Our Wonderful Baby Bruno Options

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Clinical professionals recognize that individual people grieve differently, and this is observed more when there are two or more people in the same household. It is important that you find a way to honor your beloved Bruno in the way that is helpful for you while taking into consideration Larry's feelings. This is part of the grief adjustment journey. If Larry is not able to handle a prominent memorial for Bruno - - for whatever reason - - at least not yet - - is there a more private area in your home that you could do this? Many people find it comforting to have a memorial place for their beloved companion with pictures, candles, etc., so what you are thinking about doing for your beloved Bruno is perfectly healthy and natural.

This grief adjustment journey is not a straight line from A to Z but rather is one of many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds. And when there are two or more people in the same household the journey can become more complicated because no two people grieve at the same pace nor always find comfort in the same thing. And if this is the first time you and Larry are experiencing a loss together, this is also "new terrirtory" you and Larry are exploring in your relationship.

Although I am the only human in my household I occasionally do have visitors. I have set aside a place in one of my storage rooms for a memorial area for my beloved companions. It is a private place that is not open to the view of others. And when I go into the storage room to put something away - - which is frequently - - I always take time to look at the memorials of my beloved companions. Perhaps in time you and Larry can find a way to openly honor your beloved Bruno together.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Thank you so much, Moon_beam!
You're right. Larry and I are grieving differently. He says he does have a tendency to keep the emotions in but it's also that he's tougher because of his life experience. He's okay now with setting a little memorial area for our baby Bruno. I ordered a few items already. I promised Larry that it's not going to be a sad depressing memorial. It's going to be a peaceful happy place to celebrate and appreciate Bruno's life.
And today, we got Bruno's ashes. Larry texted me about that around lunch. Since then, I had an even tougher time at work. There was a 2-hour long meeting and I just wanted to get out of there and cry. When I got home, Larry and I hugged each other, and I saw the beautiful cedar chest with a little lock, I just bawled. However, after some time, I really felt relieved. Our baby is back home. At least the essence of his body is back home. Larry and I talked quite a bit about how lucky we were to have such a wonderful boy for 13 years, and about how sweet and silly at times he was. Our eyes were teary but we genuinely felt gratitude. We truly muss him......
Thank you again moon_beam and everyone for reading my post. I will write more tomorrow.

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[Hani&Bruno]

I'm sitting out here on the patio. It's quite chilly and I brought a little jacket that I kept on a chair of the dining table. Bruno for some reason used to like sitting on the floor licking the tip of the zipper. That sweet memory brings tears to my eyes.
Waking up moment is so painful. I thought I felt a little weight around my foot for a moment. Lots of things made me sob again.
We haven't opened the wooden box yet. Now that we have his ashes and some of the items will be delivered today, I'm planning to set a little time to memorialize the one week anniversary at noon on Saturday. Just a little moment of silence and whispers to our Bruno. I'm wondering whether those of you who decided to keep the ashes of your beloved opened the box and looked. Last night I just didn't feel I was ready to do that.
Everything happened so fast... I still sometimes can't quite believe this happened...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. I'm so glad Larry is now okay with doing a memorial space for your beloved Bruno. It's okay to take your time about looking into the urn to see your beloved Bruno's ashes. They represent his sweet precious physical body which allowed you to embrace his sweet Living Spirit - - his precious soul who is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

It is quite normal for our beloved companions to find a way to let us know they are still with us - - such as you sharing with us: "I thought I felt a little weight around my foot for a moment." There are times when I hear a collar jingle or feel a thump on the bed and even hear a soft "meow" - - and I know it isn't my precious feline companion Noah. Rather, I KNOW these are visits from my beloved feline companions who are now with the angels letting me know they are still close by keeping me faithful company as they did during their earthly journey. I treasure these visits, as I know you do as well.

I hope your memorial observance of your beloved Bruno's one week angel-versary tomorrow will bring comfort to both you and Larry. I am so smiling at the picture of your beloved Bruno stretched out on the cushions. There is NO doubt at all from the expression on his face that he KNOWS he is loved and is very definitely the center of your lives.

