Niles Is Gone, I've lost another baby Options

[tanbuck]

Hey boys. I'm looking at your pictures right now. I miss your sweet, quiet presence so much. I miss you knowing me and knowing our house. I miss familiarity. Niles, the little girl kitty you sent me doesn't understand us yet. I just want to ask her why she can't be like y'all! I know it's not fair. She's sweet but she's not my boys. Frasier, I'd kiss that belly if you were here. Niles, I'd kiss your head if you were here. Where are you guys? Frasier, you quit "visiting" as soon as Niles came to you. I like to think that is because you are now content to have him with you. But I miss those strange occurrences. Niles, you've never "visited" that I know of. Why is that?
Buck is on the floor next to me. He's getting more frail all the time. I think he seems to be a little unhappy but you know Daddy denies it. But then again, Daddy denied that you two were as sick as you were for a long time. I wish I could restore Buck's hips and nerves. Daddy is going to have a hard time when Buck comes to y'all. The little girl kitty doesn't understand why Buck doesn't chase her around. She seems very young. She misses her "real" home. I think she's beginning to understand that she isn't leaving here. I think it makes her sad. She's just confused. Daddy had a job interview today. Things could really change around here soon. It's a change that needs to happen but there's just been too much change lately.
My precious boys. I wish I would dream about you - but only if it's good dreams.
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, there is a saying that goes the only constants in life are taxes and change. Clinical studies show that change is very stressful, even the "positive" changes we encounter in our lives. And the stress of negative changes - - like the loss of loved ones (whatever the life form) is even worse. I know it must seem that I share a lot about clinical studies but I hope that in doing so it helps you and others who are going through their grief journey to know that they really are not "going crazy" - - that really what they are feeling and thinking is very NORMAL. And knowing that you're really not "going crazy" can be quite comforting, can't it?

I'm sorry that Buck is declining. Does it seem to be "speeding up"? I hope not. I hope that you will have Buck with you for many more days that will grow into months. It doesn't seem fair to have had to lose your precious Frasier and Niles only to have to "prepare" yourself to lose Buck, too.

I know that you and Daphne are struggling right now, but to borrow the title from a Hallmark movie, sometimes "Love Comes Softly", and hopefully one day you and Daphne will come to be able to embrace each other that is special and unique in your own ways. No, it won't be like what you shared with Frasier and Niles, or Buck, - - it's not supposed to be. It's about giving yourselves time to mourn your losses while still taking care of each other every day through the grieving process - - and then hopefully eventually coming to understand that through this the both of you have been able to come to love one another. I hope with all my heart that this happens for you and little Daphne. My heart would sing for joy for you both.

Donna, thank you so much for your thoughtful comforting words. Thank you for sharing my journey with Oslo and Abbygayle with me. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and I will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Dear forum friends,
I just have to get this out. I just donated a huge shopping bag full of different foods that we bought to try to entice Niles to eat when he was sick. It was so heavy, I could hardly carry it into the place. I thought I was ok but as I clutched his little bed on the way in, I knew this was going to be more difficult than I thought. I sat the bag down and as the lady turned around to me, I burst into tears! I didn't know this would be so hard. Why didn't I know? I mean, come on, you've read my posts. I was supposed to run more errands but I had to come straight home as I was crying like a baby the whole way and still am.
That bag of foods symbolized so much effort, anguish, commitment, and love. We tried everything for him trying to make him happy. For awhile we thought he was just being stubborn about his food. Every day we'd offer him a new buffet of foods to choose from. I did so much research on what would/could be best and in the end, we were like, "Heck, just eat the meow mix, we don't care! Just eat something."
That little bed still had his fur on it! It wasn't his favorite (we buried him in his favorite) and we didn't buy it until after he was sick so I thought it would be easier to give away since it symbolized the end. But it was still a part of him, I guess. I love him so much!
I know it will go to good use and I know that the babies who will get the bed and the foods are in desperate need. But still. That was MY baby's stuff. I still have a blanket of his that I haven't washed but other than that, everything is gone. I even got rid of his bowls - which I did right away and later regretted. I just thought at the time that those bowls had been part of that frustrating struggle with food in the end. I knew I wasn't going to let another cat use them and I thought that they would hurt me see. I don't know.
I'm sorry to ramble. I am just overcome all of the sudden. I had a bad dream about Frasier last night that woke me up. Today probably wasn't the best day to donate Niles' stuff but it was yard sale day and I was in clean out mode. Grief is so bizarre. It toys with you.
I hope you all are having a better day than I am right now. I know you will understand my rambling. Thank you.
-Donna

[ladywolf]

Dear Donna--

I totally understand your feelings about giving away Nile's stuff. How painful for you. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea beforehand, but I'm not surprised that you broke down. We need to pace ourselves when it comes to thing like this, but we don't always know what the right pace is until we've done something and then fallen completely to pieces. I look at Ladywolf's futon, which is a full-sized one folded over on my bedroom floor, and wonder how long I will hold on to it after she has passed. It takes up a huge amount of space--but it is her bed, and Poppers slept there too, and I can't imagine just throwing it away (it's too grimy to recycle.)

