Dear friends, my baby left this morning at about 5:45. He didn't make it until the vet got here. It wasn't as peaceful as I had prayed but he's resting now. I'm in that numb place at this moment. I'll write more later. Thank you all for your prayers last night.
-Donna

Dear Donna
I'm so sorry, your darling Niles is with all our Angels, suffering no more.
Thinking of you and sending prayers, love and hugs.

Jan and Pixie and my Angels xx

oh Donna....I am so sorry. Hugs

Bless you, Donna. It's a week ago today that my own darling boy left me and I know that numbness you speak of very well. Grief has its own anesthetic, and then feeling comes flooding back. We'll be here for you in the days to come. Hang in there.

Barbara

I am so sorry Donna...I just can't imagine having to endure this all over again, please find the strength somewhere!!!!!! I think you & Niles made the right decision by being together through his last night, although traumatic I am sure at least he was at home where he was comfortable with you.

I cannot believe this but I am just this second putting your kitty's names together, Frasier & Niles....

Numb once again I am sure...take care of yourself!!!

Donna I am so sorry (((hugs)))

So sorry to hear about Niles.

I can relate to the not so peaceful passing. I beat myself up about that for a very long time and it has helped me to try and "let go" before another pet passes in that way.

I still second guessed myself for a long time with the next loss about "could I have waited" so I guess no matter the loss and how it happens we wonder if we did it right. I often wonder if it because they cannot verbally tell us their wishes and how much pain they are really in. I suppose it is like all decisions we make in life that we do the best we can and just show them the love they deserve.

You are in my thoughts. Ginger

Donna,

I am so sorry to hear about Niles. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet. My prayers are with you.

Rhapsedy

Donna I'm so sorry to read about Niles, thinking of you, Irene

Oh Donna, I am so, so sorry! What a blow--a double blow. That just seems totally unfair.

I too am glad that he was home with you, even if it wasn't the most graceful of passings. Sadly, most of them aren't.

Right after Poppers died in December, I had to face the fact that Ladywolf had tumors that were growing fast. I couldn't bear to go in to see the vet til after Christmas, but she confirmed what I feared: terminal cancer. Lady is still going pretty strong, but I'm going to be facing the double-whammy eventually too, and it's really hard. I couldn't even really grieve that much for Poppers because I was so worried about Ladywolf...

Again, I am so sorry. Be gentle on yourself in these days to come.

Big Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

Thank you to everyone for your words. They are just what I need right now. The depth of my grief right now is frightening. I've been somewhat calm all day but the waves that come are so powerful that I get scared. Everywhere I look in the house is somewhere one of those boys had taken over. They laid claim to the entire house! I feel like I'm drowning every time I think about all the routines and regularities that I've had for the last 15 years that are now gone. The noise that filled my head while Frasier was sick and then while Niles was sick has subsided but it's been replaced by the deafening sound of silence in the house. I feel depleted. Those two cats were MY babies. They were a part of everything I did. I didn't sleep without one of them there, I didn't eat without one of them there, I didn't take a shower without one of them on the counter, I didn't leave the house without locating them both, I didn't come home without locating them both, I just didn't do anything without them somehow being physically involved or involved in my mind. Someone on another post said that the pain we feel is in proportion to the joy they gave us. How true!
When Frasier died, it was such an adjustment but I still had a cat in the house. So there were still food bowls and a litter box and little blankets and toys and treats and cat hair. Now there is none. 15 years just gone. 15 years gone like that. And the memories are only a source of pain right now. They'll comfort later but right now they make me wretch. I wish I could turn them off until I can handle them. Thank you again for all your words. Ginger, you're right. No matter how it happens, there are always second thoughts. And Margi, I worry about you and Ladywolf. I wish I could take away the inevitable for you. I don't want anyone to feel what I am today.
Dear sweet Niles, I love you and I know in my heart that you knew that. I miss you little king.
-Donna

Ah, the waves. I know them well. They've been crashing against the shores of my own heart and mind for a week now since losing Charlie, and I've dealt with them many times before with the loss of other pets. There are no words that can heal such pain. Only time can help and even then it's only a partial remedy. But sometimes a broken heart expands as it heals and makes way for something or someone new. We're all here for you, Donna. I know from my own experience that it really does help to express what you're feeling, especially among those who understand. We do understand, every one of us, and send you our prayers as you adjust to the loss of your beloved Niles.

Barbara

Dear Donna, I am so sorry about Niles. I do so o o understand what you're going through, as you know. I do hope and pray that you will feel comforting arms reaching out to you, holding you through the moments of deep sorrow. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Niles, I know you knew how much I loved you. I felt that connection between us. But today, sweetheart, I can't help but hear your pitiful meows as you tried to speak to me on our last day and night together. You were so weak and exhausted. I tried to spare you from that but it just didn't work out. I feel I didn't make the right decision. Even though you were in your daddy's arms when you took your last breath, I feel you struggled more than you needed to. The moans and gasping are haunting me. It felt like an eternity but daddy says it was only for a few seconds. As I laid there with you through the night, I kept checking on your breathing. I was praying every minute that God would let you go in your sleep. Each time I'd see you breathe, I was disappointed and feared for you. The hours were long. My body was tense and I was nauseated. Our last day together was so hard. As you moved around the room to get comfortable, I felt you were trying to escape your discomfort. I didn't want a stranger to help you go. I didn't want your last hour to be riding to the vet which you hated so much. But you just couldn't hold on until our vet got here. I knew you wouldn't make it. Now I think that all those things were for me. You didn't care who helped you go. You probably wouldn't have been aware of the car ride. Those things were for me and daddy. The only comfort I have is that I suffered with you. I was dying with you. You weren't feeling all those things alone. I wasn't off somewhere doing something else, baby. I was right there with you. I gasped with you. I moaned with you. I felt my insides dying too.
I can't even miss you today because I'm caught up in those last meows. Each time you cried to me on Thursday, your meows were weaker and more pitiful. There's a little bird outside near your grave who keeps singing but his singing sounds like your cries. I just want him to shut up and go away. I want those sounds erased from my mind. How will I ever get better if that's all I can hear? I'm so sorry, Niles. Mommy's special friend. My little king. My little king.
Please take care of Frasier. He needs you. He's been waiting on you. Now that you're with him, I think I can finally let him go. I miss my boys so much. My heart is outside my chest!
Love, Mommy

