Another Heartbroken One Options

[hol]

I just sit here and stare at the page. What do I say? I can tell you folks understand even that. I can't stop crying, my gut is so wrenched. My beautiful kitty, Mittens, got out apparenlty thorugh the cellar the night before last. We had a terrible thunderstorm that night. I didn't notice her missing until late morning yesterday. And now I'm just sick. We live in the country, surrounded by woods. Wet woods, though, and she didn't like to get her feet wet... She is an indoor cat but used to go out with me and follow me all around the yard, or a little ways into the woods. She loved to be outdoors with me, it was the cutest thing. She'd purr and rub on me, coming to sit on my lap every few minutes, if I was sitting... or just sit and watch me work.
I can't believe she is gone... we put up posters and have been walking and calling and talking to neighbors. I couldn't sleep, and once i thought I heard the coyotes and my insides just shriveled right up, and I kept dreaming awful things, people calling to tell me their dog ate her, and someone else had cooked her in a stew and wanted me to eat it...
I've been through pain before, my brohter-in-law was murdered 3 years ago, so I know the intensity will pass but I can hardly stand it. Everytime the realization passes through my mind, by gut and throat clench up. Part of me just wants to go on and on about how precious she was, but it hurts so much to think about her that specifically. She should be sitting here wiht me right now, on the chair across my shoulders, purring. I'd put my head back and rub her wiht the back of my head - she loved that. She loved me. She was my comforter, knowing when I was sad and coming to me with such love and purring. I know I"ll feel better someday, but right now it doesn't seem possible. We just moved to this house in Dec., our dream house, a log cabin with a fireplace.... and now I hate it. My poor husband - he left the doors open. I know he's dying inside too, and feels so guilty, it is hard to let him see my pain.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I have to work tomorrow, start of the summer semester - how can I do that? Thanks for listening. I'm at such a loss to pass each moment...
Sometimes I get a very wierd panicky feeling, too. I already have anxiety issues. I need my kitty.

Attached image(s)

 

[moon_beam]

Hi, hol, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Mittens. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. And to have a beloved companion "disappear" is even more unsettling.

Hol, right now there are no words in any language that can begin to soothe the seering pain that is in your heart. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that whatever words I write here will somehow bring comfort, encouragement, and hope to your shattered heart.

This grief journey is one of "adjustment" of continuing on with our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companion. It is a one day a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey - - for in the deep grief we can find ourselves tossed all around in a tempest of emotions - - sometimes all at the same time. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride because our emotions are uncontrollable and unexpected at any given moment. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds we can feel like we don't know which way is up.

Thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Mittens. What a beautiful baby she is. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will come to know that your precious Mittens' sweet Living Spirit is forever with you just as she always has been and always will be. But right now, hol, your heart must adjust to her physical absence, and this is both emotionally and physically painful.

I assure you, hol, that each of us here do understand what you are feeling and what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, hol. We are here for you through every step of your journey.

And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hol, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[hol]

Here we go again... I was doing okay for a little tiny while, and now the awfulness is flooding in again. I just can't stand the fact that she is gone. I want her back so bad, it is a panicky feeling. I hate it. A friend called and mentioned how she once had a cat disappear for weeks and then it came back. Now I'm imagining my poor sweet girl out there in the rain by herself lost and it is torture. I guess I've sort of been comforting myself by thinking she was sick and wandered off to die alone like our dog once did, as pets sometimes do, and that is better than thinking she is out there lost. I feel guilty for not searching more and more. What if she is out there somewhere?

I wandered the woods again, calling for her. Nothing but silence. I found a pile of fur rather like hers, and just about died but it was deer fur, and the skin was too dried to be fresh. I'm just dying inside. Each sound I hear in the house I think maybe she just crawled out of a hiding place. But its not a big house, and we've searched everywhere several times. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I snuggled with my other cats today and tried to pray and sort of napped. I have to get ready for work tomorrow, and I don't have the gumption. Summer semester, wicked long class, 8 to 12:20. How am I going to do it? I usually love teaching...

