The Waiting Is So Hard, Congestive Heart Failure Options

[ScottySlave]

This will sound horribly cruel at first, but I beginning to wish that my darling dog would just get it over with and die. I wake in the night and listen for her breathing. I wake up in the morning and listen for her breathing. I come home for lunch and wait to hear her collar tags jingle when I call to her from the door. When I come after work, the same thing. And every single time I have my own heart-stopping moment when I can't hear those reassuring noises quickly enough and then I freeze until I can detect some sound. She isn't sick enough yet to euthanize, but I don't want her to die alone, possibly suffering. It seems I'm just saying good-bye in inches. When she couldn't sleep on the bed with me because it was too soft, it was days before I could sleep through the night. I wasn't used to having the whole bed to myself. Our walks now last only minutes when we used to walk for at least an hour twice a day. She can't sleep in her favorite chair or bed -- too soft. We still play, but for only minutes, then she's short of breath.

This darling little Scotty picked ME. I sat down to watch the puppies and she stopped playing with her littermates and stared at ME. I wasn't even looking for a dog. I just heard puppies barking and followed the sound. She got me through years of an abusive marriage, my divorce, a total breakdown, and my recovery. When she goes, I will be dogless for the first time in 25 years. All the others were loved, but this little girl is my heart. Her's is failing and mine is breaking.

[jenn]

I am so sorry... Unfortunately, I can completely relate to how you feel. My boy was diagnosed with a chest tumor and given one month to live. He lived three... I too would often listen for his breathing.. it got so shallow at times... If he didn't greet me at the door right away my heart would stop... He got there eventually, he was just slower... I often wonder what's harder.... losing them unexpectedly, or knowing it's coming and having to live for weeks or months with that knowledge. I still can't decide which would have been worse... I only know that watching my sweet baby die was heartbreaking... and while my heart is still broken in his absence I am so glad he is no longer suffering.
My heart goes out to you... Freeway was my heart too, he got me through some pretty traumatic times... Unfortuntely they just don't have the lifespan we do - but the love they give lives on forever. I still feel him here and know he loves me, even in death...
We are here for you always... if you need to talk or vent.. we are here and many of us understand completely.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[ScottySlave]

She wasn't supposed to live a year. It's nearly 16 months now. Every day is borrowed time. If I'm missing her this much while she's still alive..........I think I can stand anything except having her dead in the car beside me. She's pretty much been my only "passenger" and my right hand was more often on her head than the steering wheel. I want to have her cremated but if she dies here at home, I don't think I can make the drive to the vet. But then we moms usually rise to the occasion when we have to.

I'd have given up without her. She's the reason I'm still alive; I promised to take care of her. She's the reason I got up in the morning; went out of the house; choked down food. She's helped me meet all my neighbors; it's impossible not to talk about one's dog, even when you don't feel like talking to anybody. A total stranger stopped me today and asked if I was the woman who used to walk her dog down their road. Yes, but we can't make it that far any more.

Maybe that's why I'm so sad tonight.

[Kathleen032]

I'm so sorry that Scotty is sick with congestive heart failure. It sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship...a relationship that started from the moment you laid eyes on each other.

I know exactly how your feeling with Scotty's illness. When Shiloh was in the last stages of lymphoma I felt like I was experiencing her death with each passing day, but then one day...it was kind of like an "ah-ha" moment...I said to Shiloh, "I'm going to stop dreading every second your alive, and start appreciating every second we have together." At that time I stopped thinking about "last seconds" and started rejoicing in "one more second."

I hope this helps.
You and Scotty are in my thoughts.
Kathleen

[BabyHannahsMom]

I just wrote a long reply to you and lost it before I posted it! Kathleen is so right -- cherish each and every single second. Take pictures, videos, get his "bark" on tape if you can. Talk to him, look him in the eyes. I am sorry to say that you will miss him so much more than you can ever imagine, even though you know it's going to be excruciating. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. Also, please read the some of the other stories on this site. I did have my little Hannah PTS and I'm not sure if I will ever totally be able to be at peace with that. I too did not want her to die alone in pain.
Marcia

[Noriko]

I agree. The hardest thing about death is the wait and anticipation that you have to make the decision to let them go. That's what I'm terrified about with Midnight. I know her day is coming, but I'm dreading the car ride there and the time she has left before we put her down. And I understand about missing her even before she's gone. I hate how she's going to meow her sweet little meows for the last time on that car ride. I see her everyday and live it like it's our last day together. I listen to her purrs, I bury my head in her fur, and I play with her and her red ribbon in the grass outside.