I'm having a hard time right now too. I used to be able to leave Lady, who is dying of sarcoma, with one of two friends, but she can't manage the stairs at one place and the slippery floor at the other, so now she is confined to hanging around my house, and I will either have to leave her alone here when I'm working, or haul her around with me in the car, and it's starting to get hot in southern Arizona. This is a hard time--so many "liberties" and pleasures are disappearing for us.

Again, I am sorry you are having such a hard day. We seem to go along kind of okay for awhile, and then we get thrown badly when we aren't expecting it. Don't blame yourself at all--what you are feeling today is perfectly natural, painful as it is.

Big hugs from Margi and Ladywolf

[karen - casey]

Dear Donna,

I am really sorry you had such a bad day. I donated Shelby's medicines to the shelter that I had volunteer for, the day after Shelby left us. I just could not look at it and did not want them to go to waste. When I called them they asked me if I wanted to foster this summer, I told them I just don't think I am up to it. I have had some heartaches with my fosters too. I had this really nice cat last year. They thought she was pregnant, but it was FIP. It just broke my heart, she was only about a year old and as sweet as could be. It is not the same as losing one of your own, but is still heartbreaking.

I know how hard it was for you today. I will be having an okay day, and then all of the sudden it all comes back to me and my stomach just flips. I woke up early this morning and then just tossed and turned - just could not turn my mind off.

I hope your day gets better.

You are in my thoughts.
Karen

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, oh, dear lady, what a horrible day this has been for you. As I was reading your post I felt tears well up in my eyes with the memories of what I did with my Samson's things. I took his food to the shelter, and thought I was okay doing it, but as I parked the car at the shelter and started to take the food to the door I started crying, and when the animal control officer opened the door I was in full gut wrenching sobbing. I managed to say the word "food" and he took the bag out of my hands, and I just turned and went back to my car and drove off - - sobbing all the way home.

I have a lot of of Oslo's things upstairs just patiently waiting to go to the shelter. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet.

Yes, my friend, this grief journey can lull you into thinking that the worst is passed, and then - - whamo - - everything comes flooding back and sometimes it feels worse than what you were feeling earlier in the grief journey. I am so glad you wrote to us to share with us what happened. It is times like these when we wonder if there will be any peace again at all in our hearts from the grief of loss.

Even though it hurts really bad right now, I hope that you will know that Niles is proud of you for sharing his things with other little furkids who can benefit from them. It was very hard for me to take some of my babies' things into the vet - - Eli's, Oslo's, and Abbygayle's - - so that they could be used for "Good Samaritan" donations, but I'm glad that I did that.

Donna, I hope you will take time now to give yourself a chance to rest and recover from the day's events. And I hope as you sleep tonight that you will have more pleasant dreams. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[karen - casey]

Donna,

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I hope you had a good day.

Karen

[tanbuck]

Margi, Karen, and Moonbeam,
Thank you all so much for helping me out yesterday. It just felt like a ton of bricks on me all of the sudden! And shortly after I posted, I began to feel a little better. It helped to just get it out. Moonbeam, your story about Samson's things was alot like the way it happened yesterday. I chuckled when I read your story not because it was funny but because it was so similar. Petsmart is not usually where you see people blubbering! I just wanted to get out of there. I must've looked like an idiot because I couldn't even seem to control my facial muscles , but who cares!
Karen, I thought about donating Frasier's medicines but I held onto them in case I needed them for Niles. I didn't end up needing any of them but when Niles passed, I angrily threw those medicines away. I was mad at them because they failed me again, I guess. Margi, I am so very very sorry that you're not able to leave Lady anymore. I remember getting to that point and it's quite debilitating, I know. I fear we'll be in that situation with Buck before long. In a way, we already are because we won't leave him now so that we can enjoy every day with him. He's doing ok, it's just that we can see his hips getting worse. I feel so bad for you because this has been such a long haul for you. I know you're happy to do it for her but it's hard on you still. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you all again, your words helped. I knew they would. That's why I came straight home to post my experience.
-Donna

Hey boys. I love you so much. Kisses to both of you.