I know it will get better, I know it will get better, but oh, how I ache inside. Such a sweet, sweet girl. She loved company; the other cats would hide, and she come out and rub on people, and love on them, and sit and listen to the chatter like she was part of the group, beautiful green eyes all attentive. She knew I loved her; I told her all the time and we just loved on each other. I hope she isn't waiting for me to come find her. Oh, God it hurts.

Thanks for listening and the encouraging words. It helps so much knowing someone cares.

Hi, hol, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Mittens. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. And to have a beloved companion "disappear" is even more unsettling.

Hol, right now there are no words in any language that can begin to soothe the seering pain that is in your heart. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship in the hope that whatever words I write here will somehow bring comfort, encouragement, and hope to your shattered heart.

This grief journey is one of "adjustment" of continuing on with our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companion. It is a one day a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey - - for in the deep grief we can find ourselves tossed all around in a tempest of emotions - - sometimes all at the same time. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride because our emotions are uncontrollable and unexpected at any given moment. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds we can feel like we don't know which way is up.

Thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Mittens. What a beautiful baby she is. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will come to know that your precious Mittens' sweet Living Spirit is forever with you just as she always has been and always will be. But right now, hol, your heart must adjust to her physical absence, and this is both emotionally and physically painful.

I assure you, hol, that each of us here do understand what you are feeling and what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here, hol. We are here for you through every step of your journey.

And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, hol, and I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, hol, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Because our bond with our beloved companions is so very close, our hearts "know" when they will no longer be physically present with us. Yes, our hearts can hope for a miracle - - as well they should. Still, there is that "knowing" in our hearts that we cannot deny, and we must allow ourselves the time and opportunities to grieve the unbearable absence of our beloved companions' physical presence.

I so well know what it is like to have to work when the deep grief of sorrow is so near the surface. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat for a few moments to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue with my work. Putting on a "public face" is not easy when one's heart is breaking from the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity.

This is why this grief adjustment journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. And this is why it is so very important for you to know that you are not alone - - you are among friends here - - there is no need for a "public face" with us.

Hol, I hope you will have a peaceful evening tonight, and that tomorrow will be easier for you than what you are expecting it to be. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gretta's Mom]

Dearest Hol

Please accept my utmost condolences on the disappearance of your beautiful Mittens. This must be far worse than most of us have had to endure. We know where our babies are - we don't like it - it hurts like #(&$ - but at least we know. As MoonBeam says, there is "knowing" at some level. You could search all your life and maybe you wouldn't find her physically. But she IS with you in spirit. Loving you, guiding you, helping you through the horrible times. I taught at the college level for many years and can FULLY understand how summer semester - especiall with a LONG class - seems like torture right now. All (all!) you have to do is get through it one moment at a time. Our special spirit animals share a soul with us. They and we have existed from forever and will go one until forever. Our bond is love and love is forever. It just hurts so *#&$^ bad that we can no loner see or hear or touch them - for a while. But they're there, just a breath away. We suffer their disppearance in proportion as we love them. (And how horrible that you have the crime or murder so close to you.)

Mittens is with my Gretta and all of our Lightning Strikers' soul-animals in a Perfect World. a wise old preacher once said that belief (faith) was a choice, a decision about what to believe. Well, I've chosen to believe - along with most of the rest of the world except the West - that animal souls and human souls are the same 'stuff' and are interchangeable and that we all live on after this visible world. I'm sticking with that belief - partly because I don't know how it's possible to live without it.

When your heart is in shreds, when you look everywhere and see nothing, please remember that Mittens is right there - and so are we, you Lightning Strike friends.

A little peace wish is coming your way, Mittens' mom.

From Gretta's mom

[Abby's Mom]

I"m so very sorry for you and for sweet Mittens. What you're going through I think in many ways is much worse than the closure that most of us have been afforded with sharing last moments with our precious ones. It's impossible not to keep hoping that she'll suddenly return and that is the most natural feeling in the world. And I must admit, that a part of me hopes right along with you.