The "good news" is that today is Friday and I hope today is treating you kindly at work, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Hi Moon_beam, again, thank you so much for your comforting words. I did find yesterday a bit easier compared to the day before. And you're so right, Bruno knows that he's immensely loved and the center of our lives. Everyone who knew us knew Bruno.
Last night, I recalled how absolutely horrifyingly difficult and heartbreaking the night a week earlier was. We had to make a heart-rending decision to let our baby go and on top of that our baby had a very tough night with a sudden breathing problem. Fortunately the next morning he was able to rest a bit.
This morning, from 11:30 till 12:10, which was exactly the time frame from when we took Bruno to the vet's office till we came out without him a week ago, Larry and I sat in front of Bruno and talked to him (we loved you the best we could, you were the best baby ever, we thank you for your unconditional love, you will live in our hearts forever, we'll reunite in heaven) and to each other, reliving some of the sweet memories with him, and cried, sobbed, smiled.
I know the sadness will never go away. Even when I recall the dogs I had 25, 30, 35 years ago, I still feel some dull pain in my heart. So the pain and sorrow of losing Bruno physically will never disappear. But if healing means making one or two or several steps out of being completely consumed by overwhelimg grief and despair, this one week anniversary and our little ceremony and this little place we set up will serve as one of the meaningful first steps. I'm still in the process of getting some more items but at this point our little memorial place for Bruno is looking like this.
Again I thank you Moon_beam and Kathy and all thoughtful people on this forum for offering me comfort. I will write more later.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and these wonderful pictures of your lovely memorial to your beloved Bruno. You are so right in what you share with us: "I know the sadness will never go away. Even when I recall the dogs I had 25, 30, 35 years ago, I still feel some dull pain in my heart. So the pain and sorrow of losing Bruno physically will never disappear. But if healing means making one or two or several steps out of being completely consumed by overwhelimg grief and despair, this one week anniversary and our little ceremony and this little place we set up will serve as one of the meaningful first steps." It doesn't matter how much time passes as we continue with our earthly journey when it comes to missing the physical presence of our beloved companions who have transitioned home to the angels. When our beloved companions transition from their earthly journey they take a part of our hearts with them - - a part that belongs only to them - - so that they will have a part of us with them while they patiently wait for our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. This is one of the many reasons why we feel like a part of us is missing. I often refer to this as being similar to the broken heart pendant - - when the two pieces are placed together the heart pendant is whole. When we join our beloved companions in eternal joy, our hearts will once again be totally reunited - - we will be whole with them never to be separated again. Until then, we continue with our earthly journey honoring the eternal love we share with them that neither time nor physical separation can diminish.

Thank you again for sharing with us your and Larry's memorial to your beloved Bruno. I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Thank you Moon_beam, yes, the memorial for Bruno is still a work in progress but it surely is giving me some comfort.
As I feel so much better here on the patio than inside when I'm home and also because I read that nature is a place to go when your heart is heavy with grief, I suggested to Larry that we go to some quiet park. We went to a local lake. We ate sandwich which was for me the first real solid food since last Saturday and watched a lot of birds in and out of the lake. Geese, seagulls, swans and some little black birds with bright orange markings on the cheek... Sparrows and pigeons too of course. It was nice. Saw quite a few people walking their dogs.
We stopped at a silk flowers store to see if we could find something suitable to put on Bruno's memorial. We couldn't find any really so we came home.
For some reason, I can't really watch television so much. It seems I can handle documentaries. Watching something about environmental problems, I just felt this huge swell of sorrows in my heart and cried for a while. Bruno's physical absence is still so brutally painful. We used to put doggie steps against the bed so he could get up and down the bed. Now it's not there but on the way back from the bathroom during the night I still walk far around the bed as if those steps were still there. It may be true that I'm slowly accepting the fact that he's no longer here physically, it still hurts so much. Seems like it is really one moment at a time... But I welcome a new day believing the accumulation of time will eventually make this journey a bit more manageable.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Jae!