[tanbuck]

Hey good babies. I love you and miss you both so much. Things are really hard for me right now and I just with I had you guys here to talk to about it. Niles, the little girl you sent is still not adjusting to us. She's doing ok and she'll get there or maybe this is all she will ever give and that is ok with me. She's a strange combination of you two turkeys and yet she's uniquely her own self. Buck is not excited about the hot weather. I just wish I could be his hips for him. He's such a good boy - just like you two. Daddy and I were talking about y'all this morning - about what good boys you always were. You were never ever a moment's trouble. You never did anything wrong! I just love you with all my heart.
Love, Mommy

Attached image(s)

 

[karen - casey]

Hi Donna,

I am sorry you are having a bad day. I know what those are like. I have been trying to get my Athena to sit on my lap, that is a "no go". She just like attention on her terms, which is no lap sitting. She was found when she was six months and was semi feral. I met her at the shelter I volunteer for, she used to hiss at me all the time. She was adopted 3 times and returned, so I adopted her. She has come a long way in the 10 years that we have been together, I sure your little girl will come along too (don't worry it did not take 10 years). What is her name? I know Athena is missing Shelby they used to lay together, just like the beautiful picture you have posted of your boys. It is nice to remember the special things about our wonderful babies.

Just wanted to know I was thinking about you. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Take care of yourself.
Karen

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Mommy
I dont want you to be sad I am ok and having fun doing my new job in heaven? I know how proud you are of me. I am sending you lots of love sealed with my little paw print.



Love Your Angel Niles
xoxo

[smokey/lady/max]

Donna
That is a wonderful picture of Niles and Frasier they truely were beautiful. They both looked
like true angels. Hope you have a better day.

Anna and my Angels
xoxoxo

[tanbuck]

Thanks Anna for the picture. That's really cute. Thank you for commenting on their picture, too. They were and still are angels. And devils at the same time.
Thank you to everyone for supporting me. Losing them and facing losing Buck is some of the biggest stuff I've ever dealt with. And it's all come at a very volatile time in my family so there's just stress upon stress.
Thanks again.
-Donna

[sad]

Donna
I hope you are doing better today. I know what you mean about stress. I have tons of it myself and I just wish something good would happen for a change. Your kitties were so beautiful-I have not figured out how to do the picture thing here yet. I can see why you want to kiss their belly. They just look so content in that picture. I wish I could say something more encouraging-right now I am having a very rough time as well so I know how you feel. I hope your new kitty settles in more soon.

[tanbuck]

sad, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time too. Yes the stress of so many things on me at once is about to break me. When it rains, it pours.
I hope you'll have a better day tomorrow.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

My boy Niles.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, what a beautiful boy Niles is. I hope today has been a decent day for you. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Dear Niles, Mommy's special friend. Kisses to you on your forehead where I linger and breathe in your scent. I ask you if you can feel it. Can you feel the love pouring to you as I hold my face against yours? I miss you so much, little worm. I didn't want you to have to cry. I didn't want you to see it coming. Frasier and Buck didn't have to. I didn't want you to. I wanted there to be no distress. That night I watched you trying to sleep. I watched your sides breathe in and out. I kept watching for the last breath. I kept willing for the last breath. I prayed for the last breath. I didn't want it but I knew it was coming and I wanted it to be when you were sleeping. My little man, it didn't happen that way, did it?
It's been almost 6 months and I'm just beginning to let the memories of that night come forward. I've been trying to hold it off all this time. And all I keep telling myself is that I didn't want you to have to cry. Forgive me, I did the best I could. I wanted you to pass here at home. It just didn't work out the way I prayed. I don't understand why God allowed you to suffer because of my decisions. Daddy keeps reminding me that you died here surrounded by our love. You died in his arms. He wrapped himself around you and you slipped away. It should've been me. It should've been me wrapped around you. When push came to shove, I fell to the floor and prayed like a lunatic. I kep wringing my hands over and over begging God to just take you. In my mind I lifted you up to Heaven and held you there for eternity until He took you. But in reality, I laid on the floor rocking back and forth. I couldn't hold you. It should've been me holding you. You were my precious angel. My precious angel.
I didn't want you to have to cry. I can still hear your cries. I'm so sorry. My precious angel. Please forgive me.
-Mommy

[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Donna
I am so sorry that you are feeling all the pain that you are feeling. I know we try
so hard to forget that awful day, night. But somehow it comes rushing back with
no warning. Your Niles had the most forgiving eyes and I know he has forgave you
he knew how much you loved him. I know we dont understand why and how some
of our angels leave us but hopefully we will know gods plan one day. Sending you
a big hug.

Anna and my Angels
xo

[Cheryl83]

Oh, Donna. I cried while reading your post. My heart goes out to you, it really does. We know, while here on this Earth that animals live in the moment. They don't hold grudges. It must be that way in heaven too, right? Niles knew how much you loved him (and he knows how much you still love him). He knows you would never intentionally do anything to make him suffer. You did what you thought was best for him. You weren't to know how it would end, Donna, there was really no way of you knowing. Niles has no need to forgive you -- there is nothing to forgive you for. It wasn't your fault, it really wasn't. I wish I could take all your guilt and pain away. I'm so glad that you managed to write that letter to Niles and that you're starting to process everything. As painful as it is, I think it's the only way to move forward.

I'm so sorry, and I really hope you manage to find some peace soon.

Sending you big hugs -- cheryl xx