The Debate, pts Options

[Saki & Freyj...]

So I say to myself "You should put Lec down before xmas instead of dragging her out to your folks house and stressing her out and etc. ..." Then I say "No, I can't do that. Even though I know she is dying, I should wait til Friday bc I won't be able to get thru xmas if I put her down before then..."

Then I think "Heck, I can't make an appt for friday. Nope. God(s) gave me a sign when it was time to put Frey down, and in their mercy took Saki from me and spared me that pain of putting her to sleep and until I get some sorta damned sign, I shouldn't even think about it..."

Then I look at Lec, cat milk (the only thing she'll consume now-- and very little of that) all over her face, too thin to get a damned needle in her for fluids and I think "YOU need to be merciful, you need to be strong... you are selfish..."

And this goes round and round and round and round in my head all day long.

I've had my talk with lec and told her she doesn't have to be strong and that she can go if she needs to. But I haven't had the balls to ask the gods if they will go ahead and take her. Last time, they answered that prayer, and while I really am quite grateful, at the same time, I guess I am scared that if I do that, they WILL take her...

[MistyMountain]

Saki & Freyja's Mom,

I was only talking about this sort of thing the other day with my husband that I'm glad in a way that Misty was taken from me and I didn't have to make a choice on putting her down if she was to become very sick...That was made for me, I think I would be going through exactly what you are...I too would want to hold off for my own selfish reasons and not for the cats...I think I too would want a sign or for someone else to make the choice for me....

You'll have to forgive me as I've only just found this site and have a lot to still read so I have missed quite a lot of whats been going on in everyones lives so I will try my best to catch up etc...

What ever you decide it will be for the best for both of you...(((hugs)))

Caroline....

[Saki & Freyj...]

Caroline,

Funny, I was thinking of you and Misty today before you replied to my post. Maybe I am lucky -- to have my pets for their full long healthy lifespan. Heck, Electra is 15!! 15!!! And as far as we can figure she was born with FIV, as she came from a kitty mill (back before we knew about those things) and has NEVER been outside and never had a fight with a cat (the most likely transmission) and never had sex (or even been in heat). So she had to be born with it. And yet all the readings I do say that an FIV cat can live 5-10 years. And she's 15 and 2/3rds.

Freyja died at 14. Before we put her down, something went wrong (not sure what, probably a stroke) and she was basically paralyzed. She could move her head, but nothing else. And so we had to put her down. Had to. Had to. Had to... I mean, really, what else could we do?????????? But really truly it is the worst decision I've ever had to make. And while in my head, I know it was "right" in my heart, always, I killed my dog....

I don't want to kill my cat...

Thanks for the hugs....

[SJ J & S]

Hi Jennifer

I know your mums not well and how much you need to go to her for Christmas but do you really have to, I mean as miserable as this xmas is going to be, no matter what you do, perhaps you would prefer to just stay at home with Electra.

I know it helped a little having people round last year but I still remember looking at Judes little face looking at me as if to say “why are you too busy”

Maybe it should be Tims decision this time, I don’t mean it like - well I decided last time – I mean that you have always said that Electra was more Tims baby than yours.

To be honest I don’t think the final decision is ours anyway I swear someone else took over my body and decided for me, just a look in their eyes a sigh the look on their face I don’t know but it happens and then everything else just follows: -

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and for the first time in months they’re not for me.

Luv you
Sue

[Saki & Freyj...]

That's the thing Sue: time with my mom is very limited as well.

I could leave lec alone xmas day. She actually seems to enjoy it when the house is quiet (ie I take Hathor)... It's that I've always spent the night on Xmas eve at my folks house, and I can't leave the cat over night. On the other hand, Tim volunteered this morning before he went to work to stay here xmas eve with the cat and come over to my folks xmas day (one of the blessings of living half an hour from my folks again...)

Tim made the appt for Saki. He asked me to and I said "NO! I won't do it..." I really am grateful I didn't have to. Saki loved me enough to give up, to go on her own. I wish Lec would go on her own, but I guess she's always been a fighter...

She was first diagnosed with fiv about 5 years ago, I guess. I cried and cried. I thought it was a death sentence (an immediate one). I think I cried for a year before I realized "that cat is fine." And she has been. She was always our healthiest pet, even with the FIV. After Saki and Frey passed this summer, I'd say "Lec is going to live to be 28...." The sad part is I think I believed it...