Donna,

I can so relate to your feelings.... exactly how I felt when I hung on too long for my cat. I thought she was doing OK.... couldn't seem to take her in when she seemed to hold her own. For a long time I wished she had not waited for me to get home one night from work. She was under my bed struggling for breath & too weak to come out but tried so hard to drag herself out when she saw me peeking under the bed.

I lost her on the way to her vet & she died 1 block away. Like you, it seemed those cries, screams & struggling lasted FOREVER! So I do understand your feeling like you failed Niles..... I wish I could tell you your feelings will end soon but everyone takes the time necessary. I took a very long time because I felt so guilty.

Easy to say not to beat yourself up but I sure did. All I can say is TRY not to do that. Know you did the best you could, loved him very much. Gave him a good life & did all medically that you were able to. Maybe Niles & Baby went the way they were destined to go and we just feel it was our fault. I only know I vowed not to let it happen that way ever again for any of my furkids & though it was extremely difficult to do I took Flossie in when I am sure we could have struggled on longer.

So maybe that was my lesson and her not so pretty passing prevented others from the struggle that she had. She and Flossie both were not dealt a good hand in life but they survived to 15 & 17 because of the extra I was able to do for them while they were here and lived much longer than if I had not been in the right place at the right time. Both taught me lots about life & love so there is another lesson learned for me. Painfull as both losses were maybe it was the way it was supposed to be.

I know you'll grieve and struggle with your experience with Niles' passing but you were such a good Mom and you will pull out of this in whatever your own time is meant to be. I truly feel your pain during this time.....

************HUGS************

Hi, Donna, please know you are not grieiving alone, for each of us here shares your broken heart. Niles knows you love him with all your heart, and he knows you would give your life for him to protect him, to keep him healthy and happy, and to ensure that he was comforted in his journey to heaven's perfect garden. And he was comforted - - he was with the people who loved him the most in his life. I do understand how haunting his cries must be to you, as Abbygayle had begun crying, too. We are never "ready" to let go of our beloved furkids - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, - - one more lifetime. Donna, you did the very best you could with the circumstances as they were presented to you. Unfortunately we don't have the privilege of foreknowlege, only the reality of "hindsight" - - which is the source of all the "what if's" and "if only's" that plague us in times of deep grief. Now that Niles and Frazier are healed and united in eternal joy, they both need you to take this time to heal from the anguish and exhaustion that your mind, heart, body, and spirit have been under. They want you to remember them with a happy heart so that you can embrace their sweet Living Spirits that are forever with you in your heart and memories. It will take time to travel this grief journey in your own way, but please know this is a journey you do not travel alone. We are here for you every step of the way. Donna, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Ginger and Moonbeam, your words were exactly what I needed to hear. The "reality of hindsight" is a perfect description. You know, we put Frasier to sleep and I felt guilt over that even though I knew he had only hours left. I was home alone all day with Niles on Thursday so it was I who saw his sharp decline. My husband, however, was adamant that the vet come to our home and the soonest he could get here was Friday afternoon. I panicked on making a decision on my own and relied on my husband's decision. I felt in my heart it was wrong but even now he still believes it was the right thing to do. I don't blame him because in the end, I always blame myself. He truely felt what we did was best. Niles wasn't just my baby. He was ours so I wasn't going to go against my husband.
You know, I've told many other people on this forum when they are doubting their decision that no matter what, we feel guilty. We just don't want them to go. My sweet little king deserved to go peacefully in his sleep last Monday, really. But God didn't see fit for that even though I pleaded with Him. I know that in the end there is a lesson for me and hopefully I will learn it. But for now, it's just his cries in my head. Was he begging me to do something? We had such a special connection that he always knew when I was helping him. Did he wonder why I wasn't helping him? I know no one can answer those questions. I guess I'm just in that phase of beating myself up. I couldn't have loved them more if they'd been my human sons, I don't think. I can't say that to just anyone, but I know y'all understand that kind of thinking. I miss my babies just like y'all miss yours.
Thank you again for your words. I can't express how much they mean to me right now. Only people who've been through it can really comfort those going through it. And you have.
-Donna

Hi, Donna, I do so know what you mean when you say you couldn't have loved them more if they had been your human sons. I feel the same way about my furkids and have told each of them how honored I am to be their "adopted" mom. I know the questions about Niles' last hours will haunt you for awhile. Unfortunately it's part of the deep grief journey, the very painful deep grief journey. And I do so know what you mean about unanswered prayer for God's Divine intervention. I hope and pray, Donna, that each day will bring you closer to finding a peace and healing in your heart. And please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will feel the comforting hugs coming to you across the miles.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Donna, I am so sorry that you had to endure the horrors of watching Niles go "naturally"...I too had to witness this and will never forget the god awful howling cry/meow on that last breath and then her body went limp....you will never forget, for month's I swore that I had made the wrong decision but now, I ask myself what is right or what is wrong ? it's so subjective! I would probably make the same selfish decision again if needed. I can tell you from only have 1 kitty for nearly 19 years how difficult it was to come home to an empty house...It was at least a month before I picked up the water & food bowl and longer for the litter box. This can only make you stronger somehow...wish I could fast-forward 2010 for you.....

