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Hani&Bruno
The day I've dreaded for so long has come.
Our wonderful baby Bruno passed away today after 13 years and 1 month with us.

It was on June 18, 2002. My partner Larry found him, a 2 month old Maltese, at a local petshop. He was looking for a present for my birthday which was a month away, but when he set sight on this little beuatiful angel he knew he had to bring him home that very day. We named him Bruno, a tough guy name, and since then, Bruno became a constant fixture in our little home and was loved immensely and returned that love to us. If you see one of my previous posts, written in 2007, you'll know I had another Maltese back in Korea, named Hani. Knowing that I was missing her terribly, Larry decided to get me a Maltese. And I just loved him so so very much. Such a beautiful face, mini-tough guy attitude... I just loved everything about him.
Hani passed away in March 2007, just past her 13th birthday. As Bruno aged, I always was aware he was reaching that age 13 fast.

Bruno needed knee surgery on both hind legs when he was 2-3 years old. After that he had no health issues whatsoever until 2010 when he started having trachea problem which was supposed to be very common in small breeds. Trachea problem has been kept under control with continuous medication. Two years ago, while I was out of job for four months, he got diagnosed with the enlarged heart. This has also been more or less kept under control with 3 different kinds of medication.
We've been very grateful. He just seemed to be slowing down in walking, maybe less active in some ways, and started to have hearing problems. But again, overall, we've been grateful.
We've been feeding him home made meals -- sweet potato, zucchini, chicken breast, ground beef, rice, etc., for the last year and a half or so, and he seemed to be thriving.
However, maybe a week and a half ago, it became harder to make him eat, especially his breakfast which is Larry's responsibility because he's retired. Dinner I fixed for him when I came home at night, he still ate well. It was Tuesday when I first got an absolute No from him while I was trying to make him eat his dinner. I cooked a little bowl of ground beef and he managed to eat that only. This, despite our hope, wasn't getting better, and we decided to take him to the vet.

Yesterday, Larry took him to the vet and was told that he had a very aggressive, bleeding painful tumor in his liver and had only days to live. He actually recommended that they put him to sleep right then and there because his breathing became labored as well. Larry couldn't let him do it. He had to bring him back home so we can have each other at least for another night. I would have fought the idea of putting him to sleep, but hearing that he must be in pain I couldn't say no.

Yesterday evening was lovely. Possibly thanks to the little shot or something to temporarily stop the bleeding, Bruno was close to his normal and ate some treats and was playful. However, the night was difficult. He couldn't stay put more than 3 minutes and was breathing very hard. We knew, as the vet said, his conditions were rapidly deteriorating.

Larry called the vet's office at 8:30 this morning and made an appointment for Bruno's passing for 11:40. Bruno was able to nap quite a while, looing very tired all along.

The time came and we took him to the vet. They took him out to the surgery room to put a catheter to his leg. When being taken out of the room, he was looking back at us. I will never forget those eyes. Surprisingly alert still and questioning. They took him back in the room where we were waiting. The vet put the tranquilizer first and let us stay with him for a few minutes. His muscle was relaxing and he laid down on his belly. The vet came back and processed the final shot. We could see Bruno reaching that rainbow bridge. The vet confirmed that Bruno passed away. I cried uncontrollably. Since yesterday evening, I've gone through multiple times of crying bouts. We came out of the vet's office without Bruno in our arms.

Earlier this morning, we managed to clip a little bit of his tail hair. Everywhere I look, everything reminds me of Bruno, and despite knowing for sure that this was the right decision and Bruno had a wonderfull life, I just am not confident how I will be able to get through this grief. I loved him so so much, and although I know we'll be reunited in heaven, I don't know how I will be able to keep him in beautiful memories and accept the fact that he's no longer with us physically. It's just too much and too raw.
I'm not sure if the picture was successfully uploaded. If it was, that was from yesterday evening, when he was being playful to our surprise. Still so incredibly beautiful...

I'm just so scared about this void in our life without Bruno being there as he has been the last 13 years and 1 month.
He was such a special boy and his presence was so ingrained in every facet of our life.
SoSad
My heart goes out to you. I can relate to your pain so much as I had to make the same decision for my little girl, Lilly, last March and my heart is still broken when I think of her last moments. Bruno had a wonderful, wonderful life with amazing parents please try to take comfort from that and how much you loved each other. Bruno is with your beloved Hani now, but still with you in your heart and always will be. Hugs to you and blessings to beautiful Bru
no and Hani.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Dear Hani&Bruno,

I am so very sorry for the physical loss of precious Bruno. The void you and Larry must be experiencing is almost unimaginable. As Sosad has said, Bruno and Hani are together, and I hope that brings you some measure of comfort.

Would it be possible for you to adopt, in Bruno's honor, another little dog who needs a home? I realize that it might be too soon to even think about this. But if / when it is time, some little boy or girl is going to be very lucky to have you and Larry as parents.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Kathy
Hani&Bruno
Thank you SoSad and Kathy for your kind words...
It was the first night without Bruno and I managed to sleep the first 3-4 hours from exhaustion, but when I woke up in the middle of the night, the fact that Bruno was not there in our bed just hit me so hard and I collapsed and cried. I have all my pictures on my laptop screensaver and more than half are of Bruno, and everytime I see his photos of early and recent years, I just can't believe he's not here.
It feels like from the moment that I learned that we'd need to let him go, which was the day before yesterday, up until a little after the moment we actually said goodbye to our beautiful baby Bruno, my feelings were all over the place, from apprehension to shock, exhaustion, etc., but they settled into the genuine sorrow that he actually left us for heaven. I just miss him so so badly and everywhere I turn, I see his places. His little gestures, eye expression, little habits, stubbornness, all his mannerisms... It's just too much. And I just keep crying.
Larry is a different kind of person, and he's experienced many more losses than I have, and his approach is more of "we've got to be strong." I tell myself that too but of course it hasn't even been a full 24 hours, and it's still just so raw.
I try to talk with my family in Korea through texts and they're all very supportive and they know how hard it is. It helps.
What I'm struggling with is whether I will ever get used to him not being here, everywhere...
I just love him and miss him so much!
The picture that I'm uploading now is of Bruno at about 3 months old. So precious...
Hani&Bruno
Every weekend morning, I took him out for a little walk around the neighborhood. As he aged, the walks got shorter because from the knee surgeries when he was a baby, he had a tendency to grow arthritis and we were very cautious about him not getting too much walk. But everytime he was up for it. I put a skyblue, black or red harness on him and we walked out. It is a condo building that we live in, and there are some cats sitting on their window and everytime he saw them, Bruno kind of showed like I can get you kind of attitude.
After the short walk we'd come home, then it would be his breakfast time. I cooked his breakfast with all sorts of veggies and meat, mostly lightly fried with olive oil but some mornings in risotto style porridge. He ate well. After the meal, he always required some little treats from Larry, usually dried salmon or little bit of pupperoni. After that, he'd get some fresh water and then rest, and allowed us to do our stuff, like having coffee or fixing our own meals.
He used to like to hump Larry's leg and deep-kiss my mouth especially right after I brushed my teeth. Even yesterday morning, after the first night of real signs of struggle, he kissed me so much, sometimes pushing his tongue through my front teeth. I still can feel that.
And I still can feel how warm his body and his paws felt yesterday 2-3 minutes after the vet confirmed he'd passed.
It's so hard to accept that he's not here with us. The void is too big. We adjusted everything of our life to make it better for him. Our life revolved around him. It's so hard and I don't know if it'll ever be okay. I even said what's the point this morning to Larry, and he got frustrated. I need to learn to keep going even though this huge part of life, Bruno, left a big void. But I just don't feel motivated. Not now at least.
Hani&Bruno
We trained him when he was a baby to do his potty indoors on the puppy pads and he never made an accident. In our bedroom, there is his last puppy pad and his last pee still there. I'm keeping it.
The brush we used to brush his coat has some of his hair stuck in it. I'm keeping it.
I've ordered an urn which has a threaded lid so that I can open it anytime I want and see what he's left behind in there.
It's scary and I don't know when it'll get better...
moon_beam
Hi, Bruno's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bruno. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Bruno's Mom, as you know so well already this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each grief adjustment journey is uniquely painful because each individual relationship we have with each of our companions is uniquely different. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the journey or make it automatically disappear. Rather it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time allowing yourself to openly grieve all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