Her little collar gapes around her neck now. She's only had two collars in her life... I buried Freyja with her tags and collar -- it seemed right. Saki REFUSED all of her days to wear a collar. We tried many times. She'd always buck and freak and get them off. Once we got one that she couldn't get off, and she got her lower jaw wrapped around it somehow and nearly broke her jaw trying to get it off... so we gave up. As they are strictly indoor cats.... But Lec has always worn hers like jewelry. Her first one is in their memory box. I suppose I'll keep this one too and wear her tag.

And I am thinking I will make a calendar. Different photos for each month...
Yeah, I think I'll do that to distract myself now...

Love,
Jennifer

[Saki & Freyj...]

So she's been sitting on my lap for the past couple of hours while I worked on that calendar. I wanted it to be of all of them, but I keep picking pictures of her...

And she just hurts so much and cries and is leaking urine...

So the appt is in 40 minutes.

Tim is on his way home.

She just hurts so much. And she won't be getting better.... And at this moment it seems wrong of me to keep hanging on, to keep letting her hurt. But see, I know that in an hour I'll regret this. But what can I do? She keeps looking at me. She keeps begging me to make it better.....

[Saki & Freyj...]

Well, she's gone.

She went a lot easier than Frey. The vet assured us that to let her go on was cruel. I know.

Lecky, I love you. Momma is so so sorry. I am sure that by now, Saki has greeted you on the bridge. There are lots of soft sunny places to lay, and all the tuna and baby food you can eat... Momma misses you....

[MistyMountain]

Jennifer,

She's in no more pain, thats a good thing, I know your hurting, but she's not gone you just can't see her...With Misty I have been saying to myself that she is free to do as she pleases no more "cars" no more having to be locked up at night, free to roam the woods...and to watch over me with the other 7 cats I've lost over the years...

It's just over a week for me, I still remember the day but I'm healing, but I sure do miss her and its just really the little things she did that I miss the most....

I love the calander I too have been thinking of doing that...

Big cyber ((hugs)) to you my heart ached reading what you had just been through....

Caroline......

[Saki & Freyj...]

Thank you Caroline...

I guess I am lucky this time. Thank you, MD. I can't remember now if I found the board right after Freyja died, or right after Saki died-- they were so close together. But at least this time, I didn't have to go thru it alone.

[SJ J & S]

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done
For this last battle can’t be won
You will be sad-I understand
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand
For this day more than all the rest
Your love and friendship stand the test
We’ve had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears
You’d not want me to suffer So
When the time comes please let me go
Take me where my needs they’ll tend
Only stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see
I know in time that you will see
It is a kindness you do to me
Although my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved
And please don’t grieve it should be you
Who has to decide this thing to do
We’ve been so close-we five-these years
Don’t let your heart hold any tears

All I can say to you my poor poor darling is that there is only 9 days until this s%”*((y year is over and may God grant us all a better one next year.

Love and kisses and hugs
Sue

[Saki & Freyj...]

I can't believe they are all dead.

You're right, Sue -- thank god 2004 will be over soon.

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

I am so sorry this happened to you again. I don't know what to say. You've been on here as long as I have and we've said all of the regular things to person after person... You have heard it all.

How about you just give yourself a hug for me? 15 years.... a normal life span - and although that's no comfort at all, I know, it's a wonderful thing. A miracle that I'm sure was only granted because you both deserved to grow with each other.

[Saki & Freyj...]

Thanks DJ. And I do try to hold onto that. She was born with FIV, and everything I've read says cats with FIV can live 5-10 years. She lived 15. We were blessed.

I feel guilty bc I am not crying half as much as I did this summer. Of course, this summer, I lost Frey May 28, my dear Grandma May 29 and Saki June 19. And with Lec, I've been preparing myself for her loss since she was diagnosed in 1998... But still, she deserves all my tears.

Love yall
Jennifer

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

Less tears does NOT mean less grief - it means you are dealing with your grief in a different way. Perhaps, because you are not over your previous losses, this loss is simply not taking you to as painful a stage as the previous ones did. There is no shame in that. Grief changes from instance to instance - as does our way of handling it. And since you have been preparing, perhaps you have already been crying for a while somewhere inside.