Tears coming again thinking about you, Niles, Frasier, Nutmeg and all the other precious animals that have left us.

Hi, Donna, just checking in with you to see how you're doing, and just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

MyNutmeg, thank you so much for thinking of me. I know that you truely know the heartache I went through. Your story about Nutmeg touched me the first time I read it.
Moonbeam, thank you for checking in on me. I am doing o.k. but that actually concerns me a little. I can't really explain to people other than the people on this forum, but I believe that I'm running my mind so much to avoid the excruciating pain I know my heart needs to experience. I've kept really really busy and I avoid being alone as much as possible. I do believe, though, that in losing Niles, I've been able to let go of Frasier a little bit. I really needed to do that and I suspected that I would be able to when Niles died. Somehow I'm finding a little comfort in knowing they're together again. Frasier needed Niles so much in life. I think remembering what I physically went through when Frasier died, I've made myself do everything I can to avoid getting that way with Niles. I'm so scared of that pain that seizes my heart and makes me weep on the floor. I just can't let myself do that again but I know I probably need to in order to properly grieve for Niles and to let him go as well. So for now, I run and run and run.
Thank you again for checking in on me, I appreciate it so much and I hope you and MyNutmeg are doing well. You've been such good friends to me even though we don't know each other! I hope you have a good day today.
-Donna

Donna, I've found myself doing the same thing. Like you, I feel better than I thought I would and that worries me too. I was closer to Charlie than I've ever been to any pet (most humans too!) but whether it's because I still have Belle here to comfort me or because I know in my heart that Charlie is at peace, I couldn't really say. I've already started thinking about getting another dog so Belle can have a 'buddy' (she had Charlie in her life literally from the day she was born) but I think it's still too soon for that, probably for both of us.

Mind you, I still have moments when I feel very sad. Nights are the worst, but during the day I do pretty well. I brought Charlie's ashes home on Tuesday. I thought it would kill me to see my darling boy reduced to ashes, but it didn't, really. I put them in a little wooden urn with his name and the dates of birth and death engraved on the front, and set up a little shrine for him on a table near his favorite window. It was actually rather comforting. In a very real sense, I feel that Charlie is home and he'll never have to leave again. That probably sounds maudlin, but hey, whatever works, right?

Barbara

Thank you Barbara for letting me know I'm not the only one with these worries. I know you've written before about the nights being so hard for you. I really felt that way with Frasier because he was my nighttime snuggle-bug. Niles often slept in other places during the night so I'm not having to get used to him not being there in the bed with me. I'm thankful for that because I know how bad those nights can be. You wake up at 3:00 & your heart sinks. You remember all over again and then realize it's not time to get up so you have to work hard to get sleep to come back. Sometimes sleep is the only escape! Thank you again for your support.

Dear Niles, Mommy's baby. I miss your sweet smell so much. I've washed everything in the house but the bedspread you laid on in your last weeks. I went to the guest bedroom first thing this morning to smell the bedspread. It's one week today. I can't believe you died! You died! It just can't be true! We had a pact. You weren't going to leave me. Are you sending that song that's been running through my head lately? Do you know I'm trying to decide if I want more kitties? Are you trying to tell me to move on? Do you know about the 3 little girls we've looked at? They all so desperately need the kind of home you boys had. But I just want my boys. I don't want to learn to know anyone else. I don't want different personalities. I just want you and Frasier. Sweet Frasier. Hello baby. In my mind I'm holding the two of you together the way I used to and burying my head in your fur. You both hated that! You little turkeys! I love you boys so much. Too much! I was too close to you. I don't know if I want to do that again. Maybe it's not good for me. I miss the communication you and I had. Niles, your eyes said so much to me. Frasier, your antics hugged my heart. Looking at the two of you before I'd leave work in the morning gave me the best feeling to take with me for the day. Coming home to the two of you screaming for food gave me an internal hug. My little hungry hippos! I got so much joy from your healthy years. I had so much heartache and worry and constant strain from your unhealthy time. Sometimes I just wanted you to take me with you. I just couldn't breathe, it seemed. I'm trying to learn to breathe and I'm afraid if I bring another life in the house, my breath will begin to go away again. Daddy really wants to get these girls. I think he's afraid of a totally empty house when Buck joins y'all. Buck is doing ok but I see concern on Daddy's face. Each month seems to be the tiniest bit of decline. We're holding on to him desperately. We don't want to close the chapter on the part of our life that was y'all. It's hard to remember anything about life before y'all. And it's equally hard to imagine a life without y'all. Rest easy today, babies. Mommy loves you both so much. I couldn't have loved you better. I'm singing your stupid little songs to you that I used to sing....
Niles, Niles, we love Niles. He's so handsome! Look how handsome he is!
Frasier! Frasjo! Beans, Beans, Potatoes and Beans, Beans and Potatoes, and Bean Bean! Beanpole Benapolis!
Kisses to you both!
-Mommy

Hi, Donna, your sweet letter to Frasier and Niles echos my heart about Eli, Oslo, and Abbygayle. I so believe that loving our furkids keeps us tuned into what really matters. And I share your questions about adopting again, and particularly right now while your grief is still so deep. It's really okay to open your heart and home again. Who knows - - perhaps Frasier and Niles are sending them to you because they know these special little lives need you and your husband - - no one else will do.