The hardest part is the wait.

I hope this helps

My preist told me that pets have a special heaven that they go to after they die. It's not like people heaven, It's their own little place. We can see them and watch them play, and we can get to love them while we are in heaven ourselves. So at least we know our pets go to a wonderful place where they will not be suffering, but they can continue on as they did at home, and then we can be with them when it is our turn to go to heaven.

I really hope this helps... This made me feel alot better. I am waiting for my Middy's time... (We've had her for 12 years so I know how you feel)

The good thing about this board is that we are all in this together, and we understand how you feel.

much love and prayers,

Noriko

[ScottySlave]

It is so comforting to be with friends who understand.

I have taken all your posts to heart. So what if our walks are shorter. She doesn't know it. She just trots on out, nose to the ground, zig-zagging along as she always has. I'm concentrating on memorizing (like I haven't after all these years) the way one hind leg turns out and that totally-Scotty gait. And I'm no longer getting exasperated when she materializes from out of nowhere when I cross my legs....."Back rub, Mom!". She taught herself that that, rubbing her back under my heel. My bed is very high and when I'm sitting on the side of the bed in the morning, waking up, she's right there for a two-foot rub.

Thanks especially for understanding about the last car ride. My other dogs were euthanized at home, but that's not an option now. I do have sedatives for her; I do not want to remember her shaking with fear at the vet's. My vet is wonderfully kind and gentle and my dog was never vet-shy until she needed emergency surgery. She seemed to have pretty much recovered from that episode, and was calming down during vet visits, when she was mauled by a Husky, required more surgery, and a stay at the clinic. She starts shaking now when I pull into the parking lot.

I'd rather stay in the animal heaven, if I have a choice.

[jenpij]

I am so sorry your little Scotty is so sick....but reading the other posts I agree...treasure every last minute with her !! We lost our 8 yr old golden Magee to lymphoma 2 weeks ago....the vet said the chemo would give her 6-9 months we were willing to do anything as long as she wasn't in pain...well the chemo made her VERY sick...she stopped eating for days and was very lethargic and the vet said it could be the chemo...well, 12 days after her intital treatment we lost our poor Magee....she barely walk and her breatjing became very labored and passed away in my husband's arms....so even though you know the inevitable is coming.....when it does come...it's almost unbearable !!! But this is a great website for support !!! Hang in there and love her with everything you have
Jen

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[Kaluja]

Thank you for your post. I have been dealing witht he exact same thing. Whenever I come home and open the front door I'm afraid my baby cat will be dead. Everytime I wake up in the morning I jump out of bed to make sure he's breathing. He isn't meowing anymore but he's still mentally there and he still likes to be pet and talked to. He likes to sit on the front porch and watch the neigbors kids play. He's still got life in him, but everyday it's like I'm on death watch. I've been trying to cherrish every moment, but when I leave to go work at a clients office I'm overwhelmed with anxiety of what I may find when I get home or evne worse that he might have to pass on alone and I so badly want to be with him. I'm afraid he will pass away at night and I will have to wait till the morning to take him to be cremated. I won't want to let him go but at the same time the idea of staring at his dead body all night kills me. There is so much anxiety attached to this process. My nerves are so worn down. I don't know if giving him his medicine is helping him be more comfortable or if it's dragging out everything and making it worse for him. I'm so confused and so overwhelmed with grief. It's a lose lose situation. No matter what way I look at it I am losing my baby.
Sarah

[ScottySlave]

Thanks, Jen. I feel so much better now that I can talk about my dog.

Kaluja -- I haven't yet decided when it will be time to euthanize my Scotty. Certainly loss of appetite is a pretty potent sign. And her breathing. I don't know if I'll go along with increasing her medication or not. I might if I thought it would keep her going until my office shuts down for the winter. Then I could be home with her again full time.

With all my others, there just came a sudden realization; I looked at them and it was obvious what I had to do. I called my vet's office today and learned that ashes are returned in a tin box. What I have thought about today is buying a casket in advance, so that if she should die here at home, I can transport her to the vet's office "in style", with her baby blanket and her first baby toy which somehow has survived for nearly 11 years. And then she can come home in the same manner as she left. The tin could be put inside the familiar box and I wouldn't have to see it until I was ready. It's all about tricking my mind, I guess. Creating a memory in advance, if you will, to make that last drive to and from town survivable.