Juicy Passed On May 10, 2013 And I'm Still Sobbing Options

[Lnp0810]

I've never posted anything in my life but felt the need to re: death of my baby girl, Juicy. I need help and support from others who loved their furry kids more than they ever thought possible.

I needed to board my two girls over the May 4th weekend due to an out of state wedding and having two furry girls along with my daughter, age 5, was going to be too much for me. Although boarding Juicy had nothing to do with her death, it was 4 days less that I got to spend with her. My husband picked up Juicy and Xanax (her newly adopted sister just 2 weeks prior) from the boarders on Monday, took them home, and after seeing blood in Juicy's urine and noticing her lack of energy, he rushed her to our vets, where we were advised and immediately rushed her to the ER six weeks ago....Monday, May 6th.

Juicy was diagnosed with IMHA. After spending 4 nights in the ER, with every major drug possible and into her 4th transfusion, Juicy suffered a blood clot in her lungs, went into cardiac arrest, and was held on a ventilator until I could get to the ER. In the meantime, (unbeknownst to me cause I'm driving like bat~~ in LA traffic) she had suffered a second cardiac arrest, and after 30 minutes of CPR, the doctors stopped resuscitation efforts.

I was two blocks away when the doctor called and said she passed away. My life since May 10th has not been the same. I have broken down sobbing day after day while trying to care for my family and tending to my daughter's gymnastics meets, dance recitals, pre-k graduation. Through all of this, I've been doing it alone without any help. (My husband was on a 23 day work trip and I don't have family close by nor hired help.) Besides all of that, my heart is broken and my thoughts are constantly filled with Juicy.

I don't understand and will never reconcile how a young, healthy, vibrant Irish Jack Russell fell ill and passed away 4 days later. While I researched IMHA day and night Juicy was in the ER, it never crossed my mind she wouldn't make it. And I'm beyond devastated..... I feel as though everyone else has moved on except for myself. I never realized and valued her true essence, the major role she played in this family....in my life. And I'm not sure where to go from here. Other than to the Kleenex box.

I hate that I never got to say goodbye to her. I hate that she died on a table surrounded by people she didn't know. I hate that she was alone!!!! I feel like a terrible mother and even though the outcome wouldn't have been different, I feel terrible I have no idea what was going on in those last minutes and never will. I hate that when I left her on Thursday night at 10:30pm, it would be my last time ever holding my Juicy girl.

I know I need to see a pet grief therapist...I just barely have any energy to care for and be present for my daughter. How does one move on when plagued with so much hurt, anger, confusion, overwhelming sadness, and guilt? I say guilt bc I had Juicy first, then my daughter came along, and the attention was nowhere near what she got for the 14+ months....


Distraught, sobbing, and so so sad....
Lisa