When my Samson (he was a mixed Lab / Border Collie) joined the angels in March 1998, he was the "last" of my fur tribe at that time. I was totally alone for the first time in close to 16 years. Samson saw me through a very difficult recovery from serious injuries from an automobile collision in August 1985. I was taking my mom to her dental appointment when another driver on the other side of the road lost control of his car and crossed over into our lane of traffic hitting us head on. My mom died of her injuries 6 weeks later, and my life was changed forever physically and emotionally. Samson became my "therapy" dog. He was my incentive for my recovery through the years, and when I lost him it was like I was losing my mom all over again, too. I firmly believe that when my Samson crossed into the Pearly Gates and stood before our Father God Creator he told Him that He had to do something - - that He couldn't leave me all alone. And gently, tenderly together they weaved the events that brought Oslo into my life, and Oslo and I weaved a new life journey tapistry together.

But it's up to your heart to decide if now is the right time for you and your husband to embrace new hearts and lives that will be yours to have and to hold forever. Whatever you decide, Donna, Frasier and Niles will always be your precious boys. No one can ever change that.

Donna, please know you and Buck and your husband are close in my thoughts and prayers. I pray with all my heart that Buck will be happily with you for many more times ahead. And thank you so much for sharing your letter to your babies with us. I will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thinking of you Donna,

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Sonya, thank you for your hugs. They mean so much!

Dear Niles, it's been 2 weeks today. It seems like longer. Today I've missed you even more. I dreamed of you night before last. It was weird. I held you against me and tried to get you warm. The feeling that came over me was so sweet. I miss you, little man. I miss you so much. I miss you and Frasier. Thank you for the song that came to me the day before you died. I don't know if it was from you, me, or God, but I thank you anyway. I understand what you were saying. It has helped me accept your leaving.
You know that Daphne is here, don't you? Again, I don't know if you sent her or God. I know she needed this home. But I feel nothing for her but sympathy for her situation. I feel nothing at all. Neither does Daddy. I don't think I could bear to upset her by taking her back. She needs to be settled and loved. Settling I can give her but I don't know about the love. I just miss my boys. Why did she have to come so soon?
I just want to bury my head in your fur. I just want you and Frasier on the sofa together like you would always be on a Friday night.
Rest easy tonight, boys. Mommy loves you so very much.

Hi, Donna, just getting caught up on your post. Your letter to Niles is so beautiful. So, you have a little girl now? Perhaps you can tell her about her brothers, and show her pictures of them. Perhaps this will help form a "connection" with her. I would like to know about your precious Daphne, if you'd like to share about her. I'm sure Niles and Frasier are glad that she has a safe place to live. Love takes many different forms at different times, Donna. You and Dahpne will form a special bond in your own way in your own time.

I do so know what you mean about wanting to bury your head in your boys' fur and just hold them close to you. It is physically painful not to be able to do that now with Abbygayle. Thank you again for your thoughtful post to me today to let me know you are thinking of Noah and me, and please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Donna, just want to let you know I am thinking of you and how sorry I am that you have lost your darling Niles. I know the sadness and pain you are feeling right now and for that you have my deepest sympathy. Hang in there Donna, hugs and love to you xx

madi xx

Dear boys, I'm having a hard time these last few days. Niles, I think all the avoiding I've been doing is starting to creep away. No matter how much I try to avoid realizing you're really gone, the more it fights me back. My mind is starting to tell my body that I will go through this grief process whether I willingly let myself or not. I'm tired, boys. I'm very tired.
Today, it's washing over me that you're both dead. DEAD. It seems so surreal. When I look at your pictures, it's hitting me that you are memories now. I can't stand that. I'm thinking that the pictures I have of you at work may be hindering my grief process. For so long I've looked at your pictures when I was at work and would find joy thinking of you being at home. And how I couldn't wait to get home to see you. Those same pictures now fool me into thinking you are still home...waiting to see me. But you're not. You're not. You're not because you're dead. I can't stay in this fantasy world. I have to face it. I've been thinking about taking your pictures down for a little while to see if it helps me. But I'd rather cut off my arm than do that.
Frasier, sweet bean. Niles, my little king. I know I can't have you back physically but I just wish I could close my eyes and open up all the memories that I've forgotten. I just want to play everything back and remember all the times I've forgotten. Playing in our old house, moving here, you guys chasing each other around.....all the things you did when you were younger. I've forgotten so much! It hurts to know that I've forgotten so much. I want to open my mind to have all those memories. I know they're still in my head but I can't remember them.
Niles, please explain Daphne to Frasier. Know that I don't love her, ok? She and I are in the same boat. She doesn't have who she wants and I don't have who I want. She misses whoever loved her so much. She knows she can't climb that wall around my heart just yet. And I know I can't get through her wall. It's obvious that she's here with me because she feels the same way I do. We have to eventually find a way to heal each other's hearts. But not yet. And that's ok.
I love you boys. I'm so tired. My heart is so weary. I miss you beyond words. I just want my old life back. Sweet dreams, baby boys. Sweet, sweet dreams.
-Mommy

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Hi, Donna, oh how much I wish I could reach out to you and hold your hand. Your letter to Niles and Frasier sounds so much like my heart. I know I said that before about one of your letters to them, and this one rings so true to my heart as well. Denial does prelong the agony of the grief journey, but it also is the mind's way of coping with a tragic event, like the loss of a beloved companion. I know I must sound like a broken record but sometimes that's what we need when we're in deep grief: A reminder and reminder and reminder: Please know, Donna, that you are not alone in your grief journey, even though it is normal to feel so isolated and alone - - knowing "intellectually" that there are others who know what you're going through while feeling in your heart that no one can possibly feel, know, and understand the deepest pain that is piercing your heart.

