I Miss My Sweet Zilla So Much, I had to put my sweet boy to sleep Options

[cat mom]

Friday August 27, 2010

Tonight I had to say goodbye to my cherished furry friend, Catzilla. He was a bit over 12 years old. We rescued him from the local animal shelter when he was a kitten. My husband picked him out because he looked so “f***ed up”, as he put it. He had ear mites so his ears drooped, and he had a bent tail that looked like it had been caught in a door, and a pitiful meow, but he was still cute!
He was such a good cat, so happy and loving, with a sweet face and gentle disposition. He gave us such love, joy and laughter. He was always ready to purr, even just having me walk into the room with him would get his motor going. In his later years, he loved sitting in my lap.
He’s never had any health problems until three days ago on Tuesday. He started having trouble walking, he was very weak, stumbling and walking slowly and aimlessly around the house, and sometimes would just stop in a corner and stare at the wall. When he would lay down, he wouldn’t sleep, just stare blankly. He showed no interest in food or water, which was SO not like him. He loved to eat ( he weighed 18 pounds!), and would even sit next to me when I would eat and gently tap me on the arm begging for a tidbit. I couldn’t figure what the problem could be, but whatever it was, it hit him hard and fast.
I took him to the vet and they did an X ray, blood test and urine test, but everything came back with acceptable levels. He perked up for a bit that night, then Wednesday he was pretty much a zombie. He would just lay there and stare blankly at nothing again, and was not aware of anything around him. I sat up with him all night on Wednesday, and I didn’t think he would make it through the night. Thursday morning, he was a little bit better, and he improved steadily through the day, and by evening he even ate, walked much better, and even jumped up in my lap for a nap. He was stretching, yawning and grooming himself, all the things a sick cat won’t do. He was almost his old self, clear eyed and relaxed. I think now that he came back to us for this brief time to say goodbye to us.
Today, Friday, he declined rapidly and was a zombie cat again. We had a feeling it was bad, but by 9PM he started having really bad seizures and spasms. All the signs were pointing to possibly a stroke or some other neurological problem, most likely a brain tumor. I think at this point, everything that was “him” was already gone. His heart was beating, he was breathing, but “Zilla” was already gone. We knew that this was something that he would not recover from, knew we would have to put him to sleep, and called an emergency vet. The vets around here don’t make house calls, so we had to drive him 30 minutes to the clinic. He hated riding in cars, but by this time he was barely conscious and not aware of his surroundings. The vet gave him a sedative to help calm his spasms, then had a hard time giving the euthanasia injection, his condition was so bad, his veins would collapse before she could administer the drug, but she was finally able to give him his release. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, watch my sweet boy fade away. It hurts like hell, I could never imagine it could hurt so much, and I know that a part of me died with him tonight. I have a hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal, but I also know that we did the right thing. I would rather suffer the pain of losing him and missing him instead of trying to keep him alive for selfish reasons and making him suffer. To give him the gift of peace was such a small repayment for all that he gave us.
Zilla and I will meet again on the other side of the Bridge, with all the other furry loved ones that I have lost over the years..
“A spark that burns so bright in our hearts shall never dim.”
I miss you so much, my sweet little fur face Zilla. I will love you always. Sleep in peace.

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[janika]

Dear Catmom

I was so very sad to hear of the loss of your darling Catzilla. He sure is beautiful and I love his name. You were with him when he needed you, and that means so very much. It's heartbreaking I know but it will bring you some peace in time, the fact that he knew his Mom was there with him. He'll be watching over you and knowing how much he is loved.
Please know that I am thinking of you and your dear Angel Zilla.
Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

[cat mom]

Thank you Jan and your little angels, for your kind words and thoughts. It really does help, just sharing this and being able to talk about it.

[wchamilton]

That is one of the fattest cats I have ever seen!

I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave Catzilla 12 love-filled happy years and in his eyes you and your husband were heroes for rescuing him.

