Something Horrible Happened

I had written earlier about adopting two new cats, and not too long after I was leaving the house and I heard a cat making weird noises outside (not one of the cats I adopted). I rushed out of the house and saw two dogs across the street in the yard of the house that I had been feeding two cats who's owner had passed away, until the new owners moved in. I ran over and saw that they had attacked the cat that had looked like my baby Kaluja. It was horrible! I rushed it to the emergency vet and it died before I could even decide to put it to sleep. I am so traumatized! The poor baby! I had just fed it an hour earlier and it was sleeping near the bushes in the dirt. These dogs had sliced him open. He had blood coming from his mouth and then went into shock. I am so so so upset. I feel like dieing. I found the house the dogs belong to. The gate had been left open. The owners weren't home, but I left my number with the neigbors and asked them to tell the owners to call me. One of the owners came to my house and said he didn't know what happened, that is electric gate seems to be opening on it's own...this had happened before. I told him he needed to call an electrician right away because if his dogs killed another cat, I would have them killed. Don't get me wrong, I love all animals, but the idea of this poor kitty thinking it was safe in it's yard sleeping to be played with and killed my two dogs just kills me!!!! I know there was nothing he could do except promise to keep his dogs indoors until the gate is fixed. I am in such horrible pain. The two new cats I have adopted are freaked out by how upset I am. I am trying to calm down. This is just sooo painfull. There is one more kitty across the street and he normally comes out more at night. He won't know what happened. First he loses his mommy and sees all these weird people going in and out of his house and now his brother is gone. It just seems so wrong that this would happen just two weeks after my baby passed away. God help me!
Sarah

New Kitties Almost Make It Worse

My baby Kaluja died on Aug 8th and I was going to wait to get any new cats, but i broke down and took in two cats from a shelter. I hated the idea of them living that way and it makes it worse when you know that they had a home, but due to "allergies" they were given up. So, I picked them up yesterday and they are both very sweet. They are brother and sister. They are way larger then I thought they would be and my apartment is tiny, but I'm hoping to make it work.
I hate to say this, but it seems to be making me miss my baby more and I have the option of fostering them or adopting them and I think I want to foster, but the idea of putting them back in a box and moving them from adoption day to adoption day makes me feel guilty. My feelings are just so raw right now and I feel so guilty for thinking enough time had passed. This was supposed to be a joyfull experience and all though there are moments, most of the time I'm feeling sad. I feel so guilty and lost and confused. They slept with me last night and it was nice having them there and then sad because it wasn't my baby. I feel like I have a split personality. I feel crazy.
Sarah

My Baby Died Last Night

My baby cat Kaluja died last night around 3:20am. I feel I made a horrible mistake letting him pass away at home. It was just sooo horrible. He held on for hours and I feel like I should have taken him to the emergency vet and had him put down the minute he went into the first stages, but I had no clue what it was going to be like. I feel so bad. My baby is gone! My baby is gone! When his body finally shut down I felt so stupid for doing it this way. I know he wanted to be with me, but once he was in that coma state I should have taken him in.
I'm taking him to the vets today to be cremated. When I look at him he is still my baby. He doesn't look like an empty shell, but I feel like an empty shell. What do I do with all his things???? How do I sleep at night without him??/ How do I come home and not be with him anymore???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God help me.
Sarah

Losing My Cat

I just found this site and I'm grateful. My cat of 16 years is dieing and my heart is breaking. He is at the vets all weekend and I'm filled with so much fear. I visited him today, but can't see him until monday. He went in because he stopped eating and after tests he was diagnosed with Anemia caused by FIV related kidney problems. He had a blood transfusion yesterday and has improved very slightly. I know that even if he improves more, that the time is coming. The vet said he has at most a couple more months. I know I will have to make the decision to have him put to sleep or let him pass at home and I'm scared. I'm afraid if he passes at home that coming home to him dead will break me, but having him put to sleep in my arms makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. Having him put to sleep without me isn't a choice. The pain and fear is sooo overwhelming. I have no other pets and am not married, so he has been it for me over the last 16 years. I have suffered this loss before. I had to put a pet to sleep when I was 14 and it killed me. Thinking of experiencing that pain again......is like a knife through my spine. I will try to bring him home monday and I hope I won't be selfish in my choices. I just feel like I'm dieing inside. This is so hard.