Niles Is Gone, I've lost another baby Options

[tanbuck]

MyNutmeg, thank you so much for thinking of me. I know that you truely know the heartache I went through. Your story about Nutmeg touched me the first time I read it.
Moonbeam, thank you for checking in on me. I am doing o.k. but that actually concerns me a little. I can't really explain to people other than the people on this forum, but I believe that I'm running my mind so much to avoid the excruciating pain I know my heart needs to experience. I've kept really really busy and I avoid being alone as much as possible. I do believe, though, that in losing Niles, I've been able to let go of Frasier a little bit. I really needed to do that and I suspected that I would be able to when Niles died. Somehow I'm finding a little comfort in knowing they're together again. Frasier needed Niles so much in life. I think remembering what I physically went through when Frasier died, I've made myself do everything I can to avoid getting that way with Niles. I'm so scared of that pain that seizes my heart and makes me weep on the floor. I just can't let myself do that again but I know I probably need to in order to properly grieve for Niles and to let him go as well. So for now, I run and run and run.
Thank you again for checking in on me, I appreciate it so much and I hope you and MyNutmeg are doing well. You've been such good friends to me even though we don't know each other! I hope you have a good day today.
-Donna

[CharliesMom]

I can't really explain to people other than the people on this forum, but I believe that I'm running my mind so much to avoid the excruciating pain I know my heart needs to experience. I've kept really really busy and I avoid being alone as much as possible. I do believe, though, that in losing Niles, I've been able to let go of Frasier a little bit. I really needed to do that and I suspected that I would be able to when Niles died. Somehow I'm finding a little comfort in knowing they're together again. Frasier needed Niles so much in life. I think remembering what I physically went through when Frasier died, I've made myself do everything I can to avoid getting that way with Niles. I'm so scared of that pain that seizes my heart and makes me weep on the floor. I just can't let myself do that again but I know I probably need to in order to properly grieve for Niles and to let him go as well. So for now, I run and run and run.

Donna, I've found myself doing the same thing. Like you, I feel better than I thought I would and that worries me too. I was closer to Charlie than I've ever been to any pet (most humans too!) but whether it's because I still have Belle here to comfort me or because I know in my heart that Charlie is at peace, I couldn't really say. I've already started thinking about getting another dog so Belle can have a 'buddy' (she had Charlie in her life literally from the day she was born) but I think it's still too soon for that, probably for both of us.

Mind you, I still have moments when I feel very sad. Nights are the worst, but during the day I do pretty well. I brought Charlie's ashes home on Tuesday. I thought it would kill me to see my darling boy reduced to ashes, but it didn't, really. I put them in a little wooden urn with his name and the dates of birth and death engraved on the front, and set up a little shrine for him on a table near his favorite window. It was actually rather comforting. In a very real sense, I feel that Charlie is home and he'll never have to leave again. That probably sounds maudlin, but hey, whatever works, right?

Barbara

[tanbuck]

Thank you Barbara for letting me know I'm not the only one with these worries. I know you've written before about the nights being so hard for you. I really felt that way with Frasier because he was my nighttime snuggle-bug. Niles often slept in other places during the night so I'm not having to get used to him not being there in the bed with me. I'm thankful for that because I know how bad those nights can be. You wake up at 3:00 & your heart sinks. You remember all over again and then realize it's not time to get up so you have to work hard to get sleep to come back. Sometimes sleep is the only escape! Thank you again for your support.