I just caught up on the last few days' notes from you and moon_beam. And wow, what a picture of your sweet boy!! Moon_beam is so right about the expression on his face and that he completely knows how loved he is !! You and Larry are the most wonderful Dads!

I am very glad that you ate a sandwich at the lake. I know Bruno is glad too. I am really touched by how you and Larry are handling this very difficult grief journey--you are experimenting with and finding the things / routines that work for you--everything from sitting on the patio, putting together a very special memorial, etc. etc. There is such wisdom and heart in everything you are doing.

The memorial is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I noticed the card with the birds on it. It seems there is a comforting theme going on for you around birds. When you have sat on the patio, you have spoken about various kinds of birds. And then at the lake you described some beautiful ones in great detail. Perhaps birds are one of the comforting signs Bruno is sending to you? Just a thought. (And there is a hummingbird drinking from my window feeder as I write this.)

Looking forward to hearing how things continue to go for you and Larry.

You continue to be in my prayers!

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Like you and Larry, I also find great comfort in Nature's beauty, and totally agree with Kathy's observation when she shares with you: "Perhaps birds are one of the comforting signs Bruno is sending to you".

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey when you share with us: "For some reason, I can't really watch television so much. It seems I can handle documentaries. Watching something about environmental problems, I just felt this huge swell of sorrows in my heart and cried for a while. Bruno's physical absence is still so brutally painful. We used to put doggie steps against the bed so he could get up and down the bed. Now it's not there but on the way back from the bathroom during the night I still walk far around the bed as if those steps were still there." This grief journey is not about "acceptance" or "closure" or "moving forward" - - for all these imply "forgetting" about our beloved companion who is no longer physically with us - - and we know this is totally impossible. Rather this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to their physical absence, and this is a one day at a time process because we are going through the painful task of "re-training" our minds and routines to doing things differently - - and this is one of those constant "first without" reminders that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. And this is yet another reason why this grief adjustment journey is both emotionally and physically painful.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Hi Kathy and Moon-beam, thank you both for your kind words.
When I came home earlier this evening, I went up to the memorial and said "hi little boy!" to our Bruno. We added another photo frame to it. The frame is carved with Bruno's name and the time period he lived here on this earth (4/15/2002-7/25/2015), and "Forever in Our Hearts" is inscribed on it too. The company I purchased this from online was very supportive and gladly accommodated my requests to change the inscription to Our Hearts from their original My Heart. We put the picture of him on those cushions in there. It is very comforting.
Since we came back from the lake yesterday up until early afternoon today, I struggled a lot. I was feeling depressed, not only sad. You're both right. I love birds and in fact we have a cockatiel and two parakeets in the other room which we call bird room. Late afternoon yesterday, feeling so down, I went into that room to put the cocaktiel (Rocky) back in his own cage. He normally flies around the room and sits on my hand but yesterday he just wouldn't. He flew around and sat back on top of the cage of the little birds like five times in a row. I was feeling irritable and I sort of yelled at him. I regretted it immediately, but I just was feeling so down. I felt like there was a well inside my heart that was full up to the top and just a little poking and nudging here and there in any way would just make it leak and spill. I've been crying a lot since yesterday afternoon. Being without Bruno just felt incredibly painful. I had to be in another 2.5 hour meeting this afternoon at work, and on the way home, I read the books that I downloaded on my phone. Somehow, again, it helped a little. A couple of nights ago, I was talking to Larry and said something like -- the love, the blessed relationship we enjoyed with Bruno is something personal, but what happened to Bruno is something universal. Knowing probably hundreds or even thousands of people are going through this grief from the physical loss of their beloved animal companions makes me feel like I'm not alone. Right now, I am feeling better than yesterday and Larry's very relieved. I'm consciously trying to say "Thank you, I love you, Bruno" when I feel overwhelmed with sorrows. As you said, the process of adjusting to the physical absence of Bruno will be long and hard. But, I want to stay hopeful that little by little it will get less painful, knowing that Bruno will stay in the center of my heart forever.
Again thank you so much for offering me much needed support and comfort. I wish both of you good night and I will write more tomorrow.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal for this grief adjustment journey when you share with us: "I was feeling irritable and I sort of yelled at him. I regretted it immediately, but I just was feeling so down. I felt like there was a well inside my heart that was full up to the top and just a little poking and nudging here and there in any way would just make it leak and spill." Particularly during the deep grief we have little control over our emotions - - one moment we may feel perfectly fine yet the next moment we find ourselves irritable at the slightest thing or hyperventilating with tears welling up and the overwhelming need to release the deep sorrow in gut-wrenching sobbing. I promise you, Jae, that one day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will notice that the once constant stabbing pain in your heart has eased and you are finding it easier to think of your beloved Bruno and your treasured memories and smile - - truly smile - - and you will know your beloved Bruno is also smiling with you and telling you, "it's okay, dad - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you." This grief journey is a process of adjusting to a "new normal" that takes time - - however long YOU need - - it is not something you "get over" in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months. It is a one day at a time journey with some days being easier than others. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when you feel like your heart is breaking under the burden of your deepest sorrow. There are no "expiration dates" here to share with us what is in your heart.