It is important that you try to find a way to comfort yourself when the ache of loss in your heart and arms is more than you can bear. Some of us find it helpful to hold something in our arms that belongs only to our beloved companion - - a blanket, collar, toy, - - whatever - - when the pain of not being able to hold their sweet body is overwhelming. No, it's not the same but it might be able to help you bridge both the physical and emotional pain of not being able to hold your beloved Bruno.

Indeed, when our companions come into our hearts and lives they literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels we are faced with the incredibly overwhelming painful task of re-inventing our lives to develop "new normals" that no longer includes their physical needs. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions lick / kiss us, touch / rub us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally go through a chemical withdrawal from this chemical imprint which is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so physically and emotionally painful.

Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member of friend. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make their grief journey less painful. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is harmful and may eventually lead to medical problems that will need to be taken care of. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Bruno as frequently as you need to even if you need to find a private place away from others to do so.

Even though your beloved Bruno is no longer physically with you, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Bruno share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bruno's, and Hani's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Bruno with us, and these adorable pictures of your beloved boy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bruno's and Hani's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Thank you moon_beam for your beautiful words.
I really want to believe that we'll be reunited in heaven, or wherever, some day.
But even that promise just doesn't seem good enough right now to ease the pain of not having him around here.
I guess I should know there's no other way but to accept the fact that he lived a good long happy life and it was his time to move on to the next phase.
Larry says he wants to believe that Bruno has already been reincarnated into another wonderful boy and will be living another wonderful life.
Larry just went in for a shower, and I was scared to be alone out here, exposed to the painful reminders everywhere, and that's why I decided to come back to this site and write more.
When I go back to work, I don't know how I'll be functioning, how I'll be eating lunch, how I'll be productive in meetings...
Huge part of me says it's all meaningless and I just want to give up, but I'll have to be patient and try to make that part smaller each moment, each day.
I love him and miss him so much... Those beautiful little eyes always saying something... Those little paws he reluctantly allowed me to hold and rub, but only the hind ones... And that nose... He had a very tiny bald spots right above his nose which he got when we took him to our little trip to Las Vegas. We went out for about an hour or so and when we came back his nose was a little bloody because he had been rubbing his nose under the door anxiously trying to see when his parents were coming back.
As he was getting older and needing medications, we completely gave up on plane trips and only did road trips and we always took him with us. Even on vacations, we knew we had to be with him so we took him out with us when we went out for lunches and Larry went out to get takeout foods for dinner time. Just a couple of weeks ago, we went to Palm Springs and stayed in a motel room where there was a kitchen. We cooked his meals with the veggies and meat. We knew as he aged he was more and more dependent on us and we were committed to giving him all the comforts and reassurance he deserved.
Apologies to my ramblings, but I might be trying to put these memories into words here. It is comforting.
24 hours ago, Bruno was having some good resting nap. About 30 minutes later we had to carry him out to get him to the vet. It was excruciatingly painful but we knew we had to do it to help him move on to the next phase without pain.
I love him so much... and I want to hold him so much. He was always here with us, everywhere we went. I could always move a bit and reach out my hand and touch him. Now that enormous privilege is gone, and I'll have to get used to it. And it feels like an insurmountable challenge...
This is a picture taken about a month ago...
Hani&Bruno
A second night without Bruno was a little better than the first, I can say, but every time the consciousness came back, it didn't take even a second to realize this new reality that Bruno is no longer here with us physically. It felt like my heart was going to burst out, feeling out of breath. I had to wake up Larry because I was scared. We held each other and he let me cry.
This morning, I sat on our patio for about two hours. It is the space in this place that Bruno spent the least amount of time, and so it was less hard. I sat there, and just let everything be. My mind was too exhausted to be thinking anything intensely. The morning air was nice and cool here in Los Angeles. And it was still quiet from 6ish to 8ish. Lots of hummingbirds came and went, while some brave ones sat on the honey water feeder and sipped. They were adorable. Some people were walking their dogs. I just let those scenes in.
A little while later Larry came out and joined me for about half an hour. We talked a little. I said something like I'll be getting porridges for lunch when I go back to work tomorrow, because eating is still very very difficult. I also said maybe we can start doing meditation together, 15-20 minutes every evening. I also said we can go out today to just sit somewhere quiet. My mind is still very weak and I find it hard to remember what went on and what I said.
Another thing Bruno used to like was rolling around on his back on the floor and sometimes letting me rub his belly and inside his thighs. What a precious little boy.
And, everytime Larry sneezed or he knew Larry was going to sneeze (allergy), he was staring up at Larry as if saying "What was that, dude?" It always made me laugh. He never did that when I sneezed. Oh, I love him and miss him so much...
I'm going back to work tomorrow, and not quite sure how I'll manage. If anyone can provide some advice, I'll be very grateful.
moon_beam
Hi, Bruno's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these adorable pictures of your beloved baby boy. He truly is "Mr. Personality" - - and it seems he liked having his picture taken as there doesn't appear to be any bashfulness in his poses.