Dear Niles, Mommy's baby. I miss your sweet smell so much. I've washed everything in the house but the bedspread you laid on in your last weeks. I went to the guest bedroom first thing this morning to smell the bedspread. It's one week today. I can't believe you died! You died! It just can't be true! We had a pact. You weren't going to leave me. Are you sending that song that's been running through my head lately? Do you know I'm trying to decide if I want more kitties? Are you trying to tell me to move on? Do you know about the 3 little girls we've looked at? They all so desperately need the kind of home you boys had. But I just want my boys. I don't want to learn to know anyone else. I don't want different personalities. I just want you and Frasier. Sweet Frasier. Hello baby. In my mind I'm holding the two of you together the way I used to and burying my head in your fur. You both hated that! You little turkeys! I love you boys so much. Too much! I was too close to you. I don't know if I want to do that again. Maybe it's not good for me. I miss the communication you and I had. Niles, your eyes said so much to me. Frasier, your antics hugged my heart. Looking at the two of you before I'd leave work in the morning gave me the best feeling to take with me for the day. Coming home to the two of you screaming for food gave me an internal hug. My little hungry hippos! I got so much joy from your healthy years. I had so much heartache and worry and constant strain from your unhealthy time. Sometimes I just wanted you to take me with you. I just couldn't breathe, it seemed. I'm trying to learn to breathe and I'm afraid if I bring another life in the house, my breath will begin to go away again. Daddy really wants to get these girls. I think he's afraid of a totally empty house when Buck joins y'all. Buck is doing ok but I see concern on Daddy's face. Each month seems to be the tiniest bit of decline. We're holding on to him desperately. We don't want to close the chapter on the part of our life that was y'all. It's hard to remember anything about life before y'all. And it's equally hard to imagine a life without y'all. Rest easy today, babies. Mommy loves you both so much. I couldn't have loved you better. I'm singing your stupid little songs to you that I used to sing....
Niles, Niles, we love Niles. He's so handsome! Look how handsome he is!
Frasier! Frasjo! Beans, Beans, Potatoes and Beans, Beans and Potatoes, and Bean Bean! Beanpole Benapolis!
Kisses to you both!
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, your sweet letter to Frasier and Niles echos my heart about Eli, Oslo, and Abbygayle. I so believe that loving our furkids keeps us tuned into what really matters. And I share your questions about adopting again, and particularly right now while your grief is still so deep. It's really okay to open your heart and home again. Who knows - - perhaps Frasier and Niles are sending them to you because they know these special little lives need you and your husband - - no one else will do.

When my Samson (he was a mixed Lab / Border Collie) joined the angels in March 1998, he was the "last" of my fur tribe at that time. I was totally alone for the first time in close to 16 years. Samson saw me through a very difficult recovery from serious injuries from an automobile collision in August 1985. I was taking my mom to her dental appointment when another driver on the other side of the road lost control of his car and crossed over into our lane of traffic hitting us head on. My mom died of her injuries 6 weeks later, and my life was changed forever physically and emotionally. Samson became my "therapy" dog. He was my incentive for my recovery through the years, and when I lost him it was like I was losing my mom all over again, too. I firmly believe that when my Samson crossed into the Pearly Gates and stood before our Father God Creator he told Him that He had to do something - - that He couldn't leave me all alone. And gently, tenderly together they weaved the events that brought Oslo into my life, and Oslo and I weaved a new life journey tapistry together.

But it's up to your heart to decide if now is the right time for you and your husband to embrace new hearts and lives that will be yours to have and to hold forever. Whatever you decide, Donna, Frasier and Niles will always be your precious boys. No one can ever change that.

Donna, please know you and Buck and your husband are close in my thoughts and prayers. I pray with all my heart that Buck will be happily with you for many more times ahead. And thank you so much for sharing your letter to your babies with us. I will look forward to hearing from you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Brutus]

Thinking of you Donna,

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

[tanbuck]

Sonya, thank you for your hugs. They mean so much!

Dear Niles, it's been 2 weeks today. It seems like longer. Today I've missed you even more. I dreamed of you night before last. It was weird. I held you against me and tried to get you warm. The feeling that came over me was so sweet. I miss you, little man. I miss you so much. I miss you and Frasier. Thank you for the song that came to me the day before you died. I don't know if it was from you, me, or God, but I thank you anyway. I understand what you were saying. It has helped me accept your leaving.
You know that Daphne is here, don't you? Again, I don't know if you sent her or God. I know she needed this home. But I feel nothing for her but sympathy for her situation. I feel nothing at all. Neither does Daddy. I don't think I could bear to upset her by taking her back. She needs to be settled and loved. Settling I can give her but I don't know about the love. I just miss my boys. Why did she have to come so soon?
I just want to bury my head in your fur. I just want you and Frasier on the sofa together like you would always be on a Friday night.
Rest easy tonight, boys. Mommy loves you so very much.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, just getting caught up on your post. Your letter to Niles is so beautiful. So, you have a little girl now? Perhaps you can tell her about her brothers, and show her pictures of them. Perhaps this will help form a "connection" with her. I would like to know about your precious Daphne, if you'd like to share about her. I'm sure Niles and Frasier are glad that she has a safe place to live. Love takes many different forms at different times, Donna. You and Dahpne will form a special bond in your own way in your own time.

I do so know what you mean about wanting to bury your head in your boys' fur and just hold them close to you. It is physically painful not to be able to do that now with Abbygayle. Thank you again for your thoughtful post to me today to let me know you are thinking of Noah and me, and please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers, Donna. I will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[madi]

Hi Donna, just want to let you know I am thinking of you and how sorry I am that you have lost your darling Niles. I know the sadness and pain you are feeling right now and for that you have my deepest sympathy. Hang in there Donna, hugs and love to you xx

madi xx

[tanbuck]

Dear boys, I'm having a hard time these last few days. Niles, I think all the avoiding I've been doing is starting to creep away. No matter how much I try to avoid realizing you're really gone, the more it fights me back. My mind is starting to tell my body that I will go through this grief process whether I willingly let myself or not. I'm tired, boys. I'm very tired.
Today, it's washing over me that you're both dead. DEAD. It seems so surreal. When I look at your pictures, it's hitting me that you are memories now. I can't stand that. I'm thinking that the pictures I have of you at work may be hindering my grief process. For so long I've looked at your pictures when I was at work and would find joy thinking of you being at home. And how I couldn't wait to get home to see you. Those same pictures now fool me into thinking you are still home...waiting to see me. But you're not. You're not. You're not because you're dead. I can't stay in this fantasy world. I have to face it. I've been thinking about taking your pictures down for a little while to see if it helps me. But I'd rather cut off my arm than do that.
Frasier, sweet bean. Niles, my little king. I know I can't have you back physically but I just wish I could close my eyes and open up all the memories that I've forgotten. I just want to play everything back and remember all the times I've forgotten. Playing in our old house, moving here, you guys chasing each other around.....all the things you did when you were younger. I've forgotten so much! It hurts to know that I've forgotten so much. I want to open my mind to have all those memories. I know they're still in my head but I can't remember them.
Niles, please explain Daphne to Frasier. Know that I don't love her, ok? She and I are in the same boat. She doesn't have who she wants and I don't have who I want. She misses whoever loved her so much. She knows she can't climb that wall around my heart just yet. And I know I can't get through her wall. It's obvious that she's here with me because she feels the same way I do. We have to eventually find a way to heal each other's hearts. But not yet. And that's ok.
I love you boys. I'm so tired. My heart is so weary. I miss you beyond words. I just want my old life back. Sweet dreams, baby boys. Sweet, sweet dreams.
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Donna, oh how much I wish I could reach out to you and hold your hand. Your letter to Niles and Frasier sounds so much like my heart. I know I said that before about one of your letters to them, and this one rings so true to my heart as well. Denial does prelong the agony of the grief journey, but it also is the mind's way of coping with a tragic event, like the loss of a beloved companion. I know I must sound like a broken record but sometimes that's what we need when we're in deep grief: A reminder and reminder and reminder: Please know, Donna, that you are not alone in your grief journey, even though it is normal to feel so isolated and alone - - knowing "intellectually" that there are others who know what you're going through while feeling in your heart that no one can possibly feel, know, and understand the deepest pain that is piercing your heart.

Donna, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am here for you - - along with all the other wonderful folks on this forum.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[smokey/lady/max]

Oh Donna your picture is absolutley beautiful. Just seeming them hurts my heart for you. Its like we want to keep looking at ther pictures no matter how much pain it brings to our heart. And yes we try to live in a fantasy just to find ways to cope. I do the exact same thing. Please know that we are all here for you and each other. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs
Anna

[janika]

Dear Donna

What a beautiful photo. They are adorable and I know your heart is so broken. You are the reason I joined this forum late last year, when my Noushka went to the Rainbow Bridge. I read your story and knew that we were going through the same, desperate grieving. I could so relate to everything that you wrote.
So I really do have you to thank for bringing me together with you, and all the wonderful people and their darling Angels and fur babies, on this forum.
I am so sorry that your sadness is so unbearable. You have been through so much these last few months. Your darling Frasier and Niles will want their Mom to be 'ok'. Your letter to them is beautiful. I say the same things in my head to my Noushka and Tasha every day. If only we could freeze time back to when they were with us and healthy. Sadly we all have to move on but take with us all that they brought to us, and taught us, to help us live our lives to the full, as they would want us to. They've just moved on a little sooner than us, but their spirits are always with us, guiding us along our journey, until it's time for us to meet again.
Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending a big HUG.

Love Jan and my Angels and Pixie (Who has found her way into my heart , which I now know has the ability to love again)xx

[tanbuck]

Anna and Jan, thank you sooo much for your kind words. I know you both really know the feelings that I have. Jan, I also joined because of someone's story. When I was reading her letters to her pet, I just kept saying, "Oh my gosh, this is just as I would've written!" I've never read something that touched me like her love for her dog. Joining forums isn't something I'm used to doing and I was afraid at first. But I'm sure glad I did!
I'm glad that you joined too so that it could help you. I can't imagine what the "outside" world would think of my thoughts because even I think I'm crazy sometimes. But I know this is a safe place to put all that crazy stuff out there. When I come here, it's all about Niles and Frasier and I like that. It makes me feel good for them.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this very foreign experience. I hate that we have it in common but I'm glad for the shoulders to cry on.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

Dear Niles, it's been 4 weeks today. I was just thinking about when you moved from the guest bedroom to the bathroom. You were dying. Did you know you were dying? We tried so hard to make you comfortable. Sometimes I think I'm still fighting for your recovery. I have had dreams where you walk into the room and I realize that you're fine.
Niles, you and I always communicated on some other level. Never was that more real than in your last hours. I wish I knew what you were trying to say to me though. I think I know but what if I was wrong? I love you, dear one. I remember after Frasier died I was overcome with feelings of not being done being his mommy. The same is true for you. But I would never be done. I will never be done. I feel like a little girl standing at the gate after the race has already started and I'm saying, "Wait, I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" It's already over with and I'm still just getting ready to lose the two of you. How can you both be gone? Wasn't it yesterday we were all fine? And now you're BOTH gone. I don't want to close that chapter. I'm not ready. Where does this all come from out of the blue? People who barely know me think I'm normal and nothing is wrong. People who know me well thinking I'm doing o.k. with this. Then here comes a wave and the lack of acceptance. Why am I still in denial? I should be moving forward. I feel like I get a few steps in the right direction and then turn and run the other way. No, it's more like I get a few steps in the right direction and I hit a wall. Some reminder that I'm hurting. Some reminder of my loss. I know there is great suffering in this world and there is so much to tend to. But my little comfort spot in this crazy world is gone. My little pillows. My baby boys.
Well, little Daphne is asking for attention. I guess it's a sign. Especially since she doesn't ask for attention much because her own heart hurts. She has suffered the same loss I have. Thank you, Niles. I hear you.
As the song says, my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings. Godspeed little men, sweet dreams little men.
Kisses to you and baby Frasier. Mommy's babies.
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, you will always be your furkids' mommy - - nothing can ever take that away from you. And this will be a cherished fact once you get beyond this particular phase of this dreadful grief. Yeah, I know about "appearing" like "everything is okay" - - the "public face" - - while deep down inside you're falling apart - - sometimes all at once and sometimes feeling like it's piece by piece drifting down to a dark bottomless abyss.

I'm functioning on what I call "automatic pilot" - - I do things that need to get done - - I go to work, I pay the bills, I talk to people, I make "logical" decisions - - but - - the only thing that makes any sense to me is my precious Noah. He is my only reason for trying - - my only reason for waking up in the morning and making the day count for anything. Otherwise I just feel like an emotional wasteland. Working on my baby girl Abbygayle's memorial is a "temporary fix" to the grief because it helps me to stay focused on her life - - but it is also a reminder that this is the very last thing I can do for her - - just her. Spring is here in full bloom in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, but it's still winter - - a very cold, bone chilling numbness, and barren winter - - in my heart.

It isn't denial that you are suffering with, Donna, but shock - - the shock of loss, and I know that is what I am going through, too. Sometimes I experience the physical effects of this shock too - - literally the shaking, tremoring of the body because the moment of feeling the grief is so overwhelming. I just never imagined in my worst nightmares that within a 39 month time frame my little Noah would be an "only child." It isn't fair - - to him or to me. I feel so guilty sometimes about having adopted him - - to bring him into a household destined to be shrouded by the emotion of death and grief. But then if I had known that almost 7 years ago I would have denied myself the gift of his sweet precious presence through the "good" times, and now the precious gift of his comforting presence - - as well as the blessed privilege to give him a loving and safe home.

I wish there was an easier way through this grief journey, Donna, for you, for me, and all our forum friends. But as I tell myself, I share with you also - - it's a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey - - and just "hang in here" - - and hold fast onto the support and encouragement of those who truly do understand what we are going through. I know someday I'll be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine once again in my heart and embrace it - - and you will, too, Donna. It's what our furkids want for us, and so therefore we must try to do it for them - - to honor them and what they brought to our lives during their journey with us on this side of eternity. Right now, though, it is easier said than done.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Donna, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[tanbuck]

Thank you, Moonbeam. Thank you.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

Niles, baby. Tomorrow is 5 weeks. Today I've had trouble dealing with your last moments. In fact, "dealing" isn't the right word. I've been avoiding really thinking about that morning. I'm so afraid if I go there, it might swallow me. I would have done anything for you and Frasier and Buck. But in the end, I couldn't do your dying for you. I would have if I could have. Your last moments were all your own and I couldn't help you. And that breaks my heart. The noises you made will haunt me forever. My little boy. My little boy.
I work so hard to not go there. I'd rather think of our struggle as if I was lifting you up to God and straining to hold you there until He took you. Being with you in those last hours was my last struggle for you. I knew you couldn't come back to me and I knew you wouldn't make it until we could have your suffering stopped. I knew you would go on your own that night and lying on the floor with you through the night was the last thing I could do for you. But, again, the noises you made. What was that? What did it mean? Were you aware or was it your body just making sound? Were you hurting? I can't bare to think you were hurting. My sweet, innocent, little boy. I loved every minute of our 15 years together. You were perfection.
I miss you and brother Frasier more than I can ever tell. Every day I miss you so much. Oh, Frasier, I'd give anything to play with you again. You fat boys!
Sweet dreams, little men.
-Mommy

[moon_beam]

Dear Donna, just want you to know that I am here with you, and sharing your journey right beside you. I do hope and pray that someday the memory of how your precious Niles passed will become less painful for you so that you can focus on the precious good memories you have of him and Frasier. You did the very best you could for your boys, Donna, everything that was in your power at any given time. Unfortunately we do not have the "power" to predict the "how" and "time" of a loved one's passing, but you were there to comfort your precious Niles during his journey from this side of eternity, and he passed onto the angels knowing the love in your heart and feeling the love in your touch. I know through your posts that Niles' last minutes were very traumatic. If it's any comfort to you, clinical studies prove that the brain "records" traumatic events which are then re-run in the memory - - sort of like a phonograph needle stuck in the groove of a record - - if you are familiar with that. The more the traumatic event is, the more the re-run continues. This is diagnosed as PTSD - - and the traumatic loss of a beloved companion certainly qualifies.

I am very familiar with PTSD, for different traumatic reasons. The professional counselor who helped me through the crisis helped me to re-focus my thoughts when I was experiencing an episode. At the crisis point where I was at the time I had to really force myself to concentrate on what he was telling me and force myself to train my mind to do it, but eventually it did help my brain to break the *** of the "stuck needle". Did that take away the memory of the tragedy - - no, but it did help me to be able to progress more positively in my recovery to the point where I was able to re-build my life beyond the tragic event that changed my life forever.

A grief journey that is accompanied by a traumatic experience is very hard to cope with. I hope in sharing this with you will help you, and if it does, then my experience will not have been iin vain.

Donna, I pray with all my heart that you will know that your boys know you love them with all your heart and would have moved heaven and earth to provide for them and protect them during their physical journey with you on this side of eternity. And I deliberatley use the present tense "know" because they are still very much a part of you and your life even though your relationship with them has just temporarily transformed to a different dimension.

Donna, I wish there was something I could say that could ease the pain of your loss. But when words fail, please know you are always close in my thoughts and prayers, and that I so very much want to know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[karen - casey]

Donna,

You have been so helpful with my journey with Shelby. I understand exactly what you feel about Niles last moments, as I had the same experiance with my Casey. He was suffering from lung cancer. We found out two weeks before we had to say goodbye. I came home from work one day and gave him his pill and then went into the bedroom. I heard a awful noise and went running into the living room. There was Casey struggling for a breath of air. I called the vet right away and made the appointment for the next morning. He did relax a little and spent most of the night by my husband's side (my husband wasn't even a cat person until he met me and my Casey). Casey and him became very close. In fact Casey would sit on his lap instead of mine. I used to tell my husband he stole my cat. The next morning he had another episode - this time my husband was with me. We frantically called the vets office and rushed him in. He was so afraid he releaved himself on me and actually turned and bit my neck. It was a horrible experience. We got to the vets office and he seemed to relax again. My husband could not stay with him, but I held him close and told him how much I loved him. It has been a year and a half and although it has gotten easier, but I can feel the tears filling my eyes as I write this. I understand how it plays in your mind over and over again. I felt guilty that we did not catch the cancer sooner. I take comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering. When I start to think about it again (as I still due) I tell myself to stop and think about the happy moments we shared. He will always be in my heart. I know I will see him again and that makes me very happy.

Take care,
Karen

[mynutmeg]

Hi Donna,
just dropping in to see how you are doing ?? It has been too long since I have been on here, I look at the "bookmarked" page everyday to left on my favs but I just have not clicked on here for some reason. I am guessing by the timeline you are at a pretty low point right now, I pray for time to swiftly move forward so that you can get through your days and nights easier. Now, I must go write to my child once again:)

Thinking of you, Frasier, Niles & Nutmeg