You've come to a fantastic place for support and sympathy. I stumbled upon this site the day after I lost my dog Winston when he was hit by a car and I don't think I could have made it through that time without all of the wonderful people here. We're all a family, joined by both a love of animals and the shared experience of having lost one.

Welcome to the family, and please let us know how you're doing.

-Clay

[moon_beam]

Dear Cat Mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Catzilla. Losing a beloved companioin is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be healed and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of hte angels.

As I am reading through your post tears are flowing because I truly feel the depth of your love and how deeply you feel the physical absence of your precious Catzilla. Your precious furchild knows how much he was loved during his journey with you and your husband, and continues to know how much he will always be loved in your hearts and memories. The bonds of love that we share with our beloved companions go beyond the physical restrictions of time and space. Although the adjustment to not having your precious Catzilla's sweet precious physical presence will be difficult, you will always have his sweet Living Spirit with you wherever you go and whatever you do. He is always with you with every heartbeat, - - he is forever with you in your heart and memories.

Cat Mom, this grief journey doesn't care if it's our first or our thousandth loss of a beloved companion. Each grief journey is unique because of the individual relationship we share with each of our beloved companions. And each grief journey is painful. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Catzilla with us, Cat Mom. He is a handsome little lad. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time of sorrow for you, Cat Mom, and please do let us know how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Cheryl83]

Hi,

I'm so glad you found this forum -- where you will receive wonderful support -- but I'm so sorry you have to be here. You are about to embark on a difficult journey, a rollercoaster of grief, but we are all here with you every single step of the way. Right now it will feel like the tears will never stop -- but let them flow, they are 'healing' tears. I know it is cliche, but it really will get easier with time. We are never the same after losing our babies, but we learn to adjust to a new way of life, and come to realise that they are still with us, only in a different way.

I look forward to hearing how you're doing. Take care of yourself, Cheryl x

P.S. What a cute, cuddly kitty

[Berta]

Cat Mom, I am so very sorry that you had to say goodbye to your cherished kitty, Catzilla. Wow, he is so gorgeous and so big and fluffy! What a beautiful boy.

It is so heartbreaking to lose our furbabies. The pain and loss seems unbearable at times, but it will eventually subside and you will find yourself smiling at all the wonderful happy memories of Zilla. The grief process is a rocky and unpredictable road with many twists and turns. But we have to travel it and we all somehow get through it. Like Cheryl said, we have to adjust to life without out pets and it takes alot of time and alot of tears.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. This is a great place to come for comfort. We have all been where you are.

Hugs,
Berta and Chico

[cat mom]

Hello Clay,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know I will hurt for some time yet, but I know it will get better. Everyone on here is going through something similar, and I know we are all hurting, but it is comforting to know that we don't have to go it alone.
Yes, Zilla, did enjoy his food! Our nickname for him was "Budda Belly"
Thanks again for being here.
Cat Mom

[cat mom]

Hello Moon Beam
This is such an uplifting site. I am so glad that I found it. The people here are wonderful. Thank you for your caring thoughts, you have no idea how they are welcomed and appreciated.

[cat mom]

Hello Cheryl83 and Berta,
Thank you both for welcoming me here and for your kind words. This is one of those places that you wish didn't have to exist, but are so glad that it does.
Yes, I find my self crying at the least little thing. I still have two other wonderful sweet cats, Munch and Tank, and they are such a comfort now. On the night that I had to help Zilla cross the Bridge, I could not sleep. Tank stayed by my side the whole night, sleeping in a nearby chair. A chair he has never slept in before. He never sleeps on any chairs, only the floor or the back of the couch. It was as if he was watching over me.
Thank yo both again
Cat Mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, isn't it amazing the intuition that our precious furkids have? I am so glad you have your precious Munch and Tank to keep you company. Remember - - they are grieving the loss of Catzilla, too. The dynamics of their "pride" have changed, and they will be making adjustments in terms of "seniority". I hope they are doing okay, that they are still eating and drinking water okay. I know you are keeping a watch on them, as much as they are keeping watch over you.