Donna, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am here for you - - along with all the other wonderful folks on this forum.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Donna your picture is absolutley beautiful. Just seeming them hurts my heart for you. Its like we want to keep looking at ther pictures no matter how much pain it brings to our heart. And yes we try to live in a fantasy just to find ways to cope. I do the exact same thing. Please know that we are all here for you and each other. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs
Anna

Dear Donna

What a beautiful photo. They are adorable and I know your heart is so broken. You are the reason I joined this forum late last year, when my Noushka went to the Rainbow Bridge. I read your story and knew that we were going through the same, desperate grieving. I could so relate to everything that you wrote.
So I really do have you to thank for bringing me together with you, and all the wonderful people and their darling Angels and fur babies, on this forum.
I am so sorry that your sadness is so unbearable. You have been through so much these last few months. Your darling Frasier and Niles will want their Mom to be 'ok'. Your letter to them is beautiful. I say the same things in my head to my Noushka and Tasha every day. If only we could freeze time back to when they were with us and healthy. Sadly we all have to move on but take with us all that they brought to us, and taught us, to help us live our lives to the full, as they would want us to. They've just moved on a little sooner than us, but their spirits are always with us, guiding us along our journey, until it's time for us to meet again.
Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending a big HUG.

Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie (Who has found her way into my heart , which I now know has the ability to love again)xx

Anna and Jan, thank you sooo much for your kind words. I know you both really know the feelings that I have. Jan, I also joined because of someone's story. When I was reading her letters to her pet, I just kept saying, "Oh my gosh, this is just as I would've written!" I've never read something that touched me like her love for her dog. Joining forums isn't something I'm used to doing and I was afraid at first. But I'm sure glad I did!
I'm glad that you joined too so that it could help you. I can't imagine what the "outside" world would think of my thoughts because even I think I'm crazy sometimes. But I know this is a safe place to put all that crazy stuff out there. When I come here, it's all about Niles and Frasier and I like that. It makes me feel good for them.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this very foreign experience. I hate that we have it in common but I'm glad for the shoulders to cry on.
-Donna

Dear Niles, it's been 4 weeks today. I was just thinking about when you moved from the guest bedroom to the bathroom. You were dying. Did you know you were dying? We tried so hard to make you comfortable. Sometimes I think I'm still fighting for your recovery. I have had dreams where you walk into the room and I realize that you're fine.
Niles, you and I always communicated on some other level. Never was that more real than in your last hours. I wish I knew what you were trying to say to me though. I think I know but what if I was wrong? I love you, dear one. I remember after Frasier died I was overcome with feelings of not being done being his mommy. The same is true for you. But I would never be done. I will never be done. I feel like a little girl standing at the gate after the race has already started and I'm saying, "Wait, I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" It's already over with and I'm still just getting ready to lose the two of you. How can you both be gone? Wasn't it yesterday we were all fine? And now you're BOTH gone. I don't want to close that chapter. I'm not ready. Where does this all come from out of the blue? People who barely know me think I'm normal and nothing is wrong. People who know me well thinking I'm doing o.k. with this. Then here comes a wave and the lack of acceptance. Why am I still in denial? I should be moving forward. I feel like I get a few steps in the right direction and then turn and run the other way. No, it's more like I get a few steps in the right direction and I hit a wall. Some reminder that I'm hurting. Some reminder of my loss. I know there is great suffering in this world and there is so much to tend to. But my little comfort spot in this crazy world is gone. My little pillows. My baby boys.
Well, little Daphne is asking for attention. I guess it's a sign. Especially since she doesn't ask for attention much because her own heart hurts. She has suffered the same loss I have. Thank you, Niles. I hear you.
As the song says, my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed little men, sweet dreams little men.
Kisses to you and baby Frasier. Mommy's babies.
-Mommy

Dear Donna, you will always be your furkids' mommy - - nothing can ever take that away from you. And this will be a cherished fact once you get beyond this particular phase of this dreadful grief. Yeah, I know about "appearing" like "everything is okay" - - the "public face" - - while deep down inside you're falling apart - - sometimes all at once and sometimes feeling like it's piece by piece drifting down to a dark bottomless abyss.

I'm functioning on what I call "automatic pilot" - - I do things that need to get done - - I go to work, I pay the bills, I talk to people, I make "logical" decisions - - but - - the only thing that makes any sense to me is my precious Noah. He is my only reason for trying - - my only reason for waking up in the morning and making the day count for anything. Otherwise I just feel like an emotional wasteland. Working on my baby girl Abbygayle's memorial is a "temporary fix" to the grief because it helps me to stay focused on her life - - but it is also a reminder that this is the very last thing I can do for her - - just her. Spring is here in full bloom in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, but it's still winter - - a very cold, bone chilling numbness, and barren winter - - in my heart.