[Saki & Freyj...]

We're getting two kittens tomorrow night. It does not feel too soon. I am ready. I know Saki and Electra cannot be replaced. It is not about that -- just as Hathor can never replace dear Freyja. But Hathor DID make me laugh again this summer, and I have learned to love her even though she is not nearly as well behaved as Freyja--nor as sophisticated and glamourous either.

I wasn't allowed to have cats growing up. How did I survive without cats? Maybe that is why my childhood was so difficult!!!! I just needed a cat (or two).

We are adopting two sister kittens. Their pictures look like a yin and a yang. They've got the exact same face splotch, but one is peach colored on her body (with a lighter shade of peach in the splotch) and the other is gray -- but with a identical peach splotch on her face. Their foster mother calls them Eva and Ella -- we'll probably change that (maybe to Lucy and Ethel... any suggestions? I am looking for names of famous sisters or female duos).

Their foster mother interviewed us. That's kinda tense! But I know we are good parents. She is going to bring them over tomorrow night.

Hathor is in heat! I never wanted her to go into heat although she has had a mild and chronic vaginitis and the vet said a heat would cure that. Still -- I did not want a heat. We intended to get her spayed right after the new year. Which may STILL be the plan -- I need to call the vet and find out about spaying when a dog is in heat. In any case, I am very distressed about this heat thing.

Love to you all.

Jennifer

[DJ - Edgar, Jess...]

Laverne and Shirley? Zsa Zsa and Eva? Hillary and Monica? Greta and Garbo? (grin - I can imagine you calling them with THOSE names hehheh)



Congratulations!!!! Give them a big belly raspberry for me will you?

[SJ J & S]

I think a kitten or two would be wonderful and wish you every happiness with your new babies, I can just imagine the joy your feeling in your belly at the thought of holding them and playing with them.

Of course pics are in order and good luck with the name picking - that I don’t envy you, I can never decide on names.

I'm glad to hear the note of happiness in your tone you deserve it after surviving this year.
Lots of cuddles to the new bundles of joy.

Love Sue

[MistyMountain]

Jennifer,

You must post some piccies for me would love to see, I also have thought about a kitten, not to replace Misty but because I really am missing the affection from her and that little fluff ball to love, I have been trying with Kittie but he won't stay on my lap, Tigger lets me pat him more but its just not the same, I actually cried for Misty last night first time in a good week, I guess I'm going through the stage of really missing her now....I talk to her every day, think about her everyday and sit and look at her garden everyday, I go to bed at night and remembe how she would jumb on my side and lie down and I would pat her...Sorry didn't mean to have a sad post was meaning to say the kittens sound cute, and I've always had cats, I not a dog person at all even though I grow up with german shepards...Always loved my cats...

Caroline....

[SJ J & S]

Grieving has no set pattern one day you think “hey I'm ok” then the next day you’re breaking down and cant control the tears.

I have Reiki once a month and she told me that I was closing off my heart because I said I didn’t want to cry anymore and that’s 9 months on.

So be patient with yourself, and cry as often as you need and post sad posts as often as you need, and pray for a snugly cat to be sent to you and I'm sure God and Misty will work together to send one to you when the time is right.

Love Sue

[Saki & Freyj...]

Thanks You all.

Thanks DJ for the name suggestions. Thanks Sue (as always) for the warm support. Caroline: your message was NOT sad. One of the things that happens to me when I post a reply is: I relate to something they say and then when I reply back, everything comes tumbling out (whether it seems to be a real response or not!). So I am glad something I said connected with you.

I am excited about the kittens. I bought new feeders and waterers and litter pans and toys and etc. today. But I am kind of nervous about meeting with the foster mom. What if she decides I am an unfit parent???? (Ok-- that sounds even ridiculous to me -- but who knows....)

Caroline (again): I know what you mean about Kittie and Tigger. Saki (more than all the others) was my real soul mate, my real cuddle muffin snuggle bear. It's not that I didn't love Freyja or Electra (or Hathor). But my bond with Saki was just out of this world. Tim (husband) says it is wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help it. Saki was my best friend in the world. No one could ever replace her. But I am looking forward to someone sitting in my lap and purring again...

Love,
Jennifer