Please Help Me With My Grief Options

[patricia]

i wish i was there to give you a big bear hug. how beautiful crystal was. your life may never be the same again but know that your baby will always live in your heart. and there will come a day when your heart wont feel like it has a huge open wound in it because it will be filled with wonderful memories of your loved one. i lost my fred and riley within a year. riley was going on 14 and fred was 14. i know how you feel. i thought they would be with me forever. they may not be physically but they are in my heart. i still talk to fred and riley too. i know that my little fred had something to do with the coming of lucy. and everytime that little puppy does something naughty i know that fred is "upstairs" laughing. you know, he is probably laying next to your crystal now, enjoying the sunshine.
dont rush your grieving, take it one day at a time and know that we are always here to listen.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

[petmum]

8 days is so early on that your grief will still be quite raw, It's amazing how the world keeps on going when your own world has just fallen apart, I'm gald you can look @ pics now, it took me nearly 3 weeks b4 i cld look @ a photo of my Buddy.
u r in my prayers.
elaine

[scottie]

Well it will be 3 weeks tomorrow i lost my baby girl...the pain is not any less but the coming to grips that i did the right thing is easing my pain..because i know my girl is no longer in any pain..i just miss her so much..im not dealing with it well at all...im lonely...

[webmasterpdx]

Hi Scottie,
I just happened to be on google tonight and I entered my little baby's name "Wally Baxter" (was his nickname). He died last September. I posted twice here. At first when he died and a few months later when I had burst into tears remembering him. Anyways, I found my old posts and went in there. I saw his photo and I started to cry again, though not as bad as before.

The thing is, the pain will probably never go away completely, but it does get easier with time. I too had to put my Wally to sleep and he died in my lap. He had epilepsy really bad and I had to choose to end his suffering (he was having 13 attacks a day).....he had gone blind the night before from the brain damage the epilepsy had caused him. I loved him more than life itself. He was a little white fluffy Bichon Frise, though when he went his hair was all matted from all the drool from his attacks. I didn't mind. I loved him. I even let him go potty on the carpet the night before as I didn't want to drag him outside, he was having such a miserable time as it was. He was only 6, so he died before his time.

I think you can thank God for a few things. Your baby got to live a full life. 16 is old for a kitty. I still have a kitty and he gets all the attention now (though he misses Wally too.....they used to play hide and seek together). My kitty is maybe 12 (we aren't sure as he was a rescue kitty), so he probably only has a few more years.

We lost another kitty about a year before Wally, and she died because of diabetes. She was probably older (we aren't sure of her age either), but she was overweight and a little fluffy cutie too.

Wally was the one that broke my heart though.
My reasoning is that God values love and Wally loved unconditionally, and I loved him back dearly. So, I have to believe that he lives on in some form in heaven. For him not to, would mean that God doesn't value love. I don't believe this.

So, by the same reasoning, your baby must also be alive in heaven too. Who knows, they may even be friends there...:-)

Take comfort in the fact that you loved her so much, that this love survived, and that she loved you back in turn.....and probably still does.

I think whats important is that we remember our pets even when we get new ones. I'm not quite at the point where I'm ready to get a new one, but I feel that Wally would say it's OK now to move on. I do know that when you replace your pet, the pain gets a lot less and you build up a new relationship.

One thing not to do is to be afraid to love again for fear of the pain the loss causes. It is always better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Just don't confuse your new baby with your old (some people do this, and I don't think it's right).

I think it's best to remember your pets and continue with new ones. There are so many animals that need responsible loving homes.....too many to count.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The time WILL come when you'll be ready for another kitty. You aren't there yet....but it will come. Don't be surprised if you cry for a few months from time to time. That happened to me. Even today I shed a few tears and it's been almost a year.....but it's no longer the uncontrollable loss like it was a few months ago.

I also pray to my pet and imagine him hearing me. Another thing I did that allowed me to offset a lot of my pain is to tell God that Wally is his pet now....and to take care of him.....

I don't know if you believe in an afterlife or not, but that surely does help.

Again, take solace that time does heal, and you will find love again, just as intense as before, if you give it a chance....just don't rush it and give it time.

I hope you heal fast.
-Donald

[scottie]

hello all...i want to thank each and everyone who has taken the time to write to me...its been 5 weeks since loosing my dear friend.i know she is at peace and i couldnt do any more for my rapidly failing friend crystal...she was 16 1/2 and really lived a life full of love and fun times. i just still feel guilt sometimes. wishing i could have done more for her. im still so very lost. i have days that are ok and others that are filled with tears. its so hard going through each day knowing i wont see her...she looked out for me..when i was sick she would jump on m,y bed and lay next to me and watch over me. i felt protected with her near me when i was ill..i miss her talking to me. purring on my lap...putting her paw on my hand...i should be thankful i had such a wonderful friend...but its so hard letting go...i talk to her pictures each day...saying good morning and goodnight..life is not very good for me right now.....

[petmum]

Dear Scottie
the only thing you hve to let go of is your pain, nothing else, you keep the memories, they are what helps us to get thru each day.
I know that feeling of not feeling protected, it's awful.....you cld let of that feeling if you can....remember moving on isn't bout throwing away crystal's stuff, or not crying, but how we can get thru a day without blaming ourselves for not doing enough to help our beloved companions...I'm glad you came back to let us know how u r going here's a {{{HUG}}} to help you thru.
please keep in touch
elaine

[webmasterpdx]

Hi Scottie,
Thank you for your thank you :-)

I have finally passed a barrier. Whenever I let myself go before, I would cry...not just tears, but bawling out loud sobbing aloud. However, in the last few weeks, I've had one or two encounters with pictures of my baby (Wally Baxter) and I now only get a little tears (but only if I let myself). What has happened is I've come to terms that Wally is happy in heaven, and I can visualize this. My tears aren't for Wally, but for me, because I miss him. Before the tears were for him. I also know that Wally knows I'll always love him and he wants me to move on.