It isn't denial that you are suffering with, Donna, but shock - - the shock of loss, and I know that is what I am going through, too. Sometimes I experience the physical effects of this shock too - - literally the shaking, tremoring of the body because the moment of feeling the grief is so overwhelming. I just never imagined in my worst nightmares that within a 39 month time frame my little Noah would be an "only child." It isn't fair - - to him or to me. I feel so guilty sometimes about having adopted him - - to bring him into a household destined to be shrouded by the emotion of death and grief. But then if I had known that almost 7 years ago I would have denied myself the gift of his sweet precious presence through the "good" times, and now the precious gift of his comforting presence - - as well as the blessed privilege to give him a loving and safe home.

I wish there was an easier way through this grief journey, Donna, for you, for me, and all our forum friends. But as I tell myself, I share with you also - - it's a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey - - and just "hang in here" - - and hold fast onto the support and encouragement of those who truly do understand what we are going through. I know someday I'll be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine once again in my heart and embrace it - - and you will, too, Donna. It's what our furkids want for us, and so therefore we must try to do it for them - - to honor them and what they brought to our lives during their journey with us on this side of eternity. Right now, though, it is easier said than done.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Moonbeam. Thank you.
-Donna

Niles, baby. Tomorrow is 5 weeks. Today I've had trouble dealing with your last moments. In fact, "dealing" isn't the right word. I've been avoiding really thinking about that morning. I'm so afraid if I go there, it might swallow me. I would have done anything for you and Frasier and Buck. But in the end, I couldn't do your dying for you. I would have if I could have. Your last moments were all your own and I couldn't help you. And that breaks my heart. The noises you made will haunt me forever. My little boy. My little boy.
I work so hard to not go there. I'd rather think of our struggle as if I was lifting you up to God and straining to hold you there until He took you. Being with you in those last hours was my last struggle for you. I knew you couldn't come back to me and I knew you wouldn't make it until we could have your suffering stopped. I knew you would go on your own that night and lying on the floor with you through the night was the last thing I could do for you. But, again, the noises you made. What was that? What did it mean? Were you aware or was it your body just making sound? Were you hurting? I can't bare to think you were hurting. My sweet, innocent, little boy. I loved every minute of our 15 years together. You were perfection.
I miss you and brother Frasier more than I can ever tell. Every day I miss you so much. Oh, Frasier, I'd give anything to play with you again. You fat boys!
Sweet dreams, little men.
-Mommy

Dear Donna, just want you to know that I am here with you, and sharing your journey right beside you. I do hope and pray that someday the memory of how your precious Niles passed will become less painful for you so that you can focus on the precious good memories you have of him and Frasier. You did the very best you could for your boys, Donna, everything that was in your power at any given time. Unfortunately we do not have the "power" to predict the "how" and "time" of a loved one's passing, but you were there to comfort your precious Niles during his journey from this side of eternity, and he passed onto the angels knowing the love in your heart and feeling the love in your touch. I know through your posts that Niles' last minutes were very traumatic. If it's any comfort to you, clinical studies prove that the brain "records" traumatic events which are then re-run in the memory - - sort of like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of a record - - if you are familiar with that. The more the traumatic event is, the more the re-run continues. This is diagnosed as PTSD - - and the traumatic loss of a beloved companion certainly qualifies.

I am very familiar with PTSD, for different traumatic reasons. The professional counselor who helped me through the crisis helped me to re-focus my thoughts when I was experiencing an episode. At the crisis point where I was at the time I had to really force myself to concentrate on what he was telling me and force myself to train my mind to do it, but eventually it did help my brain to break the *** of the "stuck needle". Did that take away the memory of the tragedy - - no, but it did help me to be able to progress more positively in my recovery to the point where I was able to re-build my life beyond the tragic event that changed my life forever.

A grief journey that is accompanied by a traumatic experience is very hard to cope with. I hope in sharing this with you will help you, and if it does, then my experience will not have been iin vain.

Donna, I pray with all my heart that you will know that your boys know you love them with all your heart and would have moved heaven and earth to provide for them and protect them during their physical journey with you on this side of eternity. And I deliberatley use the present tense "know" because they are still very much a part of you and your life even though your relationship with them has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension.

Donna, I wish there was something I could say that could ease the pain of your loss. But when words fail, please know you are always close in my thoughts and prayers, and that I so very much want to know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Donna,

You have been so helpful with my journey with Shelby. I understand exactly what you feel about Niles last moments, as I had the same experiance with my Casey. He was suffering from lung cancer. We found out two weeks before we had to say goodbye. I came home from work one day and gave him his pill and then went into the bedroom. I heard a awful noise and went running into the living room. There was Casey struggling for a breath of air. I called the vet right away and made the appointment for the next morning. He did relax a little and spent most of the night by my husband's side (my husband wasn't even a cat person until he met me and my Casey). Casey and him became very close. In fact Casey would sit on his lap instead of mine. I used to tell my husband he stole my cat. The next morning he had another episode - this time my husband was with me. We frantically called the vets office and rushed him in. He was so afraid he releaved himself on me and actually turned and bit my neck. It was a horrible experience. We got to the vets office and he seemed to relax again. My husband could not stay with him, but I held him close and told him how much I loved him. It has been a year and a half and although it has gotten easier, but I can feel the tears filling my eyes as I write this. I understand how it plays in your mind over and over again. I felt guilty that we did not catch the cancer sooner. I take comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering. When I start to think about it again (as I still due) I tell myself to stop and think about the happy moments we shared. He will always be in my heart. I know I will see him again and that makes me very happy.

