I Miss My Sweet Zilla So Much, I had to put my sweet boy to sleep Options

[cat mom]

My Precious Zilla
Today it will have been 6 months since you left us and crossed the bridge. Even though you are gone physically, your presence is everywhere here. I think of you everyday, and I still miss you so very very much. We spent twelve beautiful years together, but I am greedy - twelve years was not nearly enough. I wish we would have had so much more time.
I still feel so guilty that I didn't know that on the last night that you were still "you" that it was to be your last time to be with us. I would have stayed up all night with you and kept you close to me. I thought that you had gotten over what ever was wrong with you and you were getting better. I didn't know what was wrong with then. That last night that you came up and jumped up in my lap, you purred the loudest I have ever heard you purr. Had I only known that you were saying goodbye that night. I feel so bad, so selfish, because you were purring so loud, you just wanted to be near me, and I put you down and said goodnight and went to bed. The next morning, because of seizures you had during the night, what was "you" was gone.
You will always be in my heart and thoughts, my little one. I miss you, my little fur face.

[Juturna]

Dear Cat Mom,

Anniversaries can be difficult. I love the beautiful letter to your precious Zillo. How heartwarming that you feel his presence everywhere. I relate to the guilt in not knowing it was his last night on this earth. I only wish that I could have had the last night to do over again with my precious Victoria.

Please be gentle with yourself.
With peace and healing thoughts,
Juturna

[cat mom]

First, I want to thank all of you who read about my furkid Catzilla. Your kind words and compassion were so comforting.
I still miss him so much, but at least now, I can think of him and smile at the memories when remembering him instead of feeling the crushing sadness.

I'm at my wit's end about my other cat, Munch, and need your advice and suggestions. When I wrote about Zilla, I also mentioned about Munch had stopped eating, and I was having to force feed him by syringe. He's eating a minimal amount on his own now, but it's not enough, and I have to still syringe feed him once or twice a day to make sure he gets the nutrition he needs daily. My problem is this - we have to attend a wedding out of town during the Memorial Day weekend. We will be gone for 6 days, and I just don't know what to do with Munch while we are gone.

I use to be able to leave the cats with plenty of food and water and have someone check in on them daily, and they were all fine. But since Zilla died, that has changed. I now have to have him segregated in a separate room, as both Tank and Boomer will attack him. Maybe now that he is old (14 years) he gives off some kind of phermone that signals weakness or something - I don't know - but the other two cats will attack him on sight. He's very much a "scaredy cat" and will not stand up for himself he just runs, which just provokes the attacks even more.

We have taken a few day trips over the past few months, but nothing overnight, and while we are gone, he does not eat at all. If I am not here with him, he will not eat - period. I am pretty sure his eating problems are emotional/psychological. I took him to the vet when all this started, and the tests they ran showed nothing. He is very shy and scared of anyone except my husband and myself. I can't have anyone come in and try to feed him, he will just cower and hide. I have made a reservation for him at a pet boarding veterinarian's office, but I absolutely cringe to think what that will do to Munch. He's never been boarded before, and to think of him cooped up in a strange place in that cage for 6 days, with strange people handling him, strange smells, barking dogs (vet's office), he will be absolutely terrified. I just don't know what else to do. I can't leave him home for 6 days to starve himself to death, and I can't have someone else come and try to feed him because of his fear of other people. I figure at least at a vet's office, they will be able to monitor him and know how to syringe feed him. At least they have a separate quiet room for cats, but because of having to force feed him, they want to board him in the hospital part of the office. They said they will put him in one of the large "big dog" cages, so at least he will have more room than the small "kitty condos", but still, a cage is a cage.

Do any of you have any ideas or suggestions? I feel horrible at having to put him through all this, but I just can't think of any other solution. I also know that with summer drawing near, my husband will be planning several trips, and we will probably have to board him then, too. Please help! Have any of you ever had to go though something like this?
Any ideas would be so welcomed and appreciated.

Sorry I rambled on so long. I know you are all going through your own grief and hardships, and my heart goes out to all of you. I figured maybe one of you may have had to deal with something like this in the past. Thank you for taking the time to read this. You people are wonderful, I am so lucky to have found you and this forum.
Cat Mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, you are doing exactly what I would recommend - - boarding him at the vet. You are probably right about Tank and Boomer sensing changes in Munch. As you know, when living beings in the wild become old, weak, frail, the other pack members do become more aggressive toward them. It's their way of keeping the pack strong as well as their way of coping with the inevitability of having one less member in their family unit. I know it seems cruel, and feels cruel for Munch, but Tank's and Boomer's behavior is normal under the circumstances, sad to say.

I am so sorry your precious Munch is having a very difficult time. Perhaps when he is at the vet's you could have them do another check up. What might not have shown up in tests the first time might give a "clue" now. But you know Munch much better than anyone else does, and this is only a suggestion.

I just want to query you: Has the vet mentioned anything to you about a feeding tube? Think about this carefully because this is a surgical procedure. You may want to discuss with the vet you're boarding Munch with if you give them permission - - or not - - to insert one. This of course will give Munch more opportunity to receive more nutrition than through syringe feeding, but there are other risks involved because the feeding tube is invasive.

Cat Mom, please know that I do understand what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you. I am so glad that Munch is eating some on his own. This is good. You are doing everything in your power to help him, and this includes making sure he is in a place where he can receive the proper care while you are away. It sounds like the vet office is going to try to make his stay with them as peaceful, and healthy, as possible. The reality is - - there's no place like home with mom, and I know you are already looking forward to getting him back home with you as quickly as possible once you return from your trip. Please know you and your precious Munch are in my thoughts and prayers, and do look forward to knowing how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Hi Moon Beam
I hope all is well with you and your sweet little Noah. Thank you for your ideas and insights.
Yes, I had read up on feeding tubes when this all this started and I think at least for now, the syringe feeding is the better option. It's non-invasive, and Munch seems to tolerate it well. I know he really doesn't like it, I wouldn't like it either if someone was trying to force food on me that way, but as soon as we are done, he shakes it off and doesn't act mad, so I guess there are no hard feelings on his part. I monitor virtually every calorie he consumes, so I know when a syringe feeding is warranted. Some days, he doesn't need any, some days it might be once or twice.

I know that as cats age, they tend to get more finicky, but Munch takes finicky to a whole new level. He doesn't act sick in any other way, he just doesn't want to eat. Maybe it's some kind of kitty dementia or something. I kind of rule out that his sense of smell is decreasing - he definitely can smell what he eats - turning up his nose at some things, and willingly eating small amounts of other things. It's his whole attitude that has changed. He just seems to not enjoy anything anymore. I have to keep him in a separate room, and I try to spend as much time with him as I can during the day, but he seems like he just lays there and is just passing time. I also don't think this is a reaction to Zilla's passing. They were never very close, they more had a peace agreement and tolerated each other. He doesn't want to play, he rarely purrs anymore, it seems the one thing he does enjoy is waking me up every half hour during the night, kind of like he is checking up on me. It use to be so nice when they all got along, but boy, change one thing (Zilla's passing) and everything changes. I'm attaching a photo back when they were all friends - Zilla on the left, Munch in the middle, and Tank on the right.

I do know that boarding him at the vet's is about as good as I can do for him, but it just makes me feel so sick with guilt that he will be put through 6 days of hellish terror and confinement. I know the vet's caregivers will be as gentle and comforting as they can be for him, they even advertise that they specialize in "difficult cases" - they're going to have their hands full with Munch.

Thanks again Moon Beam, for your kind words. It helps so much to be able to talk about this with someone.
God Bless,
Cat Mom

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, thank you so o o much for sharing this wonderful picture of your precious Zilla, Munch, and Tank. It is written somewhere that our furkids are really the "heads of the household" and we - - their humans - - are their trained servants. Your Zilla, Munch, and Tank certainly look like they have everything well in paw. Thank you soo o o o much for sharing this wonderful picture with us.

Cat Mom, I know that even though you will be with family during a very special and exciting event, your heart and thoughts will be with your Munch. At least you have several weeks yet to prepare yourself and Munch for the time away from home. Please know you and your precious Munch are in my thoughts and prayers, and will be particularly while you are away. I will look forward to knowing how you and your precious Munch are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

My sweet little fur face, Zilla
I can hardly believe that tonight will mark your one year Angel-versary. It’s been a whole year since was last able to hold you, stroke your soft fur, and hear your chirp-meow of happiness.
Only a year, but already it seems like an eternity. I still miss you so very much and I still have a Zilla size hole in my heart; it’s missing the piece that you took with you when you left on your journey over the Bridge. I hope you are well and happy there, eating all the treats you want, lying in the sun, walking in the cool green grass and chasing butterflies. I know to everyone else you were just a cat, but to me, you were my special boy, my once-in-a-lifetime soul kitty.
I know some people on this site have said that you know if your departed fur-kid is near if you find a single feather. My goodness, the feathers that I have found lately! Dozens! And blue ones, too, my favorite color! It makes me feel better and closer to Zilla to believe that they are special little gifts that he has left for me to remember him by.
I want to tell Zilla's stories so others can know him too, so I will start by telling one tonight.

Zilla and the Flying Leap
When we first brought Zilla home, he settled in very quickly, and invented all sorts of
games and habits. His playfulness knew no bounds, and Zilla soon developed a trick with my husband, Gary. Gary would be sitting in his recliner, and Zilla would race up to him, leap up in the air, do a half roll in mid air, and land on his back in Gary's lap, waiting for his belly to be tickled. We use to get such a kick out of this trick.
One time when Gary's boys were at the house for a visitation weekend, Gary was in his
chair, and the oldest boy, David, who was 14 then, was sitting on the couch at Gary's left at a ninety degree angle to Gary. I was sitting on the other couch to Gary's right and also at a
ninety degree angle, so we were all sitting in an "L". We could see Zilla lining up for the
flying leap, and Gary told David, "Watch this!" Zilla started his run, made the leap, did
the half roll, and executed a perfect landing in Gary's lap, feet up in the air, and his butt
pointed at David. Not the most flattering or modest view. Gary reached down to tickle
Zilla's belly, and Zilla let loose a perfect golden stream of urine that arced straight over to David. From his angle, David couldn't see what it was, he just felt that something was making him wet. I, on the other hand, had a perfect front row seat, and just about fell to the floor
laughing. Zilla couldn't have hit the target better if he had used a computer guided
laser sight. He only did this flying leap trick for a few months, then stopped.

I’ll post more of Zilla's stories soon. Thank you all for taking the time to read about Zilla. I have been back to this site several times and try to keep up with all of you, reading your posts, and sending out healing thoughts and wishes to those of you who are currently going through a loss of your own. Bless you all for your compassion and understanding and for being here for all of us who are hurting.

Good night, my sweet kitty Zilla, I miss you so much and will always love you.
Cat Mom

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[leejaye]

Dear Cat Mom, Zilla is a gorgeous man, and just busting with personality from that story! I can see why he would have left an enormous hole in your world, there is no such thing as "just a cat..." or "just a dog...", there are only these amazing souls that come to us and change us forever, sending you hugs and a wish for a bit of peace today Leejaye

[moon_beam]

Hi, cat mom, thank you so much for sharing your and your beloved Zilla's one year angel-versary with us, and for sharing this wonderful picture of him with us. Oh the wonderful memories our beloved companions leave with us - - I truly believe there should be an "olympics" for our more athletic-oriented companions. And every one of them would be WINNERS!!!!

I so agree with leejaye that there is no such thing as "just a . . . . " Anyone who says that or implies it is totally clueless and insensitive. Your beloved Zilla is always with you, and I'm so glad you have received this affirmation with all the feathers being sent your way.

Cat Mom, thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Zilla with us. I hope today has been kind to you and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Zilla's sweet Living Spirit to comfort and cheer you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Hi Leejaye and Moon Beam,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read about Zilla. Yes, he was quite a character, it seemed like he was always finding ways to amuse us - the "Class Clown" of the cat world!

I wish you both peace and happiness.

Cat Mom

[cat mom]

Here is a few more things about Zilla that made him so special to us:

Zilla's Stupid Cat Tricks: Jumping Jacks...

One of them was jumping up to my shoulder and trusting me to catch him. He would never use his claws to catch himself or to hurt me. Usually this worked out fine, but occasionally, he would try to do the trick when my hands were full. Needless to say, I usually ended up dropping whatever I was holding to catch him. Do you think he did this on purpose? Hmmmmm....

He also would jump straight up into a open paper bag held right over his head. WOW! I’ve had several cats that have done this trick, so it must be one that they learn about from their “How to Please a Human" manual.


Another trick was jumping up to a dining room chair that had arms. He would jump up, grab hold of the chair arm and curl himself around it performing a perfect summersalt, and land flopped on his back. This was a variation of the flying leap he did as a kitten.

He enjoyed jumping into a clothes basket and having me drag him all over the house. He would stay in the basket no matter how energetic I dragged it around. I swear I could see him grin.

He loved to sit in our office chairs and go for spins. We would spin him for a minute or so, then stop the chair abruptly, and his head would wag back and forth until the spin effect would wear off. Sometimes we were too busy to spin him, so he learned how to jump into the chairs a certain way so he could get them to spin by himself. I swear, if this cat had been human, he would have been that guy that you see on the news, riding the newest extreme roller coaster 100 times a day.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, cat mom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and some of the wonderful memories you have of your beloved Zilla. AND for the wonderful picture of your "Amazing Zilla."

He truly sounds like quite the athlete. And I am chuckling at your observation: “How to Please a Human" manual. I think there is a LOT of "ad libbing" done along the way, don't you?

My number one kitty son, Eli, had many athletic feats as well, so I am now picturing your beloved Zilla and my beloved Eli teaching each other their "amazing" acts - - and when we join them in eternal joy at our appropriate time they will put on a performance for us.

Thank you again, Cat Mom, for sharing your beloved Zilla with us. I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Cat Mom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Hi Moon Beam,

Thank you for the kind words about Zilla. I can just picture your Eli and Zilla trying to "one-up" each other - I'm sure by the time we get to join them again they will have quite a show ready for us!

Yes, Zilla was quite the athlete in his younger days. As with all of us, as the years started adding up, he became a little more sedentary. I think the spirit was willing, but he just couldn't pull off some of his more strenuous feats.

I'll post some other stories soon, I hope you and others will enjoy reading them. Writing them here, I can see him doing all these things again in my mind. I have reached the point now where I still miss him so very much, but now I can look back and smile as I remember him as the happy fun-loving spirit that he was.

Have a good evening, Moon Beam, and bless you for all the kind words and heart-felt advice you have given to me and others. You are a huge part of the healing process here at L/S, and I and everyone else here so appreciate all that you give to us.

Cat Mom

[leejaye]

Dear cat mom, Thankyou for more Zilla tales (tails?) - excellent smile value!! I am so glad you can bring up these memories with more smiles than tears, I look forward to more stories!! Hope the world is kind to you today Leejaye PS That is one personality filled cat in that last photo!!

[moon_beam]

Hi, cat mom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Your beloved Zilla is very happy that you are now being able to remember his earthly journey with you with a happier heart. Will there be times still in your earthly journey when a mist will come to your eyes when you think of him? Yes - - it's part of the package of loving him so deeply and missing his sweet physical presence with you. But I assure you those moments will be brief because your beloved Zilla will always be with you in your heart and your memories, and he continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will.

We are here for each other, cat mom, each of us sharing the gift of both our individual and collective strength and encouragement with one another - - helping each other to find the hope and courage of enduring through a very painful journey until we, like you, are once again able to smile as we recall our beloved companions' treasured earthly journey they shared with us, and the blessing of their eternal love. To be a part of this community is a blessing to me, and to be able to offer comfort is both an honor and a privilege.

I hope today is being kind to you, and that you will have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, cat mom, and look forward to knowing how you're doing. And I, like leejaye, look forward to sharing your cherished memories of your beloved Zilla.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Hi Moon Beam and leejaye,
Thanks for your kind words and for reading more about Zilla. Moon Beam, you asked if I still mist up when I think about Zilla - yes, I surely do. When I go out to his grave and sit with him, I tell him, he should be out here next to me, sitting in the warm sun, smelling the sweet grass, not below in the cold earth, and the tears come. I know his spirit is there with me, but I still so miss his physical presence. I cherish every moment of the journey we shared together, and though I feel it was much too brief and cut short too soon, I can now look back and smile at the memories of his antics.....

The Mighty Hunter and the Bird Feeder

He always considered himself a great hunter. He would catch all manner of creatures but was very gentle with them and did not kill them. He would bring them into the house and turn them loose. Ewwwwww. The only creatures that he was pretty hard on were hummingbirds. I don't think he meant to kill them, but they were such fragile little things, just having him slap at them was enough to do them in. It always greatly saddened me when this would happen. I had a hummingbird feeder in the yard that I ended up taking down to discourage the birds from coming around.
Every now and then, Zilla would come marching into the house carrying a small twig or a leaf. He would meow loudly, announcing his great kill. I would gently pick up this offering and put it in the trash, assuring Zilla that, yes, indeed, he was a mighty hunter, and that I was sure the stick had put up a hell of a fight.
He also had a love of twisty ties. If he found one on the floor by chance, it was as if he had won the lottery. He could play with one for hours....OK , maybe it was minutes, but with a cat’s attention span, I'm sure it seemed like hours to him.

Gary built a bird feeder for me for my birthday one year. Zilla loved to climb up and sit on it. It was very fancy, it even had a little decorative wooden finial on the top. I shudder to think where that little spike was jabbing him. Zilla found that this was an excellent place to sit and wait for birds. After all, it was a bird feeder. I guess he thought that meant that it would feed him birds! He eventually got too heavy for the bird feeder, and one day he jumped up to sit on it and it collapsed.

Thank you all again for continuing to read about Zilla - he was such a ham, I am sure he is very proud of now being "famous".

Peace and healing thought go out to all of you who are dealing with your own losses. It may not seem possible now, but in time, it will get better.

Cat Mom

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[moon_beam]

Hi, cat mom, thank you so much for sharing more wonderful memories of your beloved Zilla with us. And the pictures - - truly a picture paints a thousand words!!!! So glad you had the presence of mind to capture these moments on camera!!!

Cat mom, I do so understand how you feel when you say: "I know his spirit is there with me, but I still so miss his physical presence." Nothing can ever substitute the physical presence of our beloved companions. To a certain extent no matter how much time passes a feeling that a very important part of your life is missing - - it's a part of the ongoing "adjustment journey" we travel when our companions precede us to the angels. And I am so glad you are now being able to find comfort in your many wonderful, precious memories that your beloved Zilla has blessed you - - and only you - - with. Thank you so much for honoring us by sharing some of your cherished memories with us.

I hope today is being kind to you, cat mom, and that you will have a very peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[leejaye]

Dear cat mom, Thankyou again for sharing these great memories and photos, I really enjoy them - Zilla most assuredly deserves his fame!! I know exactly what you mean about feeling their spirit but still missing the physical...sigh...hope the universe is kind to you today Leejaye

[LoveMyMickey]

Dear Catmom....First of all, I'm sorry for your loss of Zilla. That is one beautiful and talented cat. I think you could win the 10,000. or the $100,000. on America's Funniest Videos if you have recorded Zilla's tricks.......You have a lot of sweet memories to make you smile......I enjoyed your stories, they made me smile.

Your other cats are pretty too and I am sorry about Munch. I hope he gets better.....I hope you have a peaceful evening....God Bless...

Hugs,

LoveMyMickey

[cat mom]

Hi Moon Beam, leejaye and LoveMyMickey,
I hope you all had a peaceful Labor Day Weekend. Thanks to you all for continuing to read about Zilla and his exploits!
LoveMyMickey, to answer a few of your questions...
Munch is still doing OK, not much change with him, thank you for asking. He did a lot better at the Vet's when I boarded him than I had hoped. They gave him some apatite stimulants and he ate on his own while he was there, so they didn't have to add the trauma of syringe feeding him while he was there. Once he was back home, and the stimulants wore off, he went back to his old habit of not eating much. I still have to syringe feed him, sometimes only once a day, sometimes several times a day. He does eat some on his own, but just not enough to give him the calories and nutrition he needs daily. I have his weight stabilized at about 11-1/2 pounds, so that's a good thing.

As to Zilla, I, also, wish I had taken more video of him. I have lots of photos of him, but only two short videos. And I did have the $10,000 winning video of him.....and, stupid me, I taped over it!! It was of him sneaking out of the yard by jumping up on the BBQ, then up onto the roof, standing up on his hind legs and tippy-toeing around a barrier and then jumping down into the front yard. We finally had to put a full awning over the BBQ to block access to the roof.

Tank and Boomer are getting along like best buddies. They have occasional spats that I have to break up, but for the most part, they love to hang out together. I'll attach a picture of them "holding hands". Boomer is on the left and Tank on the right - I just love the smug expression on Tank's face.

I'll post a few more stories of Zilla soon - I hope you will enjoy them.

Have a pleasant and peaceful evening.
Cat Mom

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