealing with the grief seems to dry up and go away. I'm very grateful for my other cats, cause I think they know how stressed I've been, and in my heart I know that Magic knows, and that's why she came to me in my dream. Maybe she will again, I don't know, it's very nice to have that reassurance but it's also good to have the feeling that she's happy and content where she is.

I am so sorry for the pain that all of you are going through, it can be the most desolate and heart-rending experience. I know that sometimes we don't feel we can survive this grief (well, I feel that way, anyway) but we will. And thank you all for being there and helping me. I appreciate it.

Angelbaby,

Your beautiful story has really touched my heart this morning. You and Toffee were such a special gift to each other! Thank you for rescuing this wee angel; how horrible it must’ve been for you to see his shivering and limping and skinny body. It makes me so angry to think of the cruelty that is inflicted on adorable animals like him!

Your post has helped me today cos I was struck by all the tenderness you expressed in it. It has given me the idea of trying to put all my deepest feelings about Toty down on paper/cyberspace too. I’ve just spoken to a friend on the phone, and she has just advised that I do exactly this!

Maybe this will help you also; to write a poem about your and Toffee’s love for each other, and all the beautiful moments you both shared. Even tho you don’t have many photos of him, this will be a collection of word pictures, which you can read as often as you like, and add to at any time J

Carry on being really gentle with yourself, and know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers,

Toty’s mum

Dear 5catsmom,

Thank you for your kind words today. Maybe writing a poem about all your special timew with Magic would be really comforting and helpful for you at the moment too?

Take care of yourself,

Toty’s mum

I also wrote down my memories in a journal. They were so clear in my mind and it is a treasure of Toffee I will always have. Here are a few entries from my 20 page memory journal... (it's kind-of long, you don't have to read it)

Toffee, I’ll never forget the way you made me laugh when I got home from work and you ran back and forth from the living room to the kitchen. Sometimes you would run so fast you would fall over on your side and slide across the kitchen floor. Happy guy.

Remember in the office when I played “That’s Alright Mama” by Elvis Presley and I held you and we danced around the room. It was fun. I danced by the mirror to see the expression on your face and you looked so happy.

On the 4th of July, many people were in the yard watching the fireworks, I brought you out. I think you liked being included in a special event. You ran around a little in the yard. I held you. I remember you twisting around in my arms and looking right in my eyes. You had never done that before. It was as if you wanted to say, "I am glad to be here. This is fun. Thank you." And I whispered in your ear "I'll always love you."

Once I walked around the room behind you gently holding your tail in a horizontal position to remind you to work on keeping it up. You mostly kept your tail tucked in, I think from habit and previous cir%%stances. I also liked to gently wag it side to side for you to remember happy times and to encourage you to experience them again. You didn’t mind at all. In fact, I think you were smiling when I was following you around holding your tail out. When I let go, you would try to keep it up. You understood what we were doing. It was a fun game. I miss you, Toffee.

Dear Kim, I'm sorry I haven't posted to you sooner. I had a bunch of really bad days right before Christmas. Nikki always loved Christmas. Santa Paws always filled her stocking with doggy toys and treats and she loved to stick her nose in there to get her surprises. She also knew how to open her presents...she'd put her paw on the package and tear at the paper with her teeth. She was a very smart girl. Anyhow, you are right. Our babies were lucky that we rescued them from the SPCA and we were even luckier that we found them. I know in Nik's case she would have died at the shelter from the Parvo. Your Sasha was a beautiful girl and it helps to think that she and Nikki might be up at the Bridge playing together, romping through the fields, keeping each other company until we meet again. I wish you well and pray that our pain lessens and only the good memories remain. Take care.

Dawn

Dawn- I remember you postings about your baby Nik-Nik's passing. I lost Lucy last February and although it has been almost a year, Christmas was hard to get through and I am really feeling sad now as we received Lucy's diagnosis of terminal lymphoma right after New Year's last year. It is still so fresh. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you during this time...

Caroline

Thank you Caroline. I also remember the picture of your gorgeous Lucy. And I remember the kind words you had for me when I needed it the lost. I am doing better now, but every now and then the grief just consumes me and I can't stop crying. Christmas was extremely painful, but I cannot imagine what March 14 will be like for me this year. It does help so much to know that there are people out there - caring, compassionate people - who really do understand and care. Thank you again for your support and kind words. And please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, also.

Dawn