Again, Cat Mom, even though we "know" in our hearts and minds that our beloved companions are much better off with the angels, this still needs time to become a part of our core spirit before our aching hearts, particularly in the early deep grief, can begin to feel comforted. Take one day at a time, Cat Mom, and please remember we are here for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Cat Mom, I just read your post about your Zilla. I'm so sorry. Zilla passed on the one-year mark that our Frasier passed. Your story is a little similar to mine in that we both had fat boys and they both left us before they were actually gone. We lost Frasier and his brother, Niles this past year as well as our dog, Buck. It's been a rough year, to say the least. But this forum has been a life-saver. Especially as more time goes on and you start thinking you should be further along than you are but you come here and find out that it's ok.
Niles and Frasier "disconnected" in their last days like Zilla. In fact, in the days leading up to Niles' death, I couldn't get the song by Kelly Clarkson "Already Gone" out of my head. I think it was a message to me that he wanted me to move on. That he couldn't come back and he knew it. I loved all my boys with every fiber of my being but Niles was my soulmate kitty. So, I understand where you are right now. And I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad you have 2 other kitties to help you right now. Are they big ones too? I just love big kitties! Your Zilla was beautiful. I'm sorry. I really am.
-Donna

[cat mom]

Thank you Moon Beam, you are such a special person. It blows me away that people who I have never met before and probably never will meet can reach out to a total stranger and offer such compassion and understanding.
Today, over Zilla's grave I put some nice border stones and some flowers on it. Of course, I was almost blind from crying while doing it, but I felt a little better when I was done. It's so strange to feel such a weight on my heart, and at the same time to feel such an emptiness. I have lost many fur kids over the years and have grieved deeply over each one. But for some reason, Zilla's passing is just so much worse. I am lavishing extra affection on Munch and Tank, and I know they are wondering where their buddy is. It amazes me how our little fur kids can wrap their little paws around our hearts so tightly. I know we never can really call them ours - they are just on loan to us for a short while. I know God must have been missing him too and was tired of waiting and called him home. When Zilla was having his awful seizures, I was praying to God to take him gently, and I found out from the vet that as horrible as the seizures are to see, Zilla was unconscious and was in no pain. So the Lord heard my pleas. That is at least some solace.
Thank you again Moon Beam

[cat mom]

Thank You Tanbuck/Donna. I am sorry to hear of your losses too. I love the names of your kitties, Frazier and Niles. And I'm sorry to hear about your Buck too. You have have had a very sorrowful year.
Zilla only started to gain weight when my husband brought Tank to join our family. I think Zilla felt like he had to compete for food, even though they all had their own separate bowls and they all got the exact same thing. Tank is a normal weight cat, and Munch is almost skinny. I think his age has something to do with that though, he's almost 14.
Thank you again for your kind thoughts.
Cat Mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, I do so understand how therapeutic it is for you to work on Zilla's resting place. It's a "living" memorial to him - - with the plants and flowers, etc.. There are so many different variables in the grief journey, Cat Mom, that makes each one very unique - - including the time in our life - - what is happening in our lives at the time - - when one of our precious companinons precedes us from this side of eternity. The loss of their physical presence can also conjure up other emotions that we never thought were important before, or emotions or memories that we thought we had successfully "dealt with" in the past. It's a journey that has so many different combinations of emotions at any given time.

I do so understand what you mean about feeling heaviness in your heart at the same time emptiness. Because of my age for me now every month has multiple anniversary dates of when one of my beloved companions joined the angels. Although you do eventually "adjust" to the day to day physical absence, there is always, always, always an awareness that a part of you is with each of your beloved companions.