Honestly, I am at a loss for words here. Other than to say that we are all here for you through this terrible time, no matter the outcome. I'm saying a prayer for Mittens tonight and for you too. This site is the most amazing one that I have ever been a part of. We're all brought here because of our intense pain and grief and yet, somehow we find ways to reach out to each other offering encouragement, support and the most beautiful sincerity that the heart has to offer.

Be well Hol, may you find some peace tonight.

Take care,
Abby's Mom

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Hol

I'm just writing to say I'm thinking and caring about you in your awful uncertainty. That's the worst - the not knowing. Way harder than we who know what happened. But just know that Ms Mittens is your other half. She's watching over you, same as before. She's loving you, same as before. It must be doubly hard for you to believe that, but those who have truly been loved by their soul's other half, know that it's true.

Please keep in touch. And may you find some tiny moments of relief.

The best to you from ... Gretta's mom

[Gretta's Mom]

Good morning Hol

Just a short note to let you know I'm thinking about you and praying for you and all you fur-babies, whether here or already in the perfect world. When you find the tiny moment of relief today, catch it and know that all your lIghtning Strike friends are sending it to you. (We'de send a whole lot more if we could, but we know it doesn't quite work that way - grrrrrrrrr.)

Cyber-hugs from Gretta, Rufus (my new dog) and me.

Gretta's mom

[hol]

Dear Gretta's mom,
I have the best news, and the saddest feeling that I can't make this everyone on the forum's news. A neighbor found my MIttens cowering in her barn, and she is home, with just a few scratches, filling the spaces that I thought would be empty forever. I am so very, very thankful. But also carrying a peculiar grief that my happiness can't significantly spill over for you all. I honestly wish it could; you folks are so precious. And I know where I'll be coming when the next loss hits, that won't be able to end so happily. All three of my cats are 15 or over, so it wont' be too long. But I've been reminded to love them and appreciate them more between now and then.
Thank you for your caring and support. It is so precious...
Hol

[hol]

Dear Abby's Mom,
I have happy news; a neighbor found Mittens cowering in her barn! She just has a few scratches, but is now home safe and warm and spoiled with love. I have great joy, but I also have a very real sense of sorrow that there is no way for me to really share the joy and relief with you all. I connected so deeply with your stories here, and feel very keenly your pain.
I really appreciate the support I received here, it got me through those few very awful days.
Thank you for being part of that (who knows, maybe it was your prayer that tipped the balance!), and I look forward to meeting you and Abby someday!
Hol

I"m so very sorry for you and for sweet Mittens. What you're going through I think in many ways is much worse than the closure that most of us have been afforded with sharing last moments with our precious ones. It's impossible not to keep hoping that she'll suddenly return and that is the most natural feeling in the world. And I must admit, that a part of me hopes right along with you.

Honestly, I am at a loss for words here. Other than to say that we are all here for you through this terrible time, no matter the outcome. I'm saying a prayer for Mittens tonight and for you too. This site is the most amazing one that I have ever been a part of. We're all brought here because of our intense pain and grief and yet, somehow we find ways to reach out to each other offering encouragement, support and the most beautiful sincerity that the heart has to offer.

Be well Hol, may you find some peace tonight.

Take care,
Abby's Mom

[hol]

Dear Moonbean,
A neighbor found Mittens in her barn, under an old truck, scared but only scratched a little, and now she is home filling her spaces again. I am so very, very thankful. I really didn't expect this, and feel humbled that I've been spared (for awhile) the pain of this inevitable, if temporary, separation. I wish I could make it this way for all the precious folks on this wonderful forum.
I want to thank you particularly for the two quotes at the end of your posts. They are perfect, and I found great comfort in them. Thank you for your faithfulness to the people who come here for solace; you invest a lot of time, and heart, into us all. May you be richly rewarded. Mittens thanks you, too!
Hol

Hi, hol, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Because our bond with our beloved companions is so very close, our hearts "know" when they will no longer be physically present with us. Yes, our hearts can hope for a miracle - - as well they should. Still, there is that "knowing" in our hearts that we cannot deny, and we must allow ourselves the time and opportunities to grieve the unbearable absence of our beloved companions' physical presence.

I so well know what it is like to have to work when the deep grief of sorrow is so near the surface. I was ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat for a few moments to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue with my work. Putting on a "public face" is not easy when one's heart is breaking from the deepest sorrow we will know on this side of eternity.

This is why this grief adjustment journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. And this is why it is so very important for you to know that you are not alone - - you are among friends here - - there is no need for a "public face" with us.

Hol, I hope you will have a peaceful evening tonight, and that tomorrow will be easier for you than what you are expecting it to be. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Dear hol, thank so VERY MUCH for sharing your WONDERFUL NEWS with us!!! I am SO O O O OO HAPPY that your precious Mittens is now back home safe and sound. This truly is an answer to prayer.

I know Mittens is thrilled to be back home with her mom. Please give her a special hug from "auntie moon_beam". Thank you again so very much for sharing your WONDERFUL NEWS!!

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LoveMyMickey]

Hi Hol.....I am sooooo happy for you and Mittens. When I first read your post I had a feeling that you would get Mittens back. I am sorry you had to go through all that heartbreak wondering what happened to her.

Thank you for sharing her picture. She is a beautiful cat.

LoveMyMickey

[hol]

OH, thank you. I am still in awe, and am determined to hold on to the thankfulness as long as I can. She is sitting beside me now, like she always used to, and how I grievingly remembered her doing... it seems too good to be true. I keep forcing myself not to take it for granted, to realize how much pain I would be in today, without her here, realizing that the things I have enjoyed today would have been far less enjoyable if she hadn't been returned to me. I am trying hard to glean everything I can from this experience.

She went outside with me today, and I made my husband take a picture of us, because while i was grieving I realized there weren't many pictures of us together. It is interesting; she seems a bit more tentative outside, and more aware of where I am and what I want her to do. And I keep telling her how much she owes to the folks who were praying for her, and caring about what happened to her. She is very humbled (right...).

Don't be too sorry for me; it was a very necessary wake-up call. It is amazing how much has changed inside me because of this.

I will continue to remember you wonderful folks, and to remember your pain and lift it up to the heavens and ask for mercy. Love is the greatest thing ever, and I somehow do not doubt that in the end it will prove to be indestructable, its own reward, full of eternal surprises, and worth an eternity more than we could imagine.

Thanks again for your sweet support and encouragement. Mittens sends a purr your way...

Hol

Hi Hol.....I am sooooo happy for you and Mittens. When I first read your post I had a feeling that you would get Mittens back. I am sorry you had to go through all that heartbreak wondering what happened to her.

Thank you for sharing her picture. She is a beautiful cat.

LoveMyMickey

[Gretta's Mom]

Halleluia! Another miracle!! Hol - I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy your Mittens is found and she's back with you! And Thank you SOOOOOOO much for sharing this news with us. Every one of us is truly happy when some joy comes into the world - whether it's a found fur-baby or a new fur-baby or an appearance of a fur-baby in the perfect world. Dance for joy, shout for joy, scream it on the rooftops (even though your neighbors will definitely form a new opinion of you), write it in skywriting, release a million balloons (oops, don't to that, they're harnful when they come back down) - AND - we're all doing all those things with you.

Mittrens' mission on earth wasn't finished yet. There's still love to ge given and received between you. There are still lessons to be learned - and let's hope they aren't as scary and gut wrenching as this one was! If ever you doubted that these spirit animals' souls were one and the same as your own, well, now you have proof. And, proof that prayers of all kinds - work!

Now, MS Mittens: I think Hol has 'got it' now, whatever you she was meant to 'get' after this scare. Please, please, lovely Mittens, next time find a gentler way to get a message across, OK? Welcome home, beautiful Mittens!

Gretta's mom