I'm pretty sure your Crystal wants you to do the same. It takes time though. I lost my Wally in September 2008, so it's almost a year, and only now am I down to just minor tears.....and I'm a guy! (We aren't supposed to cry :-)

Your pain will decrease in time. Make sure you get other activities in and to not isolate yourself too much. Go for a walk and pray to your higher power (whatever that may be). I must say that believing in God has certainly helped me. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I'm absolutely certain, beyond a doubt, that our pets are there for us in the afterlife.

Rest assured, Crystal is not in pain and is enjoying whatever animals get to enjoy.

So, don't weep for her. Don't blame yourself (you did nothing wrong)....so make sure there is none of that going on. The only thing you should be weeping for is because you miss her. Thats perfectly normal.
It just takes time.

So, my prayers are with you and I hope your grief passes soon.
-Donald

[scottie]

just wanted to say hello to all who have helped me over these past 8 weeks..im so glad this site is here...im still having a hard time saying goodbye...but i talk to her picture each and everyday.it helps. its just so lonely...

[chele]

I know we all understand how lonely we are when are friends leave us. I wish I could comfort you, but there is nothing to take the pain away. I hope you can find peace.

[patricia]

donald you said it so well. i think that my biggest comfort has come from visualizing my fred and riley in heaven. and that can only come from believing in a higher being, whatever that may be, as its different for everyone. but when my heart feels like it cant take it anymore i see them playing in the fields that they didnt have with me. bathing in the sun, sleeping together and that brings my heart joy. i pray that your heart will find peace.
patricia

[scottie]

well its been 3 very long months since i lost my best friend. the pain comes and goes but never fades. i miss her every minute of everyday. i cant stop thinking about the last time i saw her and said goodbye,and "i love you"...im just so lonely.the holidays wont be the same and i dont even care to celebrate anything. i miss you crystal....love scott

[goliath]

the holidays wont be the same and i dont even care to celebrate anything

Good morning Scott,

All those "firsts" that come along are indeed very difficult to cope with. Especially the Holidays. I've been where you are now, and I promise you in time the pain of missing Crystal will lessen. One day you will find yourself able to think of her and smile once again.

My first Christmas without Goliath was very foggy and unfestive. In all honesty, when it was over I wasn't able to remember even what we did or where we went, no tree, no laughter with friends and family. The first couple of months I was in a complete mental breakdown unable to function at all. My world had completely collapsed and turned upside down and I didn't want to live anymore. The downward spiral of dark depression kept sucking me deeper and deeper into a place that I had little hope of returning from.

Eventually, I came to realize that Goliath would die all over again if he thought all he left me with were tears and unhappiness. He loved me just as much as I loved him and it was important to him to see me happy and well. I didn't find LS until about 2 months after Goliath passed away. It was here that I found hope, inspiration, and a new will to move on in my life. Working through deep grief is no easy task. We can only work through it because there is no way around it. I came to LS in those days pretty much 24/7 and found that the more I shared and exchanged with others, the better I began to feel. Eventually, I came to realize that Goliath's loving spirit never left me. Though a body may perish, a loving spirit stays very much alive and well. As we nuture that love through the many memories that are left, their loving spirit shines for us. How very blessed we were to have lived in the love these sweet babies brought us. Had there been no death, there would be no life for us to remember. Letting go of the grief doesn't mean letting go of the love and memories.

Accepting Goliath's death was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Learning to live a new and different kind of life wasn't easy. It was like learning to walk all over again. I just didn't know how to live without him. Today, I don't look at Goliath as a loss. Instead I think of him as the greatest blessing I ever had and feel fortunate that it was me who he lived his life with. It's been nearly two years now and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him many times over. I will love him til the day after forever and know that one day he and I will see each other again. So will you and Crystal. This separation is temporary. Life is short while eternity isn't.

Scott, please keep coming back and sharing your sorrow. LS is such a Godsend for those of us who have lost such a precious love in our lives. This is a place we can let it all out and nobody ever has to be alone. We walk with each other through our journeys and gradually pick up the pieces of our broken hearts along the way.

Peace, love, and hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

[Cyoung5555]

It's been a week since I lost my 13-year old cat Franklin and I have determined that the grief comes in waves. Some days I feel like I will get through this and other days I feel like there is such a huge hole in my heart that it will never heal. I think the hardest thing is when I subconsciously look for him. He used to wake me up every morning and sit on the edge of the tub while I took a bath. So every morning I can feel this void. He used to greet me at the door every time I came home and so I feel a void every time I walk into the house. Some days I can get past the void and other days it seems to consume me. Today it is consuming me.

I do try to think of happy times with Franklin or something goofy that he used to do. It makes me smile. I also try to think that perhaps he would be sad to think that I am so sad. He seemed to sense my grief and would often lick my face when I was crying. That always cheered me up.

I think the most remarkable thing about losing him is this realization of just how unbelievably hard it is to lose him. On some intellectual level I understand that unless you have a life span of less than 20 years, you are going to outlive your pet and so being a pet owner will almost always involve a tremendous loss. And the reason that we do it, is that the collective joy that our pets bring to us far outweighs the agony of their loss.

I am terribly sorry for your loss and believe me you are not alone.