Take care,
Karen

Hi Donna,
just dropping in to see how you are doing ?? It has been too long since I have been on here, I look at the "bookmarked" page everyday to left on my favs but I just have not clicked on here for some reason. I am guessing by the timeline you are at a pretty low point right now, I pray for time to swiftly move forward so that you can get through your days and nights easier. Now, I must go write to my child once again:)

Thinking of you, Frasier, Niles & Nutmeg

Hey boys. I'm looking at your pictures right now. I miss your sweet, quiet presence so much. I miss you knowing me and knowing our house. I miss familiarity. Niles, the little girl kitty you sent me doesn't understand us yet. I just want to ask her why she can't be like y'all! I know it's not fair. She's sweet but she's not my boys. Frasier, I'd kiss that belly if you were here. Niles, I'd kiss your head if you were here. Where are you guys? Frasier, you quit "visiting" as soon as Niles came to you. I like to think that is because you are now content to have him with you. But I miss those strange occurrences. Niles, you've never "visited" that I know of. Why is that?
Buck is on the floor next to me. He's getting more frail all the time. I think he seems to be a little unhappy but you know Daddy denies it. But then again, Daddy denied that you two were as sick as you were for a long time. I wish I could restore Buck's hips and nerves. Daddy is going to have a hard time when Buck comes to y'all. The little girl kitty doesn't understand why Buck doesn't chase her around. She seems very young. She misses her "real" home. I think she's beginning to understand that she isn't leaving here. I think it makes her sad. She's just confused. Daddy had a job interview today. Things could really change around here soon. It's a change that needs to happen but there's just been too much change lately.
My precious boys. I wish I would dream about you - but only if it's good dreams.
-Mommy

Hi, Donna, there is a saying that goes the only constants in life are taxes and change. Clinical studies show that change is very stressful, even the "positive" changes we encounter in our lives. And the stress of negative changes - - like the loss of loved ones (whatever the life form) is even worse. I know it must seem that I share a lot about clinical studies but I hope that in doing so it helps you and others who are going through their grief journey to know that they really are not "going crazy" - - that really what they are feeling and thinking is very NORMAL. And knowing that you're really not "going crazy" can be quite comforting, can't it?

I'm sorry that Buck is declining. Does it seem to be "speeding up"? I hope not. I hope that you will have Buck with you for many more days that will grow into months. It doesn't seem fair to have had to lose your precious Frasier and Niles only to have to "prepare" yourself to lose Buck, too.

I know that you and Daphne are struggling right now, but to borrow the title from a Hallmark movie, sometimes "Love Comes Softly", and hopefully one day you and Daphne will come to be able to embrace each other that is special and unique in your own ways. No, it won't be like what you shared with Frasier and Niles, or Buck, - - it's not supposed to be. It's about giving yourselves time to mourn your losses while still taking care of each other every day through the grieving process - - and then hopefully eventually coming to understand that through this the both of you have been able to come to love one another. I hope with all my heart that this happens for you and little Daphne. My heart would sing for joy for you both.

Donna, thank you so much for your thoughtful comforting words. Thank you for sharing my journey with Oslo and Abbygayle with me. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and I will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear forum friends,
I just have to get this out. I just donated a huge shopping bag full of different foods that we bought to try to entice Niles to eat when he was sick. It was so heavy, I could hardly carry it into the place. I thought I was ok but as I clutched his little bed on the way in, I knew this was going to be more difficult than I thought. I sat the bag down and as the lady turned around to me, I burst into tears! I didn't know this would be so hard. Why didn't I know? I mean, come on, you've read my posts. I was supposed to run more errands but I had to come straight home as I was crying like a baby the whole way and still am.
That bag of foods symbolized so much effort, anguish, commitment, and love. We tried everything for him trying to make him happy. For awhile we thought he was just being stubborn about his food. Every day we'd offer him a new buffet of foods to choose from. I did so much research on what would/could be best and in the end, we were like, "Heck, just eat the meow mix, we don't care! Just eat something."
That little bed still had his fur on it! It wasn't his favorite (we buried him in his favorite) and we didn't buy it until after he was sick so I thought it would be easier to give away since it symbolized the end. But it was still a part of him, I guess. I love him so much!
I know it will go to good use and I know that the babies who will get the bed and the foods are in desperate need. But still. That was MY baby's stuff. I still have a blanket of his that I haven't washed but other than that, everything is gone. I even got rid of his bowls - which I did right away and later regretted. I just thought at the time that those bowls had been part of that frustrating struggle with food in the end. I knew I wasn't going to let another cat use them and I thought that they would hurt me see. I don't know.
I'm sorry to ramble. I am just overcome all of the sudden. I had a bad dream about Frasier last night that woke me up. Today probably wasn't the best day to donate Niles' stuff but it was yard sale day and I was in clean out mode. Grief is so bizarre. It toys with you.
I hope you all are having a better day than I am right now. I know you will understand my rambling. Thank you.
-Donna

Dear Donna--

I totally understand your feelings about giving away Nile's stuff. How painful for you. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea beforehand, but I'm not surprised that you broke down. We need to pace ourselves when it comes to thing like this, but we don't always know what the right pace is until we've done something and then fallen completely to pieces. I look at Ladywolf's futon, which is a full-sized one folded over on my bedroom floor, and wonder how long I will hold on to it after she has passed. It takes up a huge amount of space--but it is her bed, and Poppers slept there too, and I can't imagine just throwing it away (it's too grimy to recycle.)