I can so relate to your dreading going back to work. I remember being ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain some level of composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work. During the deep grief we are so vulnerable with little control over our emotions. My work environment was not a positive one, so if someone at work asked me if I was "okay" I simply told them that eventually I would be - - I didn't go into any extra explanations. After suppressing the sorrow while in the office, I remember all so well the floodgates of tears bursting when I got into my car to make the drive home - - gut wrenching sobbing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you will find stength and comfort to endure while you are at work.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: ". . . every time the consciousness came back, it didn't take even a second to realize this new reality that Bruno is no longer here with us physically. It felt like my heart was going to burst out, feeling out of breath. . . . I said something like I'll be getting porridges for lunch when I go back to work tomorrow, because eating is still very very difficult." Grieving is very stressful both physically and emotionally, so the symptoms of feeling out of breath, not having an appetite, no desire or interest in things that once brought enjoyment, etc., are very normal. Other symptoms may be having an inability to concentrate, insomnia, feelings of depression, etc.. As your deep grief eases you will also find the symptoms of stress easing. This just takes time, Bruno's Mom, which is why it is important that you try to keep the stress levels as low as possible until you are feeling stronger again.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bruno's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Moon_beam, thank you so much for your reply. I just know that I would need a lot of mini breaks at work tomorrow and the next several days. I use public transportation to commute. I usually like it but now it means I will have to suppress these sorrows longer than otherwise.
I've spent most of the afternoon on the patio with Larry, looking at the hummingbirds and mostly quiet street. That's where I feel most safe right now. We talked, checked consoling messages from friends, sobbed together.
How long will this gut wrenching sorrows last? Can you cry yourself out? I've been crying multiple times a day and it is draining, but in some ways, I feel like this is the least I can do for my beautiful Bruno in heaven. I'm not a religious person but it is so comforting to think there is this place called heaven and my Bruno is there waiting for me.
I talked about this with Larry but I feel like this huge sense of loss is partly coming from the fact that Bruno was the first little baby that I literally viewed as my child. We got Bruno when I was 34 and now I'm 48. Before that, I had other dogs when I was living with my mom and my siblings in Korea and I loved them including Hani, but there were other family members there and I didn't necessarily function as Hani's parent. But for Bruno, Larry and I were/are definitely his parents. We did everything, taking Bruno into consideration. He was/is the center of our life. That's what makes it so much harder for me. I let my child go before me. And also, I feel like this is an end of an era. I'm in the ripe middle age now compared to still young to beginning middle age with Bruno. How we will realign our life will be a big task for Larry and me. In Korea there's a saying that goes you bury your parents in the mountain but you bury your child in your heart. That's how I feel. When I cry, I keep saying my baby, my baby, oh my god... Bruno is my baby, and everywhere I look, I see his empty spots and it makes me just panic. I don't know how long this intense sorrow will last, when this stabbing pain will be a little less sharp...
Thank you again Moon_beam and everyone! I get comforts writing on this forum and hearing kind words from you...
moon_beam
Hi, Bruno's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a universal question: when will the piercing pain of deep sorrow ease? Clinical professionals recognize that basically the first year of grieving is the hardest because it is filled with all the first withouts to endure: the first every moment of every hour of every day that holds a special reminder that you are now adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Bruno. During the very deep grief it can feel like the tears will never stop and the searing pain in your heart will never ease. But I assure you, Bruno's Mom, that eventually as the hours, days, weeks, months progress you will find yourself being able to get through a day without tears, and then another day and another day after that, and you will notice that the stabbing searing pain in your heart is not quite so intense - - you will find yourself literally being able to breathe again. Does this mean you are "home free" from the sorrow? Not quite - - for one day you may find yourself thinking of your beloved Bruno, or you'll hear a certain song playing somewhere, or you'll be watching a program on the TV, or you'll come across one of your beloved Bruno's toys and you may feel the deep sorrow well up in you as though it were the first moment you felt your beloved Bruno take his last breath.

The good news is that eventually during the first year of your grief adjustment journey the moments of sorrow are not as intense nor lingering for hours / days. Eventually the memories you and your beloved Bruno share will bring a smile to your heart, and you will know he is sharing that same memory with you. You may even hear his sweet voice saying, "yeah, mom, I remember when we did this / that. I am so very glad you are my Forever Mom." This is what love is - - it is eternal and no amount of time as we continue our earthly journey diminishes it. Rather - - love in its truest, purest form continues to grow even when we are physically separated. You and your husband are blessed to be your beloved Bruno's sole, and soul, heirs to his eternal love. And with your beloved Bruno's love, you and your husband will find the strength to establish a "new normal" comforted by your beloved Bruno's sweet Living Spirit who always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

When I was much younger growing up I had to take public transportation just about everywhere I went. When I was upset about something I usually sat in the back of the bus, or a seat next to the window so that I could turn away from the other passengers to hide my tears. There have been times when I have been in public places when I have had no control over crying. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that anyone who makes a comment about you crying in public is to be ignored. Anyone who cannot extend compassion to someone who is upset needs to be avoided.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bruno's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hello, Bruno's Mom,

Eager to hear how you managed at work. Moon_beam offers such wisdom that on several occasions I have "copied and pasted" her posts to a folder on my computer that I can refer to when ......... a future dreaded day arrives........ I love how she explained the first-year (and beyond) grief adjustment, etc., etc.

Please continue to share anything and everything with us here. I love seeing the pictures of that most amazingly handsome and lovable boy of yours. wub.gif And reading the stories about him--the special things he'd do. And how you and Larry are doing now. Sitting on the patio watching the hummingbirds and people is a WONDERFUL thing to be doing! A perfect activity.

I'm remembering back to when I have been in the throes of excruciating grief, and what helped or didn't help. Being around other people (i.e., work) was very difficult. I learned that what was best for me was to say very little about my grief because people's replies were stunning (even if they thought they were helping, what they said felt like minimizing the excruciating pain I was experiencing). If this happens to you, remember that you have Larry, other family, and us here---who really do understand what you are enduring.

Getting lost in a movie helped. Or playing a game. And ....eventually, stuff like making a collage of cherished pictures, writing a letter "to" the sweet pet I had lost, to pour out my love, any regrets I felt, etc. etc. And rescuing, in that pet's honor, another needy animal. That's just what I found helpful. Others here may have lots of other ideas, and you will find what works best for you.

Blessings to you. Looking forward to your next note!