I am so glad that you feel God's answer to your prayers for Zilla's peaceful journey back home to Him. When my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle (see Abbygayle's Journey if you'd like) joined the angels in March, I had this vision in my mind of God holding her in His arms with her looking up at Him with her beautiful, trusting eyes, and Him holding her in His lap at His banquet table feeding her to her heart's delight - - because she was once again able to eat - - healed in His loving arms. While I still cry when I think of this - - because right now it's still very hard to not be able to hold her sweet precious physical body in my arms - - it does bring me great comfort and peace knowing that she is in the perfect care of our loving Father Creator. My beautiful baby girl was an answer to prayer when God brought her little life into mine, and now God is taking perfect care of her in His heavenly home, and I am very grateful for that. And I am grateful for being blessed of the privilege of having been her earthly guardian, of having her sweet Living Spirit forever with me in my heart and memories.

Cat Mom, as you so eloquently said, our beloved companions do wrap their little paws, claws, hoofs, fins, - - whatever - - tightly around our hearts. And this is one of the many reasons why it is so painful - - both physically and emotionally - - when they precede us from this side of eternity. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation -- the part of us that belongs only to them.

I hope you will come to find that there are no "strangers" in this forum. Although we willl probably never physically meet one another on this side of eternity, we are brought together here by the strongest bond we will know during our journey - - the bond of love that we share with our beloved companions. When we do meet each other at our appointed time in heaven's perfect garden, we will know one another without the need for any formal introductions - - for our beloved companions have already done that.

Cat Mom, thank you so much for sharing your precious Zilla with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you, Munch, and Tank are donig.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Thank you Moon Beam. Each day is getting a litter easier to deal with Zilla's loss. I don't know if I am starting to heal or just getting use to the pain. I still miss holding him so much, and having to fix one less food bowl at meal times still makes me tear up. I know my husband was so sadden by this loss too, but he seems to be getting past it much faster than I am. He's been so sweet and understanding, but he is starting to look at me like maybe I should be getting past it by now. I kind of feel like a Drama Queen, but I am doing the best I can to get a handle on my emotions.
Thank you Moon Beam, your words are so comforting. I know you are having to deal with your own grief and losses, and yet you are so comforting to so many others here. I think you are one of God's angels too, sent here to help us through our pain and grief, to give what comfort and understanding you can. Bless You.
Cat Mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, you are definitely NOT a drama queen. Clinical studies prove that men and women grieve differently, so it is not surprising that you write that it seems that your husband appears to be doing "better". However, this could just be a "front" he is trying to portray to keep from succumbing to his grief emotions, at least in front of you - - so that he can be strong for you as well as for himself. Yeah, I know - -. It's not uncommon for two people to travel different paths in their shared grief journey. Hopefully you and your husband will be able to share the memories you have of Zilla, and this will help you both in your healing.

But - - whatever happens - - just know that we are here for you - - we will share your tears with you - - believe me - - and we will share your wonderful memories of your precious Zilla. There will be no need for a "public face" here to disguise how you're doing and what you're feeling, - - and we promise you no "false pretenses" in sharing our hearts with you.

Cat Mom, it is an honor to be able to offer you and everyone who comes to this forum sincerest compassion in your deepest sorrow. It is said that in helping others in their time of need we also help ourselves by focusing on someone else's need - - by putting someone else's need first. One of the many important things to know when coping with deep grief is that you are not alone, and that is one of the vital healing elements that offers comfort, encouragement, and hope to a heart that is breaking. I know what it's like to feel alone in my losses. Coming here to this forum has helped me to know that I am not alone, and that I'm "acceptable" in what I feel. If I can offer you and our fellow forum friends compassion, comfort, encouragement, and hope then what I have experienced in my life and my being here with you and everyone has purpose.

Cat Mom, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Hi All,
Today is the three week mark since I lost my Zilla. I still miss him so much, miss stroking his soft fur and his wacky antics that would always make me laugh. There is still such an emptiness in the house and in our lives. I still find myself crying at the stupidest things, but now it's not the sharp ripping pain that it first was. Now it's more of a bittersweet longing for something that was so wonderful but is now gone.
After three weeks, I am learning to bear the grief and pain. I am not accepting it - as one of you posted here - there is nothing acceptable about it.