I'm having a hard time right now too. I used to be able to leave Lady, who is dying of sarcoma, with one of two friends, but she can't manage the stairs at one place and the slippery floor at the other, so now she is confined to hanging around my house, and I will either have to leave her alone here when I'm working, or haul her around with me in the car, and it's starting to get hot in southern Arizona. This is a hard time--so many "liberties" and pleasures are disappearing for us.

Again, I am sorry you are having such a hard day. We seem to go along kind of okay for awhile, and then we get thrown badly when we aren't expecting it. Don't blame yourself at all--what you are feeling today is perfectly natural, painful as it is.

Big hugs from Margi and Ladywolf

Dear Donna,

I am really sorry you had such a bad day. I donated Shelby's medicines to the shelter that I had volunteer for, the day after Shelby left us. I just could not look at it and did not want them to go to waste. When I called them they asked me if I wanted to foster this summer, I told them I just don't think I am up to it. I have had some heartaches with my fosters too. I had this really nice cat last year. They thought she was pregnant, but it was FIP. It just broke my heart, she was only about a year old and as sweet as could be. It is not the same as losing one of your own, but is still heartbreaking.

I know how hard it was for you today. I will be having an okay day, and then all of the sudden it all comes back to me and my stomach just flips. I woke up early this morning and then just tossed and turned - just could not turn my mind off.

I hope your day gets better.

You are in my thoughts.
Karen

Dear Donna, oh, dear lady, what a horrible day this has been for you. As I was reading your post I felt tears well up in my eyes with the memories of what I did with my Samson's things. I took his food to the shelter, and thought I was okay doing it, but as I parked the car at the shelter and started to take the food to the door I started crying, and when the animal control officer opened the door I was in full gut wrenching sobbing. I managed to say the word "food" and he took the bag out of my hands, and I just turned and went back to my car and drove off - - sobbing all the way home.

I have a lot of of Oslo's things upstairs just patiently waiting to go to the shelter. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do that yet.

Yes, my friend, this grief journey can lull you into thinking that the worst is passed, and then - - whamo - - everything comes flooding back and sometimes it feels worse than what you were feeling earlier in the grief journey. I am so glad you wrote to us to share with us what happened. It is times like these when we wonder if there will be any peace again at all in our hearts from the grief of loss.

Even though it hurts really bad right now, I hope that you will know that Niles is proud of you for sharing his things with other little furkids who can benefit from them. It was very hard for me to take some of my babies' things into the vet - - Eli's, Oslo's, and Abbygayle's - - so that they could be used for "Good Samaritan" donations, but I'm glad that I did that.

Donna, I hope you will take time now to give yourself a chance to rest and recover from the day's events. And I hope as you sleep tonight that you will have more pleasant dreams. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Donna,

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I hope you had a good day.

Karen

Margi, Karen, and Moonbeam,
Thank you all so much for helping me out yesterday. It just felt like a ton of bricks on me all of the sudden! And shortly after I posted, I began to feel a little better. It helped to just get it out. Moonbeam, your story about Samson's things was alot like the way it happened yesterday. I chuckled when I read your story not because it was funny but because it was so similar. Petsmart is not usually where you see people blubbering! I just wanted to get out of there. I must've looked like an idiot because I couldn't even seem to control my facial muscles , but who cares!
Karen, I thought about donating Frasier's medicines but I held onto them in case I needed them for Niles. I didn't end up needing any of them but when Niles passed, I angrily threw those medicines away. I was mad at them because they failed me again, I guess. Margi, I am so very very sorry that you're not able to leave Lady anymore. I remember getting to that point and it's quite debilitating, I know. I fear we'll be in that situation with Buck before long. In a way, we already are because we won't leave him now so that we can enjoy every day with him. He's doing ok, it's just that we can see his hips getting worse. I feel so bad for you because this has been such a long haul for you. I know you're happy to do it for her but it's hard on you still. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you all again, your words helped. I knew they would. That's why I came straight home to post my experience.
-Donna

Hey boys. I love you so much. Kisses to both of you.

Hey good babies. I love you and miss you both so much. Things are really hard for me right now and I just with I had you guys here to talk to about it. Niles, the little girl you sent is still not adjusting to us. She's doing ok and she'll get there or maybe this is all she will ever give and that is ok with me. She's a strange combination of you two turkeys and yet she's uniquely her own self. Buck is not excited about the hot weather. I just wish I could be his hips for him. He's such a good boy - just like you two. Daddy and I were talking about y'all this morning - about what good boys you always were. You were never ever a moment's trouble. You never did anything wrong! I just love you with all my heart.
Love, Mommy

Hi Donna,

I am sorry you are having a bad day. I know what those are like. I have been trying to get my Athena to sit on my lap, that is a "no go". She just like attention on her terms, which is no lap sitting. She was found when she was six months and was semi feral. I met her at the shelter I volunteer for, she used to hiss at me all the time. She was adopted 3 times and returned, so I adopted her. She has come a long way in the 10 years that we have been together, I sure your little girl will come along too (don't worry it did not take 10 years). What is her name? I know Athena is missing Shelby they used to lay together, just like the beautiful picture you have posted of your boys. It is nice to remember the special things about our wonderful babies.

Just wanted to know I was thinking about you. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Take care of yourself.
Karen