The good news is that your precious Rocky understands your sorrow, and I'm sure by now - - or soon - - he will come to you again and your relationship will be strengthened.

I'm so glad the company who provided you the frame for your beloved Bruno was able to comply with your inscription requests - - that helps to soothe the grief filled heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Thank you so much, Moon_beam!
Yesterday was better than the day before. Our friend Peter sent us a poem, which made me cry early in the morning. Had a busy day at work. The digital photo frame I had ordered was delivered and i got myself busy copying all Bruno pictures, either alone or with us, into one folder, and transferring them onto a flash drive. It was 1580 in all. Now all those pictures are rolling around in random order, every 5 seconds, on that little digital photo frame which we set on Bruno's memorial. It's very comforting. All those beautiful, cute, funny, goofy, and heartbreaking photos in a constant slideshow. We're also considering having one of them painted in portrait. These little projects keep us involved and during the process make me less scared of the unexpected wave of sorrow from looking at him in those photos. The most recent ones are still hard to look at because it makes me wonder whether he was already in some sort of pain or discomfort, which just breaks my heart.
Today I threw some pieces of bread for the birds on the street, for the first time since we let Bruno go. I guess I just didn't have the room for that but now I have some of it back? I'm not sure. This morning on my way out I saw a neighbor's shi tzu, named Mozart. Bruno always used to bark at him. Whatever he did, it was so cute and adorable. I'm trying to tell myself again and again that Bruno had a wonderful happy loving life and it was his time to go to heaven, but I miss him terribly anyway...

[Hani&Bruno]

Here's the poem our friend wrote for Bruno.


BRUNO
 
THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM I KNEW HE WAS COOL
A SMALL WHITE BALL OF FUR AND PUPPY ENERGY 
AN EAGER HAPPY FACE WAITING FOR THE NEXT THING TO DO
A TRUE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY ALWAYS BY THEIR SIDES
AND HAPPY IN JAE AND LARRY’S LOVING LAPS AND ARMS
ENJOYING ALL THE MOMENTS OF LIFE’S WILD RIDES 
I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE KNOWN BRUNO
HE WAS A GREAT PAL AND GREAT FUN
THANKS BRUNO FOR YOUR LIFE AND FRIENDSHIP
MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU WHEN MY TRIP IS DONE
 
PETER

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Jae!

I liked Peter's poem a lot. And I want to say that you are so right when you say "Bruno had a wonderful happy loving life and it was his time to go to heaven."

LOVE the digital photo frame slide show.

And glad about the bread you threw to the birds on the street.

Blessings,

Kathy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and the wonderful poem your friend Peter wrote to honor your beloved Bruno. Your beloved Bruno touched many people's lives during his earthly journey - - a reflection of the love bond you and Larry share with him. And although he had good friendships with others, his heart his bound to you and Larry.