Kathy
Hani&Bruno
Thank you Moon_beam and Kathy for your kind words.
This is the lunch break. Had a little pumpkin porridge.
People at work sort of acknowledged/mentioned something and one of them asked about funeral and that made me choke up.
I'm experiencing numbness with some anxious feeling underneath.
I'd rather be crying.
Oh I miss our baby Bruno so so much...
I will write more this evening.
Hani&Bruno
I got through the day, 9-6. Larry thought he wouldn't be surprised if I'd come back home by 10. He says he's proud. Being out there, with people that probably do not understand the extent of my grief, was tough. Having to talk with them was difficult, and I couldn't completely concentrate and was being forgetful. But I do feel like it helped in some way.
Right after I got out of the subway train this morning I called Larry like I do everyday. We cried together. I also called him during the lunch break and a few little breaks. I'm sure he was having a hard time, alone at home. I asked his good friend to call him because he's a kind of person that holds his emotions in as much as possible.
Walking on the street today, I felt like I was not the full person I used to. It was natural because without our baby I am not whole. A chunk of me was ripped out of me. Right now the hardest thing is that I miss him, I want to touch him and hold him like I used to many times a day, and there's nothing that can be done, and it hurts so much. Still just can't believe our baby so suddenly left us.
I've been reading a book called The Pet Loss Companion by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and I feel like it's very helpful. In the book, it say that you have to be good to yourself during the grieving process. It may be from my cultural heritage, but I have this belief that you don't deserve to be good to yourself when you're grieving. I discussed that with Larry and he says he doesn't get that. I'm not saying I'm trying to not eat well or not sleep well. I just can't eat anything solid now. But even if I could, I feel like I'd be disgusted at myself. I know it doesn't make sense...
This was the third day since I held my baby Bruno last... and I miss him so much!
This picture was taken in March 2013. So beautiful...
Hani&Bruno
Fourth night without Bruno has passed. I was in a calmer state before going to bed. Larry and I got a big zipper bag and put the puppypads with our Bruno's last pee on them in there. It was sad but also gave me some relief. I believe having his ashes will be another such, but even more meaningful and heartbreaking moment. Early morning around 3-4 is very tough. I woke Larry up twice and sobbed. It is 5:30 now and I'm sitting on the patio. A little chilly but refreshing. Still a bit dark.
Every weekday morning, Larry got up around 5:15 and went out to the living room to read and have coffee. Then it was Bruno and me left in the bed. Bruno used to follow Larry out sometimes but not so much in his later years. I usually slept until 6 and came out for my morning drinks for reflux symptoms and went back in the bed and snoozed with Bruno. I rubbed his back and belly, gave him a kiss. Bruno loved to lick his paws and make wet spots in the sheets and he loved to knock the pillows over in the bed. He also used to sort of roll on the pillows we'd just slept on, to either enjoy or neutralize our scents I guess. At 6:30, I got up and made the bed with Larry and showered. When we made the bed he always stayed on the bed like he's helping or he doesn't care, not sure which. After my shower, I came out to living room and gave our daily grooming to Bruno. He never really had those tear stains that lots of white dogs have. As soon as we put him on the floor, he turned around fast and demanded treats like one more second of delay would be unacceptable. We gave him dried salmon and Pupperoni. Salmon was pretty much the only food he actually chewed and the way he chewed was so so cute. Then we had breakfast and I headed out to work. While Larry and I stood at the door saying have a good day to each other and kissed, Bruno got jealous and sometimes tried to hump Larry's leg. Some of this routine changed here and there as he reached his last year or months or weeks or days. Regardless, all sweet and sad memories.
It might not matter but I might have given you the impression that I'm a woman by not giving you my name. It didn't bother me at all but I thought it would be better to tell you that I'm actually male and Larry and I are both Bruno's daddy. And we both miss our baby Bruno terribly and find comfort writing and hearing from beautiful people here. I will write more later.
-Jae
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Bruno's Daddy,

You did great, getting through work! I can understand why Larry is proud of you. And I'm glad that book is helping. Really glad that you are re-examining the idea that one shouldn't be good to oneself while grieving. You deserve as much compassion as possible! I'm so very glad that you found this site.

This truly is a one-day- (one-hour, sometimes one-minute) at-a-time journey.

Sorry about referring to you as Bruno's Mommy. smile.gif

Please continue to keep us posted on things.

Blessings,

Kathy
P.S. Another gorgeous picture of Bruno! wub.gif
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. I sincerely apologize for referring to you as Bruno's "Mom." Thank you for letting us know.

Like our forum friend Kathy, I'm glad you have found reading the book on grieving helpful, and totally agree that you do need to treat yourself kindly. It is perfectly normal that regular meals are not appetizing to you right now, as this is a normal physical reaction to stress. Still it is important that you provide nourishment to your body because stress takes a toll on your immune system and your body needs nourishment in some form to help keep your immune system functioning and to prevent it from becoming dehydrated. As soon as the high stress of grieving eases you will feel your appetite resume normally.

Indeed, getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin: on the one side it can be a relief to have them back home where they belong, yet the other side is yet another blatant reminder they are no longer with us in the physical form our hearts and arms long for. It's another one of those "first withouts" that are a part of this painful grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and the adorable picture of your beloved Bruno. I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you for your comforting words. And no apology is necessary. I wasn't a bit offended.
2nd day at work was uneventful except I was feeling very tired. Not as busy as yesterday.
I was thinking maybe we could create a little space, like a little altar, for our Bruno. Not right now, and not at one time. Just a few little things such as several more photo frames, candles, little nice box for his hair, and of course the urn. We already have the urn. But Larry says he wouldn't want to be constantly reminded of this sorrow every time he passes that area. I'm wondering what your opinions are on that.
I'm going to bed now. I hope I can sleep better tonight. Will write more tomorrow, with more pictures of Bruno.
Again, thank you for reading my posts and offering those kind words. I'm really grateful.
Hani&Bruno
It's 5am. Again I'm on our patio. There was a long text message from one of my sisters. My mom and my sisters have been very supportive since I let them know of Bruno's passing. Two of them have met him once each. They all knew how much I loved him. He was my pride, my baby. As she said, I draw comfort from the fact that Bruno had a full happy life and he moved on to heaven before he had to suffer too much from all sorts of sad reality of old age. The truth of impermanence... The inevitability of death... But we also have the faith that we'll all be reunited in heaven. This was the 5th night since Bruno passed away and the first I didn't wake Larry up during the night...
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Clinical professionals recognize that individual people grieve differently, and this is observed more when there are two or more people in the same household. It is important that you find a way to honor your beloved Bruno in the way that is helpful for you while taking into consideration Larry's feelings. This is part of the grief adjustment journey. If Larry is not able to handle a prominent memorial for Bruno - - for whatever reason - - at least not yet - - is there a more private area in your home that you could do this? Many people find it comforting to have a memorial place for their beloved companion with pictures, candles, etc., so what you are thinking about doing for your beloved Bruno is perfectly healthy and natural.

This grief adjustment journey is not a straight line from A to Z but rather is one of many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds. And when there are two or more people in the same household the journey can become more complicated because no two people grieve at the same pace nor always find comfort in the same thing. And if this is the first time you and Larry are experiencing a loss together, this is also "new terrirtory" you and Larry are exploring in your relationship.

Although I am the only human in my household I occasionally do have visitors. I have set aside a place in one of my storage rooms for a memorial area for my beloved companions. It is a private place that is not open to the view of others. And when I go into the storage room to put something away - - which is frequently - - I always take time to look at the memorials of my beloved companions. Perhaps in time you and Larry can find a way to openly honor your beloved Bruno together.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Thank you so much, Moon_beam!
You're right. Larry and I are grieving differently. He says he does have a tendency to keep the emotions in but it's also that he's tougher because of his life experience. He's okay now with setting a little memorial area for our baby Bruno. I ordered a few items already. I promised Larry that it's not going to be a sad depressing memorial. It's going to be a peaceful happy place to celebrate and appreciate Bruno's life.
And today, we got Bruno's ashes. Larry texted me about that around lunch. Since then, I had an even tougher time at work. There was a 2-hour long meeting and I just wanted to get out of there and cry. When I got home, Larry and I hugged each other, and I saw the beautiful cedar chest with a little lock, I just bawled. However, after some time, I really felt relieved. Our baby is back home. At least the essence of his body is back home. Larry and I talked quite a bit about how lucky we were to have such a wonderful boy for 13 years, and about how sweet and silly at times he was. Our eyes were teary but we genuinely felt gratitude. We truly muss him......
Thank you again moon_beam and everyone for reading my post. I will write more tomorrow.
Hani&Bruno
I'm sitting out here on the patio. It's quite chilly and I brought a little jacket that I kept on a chair of the dining table. Bruno for some reason used to like sitting on the floor licking the tip of the zipper. That sweet memory brings tears to my eyes.
Waking up moment is so painful. I thought I felt a little weight around my foot for a moment. Lots of things made me sob again.
We haven't opened the wooden box yet. Now that we have his ashes and some of the items will be delivered today, I'm planning to set a little time to memorialize the one week anniversary at noon on Saturday. Just a little moment of silence and whispers to our Bruno. I'm wondering whether those of you who decided to keep the ashes of your beloved opened the box and looked. Last night I just didn't feel I was ready to do that.
Everything happened so fast... I still sometimes can't quite believe this happened...
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. I'm so glad Larry is now okay with doing a memorial space for your beloved Bruno. It's okay to take your time about looking into the urn to see your beloved Bruno's ashes. They represent his sweet precious physical body which allowed you to embrace his sweet Living Spirit - - his precious soul who is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

It is quite normal for our beloved companions to find a way to let us know they are still with us - - such as you sharing with us: "I thought I felt a little weight around my foot for a moment." There are times when I hear a collar jingle or feel a thump on the bed and even hear a soft "meow" - - and I know it isn't my precious feline companion Noah. Rather, I KNOW these are visits from my beloved feline companions who are now with the angels letting me know they are still close by keeping me faithful company as they did during their earthly journey. I treasure these visits, as I know you do as well.

I hope your memorial observance of your beloved Bruno's one week angel-versary tomorrow will bring comfort to both you and Larry. I am so smiling at the picture of your beloved Bruno stretched out on the cushions. There is NO doubt at all from the expression on his face that he KNOWS he is loved and is very definitely the center of your lives.

The "good news" is that today is Friday and I hope today is treating you kindly at work, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Hi Moon_beam, again, thank you so much for your comforting words. I did find yesterday a bit easier compared to the day before. And you're so right, Bruno knows that he's immensely loved and the center of our lives. Everyone who knew us knew Bruno.
Last night, I recalled how absolutely horrifyingly difficult and heartbreaking the night a week earlier was. We had to make a heart-rending decision to let our baby go and on top of that our baby had a very tough night with a sudden breathing problem. Fortunately the next morning he was able to rest a bit.
This morning, from 11:30 till 12:10, which was exactly the time frame from when we took Bruno to the vet's office till we came out without him a week ago, Larry and I sat in front of Bruno and talked to him (we loved you the best we could, you were the best baby ever, we thank you for your unconditional love, you will live in our hearts forever, we'll reunite in heaven) and to each other, reliving some of the sweet memories with him, and cried, sobbed, smiled.
I know the sadness will never go away. Even when I recall the dogs I had 25, 30, 35 years ago, I still feel some dull pain in my heart. So the pain and sorrow of losing Bruno physically will never disappear. But if healing means making one or two or several steps out of being completely consumed by overwhelimg grief and despair, this one week anniversary and our little ceremony and this little place we set up will serve as one of the meaningful first steps. I'm still in the process of getting some more items but at this point our little memorial place for Bruno is looking like this.
Again I thank you Moon_beam and Kathy and all thoughtful people on this forum for offering me comfort. I will write more later.
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and these wonderful pictures of your lovely memorial to your beloved Bruno. You are so right in what you share with us: "I know the sadness will never go away. Even when I recall the dogs I had 25, 30, 35 years ago, I still feel some dull pain in my heart. So the pain and sorrow of losing Bruno physically will never disappear. But if healing means making one or two or several steps out of being completely consumed by overwhelimg grief and despair, this one week anniversary and our little ceremony and this little place we set up will serve as one of the meaningful first steps." It doesn't matter how much time passes as we continue with our earthly journey when it comes to missing the physical presence of our beloved companions who have transitioned home to the angels. When our beloved companions transition from their earthly journey they take a part of our hearts with them - - a part that belongs only to them - - so that they will have a part of us with them while they patiently wait for our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. This is one of the many reasons why we feel like a part of us is missing. I often refer to this as being similar to the broken heart pendant - - when the two pieces are placed together the heart pendant is whole. When we join our beloved companions in eternal joy, our hearts will once again be totally reunited - - we will be whole with them never to be separated again. Until then, we continue with our earthly journey honoring the eternal love we share with them that neither time nor physical separation can diminish.

Thank you again for sharing with us your and Larry's memorial to your beloved Bruno. I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Thank you Moon_beam, yes, the memorial for Bruno is still a work in progress but it surely is giving me some comfort.
As I feel so much better here on the patio than inside when I'm home and also because I read that nature is a place to go when your heart is heavy with grief, I suggested to Larry that we go to some quiet park. We went to a local lake. We ate sandwich which was for me the first real solid food since last Saturday and watched a lot of birds in and out of the lake. Geese, seagulls, swans and some little black birds with bright orange markings on the cheek... Sparrows and pigeons too of course. It was nice. Saw quite a few people walking their dogs.
We stopped at a silk flowers store to see if we could find something suitable to put on Bruno's memorial. We couldn't find any really so we came home.
For some reason, I can't really watch television so much. It seems I can handle documentaries. Watching something about environmental problems, I just felt this huge swell of sorrows in my heart and cried for a while. Bruno's physical absence is still so brutally painful. We used to put doggie steps against the bed so he could get up and down the bed. Now it's not there but on the way back from the bathroom during the night I still walk far around the bed as if those steps were still there. It may be true that I'm slowly accepting the fact that he's no longer here physically, it still hurts so much. Seems like it is really one moment at a time... But I welcome a new day believing the accumulation of time will eventually make this journey a bit more manageable.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Jae!

I just caught up on the last few days' notes from you and moon_beam. And wow, what a picture of your sweet boy!! Moon_beam is so right about the expression on his face and that he completely knows how loved he is !! wub.gif You and Larry are the most wonderful Dads!

I am very glad that you ate a sandwich at the lake. I know Bruno is glad too. I am really touched by how you and Larry are handling this very difficult grief journey--you are experimenting with and finding the things / routines that work for you--everything from sitting on the patio, putting together a very special memorial, etc. etc. There is such wisdom and heart in everything you are doing.

The memorial is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I noticed the card with the birds on it. It seems there is a comforting theme going on for you around birds. When you have sat on the patio, you have spoken about various kinds of birds. And then at the lake you described some beautiful ones in great detail. Perhaps birds are one of the comforting signs Bruno is sending to you? Just a thought. smile.gif (And there is a hummingbird drinking from my window feeder as I write this.)

Looking forward to hearing how things continue to go for you and Larry.

You continue to be in my prayers!

Kathy
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Like you and Larry, I also find great comfort in Nature's beauty, and totally agree with Kathy's observation when she shares with you: "Perhaps birds are one of the comforting signs Bruno is sending to you".

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey when you share with us: "For some reason, I can't really watch television so much. It seems I can handle documentaries. Watching something about environmental problems, I just felt this huge swell of sorrows in my heart and cried for a while. Bruno's physical absence is still so brutally painful. We used to put doggie steps against the bed so he could get up and down the bed. Now it's not there but on the way back from the bathroom during the night I still walk far around the bed as if those steps were still there." This grief journey is not about "acceptance" or "closure" or "moving forward" - - for all these imply "forgetting" about our beloved companion who is no longer physically with us - - and we know this is totally impossible. Rather this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to their physical absence, and this is a one day at a time process because we are going through the painful task of "re-training" our minds and routines to doing things differently - - and this is one of those constant "first without" reminders that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. And this is yet another reason why this grief adjustment journey is both emotionally and physically painful.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Hi Kathy and Moon-beam, thank you both for your kind words.
When I came home earlier this evening, I went up to the memorial and said "hi little boy!" to our Bruno. We added another photo frame to it. The frame is carved with Bruno's name and the time period he lived here on this earth (4/15/2002-7/25/2015), and "Forever in Our Hearts" is inscribed on it too. The company I purchased this from online was very supportive and gladly accommodated my requests to change the inscription to Our Hearts from their original My Heart. We put the picture of him on those cushions in there. It is very comforting.
Since we came back from the lake yesterday up until early afternoon today, I struggled a lot. I was feeling depressed, not only sad. You're both right. I love birds and in fact we have a cockatiel and two parakeets in the other room which we call bird room. Late afternoon yesterday, feeling so down, I went into that room to put the cocaktiel (Rocky) back in his own cage. He normally flies around the room and sits on my hand but yesterday he just wouldn't. He flew around and sat back on top of the cage of the little birds like five times in a row. I was feeling irritable and I sort of yelled at him. I regretted it immediately, but I just was feeling so down. I felt like there was a well inside my heart that was full up to the top and just a little poking and nudging here and there in any way would just make it leak and spill. I've been crying a lot since yesterday afternoon. Being without Bruno just felt incredibly painful. I had to be in another 2.5 hour meeting this afternoon at work, and on the way home, I read the books that I downloaded on my phone. Somehow, again, it helped a little. A couple of nights ago, I was talking to Larry and said something like -- the love, the blessed relationship we enjoyed with Bruno is something personal, but what happened to Bruno is something universal. Knowing probably hundreds or even thousands of people are going through this grief from the physical loss of their beloved animal companions makes me feel like I'm not alone. Right now, I am feeling better than yesterday and Larry's very relieved. I'm consciously trying to say "Thank you, I love you, Bruno" when I feel overwhelmed with sorrows. As you said, the process of adjusting to the physical absence of Bruno will be long and hard. But, I want to stay hopeful that little by little it will get less painful, knowing that Bruno will stay in the center of my heart forever.
Again thank you so much for offering me much needed support and comfort. I wish both of you good night and I will write more tomorrow.
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal for this grief adjustment journey when you share with us: "I was feeling irritable and I sort of yelled at him. I regretted it immediately, but I just was feeling so down. I felt like there was a well inside my heart that was full up to the top and just a little poking and nudging here and there in any way would just make it leak and spill." Particularly during the deep grief we have little control over our emotions - - one moment we may feel perfectly fine yet the next moment we find ourselves irritable at the slightest thing or hyperventilating with tears welling up and the overwhelming need to release the deep sorrow in gut-wrenching sobbing. I promise you, Jae, that one day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will notice that the once constant stabbing pain in your heart has eased and you are finding it easier to think of your beloved Bruno and your treasured memories and smile - - truly smile - - and you will know your beloved Bruno is also smiling with you and telling you, "it's okay, dad - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you." This grief journey is a process of adjusting to a "new normal" that takes time - - however long YOU need - - it is not something you "get over" in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months. It is a one day at a time journey with some days being easier than others. Please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when you feel like your heart is breaking under the burden of your deepest sorrow. There are no "expiration dates" here to share with us what is in your heart.

The good news is that your precious Rocky understands your sorrow, and I'm sure by now - - or soon - - he will come to you again and your relationship will be strengthened.

I'm so glad the company who provided you the frame for your beloved Bruno was able to comply with your inscription requests - - that helps to soothe the grief filled heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Thank you so much, Moon_beam!
Yesterday was better than the day before. Our friend Peter sent us a poem, which made me cry early in the morning. Had a busy day at work. The digital photo frame I had ordered was delivered and i got myself busy copying all Bruno pictures, either alone or with us, into one folder, and transferring them onto a flash drive. It was 1580 in all. Now all those pictures are rolling around in random order, every 5 seconds, on that little digital photo frame which we set on Bruno's memorial. It's very comforting. All those beautiful, cute, funny, goofy, and heartbreaking photos in a constant slideshow. We're also considering having one of them painted in portrait. These little projects keep us involved and during the process make me less scared of the unexpected wave of sorrow from looking at him in those photos. The most recent ones are still hard to look at because it makes me wonder whether he was already in some sort of pain or discomfort, which just breaks my heart.
Today I threw some pieces of bread for the birds on the street, for the first time since we let Bruno go. I guess I just didn't have the room for that but now I have some of it back? I'm not sure. This morning on my way out I saw a neighbor's shi tzu, named Mozart. Bruno always used to bark at him. Whatever he did, it was so cute and adorable. I'm trying to tell myself again and again that Bruno had a wonderful happy loving life and it was his time to go to heaven, but I miss him terribly anyway...
Hani&Bruno
Here's the poem our friend wrote for Bruno.


BRUNO
 
THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM I KNEW HE WAS COOL
A SMALL WHITE BALL OF FUR AND PUPPY ENERGY 
AN EAGER HAPPY FACE WAITING FOR THE NEXT THING TO DO
A TRUE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY ALWAYS BY THEIR SIDES
AND HAPPY IN JAE AND LARRY’S LOVING LAPS AND ARMS
ENJOYING ALL THE MOMENTS OF LIFE’S WILD RIDES 
I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE KNOWN BRUNO
HE WAS A GREAT PAL AND GREAT FUN
THANKS BRUNO FOR YOUR LIFE AND FRIENDSHIP
MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU WHEN MY TRIP IS DONE
 
PETER
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Jae!

I liked Peter's poem a lot. And I want to say that you are so right when you say "Bruno had a wonderful happy loving life and it was his time to go to heaven." wub.gif

LOVE the digital photo frame slide show.

And glad about the bread you threw to the birds on the street.

Blessings,

Kathy
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing, and the wonderful poem your friend Peter wrote to honor your beloved Bruno. Your beloved Bruno touched many people's lives during his earthly journey - - a reflection of the love bond you and Larry share with him. And although he had good friendships with others, his heart his bound to you and Larry.

Like Kathy, I too am so glad you have the digital frame that provides a slideshow of your treasured memories you, Larry, and your beloved Bruno share. Even as I'm writing to you I know your beloved Bruno is sharing with all the residents of heaven's perfect garden the wonderful earthly journey you and Larry gave to him, and everyone is listening intently to every word he is saying nodding their head in agreement.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you.
Bruno used to get jealous when Larry and I hugged or kissed each other. He would kind of grab Larry's arm or leg, perhaps trying to say "Daddy, you're mine." Then we would kiss him and that was it. He would go back to his usual independent self. While I used to drink a little glass of wine some nights for a few years, Bruno loved to lick a little bit of that sweet wine off my lips. Larry used to call him "Bruno, the Wino." Larry and Bruno used to wait at the door every weekday evening when I was coming home. Usually I would see Larry's head peeking out and then Bruno would walk out to the hallway after being told "Here comes the daddy." It's been almost 2 weeks now, but I still so mysteriously expect to see Bruno's little cheerful body walking out the door to the hallway and his intense eyes looking at me welcomingly.
We picked a few pictures and emailed them to the portrait company for their review and opinion.
We are adjusting to this new reality one day at a time...
LittleGirl'sMommy
wub.gif wub.gif wub.gif


QUOTE (Hani&Bruno @ Aug 7 2015, 09:20 AM) *
Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you.
Bruno used to get jealous when Larry and I hugged or kissed each other. He would kind of grab Larry's arm or leg, perhaps trying to say "Daddy, you're mine." Then we would kiss him and that was it. He would go back to his usual independent self. While I used to drink a little glass of wine some nights for a few years, Bruno loved to lick a little bit of that sweet wine off my lips. Larry used to call him "Bruno, the Wino." Larry and Bruno used to wait at the door every weekday evening when I was coming home. Usually I would see Larry's head peeking out and then Bruno would walk out to the hallway after being told "Here comes the daddy." It's been almost 2 weeks now, but I still so mysteriously expect to see Bruno's little cheerful body walking out the door to the hallway and his intense eyes looking at me welcomingly.
We picked a few pictures and emailed them to the portrait company for their review and opinion.
We are adjusting to this new reality one day at a time...

Hani&Bruno
I'm just feeling so down... Last night we went to see La Traviata at the Hollywood Bowl, which we'd bought the tickets for months earlier. It was a good performance and although it was so much more cold than we'd expected we felt it was good spending some time out like that. However I just feel so depressed and helpless. Had hours of anxiety-ridden naps over the weekend. Missing our baby Bruno so much. Some other issues are making m anxious as well. I need to somehow get out of this state and be... I don't know... a little more brave? I don't know... It's just very hard...
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Jae, sorry you have been feeling down! Do you have any thoughts on what might help even a little?

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

Kathy


QUOTE (Hani&Bruno @ Aug 10 2015, 10:58 AM) *
I'm just feeling so down... Last night we went to see La Traviata at the Hollywood Bowl, which we'd bought the tickets for months earlier. It was a good performance and although it was so much more cold than we'd expected we felt it was good spending some time out like that. However I just feel so depressed and helpless. Had hours of anxiety-ridden naps over the weekend. Missing our baby Bruno so much. Some other issues are making m anxious as well. I need to somehow get out of this state and be... I don't know... a little more brave? I don't know... It's just very hard...

moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and Larry are doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief - - the ups and downs, highs and lows including from one moment to the next, from one day to another. During the deep grief we are very vulnerable emotionally with little to no control over how we're feeling and why we're feeling a particular way at any given time. Grieving is not a symptom of a lack of bravery or faith - - losing the physical presence of a beloved companion is a life-altering event which takes time to adjust to which does not happen in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - but rather one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. I promise you, Jae, that one day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself feeling a bit more stronger emotionally, and then another day and other days following. It is important that you do not pressure yourself to be or feel "stronger" through this process - - grieving is something you simply cannot, and should not be expected to, control. You have enough expectations to put on what I call the "public face" while you are at work, social events, etc.. And if there are other factors that are imposing stress on you the additional stress will also intensify the stress you are going through grieving for your beloved Bruno. You NEED to give yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Bruno even if you must find a private place to do so away from others.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
Kathy and Moon_beam, thank you.
The word I was looking for was lethargy. That's what I was feeling the last few days. I felt it was worse. Last night I asked Larry if he finds it likely that he will get used to Bruno not being here, and we both cried. Crying feels better.
I was sitting here around the subway station and a kid, 20ish, with a skateboard kind of talked to me saying something like it's all right. I wondered he saw I was hurting. That helped.
Now I gotta go to work. One moment at a time...
Hani&Bruno
The plant grows in the mist and under clouds as truly as under sunshine. —WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING

After a traumatic event such as the loss of a loved one, we may feel as though our life has stopped. Nothing can go forward after this. What sense can we make of the rest of our life? Fortunately, life will pull us along, whether or not we give it our blessing. And one day, like a storm that passes, we will see light again, and realize that during all the time we felt lost in darkness and confusion, processes of healing and growth were doing their slow and often silent work. We have not lost time at all, but like the seed that has lain apparently inert in the ground all winter and now is ready to begin its springtime dance, we have been moved along in steady and unseen ways into new life. Like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon after a long darkness, we will shake caterpillar dust from our wings and realize we can fly.
-- <Healing after Loss> by Martha W. Hickman
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing the wonderful quotations with us. What a wonderful imagery of the grief process and emerging from it. It is so true and beautifully written.

It never ceases to amaze me how the world continues to go on when our life has stopped due to the loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Jobs get done, errands are run, meals prepared, bills get paid, etc., but not with the energy or interest they had before for when we are grieving we feel separated from the rest of the world and disengaged from the activities that used to bring us comfort and happiness. Our lives have lost the "life beat" that made our world purposeful and enjoyable. We are faced with the incredibly painful task of re-inventing our lives and finding a "new normal" in a world that doesn't make sense during our deep grief.

The good news is that eventually the deep grief eases, and we find ourselves seeing new sunrises and finding hope again that we can find a new strength and a new path in our continued earthly journey. Some people fear that when this happens they will forget their loved one who is no longer physically with them - - that they are dishonoring their beloved one. Because love is eternal there is no way in heaven or on earth that we can ever forget our beloved companions. Nor is it a betrayal of our love bond with them to find happiness anew - - for it was their one joy during their earthly journey to bring happiness into our lives and it is their one legacy that we continue to have joy in our lives even though they are no longer physically with us.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief. One of the physical symptoms of grief is feeling lethargic - - like the energy has literally been drained from your body - - to feel as though every movement of your body is an effort as though you are carrying a heavy weight. And indeed you are carrying a heavy weight - - the bondage of deepest sorrow of loss, and only time - - one day at a time one moment at a time - - can help relieve the weight of this burden.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
"The good news is that eventually the deep grief eases, and we find ourselves seeing new sunrises and finding hope again that we can find a new strength and a new path in our continued earthly journey. Some people fear that when this happens they will forget their loved one who is no longer physically with them - - that they are dishonoring their beloved one. Because love is eternal there is no way in heaven or on earth that we can ever forget our beloved companions. Nor is it a betrayal of our love bond with them to find happiness anew - - for it was their one joy during their earthly journey to bring happiness into our lives and it is their one legacy that we continue to have joy in our lives even though they are no longer physically with us."

Thank you Moon_beam for these beautiful and comforting words. I read this paragraph again and again. Thank you!
Hani&Bruno
"If our dogs could leave us with final thoughts, here’s what I imagine their parting words might be:

Dear Friend, It is my time to say goodbye. My legs are weakening, my sight failing, smells are faint. I am wearying. My spirit is fading, and I have been called home and away from you. I wish to be strong again, to roll in gross stuff, to snatch greasy bones, to eat all of the things you hated me to eat, to have my belly scratched for all time, to run through the fields and the woods, to smell the stories of life, and to raise my nose to the wind and see the world all over again. I am going home. I know I leave you in loneliness and pain. That is the way of people when they say goodbye. Dogs are different. We don’t have regrets or wish that we could alter the story of life. Although I have been called away, I leave you with the memories of our life together. I remember a cold winter’s night when you sang to me in the dark as the wind howled and snow drifted outside the window. I felt your loneliness and knew my work. When you looked at me and the corners of your mouth turned up, you smelled and looked different. Lighter, happier. That was my life, my work. Nothing more clearly defined my purpose. When you smiled, I knew why I was here. I never tired of watching you, of being with you while you lived your life. I sat by your side, entering into the spirit of the moment. I supported your life, wherever it went, whatever you felt, whatever you did. I was your witness, your testament. I remember walking in the snow. And running alongside you. And chasing after balls, Frisbees, sticks. And warm fires on cold nights. And sitting by you when you read books or watched baseball games. I remember my heart jumping out of my chest when you came home and called my name, or grabbed a ball, or took me outside, or fed me. I hope you know that I loved all of those things—whatever you chose to bring me and give me, whatever time you spent with me, I loved. And I thank you. I always knew where you were, even when you forgot me or couldn’t see me. You had no secrets from me. You showed me everything. We trusted each other. Unlike people, I would never hurt you. I could never hurt you. It is not an instinct I possess. I smelled and felt all of the worries in a human life, but I am different. Like other animals, I want only what I need. Your life is too complex for me to grasp. There are so many things in it that are meaningless to me. I am so much simpler than you. I love you and I love all the people and animals in our home. And I love food and smelly things in the woods and balls and Frisbees and bones. There is not much more to me than that, and yet you loved me for it, and despite it. By now, you must know that there is always a goodbye hovering in the shadow of a dog. We are never here for long, or for long enough. We were never meant to share all of your life, only to mark its passages. We come and we go. We come when we are needed. We leave when it is time. Death is necessary. It defines life. I will see you again. I will watch over you. I hope, in your grief and loneliness, that you will consider how sad it would have been had we not had this time together, not had the chance to give each other so much. I do not mourn or grieve, but I will miss standing beside you, bound together on our walk through life, even as I know that there is a long line of others waiting to take my place and stand with you. Thank you. It was nothing but a gift. And finally, I ask these things of you: Remember me. Celebrate me. Grieve for me. And then, when you can, let me go, freely and in peace. When you are ready, do me the great honor of bringing another dog into your life, so you can give and receive this gift again."

<Going Home> by Jon Katz

Although I could not understand some of the things he's done, I found this part very moving...
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the wonderful "words of wisdom" that our beloved companions would share with us as written by Jon Katz. It brought tears to my eyes because it is so true and applicable to each of our companions whoever the life form. Our companions do not care about our social status, financial wealth, or where we live. They accept us TOTALLY for who we are and give us their unconditional love and undivided attention. They may not always like "what" we do - - but they love us just the same.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
It's been three weeks since we said goodbye to our baby. I'm functioning better at work, and I'm not crying multiple times a day. The last few days I spent less time out in the patio partly because we're going through a heat wave and also partly because I'm not aching every single moment when inside. Night time is still the hardest. I realize it doesn't take more than a half second for the thought that Bruno's not here with us physically to come into my conscious whenever I'm even vaguely waking up. His absence on our bed is so tangible. That little weight leaning against my foot, leg, waist... Sometimes he used to lay right between my and Larry's heads. We always liked it so much when he was laying right there. His sweet breathing and smell made us so fully content every time we felt it around our faces. The digital photo frame on his memorial table is randomly rotating pictures of him every 15 seconds. When I come out during the night for a glass of water or to use the other bathroom I see those pictures still displaying and the flameless candle still flickering. It is at once comforting and also heartbreaking. Every time I want to cry I cry telling Bruno "I love you little boy" and it does seem to make it a little less hard. Getting used to him not being here physically will take a long time but I assume and expect it is and will keep happening gradually. The three of us were able to be together for 13 years and 1 month and it truly was and is and will continue to be the most wonderful gift that has been given to us. I love you Bruno and you are forever in our hearts.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Jae, the writing by John Katz is SO touching.

And thank you for sharing your and Larry's journey. Please continue to share and post all the pictures you can.

Oh, I love the idea of the digital photo frame rotating precious pictures. wub.gif

Kathy
moon_beam
Hi, Jae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you are doing, and for this precious picture of your beloved Bruno reading the paper. Another treasured memory for you and your beloved Bruno to cherish together - - for I firmly believe that your beloved Bruno's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your daily activities and all the many treasured memories you made together during his earthly journey. So when you settle down to read the newspaper, - - or do any other activity - - you can do so with the reassurance that your beloved Bruno is sharing that activity with you - - even though you are no longer able to physically see, hear, touch, him.

This grief journey is one of adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companion - - and it is also a journey of our relationship with them transforming to a different dimension because love is eternal - - it is always growing and enduring and thriving - - and their sweet Living Spirit is always with us - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us - - they are always and forever a part of our heart and memories.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Jae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bruno's and Hani's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and Larry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Hani&Bruno
It's 3:37AM and I'm sitting in front of my laptop. For the first time since we let him go, Bruno came into my dream. I don't remember what kind of situation it was before that moment. It was a long, bizarre as usual, kind of dream. But at one moment, I just saw my Bruno right before my eyes. He was walking at his fastest speed, as in his younger years, really happily. Not only did I see him, I picked him up and held him in my arms. I held him so close, kissed him on his head and neck, rubbed all four of his paws, and I smelled him. It was just wonderful. Again, I don't remember what happened before that moment in the dream, but somehow, I was asking him like where've you been, oh, you're back, and things like that. I don't think it was like I was aware of this real situation where nearly 4 weeks ago he had to leave us physically, but somehow I was extremely happy to see him running like that in that dream.
I woke up. I usually don't remember my dreams even right after I wake up. But this one was different. I saw my baby in my dream for the first time since that day. It was wonderful and made (is still making) me cry.
This past Monday I resumed working on my project again. You can call it my second job but it's really not about money. I work with my former colleague back in Korea who runs a small publishing company on project basis, basically translating/editing for her. I was closing on to the 65% range on this one (13th or 14th book for me) when that happened and as you can guess I couldn't go on for a while until a few days ago, and that's why I couldn't come back to this forum to write more.
But this dream was like a gift. I'm so grateful that Bruno came to see me, let me hold him and smell him, if only in my dream. Thank you little baby! I love you and miss you so so much!!!
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