I haven't been here much lately. I read Ladywolf's post about needing to staying away, and I can really relate to what she said. When I first lost Zilla, I would come here several times a day. Everyone here is going through the loss of a pet, and after a while, I was finding that reading the posts of everyone and knowing how much pain and grief you were all going through was keeping my pain fresh and not giving me a chance to deal with my own loss. I wanted to give comfort to others, but just didn't have the words. I just didn't have anything to say that I thought would help anyone.

My God, that sounds so incredibly selfish. You all helped me so much through a very dark time, and I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and gentle understanding. But I am at a point now where I can't keep immersing myself in all the pain, grief and misery here. I need to start leaving the pain behind and remember the wonderful times that we shared with Zilla. I think I am at a point where I can start coping with his passing on my own.

This is such a wonderful place - so supportive and caring, and I thank God for leading me here, you all are incredible people, and I'll probably come back from time to time to see how you are all doing. I know this journey through grief can be long and painful, and we each have to deal with it in our own way.
I want to thank each and every one of you again for reaching out to me and helping me through my loss. I wish for all of you to find your way out from the darkness and find happiness again.
May God bless you all
Catmom

[cat mom]

Hi All,
Well, today marks 11 weeks since we had to have our Zilla put to sleep. Eleven weeks. How can that be? It seems like he was just here. The time has eased the pain of his loss somewhat, but I still miss him so very, very much. I go out to his grave almost daily and talk to him. I tell him even though he is not here, he is and will always be, in my heart. I still cry when I think of him. I honestly thought I would be past that by now.
Our new kitten, Boomer, is such a love, and so full of spunk and mischief, and even though I know Zilla would be happy that we were able to open home to another shelter cat, in a way, I feel like I am betraying Zilla, like I'm trying to replace him. Boomer has clearly chosen me, but again, I feel like I am betraying Zilla, and I'm having a hard time really bonding with Boomer. I care for him a lot, but at this point, I'm not sure I can honestly say that I love him, and that worries me greatly. He is such a sweetie and deserves better from me.
Boomer and our other kitty, Tank, have developed a really strong bond, it's so cute to see the two of them snuggled up together. I didn't think that Tank would ever accept another cat in the house, what a relief and surprise that they get along so well.
Our little old man kitty, Munch is having some issues. I can't help but think that bringing Boomer into the house caused this, it was only three days after we brought Boomer home, that Munch stopped eating. I have been having to force feed him 5 times a day for almost a month now. He's gained back a little of the weight he lost, but he's still not eating the foods that he use to love. The only thing he'll eat on his own in any quantity is his cat treats. At least they are 100% complete and balanced, so it's not just "junk food" I keep hoping that soon he will start to eat on his own again. He doesn't seem sick in any other way, he just won't eat.
I know that you are all still going through your own journeys of loss and grief, and my heart goes out to all of you. I truly appreciate that you have taken the time to read about Zilla, and I have also tried to read all of your posts as well.
Thank you all for being here - it does help so much to be able to talk about all of this with people who understand.
Bless you all
Cat Mom

[cat mom]

My dearest Zilla,
Tonight, on Christmas Eve, it will have been 17 weeks exactly since you crossed the Bridge. Your memories are everywhere here and we miss you so very much. We remember how much you loved the Christmas tree, batting at the ornaments, and with all the Christmases we shared together, you only broke one. You loved to play with all the ribbon and bows on the packages, and every year, after we had opened all the presents on Christmas morning, we would stick a bow on your head, and every year, you gave us the same peevish look that said we humans have such a warped sense of humor. It just doesn't seem like Christmas without you. There's no joy in the house tonight.

To all of you having to deal with the loss or illness of a pet during the holidays, I hope you find peace in your hearts, and warmth in the memories of your pet or pets who have gone on ahead to wait for us at the Bridge. Your compassion, understanding and kind words helped me so much in dealing with Zilla's passing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

We love you and miss you, Zilla, you will be with us always. Sleep well, little one.