Like Kathy, I too am so glad you have the digital frame that provides a slideshow of your treasured memories you, Larry, and your beloved Bruno share. Even as I'm writing to you I know your beloved Bruno is sharing with all the residents of heaven's perfect garden the wonderful earthly journey you and Larry gave to him, and everyone is listening intently to every word he is saying nodding their head in agreement.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Hani&Bruno]

Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you.
Bruno used to get jealous when Larry and I hugged or kissed each other. He would kind of grab Larry's arm or leg, perhaps trying to say "Daddy, you're mine." Then we would kiss him and that was it. He would go back to his usual independent self. While I used to drink a little glass of wine some nights for a few years, Bruno loved to lick a little bit of that sweet wine off my lips. Larry used to call him "Bruno, the Wino." Larry and Bruno used to wait at the door every weekday evening when I was coming home. Usually I would see Larry's head peeking out and then Bruno would walk out to the hallway after being told "Here comes the daddy." It's been almost 2 weeks now, but I still so mysteriously expect to see Bruno's little cheerful body walking out the door to the hallway and his intense eyes looking at me welcomingly.
We picked a few pictures and emailed them to the portrait company for their review and opinion.
We are adjusting to this new reality one day at a time...

[LittleGirl's...]

Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you.
Bruno used to get jealous when Larry and I hugged or kissed each other. He would kind of grab Larry's arm or leg, perhaps trying to say "Daddy, you're mine." Then we would kiss him and that was it. He would go back to his usual independent self. While I used to drink a little glass of wine some nights for a few years, Bruno loved to lick a little bit of that sweet wine off my lips. Larry used to call him "Bruno, the Wino." Larry and Bruno used to wait at the door every weekday evening when I was coming home. Usually I would see Larry's head peeking out and then Bruno would walk out to the hallway after being told "Here comes the daddy." It's been almost 2 weeks now, but I still so mysteriously expect to see Bruno's little cheerful body walking out the door to the hallway and his intense eyes looking at me welcomingly.
We picked a few pictures and emailed them to the portrait company for their review and opinion.
We are adjusting to this new reality one day at a time...

[Hani&Bruno]

I'm just feeling so down... Last night we went to see La Traviata at the Hollywood Bowl, which we'd bought the tickets for months earlier. It was a good performance and although it was so much more cold than we'd expected we felt it was good spending some time out like that. However I just feel so depressed and helpless. Had hours of anxiety-ridden naps over the weekend. Missing our baby Bruno so much. Some other issues are making m anxious as well. I need to somehow get out of this state and be... I don't know... a little more brave? I don't know... It's just very hard...

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Jae, sorry you have been feeling down! Do you have any thoughts on what might help even a little?

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

Kathy

I'm just feeling so down... Last night we went to see La Traviata at the Hollywood Bowl, which we'd bought the tickets for months earlier. It was a good performance and although it was so much more cold than we'd expected we felt it was good spending some time out like that. However I just feel so depressed and helpless. Had hours of anxiety-ridden naps over the weekend. Missing our baby Bruno so much. Some other issues are making m anxious as well. I need to somehow get out of this state and be... I don't know... a little more brave? I don't know... It's just very hard...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief - - the ups and downs, highs and lows including from one moment to the next, from one day to another. During the deep grief we are very vulnerable emotionally with little to no control over how we're feeling and why we're feeling a particular way at any given time. Grieving is not a symptom of a lack of bravery or faith - - losing the physical presence of a beloved companion is a life-altering event which takes time to adjust to which does not happen in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - but rather one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. I promise you, Jae, that one day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself feeling a bit more stronger emotionally, and then another day and other days following. It is important that you do not pressure yourself to be or feel "stronger" through this process - - grieving is something you simply cannot, and should not be expected to, control. You have enough expectations to put on what I call the "public face" while you are at work, social events, etc.. And if there are other factors that are imposing stress on you the additional stress will also intensify the stress you are going through grieving for your beloved Bruno. You NEED to give yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Bruno even if you must find a private place to do so away from others.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam