Guilt, fear of it never stopping Options

[hegelsmom]

Many of you have been very kind to me, regarding the passing of my cat, Hegel.
You have been reassuring to me, about my guilt.

I just can't seem to shake it. I can't even think about the nearly 11 years of loving
care that I provided to him. All I can think of is the horrible, unforgiveable fact
that I didn't take him to the vet sooner. I have since recovered a memory of him
slipping outside unnoticed. He was out about 20 minutes. We recovered him
easily, and of course I scooped him up kissing and hugging him.
The skin sores that he had around that time, now make me suspicious. Did another
cat attack him while he was outside? The only reason that I was complacent at
all about skin sores, is the fact that he had been a "scabby kitty" for years. He
had feline pempigus, and flea dermatitis. He was itchy quite often. He would sometimes bloody himself up, around the ears, or neck. I kept prednisone tablets
from my vet, and if the itching was really bad, I would give him some. I used them
sparingly, as pred is hard on anyone long term.

For some reason, I never made the connection to the slip outside, and the sores.
I can't say for sure that they are connected. The week that happened was the
second week of November, and we were without heat and water. I remember that
I called my vet for an appointment, and they didn't have any when I wanted one,
due to me having to be home for workmen. I said I would call back. I never did.
His skin sores healed, he was still just a little itchy. Now I feel so very stupid.
There just wasn't a big red flag that he was sick, until December 6th. I found
those sores around November 7 or 8th. I know he was eating regulary, I know
he played in my son's high chair box that we bought on November 19th. I know that
he and I played for some time on November 22, and me looking at his neck, thinking
all was well. I remember that date, because of talking to my neighbors out a window while holding Hegel. I started housesitting/pet sitting for them the following
day, which is why I remember the date.
He slept a lot, but he was chunky, and he was nearly 11. Every morning, me, Hegel
and my 7 month old son hung out in bed together. It was our little morning routine.
Thanksgiving week, I gave him 3 tablets of pred for itching, Mon, Wed, Fri, as is
usual for pred for him. On the 29th of Nov, ( I have the receipt) I bought him
a bag of Hill's Skin and Coat formula, thinking it would be good for the sores, and
he always got a little dry and flaky in the winter.
That week, I got very involved in my son's first Christmas. I didn't pay as much
attention to Hegel. I know he was hungry that week though, excpept for Friday
night. That weekend, he was very sleepy, but again, nothing unusual for a big
fat housecat.
Then Monday, bam, no appetite, dizzy, pupils glazed. That was December 6th.
My vet found an absessed lymph node on him, and a high fever. He was dehydrated.
The lymph node turned out to be an absessed salivary gland, and shrank with
antibiotics. His bloodwork indicated very bad anemia, and she sent me to an
animal hospital with him. I told the hospital about the sores. Of course by
this time, there weren't any sores. They asked me about the possibility of a fight.
I said no. I never made any connection to that "getting out" incident.
They missed a heart murmur at the hospital, and sent him home with me after 5
days with antibiotics. He made little progress at home, and had to be taken
back. That is when they did a chest x-ray, and said that the infection had gone
to his heart. It's called bacterial endocarditis, and it does irreversible heart damage.
He developed pulmonary edema, and could not breathe well in an oxygen tank.
My baby was gone on December 21st.

And now, I blame my husband, who let him out, and I blame myself for not getting
him to the vet sooner. I feel like this guilt is going to destroy me. I can't reconcile
in my mind how I could have been so complacent with someone that I loved so much?

I know that all of you understand how much I loved him, as you all loved your babies
dearly. Hegel and I had little ritual, where i would whisper in his ear, "Mommy promises I'll always take care of you." I let him down. I spent about $1600.00
trying to save him, when $20 worth of antibiotics, most likely would have saved his
life 2 weeks earlier. Now I know I will never know if that is true or not, but that
is how I feel. I told the doctor in the hospital the day that he died, that if
he could save my cat, if it was just a matter of money, tell me, I'll get it. He
said there was nothing he could do about a damaged heart valve.

I feel like I'm drowning in my grief. I am trying so hard. My infant son needs me.
I am vacant.
I appreciate everyone who reads/listens to this.
I want my little family whole again, and it can't ever be. And worst of all, my husband
and I are to to blame.
I AM SO SORRY HEGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11